Question of the Month

To give you a little background, I am a 26-year-old who is living with her parents and working. Not entirely by choice. A series of circumstances brought me from Atlanta to their home. Until I find a place to live, I am trapped. Though I usually get along with my folks extremely well, the trials and tribulations that have occurred as the result of my stay in their house are driving me slightly nuts.
I think it's the onslaught of their opinions combined with my unwillingness to listen that makes for such an unpleasant situation.
Today, I bought a new purse. I was rather excited about it. I had been in desperate need of a new purse for some time. To reward myself for surviving 1997 (see 1997 in Review), I decided to get this thing, though horribly overpriced.
In all of my excitement of this long awaited purchase, I mistakenly blurted out my acquisition to my mother. She had nothing positive to say (as usual). She merely complained of my excessive taste. Whined about the waste of perfectly good money that could better be spent on something of her choosing.
I fumed.
But shouldn't I know better by now? I've been living with these people for about 6 months. You'd think I had some concept of their behavior. You'd think that I had sense enough to keep certain things hidden, but I don't. I guess I keep hoping that someday, she won't consider me a complete moron.
Perhaps that will happen when I win the Pulitzer Prize.
Dad is really no better, but his aspersion casting is somewhat contrasted. He and I perpetually fight about his computer. The color of the background. The size of the font. If it weren't so much faster than mine, I'd hide upstairs and never confront him.
In addition to that, but dad thinks he is an expert on everything. This is not entirely untrue. He does seem to be a veritable cauldron of information. However, I know a tad more about the computers than he does. When he doesn't understand how to do something, he'll blame it on the developer of the program. And I have patience when it comes to things like playing games - which seems to be the only thing he does on this Pentium 300 of his.

"Jen!" He'll yell.
"What?" I ask.
"How do you do this [insert problem here]?"
"You go to the [blah blah] and click on [this] and click on [that]."
"What?"
Getting frustrated, "You go to the [blah blah] and click on [this] and click on [that]." "Where is the [blah blah]?"
"It's in the Start Menu."
"Start Menu? What's that?"

You get the idea. Though conceivably a genius, the man never looks for anything. This drives my mother and I insane.
Why are they so frustrating, parents? Why don't they see you as anything other than that screaming 3-year-old brat in the toy store? When do they consider you an adult?
I know I need to get out of their house. The fact of the matter is, though, that I need to save a dollar or two while I'm still here. Not only that, but I'm having trouble finding a house to rent in which the owners will allow a dog and a cat. If I haven't already gone insane, I probably will by the end of March. In fact, you might want to keep up with the Journal to see how I am faring.
So, this is my question: how do I cope with these freaks who are trying to control my life, from what I eat to what I buy? How do I learn to shut my mouth and stop chewing on my foot? I already know I need to get out more, but what other options are there?
Help me! I need help!

January 19, 1998
*NOTE: Based on some of my responses, I felt the need to add this little addendum. I wanted to let everyone know that, all in all, I'm rather fond of my folks. They are wonderful, generous people. Despite the fact that they seem to think most of my decisions are wrong. In addition, I'm sure they've had it with me.
Fact of the matter is, it's rather difficult for a child to live with his/her parents after 8 years on his/her own.
What I am trying to figure out is how I shut my mouth and eliminate my desire to share my thoughts so freely with them. Especially when I know they are only going to disagree and I am only going to get more frustrated. I might be here for a few more months. I need to learn how to manage that with a) dad retiring in a month and b) my desire to scream regularly.

Here are the responses that came for January's question:

