I THINK I HAVE BLUE BALLS!
Miscellaneous jokes
This day holds a lot of meaning for me. It was on this day two years ago that I lost my dear
wife and children. I'll never forget that game of cards...
Q: What is the difference between 365 blow jobs and a car tire?
A: One is a 'Good Year' and the other is a 'Great Year'.
A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.
"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating
something?" Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."
"No offense, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."
There was a flasher who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was
a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he
opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show
your ticket here, not your stub."
A blind man was standing on the corner with his dog when the dog raised his leg and wet on
the man's trouser leg. The man reached in his pocket and took out a doggie biscuit. A passerby
who had been watching ran up to him and said, "You shouldn't do that. He'll never learn
anything if you reward him when he does something like that!". The blind man retorted, "I'm
not rewarding him. I'm just trying to find his mouth so that I can kick him in the ass".
A husband and wife were having difficulty surviving financially so they decided that the wife
should try prostitution as an extra source of income. The husband drove her out to a popular
corner and informed her he would be at the side of the building if she had any questions or
problems. A gentlemen pulled up shortly after and asked her how much to go all the way. She
told him to wait a minute and ran around the corner to ask her husband. The husband told her
to tell the client $100. She went back and informed the client at which he cried "That was
too much!" He then asked "How much for a handjob?" She asked him to wait a minute and ran to
ask her husband how much. The husband said "Ask for $40". The woman ran back and informed the
client. He felt that this was an agreeable price and began to remove his pants and underwear.
Upon the removal of his clothing the woman noticed that the man was well hung. She asked him
once more to wait a moment. She ran around the corner again at which her husband asked "Now
what?" The wife replied "Can I borrow $60?"
Top Ten Things Men SHOULDN'T Say Out Loud In Victoria's Secret:
10. Does this come in children's sizes?
9. No Thanks. Just Sniffing.
8. I'll be in the dressing room going blind.
7. Mom will love this.
6. Oh the size won't matter. She's inflateable.
5. No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here.
4. Will you model this for me???
3. The Miracle What??? This is better than world peace!!
2. 45 bucks?? You're just gonna end up NAKED anyway!!
1. Oh, honey, you'll never squeeze your fat ass into that.
One day this man was jumping up and down on a manhole cover screaming at the top of his
lungs, "Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" Intrigued by the man's insane behavior, another man walks
over to him and asks why he is doing that. The first man responded, "It's a blast. You have to
try it. Jump as high as you can and scream 'Seventeen!!' as loud as humanly possible. You get
such a rush. Try it." Reluctantly, the second man gets on the manhole cover and barely hops
and says, "Seventeen?" very timidly. The first one says, "No, no, no. You're doing it wrong.
Jump higher. Yell louder." So, the second man begins jumping a little higher and speaking
louder than normal. Finally he says, "Hey, you know, I am getting a little bit of a rush.
Seventeen!! Seventeen!!" The man jumps higher and higher, screaming louder and louder. The
first man, once the second had jumped high enough, yanked the manhole cover out from under
the second, causing him to fall down the manhole. The first one man replaced the cover and,
once again, began jumping and screaming, "Eighteen!! Eighteen!!"
There was a small bakery shop in a town that had a very attractive female clerk. It became
known throughout the town that the pretty woman didn't like to wear panties under her skirt
while on duty as the clerk at the bakery. Men would come in to the store, all day long to buy
a loaf of raisin bread. When they requested raisin bread, the clerk would have to climb a
ladder to reach the bread on a high shelf behind the counter which revealed quite a show for
the male customers. As the day grew longer, the lady became quite exhausted from climing the
ladder to fetch raisin bread. Just as she was on the ladder retrieving another loaf of raisin
bread for a customer, an elderly gentleman walked into the bakery to purchase a pie for his
wife. The clerk shouted down to the old man, who was pretending not to be looking up and
asked, "sir, I'll bet yours is raisin, too?" The old gentleman replied, "no it isn't, but it
is sure startin' to twitch some."
What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus, looking for Klingons.
What is the difference between meat and fish?
If you beat your fish, it will die.
Two guys are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking his
prick. "I sure wish I could do that," said the one guy. To which the other replied, "Don't
you think you ought to pet him first??"
A farmer decides that his 3 sows should be bred, and contacts his buddy down the road, who
owns 3 male pigs. They agree on a stud fee, and the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and
brings them down the road to the males. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up
that night, asks the man how he can tell if it 'took' or not. The breeder replies that if,
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if they were rolling
in the mud as usual, they probably weren't ... The next morning, the sows are rolling in the
mud as usual, so the farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day
of frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling in the mud.
