How I'll Become an American
I have been Hungarian for 38 years. I'll try something else for
the next 38. I'll try to be an American, for instance, North American,
I mean. As an American, I'll speak English fluently. I'll make American
mistakes instead of Hungarian mistakes and I'll call them slang.
As an American, I'll have a credit card. Or two. I'll use
and misuse them and have to pay the fees. I'll apply for other cards right
away.Golden Visa. Golden American. Golden Gate. And I'll buy a car, a great
American car. Then I'll sell my car and buy a smaller West German car because
it's reliable and doesn't use so much gasoline. Later, I'll sell it and buy
a smaller Japanese car with a computer aboard. Then I'll sell it and buy a
camper. When I sell the camper I'll buy a bicycle.
As an American, I'll buy a dog. And a cat. And a goat. And a white
whale. And also some big stones as pets.
I'll live in my own house. It will be mine, except for the 99 percent
mortgage. I'll sell my house and buy a condo. I'll sell my condo and
buy a mobile home. I'll sell my mobile home and buy an igloo. I'll sell
my igloo and buy a tent. As an American, I'll be clever: I'll sell my
igloo and buy a tent when I move to Florida from Alaska.
Anyway, I'll move a lot. And I'll buy the best dishwasher, microwave,
dryer and hi-fi in the world - that is, the USA. I'll have warranty for all -
or my money back. I'll use automatic toothbrushes, egg boilers and garage
doors. I'll call every single number starting 1-800.
I'll buy the fastest food I can get and I'll eat it very slowly
because I'll watch TV during the meals. Of course, I'll buy a VCR. I'll watch
the taped programs and then retape. Sometimes, I'll retape first.
As an American, I'll have an answering machine too. The outgoing
message will promise that I'll call you back as soon as possible, but
it won't be possible soon.
If I answer the phone as an exception, I'll tell you that I can't
talk now because I have a long-distance call on the other line but I'll call
you back as soon as possible ( see above ).
And I'll get a job. I'll always be looking for a better job, but
I won't get the job I want. I'll work really hard since as an American I wanna
be rich. I'll always be in a hurry: Time is Money. Unfortunately, my time
won't be worth as much money as my bosses' time. Sometimes, I'll have
some time and I still won't have enough money. Then I'll start to hate
the wisdom of this saying.
As an American, sometimes I'll be badly depressed. I'll be the patient
of 12 psychiatrists, and I'll be disapointed with all of them. I'll try
to change my life a little bit. I'll try to exchange my wives, my cars, my
lovers, my houses, my children, my jobs and my pets.
Sometimes, I'll exchange a few dollars into other currencies and I'll
travel to Europe, Hawaii, Tunisia, Martinique and Japan. I'll be
happy to see that people all over the world are jealous of us Americans.
I'll take at least 2000 snapshots on each trip. I'll also
buy a video camera and shoot everywhere. I'll look at the tapes, photos and
slides, and I'll try to remember my experiences when I have time and am in
the mood. But I won't have time or be in the mood because I'll get
depressed again and again.
I'll smoke cigarretes. Then I'll be afraid of cancer and I'll stop.
I'll somke cigars. And opium. I'll take a breather and then try LSD and
heroin and cocaine and marijuana. To top it all off: crack. I'll try to stop
but I won't be able.
I'll call 1-800-222-HELP. If nothing helps, I'll have some gay
experiences. And swing. And if I am still unhappy, I'll make the final
effort: I'll try to read a book. I'll buy some best sellers. I'll prefer
James A. Michener. My second favorite will be the "How to Be Rich in
Seven Weeks". I'll try to follow this advice in seven years.
I'll always be concerned about my health as an American. I won't eat
anything but health food until I get ill. From time to time, I'll read
in the paper that I should stop eating meat, sugar, bread, fiber,grains,
iron, toothpaste, and that I should stop drinking milk, soda, water, acid
rain. I'll try to follow this advice, but then I'll read in the paper that
I should do it the other way around.
I'll be puzzled. "Hey, I don't even know what cholesterol is !". Yet,
I'll stick to decaf coffe, sugar-free cookies, salt-free butter and lead-
free gasoline. I'll believe that proper diet and exercise make life longer.
I'll go jogging everyday until I am mugged twice and knocked down three times.
Then I'll just exercise in my room but it will also increase my appetite.
I'll go on several diets, and little by little I'll reach 200 pounds.
As an American, I'll bu a new TV every time a larger screen
appears on the market. In the end, the screen will be larger than than
room. It will be difficult to put this enormous TV into my
living room; thus, I'll put my living roon into the TV. Anyway, my living
room will look very much like the living rooms you can see on the screen.
My life won't differ from the lives you can see on the soaps: nobody
will complain. I won't complain either. I'll always smile.
After all, we are Americans, aren't we ?.
Hilarious Answering Machine Messages
"You've reached the B&D hotline. All our operators are tied-up right now,
so if you leave a name, number, a list of transgressions and bark like a dog,
we'll get right back to you with your penance."
"Hello, this is Ron. I'm not home right now, but I can take a
message. Hang on a second while I get a pencil."(background noise -
open a drawer and shuffle stuff around.)"OK, what would you like me
to tell me?"
"Epicentre of the Universe, God speaking."
"Hartland home for lost whores."(that was Hartland CG)"Da, zis
iz Ivan: do you have zee secret information, Boris?"
"Pentagon command: transmit destruct sequence (pause) sequence correct:
T minus one minute and counting"
And then there was one phone we didn't use, with a number one off that of the local
take-out. With my, non-British, accent I had some great fun with that phone.
Kemosabe no in tipi now. You leave'um message after little smoke signal,
and Kemosabe get back for pow-wow real fast.
Also, on the subject of answering machins, my favorite tape was:
"This is Jeff, you're not in now so I'll leave a message."
Really confused people.
A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler
in the 23rd Century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the
future.
Hello. Lindsey's not home now this is his domestic droid speaking.
I'm not programmed to answer the phone, so just leave a message, and
Lindsey will get back to you as soon as possible.
"Hi! You have reached 579-7599. This is an answering machine. This is the
Eighties. You know what to do."
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave
your name and number we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
Ring, Ring:
The number you have xxx-xxxx (your number) has been changed, the
new number is xxx-xxxx (again, your number). CULATA!
"Hello, and welcome to Answering Machines of the Rich and Famous! (your name
here) can't come to the phone right now, because he's
spending the week in his beautiful summer home on the French Riviera."
My favorite message that I ever had was the *real* message I recorded
off 1-800-CALL-SPY, the U.S. army snitching network. Try it, its a great
recording (call after 5 pm for the message).
In the background can be heard springs creaking and various moans.
(Husky, Soft female voice is best) Hi,. You've just reached {name}
pleasure palace. We're all busy as I'm sure you can tell but when we're done.
we'll get back to you in whatever way we can. (Beep)
You wouldn't believe how much explaining my mother wanted on that one.
[b.g. music is frantic, violin oriented]
"hello. you have reached xxx-xxxx. we are currently unable to answer
because we are either chasing, or being chased by, bats. please leave
a message."etc.
"Speak, worm!"(Beep)
Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
"You know what to do at the tone."(Beep)
"Hello?"(Beep)
This confuses anyone who doesn't know you.
"Hello, I'm not here."(Beep)
A friend of mine used this one last summer. I always answered it with
"Okay, that's all I wanted to know."
(in an Italian mafia-style tone:)
"Hello. I can't come to the phone right now. Me and Guido are trying to
stuff a body in the trunk. I think we're going to have to size it a
little. (aside) HEY GUIDO! GET THE CHAINSAW! Anyways, leave your name
and a message. If I like it, you'll hear from me. If not, _you'll_hear_
from_Guido! ( a little laughter )."
(To the tune of"Heartbreak Hotel"with appropriate instrumental accompaniment)
I just left home baby, I'll be out fer a spell
and if you don't leave a message baby, you can go to (Beep)
Hello, this is (insert your name here). I'm home right now, and in
a few moments, I'll have a decision to make. BEEEP!
[Theme from"Indiana Jones"in the background.]
You've reached the residence of John and Tom. We can't
come to the phone right now, because we're cleaning the
refrigerator. Please leave your name and number, and
we'll get back to you. [Theme from"Indiana Jones"continues until the beep.]
Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his
refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick
your message to myself with one of these magnets.
FOXTROT-LIMA-ALPHA-SIERRA-HOTEL. KEY-DESTRUCT-SEQUENCE-NOW.
