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Enjoy the following Jokes!
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Do this while Driving >>> Top NFL Complaints >>>
Things to do at a Bowling Alley >>> Rules of Bowling >>>
Requirements for 11th Degree Black belt
Bumper Stickers:
All generalizations are false, including
this one.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I love animals, they taste great.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
BEER: It's not just for breakfast
anymore.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots....I married their king.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Out of my mind...Back in five minutes.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Do this while Driving:
Strange and silly things to do while
driving. We do not advise doing any of the below "things to do while driving",
as all driving should be taken seriously. The below "things to do while driving"
are simply here for entertainment purposes.
Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.
Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of
fear, lock your doors.
Two words: Chicken suit.
Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks
like blood, the better.
Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving
alone.
Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
Stop at the green lights.
Go at the red ones.
Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof.
Feel free to make it dance.
Eat food that requires silverware.
Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
Sing without having the radio on.
Honk frequently without motivation.
Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene
gesture.
Ask people for Grey Poupon.
Let pedestrians know who's boss.
Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
Restart your car at every stop light.
Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking
them lovingly.
Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the
window.
While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
Keep at least five cats in the car.
Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
Stop and collect road kill.
Throw Spam.
Get in the fast lane and gradually ... slow ... down ... to a stop. Then get out
and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.
Top
Top NFL Complaints:
After shooting the blank gun to end the
half, the Dallas Cowboy players start shooting back with live ammunition.
Calling "heads or tails" but never getting any. . . "head" or "tail".
Players get "the wave". . . refs get "the finger".
Anyone who makes a call against the Detroit Lions risks pissing off their last
remaining fan.
With Reggie White retired, the penalty for "Illegal use of a racial slur" is
meaningless.
Just when we thought it was safe to be an NFL Ref, we have to go back to frickin'
CLEVELAND!!!
Thanks to instant replay, picking nose during a game is twice as risky.
Everyone else gets to wear their Autumn colors, but for me it's black and white
week after week after week!
Don King only bribes boxing judges.
Official rule books not made in Braille.
I'm the one that everybody wants to kill, so where's MY helmet and pads?!
Things to do at a Bowling Alley:
Every time you throw exclaim "TAKE THAT,
YOU!!!" continue this behavior until forcefully thrown out.
When ever a strike "X" appears on the screen, start yelling about how this is a
Black Panther conspiracy.
Explain to the Owner how your game has been ruined due to Platetechtonics then
loose him in lingo. Demand Compensation.
Bring Zippo fluid, light the pins on fire.
Wear Golf Shoes.
Pray to the pins, leave sacrifices.
Dress up like an Amish man. Give speeches to others against the high technology
used in bowling.
Try to juggle the balls, when you drop them, start screaming about
Platetechtonics again
Every ten minutes run the entire length of the building beating your own head
and speaking in tongues, then sit down as if nothing happened.
Bring full angling gear, ask how they're biting.....fish.
Completely cover your ball in duct tape (sticky side out) then loudly complain
about how your hook is off.
Hide behind the pins. Stick your head up, LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY.
Use a Curling Weight instead, bring a full team of sweepers.
Throw refuse down the ball return, tell the owner the trash compactor is busted.
Make your presence known by arranging pentagrams out of candles on every lane
except yours.
Root for the other team- Bring Banners.
Make fun of your team- Bring Lettuce.
Tell the rival team captain that you just met his "little girl" walk away
mumbling "how bad things happen"
Bring a foghorn, use at crucial moments
Even if you miss totally--At the top of your lungs scream STEEEEEEEEERIKE
Bring a small gold idol, demand the other team pray to it.
Rent all the lanes, don't bowl
Rent all the shoes, eat them
Blatantly Underscore yourself, then accuse the other team of cheating
When an opponent is on his backswing, race up and take his ball, run home.
If your team is in the finals, throw nothing but gutter balls, blame
platetechtonics
Trip EVERY member of the opposing team, trip your team, trip everyone
Wear a baseball uniform, bowl sidearm.
Superglue Police Whistles to the hand-dryers...leave town
Walk around asking people why they are here, do this the whole night
Name your ball something like "KILLER", Openly boast to everyone how great you
are, bowl terribly. Do this all night
Sit in your lane and heckle others with a Bullhorn.