About the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I don't have the heart to look
again. This is getting ridiculous, AND expensive. You check today." With that, the wife peeks
out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are
they grazing at last?" "Nope." says the wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in the
back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
A doctor is going about his business, with a rectal thermometer tucked behind his ear. He goes
into a staff meeting to discuss the days activities, when a co-worker asks why he has a
thermometer behind his ear. In a wild motion he grabs for the thermometer, looks at it and
exclaims, "Damn, some asshole has my pen!"
While a preacher was trying to raise money for his parish, he found out there was a great deal
of money to be made in the horse racing business. To his dismay, he discovered at the horse
auction that the prices of horses were too steep and all he could afford was a donkey, which
he bought. Determined to make money for his parish, he entered his donkey in a race and to
everyone's surprise finished third. The next day, the newspaper headline read: PREACHER'S ASS
SHOWS The following week the preacher again entered the race and this time won! The newspaper
headline read: PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT Annoyed by this kind of publicity, the preacher's
Bishop suggested that the preacher not continue this activity. The headline read: BISHOP
SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS After reading the paper the Bishop demanded that the preacher get
rid of the donkey. The preacher gave the donkey to a Nun in the local convent. The headlines
read: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN When he recovered from the shock, the Bishop ordered the nun
to sell the donkey. When it was discovered that the Nun sold the donkey to a farmer for
$10.00 the headline read: NUN PEDDLES ASS FOR TEN BUCKS
BLUNT HOROSCOPES
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. On the
other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same
mistakes repeatedly. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You
have minor influence over you friends and people resent you for flaunting you power. You
lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their
nose a lot.
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick tempered, impatient
and scornful of advice. You are a prick.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)MIKE AND JASON ARE TAURUS
You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most
people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are a bisexual. However,
you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Gemini
are notorious for thriving on incest.
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. They think you are a sucker.
You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be
worth a shit.
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leo are bullies. You are
vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are
thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nit-picking is sickening to your friends.
You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers
or pimps.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are a male, your are
probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are
whores. All Librae die of venereal disease.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success
because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio are
murdered.
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you
have no talent. The majority of Sagittarii are drunks or pot heads. People laugh at you a
lot because you are always getting fucked.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has
never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.
A man walks into the local ice cream parlor and tells the attendant he wants a gallon of
vanilla, a gallon of strawberry and a gallon of chocolate ice cream. "Sorry" says the
attendant, "we're all out of chocolate ice cream." "In that case" says the man, "I'll have
a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate." "I told you we don't have
any chocolate ice cream, buddy" says the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed. "OK, in that
case" says the man, "I'll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of
chocolate." "Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?" "Van" he replies,
"But what does that have to do with ice cream?" "Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in
strawberry spell?" "Straw" he answers, "But I still don't understand what this has got to
do with my getting the ice cream I want?" "What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?" asks
the attendant. "Wait a minute" says the man, "there's no fuck in chocolate!" "Thats right.
THERE IS NO FUCK-IN CHOCOLATE!."
A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other.
Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the
purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street between their establishments. A
few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car.
It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing
it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran back
inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car
and cut off the last two inches of the tailpipe.
Top 25 Children's Books Not recommended by the National Library Assoc.
25. The Little Engine that Could Becomes intoxicated and Kills Civillians.
24. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer's Games of Revenge.
23. Peter Rabbit's Frisky Adventures.
22. Dick, Jane, and Spot Wander into The 'Hood'.
21. Clifford the Big Red Dog Accidently Eats his Masters and is Put to Sleep.
20. Valuable Protein and Other Nutritional Benefits of Things from your Nose.
19. The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad.
18. The great Sleepover at Michael Jackson's house.
17. A Pictoral History of Circus Geek Suicides.
16. Charles Manson Bedtime Stories.
15. Daddy Loses His Job and Finds the Bottle.
14. Babar Meets the Taxedermist and Becomes a Piano.
13. Controlling the playground: Respect through Fear.
12. David Duke's World of Imagination.
11. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence.
10. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables.
9. Legends of Scab Football.
8. Teddy: the Elf with the Detached Retina.
7. Baking with Jeffery Dahmer
6. Hitler's Bedtime Storys.
5. Jason Navarro's Lets Start a Real-Estate Empire with the change from your Mom's Purse.
4. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy.
3. Things Rich Kids Have, but you never will.
2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica without their clothes on.
1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and are Shot Dead.
Q: What is the difference between a brown-noser and a shit-head?
A: Depth perception.
Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the
walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969." The other hooks his thumb behind him says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."