Age Group: over 50
Sex: male
Occupation: Retired, your father
Comments: This is dad... I know the best way for you to keep from killing us. Try.
Age Group: 26-35
Sex: Female
Occupation: accountant
Comments: Guess dad knows exactly how you feel, now time for mom to read it so she knows exactly how you feel and then perhaps they would work on not treating you like a moron! Mom, Dad your baby grew up!
Age Group: 26-35
Sex: Female
Occupation: Writer, student, ISP customer service slave, mom Comments: I think there is a fine line between respecting our parents and being ourselves. Our individuality is important. Don't hide who you are to anyone. Your parents probably enjoy your differences - they just may not express that to you openly. Parents are fron different planets. I have learned to acept mine for who they are. They will probably never understand me, but I have quit trying to act like the person they expect me to be when I am around them. I'm happier for that and that's all that counts in the end. Your differences probably "shake them up" a little and it's good for them. It makes them think. I'm all for shaking people out of their ruts!
Age Group: 26-35
Sex: Male
Occupation: Civil Engineer
Comments: I think what your experiencing is just a tragic leftover of human evolution. Humans like all animals have a natural need to leave the nest, and you are forced because of financial difficulties, into fighting 15 million years of human evolution. It is no coincidnce that at about the age of sixteen a child can hardley stand being in the presence of their parents. This may seem like a bad thing on the surface, but it is a helpfull way to force people into independence. So the next time youe feel like killing your parents in their sleep, remember it's just mother nature telling you to look for a new place to live.
Age Group: 26-35
Sex: Male
Occupation: Computer Consultant
Comments: The problem is that you're an adult, and expect to be treated like one. Unfortunately, you have included the privledges that come with living on your own in your category of "being treated like an adult".
The fact is, as long as they put a roof over your head, you are subject to their authority. My recommendation is to either learn to deal with that, or to move out, pay your own way, and be "free" to make your own mistakes.
Age Group: 18-25
Sex: Male
Occupation: trader
Comments: what an intriguing question. I hope that one of those uptight morons out there, with no sense of humor, doesn't see this and report you for suggesting that you're engaging in criminal activities.
Age Group: 26-35
Sex: Male
Occupation: marketing, male stripper (Note: this came from a friend of mine. He only aspires to be a male stripper.)
Comments: Remember to stay in the zone. "The zone?" you ask. "The zone," I reply. The zone is simply that state of mind where the dysfunctional separates from reality. "How do I attain the zone?" you think. Simple. Look directly into their eyes the next time they are lecturing you. Focus on their eyes. Focus so hard that you begin to look through them. You see that behind there. That's the wall. Stare at it. Stare hard at it. I guarantee that once the wall comes into vision, they'll be done. If you get the response "do you hear me?" the first time you try this, simply incorporate a nice little nod on the next lecture. That should tweak the process just right. If, for some unknown reason, this doesn't work, try spiking their Diet Coke with Drano.
Age Group: 26-35
Sex: Male
Occupation: Electrical Engineer
Comments: Let them know that you need to live your own life by making your own decisions and being ready to face the consequences of these decisons. All they can do is support you on your decisions. (Sidenote: I've tried this. It doesn't work. They see that I buy an overpriced anything and never shut up about it. They support me when I'm on my own, not when my animals are tearing up their house.)
As for being on the same roof with your parents, pay those bills and move out ASAP. For me, I would love to live with my parents again ( for a year max!!) to be able to save for a down payment on the house.
In any case, do what you need to do to keep sane in this insane world and keep your chin up.... Remember, it could be worse. Good Luck!!
Age Group: 26-35
Sex: Male
Occupation: engineer/sometime philosopher and songwriter
Comments: I also had the pleasure of spending a few months with my parents after I graduated from college. I found the following things worked sometimes. Good luck.
1. Only talk when spoken to
2. Enter and exit the house at times when they are unconscious or gone. (Any means of getting your parents out of the house or unconscious, shy of violence, is fair game
3. When forced to engage in dialog, always turn it into a political or philosophical arguement. They will immediately stop the conversation.
4. Put on headphones and sing along with the music whenever the urge to share your feelings hits you.
5. Last and most important, REMOVE ALL THE WEAPONS FROM THE HOUSE!
If you follow these rules, your parents should survive, however they may try to committe you so get the hell out of there as fast as your savings allows. Borrow money if necessary.
Age Group: 18-25
Sex: Female
Occupation: Chef
Comments: Hey just want to ad a sidebar your web pages are exelent I feel like i know you??? With regards to yuor parents I have the same problem with mine But you have to look at it from their point of view they raised you from small and when they are criticising you or giving you unsolicited advice listen to them and see their view too Parents have lived alot longer than you and they dont want to see you make the same mistakes that they did make?? i think alot of their reaction to the things that you do are out of love ...No really Im talking from experience.. sometimes the things that they bitch and moan about are right...Hang in there and try to make it... also use this time in your life to learn how to be a diplomat ? Another one of lifes little lessons that will help you in the real world...Hope your jobs going ok
Age Group: 26-35
Sex: Male
Occupation: Editor, writer
Comments: I spent a few months living at the parental abode immediately after college. I remember an odd sort of cognitive dissonance: I'd come down the stairs and, instead of picking up a baseball glove from the radiator and saying, "Goodbye, Mother, I'm going out to play," I was picking up my briefcase and saying, "Goodbye, Mother, I'm going to work." Same stairs, same radiator, same mother. Occasionally I'd have little hallucinations that I was still ten years old. They are fine, fine people, and they seemed to like having me around (I can cook and play Scrabble). But it's better for a grownup's peace of mind to sever that old umbilical.

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