THIS-TERMINAL-ALSO-ACCEPTS-VOICE-MESSAGES. ~~~
How do you leave a message on this thing? I can't understand
the instructions. Hello. Testing 1 2 3. I wonder what happens
if I touch this. YOW!!
Don't you do it! Don't you dare! I don't want to hear it!
Don't you beep! If you beep, I'll. don't even think about it!. Don't.!
After the tone, leave your name, number, and tell where you left
the money. I'll get back to you as soon as it's safe for you to
come out of hiding.
Prepare for alpha test of Beep Software revision 1.05. Counting
down to test: 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on
reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone. the
telephone is next to an answering machine. you hear a faint
click and a light flashes on the answering machine. you hear a beep.
You're growing tired. Your eyelids are getting heavy. You feel
very sleepy now. You are gradually losing your willpower and
your ability to resist suggestions. When you hear the tone you
will feel helplessly compelled to leave your name, number, and a
message.
No! NO! Not THAT! Anything but that! Not the beep! No!
Please! Not the beep! Anything but the beep!
AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Thanks for calling Dial-A-Shrink. I can't come to the phone
right now, so after the tone, please leave your name and number,
then talk briefly about your childhood and tell me what comes to
mind when you hear the following words: orange. mother.
unicorn. penis. I'll get back to you with my diagnosis as soon as possible.
[For Shakespeare lovers only]
So long as phones can ring and eyes can see,
So leave a message, and I'll get back to thee.
[VOICE 1] Answer the phone, please, Hal.
[VOICE 2] I'm sorry, Dave, I can't do that.
Thank you for calling the Confessional Hotline. Father Durway's
not here right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and
confession at the tone, he'll get back to you with absolution as
soon as possible. And remember, confession doesn't count unless
you confess all of your sins in vivid, graphic detail!
Andy Warhol said that one day everyone will be famous for 15
minutes. Well, your 15 minutes was last week, but since you
weren't ready, we gave it to Vanna White. Sorry.
C'mon. you can do it. just a little one. That's the
way. just a little beep, just a little one. C'mon. good
boy. here we go. like this beeeeep, just a little one,
beeeeeeeeeep, c'mon. There you go!
I can't come to the phone now because I have amnesia and I feel
stupid talking to people I don't remember. I'd appreciate it if
you could help me out by leaving my name and telling me
something about myself. Thanks.
I can't come to the phone now because alien beings are eating my
brain. Leave a message anyway, and after the alien beings
assume my shape, one of them will get back to you.
Thanks for calling Dial-An-Asshole. Right now, all our assholes
are busy. After the tone, leave your name and number, and we'll
have an asshole return your call as soon as possible.
Ok, One more time.
This is our answering machine.
This is the message on our answering machine.
.Any questions?
Hi, can I speak to Mark?.Oh, there isn't?.I'm sorry,
I must have dialed the wrong number.
(beep, beep, beep)
The number you have reached,
Seven. Six. Seven. One. Two. Three. Four.
[Use your number here.]
has not been disconnected and is still in service.
Please leave a message at the sound of the tone.
HANS: This is Hans
FRANZ: And this is Franz, and we just want to.
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: But we are not at home, you know
FRANZ: Ya, we are gone
HANS: If you want us to.
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
HANS: You will leave a message after the beep
FRANZ: If you don't leave a message, then you are Girlyman.
HANS: Ya, Girlyman. And we don't talk to Girlyman, you know
FRANZ: So leave a message and we will call to.
BOTH: Pump (CLAP) you up
"Hello! This is 1-800-PRESLEY Yes! 1-800-PRESLEY!
They say the King died 10 years ago, but we know he's still out there
somewhere. So . . . leave your name and number and tell us where
*YOU* saw Elvis!"
"Hi, you've reached 1-900-CALL-BREN, my personal message line where
you can talk to me, Bren. I'll tell you all about how I'm suffering
in between sports seasons and about my part time hobby of being a
power forward for the Portland Trailblazers. I'll tell my deepest
secrets, such as my desire to be kidnapped by short blonde sorority
girls wearing short jean skirts, and you can decide whether or not
I'm wearing pants. Selected callers will get to talk to me live.
Since you're not one of them, leave your own personal secret at the
beep."
In a vaguely phoneco-operator voice:"I'm sorry, you have reached an
imaginary number. Would you please rotate your telephone by ninety
degrees and try your call again."
A few people even got the joke.
"You have just dialed into the North American Air Defense Contract Center.
Stand by at the tone to give coordinates and destination of incoming bogey.
TNR Surveillance will scramble. If you do not respond, this unit will assume
incoming, non-important."
"Sherwood forest, which dear do you want?"
"Lucifer speaking, who in the hall do you want?"
"Heaven, God speaking."
"Bridge, Kirk here."
"City Morgue, you kill 'em, we chill 'em; You stab 'em, we slab 'em!"
"Thank you for calling Soviet Embassy. No KG. Er, no diplomats are
able to answer phone, so at sound of capitalist tone, leave name,
telephone number, and short description of secrets you wish to sell."
"I've set up my answering machine so that when anyone calls, they
here a busy signal."
If you are a burgler, then we are probably at home but can't come
to the phone right now
Otherwise, we probably aren't at home.
The number you've dialed is purely imaginary, multiply by i and dial again!
This is you-know who.
We are you-know-where.
Leave your you-know-what you-know-when.
"I'm Morley Safer."
"I'm Harry Reasoner."
"I'm .
"And I'm"(the guy whose answering machine it was)
"We're not home; leave a message."
He had taped the audio of the beginning of 60 minutes; it sounded
very funny.
"Greetings. You've reached Ghengis Kahn's Pornographic FilmsUnlimited.
Fabian, Pat, Rex and Mike are still conducting screentests with potential
leading ladies to star opposite the late JohnHolmes in our upcoming feature
film"It's Not the Size That Counts butWhether or Not You're Alive to Use It.
"If you're interested in a
screen test, or even if you're not, please leave us your name, age,
phone number, measurements, cup size, a brief summary of your work
experience, both off and on the screen, and a brief summary of your
favorite fantasy involving four men, a pair of handcuffs, and a tub of
Cool Whip. Thank you for calling."
Another one I've done more than once is to slowly increase the pitch
and speed of my voice while recording the message to make it sound
like the machine is broken:(start, low pitch, slow)
"Hhhhheeelllllloooooo thheeeerrrrrrre evvvvveerrrryyyboooodyyyy.
(middle, normal)
.home of Veronica, Jaw-Chyi, Mark and Mike. Nobody's home.
(later, high pitch, fast)
.butifyou'dliketoleaveamessageafterthetonethen.
(end, incomprehensible chipmunk gibberish)
.kkfjdkeirucjkljfkldjrioutjkjfdskoreudjfkleqBEEP!"
This is not an answering machine this is a telepathic
thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your
name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach
you, and I'll think about returning your call.
"E'llo."
"My name is Inigo Montonya."
"You killed my father."
"Leave your name and number, and prepare to die."(Beep)
My favorite that I have heard as an answering machine message is also
from this movie. My friend recorded the section that goes something
like:
"I'm writing the definative work on pain, and I would like you
to tell me how the machine makes you feel. Remember, be honest. This
is for posterity."
The message I currently have on my recorder is the output from my Amiga's
speech sythesizer. It's set up as a dialog between two distict, but
recognizably artificial voices. I thought it sort of mediocre myself, but
have gotten quite a number of amused comments about it.
1> Hello, there are no real people here to answer the phone right now.
2> Yeah, nobody but us machines!
1> Right, just us machines, but don't hang up! If you like, you can leave
your name and telephone number.
2> .and a message! You forgot about the message!
1> Right. Leave your name, telephone number, and a brief message after you
hear the beep, and we will keep track of this stuff until the real people
get back.
2> .unless of course, sombody pulls out our plug!
I taped theoperator saying"we're sorry. The number you have reached
has been disconnected or is no longer is service."
From Halloween this year:
(Ominous electronic background music.)
Hi, this is Jim. In honor of Halloween, I'm about to perform
an unspeakable pagan ritual. So please leave a message. Oh,
unless you're a virgin, in which case, why don't you stop by?
(French monologue in the background)
Around the world today, millions still speak French as either
a first or second language. But with your continued support
and help, we can wipe out French in our lifetime. Please leave
a message in English at the tone, and remember, if someone
tries to speak French to you, just say,"non".
Hi, this is Jim. Welcome to my Fun Phone Line, where you can
talk to my answering machine for only $.95 per minute! Please
leave your credit card number at the tone.
