Yossarius's Dungeon
Plethora of Lightbulb Jokes

Topics
Astrology
Politics / Government
Religion / Spirituality
The Battle of the Sexes
Psychology
Philosophy
Technology
Professional
Animals
Music / Muscicians
Nationality
Ethnic
Weird Lightbulb Jokes
Changing vs. Screwing



Astrological Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many Rams (Aries's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "I will not change the lightbulb; you will do it, because I say so!"

Q. How many Bulls (Taurus's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Change?!?!?"

Q. How many Twins (Gemini's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two, obviously, accept they argue all night about whose turn it is to change the lightbulb, so it never actually gets changed.

Q. How many Crabs (Cancer's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but the lightbulb changing must be followed by years of therapy.

Q. How many Lions (Leo's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Only one, because Leos won't share the (spot)-light with anyone.

Q. How many Virgins (Virgo's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, they're always too busy changing lightbulbs for other people to change them for themselves.

Q. How many Scales (Libra's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Two. I mean one. Well, maybe it is two. I don't know; what do you think?"

Q. How many Eagles (Scorpio's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One. They just hold the lightbulb up to the socket and wait for the world to revolve around them.

Q. How many Archers (Sagittarius's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Too many to count. You can only keep each of them inside long enough to turn the lightbulb one-quarter turn each.

Q. How many Sea-goats (Capricorn's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one; the trick is getting them to throw away the old lightbulb.

Q. How many Waterbearers (Aquarius's) does it take to change a lightbulb?A. "Well, that depends on how many of us there are."

Q. How many Fish (Pisces's) does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Lightbulb? What lightbulb?"


Back to Top


Political & Governmental Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many George W. Bush's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Uh, let me ask Dick."

Q. How many Al Gore's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Al Gore doesn't change lightbulbs; isn't it enough that he invented them?

Q. How many Bill Clinton's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, and he'll change them all, too, but he'll take all the old lightbulbs with him, and might need the press to remind to actually put in new ones.

Q. How many Hillary Clinton's does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Well, that depends. Are the lightbulbs in Washington DC, Arkansas, or New York?"

Q. How many conservative Economists does it take to change a lightbulb?A. "There is no need to change the lightbulb. All necessary conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the lightbulb lighting up again."

Q. How many social scientists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "It is pointless to change the lightbulb until the root cause as to why it burned out in the first place is identified and addressed."

Q. How many U.S. Presidents does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None; the Constitution states that lightbulbs may only be changed by an act of Congress.

Q. How many Presidential candidates does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Too many.

Q. How many Russian Premieres does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Nobody knows; Russian Premieres don't last as long as lightbulbs.

Q. How many Marxists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None, the seeds of revolution & change are within the lightbulb itself.
Q. How many Trotskyists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. It's no use trying to change it, it's got to be smashed!

Q. How many anarchists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. All of them.

Q. How many Maoists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One to change the bulb and thousands to chant, "Fight Darkness!"


Back to Top


Religious & Spiritual Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many christian fundamentalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. It's a sin to engage in any activity where screwing is involved.

Q. How many Roman Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two; one to screw it in and one to feel guilty.

Q. How many Zen Masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
A #1. Two; one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A #2. One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true answer is: two, one to change the bulb.
A #3. The two previous answers come from false Zen Masters. The answer is: A tree falls in the woods.
A #4. The proliferation of self-proclaimed Zen Masters saddens me. In truth, there is no lightbulb.

Q. How many Buddhists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four; one to change the bulb, one not to change the bulb, one to not not change the bulb, and one to do none of these things.

Q. How many Toaists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None; you cannot change a lightbulb. It is what it is.

Q. How many Wiccans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. That depends on what you want it changed into.

A. One.
Q. How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb?


Back to Top


Battle of the Sexes Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many married men does it take to change a lighbulb?
A. Just one, but he'll get to it after the football game.

Q. How many married women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "I work just as many hours as you do, plus I come home and cook dinner and clean the house and take care of YOUR children. All I ask is for you to contribute to the household in some positive way. I don't think it's too much to ask for you to get up out of the recliner and do something when a lighbulb goes out blah blah blah blah blah......"

Q. How many real men does it take to change a lightbulb in the kitchen?
A. "None; let her cook in the dark."

Q. How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "ONE, GOD DAMN IT!!!"

Q. How many gay men does it take to change a lighbulb?
A. Just one, but he'll have to redecorate the whole room to match the new bulb.

Q. How many lesbian women does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Eight. One to change the bulb, one to hold the ladder, two to blame the failure of the old lightbulb on the patriarchy, one to organize a protest, two to secretly wish she was the lightbulb, and one to secretly wish she was the socket.


Back to Top


Psychological Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many Fruedians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three. One to change the bulb, and two more to argue what the lightbulb represents.

Q. How many Jungians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but doing so many cause other, unrelated lightbulbs to also change.

