UNKNOWN ARMIES: TO GO: THE SERIES*
A series concept for Prime Time Adventures RPG.


UA: TG PtA Logo This is a game of Primetime Adventures using concepts from Atlas Games' Unknown Armies (specifically, chapter 6 of their "To Go" campaign supplement.)

It seemed a bit weird, at first, since the players were mostly new to Primetime Adventures (it was a demo game at a local hobby store.) Also, the self-referrential elements in the situation left us a bit dazed.

We were, after all, playing a roleplaying game about an imaginary TV show based on another roleplaying game. We could only sit back and pray it didn't go down the same road as the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon or Kindred: The Embraced. Fortunately, everyone seemed to have some fun in the end.

On the other hand, there were no women present, so the female supporting cast kinda got the short end of the stick. I'm not sure if standards and practices for any network, except the SNUFF channel, might have liked the way this went down...

I'm exaggerating, of course, but it was a bit harsher than the other games of Primetime I've played. Perhaps I can blame that on UA (except for the fact that this was also the harshest game of UA I've ever played.)

(*Incidentally, this was the worst working title for a Primetime Adventures game I've ever used. I should have tried to squeeze in at least one more colon.)

Premise:
A group of burger-flippers learn about a mysterious "internet prophecy" connected, somehow, to the very chain of fast food restaurants for whom they work. They begin a cross-country road trip seeking "manifestations" of this prophecy, guided by a mysterious entity who may either be a low-rent version of the Devil or the United States' own version of Merlin.

Protagonists:
TREVOR
played by Alex Hare
A recovering alcoholic who used to gain magickal power by boozing it up, TREVOR has been running from his responsibilities and his own magic for some time, now. He has sworn off magic, since it ruined his life. However, his old partner, a two-bit crook named GARY, wants him back into it (working GARY's cons, of course.)
BILLIE played by the Me (Arpie Bowman)
(originally created by a guy who went over to another table to "even out the room")
A male fashion model who is starting to channel some sort of beauty avatar he calls "the spirit of Adonis," BILLIE seeks more control over his life and this group of burger-flipping misfits
DILLON (played by Rob Who's Name I Forgot to Get)
the pop culture geek who talked the other guys into this insane road trip in the first place Dillon constantly talks about his make-beleive girlfriend, Bridget
SETH (played by John Ross)
at first, he seemed like a total loser, a wash-out from the military and a hapless tag-along it is revealed in episode 4 that he was part of a failed ninja training program in the army
(Navy Seals proved more effective)

Supporting Cast
(Production note: I used some Generic NPC Trading Cards I'd cooked up for another game so players could get a better feel of their contacts being separate entities who were not under their control. I also gave players a free bonus, equal to their screen presence, for invoking their contacts. It seemed to fit in with the law of conservation of characters quite nicely.)
GARY
TREVOR's Nemesis
Inner Life: Criminal leader who has a way with words,
he's rather petty and cruel, as it turns out
Speech Habits: Always talking about "one last job"
makes over-the-top macho gestures
BRIDGET CARTER
DILLON's (untill now) imaginary girlfriend
Inner Life: Knows deep down that she will never be strong enough to pay for all the damage she has already done
As it turns out, she has some sort of interest in stopping DEAN MATTERKOS
Speech Habits: Calls everyone "Sweetheart," "Honey," or "Sugar," through clenched teeth
KATIE
A devoted friend of DILLON's who has been pursuing him across the country.
Inner Life: Thinks DILLON is "hunky" in her own confused way,
but fears he may be gay since he always looks right through her
Speech Habits: Will not stop talking about "Hannah Dakota" (a musical group) and sometimes slips, calling them "friends" or her only friends