Hi, this is Jim. Thanks for calling during my spring pledge
drive. A basic membership is only $30, and a $60 pledge gets
you an"I love Jim Shea "T-shirt. Please wait for the tone,
and thank you for your pledge.
(Use a strong east Indian accent)
Hello, you have reached the existential hotline of (.). I am currently
meditating, but if you leave your name andwhich lifeline you are currently inhabiting at
the sound of the Om, I will send good karma waves and contact you when the stars
align properly.
Oooooommmmmmmmmmmmm.
(heavy panting and breathing in the background), Oh! Sorry,
I can't come (Oh! Yes! Do it to me) to the (Oh!) phone right
now (pant pant), leave your name and number at the
(scream) (I'm gonna come!!!!!) orgasm.
(Cackle) That's right! This is an answering machine! In a few
seconds, YOU'RE gonna have to leave a message! Then we'll listen
to it and decide whether or not we like you anymore! So make it GOOD.
(Background music: Something psychotic sounding, like Revolution 9
(Beatles) or Toccata (ELP))
Hello, you have reached the (Housing Complex) Psychatric Ward.
(Residents) aren't here right now, so LEARN HOW TO COPE WITH IT!
(Gasp) Leave a message at the beep, and we'll discuss your case.
Thanks for calling. NOW GO AWAY! Hahahahahaha oof. (chair
falling over)
(Background: Something spacy, like"A Saucerful Of Secrets"by Pink Floyd.)
(Try to sound like Carl Sagan.)
Who are you? Where do you come from? Why are you here?
(Normal voice)
I don't have the answer to these questions, but you can give ME the
answers at the beep.
"At the sound of the tone, you will be charged $10 for the first
minute and $2 for each additional minute. Please leave your name, phone
number and a message. You may call as often as you wish."
"ahhhhhhhhh.hhhhhhhhhhhhh (heavy breathing sounds, like an
obcene phone call) Oh, shit, you called me! Sorry, leave your
name and number at the beep."
"Hello, this is John's refrigerator, his answering machine's not working right
now, so leave a name and number and we'll get back to you."
(uses a back-woods slow drawl type voice)
"Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm *so*
depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner,
yet all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to
me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep."
"Hello, this is Ron's toaster. Ron's new answering machine
is in the shop for repairs, so please leave your message
when the toast is done . {Cachunk!}"
"Joe and Fred can't come to the phone now because:
(1) Were at an orgy
(2) Terrorists have taken over the building
(3) We saw GOD
(4) The FBI busted our fraterinty /* BIG news around here lately */
"Please leave youre name, phone #, time you called, and favorite
color of underware. we'll get back to you if we like the color."
Here's my favorite, for calling large offices and idiots-in-general:
"Hello, is this the person to whom I am speaking?"
"Hi, this is ______________.I'm not here anymore because I've
committed suicide so if it's about any money I owe you, I'll
see you in Hell!"
"You have reached (recites number here). No one is available to speak
with you right now because we either are not here or don't feel like
picking up the phone. If you are a burglar, we have two hungy dobermans
downstairs for your convenience."
Currently I answer my phone,"Kimona Ackapiecesay!"
>From the AT&T commercial where the guy calls Fiji? I have no clue
as to what it means, but it never fails to confuse people.
My answering machine reads, with spooky music in the background,
or Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor,"Hello. You have reached
xxx-xxxx,otherwise known as the epicenter of the universe. No one is
available right now, but, if you'll leave your name, phone number,
mastercard or visa number, sexual preference, and message, your deity
of choice will get back to you as soon as is. . .humanly possible. Thank
you very much, and have a nice life."
Friend of mine (Known as"K", to protect the innocent - me, not him!)
has anodd one. Picks up phone, says hello, says K isn't here right
now - oh, is that him under the table? No, somebody else. Oh well.
Leave a message, I'll getit to him. (Walkman is playing heavy metal
into machine microphone all thistime.)
( Lick It.Stuff it in)
(Lick it. Stuff it in)
( Lick it. Stuff it in)
As you can hear, John and Cathy are busy mailing
letters, please leave a message at the ton.
Answering machines. Nowadays almost everyone has one, complete
with a snappy message of their own device. Wait for the beep and then read on.
This is a short adaptation of Simon Butler-White's and Clive Archer's
"could-be"phone messages released in Australian Cleo, August 1989.
(Some of them are bit old, Maggie ain't prime minister of the UK, and
Kylie Minogue isn't seeing Jason Donovan anymore, but you'll get the meaning
anyway,I'm sure).
John McEnroe, Tennis Mouth
You dummy! You've called while I'm OUT! Five minutes You've missed
me by ATLEAST five minutes. Are you stupid or what? Can't you get
anything right?You people make me sick! Leave a message and
I'll call you back! BEEP.
Sarah Ferguson, Another Royal
(Giggle) Hello, this is Fergie.er (sound of hand being placed over
receiver and a loud whisper). Andrew! What'sthat title again? What? Oh hello,
this is the Duchess of York. The Duke and I are out skiing, so when you hear
the jolly old pip pip, leave your message and we'll give you a tinkle when
we get back - in November. BEEP.
Elvis Presley, Corpse
Hi. I can't come to the phone right now. Actually I can't do much of anything
right now because I've been dead since 1977. But my spirit lives on and if
you'd like to leave your name and number, I'll try to contact you via ouija
board, Madame Zenda or garbled tape recording. This is also the number of
John F. Kennedy, Adolf Hitler, Harold Holt, Lucille Ball, Roy Orbison.BEEP.
Mikhail Gorbachev, Commie Birthmark
Hello. This is Nonoxynol-9, the persona and private telephone number of
Mikhail Vladivostok Gorbachev, General Secretary of the Supreme Council of
the glorious Communist Party of the Union of Sovjet Socialist Republics,
Commander-In-Chief of the Combined Armies of the Proletariat Peoples of
Russia, First Citizen of the Order of Lenin, Supreme Patron of the Soviet
Institute of Literature and Domestic Sciences, President of the Soviet
People's Council of Peace and Happines and Captain of the Kremlin B Squash
Team. But hey, call me Mike. BEEP.
Arnold Schwarzenegger, Thespian
Gutten day to you. Here I'm being on ze set of mein latest moofie. Eet's
the latest moofie in mein strings of mega-hits. First zere was za Terminator,
zen zere was za Predator.zis one's called za Laminator. Eet's about zis
handyman on a mission. Eet's drama. Very funny stuff. You'll chust luff it.
I know you vill. Leaf a messich after za beep. Don't say you can't. Ve haf
vays off making you talk, you know. BEEP.
Margaret Thatcher, Iron Woman
You have reached the residence of the Prime Minister at No. 10 Downing
Street. When you hear the beep, sit up straight, speak clearly and
distinctly and STOP doodling when you're talking to me! And Dennis, if that'
syou, how many time have I told you abut staying at the club after 9.30?
We've been a very naughty boy, haven't we? BEEP.
"Thank you for calling XXX-XXXX. If you wish to speak to Tim push 1 on your
touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn push 2 on your touch tone
phone now. If you have a wrong number push 3 on your touch tone phone now.
All of this button pushing doesn't do anything but it is a good way to work
off anger and makes us feel like we have a big time phone system."
Eat a live frog, every morning, and nothing worse will happen to you all day.
A fly by night leaves no shadow beyond a doubt.
I'll smoke when the pope's wife takes the pill.
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan
them is to use a larger can. (Old worms never die,
they just worm their way into larger cans.)
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. --Herb Caen
There's insanity in my family; starting with me, tonight.
You're just a hangnail on the fickle finger of fate.
How much does it cost to ride an IO bus? 2 Bits.
How do you make a Red VW Micro-bus universal? Take it Touring the States.
What is the biggest problem with implementing a Jerry Ford simulator
in 4K of core on a PDP8?
Figuring out what to do with the other 2K.
Designed with your mind in mind by people who have in mind what you
should have in mind.
"That we can comprehend the little we know already is mindboggling
in itself." -- Tom Gates
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
Hell hath no fury like a woman beaten out of a million dollars.
There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream.
When the only tool you have is a hammer, it is tempting to treat
everything as if it were a nail.
Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits.
"We are getting into semantics againIf we use words, there is a
very grave danger they will be misinterpreted."
-- H. R. Haldeman, testifying in his own defense.
Person who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought.
Long computations which yield 0 (zero) are probably all for naught.
Person who arrives at party two hours late will probably find he has
been beaten to the punch.
When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling dopey.
