GREAT IRISH AIR DISASTER
Yesterday A two seater PIPER CHEROKEE crashed into the Dublin Cemetary
The Irish Search & Rescue Service have so far retrieved 247 bodies
But expect the toll to be much higher
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An Aussie tourist arrived in New Zealand, hired a car and set off for the wilderness.
On his way he saw a bloke having sex with a sheep.
Deeply horrified, he pulled up at the nearest pub and ordered a straight Scotch.
Just as he was about to throw it back, he saw a one legged man masturbating furiously at the bar.
"God!" the bloke cried, "what the heck is going on here?
I've been here one hour and I've seen a bloke banging a sheep,and now some bloke's spanking himself in the bar!"
"Fair go, mate," the bartender told him,
"you can't expect a man with one leg to catch a sheep."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two Australians boarded a flight out of Sydney after a rugby game.
One sat in the window seat and the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a New Zealander got on and took the aisle seat.
After take-off, the Kiwi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling
in when the Aussie in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."
"No problem," said the Kiwi, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone,
one of the Aussie's picked up the Kiwi's shoe and spat in it.
When he returned with the beer, the other Aussie said, "That looks good, I think
I'll have one too."
Again, the Kiwi obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone,
the other Aussie picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
When the Kiwi returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Kiwi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew
immediately what had happened.
"Why does it have to be this way?" he asked.
"How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations?
This Hatred, This animosity? This spitting in shoes, and pissing in beers?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Olaf died in a fire and his body was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone
to I.D. the body.
So they called up his two friends, Swen and Lars, to come and try to I.D. the body.
Swen went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet, and Swen said
"Yaa, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over."
So the mortician rolled him over, and Swen looked at his ass and said "No, dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician didn't say anything, but thought that was kind of strange.
Then he brought in Lars to I.D. the body, and Lars looked at him and said
"Yaa, he's burnt real bad; roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Lars looked down at his ass and said
"No, dat ain't Olaf."
The mortician said "How can you tell?"
Lars said "Well, Olaf had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.
"Yaa, everyone in town knew he had two assholes.
Every time the three of us went to town, everyone would say
"Here comes Olaf with them two assholes!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q...Why do New Zealand Maori's traditionally wear grass skirts instead of trousers?
A...Because Sheep can hear a zipper opening from a mile away!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Two male Sperm were swimming along vigorously, striving to reach their destiny.
One sperm turned to the other and asked "Excuse me mate, how much further to the egg?".
The other sperm said "Turn it up mate, we have got a long way to go yet, we have only just passed the Tonsils.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bob the builder was going through a house he had just built with the woman who owned it.
She was telling him what colour to paint each room.
They went into the first room and she said "I want this room to be painted a light blue."
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be bright red.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When he went back into the house, she told him that the next room was to be tan.
The builder went to the front door and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
When came back, the lady was pretty curious, so she asked him "I keep telling you colours,
but you go out the front and yell "Green side up".
What is that for?
The builder said, "Oh don't worry about that, I've got a couple of Kiwi Maori's laying down the turf out front."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell which by mistake happened to end up in a man's head.
She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet. "Hello?" she cried, but no answer.
"Is there anyone here?" she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled at the top of her voice
"HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?" Then she heard a very faint voice from far, far away..."We're all down here!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a man's
penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the US published the study, France decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
New Zealand, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland, to keep, tradition going,
everyone got pissed and the bride's and grooms family have a storming row
and start wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other,
the Police get called in to break up the fight.
The following week, all members of both families appear in court.
The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer,
shouting " Silence in Court "
The court room goes silent and Paddy
'Judge.. I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.
The Judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand.
Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that is traditional in a Cavan wedding
that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride.
The Judge say's" OK".
Well, said Paddy, after I had finished the first dance,
the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song,
and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song
when all of a sudden the Groom leapt over the table,
ran towards us and gave the Bride and unmerciful kick in her privates.
The Judge instantly responded, " God.. that must have hurt !!!"
Paddy replies "HURT !......he broke three of my bloody fingers"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp
, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby
or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice
"I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a ph***!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After a Shipwreck, there where only 3 survivors: 2 guys and a girl
They lived there for a couple of years doing what was natural for men and women to do.
After several years of casual sex all the time, the girl felt really bad about what she had been doing
She felt having sex with both guys was so bad that she killed herself.
It was very tragic but the two guys managed to get through it,
and after a while nature once more took it's inevitable course
Well, a couple more years went by and the guys began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing
So...they buried her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A study in Scotland showed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive
can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.
For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features.
Whereas, if she is menstruating, she is more likely to be attracted to a man with scissors shoved in his temple.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life,
she will choose to save the infant without even considering if there are men on any of the bases."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said,"I believe it is the process of "Thought", it comes out in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot,"but I think "Blinking" is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough, " quipped the Welshman.
"I am sure "Electricity" is faster; just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"
After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think "Diarrhoea" wins!"
"What the hell are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.
"Well it is like this.
Last night I went down to the local curry house for a plate of vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness,
I then retired to bed. However at 3 o'clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn on the light, I shat myself
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A teacher asks her class to use the word "Contagious".