Producer's Guest Stars
Primary: LT. RUTGER DAN, NYPD
Inner Life: A tough, street-wise cop who gets beaten up a lot this episode
(we cheated and allowed side characters, like News Casters, to be played when "entering" a scene as LT. DAN.
Here's a hint if you're into limiting characters, like I am: always make a newscaster or other clue-giver-outer one of your available-to-all-players NPCs. I call this the mouthpeice principle. I had to use DEAN for a lot of this, but, in a pinch, it's always handy to have plot point channel WKLU on in the background... or KLUE west of the Mississippi.)
Speech Habits: Keeps being interrupted by a fist to the face
Ongoing: DEAN MATTERKOS
Inner Life: Power hungry know-it-all with almost god-like magical powers related to "the Truth" and "news" - he can use these to walk through any door and out any other one in the world where a news story is breaking
Speech Habits: always checks the earpiece in his ear (a direct link to an internet news service)
Special: FATHER STEPHAN
Inner Life: Considers himself artistic but would never sacrifice anything for his "art"
Cares about people in a defeatist kind of way
Speech Habits: uses hand gestures excessively, especially the steepled fingers "praying" one


Previously on Unknown Armies: To Go

Since this was just a store-demo one-shot, we decided to start with episode 5, which DILLON's player, Rob, had designated as his spotlight episode. (Everybody else turned down the honor.)

Since I wanted to get in a little backstory and help everyone ease into the play style, I had each player do a clip from each of the following episodes (taken from previous chapters in the original UA: TO GO supplement.) It was a little blotchy, at first, but here are the highlights:

Episode Five: Vishudda

The story opens with DILLON and SETH driving in their old Eagle Charger down fifth avenue by Central Park, discussing the most recent episode. DILLON practically worships SETH as a living "optimus prime" for leaping onto a speeding semi and rescuing the last "manifestation" of the internet prophecy.

SETH, still a little uncomfortable but happy for the praise, reminds DILLON that they have come to New York in order to track down the next manifestation, which, according to their contact, DEAN MATTERKOS, will be a policeman named LT. DAN. Presumably, following DEAN's arcane instructions, they should run into him in a few blocks and join in the next "level" of the prophecy.

At that point, a woman falls, almost from the sky and lands heavily (but not fatally) on the hood of DILLON's car. SETH stares, awestruck and DILLON smiles dizzily and shouts the praises of DEAN MATTERKOS, God's Messenger on Earth.

DILLON explains to SETH that the falling girl is his girlfriend, BRIDGET CARTER, whom he had asked DEAN MATTERKOS to send to him. SETH expresses the opinion that he'd always beleived BRIDGET was imaginary and that this woman could be anyone.

The woman does, indeed, turn out to be BRIDGET CARTER and she demands to be taken to a hospital. She says she doesn't know how she got there, but that she was in Omaha a minute ago.

DILLON and SETH pull it together enough to get her into the car, but DILLON insists on talking excitedly to BRIDGET while he drives. He ends up veering into the Park and somehow crashing in a pond.

ROLL INTRO
(During the opening credits, we see TREVOR wake up in the back of the car and pound on the back window as it sinks.)

After the commercial, SETH explains to a soaking-wet TREVOR about DILLON's imaginary girlfriend falling out of the sky onto the roof of their car. TREVOR can't beleive it and expresses anger about being left in the back of the car to "drown." He's still spluttering when they catch a news report on television.

LT. RUTGER DAN has just been taken hostage by a drug-addled psychopath. The alleged psychopath has demand approximately 300 pounds of cooked, prepared hamburger's from Mac's Steak House to be delivered to the warehouse where he has taken the beleagured cop. If the bizarre demands are not met by midnight, the kidnapper or kidnappers have threatened to kill the twice-decorated officer.

SETH and TREVOR immediately recognize this as the prophecy and SETH says he'd better go get a burger. Confused, TREVOR demands to know why SETH would leave at a time like this, especially when he witnessed SETH's incredible ninja skills "during that truck chase." (A reference to the last episode.)

SETH refuses to answer, but, before he can leave, he gets a text message from DILLON demanding that SETH explain to TREVOR that BRIDGET is DILLON's girlfriend. Again. SETH refuses to answer it and, while TREVOR tries to confront SETH about running out like this, DILLON enters from another ward and demands, in person, that SETH tell TREVOR about the reality of his imagined girlfriend. SETH storms out.