President Ford has noted that there are too many economic pundits
and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
It's clever, but is it art?
Worth seeing? Yes, but not worth going to see.
The hardest thing to disguise is your feelings when you put a lot of
relatives on the train for home.
It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you.
Nobody can be as agreeable as an univited guest.
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.
Love the sea? I dote upon it - from the beach.
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with two eyes.
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone.
A bore is a person who talks so much about itself that you can't talk
about yourself.
He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue.
He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle.
He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to
meet the boat.
Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally
promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time
they make a law it's a joke.
It got to a point where I had to get a haircut or a violin.
-- F.D.R.
A radical is a person with both feet firmly planted in the air.
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
Someday somebody has got to decide whether the typewriter is the
machine, or the person who operates it.
A soft drink turneth away company.
There is no time like the pleasant.
What is my loftiest ambition? I've always wanted to throw an egg at
an electric fan.
Conversation is the slowest form of human communication.
Fate tried to conceal him by naming him Smith.
Lady A: Mr. C, you are quite drunk.
Mr. C.: And you are very ugly, but indisputably in the morning I will be
quite sober.
People who's et onions is no judge of who's et onions and who aint.
If you want to commit suicide you can use my razor; it's electric,
but you can hang yourself with the cord.
Here comes phil bringing with him the constant promise of joy and
fulfilment in its most primative form.
Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is
done by children.
Your ignorance cramps my conversation.
About all some parents accomplish in life is to send a child to Harvard.
Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own.
Only someone with nothing to be sorry for smiles back at the rear of
an elephant.
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
If you think before you speak the other guy gets its joke in first.
The only way to amuse some people is to slip and fall on an icy
pavement.
Charity: a thing that begins at home and usually stays there.
A conservative is one who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Do not take life to seriously; you will never get out if it alive.
About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in
favor of the plain people is the stork.
It's not peace I want, not mere contentment. It's boundless joy
and ecstasy for me. -- Kugell
Liar: One who tells an unpleasant truth.
Lisp: To call a spade a thpade.
Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending not to
be aware of it.
Nothing succeeds like -- failure.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get
up in the morning, and does not stop until you get into the office.
Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and
can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying
it.
Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in.
It's a funny thing that when a person hasn't got anything on earth to
worry about, it goes off and gets married.
A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one
part of his body - the wishbone.
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another
woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
There is one thing more exasperating than a spouse who can cook and
won't, and that's a spouse who can't cook and will.
Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down.
Reality is good for you.
...in small doses.
The fruits of impatience are bitter.
Those who in quarrels interpose must often wipe a bloody nose.
Do you think your mother and I should have lived comfortably so long
together if ever we had been married?
I give presents to the mother, but I think of the daughter.
Every absurdity has a champion to defend it.
Genius is the talent of a person who is dead.
Religions revolve madly around sexual questions.
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; what I said was all
saloonkeepers were Democrats.
Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it.
The famous politician was trying to save both his faces.
Every person is wrong until they cry, and then they are right, instantly.
Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention.
Sex is nature's way of saying Hi!'.
I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on a sports jacket and take off my brain.
We learn from history that we do not learn anything from history.
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading
one, so I woke up from sheer boredom.
Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists.
Have you locked your file cabinet?
Security is the individual's responsibility.
Identify your visitor.
Don't gamble with security.
Prevent security leaks.
Security is your responsibility.
An ounce of security is worth a pound of defense.
Classified material requires proper storage.
Concentrate on security.
Biggest security gap - an open mouth.
Be careful! Is it classified?
Be security conscious - National defense is at stake.
National security is in your hands - guard it well.
Don't guess - check your security regulations.
Regnant populi. (The people rule.)
Pregnant ropuli. (The snake will soon lay eggs.)
Ditat Deus. (God enriches.)
Post proelium, praemium. (After the battle, the reward.)
Facta, non verba.
Sum quod eris. (I am what you will be.)
Auribus teneo lupum. (I hold a wolf by the ears.)
Vigilia pretium libertatis. (Eternal vigilance is the price of
liberty.)
Populus vult decipi. (The people like to be deceived.)
Fidelity: A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
Forgetfulness: A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation
for their destitution of conscience.
Lighthouse: A tall building on the seashore in which the government
maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician.
"Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading
Freud.
Philosopy: unintelligible answers to insoluble problems.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
"All of the animals except man know that the principal business of
life is to enjoy it."
"Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to
sell it."
"Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a person of some sense to
know how to lie well."
America is the country where you buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for
one dollar, and use it up in two weeks.
The good die young - because they see it's no use living if you've
got to be good.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble is sex.
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire
to change his bed.
Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing,
but I couldln't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Acquaintance: a person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but
not well enough to lend to.
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
people to approach printed matter with distrust.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible
worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
America's best buy for a nickel is a telephone call to the right person.
In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of
the enemy.
He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered.
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
For people who like that kind of book, that is the kind of book they
will like.
It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead.
Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping a rose petal down the
Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo.
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was
human nature.
He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose.
That must be wonderful! I dont understand it at all.
The plural of spouse is spice.
There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me.
There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United States; of
course, I am speaking only from memory.
A gentleman never heard the story before.
Friends: people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.
A holding company is a thing where you hand an accomplice the goods
while the policeman searches you.
In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it.
My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change
her, like a bank note, for two twenties.
Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing.
"When a man says he had pleasure with a woman he does not mean
conversation."
Samuel Johnson
PEOPLE are more fun than Anybody!
Some men are discovered; others are found out.
Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or situations
that can't bear inspection.
There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear.
The time is right to make new friends.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools.
You are going to have a new love affair.
Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all.
Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer
to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an
empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with
pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe
years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of
their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust
persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have
tried it.
What kind of sound does a sub-atomic duck make?
Quark!!
How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a program?
Ten. Nine to hold it down, and one to cut its head off.
Don't let your thoughts get in a rut.
The knife which spreads may also cut.
The only people who listen to both sides of an argument are the neighbors.
With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best.
Absentee: A person with an income who has had the forethought to
remove himself from the sphere of exaction.
Academy: A modern school where football is taught.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
misery of another.
The rising people, hot and out of breath,
Roared round the palace: "Liberty or death!"
"If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; You'll have, I'm
sure, no reason to complain."
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Frosh: "Lemme have a 10-mfd. capacitor."
Salesman: "Will you pay for it now?"
Frosh: "Naw, charge it."
Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. Quit work
and play for once!
He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT.
He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
You can call her an outdoor girl if she has the bloom of youth on her
cheeks and the cheeks of youth in her bloomers.
Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles.
A venerable old Jewish gentleman was day-dreaming while sunning himself
on a bench on the boardwalk at Alantic City. His reverie was disturbed
when another man approached and asked, "Can I join you?"
"What's the matter, maybe I'm, coming apart??"
You will be surprised by a loud noise.
Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you.
He who invents adages for others to peruse takes along rowboat when
going on cruise.
Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal.
Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone.
Today is a good day to bribe a high ranking public official.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down
You have been selected for a secret mission.
Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face.
We had a town idiot back where I came from who insisted that elephant
tusks came from piano keys.
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.
It is a truly wise man who does not play leap frog with a unicorn.
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show
up at the steam fitters picnic.
Even though a man anointeth himself with fragrant oils, he can still wind
up with a broken face.
Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples.
You may have a friend at the Chase Manhattan but at our bank you have
meshpocheh!
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
As goatheard learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by
wrote.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
Love is in the offing, said the homicidal maniac.
People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle.
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
The decision doesn't have to be logical, it was unanimous.
How can you work when the system's so crowded?
You should go home.
Your empty file directory has been deleted.
To iterate is human, to recurse, divine.
HE WHO LAUGHS, LASTS.
Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL.
-- Mae West
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
The universe is laughing behind your back.
The best prophet of the future is the past.
Even the boldest zebra fears the hungry lion.
Money will say more in one moment than the most eloquent lover can in
years.
ONTOGENY RECAPITULATES PHILOGENY -- OR, IS THAT
ONTOLOGY RECAPITULATES PHILOLOGY...???
Stop searching forever. Your TECO buffer is circular.
A good memory does not equal pale ink.
Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him.
As of next Tuesday, LISP will be flushed in favor
of COBOL. Please update your programs.
It's not reality that's important, but how you percieve
things.
Someone is unenthusiastic about your work.
Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you.
It is better to wear out than to rust out.
If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven.
Even the smallest candle burns brighter in the dark.
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn.
Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of
questionable uses.
To be is to do.
I. Kant
To do is to be.
