Jen Mishaps

A co-worker of mine had been listening to a Marilyn Manson cd all day. I shared an office with him and whenever anyone came in, they harassed him about listening to satanic music. He continually denied that it was satanic. Towards the end of the day, he was exasperated with everyone's insults. He was the "computer guy" at our small office and always had computer parts all over the place. On this particular day, he also had a Gateway computer sitting on his credenza. I heard someone ask, "What is this Gateway doing on your desk?" Then he said, "It's the gateway to hell!"

On one of our first excursions to Atlanta, the family planned to see Les Miserables. My sister was living there at the time and we were to pick her up at her apartment at 6:00 p.m. in order to make an eight o'clock show. We arrived in town at around 5 p.m. on a Friday. Needless to say, traffic was atrocious. Mom, unaccustomed to traffic, began to complain, "I just don't understand it! We aren't even moving? How can it be that we aren't even moving at all?" Dad, very calmly, turned to look at her and said, in a relaxed tone, "It's obvious, Mary Anne. There's less road then there is traffic."

My friend Brian and I were going to his father's mountain house in Blairesville, GA. On the way, we saw a park named Goose Creek which I commented on. Almost simultaneously, we saw the remains of some bird lying in the road. Brian turned to me and said, "It used to be Geese Creek. Pretty soon it's just going to be Creek."

We were playing poker one night and dad pointed out a strange looking abrasion-like thing on his leg. He couldn't see it very well, so he asked me to take a look to see what it was. I told him that I had no idea. He said, "Well, I'm sure it's not skin cancer or anything. I'll worry about it Monday at work. I'll ask the guy who knows." After we were done laughing, my brother piped in with, "As if there is some guy who just hangs out on the street corner, knowing things - the guy who knows."

One of my friends and I were watching TV when one of the antacid ads came on. In the commercial, two ladies were discussing what to order at a fast food restaurant. Fries

One of the women said something to the effect of "How can you eat that? I'd have the worst gas if I did." The other lady came back with, "So would I, but I take [said drug] and don't have any trouble." My friend turned to me and said, "You know, if you have to take a drug just so you can eat the food, maybe you just shouldn't get it in the first place."

My brother and dad talk regularily because they do some business together. In addition, my brother is always telling jokes. Once, when they were on the phone, my brother said to my dad, "What has a little di-k and hangs down?" "What?" Dad asked. "A bat," my brother answered. "What has a big di-k and hangs up?" "What?" Dad asked again. *Click* dad heard, as my brother hung up the phone.

I wore a "baby doll" dress to work once. It was a fairly short dress with a very full skirt. I remember using the bathroom and walking down a 30 yard hallway, past many offices, to the WATS room (basically, a room usually full of people). When I walked in, I spoke to the manager of the WATS room. As I turned to leave, she shouted, "Oh, Jennifer! Wait!" It turns out that the tip of the skirt of my dress was tucked into my pantyhose. Not only that, but remember I had walked past several offices... Not the most humiliting moment of my life, but nearly.

When I was in 7th grade, I had a math teacher, Ms. Star, who absolutely hated me. At the time, I didn't understand her feelings but in retrospect, I suppose my attitude was a bit... harsh. Once, after taking a quiz (I always tested very quickly - still do - and in this case, I was done before the rest of the class), I picked up a book to read, Christine by Stephen King. She told me not to read at the end of a test. I let her know that I thought this was nuts by saying, "Why not? Would you rather I chat with someone?" She didn't like that one bit. Another time, after finishing another quiz, she caught me writing something in my notebook and asked, "What are you doing?" I replied, "Tonight's homework." "How do you know I'm going to assign that?" "Because you usually do. And even if you don't, it's good practice." "Good answer," was all she had to say.

