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Creative Uses For Dead Inner Tubes
Scenario #1 (Spoke Replacement)
You're 20 miles back in and the light is failing. You've toasted both your front tube and your spare. On you last tube blowout, you broke several spokes on your front wheel. What do you do?Quickly cut thin strips out of both tubes. Using the strips as spokes, lace your front wheel back up and true it by jumping up and down on it in a mad fit of rage (it helps if you have flecks of foam at the sides of your mouth while doing this). Stuff anything you can find (grass-twigs-jerseys) into your tire in place of the tube, release your front brake (you need to get back quickly don't you?) and ride home.
Remember: "Kids, don't try this at home. This trail repair performed by professional riders."
Scenario #2 (Trailside Meal)
You're riding buddy (I wonder if he's any relation to Jim "the Animal") has rousted you out of bed on a Sunday morning for what he describes as some "sweet singletrack" riding. Mumbling something to your significant other about being back in a couple of hours, you grab your gear, hop on your bike and groggily follow your buddy into the hills. [Fast Forward] It's now 4:00 in the afternoon and your buddy [Let's call him Clifton but feel free to insert the name of your riding partner] shows no sign of knowing where the hell he is. The sun is sinking fast (otherwise known as PITCH BLACK DARK) and it looks like you'll be spending the night out. Rummaging through your gear, you start looking for some grub. Which you forgot to pack. (As Clifton got you up to go riding, you were still dreaming about that new Cannondale "Raven" that the LBS just got in) Nothing, nada, zip. Not one darn thing to eat. Don't despair though. Here's what you do.
You'll be making a nice stew for you're meal tonight. First put some water on to boil. Didn't bring any matches? Don't worry. Get your kindling together and arrange it in a Smokey Bear approved fire pit. Using your knife, scrape some shavings off the fork legs of Clifton's MAG 21 (after all he's the one who took you on this bleeping epic ride) into a pile under the kindling and strike a spark off the tubes of Clifton's bike to start the magnesium shavings burning (don't worry about the dents that seem to appear as if by magic on the bike frame. The dents add to the character of the bike).
Now for the ingredients of your meal (I bet you thought I'd never get to inner tubes). Take your dead inner tube (the one you punctured when Clifton led you through that patch of thorns 20 miles back) and cut it into thin strips no more than 1/4" wide. Don't waste the Slime from the tube! You'll need that later. Toss the strips in the boiling water along with the pound of flesh that you took out of Clifton's hide for getting you both lost (Remember to tenderize the flesh first). Since you need to make enough stew for two, be sure to use both of Clifton's tubes as well. For flavoring, add some local flora (heck - fauna too if you can catch it) and the bottom of one sock. [TIP: Only use one sock bottom. Using two bottoms seems to overpower the delicate flavor of the inner tube strips.] Don't worry if you can't tell what kind of flora exactly you're tossing into the stew. You'll test it out on Clifton first. Top the stew with the Slime that you saved, garnish with a sprig of whatever's closest, and serve using Clifton's helmet that you line with a piece from his new Gore-Tex jacket.
Bon Appetite!
Your riding buddy has been spanking your little hiney on all your rides and ribbing you about it to boot. You'd like to get even with them but not sure how to do it? Here's what you do.
Take the spare tube that s/he keeps around for flats and unroll it. Laying it along the top of the right chainstay, tie the tube down using zip ties so that the tube looks like a plain old unobtrusive chainstay protector. Now, attach the free end near the rear wheel to the gear cassette. Not sure where to put it so your buddy doesn't notice? Carefully attach the free end of the tube to the rear hub, between the 32-tooth gear and the spokes. You're all set. Now for the fun part.