J. P. Sartre
Do be do be do.
F. Sinatra
X
E DU DX takes the place of normal sex!
U
E DU DX takes the place of normal sex!
I wish you humans would leave me alone.
Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.
SA-ITS 903 CONSOLE 81 FREE. 14:56:43
HELP ME, I'M A PRISONER IN A CHINESE COMPUTER TERMINAL!
DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE!
You should go home.
ISE0 - GO AWAY
SOFT SOAP OFTEN HAS A HIGH PERCENTAGE OF LYE IN IT.
-- SALADA TEA
Important: as of next Tuesday LISP will use square
brackets instead of parentheses. Update your files!
Perhaps the purpose of categorical algebra is to show that which is
trivial, is trivially trivial.
He is winding the watch of his wit; by and by it will strike.
I do desire we may be better strangers.
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.
An asylum for the sane would be empty in America.
Council for the defence was prepared to prove: 1) He shot in self defence,
2) The police did it and stuck the gun in his hand, and 3) He was 100
miles away when it happened.
The churches must learn humility as well as teach it.
Few people think more than two or three times a year; I
have made an international reputation for myself by
thinking once or twice a week. -- George Bernard Shaw
Human beings are the only animals of which I am thoroughly and cravenly afraid.
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
If ever I utter an oath again may my soul be blasted to eternal damnation.
Ladies and gentlemen are permitted to have friends in the kennel
but not in the kitchen.
My way of joking is to tell the truth; it's the funniest joke in the world.
Nothing soothes me more after a long and maddening course of pianoforte
recitals than to sit and have my teeth drilled.
There may be some doubt as to who are the best people to have children,
but there can be no doubt that parents are the worst.
When a stupid person is doing something it is ashamed of,
it always declares that it is his job.
If I owned Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell.
What music is more enchanting than the voices of young people when you can't
hear what they say.
I have the most perfect confidence in your indiscretion.
To play billiards well is a sign of an ill-spent youth.
Coney Island: Where the surf is one third water and two thirds people.
Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.
We regard matrimony as a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
May you live all the days of your life.
Never speak ill of yourself; your friends will always say
enough on that subject.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a congressperson can.
His money is twice tainted: 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
If you don't like the weather in New England, just wait a few minutes.
I have never let my schooling interfere with my educations.
When some people discharge an obligation you can hear the report for miles arou
The art of medicine consists of amusing the patient while nature cures
the disease.
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
We continue to overlook the fact that work has become a leisure activity.
Anyone can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
If music be the breakfast food of love, kindly do not disturb until lunch time.
He was of the faith cheifly in the sense that the church he currently
did not attend was Catholic.
If you're not a rogue you should take a libel action against your face.
On Double Beds vs. Single Beds: It isn't the wild ecstatic leap acrossI
deplore. It's the weary trudge home.
Little nips of whiskey, little drops of gin,
Make a lady wonder where on earth she's bin.
Living in the past has one thing in its favour - it's cheaper.
Marriage is an attempt to change a night owl into a homing pigeon.
Now I lay me back to sleep,
The speaker's dull, the subject's deep.
If he should stop before I wake,
Give me a nudge for goodness' sake.
A politician is an animal who can sit on a fence and yet
keep both ears to the ground.
Los Angeles: Seventeen suburbs in search of a city.
To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say,
Is a keen observer of life,
The word 'Intellectual' suggests straight away
A man who's untrue to his wife.
The nightingales are singing in
The orchards of our mothers,
And hearts that we broke long ago
Have long been breaking others.
How can I take an interest in my work when I don't like it?
It's worse than being at the theatre.
He can't think without his hat.
Clov: Do you believe in the life to come?
Hamm: Mine was always that.
It's a useless but absolutely vital precaution.
I'm going into the next room to pack my bags and you'll never see me
again, except at meal times and at odd moments during the day and
night for a cup of tea and a bun.
There are more dead people than living. And their numbers are
increasing. The living are getting rarer.
But you'll never become a rhinoceros, really you wont ...
you haven't go the vocation!
Excerpt from Stanford Political Science Qual:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III.
Report at length on its socio-political effects if any.
The coroner gave you a clean bill of health.
You're so bossy you ought to be milked before you come home at night.
He; He's the best cop in 48 states.
She: It's not 48 any more
He: Oh, who'd we lose?
Don't worry, anyone who gets into the cemetary tonight won't get out alive.
I thank you from the heart of my bottom.
I can't decide whether to throw you overboard or just change the way you look.
Where do you think you are, Civilization?
Speaking of poison, I'll see that you get some fresh breakfast immediately.
If the butterfly had teeth like the tiger it would never make it out
of the hangar.
It is harder for the spider to catch the fly than for the fly to catch
the horse.
To seek it with thimbles, to seek it with care,
To pursue it with forks and hope,
To threaten its life with a railway share,
To charm it with smiles and soap.
Just because a dress is red satin doesn't mean it will come off easily.
Jay: Did you hear the one about the Polish athelete who was so proud
of his gold medal that he had it bronzed?
Banacek: No, how does it go?
Walk this way.
If she could walk that way she wouldn't need to use talcum powder.
Did you know that the attention/patience span of a user is
in inverse proportion to his level in management?
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the
bull by the tail and face the situation -- W. C. Fields
A man's reach should exceed his grasp.
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Haste makes waste.
He who hesitates is lost.
Above all, to thine own self be true.
When in Rome, do as the Romans do.
It is never too late to learn.
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
Good things come in small packages.
The bigger, the better.
There is no point in beating a dead horse.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
He who hesitates is lost.
Act in haste, repent at leisure.
(Look before you leap.)
Two is company, three is a crowd.
The more, the merrier.
...do it well or not at all.
Half a loaf is better than none.
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.
Never judge a book by its cover.
Clothes make the man.
Out of sight, out of mind.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.
Never send a boy to do a man's job.
...and a little child shall lead them.
Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.
Never change horses in mid-stream.
Variety is the spice of life.
Silence is golden.
The squeaky wheel gets the grease.
Practice makes perfect.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
A penny saved is a penny earned.
The love of money is the root of all evil.
There is no expedient to which a man will not go to avoid
the real labor of thinking.
Be kindly affectionated one to another
It's much easier to ride a horse the way he is going.
Belladonna: In Italian, a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison.
A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
(A. Bierce)
Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion
that you do not entertain. (A. Bierce)
Bore: A person who talks when you wish him to listen. (A. Bierce)
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and
as wise as a man's head. (A. Bierce)
Clairvoyant: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing
that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
(A. Bierce)
Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the
foolish their lack of understanding. (A. Bierce)
Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization. (A. Bierce)
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with
the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. (A. Bierce)
Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of
a state religion. (A. Bierce)
Optimism: The doctrine that everything is beautiful, including what
is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and everything right that
is wrong. ... It is hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. (A. Bierce)
A poet who reads his verse in public may have other
bad habits.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
Natural laws have not pity.
Never try to outstubborn a cat
The only difference between the fool and the criminal who attacks
a system is that the fool attacks unpredictably and
on a broader front.
Virtue is its own reward, but then so is sin!
We're all bozos on this bus - Firesign Theater
We're dumber than we look.
Everything you know is wrong.
Why does the porridge bird lay her egg in the air?
You don't understand how radio works. All you have to do is
fade your voice down and queue the organist.
We have met the enemy and he is us. - Pogo
Please engage brain before setting mouth into motion.
Mumble.
You don't need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows. - Bob Dylan
Nintey per cent of everything is Garbage. - P. Sturgeon
There is nothing more difficult to take in hand, more perilous to
conduct, or more uncertain in its success, than to take the lead
in the introduction of a new order to things. - N. Machiavelli
Let's look at the record. - Al Smith
Non illigitum carburundum est. (Don't let the bastards grind you down)
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
The confidence of ignorance will always overcome indecision of knowledge.
One man's bug is another man's feature
He who join nudist club pay no cover charge.
Candy is dandy, but sex won't rot your teeth.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Don't vote, it only encourages them.
Vote for Harris, McCarthy and Prop 14.
The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why is a blonde like a turtle?
A: They both get fucked up when they're on their back.
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer?
A: You only have to punch information into a computer once.
Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
go down on you.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it 'cos she couldn't get channel 9....
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!
Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those
little packages.
Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
head?
A: All you can eat, under a buck.
Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
Q: Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A: They can't find the zipper.
Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings?
A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
attractive?
A: Her ankles.
Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick?
A: Because red means stop.
Q: Why do blondes wear red lipstick?