The then camera shows the TV NEWS REPORTER making an announcement that a few hours have passed in the tense stand-off between police and the unknown assailants holding LT. RUTGER DAN for hostage. The REPORTER mentions that the call has gone out from many community leaders to supply the bizarre demands of the deranged kidnapper.

As she speaks, TREVOR pulls up to the police line in a golf cart with three little red wagons in tow, each of them heaping full of fresh-grilled hamburgers (flies swarm around them.)

DEAN MATTERKOS is waiting at the police line when TREVOR pulls up. MATTERKOS immediately demands an explanation. He warns TREVOR that, if LT. DAN dies, it could unravel the prophecy and, with it, the world. TREVOR just looks disgusted as the scene flashes back to SETH, madly frying hundreds of burgers on an enormous grill (surrounded by volunteers from a local cathedral.)

DEAN MATTERKOS angrily points out that the kidnappers, whoever they are, probably know about the internet prophecy and may be working to overthrow it. TREVOR mutters that he's not as trusting as DILLON and he still isn't satisfied with DEAN's story.

As they talk, TREVOR's old nemesis, GARY, looms out of the crowd. TREVOR groans and GARY tells TREVOR that this is his last chance. GARY wants TREVOR's magic working for him again and insists that he will win, in the end.

GARY grabs one of the burgers and demands that TREVOR should be working for him, not MATTERKOS and he throws a burger backwards over his shoulder. TREVOR dives for it in slow motion.

Meanwhile, back at the hospital, BILLIE explains that BRIDGET is okay. She has a few broken ribs and a fractured leg, but she'll be fine. She's asking for DILLON. BILLIE asks that DILLON hurry up so that they can deal with the emerging crisis with LT. DAN.

DILLON enters BRIDGET's hospital room. He crammed so many flowers into the room that there's practically no room for the bed. BRIDGET seems to only vaguely know him, but DILLON fills in all the information in an extremely creepy fashion. He insists they've been boy and girlfriend for a long time and BRIDGET, barely hiding her fear and revulsion, pretends that the man she's talking to is not obviously insane. She tries to humor him.

She also explains that she has a mission concerning DEAN MATTERKOS, but DILLON is so insistent and so creepy that she hedges her information. She treats DILLON as if he is dangerously insane kind of cultist. She probes the nature of his relationship with DEAN MATTERKOS, explaining that DEAN may not have told DILLON the whole truth.

DILLON blithely insists that DEAN is practically the second coming and he insists that he, DILLON, is on a holy mission, a warrior for the almighty lead by the Prophet of the Message (that would be DEAN.) Becoming nervous, BRIDGET asks DILLON to leave for a little bit, very specifically asking him to return at midnight (when the kidnappers have threatened to kill LT. DAN.)

Meanwhile, SETH continues to cook frantically. When FATHER STEPHAN, who is organizing the "Save LT. DAN" cook-off tells him they have enough, SETH refuses to stop, saying that he's sure they'll need extras. FATHER STEPHAN shrugs and leaves him to it.

Back at the police line surrounding the warehouse, TREVOR stands triumphantly with the rescued hamburger in his hand. DEAN angrily leaves in search of DILLON, who has "seen my power." TREVOR doesn't care. He's happy to have proven he can be trusted with responsibility.

Enraged, GARY pushes over the other three little red wagons full of burgers and stamps them into the ground. TREVOR screams in rage and defeat as GARY snarls in petty triumph and runs from the shocked crowd of onlookers. He hisses like a vampire once at FATHER STEPHAN as he passes, just for good measure.

Back at the hospital, BILLIE confronts DILLON about DEAN MATTERKOS. He agrees with BRIDGET that DEAN may not be all he seems. DILLON refuses to listen and calls BILLIE an unbeleiver.

