on 11.14.2001:

at 6:54 PM

im so tired of this. yeah yeah its just pot but i dont care. idk what to do. i dont have the strength. he doesnt understand this concept...i do NOT have the strength in my body or my heart to take this. i cant argue with him about it, i cant tell him to stop and listen to him complain about it, i cant use my strength and my tears to care about it only to have to use even more of me to cry and fight with him. i cant do it!! he doesnt understand that im very weak right now. thats how much stress i've been given. all the stress and pain and fighting and everything i've done this past year...with all my friends and ex bf's and bf's and...its just too much and its now coming back to get me. its all paying off now. my body is so weak, i cant cry over anything, im so exhausted now all the time, no matter how much sleep i get, i use so much energy now and i dont even do barely anything, it exhausts me. thats how weak i am. i cant take it. i love him so much but i cant take another heartbreak. thats what is gonna happen. if he doesnt stop putting me thru this, i'll have to let him go. i wont be able to take the pain. wondering why hes 2 hrs late calling me and if hes ok, where hes at, what hes doing. whether hes alive or not. thats how i worry about him. maybe people think thats crazy but they dont know him or his friends. if they knew them, they would understand why i worry like that. im trying. im really trying with him. i sleep all the time now, the only time i eat is when i come home and then i go to sleep after that, i dont eat dinner, i dont eat breakfast and i dont eat lunch. i just snack when i come home and thats it. i get so weak, that i start shaking uncontrollably and then i get cold on top of that. i had to use my inhaler last night because my chest was so weak, my lungs were hurting so bad and i had to use it, i couldnt breathe. i could barely move until i took my inhaler. right now, im tired and i just woke up an hr ago. my stomach feels empty but i dont feel hungry. i had a horrible headache all day. i miss him. i need him right now. he doesnt get this. he told me he realized now how important i was to him and i would definately come first now. but hes still being the same. he still blows me off to go with his friends, to smoke pot, to "hang out" and its not fair. he never has time to have a conversation with me anymore cause johnny never leaves his side. he was supposed to call me when johnny left. jamie left with johnny. he doesnt care enuf. i want him to realize how important i really am to him. i want him to experience something that would make him see that there might come a day when im not there. he doesnt see that. hes off with them right now smoking and having fun joking around with them. im sitting here worrying about him and crying over him. he gets mad at ME because i want him to quit smoking pot. tell me if that makes sense!!! he gets mad when people call him stupid and tell him hes burnt out. hes getting burnt out!!!! he is getting stupid!!! the fact that i give a damn and want him to quit pisses him off. but when i dont care, it pisses him off. last time i broke up with him, he didnt even ask me to come back. that makes me wonder. was he going to before i did or would he even have if i hadnt? does the fact that he could lose me at any given moment mean anything to him? more tears....i have more tears going down my cheeks.
~ edrica - - - > Comment