A: Because red means "Stop, wrong hole."
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been in your refrigerator?
A: By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A: They chip their teeth.
Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: They make good ankle warmers.
Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!"
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A: "All the blondes have gone home!"
Q: What's a brunette's mating call ?
A: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: "Next!"
Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax
now in effect in Canada)
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What is 74 to a blonde?
A: 69 plus G.S.T.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shirts?
A: Tits go in front.
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ?
A: Pack their lunch and send them to work.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1: Introduces themself.
A2: Walks home.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A: Fertilised.
Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilised.
Q: What's the first thing a blonde does after sex?
A: Opens the car door.
Q: How do blondes turn the light on after sex ?
A: Kick open the car door.
Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A: More head room.
Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs?
A: More leg room.
Q: What is the worst thing about sex with a blond?
A: Bucket seats.
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Swans?
Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate before
having sex?
A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
Q: Why do blonde girls have trouble achieving orgasm?
A: *Who cares?*
Q: Why do blonds have orgasms ?
A: So they know when to stop having sex !
Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm????
A1: She drops her nail-file!!!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She say 'Next'
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.
Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
Q: Why do blondes have more fun?
A: Because they don't know any better.
Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
Q: What does a peroxide blonde and a 747 have in common?
A1: They both have a black box.
A2: Both have a cockpit.
Q: What is the difference between a blond and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747
Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: "Is it mine?"
Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill.
Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus,
the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?
A: So they know what day of the week it is.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: But why do brunettes take the pill ?
A: Wishful Thinking.
Q: Why did the blonde have a sore navel?
A: Because her boyfriend was also blond!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the
ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
A: You don't lend the Porsche out to your friend.
Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
A: Butter is difficult to spread.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A: You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a telephone?
A: It costs 30 cents to use a telephone.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a limousine?
A: Not everybody has been in a limo.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde track team and a tribe of sly
pygmies?
A: One's a bunch a cunning runts ...
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your best friend borrow your toothbrush.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
A: Your job still sucks after 6 months.
Q: What's the difference between a blond having her period and
a terrorist?
A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.
Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
won't follow you around for a week.
Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common ?
A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spagetthii have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: Why did the deaf blond sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Don't tell her to swallow.
Q: Why did the blonde chick drown in the pool ?
A: Someone left a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.
Q: Why do blonds have square boobs?
A: Because they forgot to take the tissues out of the box.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.
Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
A: "Nice tits!"
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
Q: Why do blondes have legs?
A1: So they don't get stuck to the ground.
A2: To get between the bedroom and the kitchen.
A3: So they don't leave trails, like little snails.
Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn around
and come home?
A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was a
television.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A: The Blonde!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: Why do blondes always die before help arrives?
A: They always forget the 11 in 9-1-1.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked
up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
A: Sweet Fuck All...
Q: What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
Q: What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
A: Last year's hide-and-seek champ.
Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A labrador.
Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Doughnut seeds!"
Q: Why do blonds have two more brain cells than a cow ?
A: So they don't shit everywhere when you pull their tits.
Q: Why don't blonds breast feed?
A: Because they always burn their nipples.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The back of her head.
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A1: So brunettes can remember them.
A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: What did the blonde do when she got her period?
A: Looked around for the bastard that must have shot her?
Q: Why do blondes have periods?
A: They deserve them
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just _love_ nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
Q: How do you drive a blonde crazy?
A: Give her a bag of M&Ms and tell her to alphabetise them.
Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see
where the sun went ? It finally dawned on here.
A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
"CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she
had cleaned 43 restrooms.
How about the suicide blonde,
she dyed by her own hand.
A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette
says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops,
looks up, and says, "Where?"
A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?
Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
people were leaving.
A cop stops a blonde woman who was driving down a motorway.
"Miss, may I see your driver's licence please?"
"Driver's licence? What's that?..."
"It's a little card with your picture on it."
"Oh, duh! Here it is..."
"May I have your car insurance?"
"What's that?..."
"It's a document that says you are allowed to drive the car."
"Oh this? Duh! Here you go..."
The cop then takes his dick out of his pants, while the blonde
exclaims:
"Oh no, not another breathalyzer test!"
Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
could do without the ironing lady.
Blonde Wife: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do
without the gardener.
A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of
them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing
a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and
we all fell and hurt ourselves.
What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...
There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead,
and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and
estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to
try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really
tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired
to go on, so she drowned.
The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it.
I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and
starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more
endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even
got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think
I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles,
15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight,
but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.
This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
you finger out, I'll sink?"
Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
and says "Those aren't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
half hour later they were both killed by a train.
The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her about
the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can fuck and
suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
their Mercedes with a coat hanger.
Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
to rain and the top is down!
The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 61 pages. Beginner Books, $3.95
or "A critical analysis of existential determinism among mammals"
A book review by an overzealous English major at Georgia Tech
The Cat in the Hat is a hard-hitting novel of prose and poetry in which the
author re-examines the dynamic rhyming schemes and bold imagery of some of
his earlier works, most notably "Green Eggs and Ham", "If I Ran the Zoo",
and "Why Can't I Shower With Mommy?" In this novel, Theodore Geisel, writing
under the pseudonym Dr. Seuss, pays homage to the great Dr. Sigmund Freud
in a nightmarish fantasy of a renegade feline helping two young children
understand their own frustrated sexuality.
The story opens with two youngsters, a brother and a sister, abandoned by
their mother, staring mournfully through the window of their single-family
dwelling. In the foreground, a large tree/phallic symbol dances wildly in
the wind, taunting the children and encouraging them to succumb to the
sexual yearnings they undoubtedly feel for each other. Even to the most
unlearned reader, the blatant references to the incestuous relationship the
two share set the tone for Seuss's probing examination of the satisfaction
of primitive needs. The Cat proceeds to charm the wary youths into engaging
in what he so innocently refers to as "tricks." At this point, the fish, an
obvious Christ figure who represents the prevailing Christian morality,
attempts to warn the children, and thus, in effect, warns all of humanity of
the dangers associated with the unleashing of the primal urges. In response
to this, the cat proceeds to balance the aquatic naysayer on the end of his
umbrella, essentially saying, "Down with morality; down with God!"
After poohpoohing the righteous rantings of the waterlogged Christ figure,
the Cat begins to juggle several icons of Western culture, most notably two
books, representing the Old and New Testaments, and a saucer of lactal fluid,
an ironic reference to maternal loss the two children experienced when their
mother abandoned them "for the afternoon." Our heroic Id adds to this bold
gesture a rake and a toy man, and thus completes the Oedipal triangle.
Later in the novel, Seuss introduces the proverbial Pandora's box, a large
red crate out of which the Id releases Thing One, or Freud's concept of Ego,
the division of the psyche that serves as the conscious mediator between the
person and reality, and Thing Two, the Superego which functions to reward
and punish through a system of moral attitudes, conscience, and guilt.
Referring to this box, the Cat says, "Now look at this trick. Take a look!"
In this, Dr. Seuss uses the children as a brilliant metaphor for the reader,
and asks the reader to re-examine his own inner self.
The children, unable to control the Id, Ego, and Superego allow these
creatures to run free and mess up the house, or more symbolically, control
their lives. This rampage continues until the fish, or Christ symbol, warns
that the mother is returning to reinstate the Oedipal triangle that existed
before her abandonment of the children. At this point, Seuss introduces a
many-armed cleaning device which represents the psychoanalytic couch, which
proceeds to put the two youngsters' lives back in order.
With powerful simplicity, clarity, and drama, Seuss reduces Freud's concepts
on the dynamics of the human psyche to an easily understood gesture. Mr.
Seuss' poetry and choice of words is equally impressive and serves as a
splendid counterpart to his bold symbolism.
WRITTEN EXAMINATION TO QUALIFY FOR CORNELL UNIVERSITY ADMINISTRATIVE POSITIONS
Time Limit: 3 WKS
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture,
literature, law and social conditions-OR-give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to (a) build a bridge, (b) sail the ocean, (c) lead an army or (d)
WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (a) Jewish, (b) Catholic, (c) Hindu, (d) Polish, (e) Agnostic (check only
one)
5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in AmericaUs far north called? (a) Westerners, (b) Southerners, (c) Northerners
9. Spell -- Bush, Carter and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the
previous five.
11. Where does rain come from? (a) MacyUs, (b) a 7-11, (c) Canada, (d) the sky
12. Can you explain EinsteinUs Theory of Relativity? (a) yes, (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium-OR-spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) New York, (b) Florida, (c) Canada, (d)
Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when
(approximately)? (a) B.C. (b) A.D. (c) still waiting
*You must answer three or more questions correctly to qualify
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something yo find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what your talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull
with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by
accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human brains have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
To see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the lid over the nose.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
The way professors here at Georgia Tech grade their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens
the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
?
LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and
the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student
will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and
- and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.
The Top 10 Philosophy Questions of All Time, Answered!
10. How do I know anything really exists?
Kick it *really* hard.
9. What is the essence of being human?
Not understanding the opposite sex.
8. If a tree falls in the forest, and there's no one there to hear it, does it make a sound?
Not if it lands on a bunch of pillows.
7. How do I know I'm not just a brain in a vat, hooked up to a computer simulation of life?
Look in the mirror. If you see a gray, spongy thing in a glass container, you are.
6. Can our minds exist seperately from our bodies?
If they could, we'd just send our minds to class and sleep in every morning.
5. Is there a God?
A billion Hindus can't be wrong.
4. What is the nature of Knowledge?
I'm still trying to figure out the nature of *college*.
3. What is the meaning of life?
All evidence to date suggests it's chocolate.
2. Why get a Philosophy degree?
It's more respectable than a theater degree, but you still get to drink lots of espresso.
1. So, was Kant on drugs or what?
Probably.
Mathematicians
There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who kidnapped
three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's cell and
found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from pocket
trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, and escaped.
The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off the tin
cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good pitching arm
and a new quantum theory.
The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising solution to
the kissing problem; his dessicated corpse was propped calmly against a wall,
and this was inscribed on the floor in blood:
Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. Proof: assume the opposite...
A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and computer
scientist are on a photo-safari in africa. They drive out on the
savannah in their jeep, stop and scout the horizon with
their binoculars.
The biologist : "Look! There's a herd of zebras! And there,
in the middle : A white zebra! It's fantastic !
There are white zebra's ! We'll be famous !"
The statistician : "It's not significant. We only know there's one white zebra."
The mathematician : "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is white on one side."
The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!"
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and
want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good
for your health.
The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. I best to have both so that
when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're
with your wife --- you can do some mathematics.
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:
Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.
Then they were asked this question:
Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?
P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.
M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a
previously solved form.
A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are given an
identical problem: Prove that all odd numbers greater than
2 are prime numbers. They proceed:
Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime,
9 is not a prime - counterexample - claim is false.
Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime,
9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ...
Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime,
9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ...
A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were travelling through
Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are black."
"No," says the mathematician, all we know is that there is at least
one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!"
A Mathemetician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a Physicist.
The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical processes
that occur in spaces with dimensions of 9, 12 and even higher. The M
is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E is frowning and
looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end the E has a terrible
headache. At the end,
comments about the wonderful lecture. The
E says "How do you understand this stuff?"
M: "I just visualize the process"
E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize somrthing that occurs in
9-dimensional space?"
M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 9"
There were once three acedimians, an engineer, a physicist, and a
mathematician visiting a small town for a conference. They found themselves
forced to share a room in one of the most dirty, dingy, and really lousy
hotels that they had ever seen. The room that the had was on the
third floor, and the nearest working bathroom was on the fourth.
Late that night, the engineer awoke, and decided to avail himself of the
lavatory facilities. Going up the stairs, he smelled smoke, and indeed, at
the end of the hall he saw a fire. Finding a hose on the wall, he turned it
on, ran down the hall, and extinguished the fire. He then visited the
bathroom, and returned to bed.
An hour later, the physicist awoke, and felt the call of nature. As he
went upstairs, he smelled smoke, and found that there was a fire. Finding
the hose, he whipped out his calculator, figured out the amount of water
needed to extinguish a fire of that size, calculated the flow rate of the
hose, turned it on for exactly 15.24 minutes, and extinguished the fire. He
then used the bathroom, and returned to bed.
Later still, the mathematician awoke and decided that he needed to use the
bathroom. Going upstairs, he too found the obligatory smoke and the fire.
Looking around in a panic, he found the fire hose. He then said, "Aha! A
solution exists!" And after using the bathroom, he returned to bed.
The guy gets on a bus and starts threatenning
everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!"
So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one person
stays. The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared,
I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!"
And the other guy says; "No, I am not scared, I am e^x"
When considering the behaviour of a howitzer:
A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land
A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there
An engineer will stand there and try to catch it
A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The
mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a beautiful naked
woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every five minutes, I will
move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the
woman on the bed." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust.
"What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the
bed!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist makes a note on
his clipboard and ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and
the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is
a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The
physicist smiles and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for
all practical purposes!"
Engineer, physicist and mathematican are asked to find the value of 2+2.
Engineer (after 3 minutes, with a slide rule): "The answer is precisely 3.9974."
Physicist (after 6 hours of experiments): "The value is approximately 4.002, with an error of plus-or-minus
0.005."
Mathematician (after a week of calculation): "Well, I haven't found an answer yet but I CAN prove that an
answer exists."
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so
much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't
you be like the math department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and
waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils
Mental Stability Examination
Answer each question "true" or "false".
1. I salivate at the sight of mittens.
2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be hit by a horse.
3. Some people never look at me.
4. Spinach makes me feel alone.
5. My sex life is A-OK.
6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit.
7. I like to kill mosquitoes.
8. Cousins are not to be trusted.
9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down.
10. I get nauseous from too much roller
11. I think most people would cry to gain a point.
12. I cannot read or write.
13. I am bored by thoughts of death.
14. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me.
15. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker.
16. I am never startled by a fish.
17. My mother's uncle was a good man.
18. I don't like it when somebody is rotten.
19. People who break the law are wise guys.
20. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend.
21. I think beavers work too hard.
22. I use shoe polish to excess.
23 I love spam.
24. I like mannish children.
25. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
26. I always let people go ahead of me at swimming pools.
27. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
28. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
29. I believe I smell as good as most people.
30. Frantic screams make me nervous.
31. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room full of mice.
32. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis.
33. A wide necktie gathers much mustard.
34. As a child I was deprived of licorice.
35. I would never shake hands with a gardener.
36. My eyes are always cold.
A KEY TO RESEARCH LITERATURE
PHRASEOLOGY ==> EXPLANATION
It has been shown that ==> I haven't bothered to look up the original reference but
Of great theoretical and practical importance ==> of importance to me
While it has not been possible to provide definite answers to these questions ==> The experiment didn't
work out, but I could at least get a publication out of it
The W-Pb system was chosen as especially suitable to show the predicted behavior ==> The fellow in the
next lab had some already made up
Three of the samples were chosen for detailed study ==> The results of the others didn't make sense
Accidentally strained during mounting ==> dropped on the floor
Handled with extreme care throughout the experiment ==> dropped on the floor
Typical results are shown ==> The best results are shown
Agreement with the predicted curve is: a) excellent ==> fair, b) good ==> poor, c) satisfactory ==>
doubtful, d) fair ==> imaginary
It is suggested that ==> It may be that
It is theorized that ==> I think that
It is generally believed that ==> A couple of other guys think so too
It is clear that much additional work will be required before a complete understanding ==> I don't
understand it
Unfortunately, a quantitative theory to account for these results has not been formulated ==> Neither
does anybody else
Correct within an order of magnitude ==> Wrong
Thanks are due to Joe Glotz for assistance and to John Doe for valuable discussion ==> Glotz did the
work and Doe explained what it meant
ENROLL NOW! PERSONAL GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT COURSES
1100 Creative Suffering
EC-6 100 Other Uses for Vaccum Cleaners
1100 Overcoming Peace of Mind
EC-7 How to Convert a Wheelchair Into a Dune Buggy
1102 You and Your Birthmark
H202 Creative Tooth Decay
1103 Guilt Without Sex
H204 Exorcism and Acne
1104 The Primal Shrug
H205 The Joys of Hypochondria
1105 Ego Gratification Through Violence
H210 High Fiber Sex
1106 Molding Your Child's Behavior Through Guilt and Fear
H210 Suicide and Health
H220 Biofeedback and How to Stop It
1107 Dealing with Post-Realization Depression
H302 Skate Yourself to Regularity
H406 Understanding Nudity
1108 Whine Your Way to Alienation
H408 Tapdance Your Way to Social Ridicule
1109 How to Overcome Self-Doubt Through Pretense and Ostentation
H409 Optional Body Functions
1130 "I made $100 in Real Estate"
C800 How to Draw Genitalia
1131 Career Oportunities in El Salvador
C102 Needlecraft for Junkies
C105 Cuticle Crafts
1231 Packaging and Selling Your Child
C110 Gifts for the Senile
1300 How to Profit From Your Body
C606 Christianity and RV Maintenance
1310 Money Can Make You Rich
E406 Repair and Maintence of Your Virginity
1434 Bonsai Your Pet
F234 Looters Guide to American Cities
1342 How You Can Convert Your Room Into a Garage
G105 Sinus Drainage at Home
Name __________________
Phone __________________
* Top ten reasons women date jerks instead of nice guys *
10) More fun to complain about them to your friends
9) Guys who actually like you just aren't challenging or exciting
8) When you do date nice guys, they turn into jerks anyway, so why
not save time and go for the jerk in the first place?