Bring a dart gun...Be inventive.
Wrestle with your ball. (WWF Style) Ask someone to ref.
Run around sprinkling "MAGIC FAIRY DUST" on everyone's balls. Tar works nice.
Sponsor a Really Big Open Bowl Night, Don't even have a Entrance fee. Advertise
it using Every Mass Media known to man, make the 3rd Prize: $10,000 and a
Porsche 2nd Prize: $5,000 and a trip to Europe 1st Prize: A coffee mug Then sit
back a watch the fights..... leave or Cancel the whole thing.
Hand out Pamphlets on Platetechtonics.
Supplemental Rules for Bowling:
If you holler "overs!" before the ball
passes the arrows, you get to throw the ball over, unless of course, you get a
strike. In which case, you can renege on the "overs".
When your team is about 10 marks down in the 8th or 9th frame, you can invoke
the rule "First Team Through Bowling Wins the Game", and your team still has a
chance.
After a member of the opposing team bowls 4 strikes in a row, he/she must bowl
the next 4 frames blindfolded. If he/she continues to strike, his/her shoelaces
will be tied together for 2 frames.
When you leave the 10-pin and you know you can't make the spare, but another
member of your team can, invoke the "Designated Bowler" rule.
After you have 4 splits in one game, you may say "Kings X" and take those 4
frames over. However, if you split on the 2nd time around, you accept it. After
all, "Fair is Fair".
If your ball goes in the gutter and jumps back onto the lane, knocking down
pins, by golly, you get them! That's much harder than to knock them down the
conventional way. Good bowling should be recognized.
A ball should be declared dead when you bowl 3 games without a strike. It shall
be the owners privilege to decide on the disposition of said dead ball - Burial
at Sea, Dropped from an airplane over a live volcano, or a simple burial in the
city dump. For a small fee, a league officer can be bribed to deliver a short
eulogy.
Requirements for 11th Degree Black Belt:
Master of Judo
Well before testing for this rank any experienced Judo teacher should have
already learned these basic techniques:
Escape from Dojo
The quick exit to avoid clean up and helping with the mats.
Sleeper Stance
Standing at the corner of the dojo pretending to be observing the students as
they sweat with exhaustion.
Sigh of Wisdom
Sudden, forceful exhalation when a beginning student unexpectedly survives a
dangerous body slam without injury.
Crossing Fingers
A hopeful posture used when uke has been choked unconscious.
Gift of Instruction
The act of taking credit whenever a student wins a tournament or performs a
technique correctly.
Seeing Without Seeing
The dazed look of amazement given to the student who asks a stupid question.
Kuchi Waza (mouth technique)
Using an hour of class time to answer the stupid question while students sit on
their knees in seiza.
Mugger's Defense
Offering to lighten the student's wallet to reduce the risk of confrontation.
Sensei's Downfall
Failing to ask for enough money to keep the dojo open.
Further requirements:
Must be able to walk on water (while it is in liquid form).
Must be able to disable a man using only a Kleenex tissue as a weapon.
Must be able to catch a fly with chopsticks.
Must be able to defeat multiple masked ninja movie warriors after they disclose
their evil plans to you and leave you to die in an easily escapable situation.
Must be able to voice over a Godzilla movie properly (i.e. coordination between
the movement of the lips and the voice).
Must be able to take a bullet (not in the chest of course but maybe in the foot
or something).
Must be able to make your own nuclear device with a piece of bubble gum, a
pencil, some coconuts, and an alarm clock.
Must be able to change into a judogi in a phone booth at any given moment.
Must be able to sing Karaoke.
Must be able to use nature to your advantage (e.g. sick a dog on the enemy,
throw stones at him, climb a tree and hide...)
Must be able to fight blindfolded and win (against blind competitors of course).
Must have completed a course in "Basic Samurai Sushi".
Must be able to choreograph street fights for Jackie Chan movies.
Must be able to use an opponent's skill as a reason for defeat.
Must be able to keep all bleeding internal.
Must be able to trim an entire forest into a bonsai garden in 25 minutes or
less.