Which brings me to the topic of losing. Losing in every sense of the word. I lost my purse 3 weeks ago. I lost some friends 5 years ago. I’ve lost hundreds of water bottles along the way. Mostly it is the sense of losing. Like today. The lonesomeness so incredible yet, not incredible enough. A stubborn knot tied half-way by a half-way twit. It is me, slowly pounding my head against the wall of my cubicle. *thud* *thud* *thud*, and my intestines going *chug**chug**chug* and my brain processes doing a smorzando *di!**di!**di!**di………* And beneath it all my alter ego going “what the @#$(*#&%(*#^ puky frit cheese pie!”

Which brings one to the question of what one should do in a case like this, when one does not drink, do drugs, smoke, resort to sex with whosoever. The answer is obvious, one sleeps. Thank life for the gift of sleep! So I am trekking through the treacherous land of boring dreams. I am sorting through my mailbox. Level 8 toilets closed for maintainence from 9 Sep to 8 Oct. I delete it. Oh no, I forward it first, important information for staff. Use the 11th floor toilets instead. Zzzzz… I’m falling asleep in my dreams, if that is possible. I dream deeper. I am wading through the swamps of primordial consciousness. I feel the urge to pee. Pee…. Hmmm.. Red lamps alight. No peeing. Hold it there. I hold it there while swirling down the waterfall of subconsciousness. Whoooshh… Hold it there baby. Hold it.. and then I see the rainbow, which was what I was looking for in the first place. It is dangling at the corner of the sky. I pluck it off and lick it. It tastes of sawdust. I keep it in my pocket. Everything makes sense now, except for the mystery of my lonesomeness. Which is tied to the mystery of the taste of rainbows. Which I grasp firmly now in my pocket. Yet the matter eludes me.

Confused. I remain confused. C-O-N-F-U-S-E-D. I need a break, but still I hold it there. The fate of the universe depends upon it. Until the sound creeps in, of morning alarms, my only friend and foe. I awake to find myself lost. In a body displaced. I check the keyboard for lost notes, I check my watch for lost hands, I count my toes.

1) Everything in place. 2) Everything in place. What in two worlds have I lost?

I search the internet for clues. I search in the bin. I search my brain. I search for the definitive spaghettifying soupless black hole in my life. And I will fight it to the end.