When we were much younger, my brother (between the ages of 15 and 19) was dating a girl (we’ll call her Fluffball) rather seriously. She lived in a nearby neighborhood and to satisfy their animal needs, they would often meet at our neighborhood pool during the wee hours of the morning. My sister, being the tattle tale that she was in those days, once informed dad of one of my brother’s encounters with Fluffball. She woke him at about 1 a. m. on a weeknight during the summer. We weren’t in school but dad had to work the next day. Back then, dad was waking up at about 5:30-6 a.m. for work.My brother had a swivel chair of some sort in his room. Dad took it upon himself to sit in my brother’s room with the lights out, waiting in that chair until my brother came home. At about 4:30 a.m., my brother crept upstairs to his room. When he turned on the light, he found dad in the chair. Before he even began to recover from shock, dad said simply, "This won’t happen again." He then got up, and went to bed.
No screaming. No grounding. No punishment whatsoever.
Other than, of course, the future potential for the wrath of dad. For my brother, that was all it took.
Mine wasn’t a household of perpetual groundings and beatings. Dad was the primary disciplinarian and his size alone would be enough to frighten small children. Not only that, but he still so rarely gets excited that even his boss is constantly giving him stress toys with the quip, "You must be extremely stressed out, since I never see it."
In addition, to this day, I’ve never seen my mother get too terribly excited. Sure, she festers from time to time but I have never seen her lose control.
Growing up in such a controlled atmosphere has left me with a skewed view of the world. I’m not suggesting that this is a bad thing. I just got done reading an article in Cosmo about the revenge that some women take on ex-boyfriends/husbands. I found some of these women to be completely insane while Cosmo was commending them on their creativity.
For instance, one of these women took a (porno) videotape that she and her ex had made while dating and sent it to his current wife with a note saying that she was his mistress. Another one took 1 of every last pair of her ex’s shoes and threw them in the dumpster - leaving him without a single pair of shoes for work the next day. These are completely overboard. I can understand wanting revenge, but to cost someone a fortune or try to destroy their life over a simple heartache? The only reaction that I have to that is the uncomfortable laugh that comes from realizing someone desperately needs to see a shrink.
Despite my view of these lunatic women, I have been referred to as "psycho". All the same, the most shocking thing I ever did during or after a relationship was call an ex in a drunken stupor and profess my imaginary love for him. Compared to the women in Cosmo, I am, at worst, a little possessive.
I probably tend to be a little anal at times, but one thing I’ve learned from my upbringing is that a subtle non-reaction to an event can often be more insulting that the hysteria that sometimes accompanies a messy break up.
A recent ex and I were muttering about seeing one another again. To do so, one of us would have had to travel 5 hours to visit. During our 18 month relationship, I was always of least importance to him. Even behind the Braves. He would say he was going somewhere (to a few weddings, for instance) and would change his mind at the last minute. Guilt persuaded him to go, but not without a fight. I had been repeatedly stepped on and hurt by this ex, but for some reason whenever he showed the slightest interest, I would jump at the chance at a renewal. It was arranged for me to visit him, but he backed out at the last minute because he wouldn’t be able to explain his sudden plans for the weekend to what he referred to as "a friend of his" (the woman he was seeing).
For me, that was the last straw. I resolved myself to never again be tempted by his selfish advances.
But I didn’t scream. I didn’t yell. I didn’t plan out how I was going to ruin his life despite the fact that I have his social security number at my fingertips. I simply waited. I knew he would soon be moving to another city (away from everyone he knew) and would get lonely and call.
A week later, he did call and the conversation went as follows:
"Hello?" I say.
"Hi."
"Hi."
"How’s it going?" He asks.
"Fine." Monotone.
"What are you doing?"
"Watching a movie."
"Oh." Pause. "Do you want me to let you go?"
"Probably."
"Oh." Pause. "Okay… do you want my new number?"
"Not especially [and I honestly meant that]." Ka-ching!
"Oh." Pause. "Okay!" Quick recovery. "I guess I’ll talk to ya later!" All smiles.
"Okay, Bye."
"Bye."
I think I got more satisfaction out of those two words ("not especially") than I had had in the year and a half relationship that didn’t want to end. Much more than I would ever have gotten by calling the phone and cable companies and having the turn-on of his services delayed or sending his new lady a note letting her know about his scheme to see me.
What is boils down to is this: Subtlety is much more effective. People who spend so much time plotting and scheming dramatic revenge are only subjecting themselves to ridicule and disappointment. Sure, they might inconvenience a former loved one, or break up what would be a happy marriage. Chances are, they won’t. It only reminds the object of someone’s ire that a former fling is still pining for him/her. What people would hope will result in a broken relationship and ruined life will most likely be explained simply by: "Well... she’s just nuts. Don’t pay any attention to it. It’s not your fault."
So you tell me, which would you rather have? The satisfaction of letting someone know that you have moved on and simply don’t care anymore? Or a label as a lunatic for the rest of your life? You decide.
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