Some of My Favorite Quotes "I would rather be an optimist and a fool than a pessimist and correct." -Albert Einstein

"When I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife." -Groucho Marx

"Work is the curse of the drinking class." -Oscar Wilde

"It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens." -Woody Allen

"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket,' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" -Jake Johansen

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." -Dave Barry

"Be wary of strong drink. It will make you shoot at tax collectors, and it will make you miss." -Lazarus Long

"Be careful when reading health books. You might die of a misprint." -Mark Twain

"Gimme some coffee." "How would you like it, sir?" "In a cup, fool!" -Mr. T

"If you want to take long walks, take long walks. If you want to hit things with a stick, hit things with a stick. There is no excuse for combining the two and putting the results on TV. Golf is not so much a sport as an insult to lawns." -National Lampoon

"You're only as old as the woman you feel." -Groucho Marx

"Bigamy is having one wife to many. Monogamy is the same thing." -Oscar Wilde

"I put instant coffee in the microwave and almost went back in time." -Stephen Wright

"Now remember, if the ash tray falls, it's an omen that we're all going to die. That's because it's holding the tires on." -Andy Horne, while driving

"Windows 95: a 32-bit extension to a 16-bit patch to an 8-bit operating system that was written for a 4-bit processor designed by a two-bit company that can't stand one bit of competition." -The Jargon File

"It is sad to think that the first few people on Earth needed no books, movies, games or music to inspire cold-blooded murder. The day Cain bashed his brother Abel's brains in, the only motivation he needed was his own human disposition to violence." -Brain Warner, b.k.a. Marilyn Manson

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pyjamas. How he got in 'em I'll never know." -Groucho Marx

"Since the kids they're [educators & journalists] supposed to be protecting know quite well that wearing trench coats, going online, or watching movies isn't dangerous in and of itself, mostly what educators and journalists end up demonstrating to kids is that they're clueless." -John Katz, internet columnist, on some off the reactions to the Columbine shooting.

"'What were they listening to, oh what were they listening to?' Who cares what they were listening to? What the f*** was Hitler listening to, okay? What was in his CD case? Everybody's like 'What were they listening to?' Is it the movies, is it the records, why can't they just be crazy?" -Chris Rock, on some of the reactions to the Columbine shooting.

"American beer is like having sex in a rowboat-- it's f***ing close to water!" -Monty Python's Eric Idle

"Religion breaks a character before it is formed, in childhood, by teaching a child of lies before it knows what a lie is, by breaking him of the habit of thinking before he has begun to think." -Ayn Rand

"One good turn gets most of the blankets." -Unknown

"You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I'm sure he was glad to be rid of it." -Groucho Marx

"This is called Advertising Lullabye - keeping in mind that the whole purpose of advertising is to lull you to sleep. Quality, value, style, service, selection, convenience, economy, savings, performance, experience, hospitality, low rates, friendly service, name brands, easy terms, affordable prices, money-back guarantee, free installation. Free admission, free appraisal, free alterations, free delivery, free estimates, free home trial, and free parking. No cash, no problem. No kidding! No fuss, no muss, no risk, no obligation, no red tape, no down payment, no entry fee, no hidden charges, no purchase necessary, no one will call on you, no payments or interest til September. But... limited time only, so act now, order today, send no money, offer good while supplies last, two to a customer, each item sold seperately, batteries not included, mileage may vary, all sales are final, allow six weeks for delivery, some items not available, some assembly required, some restrictions may apply. So come on in, for a free demonstration, and a free consultation with our friendly professional staff. Our experienced and knowledgeable sales representatives will help you make a selection that's just right for you, and just right for your budget. And say-- don't forget to pick up your free gift: a classic deluxe custom deisgner luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet pocket pencil sharpener. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. And, if you act now, we'll include an extra added free complimentary bonus gift: a classic deluxe custom deisgner luxury prestige high-quality premium select gourmet combination key ring, magnifying glass and garden hose, in a genuine imitation leather-style carrying case with authentic vinyl trim. Yours for the asking, no purchase necessary, it's our way of saying thank you. Actually, it's our way of saying bend over just a little bit farther, so we can stick this big advertising d*** up your a** a little bit deeper (bthump) a little bit deeper (bthump) a little bit deeper (bthump, bthump... bthump bthump)." -George Carlin, Advertising Lullabye (He recites this without paper, people)