Roland the class swot gets up and says "last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."
"Well done" says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"
Katie, a sweet little girl in pigtails says "my Grandma says there's a bug going around and it's contagious".
"Well done " says the teacher "Anyone else?"
Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Irish voice,"our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush and my dad says it will take the contagious.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No".
After all the nagging, he finally agrees and says, "OK".
Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks, "Dad, what's Love,Juice?"
Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, he proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all.
Johnny now sits on sofa with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"
Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Poor Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.
She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy had been out for a walk in the country with his mum.
On arriving home his dad asks him if he had seen anything nice on his walk.
I saw some horseys said the son.
They are not horseys, they are horses replied the father,ive told you to speak properly.
See anything else asked the father.
We saw some moo cows said the son.
They are not moo cows said the father,they are cows,speak properly.
Sorry dad said the son.
Then what did you do asked the father.
We came home and read a book the son replied
Oh,what was it called asked the dad.
Winnie the shit replied the son.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly couple had been dating for some time.
Finally they decided it was time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.
"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently."
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked, . . . "Was that one or two words?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.
The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." Boom, he was dead instantly.
Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)
Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."
They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing.
The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots,"
So the guards did.
Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"
The Irishman replied, "You guys are so stupid.....I'm wearing a condom!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage,a young husband decided to solve both problems
by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went by the name of "Artie."
Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000.
The husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect
on his wife's life insurance money.
Artie insisted on being paid something up front.
The man opened up his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.
A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store.
There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands.
As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor
the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene.
Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind,
Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.
Unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by hidden camera and observed by the store's security guard,
who immediately called the police.
Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.
Under intense questioning at the police station,
Artie revealed the sordid plan including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.
(scroll down)
DRUM ROLL
(PAUSE)
And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared:
[You're going to hate me for this]:
*
*
*
*
*
ARTIE-CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT SAFEWAY
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks
while holding pill in right hand.
As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth, allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind the sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap. Cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.
Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from on top of wardrobe.
Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws ignore low growls emitted by cat.
Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.
Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap.
Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.
Carefully sweep shattered Doulton figures from the hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans.
Drink glass of water to take taste away.
Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.
Get another pill, place cat in cupboard and close door on neck to leave head showing.
Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges.................
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot
Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
(12 Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree, across the road.
Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13) Tie cat's front paws to the rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table,
find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, force cat's mouth with small spanner.
Push pill into mouth, followed by large piece of filet steak.
Hold head vertically and pour pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm
and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Call furniture shop on way home to order new table
15) Leave cat at Vet's for the entire course of treatments
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE MAGPIE STORY
I have "owned" cats for the bulk of my life - as a child, and then subsequently as a husband,
and there must be only one overriding impression of their fluffy little species:
Cats are obscenely violent little animals.
Your idea of gentle harmless fun may be a game of Monopoly, or perhaps Nintendo.
Or maybe even nude 'Twister' with your local firemen and their hose greasing machine.
But your fluffy buddy is plotting other things while he purrs in your ear.
He is banking on a night of singing, outdoor sex, killing things after toying with them for half an hour,
then coming home and nudging you away from the fire.
Even Josef Mengele didn't have the arrogance to come home from his butchery and lie on the
oriental rug with his legs in the air.
Anyone who has had a cat that has access to the Outside, will have suffered from what I am about to describe.
Coming downstairs in the morning to find your living room looking like the bloody climax to a Martin Scorcese movie
where one Italian has said to another "Your mamma - she smella like a dog log."
There is very little else worse than greedily tucking into your bowl of cornflakes, then spotting mouse entrails smeared
up your collection of horse brasses, half an ear on your TV remote, and a rat's ballbag on the pouffe.
I have woken up to find all manner of God's creatures in my house following my installation of a cat flap.
Mice, bats, shrews, small birds, frogs, toads and a very pugnacious squirrel have all shat in terror on my Berber carpet.
But it was the magpie that caused the most spectacular incident.
And it chose to happen on one of the worst possible days of the month. My wife wasn't in the best of moods that morning.
She was suffering from one of the deeper switchbacks in the bizarre rollercoaster of woman's lunar cycle.
It was one of those few days in the month when she could have terrified even the mighty Ghengis Khan into picking up
his underpants and putting them in the dirty washing basket.
I had already been threatened with having my plums seen to with a cheese grater for the grievous offence of starting a new tube
of toothpaste whilst there was still some left in the old one. After I had painstakingly explained that the other toothpaste
caused my tongue to swell up - making every word I said sound like "Wob" -
I was answered with "You're a bastard and so are all your friends."
It's worth digressing for a moment to consider this phenomenon.
It is only just for that short window in the month that Man can participate in dialogues like:
"What's the matter?"
"NOTHING."
"Oh, what is it,darling?"
"Nothing. It's just that boo hoo sob sob sob."
"Hey - don't cry...come here."
"FUCK OFF. Leave me alone."
"Tell me what's the matter, please."
"You don't understand. You never understand - just GET OUT and leave me alone."
"Ok, ok, I'll go for a beer with Anthony. Can you pass me the 'pho-..."
"You would as well, wouldn't you, you bastard? My mother was right....."