A man wants to have a luau. He needs a pig for a luau, so he goes to a pig farm. He asks the
farmer for a twenty-pound pig. The farmer goes into the pen, searches around awhile. He picks
up a pig, puts the tail in his mouth, and begins swinging the pig around for a few seconds. He
puts the pig down, and says, "Nope, not quite twenty pounds." He picks up another pig, puts
the tail in his mouth, swings the pig around awhile,and declares, "This one's twenty pounds!"
He brings the pig out, and the man says in a shocked tone, "You can't weigh a pig like that!"
"Sure I can," said the farmer, "Watch this." He called his son over and asked him to weigh
the pig. The boy came over, picked up the pig, put its tail in his mouth, and swung it around
awhile. He put the pig down and said, "This one weighs twenty pounds." The man still looked
perplexed, so the farmer told the boy to get his mother so that she can weigh the pig. After
five minutes, the boy returned alone. "She can't come out just yet," the boy said. "She's
weighing the mailman."
Top ten things you don't want to overhear from the cockpit
10. "The union president called - he said the pilots' strike starts IMMEDIATELY."
9. "We'll just ask the flight attendant to wake us up when we get there."
8. "My name is Forrest Gump - people call me Forrest Gump."
7. "Hey, Jim, do you remember where we're going?"
6. "Buckle your seat belt - I'm going to try something I saw in a cartoon."
5. "Bye, bye, Miss American Pie..."
4. "Wow, we're sure a lot lighter now that we dropped that second engine!"
3. "Only 500 more flight hours, and I'll get my license!"
2. "They say this plane practically flies itself. Good thing, huh?"
1. "TODAY WE DIE FOR ALLAH!"
It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people who'd really had a bad day
on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man:
"Tell me about the day you died". The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was
having an affair, so I came home early to catch her. I searched all over the apartment and
couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out on the balcony -- we live on the 25th floor --
and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer,
and started hitting his hands. He fell but landed in some bushes. So I got the refrigerator
and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart
attack, and I died." St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was
a crime of passion, so he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about his day.
"Well, sir, it was awful", said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my
26th-floor apartment when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the
apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers. I landed on some
bushes. But then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" St. Peter chuckled, let him into
heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died",
he said to the third man in line. "OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside of a
refrigerator..."
Subliminal thoughts, by Mike Bradley:
You know there is something wrong when a pregnant woman finishes taking a shit and thinks of
a name for her unborn child. (personal experience)
I wish everyone would hold their breath until they turn blue. Then everyone would be the same
color, and there would be no racism, and we'd live in harmony. Not for long, of course,
because we'd all be dead.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is,"God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of
something you did."
I heard about this plastic surgeon that hung himself. Yep! Clear down to his knees!
A couple had been married for 30 years, and on their anniversary they decided to go back to
the same hotel where they had spent their blissful wedding night. Her husband was laying on
the bed when she came out of the bathroom totally nude, just as she had 30 years before. She
stood seductively before him and asked, "Tell me, darling, what were you thinking 30 years ago
when I came out of the bathroom like this?" He replied, "I took one look at you and thought
I'd like to screw your brains out and suck your boobs dry." "And what are you thinking now,
baby?" she asked huskily. He said, "I'm thinking I did a pretty good job of it!"
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling
horny?" "Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?" "I usually suck on a Lifesaver."
After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?"
A woman was in bed having sex with her husband's best friend when all of a sudden the
telephone rings and she answers. After hanging up she says, "That was Harry, but don't worry,
he won't be home for awhile. He's playing cards with you."
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good
news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors.
But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice." So, the man
opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete
floor. Not very nice, he thought. Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people
standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last
door. Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in
excrement and sipping coffee. "Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to
get something to drink while Satan closed the door. A few minutes later the door opened,
Satan stuck his head in and said, "Ok, coffee break's over, back on your heads!"
Did you blow bubbles as a kid? Well, he is back in town and he wants your phone number!
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in
packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. "Well," he said, "I've been seeing
this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's
"the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a
feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so
you'd better give me the 12 pack." The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that
evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give
the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He
leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."
4 KINDS OF SEX:
HOUSE SEX: When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX: After you have been married for a while you just have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX: After you have been married for many, many years, you just pass each other in the
hall and say, "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX: Your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of lots of
people for every penny you've got.
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated
conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she
listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two
asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and
pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly.
"In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said
the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
Q. What is the difference between a penis and a paycheck?
A. You don't have to beg your girlfriend to blow your paycheck.
NEW WORDS THAT YOU WON'T FIND IN WEBSTER'S DICTIONARY!
