If I ever find myself in a vampire universe:

1)  When I come across lost children after sunset, I will keep to well     lit, public places, call security or the police, and refrain from picking the little one up so it can nestle against my neck.

2)  I will avoid all vampire bars, theatres, whorehouses, strip joints, biker gangs, parties, etc.

3)  I will avoid goths.  If they are not vampires, they are at least chum for vampires--no need to be around the feeding frenzy.

4)  I will remember that BDSM in a vampire-inhabited universe is nearly always dangerous or fatal.  If I must indulge, I will consistently be on top.

5)  I will never become romantically involved with a vampire or think that I could be anything more than lunch to one.  Even if that particular creature is harmless, it could very well have immortal enemies bent on vengeance.

6)  I will never become the best friend, love interest, or relative of anyone who remotely resembles a protagonist.

7)  The interior design of my house will focus on safety.  I will find a tasteful way to incorporate braids of garlic into my window treatments, holy water into my flower arrangements, and crosses into easily grabbed objects d'art.

8)  If I meet an interesting person after dark, I will not arrange to have that person walk me home or offer to walk that person home.  I will walk home with my usual group of friends after arranging a daytime date, if possible.

9)  I will carry a small mirror as one of my accessories--on the inside of a pocket watch cover, cigarette holder, or the like--and use it to periodically, unobtrusively, check my companions and associates for a lack of reflection.

10)  Until I am certain of the rules for vampirism in my universe, I will not assume that any of the usual vampire detection or defense tricks work.

11)  I will never invite anyone into my home.  "The meeting is at my place next Wednesday night" is not the same as an invitation into the house--if anyone who shows up at the meeting has a problem getting in without a personal invite, that person can stay out.

12)  If I am grieving over the loss of a friend or loved one and that friend or loved one shows up outside my window, I will close the curtains and go back to sleep.

13)  While dark, dilapidated castles and abandoned factories have a traditional gloomy flair, I will remember that nothing is preventing a vampire from living in an unremarkable dwelling in my '50s subdivision, trendy condo building, etc.

14)  If I accidentally cut myself and my companion looks hungry, I will avoid that person's company in the future, starting mere nanoseconds after I notice the look in his or her eyes.

15)  If one of my friends suddenly starts wearing turtlenecks, high collars, or other neck-concealing clothing, we will have a talk-- in an outdoor cafe, during the daytime.

16)  If I look into somebody's eyes and feel that we have known and loved each other for all time, being drawn together again and again throughout the centuries, I will try to set a land-speed record for leaving town.

17)  I will invest heavily in cross accessories, wearing at least one cross at all times, unless I have determined that to be ineffective in my universe.

18)  All of my dinner dates will be in Italian restaurants.  I will make sure there is garlic in the sauces.

19)  I will investigate even the more obscure legends on defending oneself from vampires, including the thing with the poppy seeds.  After all, you never know.

20)  If anyone ever says "look deep into my eyes, " I'll look anywhere but there.

21)  I will avoid anyone who refers to someone else as "the Master."  This could be a vampire's minion, human servant, housekeeper, etc.  Even if it's not a minion, see the comment on BDSM, number 4.

22)  I will maintain my cell phone with a good charge.  If my car breaks down, I will stay in that garlic, holy water, and cross-protected vehicle while calling for a tow.  I will not attempt to get help at that spooky castle, farmhouse, or other dwelling I've just passed.

23)  My exterior motion-detector lights will be equipped with UV bulbs.

24)  I will keep emergency stakes everywhere I would keep an emergency flashlight--in the glove compartment, in the nightstand by the bed, at various places around the house, etc.

25)  I will keep a reasonably good small flashlight on my key chain, with fully charged batteries.  I will avoid the stumbling-around-in-the-dark-with-a-sputtering-candle thing.

26)  I will keep a freshly sharpened old-fashioned wooden pencil with me at all times.  Hey, I might even need it to write something down.

27)  I will avoid anyone displaying incredibly strength, quickness, or knowledge beyond that person's apparent age.  It might be a vampire, it might be a protagonist.  I don't want to hang out around either.

28)  Anyone who writes of someone being his "childe" or "sire" is automatically not invited to any of my parties.

29)  I will try to strike that delicate balance of looking harmless without looking helpless.

30)  I will discourage anyone I care about from wearing high heels, tractionless dress shoes, and the like.

31)  I will be extremely cautious around people whose accent sounds fake.

32)  If odd things are happening, I will vote strongly against the "let's split up into groups and investigate this" idea.

33)  I will never, ever take a shortcut through a cemetery at night.

34)  I will research the effectiveness of religious symbols against vampires, starting with the symbols of my own religion (if any).  This research will be conducted through personal interviews with survivors, etc., not firsthand experimentation.

35)  If somebody else's religion is the only one whose symbols repel vampires, and if those symbols must be wielded by a believer to be effective, I will consider conversion.

36)  If pale, beautiful women in filmy gowns appear out of nowhere and start making unexpected passes at me, I will flee.  If they are not concubines or minions of a vampire, they are probably horny goths, and I am avoiding goths. (see rule # 3)

37)  If the people with whom I am traveling are particularly anxious to set somewhere inside before sunset, I will heed their admonitions.

38)  If my companions are particularly anxious to get somewhere inside before sunrise, I will heed my apprehensions.

39)  I will make photography a hobby and be extra cautious around the excessively camera shy.  They could just be trying to hide the ten extra pounds the camera tends to add, or they could be trying to hide such flaws as not showing up on film or failing to age over time.

40)  There are a number of excellent bronzing products on the market, and I will remain aware of that fact.  I will not allow the mere presence of a tan put me off my guard.

41)  If anyone named "Van Helsing" shows up, I will take that as a very bad omen and leave town.

42)  If exceptionally obvious blood imagery shows up everywhere I turn, it could be a sign that I'm in one of *those* vampire universes, and I will move to Des Moines.

43)  I will strive to at all times avoid giving vampires entrance lines such as "There's no such thing as vampires," "It's okay, you're perfectly safe here," and "I'm pretty sure he's dead."

44)  I will attempt to avoid the company of people who give vampires entrance lines.

45)  I will strive to be unnoticeable.  The exceptional tend to end up on somebody's menu.

46)  I will keep my eyes open in case any mysterious shipments of dirt show up around my neighborhood, though I may not wish to investigate fertilize bags too closely.

47)  If my friends are dying of exsanguination, I will attempt to shove crosses and garlic into their coffins while nobody's looking, then gather as many people as I can and flee.

48)  If animals behave very strangely around my companion--either more aggressively or more subordinately--I will take that as a possible warning sign.

49)  As in any universe I inhabit, I will consider cold dignity to be a warning sign of *something*.

50)  I will endeavor to become a day person.  It should help protect me, not only from vampires but also from vampire hunters who are in too much of a hurry to confirm identification of their proper prey.