By Yimei Wu
Disclaimer: all IM names and numbers are made up. Any match-up is purely coincidental; writer cannot be held liable.
I remember asking a classmate for his phone number when working on a project last semester. He couldn・t remember what his number was even five weeks after school started. But he sure knew his IM screenname.
In the last few years, it seems an epidemic of Instant Messenger Obsession (IMO) has swept through college campuses across the U.S. Instant Messenger (IM) is an internet tool invented by America Online to encourage instant online communication between individuals. Close relatives are MSN messenger, Yahoo! pager, and ICQ.
The intended benefits of IM were to save long-distance phone-calls when keeping in touch with people all over the U.S.
However, an alarming increase of IM use has given rise to uncharted behaviors among young adults, particularly college students. In mild forms, IMO causes monthly phone bills of $2.53 or less; in advanced stages, the afflicted will be seen transfixed to their monitor, living on each chime to signal existence of the opposite online entity, forgetting that college included going to classes and daily activities such as eating, showering, etc.
This disease is widespread in college dorms due to T1 connections that allow students to sign on into what they fashion to be their IM ：community； 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
The outbreak of IMO crosses gender, age, race, and sexual-orientation barriers.
There is a fine line between efficient communication and IMO. Below are errant behaviors that may reveal your own straddling of this delicate line. Let the recognition be a wake-up call, before it・s too late...
Multiple-Aliasis-the making of many screennames.
*Some people do it for the schizophrenial pleasure of being able to be an ：AznFartMack；, ：MatureSoulmate；, and ：Familyman；.
*Some girls claim they change screennames to avoid stalkers. Yes. Going from AzNkiTTyKaT to PrittyChInaDoLL and ExoTicButtaFly would change things for real.
*Stalkers find other advantages to having another screenname. They could log on and quietly observe the buddy being stalked without being exposed. They could ：check； to see if the buddy is blocking them.
*Pimp/Mack Paranoia-is carried out under multiple aliases by signing on as someone of the same gender to ：test； if someone of the opposite gender is a pimp or mack. Girls usually impose the following convo; let・s say Tiffany is trying to ：test； her newest crush, TallGuy414:
PrettyGal(fake screenname): hellooo
TallGuy414(test subject): hello, who r u?
PrettyGal: we kno each other...guess who? *giggle*
TallGuy414: uhmm...i dunno
TallGuy414: hehehe..care to tell me?
Mr. TallGuy414 is falling into Tiffany・s trap. Let・s see how she continues the ：testing；:
PrettyGal: come on...take a few guesses...does the name give a clue? *wink*
TallGuy414: Hm..Catie?
PrettyGal: wrong...keep going tho
TallGuy414: Jessica? Sarah? Gina? Michelle? Lauren??
At this point, Tiffany knows that TallGuy414 not only does not think she・s pretty, but knows WAY too many other girls to be a decent fellow. He fails the pimp-test. Carried too far, this game may become a fixture of IMO, but otherwise, its a darn good way to gauge pimp-quotient.
On-Off Syndrome -incessant signing on and off to sound the door-opening and closing chimes and thereby draw attention to oneself. Usually this is targeted at one person in particular, as if to announce ：Hellooo! I・m ON, talk to me!； Much more prevalent in women because men are still dense, even online. Talk to her, dammit.
Online-Statusitis -mousing over buddy・s name to check online status of buddy has become the latest stalking tool. Stalkers feel it necessary to up aggressiveness when they notice a buddy has an online time of 20 minutes and yet they haven・t IM-ed yet. They become somewhat pacified if idle time was also 20 minutes, revealing that the buddy is simply away. If not, it certainly means the buddy is talking to someone other than him/her (the stalker). And that means war.
Away-Message Complex (AMC) - a related strain is known as IM-Profilitis; taking full advantage of IM・s custom away-message option to ：express； oneself and manipulate people to IM through various tactics:
*Seduction-to lure a love interest to IM him or her, women or men will put up provocative quotes such as ：Where can I find love in this world? Who will show me the way?； or even urge direct action ：Talk to me...you know who you are...；. This tactic ends up being used more by women, again, since men are dense and therefore need seduction-ploys to catch their attention.
*Fishing for Pity-lonely people broadcast their every ache and pain, from a paper cut to menstrual cramps, for someone to IM them out of pity. Usually this is fairly obvious when a phone # follows the cry of pain: ： Aaahh...feeling bloated again...301-314-5555；. Sigh, it・s sad. But happens to the best of us.
*Begging Question-putting up a quote/question that anyone would die to answer; another way for lonely people to attract and IM or two. Ex. ：Would you rather eat a skunk or be reincarnated into a pig?； This scheme exploits the average college student・s eagerness to express him/herself. 9 times out of 10, someone will respond.
*Recycling Old Convos-cutting and pasting an old IM convo you had with another person to stimulate a certain buddy or to publicize your oh-so-candid personality. Often appears in the IM Profile too. Some opt to create rehearsed convos for the same effect. I was made a participant of a rehearsed convo. A friend was trying to show a guy via an old convo that people were telling her to guard her heart against him. The intention was to convey that hard-to-get vibe. Unfortunately, our attempt to create an old convo was ruined:
Xina (girl who shall remain anonymous): Ok. Like, I・m gonna say ：guard my heart；, ok? And u・re like, yea, ya know? Ok, like, I・ll do it now:
Wup0wer5 (me): Hm...uh, oka-ay
Xina: guard my heart?
Wup0wer5: Uhh...yea
Xina: what are u doing? what did I just tell u? just act like u・re telling me to guard my heart, like some wise guru, k? Ok, let・s do it again:
Xina: guard my heart?
Wup0wer5: Um, yes.
Wup0wer5: go and...guard that heart
Wup0wer5: did I do it right??
Xina: sigh...ugh. never mind
IM Acquaintance Simplex-the equivalent of the casual hi you always get from people you walk by but never really talk to. We・re talking about the people who say hi almost everytime they sign on but fail to get past hello.
AznConXnz: sup
Wup0wer5: hey, I・m doing good, u?
Wup0wer5: hello?
Wup0wer5: ??? Anyone home?
This may be a sign of someone who is reticent even on IM (rare; we all know shy people become scarily talkative online), or it may be the sign of someone with too many buddies, too little time. Perhaps its hard to talk with each of your 1,560 buddies. Which means you actually have an ：IM-life；. That・s great, I・m jealous already.
These are but a few of the many disorders stemming from frequent IM utilization. If you・ve discovered yourself exhibiting more than a few of the above behaviors, it may not be too late! Join IMaholics Anonymous (IA)--which I・ll start up and make a hefty profit from.
Am I afflicted with IMO, you ask?
Well, I knew things were getting out of hand when I received the following message:
NaceGirl: hey
NaceGirl: so..how was your day?
I darted a look to the corner of my eye and saw her face bathed in eerie blue light as she started into the monitor. NaceGirl...is my roommate.