Yossarius's Dungeon
Rules to Live By
1) Murphy was an optimist.
2) Nothing can be made fool-proof; fools are too persistent.
3) Making any product idiot-proof is a good way to insure that only idiots will use it.
4) The smarter you are, the more you find yourself surrounded by stupid people.
5) Any dropped tool will come to rest in the most inconvienent location possible.
6) If you are in a good mood, just wait.
7) The odds of you being seen in public are inversely proportional to your desire to be seen.
8) All human interaction can be compared, more or less, to war.
9) Happiness is like water during a drought: every drop you get is a drop you are keeping from someone else.
10) Fear of rejection and addiction to sex has a funny way of disguising itself as love.
11) Underneath the grand themes expressed in all art lies the idea that the artist had nothing better to do that day.
12) For every obstacle you overcome today, at least a dozen people are creating new obstacles for you to deal with tomorrow.
13) If you think things are going well, you obviously aren't paying attention.
14) Ain't acutally is a word; you just don't know its proper usage.
15) Reality entertainment is neither realistic nor entertaining.
16) If you feel like your life is a constant battle against impending doom, just remember: these are the best years of your life.
17) The odds of your toast landing buttered-side down increase with the cost of the carpet.
18) Every solution breeds new problems.
19) One out of every ten people is having sex right now. If you're reading this, you are not #10.
20) Children should be seen and not heard; then again, so should everybody else.
21) Men & women will never see each others as equals so long as sex is a commodity.
22) Happiness is the ability to ignore reality.
23) People suck.
24) Absense makes the heart grow fonder. But, then again, you can't fuck absense, can you?
25) All telephones are engineered to ring at the most inopportune moment.
26) The most severe pain the human body is able to survive is a really bad ice cream headache.
27) Telling a man he is a nice guy (and meaning it) is a sure-fire means of insuring that he not get laid anytime soon.
28) Marriage is a very romantic way of say, "Here, have half of my stuff, and by-the-way, please don't have sex with anyone else but me."
29) It is generally a bad idea to let any inanimate object know you are in a hurry.
30) Chicken Little only has to be right once.
31) If you're not the lead dog in the dog sled team, the view never changes.
32) Interchangeable parts rarely are.
33) Help a man when he is in trouble, and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
34) The trouble with resisting temptation is it may never come your way again.
35) Life is 6% planning and 98% recovering from chaos.
36) There are two kinds of people in the world: those who believe in there being two kinds of people, and those who don't.
37) Sex appeal in 1/3 what you have and 2/3 what people think you have.
38) A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
39) People will believe anything if they hear you whisper it to someone else.
40) Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
41) Anyone who says "Things couldn't possibly get any worse!" deserve what they get.
42) Anyone who likes sausage or respects the law should never see either being made.
43) If everyone around you is panicking, but you're not, maybe you don't know what's going on.
44) Multiply all time measurements by four.
45) The man who said, "Money can't buy happiness," obviously didn't make commercials.
46) Being very good at your job will only encourage your less capable co-workers to dump their work in your lap so they can go socialize with the boss.
47) Any difficult situation will continue only until you adjust to it.
48) Any adult woman whose father still refers to her as "Princess" probably thinks she is one, and should be avoided at all cost.
49) Anyone who says "I'm sorry" more than twice a day, or more than twice for the same thing, never means it.
50) Real men never have to qualify being a real man.
51) The most common mistake made by intelligent people is to refuse to accept how stupid the world really is.
52) If x (a positive number) represents the level of stupidity of the average citizen of a country, and y (also a positive number) represents the population of said country, than democracy is the theory that x times y is less than x.
53) If pro is the opposite of con, does that mean that congress is the opposite of progress?
Back to Humor Section
Back to Main