Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails. 

What is Love....?

...Though love seems to be very difficult to define, I submit that this is because we try in this culture to combine two very opposite and even apparently mutually exclusive aspects of love in one definition. Thus, the more we say about love, the more we contradict ourselves, and when we find one aspect of love battling another, we give up in confusion and frustration and decide that love is too personal, too mysterious, and too enigmatic to pin down precisely.

The Greeks were smarter. They used different words, eros and agape, to distinguish between these two profoundly different ways of experiencing what we call "love". Eros, of course, refers to passionate love, while agape describes the stable and committed relationship that exists between two individuals who care deeply for each other.

The contrast of eros and agape allows us to understand our dilemma when we look for both these kinds of love at one time, in one relationship, with one person. It also helps us see why eros and agape both have their champions, those who claim that one or the other is the only real way of experiencing love, for indeed each has its very special beauty, truth, and worth. And each type also lacks some precious, which only the other has to offer.

Let's look at how proponents of each would describe being in love.

Eros: Real love is an all-consuming, desperate yearning for the beloved, who is perceived as different, mysterious, and elusive. The depth of love is measured by the intensity of the obsession with the loved one. There is little time or attention for other interests or pursuits, because so much energy is focused on recalling past encounters or imagining future ones. Often, great obstacles must be overcome, and thus there is an element of suffering in (what these proponents say is) true love. Another indication of the depth of love is the willingness to endure pain and hardship for the sake of the relationship. Associated with real love are feelings of excitement, rapture, drama, anxiety, tension, mystery, and yearning.

Agape: Real love is a partnership to which two caring people are deeply committed. These people share many basic values, interests and goals, and tolerate good-naturedly their individual differences. The depth of love is measured by the mutual trust and respect they feel toward each other. Their relationship allows each to be more fully expressive, creative, and productive in the world. There is much joy in shared experiences both past and present, as well as those that are anticipated. Each views the other as his/her dearest and most cherished friend. Another measure of the depth of love is the willingness to look honestly at oneself in order to promote the growth of the relationship and the deepening of intimacy. Associated with (what these proponents say is) real love are feelings of serenity, security, devotion, understanding, companionship, mutual support, and comfort.

The society in which we live and the ever-present media that surround and saturate our consciousness confuse the two kinds of love constantly. We are promised in a thousand different ways that a passionate relationship (eros) will bring us contentment and fulfillment (agape). In fact, the implication is that with great enough passion, a lasting bond will be forged. All the failed relationships based initially on tremendous passion can testify that this premise is false. Frustration, suffering and yearning do not contribute to a stable, sustained, nurturing relationship, though they are certainly factors that contribute mightily to a passionate one.

Common interests, common values and goals, and a capacity for deep, sustained intimacy are required if a couple's initial erotic enchantment with each other is to eventually metamorphose into a committed, caring devotion that will endure over time. However, what often happens is this: In a passionate relationship, fraught as it must be with the excitement, suffering, and frustration of new love, there is the feeling that something very important is missing. What is wanted is commitment, a means of stabilizing this chaotic emotional experience and providing a feeling of safety and security. Should the obstacles to their being together be overcome and a genuine commitment forged, these two partners may eventually look at each other and wonder where the passion has gone. They feel safe and warm and kindly toward each other, but a little cheated, too, because they are no longer fired with desire for each other.

The price we pay for passion is fear, and the very pain and fear that feed passionate love may also destroy it. the price we pay for stable commitment is boredom, and the very safety and security that cement such a relationship can also make it rigid and lifeless.

If there is to be continued excitement and challenge in the relationship over time, it must be based not on frustration or longing but on an ever-deeper exploration of the joyful mysteries between a man and a woman who are committed to each other. This is best done with one partner, for the trust and honesty of agape must combine with the courage and vulnerability of passion in order to create true intimacy.

The thrill and excitement that comes not from arousing and being aroused but from knowing and being known is all too rare. Most of us in committed, stable relationships settle for predictability, comfort, and companionship because we fear exploring the mysteries that we embody together as man and woman, the exposure of our deepest selves. Yet in our fear of the unknown within us and between us we ignore and avoid the very gift that our commitment sets within our reach - true intimacy.