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VERY RHUDE RHYMES
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I sat next to my grannie at tea It was just as I thought it would be Her rumblings abdominal Were something phenomenal And everyone thought it was me
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A young lad called Jonathan Newton Once fell asleep on a futon He woke in the night In a terrible fright And discovered he still had a boot on
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Now Ellie who doesn't like wasps Was stung on the nose by a bee When asked, "Does it hurt?" She replied, "No it doesn't" But I'm glad that it wasn't a spider
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Despite his impressive physique Young Mathew was really quite meek If a mouse showed its head He would jump into bed With a terrible blood-curdling shriek
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I'd rather have fingers than toes I'd rather have ears than a nose And as for my hair I'm glad it's still there I'll be awfully sad when it goes
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A lady while dining at Crewe Found a rather large mouse in her stew Said the waiter don't shout And wave it about Or the others will all want one too
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There was a young lady of Eton Whose figure had plenty of meat on She said, "Marry me Jack And you'll find that my back Is a nice place to warm your cold feet on"
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There was a daft gardener from Leeds Who swallowed six packets of seeds In a month the poor ass Was covered with grass And he couldn't sit down for the weeds
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A fly and a flee in a flue Were imprisoned so what could they do? Said the fly let us flee Said the flea let us fly So they flew through a hole in the flue.
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There once was a fisher called Fisher Who fished for some fish in a fissure Till a fish with a grin Pulled the fisherman in Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher
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A wonderful bird is the pelican Whose beak can hold more than its bellican It can take in its beak Enough food for a week And I'm darned if I know how the hellican
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There was a young lady of Twickenham Whose boots were too tight to walk quickenham She wore them in style But after a while She pulled them both off and was sickenham
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There was a young man of Antigua Whose wife said to him, "What a pigua!" He replied, "Oh my queen Is it manners you mean Or do you refer to my figua?"
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An expert young lady on skis Went out with a boy who said, "Plis On the next precipice Will you give me a kice?" She said, "Quick before somebody sis!"
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There was a young lady of Tottenham Her manners, well she had forgottenham While at tea at the vicar's She took of her knickers And said that she felt much too hottenham
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An odd looking girl from Devizes Had ears that were two different sizes One was so small It was no use at all But the other won several prizes
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There was a fat lady of Clyde Whose shoelaces once came untied She feared that to bend Would display her rear end So she cried and she cried and she cried
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A tight fisted fellow from Shoreham Made trousers from paper and woreham He looked nice and neat Till he bent in the street To pick up a pound, then he toreham
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There was a young man form Calcutta Who had an unfortunate stutter "I would like," he once said "Some b-b-b-bread And b-b-b-b-b-b-butter."
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There was a young man named Calquoun Who kept as a pet a babquoun His mother said, "Cholmondley I don't think it's quite colmondeley To feed your babquoun with a spquoun
Calquoun is pronounced cahoon and Cholomondley is pronounced chumley
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There was a young lady named Wemyss Who it semyss was afflicted by dremyss She would wake in the night And in terrible fright Shake the bemyss of her room with her scremyss
Wemys is pronounced Weems
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There once lived a certain Miss Gail, Who turned most exceedingly pale When a mouse climbed her leg (Don't repeat this I beg) A splinter got caught in its tail
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There was a young lady of Harwich Whose behaviour was bad at her marwich She proceeded on skates To the parish church gates While her friends followed on in a carwich
Harwich is pronounced harridge
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There was a young fellow called Cole Whose notions were terribly droll He got himself stewed And he posed in the nude On the top of a telegraph pole
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There was a young lady of Thrace Whose nose spread all over her face She had very few kisses The reason for this is There wasn't a suitable place
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There once was a baby from Dore Whose mother had found it a bore And being afraid That it might be mislaid She stowed it away in a drawer
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There was a young lady from Bude Who did something terribly rude ***************** ETC
(How about finishing this one yourselves? Not too naughty now!
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