Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, "I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mum, and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so." That night, as the princess dined on frog legs in garlic butter, she laughed to herself and thought, "I don't fucking think so."
Superman was flying around thinking "I need a shag". He passed over Gotham City when he saw Batman, so he flew down for some advice. "Hey Bats, who's a good shag?" Batman replied, "Well Supe, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is the best sex in Gotham, why don't you try her?" "I'd love to, but Wonderwoman and I are friends, so I don't really want to take advantage of her..." "Damn shame" said Batman.
Ten minutes later Superman was flying low over a city when he saw Spiderman swinging from rooftop to rooftop. He flew down. "Hey Spidey, I'm cruisin' for a piece of ass, who's the best shag in Gotham?" "Hey Big S, everyone knows that Wonderwoman is far and away the best shag in Gotham, why don't you try her?" "Well we are sort of friends," he said, "but I didn't realize she had gotten around so much." And he flew off in frustration.
Twenty minutes later he was flying over a field when he saw Wonderwoman lying naked in the middle of the field, with her legs apart and up in the air. Superman was tempted, "Goddam it!" he thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet, I can be in and out of there before she even knows I'm here." So with a blur and a sonic boom he was down, in and gone. Wonderwoman stared up into the sky with a glazed expression. "What the hell was that?" she exclaimed. "I don't know", said the Invisible Man as he rolled off, "but my ass is killing me."
Two drunks, Chuck and Manny, wake up one morning. Manny says "How the hell are we gonna get drunk today? All I’ve got is forty cents." Chuck says, "Gimme the money, I’ve got an idea." He goes into a deli, comes out with a hot dog and says, "Come on. Let’s go to the bar." When they get to the bar, Chuck pulls down Manny’s zip, sticks in the hot dog, and pulls the zip up tight enough to hold it. He orders to Bacardi & Cokes, and they drink them. When the bartender says "Pay up", Chuck drops to his knees and starts sucking on the hot dog. The bartender says, "Get out of here, you homos!". Fifteen bars, they do the same routine. They’re totally polluted ! Chuck says, "Listen, it was a great idea I had, we got very drunk on forty cents, but we gotta stop. Every time I drop to my knees I smash ‘em on the floor. I can’t take it anymore." Manny says, "YOU can’t take it anymore? We lost the hot dog after the fourth bar."
A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.
"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane !"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.
"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.
"I’m getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last men left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he’d kick my ass.
"So, did you jump?"
"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five and 250 pounds. He said to me "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?" I said "No, Sir. I’m too scared." So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and took his penis out. I swear it was about 10 inches long and as big around as a baseball bat ! He said, "Boy, either you jump out that door, or i’m sticking this little baby up your ass".
"So, did you jump?" asked the father.
"Well, a little at first."
Little boy says to his dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?? Dad replies "Go and ak your mum if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars, then ask your sister if she would do the same with Brad Pitt."
Little boy goes off and asks mum, mum replies of course "I would, Robert Redford is gorgeous and the money would be a bonus, the little boy asks his sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for the same and gets the same reply. Later dad asks the boy if he he now knows the meaning of potentially oand realistically, boy replies "Yes dad, "potentially we are sitting on two million dollars, realistcially we are living with two sluts!!!!!!!
This group of journalists are walking together through London one day after an NUJ conference, when a child runs from a side street pursued by a slavering, viscous Rottweiler. The dog grabs the child and is about to savage it when a passer-by rushes up and after a fierce battle in which the man himself is bitten several times, but somehow he manages to subdue the dog and render it unconscious. With the dog no longer a threat, the journos rush over to the man and child and help them to their feet. That was amazing, says one, I can just see tomorrow's headlines: "HEROIC LONDONER SAVES CHILD FROM RABID DOG". "Actually," says the man, "I'm not from London." "Well then," says another, how about "BRAVE ENGLISHMAN RISKS LIFE TO SAVE CHILD"? "Sorry," says the man, "but I'm not English either, actually I'm Irish..." The headlines the next day: "MAD IRISHMAN STRANGLES CHILDS PET"
What a man hears: blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW."
Dad: Sure son, what's the question?
Son: What is politics?
Dad: Well son, let's take our home for example. I am the wage earner, so let's call me "the management". Your mother is the administrator of the money, so let's call her "the government". We take care of you and your needs, so let's call you "the people". We'll call the au pair "the working class" and your baby brother "the future". Understand?
Son: I'm not really sure dad, I'll have to think about it. That night, the boy is awakened by his baby brother's crying, so he goes to see what's wrong. Discovering that the baby has a heavily soiled nappy, the boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother fast asleep. He then goes to the au pair's bedroom, where, peeking through the keyhole, he sees his father in bed with the au pair. The boy's knocking goes totally unheard. The boy goes back to his room and falls asleep. The next morning...
Son: Dad, I think I understand politics.
Dad: That's great son, explain it to me in your own words.
Son: While the management is screwing the working class, the government is fast asleep, the people are being completely ignored and the future is full of shit
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