Hypotholess = Uneducated guess.
Psychic Amnesia = Fortelling what you will forget.
Q. What do you get when Lawrence Taylor kills three people?
A. A new NFL record!
Top Ten Rejected Doctor Seuss Books:
1. Who Shat in the Hat?
2. Horton Feels a Ho
3. Your Colon Can Moo---Can You?
4. Zippy the Rabid Gerbil
5. One Bitch, Two Bitch, Dead Bitch, Blue Bitch
6. Herbert the Pervert Likes Sherbert
7. The Bitch Set Me Up
8. My Pocket Rocket Needs A Socket
9. Aunts in My Pants
10. The Grinch's Ten Inches
TYPE OF PEOPLE YOU MIGHT MEET IN THE MENS ROOM
EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.
SOCIABLE: Joins friends in pissing whether he has to or not.
CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.
TIMID: Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal and comes back later.
INDIFFERENT: If all urinals being used, pisses in sink.
CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and pisses on floor.
WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.
FRIVOLOUS: Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit a fly or bug.
ABSENT MINDED : Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.
CHILDISH: Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.
TOUGH: Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry it.
PATIENT: Stands very close for a long time waiting, lets it drip dry, reads with other hand.
EFFICIENT: Waits until he has to crap, then does both.
DRUNK: Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.
IMPOTENT: Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.
CONCEITED: Holds two inch dick like a baseball bat.
DESPERATE: Waits in long line, teeth clenched, pisses in pants.
SNEAKY: Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in next stall will get
blamed.
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street.
Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello
master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well,
I really like drinking vodka." Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I
want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he
gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He notices that the glass looks like vodka,
smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted. The
Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall
and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to
drink, it is vodka. Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka
she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night. The next night, the Russian comes
home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka."
His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to
piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one
glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the
bottle."
What are the the three disadvantages of being an egg? You only get laid once, it only takes
three seconds to get hard and the only chick who ever sits on your face is your mom.
A woman was sick of her husband's drinking, so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed
up like Satan, and when her husband returned home from another bender, she jumped out from
behind the sofa and screamed. "You don't scare me," the man said, looking her over calmly.
"I married your sister."
A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the toilet seat. The wife
comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is
understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. She puts
on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. When they get to the doctor's,
the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever
seen anything like this before?" "Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."
Mabel, who is 60 years old, goes to her doctor for her annual physical. He examines her
thoroughly and says "Mabel, i've got good news and bad news for you." Mabel said "What's the
good news?" The doctor says "You are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong
with you." Mabel then asked "What's the bad news?" The doctor said "You're pregnant!" Mabel
flew out of his office. She was very upset, and ran home and called her husband at work. When
he answered, she said "You old goat-you got me pregnant!" After a long pause, he said "Who's
calling?"
"What's the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt ?" the shop teacher asked the only
girl in the shop class during the first day of school. She pondered the question for a moment,
then replied, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know, 'cause I ain't never been 'bolted'."
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got
to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on
everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the
coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured
a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid.
"Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still. So they
went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and
exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's
colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder
still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the
bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He
took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went
"FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
The pretty young Miss was having a tooth pulled and the dentist gave her the usual "This won't
hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately draw
back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible wisper, "You have hold of my
testicles!" "Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt,each other, are we?"
A beautiful woman is out shopping one day and hears two men who are walking behind talking
about her. One guy says "Wouldn't you like to get into her pants one day?" and the other leers
and agrees that would be great! The woman turns around and says to them both"Thanks, but no,
guys. One asshole in my pants is enough for me!!"
An Australian travel writer touring Canada was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he
paid his bill said to the manager, asked, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in
the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived." "Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said
the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to
allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief
Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail
of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put
the chief's memory to the test. "'hello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod
in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?" "Eggs," was the chief's
instant reply, without even looking up, and indeed the Aussie was impressed. He went off on
his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others others
of Big Chief Forget- me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more
appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane
Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the
lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick. "How?" said the Aussie. "Scrambled,"
said the Chief.
Two older gentleman were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary
soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one... 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "what
are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a
trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to
be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."
The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when
one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear," said the
Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's quite understandable," said
the archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse."
This woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked what was the problem she responded, "Well,
whenever I take off my clothes my nipples get hard." Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath
then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" "Yes," quite innocently came her reply. "Undress so I can
check," replied the still amazed doc. So she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and
massaging, trying to reach an answer. After some considerable time the doctor, still looked
puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell contagious!"
