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A Cutter's Journal
Some of the material within are actual entries into my journals that were written when I had just, or was in the process of, cutting myself. Most are simply my thoughts on cutting in general, my own cutting and why I do it.
If you are trying to learn more about cutters, this will give you some insight into the mind set of those who cut, and what they are going through when they do so.
For those of you who cut, the material presented here will be familiar, and possibly deeply affecting. I have shared it with you here so that you will know you are not alone and you are not crazy. Others go through and experience the same pain as you....and have the same "different" way of coping....hurting ourselves.
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THOUGHTS 28 January 2004 Most people, when faced with my scars, the act of my cutting, or even the memory of it, turn away in fear. They are disgusted and confused - they don't understand, can't comprehend how or why someone would or could do such a thing to themselves. My family has never understood it, and hates it - they don't like to see my scars; they feel it is some beacon that says they were to blame, that it is somehow their fault. My ex - I don't know what he thought of the scars; I don't remember. I think he said they hurt him. My boyfriend thinks they are ugly. I think my friend, Shannan, is the only person I've ever met that said, "your scars are so cool"; and meant it. But I suppose you have to see mental anguish and pain as beauty - which it is in some ways - to really think of the scars as beautiful or cool. For they are simply real and tangible beings borne of emotions usually only felt. I don't know what I think of them. Sometimes I don't like them - sometimes I wonder what my arms would like free of the terrible scarring. But I don't wish them gone; they are a part of me, they are my life story displayed for the world to see. They say, "Yes, I've suffered - I understand pain - and I survived it." They tell people, the people that are open to it, "I can feel your pain as well - I've been there - you can come to me - I understand." They are my battle scars. People are scared of my scars. Being a cutter, causing such pain and disfigurement to your own body, letting what is inside shine forth on the outside, is something you've never really experienced. You don't know what it is to feel that rage inside, and then to feel it pour out in a soothing stream of blood. You can't truly relate to silencing the screams in your head with the slice of a blade.
CUTTING ENTRIES The blood, the beautiful blood - bright red or deep crimson, it pours forth, cleansing the negative energies flowing from me with the blood. Listening to "Alien" by Bush. Alien - we're all aliens. Alienated truly from everything and everyone. Life is really a personal experience. No one can do it for you or feel it like you. We're really all so alone. Pain on the inside must be brought to the outside to deal with it.... Bleed out my pain. It is the only way it will not destroy me inside. Is it horrible that the thoughts that truly calm me most are those of me slitting my wrists, lying in my own blood as it pools around me?! This calms me - this is beautiful to me. Are these the thoughts of a doomed person? Am I doomed to be locked in this mental hell until it drives me so crazy that I take my own life to end it?!!?
18 February 2000 Tired, exhausted - mentally, emotionally drained. Anguish, pain, GUILT - they destroy me, consume me.
More to come... |