Following that would be the long conversation to the mother,
who would inevitably come round and look at me over the top of her glasses, obviously thinking
"I know what you do to my daughter. Her father did it to me once. There was a funny smell and a lot of washing."
The first I heard of the magpie incident was when I was in the shower.
Being a British shower, it was dribbling a woeful trickle of tepid water slower than an infected nostril,
and I had to wriggle about a bit to get the flow to cover my body.
I was currently concentrating on warming my back, having budgeted for my nipples temporarily turning into hat pegs,
and my once proud set of parts shrivelling to those of an aging bulldog.
I heard a noise from downstairs.
"Matthew! Matthew!"
Thinking it was only that another bottle of my home-brew had exploded because of cheerfully over-confident sugar usage,
I didn't rush.
"Matthew! Help!"
Now that sounded urgent. I recognised that voice. It was the voice normally reserved for a muffled
"Oh God I swear I put toilet paper on that shopping list and this magazine hurts."
I turned off the shower, and put on my bath robe.
As I ran downstairs, I was surprised to see my two cats come hurtling into the hallway, terror written across their faces.
My wife's voice was coming from the kitchen, so I opened the door and went in.
Oh dear, oh dear. The kitchen looked like it had played host to an energetic Rolling Stones party
where each member of the band had brought along their pet Tasmanian Devil.
The room was destroyed. Upturned plant pots, bin on its side, pans everywhere and a stack of clean,
ironed washing strewn over the floor making friends with the plant pot compost.
And standing on the fridge-freezer, head cockily on one side, was the most impressive magpie that has ever lived.
Magpie is, by his very nature, an arrogant bird, and this fellow was no exception.
From the vicious curve of his beak to the jaunty angle of his black & white tail feathers, this chap meant business.
All of a sudden I understood the whole situation. Working as a pair, the cats had thought they'd have him.
Temporarily stunned by a double furry onslaught, the bird had allowed himself to be dragged into the kitchen via the cat flap.
But then he'd woken up with a headache, in a bad mood and bursting to go to the toilet
(If he'd had a proud but useless erection as well, then I would have accepted that human males share 90% of bird DNA).
And so the fight had begun. The cats really had no chance. The damn thing looked like a nasty from a "Sinbad" movie.
The only difference being that Ray Harryhausen never had the guts to animate the things that this monster did.
Unless I'm mistaken, the line "Unsheath your sabre, Jason - he's shitting on the microwave!" was not in any "Sinbad" film.
Now, I had a problem. How could I tackle him? It was 8am, I was tired, and the last thing I wanted was a magpie
having an energetic squawk in my bathrobe.
I decided to go into the front room for a moment to think about it.
My wife was already there. But magpie had been there before her.
I looked at the state of the room, and was horrified when I saw the disruption on the table.
"Look at the sofa" my wife sobbed, pointing at spots of magpie lime. "Never mind the fucking sofa,"
I shouted, pointing at the table, "I was a cockhair away from finishing that jigsaw!"
"Those stains on that fabric will never come out even with those banned cleaning chemicals I had to buy for your athletic support!"
"Two thousand pieces and all I needed was that postman's foot!" We looked at each other decided to take our anger out on the magpie instead. I strode manfully into the kitchen, and opened the back door.
Then I picked up the mop and swung it at the bird.
"Get...out...you...black & white BUGGER!"
This seemed to have the desired effect. He didn't like that at all. He gave me a look that said "I've had your cats, matey, and you're next".
A very violent two minutes followed with a lot of flapping and swearing.
Whilst this was going on, my wife, normally a quiet demure woman, donned one solitary boot so she could hoof our bemused tabby around the hall.
At last I got the bird near the back door. I was a wreck. My hair had been flapped up so much I looked like a chicken.
I was unshaven, my bathrobe was hanging open, I had a violent gleam in my eye, and a mop in my hands.
The bird saw he was beaten.
With a defiant squawk and a flap, he swooped out of the back door.
Riding the victory I chased him out, whooping and shouting,
"Get off my property you feathery fucker!"... "Oh shit, no sorry not you, oh it's dangling out isn't it?"
Mormons choose ridiculous times to call.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE ULTIMATE IN BAD PLANNING
This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
Dear Sir:
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form.
I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident.
You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley,
which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.
Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks.
You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.
Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed.
This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3 of the accident reporting form.
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were
two knuckles deep into the pulley, which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence.
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope,
in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginningto experience.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground, and the bottom fell out of the barrel.
Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
I refer you again to my weight.
As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.
This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly.
The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries
when I fell into the pile of bricks, fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
I am sorry to report, however.
As I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me,
I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE OFFICE PARTY
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols...feel free to sing along.
And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees!
A special announcement will be made by our CEO at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 2
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party."
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be anonymous anymore.
How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money
and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.
NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan,
which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim
employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal
until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it
home in little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet
and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men,
each will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar" desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
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FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All #%&$ing Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@%
Vegetarians?!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!!
We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the
table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too.
They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drink and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
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FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Happy Holidays!
Yebba-Da, Yebba-Da, Yebba-Da,.... THATS ALL FOLKS !!!
