#2 - More Vampire Survival Tactics
How to survive Vampire Hunters: 52 Survival Tactics for the Undead.

1. I will not pick off friends, family or neighbors of the Hero one at
    a time. This annoys the Hero and drives him into action. They'll
    still be there when he is dead.

2. There are thousands of sick people who want to be vampires. Why
    pick someone who doesn't?

3. The Hero will come armed with holy water, a cross and a stake. I
    will come armed with a 5.56 mm assault rifle and grenades.

4. When biting women to make them slaves, I will bite them in out-of-
    the-way locations such as the inside of the thigh, the lower part
    of the breast or other location not requiring painfully obvious
    alteration of clothing or ridiculous accessories to conceal.

5. I will equip my home with a marvelous device called a burglar
    alarm with an automatic dialer. It will be difficult for the Hero to kill
    me while under arrest for attempted breaking and entering.

6. My coffin will be concealed and will be a plain wooden box. The
    elaborate oak coffin with gold trim resting in the basement will be
    equipped with claymores designed to shred the body of anyone
    who opens it.

7. I will wear a watch and verify what time sunrise is every day.

8. The formal attire with cape will be reserved for special occasions.
    Jeans and a t-shirt will be fine for everyday wear as they are less
    noticeable.

9. I will not engage in a battle of wits with the Hero. I plan on
    killing him anyway so what's the point?

10. There will be no windows, doors, elevator shafts or air vents
    accessing my Hidden Lair that have any sort of access to the
    outside and which sunlight can be directed down using mirrors.

11. If there must be windows they will be painted over and backed
    with steel plate so the Hero will face a rude surprise when he
    throws something through it at sunrise.

12. When I take the Hero's True Love to make her my concubine and
    eternal slave I will not show her off to goad the Hero into making
    an attack. She will be tucked away in a quiet room watched over
    by my loyal servants until the Hero is dead.

13. I will not transform children. Their bodies will stay the same age
    forever while their minds grows older and they will become whiny
    and disobedient.

14. I will not use bug-eating morons as servants. Pretty females
    dressed in little French maid outfits are more visually appealing
    and can also distract the Hero.

15. While castles and mansions are traditional and have a certain
    flair, the two bedroom bungalow is less noticeable in suburbia.

16. My home will not have wooden furniture, the legs of which
    become sharp, pointed sticks at inopportune moments.

17. My home will have mirrors but they will be located in places such
    as the bathroom where I am unlikely to be at the same time as the
    Hero or his friends.

18. I will not change into a bat, scuttle up walls, fly or hypnotize
    people when there might be witnesses.

19. All my concubines will be fully aware that they are not to seduce,
    attack or even bother visitors staying in the castle unless they
    have express consent from me.

20. The blood in the refrigerator will be stored in a tomato juice
    container and there will be ordinary food in there for camouflage.

21. I will get a voice coach and change my name. "Hi, I'm Bob," is
    less suspicious than "I.......am......Dra. ....cu.....la."

22. I will not associate with vampire theatres, vampire whorehouses
    and prostitution rings, vampire bars, or vampire biker gangs. They
    attract attention.

23. I will spend no more than 10 years in any one location and when I
    move it will be somewhere distant. I will not return to a previous
    home for a minimum of 80 years. Anyone who previously knew
    me will either be dead or senile.

24. I will be able to explain porphyria and why that unfortunate
    genetic condition is the reason I cannot go out in the sun.

25. I will force myself to look concerned and not hungry when
    someone accidentally cuts himself.

26. A Kevlar vest with a ceramic trauma plate located over the heart
    is a rather trendy fashion accessory.

27. I will take seriously anyone who approaches me with a water
    pistol and a confident statement.

28. Backpacks and small bags capable of holding sharp pointed
    wooden sticks will be taken from visitors by a servant at the door.
    Anyone refusing to part with their accessories will be taken into a
    side room and shot in the knees, handcuffed and chained to the
    wall where they will provide lunch for my concubines.

29. Crossbows, spears, arrows and other antique weapons with wood
    or large blades will be banned from the castle. There is nothing
    wrong with a fine collection of rifles and handguns.

30. Before dining out with anyone, I will verify that garlic is not a
    major spice at that restaurant.

31. All servants, concubines and assorted slaves will be under strict
    orders not to show excessive devotion to me in public.

32. Servants, concubines and assorted slaves will have a zero-
    tolerance rule: one mistake and they're dead. I can always create
    more.

33. When recruiting new blood, so to speak, I will first enslave those
    who might notice odd behavior in my future concubines.
    Therefore, I take the teacher at the all-girls school first.

34. All future concubines will be screened and have complete
    background checks. Those with relatives named Van Helsing will
    be removed from consideration. The irony is not worth the risk.

35. Nothing says the Hero can't be a cripple or be suffering massive
    trauma from a shotgun blast before he becomes lunch.

36. I will not personally finish off the Hero. That is what loyal
    servants, concubines and assorted slaves are for. Besides, the
    True Love is probably tastier.

37. All future concubines will be stripped searched for rosaries,
    crucifixes and garlic before I approach them.

38. All cute but spunky kids in the community who express an
    interest in the supernatural will be identified and observed for
    sudden changes in behavior.

39. I will be an upstanding but otherwise undistinguished resident of
    my community and will make sure that I cultivate enough friends
    that I will be warned of anyone spreading malicious rumors about
    me.

40. Since it will be the last thing they would expect, I will hire a
    Mafia hit team to take out the Hero and his friends. Let's see the
    crucifix protect them from an Uzi.

41. All villagers will be encouraged to send their children to the
    schools I will secretly finance. After a few years of modern
    education they will dismiss the legends told by their grandparents,
    several of which will undoubtedly be ways to destroy me.

42. I will ignore all attempts to appeal to my former sense of
    humanity. I don't have any. That is why it is former.

43. I will remind myself that I am immortal, not indestructible.

44. All concubines will save the loose, transparent flowing silk
    dresses for special occasions. I'm a modern sort of guy so I like a
    woman in leather and Kevlar, which provides more protection so
    she lasts longer in a fight.

45. Although firearms are useless against myself and the
    concubines, they work quite effectively on the Hero and his
    friends. Therefore all concubines will be armed and taught to
    shoot. They will use hand and fang in attack only as a last resort.

46. All bodies of former meals will be destroyed in a manner which
    will make the absence of blood and bite marks impossible to
    identify.

47. I will not send bodies or parts thereof of former friends,
    relatives, mentors or lovers to the Hero in order to demonstrate
    my complete mastery over life and death.

48. I will not demonstrate knowledge inappropriate for someone of
    my apparent age.

49. I will not begin a vendetta against someone who has destroyed a
    fellow vampire that I was fond of. They have clearly demonstrated
    they have the ability to destroy me.

50. As cute as the Slayer is, there are other girls just as cute who are
    not capable of destroying me.

51. More vampires means lower prey ratio: I will carefully consider if
    I really want more of us running around.

52. All the cutlery in my house will be either stainless steel or
    plastic.  No silver. (Besides, I might accidentally cut myself.)
    But ideally, the steel will have a special surface that makes it
    *look* like silver, so the Hero will waste his time trying to stab
    me with it.

Special Thanks to Crow Williams for sending me this

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