While you're riding partner is blissfully sucking down a GU pack, sneak up behind them and make a ferocious, mountain lion-getting-ready-to-eat-you-alive type scream! (TIP: Hide behind some nearby bushes, if possible, to increase the effect.) Your buddy will prompty jump 6 feet straight up into the air and start running for their bike while still gaining altitude. Upon touching down, they'll jump on the bike and bolt off in the direction that their bike happens to be pointing. The tube will wind itself around the madly spinning rear hub and bring your friend to a skidding halt. Immediately followed by the bike suddenly kicking into a reverse gear that you never realized it had. Your buddy will be jerked back towards you like they were attached to a bungie cord, screaming loudly that they're gonna die. After you've finished rolling in the dirt and laughing hysterically, continue with your ride. You might want to make sure that your riding partner (if they still are) stays in front. Also, check to make sure that you have the keys to the vehicle before enacting this trick.Scenario #3 (Getting Even with Insensitive Riding Partner)
Okay - you're waaaaay back in the boonies "just riding along" when all of a sudden, through no fault of yours, your drivetrain decides to separate itself into its separate molecular components (very tiny).
After picking yourself up off the forest floor, rubbing your sore kneecap that you banged on the pinch bolts of your newfangled AheadStem and a protracted stream of mild cursing, you start assessing the damage.
Hmmmmm ... doesn't look too bad. Only a broken chain. Good thing it wasn't your rear derailleur because you promised your significant other that you'd only be gone for a couple of hours. You just bought that new Roloff chain tool and this would be a perfect time to use it!
Fast Forward
Viewed from an overhead position, it's a rather humorous situation. The bike is lying on its side with a large circle of bike tools strewn around it. In the center of said circle is a mtb witchdoctor (you) jumping up and down and loudly chanting arcane spells to the Dirt Gods while waving their arms in the air. I'm sure all the little forest creatures appreciate the afternoon matinee, although it is rated R. [Apparently you left your chain tool at home.]
Don't worry, there is a solution close at hand. Take your spare tube and slice it into three long, equal width strips. Make the width of the strips as wide as possible but be sure to get three strips out of the tube. You only get one chance at this (you only brought one spare tube), so measure twice and cut once.
Now begins the fun part. Take those three strips and tie one end of each strip to a handy tree. No, NO, No, only use ONE tree!! Next, take the strips and fold each of them in half. Begin to weave the strips together into a VERY tight braid. (And your buddies thought that dreadlocks were a total waste of time?!? HA!) When you've used up all the length of the strips, temporarily tie the free end off so that the braid doesn't come unraveled (use one of your shoelaces if you have to). You should now have a fairly narrow braid of butyl that would be next to impossible to stretch if you were to use it in a sling-shot. [TIP: Don't be tempted to try and shoot those little forest creature who are rolling on the ground holding their side from too much laughter. You'll give yourself a hernia doing that!]
Now carefully measure how much length of "chain" you need to turn your trusty steed into a single speed. Cut the necessary length out of your braid. Be sure to leave enough on the ends so that you can splice the two ends of your new "chain" together. (Uuuhhhhh ... you did obtain your knot tying merit badge in Boy/Girl Scouts didn't you?) Again -- I can't overemphasize enough to measure twice and cut once.
Loop the "chain" through the derailleur pulleys and around the chainring that you chose for your single speed. The little gaps in the braid should provide enough traction for the gear teeth to grab onto. Splice the "chain" together and you're ready to ride!
P.S. Please be sure to pick up all your tools before leaving.Scenario #4 (Drivetrail Replacement)
How about you? Do you have some really creative uses for your dead inner tubes? Mosey on over to the GrrRizly Dead Innertubes Guestbook and let me know or drop me a quick email.
Reader Submitted Dead InnerTube Uses
I use them to tie the door in an open position when carrying groceries, etc. into the house. Just tie one end to the door handle and one end to the railing ... makes a really sturdy tie line. [Submitted by Tracy]
Catapult [Submitted by Bruce]
You leave it laying in the yard until the grass underneath is dead. Then you remove the innertube, get rid of it and tell everyone it's a ring from the small UFO that landed in your yard. [Submitted by Carol]
I would tell you but my wife would kill me :) [Submitted by Steve "The PigDog"]
We use dead Inner Tubes to tie up the trap door on our crab traps. We also use them to hang up the extension cord. Just hammer in a nail in the wall put the dead inner tube on while holding out the other end. Put extension cord in and hang other end of dead inner tube to nail. [Submitted by Brenda]
Mountain Biking Poems
"Off The Back"
By Kevin Axt © 1994
(Recite using the cadence from the theme song of the Snapple commercials)
Sing a song of knobbies
But don't wait to take a drink
Cause keeping up with Mike
Is a damn site harder than you think
So grab that trusty water bottle
Enjoy it's heft and girth
And drink some of the water
Mixed in with the dirt
This poem came to me during a group night ride. I was slogging it out by myself while watching the taillights of the group recede into the distance. I was listening to the sound my knobbies made on the bikepath (I had achieved resonance speed but still wasn't going fast enough to draft off the pack) and searching for something to take my mind off of the spreading pool of molten lava that had engulfed my legs, when this little dittie popped into my head.