"I'm aware some stare at my hair; in fact, to be fair, some really despair of my hair.
But I don't care. 'Cause the're not aware, nor are they debonair.
In fact, they're just square. They see hair down to there, say 'beware' and go off on a tear.
I say, no fair. A head that's bare is really nowhere. So be like a bear. Be fair with your hair.
Show it you care. Wear it to there. Or to there, or to there if you dare.
My wife bought some hair at a fair to use as a spare. Did I care? Au Contrair.
Spare hair is fair; in fact, hair can be rare. Fred Astaire got no hair,
Nor does a chair, nor a chocolate eclair. And where is the hair on a pear? Nowhere, mon frere.
Now that I've shared this affair of the hair, I think I'll repair to my lair and use Nair.
Do you care?" -George Carlin, The Hair Piece

"Here's another example of overprotection. Did you ever notice on the TV news everytime some guy with an AK-47 strolls on to a schoolyard and kills three or four kids and a couple of teachers, the next day - the next day - the school is overrun with counselors and psychiatrists and grief counselors and trauma therapists trying to help the children cope. Sh**. When I was in school, and someone came and killed three or four of us, we went right on with our arithmetic. 'Thirty-five classmates, minus four, equals thirty-one.' We were tough. I say if kids can handle the violence at home, they ought to be able to handle the violence in school." -George Carlin, Kids and Parents

"Here's another bunch of ignorant sh**. School uniforms - bad theory. The idea that if kids wear uniforms to school it helps keep order. Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike? Now they're going to get them to look alike too? And it's not a new idea. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930's, but it was hard to understand 'cause the narration was in German." - George Carlin, Kids and Parents

"Speaking in front of a crowd is considered the #1 fear of the average person. I found that amazing. Number two was death. Number two! That means, for the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than giving the eulogy." - Jerry Seinfeld

"Elves count as two white people." - Jason Ayala

"Ever seen a hearse in a funeral procession? Ever seen an armored car behind it?" - Frank Thomas, when questioned about the amount of money he spent on lottery tickets

[discussing terminal velocity] "On a mathematical note, the acceleration force is always constant, whereas the drag increases as the square of the speed. The line reaches an asymptote at around 125 mph. Interestingly though, it is actually the 0 mph bit at the end that kills you." - Posted on www.urbanlegends.com by Mike Cowgill

"She's so anally retentive she wouldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture." - Patsy Stone, Absolutely Fabulous

"So there I was trying to buy a pack of smokes when all of the sudden this goon comes busting through the doors with his lips blazin'. He's ranting and raving about some guy that slept with some wife of his and he's gonna kill everyone to make her pay. Clearly, everyone in the store had slept with his wife at some point, so I began to walk towards him. I glanced him a smile and held up my hands. I asked him who the guy was and he says "I dunno, but he had a big mole on his pecker." So I took open my fly and f'dunked him across the head and asked "It look like that?" Hero of the day? Nah, just a guy with an enormous penis." - Corey Gillenwater

"Cookiepuss... I will eat your soul! Wah ha ha ha ha ha!" - Satoshi, The Eater of SoulsThe Critic

"'Tis no man, 'tis a remorseless eatin' machine! Arrrrr!" - The Sea Captain, The Simpsons

"What kind of pathetic drunk do you take me for? *GASP* Someone spilled beer in this ashtray! *SLURPPP* Ahhh..." - Barney Gumble, The Simpsons

[driving a boat toward two ships moving closer together] "Are you crazy, don't go between them!" "Go between them? Are you crazy?" - Indiana Jones & Elsa Snyder, Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

"Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?" - Homer Simpson to Monty Burns

"[about Frank Sinatra] All of Frank's friend's couldn't be here tonight. Half of them couldn't find the time, and the other half are doing it!" - Milton Berle, at the Dean Martin's Celebrity Roast of Frank Sinatra

"Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him." Dave Foley as Dave Nelson, Newsradio

"I got so many lawyers lined up to see me today, you'd think I had tobacco leaking out of my breast implants." - Stephen Root as Jimmy James, Newsradio