Q. How many social workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but only if the lightbulb wants to change.


Back to Top


Philosophical Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Fish.

Q. How many existentialists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Two; one to screw in the bulb and one to observe how the lightbulb itself represents a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

Q. How many nihilists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. There is nothing to change.


Back to Top


Technological Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many programmers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "We don't do that here. That's a hardware issue."

Q. How many electrical engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Don't bother. Just let programming code around the bad bulb.

Q. How many Microsoft employees does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None. Microsoft simply declares Darkness the new industry standard.

Q. How many theoretical physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. No one knows. If you know the bulb is out, you can't know how many physicists are in the room. If you count them, you can't tell if the bulb is working.


Back to Top


Professional Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many union workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Twelve. One to turn the bulb, one to hold the bulb, two to hold the ladder (one for each side), two to redirect traffic, one to supervise the operation, one to represent the union, one to report to HR, and three to drink coffee.

Q. How many office workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, provided he or she can remember the maintainence department's extension.

Q. How many used car salesmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "None at all. These lightbulbs actually change themselves!"


Back to Top




Animal Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many elephants does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but expect it to take alot of lightbulbs!


Back to Top




Music & Musicians Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three; one to climb the ladder, the second to kick the ladder out from under the first, and the third to say, "I knew that was going to be to high for her."

Q. How many orchestra conductors does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Seven; of course, I don't expect you to understand.

Q. How many folk singers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four; one to change the bulb, plus a power trio to lament the loss of the old bulb.

Q. How many second violinists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. None; they never get up that high.

Q. How many saxiphonists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Five; one to change the bulb, and four more to argue whether Charlie Parker, David Sanborn, Michael Brecker, or Kenny G was the best lightbulb changer.

Q. How many guitarists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Three; one to change the bulb, one to watch, and one more to say, "That wasn't bad, but watch this," to the second one.

Q. How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. No one knows; every time a bassist tries to change a lightbulb, there is always a guitarist standing under it.

Q. How many keyboardists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Lightbulbs? Well, I got sunlight, florescents, incandescents, neons, heat lamps, LED's, spotlights, oil lamps, candles...what exactly are you looking for?"

Q. How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Just one, but he'll break ten new ones before he figures out they can't be pushed in. ("Besides, they've got a machine that does that now.")

Q. How many bluegrass muscicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. It doesn't matter; as soon as they're done, the banjo player is just going to change it again.

Q. How many vinyl LP enthusiasts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. This never happens; they like the old lightbulb far to much to replace it.


Back to Top




Nationality Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many Filipinos does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. No one knows; the lightbulbs keep getting shot at the airport.

Q. How many Englishmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Change?!? What for? It's a perfectly good bloody bulb. We've had it for a thousand years and it's worked just fine.

Q. How many Germans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "Ve are azkingk de questonz here!"

Q. How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Five; one to remove the old bulb, and four more to search through crates of American made lightbulbs to find one that isn't defective.

Q. How many Scotsmen does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Only one, but he has to get the new lightbulb out of the sheep first.


Back to Top




Ethnic Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many white people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. They don't bother. They just move to the suburbs, since the neighborhood's been turning black anyway.

Q. How many black people does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. "My people have been changing lightbulbs for five hundred years! We think it's high time everybody else started changing there own lightbulbs (and ours, too!)

Q. How many Asians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. CRASH!!! "What lightbulb?"

Q. How many racists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. It is impossible to know the answer to this question. Racists always deny that they are in fact racists. ("I'm not a racist, but..." or "Relax, it was just a joke.")


Back to Top




Weird Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many lightbulb jokes does it take to change a lightbulb joke?
A. The probability that a given lightbulb joke will be submitted online in any given week is 0.4 (with a variance of 0.0125), and the probability that it will have changed detectably since the last submission is 0.2 (variance of 0.0375). Therefore (assuming independence, which is reasonable, since no submitter of online lightbulb jokes ever seems to know it has been submitted before), the probability that any particular lightbulb joke will change within a given week is 0.08. So, it takes 12.5 lightbulb jokes ( ± 2.8) to change a lightbulb joke.

Q. How many random monkeys banging on typewriters does it take to write a lighbulb joke?
A. Well, the assumption is that, given an infinite amount of monkeys, typewriters, and time, an infinite amount of lightbulb jokes will be randomly typed. So logically, if you divide an infinite amount of monkeys by an infinite amount of jokes, the answer is one monkey.


Back to Top




Changing vs. Screwing Lightbulb Jokes

Q. How many friut flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Two, but how did they get in there?

Q. How many fraternity brothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Three; one to do it, and two to tell him how good of a job he did afterwards.

Q. How many sorority sisters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Sorority sisters don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in puddles of vomit.

Q. How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. Just how big is this lightbulb, anyway?


Back to Top




Back to Humor Section


Back to Main