DILLON heads into the chapel and grabs some holy water from the vestuble. He goes into the back and grabs the priestly vestments and puts them on in a scene of fevered reverence, as if proclaiming himself high priest of DEAN. He stands in radiant self-absorption before a grimy office window (one of those dappled kind that barely let in any light) inside of a storage closet that looks vaguely like a chapel lined with well-wishers (and mops.)

Cut to another scene of SETH finishing his 500th hamburger. He sets it on one of two enormous serving plates just piled HIGH with steaming greasy goodness. The clock shows that it's less than an hour to midnight.

Pull back from the clock to show TREVOR, still standing in shocked horror and utter defeat in the midst of the spilled, ruined burgers. Although bystanders like FATHER STEPHEN try to console him, frustration and rage overcome him and he hurls the last burger into a mud-filled pot-hole screaming "Dammit!"

Up an alley a little ways away, GARY makes a bizarre, testosterone-heavy gesture that TREVOR may-or-may-not be able to see and snarls "Powned."

Just then, SETH comes running down the alley with two trays full of replacement burgers. His toned ninja body strains under the heavy trays. GARY, clearly on some kind of fiendish roll, hurls the lid of a trashcan at SETH. Although SETH performs some impressive ninja tricks, you can just only do so much under nearly 100 pounds of fast food grease.

GARY does another jerkwad hiss and vanishes into the shadows as the trays come crashing down. SETH arises, frustrated and filled with bloodlust. He rushes into the building, flipping, dodging and slipping past the confounded cops while screaming "I'm a ninja! A ninja! NIIIIINJAAAAA!"

TREVOR just stands there, utterly defeated.

There's a wide, slow shot of the devastation. Ruined hamburgers lay strewn across the wet pavement, blue police lights illuminating them in strobe-like flashes. Striding over them with grim determination, BILLIE comes, pushing a whole shopping trolley full of booze.

He demands that TREVOR drink and tries to put things into perspective. SETH is about to get himself killed and, evil plan or not, a police officer is about to die.

"Do some goddamn magick!" BILLIE cries.

It's almost midnight. DILLON enters BRIDGET's hospital room in full priestly vestments. He tells her he's off on his holy mission, right after their first date. BRIDGET seems somewhat horrified and begins trying to administer herself morphine.

At that point, KATIE, who has been pursuing DILLON (for the last few episodes), walks in on them. She makes a rather lame excuse about being here for a "friend's wedding." She looks at the vestments and recognizes them as FATHER STEPHAN's, who she knew as a child (but actually recognizes from the TV footage.)

DILLON excitedly introduces KATIE to BRIGET, who half-doped, agrees that she's DILLON's girlfriend. KATIE forces herself to say how "nice" that is, although she is clearly shocked (and heartbroken) that DILLON has a real girlfriend (she, too, obviously beleived otherwise.)

While DILLON exhorts them about the righteousness of his cause, FATHER STEPHAN shows up, heartbroken over the sensless act of cruelty that GARY has perpetrated (and the upcoming murder of LT. DAN.) He is shocked to see DILLON wearing his clothes.

As FATHER STEPHAN and KATIE try to talk DILLON back to his senses, KATIE helpfully mentions other insane things that DILLON has beleived in the past when his dogma got tangled. They really aren't making any progress anyway when DEAN MATTERKOS steps out of the shadows. He seems to have materialized from nowhere.

DEAN MATTERKOS exhorts DILLON to follow him while the terrfied KATIE recognizes nothing but evil magic in DEAN. FATHER STEPHAN immediately sees a servant of darkness in DEAN and all but panics.

But DEAN extends a hand and tells DILLON, "come with me, my son."

DILLON yanks a large crucifix from his shirt and clotheslines FATHER STEPHAN with it.

DILLON takes DEAN MATTERKOS' hand and steps through the door, closing it behind him. As it swings slowly open again, the brightly-lit hallway beyond is instantly empty and a single locust crawls over the threshold.