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR SPOUSE MAY BE HAVING AN ONLINE AFFAIR
10. Lately she sits at the computer naked
9. After signing off, he always has a cigarette
8. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive
7. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up
6. He's gotten amazingly good at typing with one hand
5. She makes sarcastic remarks about your "software"
4. Lipstick on the mouse
3. During sex, she screams "A colon backslash enter insert!"
2. The fax file is filled with pictures of someone's butt
1. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of underwear
The top 10 ways to get kicked off a jury:
10. When the prosecutor approaches the jury box, attempt to give him your drink order.
9. Snore so loud that it wakes the other jurors.
8. Ask for a conjugal visit with the judge's wife.
7. When items are held up to be entered as evidence, shout out a bid.
6. Snicker loudly whe witnesses swear to tell the truth.
5. Wear a rainbow wig and hold a JOHN 3:16 sign.
4. Leap from your seat and try to wrestle the service revolver from a court officer.
3. Show up three consecutive days with pie on your face.
2. Every time someone objects, knock back a jell-o shot.
1. Refuse to remove your Walkman.
A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes
place.... The man says: "What's the problem officer?" Officer: "You were going at least 75
in a 55 zone." Man: "No sir, I was going 65." Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80." [Man gives
his wife a dirty look.] Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail
light." Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!" Wife: "Oh Harry,
you've known about that tail light for weeks."[Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: "I'm
also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt." Man: "Oh, I just took it
off when you were walking up to the car." Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."
Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your mouth woman!" Officer turns to the woman and asks,
"Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?" Wife says: "No, only when he's
drunk."
Little Johnny cusses all the time. His mom tells him, "One more bad word out of you and you
can hit the road!" Sure enough, the kid says one more, and mom sends him packing. When it got
dark, the mom got a little concerned. She was going to go look for him, but as soon as she
opened the front door, there he sat on the front porch. "You thought it over and decided to
change your ways, right?" She said. "No," Johnny said, "Where the fuck could I go?"
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks.
If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking ass." Too late he noticed a
beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more ass this month, I'm going to lose
my fucking car."
Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex: 1st: Yessir, I did it three times
last night with a 30 year old! 2nd: You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's
your secret? 1st: Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding! So
the second old man rushed to the store. Clerk: May I help you? Old man: Yes, I'd like four
loaves of whole-wheat bread, please. Clerk: That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard
before you're done! Old man: Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?
The Bobbitt Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray my penis I will keep, And if I wake and it is gone, I hope
to find it on the lawn. I hope the dog that's running free, Doesn't see that little part of
me, Many precautions I must take, To keep this part I love to shake. Much attention I must
pay, To assure I put the knives away, The mower, chain saw, the hatchet too, there's no
telling what she'd do. To rid me of my manly charm, I must keep it safe, away from harm, So
I cross my fingers, as I close my eyes, and I cross my legs to avoid surprise!
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
Don't be silly, protect your willy.
When in doubt, shroud your spout.
Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong.
If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
If you slip between her thighs, condomize.
It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
She won't get sick, if you wrap your dick.
If you go into heat, package your meat.
While your undressing venus, dress up your penis.
When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse.
Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker.
The right selection, is to protect your erection.
Wrap it in foil, before checking her oil.
If you really love her, wear a cover.
Don't make a mistake, cover your snake.
Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
"I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife," the young man said, eyeing the attractive
salesgirl, "but I don't know her size." "Will this help?" she asked sweetly, placing her
hand in his. "Oh, yes," he answered. "Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours."
"Will there be anything else?" the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
"Now that you mention it," he replied, "she also needs a bra and panties."
Four Catholic mothers are sitting around bragging about their sons, each of whom is a priest.
First mother says, "My son is a monsignor, and when he walks in the room, people greet him
'Good morning, monsignor.'" Second mother says, "Well, my son is a Bishop, and people greet
him 'Good morning, your Grace.'" Third mother says, "Well, my son is a Cardinal, and people
greet him 'Good morning, your Eminence.'" The fourth mother pauses, and finally says, "My son
is six feet, ten inches tall and is 300 pounds of pure muscle. When he walks in the room,
people greet him 'Oh, My God!'"
Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't:
10. Nuts...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first
Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
10. I need to whip it out by 5.
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Just stick it in my box.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag!
6. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid!
4. My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
1. It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, the guy tells Ford, Well, you've been such a
good gut and your invention the car changed the world. As a reward, you can hang out with
anyone you want in heaven.' So Henry Ford thinks about it and says: 'I want to hang out with
Adam, the first man.' -- So the guy at the gates points Adam out to Ford. When Ford gets to
Adam, Ford asks 'Hey aren't you the inventor of woman?' Adam says: 'Yes.' 'Well,' says Ford,
'You have some major design flaws in your invention : 1) There is too much front end protusion
2) It chatters at high speeds 3) The rear end wobbles too much 4) and the intake is too close
to the exhaust.' 'Hmmmmm..' says Adam, 'hold on'. So Adam goes to the celestial computer,
types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the results. The computer prints out a slip of paper
and Adam reads it. He then says to Ford, 'It may be that my invention is flawed, but according
to the stellar computer, more men are riding my invention than yours.'
