I really had trouble with the that last one (see Harsh Lessons: "Don't be afraid to cheat"); because I`m a so-called Christian. Meaning; I want to be a good Christian but always seem to fail. Some vital questions: Do I want to make my life on earth miserable just to get to Heaven? What about those immoral non-Christians who convert later in life after they have accumulated a mountain of gold? Is it really fair that they will arrive at the same destination after leading a completely hedonistic life? All the same, would we really want them to go to Hell? However,I still believe God exists and whatever happens is His will. 10/23/00: I just came back from this retreat that was supposed to "change your life." It was where people would be touched by the Holy Spirit of God, where they would receive the concentrated presence of God Himself. I waited and waited until everyone invited God to come down and fill everyone's heart beyond the brim. I held out my hands to receive the Lord and prayed continuously for my heart to be softened so I can be filled with the Spirit. Two sisters interceded over me. They said you would know if God came to you. While one of the sisters had her hand over my head, she was trembling and praying very intensely. Just for a few seconds, her hand sent jolts of what felt like electricity into the spot where the center of her palm touched my head. The jolt traveled through my head straight down to my leg. It was as if something shot through her palm, into my head, and just pierce the length of my body. It lasted for about 3 seconds. We continued praying, and I was so sure it must have just been a pressure point. As we prayed, tears kept rolling down both of my cheeks. But I reasoned it must be because I am emotional--I mean, I cry at the movies. At one point, I opened my eyes and when I looked down I saw a person's head lying on the ground. He was on his back. There were many others slumped towards the front of the room, either very limp or convulsing rhythmically while many brothers and sisters prayed over them. When the sisters stopped praying for me, one of them whispered in my ear. "As I was praying over you, God gave me a vision of your heart surrounded by a wall, as if for protection. But through the wall, I saw light." I stood still, and calmly in a daze. Did God meet me while I was asking to receive? I wasn't sure. 11/23/00: For the past few months, God has shown how He works in my life. No longer do I doubt that there is a God always looking out for us, always there to put everything under our feet. His way of humbling the proud, indomitable, rebellious soul of mine really demonstrates how much He wants us to be the way He made us. I realize now that He makes bad things happen for a reason, either to teach us a lesson, or to reach us in the only possible way that is meant for each individual. I`ve grown in faith, and for the first time, really look forward to church, really know in my heart why I go there, and for the first time in my life I know what I want which is God in that church. God has changed me and softened the life of a hardened, emotionally-detached, worldly-workaholic into a more natural, holy life. Praise God. Thank You Jesus, for the life I know, and the life I will have in heaven. |