Back at the warehouse, SETH surges through the corridors, followed closely by the shouting police. TREVOR walks up the steps, humming with mystic power and followed by something that hops and gushes like a hundred deformed, slightly messy toads. The police recoil in horror as frost forms on the walls and the shadows twist as if the scene was shot with a fish-eye lens (ahem.)

DEAN and DILLON step out of an obviously unused door and stop SETH. SETH declares that he doesn't care what happens, he's ending this insane prophecy NOW! SETH plans to kill everyone with his mad ninja skills.

DEAN hands DILLON a gun and says that it's enchanted to never miss it's target. DILLON fumbles the gun and it goes off, hitting the ceiling. DILLON pulls the large crucifix out again and hurls it at SETH. It bounces of SETH's funny bone.

SETH's rage turns immediately on DILLON and MATTERKOS. He rushes both of them while DEAN freaks out about the gun. SETH grabs both of them by the throats and all three tumble backwards out a window. In the process, DILLON's cup of holy water spills all over DEAN.

TREVOR watches them go. He takes another deep drink of Glen Livit and his eyes blacken over, as if his soul has drowned in gin. He continues walking ominously up the hallway, surrounded by disturbing sound effects and the hoppy-sloshy noise.

Down the hall, inside a nearly empty room (you never quite see the kidnappers), a beaten-up LT. DAN sits tied to a chair. The camera focuses on the battered old door leading into the room and the walls begin to seep a disgusting liquid with chunks in it that might be anything. The door seems to get larger while the walls flee away from it (fisheye again.)

It slams open and a besotted TREVOR strides in. LT. DAN begins to scream (as do the unseen kidnappers behind him) and something flops into the room. It's a soggy hamburger.

In the loading dock behind the warehouse, DEAN, DILLON and SETH crash into a trailer full of "happy meal toys." DILLON lands uncomfortably on a promotional barbie doll. SETH pounds mercilessly on DEAN. The water from the McDonalds cup mixes with the blood from the welts SETH's fists are raising. SETH is literally beating some sense into DILLON (and out of DEAN.)

DILLON, dazed and trying to pull the barbie out of its unfortunate purchase, sees DEAN. DEAN looks as if the Holy Water from the cup is burning his flesh (but it's really just the beating he's gotten.) In addition, DEAN lies in a heap of barbie dolls.

For a moment, we see a flashback of DILLON, as a child, gazing at a painting of hell where someone is being pulled down by a pile of people much like the pile of toys before him.

Horrified, DILLON tenatively tosses the cross at DEAN. It lands heavily on DEAN's ear.

Already battered and confused, DEAN screams in rage and rolls away. He falls out the back of the trailer, like a demon tumbling into the pit, and lands heavily on his own keys.

DILLON crawls over to the edge of the trailer and looks down. There's nothing out there but a ring of tumbled Barbies and a crushed McDonald's cup.

"That's not holy at all," he mutters, in shock.

The scene fades and we rejoin our heroes sometime later. They're driving down the interstate away from New York. DILLON is battered and bruised. SETH is battered and sulks in the seat next to him, staring out the window and not saying anything. In the back seat (still showing signs of water damage on the upholstery) BILLIE puts womens' make-up on TREVOR (who is obviously recovering from a near-fatal hangover.)

DILLON looks back and says "You know, he looks kind of pretty like that."

BILLIE adds that he doesn't smell as bad now, either.

The car drives off and we see the interior of the back hatch, where BRIDGET lies trussed up and desperately working to free herself from her bonds.

Roll End Credits
You know, one of these days, I should spell check these pages.

On the one hand, I want people to enjoy this stuff. On the other hand, I'm not gettin' paid for it, either (and, these days, getting paid has become very important to me.) So, here's the compromise:
If you're upset by the various typos and inconsistencies in this, I understand your anger and frustration. All it would cost me is a little time, right? Well, as a matter of fact, I've barely got the time to post this drivel. So, if you write me an email with your comments, I'll make some time to answer it... but it probably will contain spelling errors as well.
Contact Arpie or Harbone at yokeltania@yahoo.com.
If you want me to send YOU money, I'll just start ignoring you right now.