BAD HALLMARK CARDS!
1.Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
2.I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's
incurable.
3.My tire was thumping....I thought it was flat....when I looked at the tire....I found your
cat...Sorry! 4.You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of
flowers and a box of Depends.
5.You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're
one...of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6.So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a
really good lay. 7.Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...Don't fret about your
wife though...She's moving in with me.
8.Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
9.You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry.
10.So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder...
and stay away from the boss's wife.
A newlywed couple are on their honeymoon and about to consumate their marriage. The husband
starts to undress in front of his new wife, slowly and seductively removing his pants. His
wife is turned on, until she sees her husband's knees, which are deformed and twisted. "What
the heck happened to your knees?" she asked. "When I was a child, I had knee-sels", he
replied. "You mean measels", she corrected. "No, I mean knee-sels", he insisted. Not wanting
to ruin the mood, she refrains from saying anything. She continues to watch him undress. He
slowly removes his socks and his wife can't help but notice that they are warped and crooked
beyond belief. "What the heck happened to your toes? she asked. "I had Toe-lio when I was a
teenager", he replied. "You mean you had Polio, right?" she corrected. "No, I mean I had
Toe-lio", he replied firmly. Annoyed, but still determined to make the most of the night,
she kept quiet and continued watching him undress. Finally, he takes off his underwear and
his wife yelled, "I SUPPOSE YOU HAD SMALL COXS, TOO!!!!"
A man entered a tattoo parlor on the and wanted to get a tattoo. 'What can I do for you?'
asked the tattoo artist. 'Well,' the man replied, 'I want a $100 dollar bill tattooed on my
dick.' I've never that request before. Do you mind if I ask why?' 'Well, I really like watch
my money grow. I also love to play with my money and, I'll tell you, My wife can blow a
hundred dollar's better than anyone I've known!'
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took
out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, 'Hey,
that's a good idea. What's that called?' The lady responded, 'It's a condom.' The other lady
said, 'Where can you get one of those?' She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery or drug store.'
So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, '
I need to get some condoms.' The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said,
'UH, what size?' The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.'
A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist
asked, "Yes sir, may we help you?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.
The receptionist became aggravated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded office and
say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you." he said.
"We do not use language like that here," she said. "Please go outside and come back in and
say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever." The man walked out, waited
several minutes and reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's
something wrong with my 'ear'," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly. "And what
is wrong with your ear, sir?" "I can't piss out of it." the man replied.
Mickey Mouse called a lawyer to discuss divorcing Minnie. The lawyer said, "I can't get you
a divorce just because you think Minnie is a little strange." "No," said Mickey "I said she
was FUCKING GOOFY!"
This guy has four daughters who all live at home. One Friday night the doorbell rings. The
guy answers it and a kid standing there says 'Hi, I'm Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty.
We're gonna go eat spaghetti. Is she ready?' The man, mildly amused calls down his daughter
and the two leave. A few minutes later the doorbell rings again and he answers. A kid
standing there says 'Hi, I'm Jim. I'm here to see Kim. We're gonna go for a swim. Can I
come in?' The guy, now perplexed, says yes and the two take off. A few minutes later the
doorbell rings and again the father answers. A kid standing there says 'Hi, I'm Joe. I'm
here to pick up Flo. We're gonna go to the show. Can she go?' The man, now kind of annoyed
says yes and the two depart. Sure enough, af few minutes later the door rings and the father
answers. A kid standing there says 'Hi, I'm Chuck..' The father shot him.
On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present
for his son. Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just
hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30 minutes
into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking and quivering. 'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew?
'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man. Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking
again.. 'Are you sure you're alright sir?' 'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to
make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the
front of my pants.' 'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?' 'No, that's not
the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'
Q: What is the definition of wicker box?
A: It's what Elmer Fudd wants to do to Madonna.
A pretty girl is driving through the West. Her car runs out of gas, and an Indian comes along
on a horse, gives her a ride to a gas station. Every few minutes he lets out a wild whoop that
would curdle milk. Finally, he drops her off with a final Yaaaaa-Hooo! and gallops off. "My
god!" says the gas station guy, "What the hell were you doing to that Injun to make him holler
like that?" "Why, nothing," says the girl, "I just sat behind him with my arms around him,
holding onto his saddle horn." "Lady," says the guy, "Indians don't use saddles."