Not too long ago, while in Atlanta, I was driving down a fairly busy 4 lane road, darting in and out of traffic as usual. I noticed that there were a few motorcycle cops around but didn't think anything of it as I wasn't speeding. After a bit, I noticed a cop driving his motorcycle right next to me in the left lane and signalling spastically for me to pull over as if my car was on fire and I didn't know it. I looked at him, confused, and shrugged. He yelled something at me that I didn't understand. I shook my head. He then motioned for me to roll down my window. When I did, he screamed, "You pulled into the middle of a funeral procession. Either you pull out of it or I'm going to give you a ticket!" It was everything I could do to keep from laughing at him and my own stupidity.

When I was a little girl, my sister took it upon herself to be my personal terrorist. Once, when I was 5 and mom and dad were out, she told me she would give me a quarter if I would stand at the end of the driveway naked. I told her I wouldn't. She said I could wear my underwear. I said no. She was 11 at that point and hence, a lot bigger than me. Before I knew it, I was standing at the end of the driveway, spread eagle, in my underwear. A few cars drove by and looked at me like I was a freak (well, I was). After a few cars had gone by, my brother forced her to let me come in. And I never saw that quarter.

As a child, I felt sorry for food that didn't get eaten. I thought food's feelings were hurt if someone left it on their plate.

Growing up, my brother and I shared a bathroom. A very anal child, I used to memorize the serial numbers on my money. Once, I found that I was missing $16 (a lot of money to a 12 year old in 1983). I looked all over for it and found $16 dollars in my brother's room. I accused him of having taken it, and he denied it. I let him know that the serial numbers looked familiar and in his ire, he said, "Just take it! I don't care! I didn't take the money but take it anyhow!" I didn't take his money, but for years reminded him about the $16. After I moved to Atlanta, 10 years later, I was doing my laundry one day. I pulled out some jeans from the washer and scattered within them were $16 that I didn't know I had. I immediately called my brother to let him know that he was absolved of all theft responsibility - the time warp of things that get lost in washing machines had obviously caused that $16 taken 10 years to find me.

My sister and I were driving from California to Atlanta a few years ago. When we drove through Alabama, we say a sign that said "Eutaw 32 Miles". She looked at me and said, That's how they spell "Utah" in Alabama.

It has become a well known fact that my dad isn't very fond of dogs, particularily mine. This year (1997) we had Thanksgiving dinner at my brother and wife's house with her family. Her brother had said something about wishing he had the time and energy to own a dog. Dad said to him, "Well, do you want a dog?" Her brother said, "No". "Do you want part of a dog?"

I once locked my keys in the car with the engine running. I had jumped out to check the mail and hit the automatic lock automatically. It took 30 minutes before I broke back in.

For a very long time, I drove around in a Ford Mustang. It was my first car and I didn't get rid of it until 2 years ago. It had about 100,000 miles on it and was truly falling apart before my eyes. Not long before I traded it in, my ex and I were driving through the streets of Atlanta (Cobb Pkwy. to be precise). As we drove past a car dealership, we noticed a guy standing on the side of the road in a suit. Realizing that this looked terribly odd, we looked at him more closely. He was a car salesman. As we passed him, he yelled "Time to trade!" at us. We laughed for about 10 minutes after that.

I got rollerblades as a birthday gift a few years ago. In my excitement to try them out, I overlooked the fact that I was living on the second floor of the apartment building when I put them on. I scooted down the stairs -- butt, feet, butt, feet -- and when

I reached the bottom, I was clinging to my then-boyfriend (the gift-giver). I had been rather agile with rollerskates but the blades were a whole other story. I hung onto him until we reached the sidewalk in front of my building -- about a 25 feet from the base of the stairs. I asked him to let go of me as I had everything under control. The very instant he let go, I landed flat on my back. Every last grain of wind in my body exploded into the air around us. I couldn't breathe but I managed to get out, "Call 911!". The ex was too busy laughing to do anything and I think he assumed that I would be fine. After about 5 minutes, I could breathe again and proceeded to tool around the parking lot trouble free. In fact, I've not fallen on them since. But, to this day, I periodically feel pain in that spot on my back.

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