"Lost in Turmoil"

12/10/01 4:46am I`m having one of those weeks where every aspect of my life seems to be turning on me. Maybe its because I`ve quit smoking, but I am caught in a state of constant aggrevation. For the first time in my near 21 years on this planet, I want to beat somebody up. The ire, hidden deep withinmy friendly exterior, has finally surfaced. Friends that are close to me should know; I would only talk like this under two circumstances. 1) If I am truely pissed off at someone, or 2) If I am butt drunk. As much as I wish I am butt drunk at 4:46 in the morning, I am completely sober. By process of elimination, one can come to the conclusion that I am truely pissed off at someone. Although I am considered a first class hater, it takes alot for me to actually pump my fists and fight for what I believe in. Unless my stress is somehow subsided, the whole world will come to fear the rage unleashed by my feather-weight body.
Finals could not have come at a worse time. I was fortunate enough to have only three exams, two of which have already passed. However, seeing everyone else stress about school kind of rubs off on me. Finals are also a great reminder of what a slacker I`ve become. I pride myself on being the world`s most successful under-achiever, but at a certain point, it just starts becoming pathetic. Its not that I don`t need to study. If that was the case, I would be making grades like my roommate`s. Its not that I lack determination, because I have great things planned out for my future. I always condone this kind of behavior because I believe that college is more about experiences, rather than grades. However, I don`t need to be experiencing 6 years of college because of my poor grades. Therefore, I will attempt to synopsize this little predicament with this one sentence: I am a genius because I have come to realize my full potential; yet, I am a fool for never utilizing it.
Life is not fair.I`ve heard and preached this around my friends many times, but never has it been so apparent to me until this past week. I used to think if I want something bad enough, I can get it. Life has come to b*tch slap me into my senses. What can I say... I`m lost in a turmoil of double standards, manipulations, and desperate attempts for redemption. I sure could use a cigarette right about now...
As the semester draws nearer to the end, I would like to wish the soon-to-be graduates good luck in whatever they pursue. Anh and Cindy, you will be missed. Thanks for looking after me these past few years. Look at what a big boy you`ve helped me become :)