Some time after their bitter divorce, a man happened to pull up alongside his ex-wife at a
traffic signal. He shouted over "So... out looking for a little, huh ?" She smiled sweetly
and said, "No, I had 6 years of that with you. I'm out looking for a LOT!"
A GUY WALKS INTO A BAR...
Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side. An unescorted
female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me?"
As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money,
but I don't have an extra two dollars."
She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his
scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy. "Where the hell have you been all night?"
she demands. "At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there
is golden." "Bullshit! There's no such place!" Guy says, "Sure there is! It's got huge golden
doors, a golden floor, the works - hell, even the urinal's gold!" The wife still doesn't
believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called
the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story. "Is this the Golden
Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone. "Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?" "Sure do." "Do you have golden floors?" "Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?" There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender
yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night!"
Three guys are drinking in a bar and soon they get to bragging about the size of their dicks.
After hearing this for awhile the bartender makes the suggestion that they just whip them
out and compair to settle the whole mess. Each man takes his out and lays it on the bar.
About that time in walks a queer. The bartender asks "What will it be"? The queer says,
"Well I was wanting a beer but I think I'll just take the buffet"!
SIGNS THAT YOU ARE TOO DRUNK:
You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine, Alcohol, and [Women or Men].
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and more attractiive.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.
A man ordered four expensive 30-year-old single malts and had the bartender line them up in
front of him. Then, without pausing, he downed each one. "Whew," the bartender remarked,
"you seem to be in a hurry." "You would be too if you had what I have." "What do you have?"
the bartender sympathetically asked. "Fifty cents."
A man walked in to a bar and said to the bartender that he had a bad day at work and wanted 1
shot of everything he had in the bar. The bartender poured 1 shot of everything in to a glass
and the man drank it down and staggered out. The next day the man came back in and the
bartender said it looks like you had another bad day at work, and the man said no way. He
said I went home last night and was blowing chunks all night. the bartender said oh you got
a little sick? The man said, no chunks is my dog.
Grandad and grandson go bar hopping. The grandad orders a whiskey, takes a swig, then puts it
down. Grandson says, "Hey grandad, can I get somma that?"
Grandad says, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?"
Grandson says, "Nope."
Grandad says, "Well there's your answer." After a little while of drinking, grandad pulls out
a pack of cigarettes and lights one up.
Granson says, "Hey grandad, can I get one of those?"
Grandad says, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?"
Grandson says, "Nope."
Grandad says, "Well there's your answer." So after a little while they get tired and pack up
to go home. On the way home they stop at a little
store, and each buys a lottery ticket. The grandad scratches his and wins nothing. The
grandson scratches his and wins $5,000.
Grandad says, "Hey grandson, can I get somma that?"
Grandson says, "Does the tip of your dick reach the cheeks of your ass?"
Grandad says, "Sure does."
Grandson says, "Well good, take it and go fuck yourself 'cause you ain't gettin none of this."
A man walks into a bar with an alligator on his shoulder. He throws the alligator on the bar
and orders a beer. The bartender ask why he has the alligator. The man replies that the
alligator can do tricks. The bartender ask what he can do. The man pulls out a little hammer
from his pocket and hits the alligator on the head. The alligator opens his mouth real wide.
The man takes out his penis and puts it in the alligators mouth. The man then hits the
alligator on the head with the hammer and the alligator closes his mouth but stops just
short of biting his penis. The man hits the alligator on the head again and he opens his
mouth. He removes his penis. The man says-I bet there isn't another person in this room brave
enough to do that. A gay man stands up in the back of the room and replies-I will! I will!
If you don't hit me so hard in the head with that hammer.
This guy walks into a bar sits down and orders a beer and a bowl of chili. The barkeep brings
it over and sets it before him. Just that quick this little guy jumps off his shoulders drinks
his beer and takes a whizz in his chili! The patron says "another beer and chili please."
Barkeep brings him another round and chili, just that quick this little guy jumps down drinks
his beer and takes a whizz in his chili, "another beer andchili." the patron says. "Hold on,"
says the barkeep, "I keep bringing you beer & chili, but that shrimp won't let you have your
meal. What's the deal?" "I was walking down the beach came across this Genie bottle and he
granted me three wishes," the patron says. "The first wish I wished for a nice mansion next
I wished for lots of money and for my third wish, I wished for a twelve inch prick ..... and
the son-of-a-bitch has been with me ever since!"