Mike is the owner of a bike shop, "Montana Mike's" (now sadly closed, though still available by appointment), who regularly smokes riders younger than himself. If you have a local rider like this, you can insert his (or her) name into the poem and chant/rant it to yourself. Use as required. :-)
"Ode To Cow Pies"
(Copied from Bike magazine)
While riding in the wild, wild West,
Your bike and attire will surely be mess'd.
By what, you ask? Perchance roadkill?
A bloated, stinking whip-poor-will?
But, no, the answer is: cowpies,
in every texture, shape, and size.If old, they're dry - at least outside,
But watch! KERSPLAT will stain your hide,
For the outer crust doth slyly conceal
A hidden core of slurry (teal).If truly old, they're desiccated.
the contents unknown, though masticated. Fear note these petrified poo-poo platters:
They're way beyond the age of splatters.But watch, instead for steaming gobs:
That pack themselves between your knobs,
Then suddenly release with glee -
It's in your eyes! You cannot see!Take not: the ubiquitous metal grate
Means there do cattle congregate.
Avoid if you can these bovine conventions;
You'll spare your nose of further stenchins.
Reflex
Down Big Tire at night
Warm pool of light hides the good line
Don't miss it
Air
Off the beaten path
Tri-City flora galore
Flat tire
Slalom
Twisting and turning
Trail jukes to the left ... RIGHT!
Sagebrush
Necessary Bicycle Accessories
(Copied from Mountain Bike magazine)Bike Widow Inflatable Companion
Leaving your significant other at home while you're out cycling can put a relationship under tremendous strain, and pedaling with guilt spoils the fun. With the Bike Widow Inflatable Companion, everybody is happy. The unit inflates to your body measurements, making it a lifelike substitute for the real you. From its unyielding grip on the TV remote to its ape-like grunting in response to all your significant other's conversational efforts, the BWIC is chillingly realistic. Although designed for couch placement, accessories are available to simulate extended bathroom reading sessions.
Price: $300
Pros: Guilt-free riding; preserves those important relationships
Cons: Effects of long-term exposure on your loved ones is yet unknown - some worry that they might end up liking the dummy better
Girlfriend4.0 Computer Program
(This little gem was posted to the MTB mailing list that I belong to. I got a kick out of it and I hope that you do too.)
Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0 (marketing name: Fiancee1.0). Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it's a memory hogger, it has taken all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and BrotherInLaw.
Some features I'd like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0...
- - A "Don't remind me again" button
- - Minimise button
- - Shutdown feature
- - An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don't lose cache and other objects)
I tried running GirlFriend2.0 with GirlFriend1.0 still installed, they tried using the same i/o port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall GirlFriend1.0 but it didn't have an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my system directory. Another thing that sucks in all versions of GirlFriend that I've used is that it is totally "object oriented" and only supported hardware with gold plated contacts.
***** BUG WARNING ********
Wife1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress1.1 before uninstalling Wife1.0, Wife1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.
Mountain Biking Slang
Of course no resource devoted to mountain biking humor should be without the Dictionary Of Mountain Bike Slang that is maintained by Jim Frost. If you haven't read this yet it's well worth your time for a visit.
