I just returned from some holiday shopping and while I was out, I was reminded of just how little use I often have for people.As a general rule, I am in and out of the mall inside 30 minutes every time I go - holiday or not. I don't even enjoy shopping on a Monday morning in February, so you can imagine with what contempt I shop during the holidays. I hasten through a mall much the same way I drive. Darting in and out of people, getting irritated at those large groups who find it necessary to crowd an entire lane. And glaring at those who stop in front of me for no apparent reason.
Yesterday when I was in PetSmart, a young girl with purple and red hair was toting 3 pups on a leash. She was walking in the store as I was leaving and the pups decided to get stubborn at that precise moment. But the girl didn't tug at them and get out of my way, despite the fact that I was carrying a 40 pound bag of dog food and had a 40 pound border collie pulling me along. No. The girl just stayed there, cooing at the 12-week-old pups, asking them to please move. I wanted to shout "Get the hell out of my way, you freak! Those are dogs. Dogs don't speak English!" But I didn't. Instead I said, "Gee, I'm sorry to be trying to leave while you were in my way." I don't think she captured my disdain. I don't think it was possible to get through her purple and red skull.
Now don't get me wrong. I don't dislike all people. Most people don't bother me at all. Especially those I know and associate with. But I was at the local mall today (which serves quite a large area since it's the only civilized mall around) and I'm guessing that there were at least 5,000 people milling about. Most of them were in my way.
Surely you've been there before. It all started when I was looking for a place to park. There were people everywhere wandering out in front of my car, fearless of the prospect that I might be a crazed lunatic who hates everyone. After about 5 years, I finally found a place to park about 3 miles from the nearest door. The instant I entered the mall, I was overcome by an onslaught of odors. A combination of perfumes, food and body odor came rushing at my nostrils. All of them rather unpleasant and overwhelming. It was like the smells were little goblins, punching at my nose as I went along. I winced and sprinted away from the objects of these horrors.
In a meager attempt to escape the stench assault, I practically ran through the mall in my quest for the perfect gift. I didn't want to change my 30-minute rule and new odors followed me everywhere I went. I wasn't rude to anyone, mind you, but I have become rather adept at dodging people who have the capability of crowding the "lanes" and walking terribly slow - like mothers with young children, senior citizens and teenage hordes. All in an effort to get the hell out of that people brigade as quickly as possible.
It was with great pleasure that I abandoned the mall 30 minutes later. I left empty handed, but at least I finally eluded the offensive stench that was attacking me. Not to mention I was able to get away from all of those bloody people.
Know what I think? I think Hell is a mall at Christmas time.
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