A man got drunk in a bar. The bartender asked what was wrong. "I just found out that my older
brother is gay," said the man. The next day the same man was drunk in the bar again. The
bartender asked what was wrong. "I just found out that my younger brother is gay," said the
man. "My God," said the bartender. Doesn't anyone in your family like girls? "Yeah," said
the man. "My wife."
Robert and Cullun had been having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when
the call of nature caused them to line up at the same time, still deep in their conversation.
But Cullun could hardly ignore the fact that Robert was very well endowed. "I say, that's a
remarkable penis you have there old boy," Cullun was prompted to remark. "Wasn't always that
way," replied Robert. "Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days," he said.
"I got this done over in Harley St, England. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, well
worth every cent." Cullun was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to
the Old Dart first thing. It was a good six months later before he ran into his old friend
once again and Cullun could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well
pleased with the result. "But Robert, I will tell you something else," said Cullun. "You were
diddled. I got mine for $500, not a thousand." Robert could hardly believe it. Same address
in Harley St, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Cullun if he
could have a look. Once more they lined up at the porcelain and when Robert took a peek over
the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. "No wonder," he
laughed. "That's my old one!"
Things overheard in a bar...and what they meant
No, really, I'm OK to drive.
I'm wasted and should have someone bring me home but I am too embarrassed to have anybody see
who I am going home with.
I'm not used to these darts.
I'm not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I am this bombed.
Lets go out to my car and get some cigarettes. (w/ opposite sex)
You would look great face down in my lap.
You get this one, next round is on me.
We won't be here long enough to get another round.
I'll get this one, next one is on you.
This place has dollar drafts and beers are $4.50 a pop at the next bar.
I haven't seen you around here for a long time.
You stuck up little bitch, too good for your old friends??
Hey, where is that friend of yours?
I have no interest whatsoever in talking to you other than you're a way to get your friend
into a compromising position.
Lets get out of here.
I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that Harley guy's helmet.
Can I get a glass of white zinfandel? (female)
I'm easy.
Can I get a glass of white zinfandel? (male)
I'm gay.
Ever try a body shot? (male to female)
I am even willing to do a tequila shot if it means that I get to lick you.
Ever try a body shot? (female to male)
If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I'll do to you on the ride home?
Look at that girl leaving with 5 guys.
Take a good look now because next time you see that face it will be on the back of a milk
carton.
I don't feel well, lets go home. (female)
You are paying more attention to your friends than me.
I don't feel well, lets go home. (male)
I'm horny.
I've had like 10 beers already.
I've only had 3, but I need an excuse to behave this way.
Who's got the next round?
I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.
I'm getting my life back together.
Are you kidding? Would I be in a place like this, rocked off my ass, if I had my act together?
I'm a mess; fear and avoid me like the plague.
Excuse Me. (male to male) Get the fuck out of the way.
Excuse Me. (male to female) I am going to grope you now.
Excuse Me. (female to male) Don't even think about groping me, just get the fuck out of the way.
Excuse Me (female to female) Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not
all that, missy, and don't think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing
like a ho...Get your eyes off of my man, or I'll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.
I'm out of here, I have to work in the morning. I owe that guy who just walked in the
door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.
What do you have on tap?
What's cheap?
Can I have a white Russian? (male)
I'm really gay.
Can I have a white Russian? (female)
I'm really easy.
You go ahead, I'll catch a cab
I already lined up a ride home with your ex-girlfriend.
That person looks really familiar.
Did I sleep with him/her?
Can I just get a glass of water? (female)
I'm annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.
Can I just get a glass of water? (male)
It's 9:00 am and I just stopped drinking about 90 minutes ago. Hell, I probably dropped half
of my paycheck in here last night, it is the least
you can do for me.
Do you have any Wild Turkey?
I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.
I don't have my ID on me.
I'm 19.
I don't have my ID on me.
I don't have a license since I got pulled over and blew like a .4 last time I was in here.
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and
don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." The bartender is skeptical and
decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says,
"Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch." The bartender
tries once more with 8-year scotch. The man takes a sip, grimaces and says, "Bartender, I
don't want 8-year scotch like this filth. Give me 12-year scotch!" Impressed, the bartender
gets the 12-year scotch, the man takes a sip and sighs, "Ah, now that's the real thing." A
disgusting, grimy, stinking drunk has been watching all this with great interest. He stumbles
over and sets a glass down in front of the man and says, "Hey, I think that's really far out
what you can do. Try this one." The man takes a sip and immediately spits out the liquid and
cries, "Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!" The drunk's eyes light up and he says,
"Yeah, now how old am I?"
(
geocities.com/yip77)