GrrRizly Tip of the Moment
Everyone knows the value of cleaning your chain frequently. The only problem lies in getting your chain off, especially if you're using a Shimano chain. Here's one solution to the problem.This will only require you to take 2 bolts and 1 screw off. First, however, take off your rear wheel. Next, you take the bolts out that hold your rear derailleur pulleys in and the screw that holds the cage of your front derailleur together. Finally, all that's left to do is pull your chain over the top of your crank arms and you're all done. If you have a second chain, you can put the new chain on and give the dirty one a Simple Green Jacuzzi (or solvent of your choice).
What's that you say? What to do about where the chain goes through the frame between the seat stays? How do you remove it from there after you have taken both the derailleurs apart?!?
It's real easy but you gotta do it really quick. You first distract the frame by yelling something like: "Hey! Look over there! A shiny new Merlin Titanium Newsboy!" While the frame is looking around for that sexy Newsboy, you just whip the intact chain off. If you do it really fast you'll fool the frame into thinking that you've actually broken the chain at a link. It won't know the difference!! As an added bonus, if you do it extra fast, your frame will be so bewildered that it'll think it's an elevated chainstay frame and you'll never have any chainsuck or mud clearance problems again!!!!
BIFF RATING SYSTEM
Spud wrote:"You're out there with your pals on the weekend ride and suddenly someone decides to separate themselves from their respective ride and choose air travel instead. Is there a standardized rating system for the ensuing biffs which obviously occur? Are there difficulty ratings for those who choose to implement twists and somersaults during their impending collision with the earth instead of the standard stop and tip or superman over the handlebars? Is injury a plus or minus or is the blood factor an inherent part of the rating system? Damage to your ride must be a few tenths off. Also, has instant replay been implemented for this season?"
Spud - after much careful scrutiny of the official rulebook and attendance at the internationally recognized B3 (Big Bad Biff) Seminar, the only such sanctioned biff judging seminar recognized by the BVD (Biff Velocity Deccelerator) Organization, I'm pleased to say that, "Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus". Biff Points System Reprinted from the cluttered mind of the GrrRiz with permission
Base Points Mid-Air Flight (2 types max) Style Points Injuries Blood is included as a standard part of the Degree of Difficulty Ratings. If no blood is evident at time of injury, subtract 1 point from final score (after multiplication).
Degree of Difficulty (Multipliers) Note: No more than one Degree of Difficulty Mulitplier may be applied to raw score.
BIFF SCORE
Standard "Superman": 0.75 pts Total Raw Score: 4.5 pts
Degree of Difficulty Multiplier: 1.0 No blood evident at time of Biff: -1 pt
Total Biff Score: 3.5 pts
I should point out that the maximum possible Biff Score is 43 pts.
There will be no authorized instant replay implemented this season. The team owners are still deciding how best to use this new technology. The BVD does allow bootleg "instant replay" tapes to be submitted as supporting evidence when validating Biff Score.
Thank-you, Spud, for bringing this topic up. Summer is fast approacing and we should all be prepared for the 1998 Biff Season.
You're visitor This page last updated April 8, 1998
Standard "Stop & Tip": 0.25 pts
Standard "Superman": 0.75 pts
Standard Auger (head-first only): 2 pts
"Pete Rose": -2 pts
"Dog Paddle": -1 pt
Damage to your ride is generally looked upon as being in poor taste. However, skillful use of the bicycle in the mid-air flight can be rewarded by the judges. (Maximum 2 pts)
Standard Injury Adder: 2 pts
Subtract 2 points if injury appears to be out of proportion to the Degree of Difficulty
Rocks: 1.5
Cliffs: 3
Cow "Chips" >1 month old: 1.5
Last Wednesday night, I was out on the regular night ride up at State Patrol with a couple other riders. We were coming down Slalom (I was in the lead so I know we weren't going very fast) when I heard a strangled yell from behind me. I immediately recognized the sound for what it was ... a BiP (Biff in Progress).
[Note: I'll only be able to score this from anecdotal evidence.]
Mid-Air Flight:
(Good Elevation Above Ground): 1.5 pts
(Standard Auger): 2 pts
Style Points: 1.25 pts (Biffees light pointed back uphill to illuminate scene)
Unadjusted Biff Score: 4.5pts
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