7) All the other women want them, so they must be worth having
6) Won't get as emotionally attached to a jerk, so you'll be more in control
5) Affection means more when it comes from a guy who doesn't normally give it.
4) Guaranteed to cheat on you so someone else can endure his lack of
lovemaking skills most of the time.
3) No need to feel guilty for abusing or deceiving them
2) Jerks will actually tell you when they don't like what you're
doing instead of getting mad at you about it six months later.
1) Looking for someone you can't trust and won't care about too much who
will abuse you mentally and financially, but don't know any lawyers.
* Top ten reasons men date bimbos instead of nice gals *
10) Much easier to prove that you're superior.
9) Less likely to interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own
8) Will let you post intimate pictures of them to alt.sex.pictures
7) More impressed by the thickness of your wallet--even though it's
stuffed with condoms instead of money.
6) Won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O wrestling
to go see "Phantom of the Opera"
5) Won't object to demeaning comments you make in front of 'the guys'
4) Actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind and
personality--now shut up and finish putting on that French maid
outfit."
3) Ability to comprehend spatial relationships so poor that they
really do believe that it's eight inches.
2) Don't understand computers well enough to access Internet and read
what you're been saying about the sociobiological reasons why they
don't like sex as much as you do.
1) Will put up with you
From the Home Office in Metuchen, N.J., The Top 20 Quotes heard at the
Olympic Games:
20. "Max, Get your ass down Here!" - Kerri Lee Gartner, after placing
First in the Women's Downhill
19. "I'm Going to Disneyland!" - Kristi Yamaguchi, after winning the Gold
18. "I do a serious job, and the bosses know they can rely on me for
frozen pucks." - Jean Julien, Official Puck Freezer of the Olympics
17. "I Won't Be Happy Till I Take it All!" - Herscel Walker
16. "I'm a Sexy Kinky Tom Boy..." - sung by Cathy Turner
15. "They're going to have to call it Albertoville." - Alberto Tomba
14. "I'm Sorry. I have failed you." - Midori Ito (to Japan)
13. "Don't Cry Midori, There's always Tomorrow." - The Jaspanese Press
12. "You Have to Be Brave." - John Anduit, Target Changer for the Biathalon
11. "Where Are You Tomba?" - Katarina Witt
10. "I came, I saw, they kicked my Butt,,," - Chris Bowman
9. "I ate some bad fish." - Eric Flame, U.S. Speed Skater
8. "This is not what the olympics are about." - The Anal-retentive
Brittish IOC Spokesman in reference to Eddy 'The Eagle' Edwards
7. "I'll see you at Lillehammer in '94!" - Eddy 'The Eagle' Edwards
6. "Ooooh!" - Scott Hamilton & Verne Lundquist, Figure Skating Reporters
5. "Somebody Took My Glasses." - Faissel Cherrati, Morroco X-C Skier.
4. "Nancy is a very special friend of mine." Paul Wylie, immediately
after the exhibition performace with Nancy Kerrigan.
3. "YOU'RE DEAD, PAUL!!!!!" - Paul Wylie's soon-to-be ex-girlfriend at
Harvard, immediately after the exhibition performace of Paul & Nancy.
2. "Get me the ____ out of There!!!!! I can't ____ Take it
anymore!!!!!!!" - Team USA Goalie Ray LeBlanc after facing 26 shots in
the first period against Tchzeckoslovakia.
And the Number 1 quote from the 1992 Olympic Winter Games at
Alberto... er... Albertville, France is............
1. "There's More to life than this." - Dan Jansen, Olympic Speed
saketr for US after his 2 failed 'runs for the Gold'.
Honorable Mention:
Todd Eldridge for shooting himself in the head after falling down
during his performance on a simple manuver.
Top nine fun things to do aboard the Starship Enterprise:
----------------------------------------------------------
9. Skeet shooting the shuttlecraft
8. Plugging Nintendo cartridges into Data
7. Giving Worf A nuggie
6. Ordering Pizza from Domino's then going 30 min. into the future just
to piss them off (haha, free pizza!)
5. Secretly replacing the Dilithium crystals with New Foldger's crystals
4. Reprogramming the computer to play the theme to Jeopardy during self-
destruct sequence
3. Watching Captain Picard do his Mr. Clean impression
2. Calling down to the transporter room, ask if they've beamed aboard
Prince Albert In A Can
1. Tribble sex!
The Top 10 Subtle Differences
Between Georgia Tech and Hell
-----------------------------
10. People smile in Hell.
9. It doesn't rain in Hell.
8. Everyone has heard of Hell.
7. You can't fail out of Hell.
6. At least you can sleep in Hell.
5. It's more fun getting into Hell.
4. You know there are hot women in Hell.
3. Hell is forever, Georgia Tech just seems like it.
2. You only have to sell your soul to get into Hell.
And the #1 difference between Georgia Tech and Hell...
1. You wouldn't tell a friend to go to Georgia Tech.
This top ten list is taken from the latest engineering t-shirt
that is being offered here at Ohio University. The author is probably a
collective group of students.
Top Ten Reasons To Date An Engineer
1. Extremely Good Looking
2. High Starting Salary
3. Free Body Diagrams
4. Looks Good On A Resume'
5. Can Calculate Head Pressure
6. Help With Your Math Homework
7. Parents Will Approve
8. We Know How To Handle Stress
And Strain In Our Relationships
9. Find Out What Those Other
Buttons On Your Calculator Do
10. The World Does Revolve Around Us...
We Pick The Coordinate System
-- COMPUTER SCIENTIST: A chemical analyssis --
Element: Computerscientistium
Symbol: Cs
Discoverer: Disputed. Alan Turing is regarded by many as the discoverer,
but there is evidence that impure samples were isolated by Charles Babbage.
Atomic weight: Varies, due to the large number of isotopes occurring (see below).
Occurrence: Currently rare, but availability is predicted to rise as
extraction techniques are improved by Universities.
Global distribution is strongly correlated with indigenous deposits of money.
Cost: The rarity of this substance currently makes it rather
expensive, but its intrinsic value is apparently much lower.
Properties:
1. Reactions involving Computerscientistium are very more productive under
pressure. However, the results tend to be unstable, difficult to
reproduce and often require the addition of more Computerscientistium
to remain useful.
2. Reactions have also been observed to be more productive at night, and
generally require the presence of copious quantities of coffee to proceed.
3. In a low pressure environment (eg university research lab), the
substance quickly decays into common isotopes like Hackium, Zorkium,
etc. These substances are completely worthless, and it is extremely
difficult to recover much of the original Computerscientistium.
4. Local concentrations of Computerscientistium are often found around
whiteboards. These devices seem to act as a buffer when
Computerscientistium gets excited or energised, and are able to absorb
much of the energy.
Managers of labs which use Computerscientistium are advised
to fit whiteboards to offices, cars, bedrooms etc, where the substance
is held. This will help to keep it stable.
5. Certain very high-energy isotopes of Computerscientistium, eg
Billjoysium, are popularly reported to give off sparks. This behavior
has not been reproduced under laboratory conditions, but users should
take appropriate precautions just in case.
6. Reactions involving large quantities of Computerscientistium are often
observed to continue in a very excited state for long periods, without
producing anything.
7. Computerscientistium is also highly absorbent, being able to cause
practically any conversation at parties to dry up almost instantly.
It is, though, less absorbent in this respect than Accountantium
(especially the isotope Auditorium)
Uses:
Investigation of the long-term uses of the substance are still underway.
However, some samples have been observed to turn Nothing-Much into large
quantities of money (eg commercial games writers). However, it seems that
Computerscientistium is better suited to the corporate environment, where
it turns large quantities of money into Nothing-Much.
THE COMPUTER EXPERTS GLOSSARY
ADA:Something you need to know the name of to be an Expert in
Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA
awareness."
Bug:An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when
people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
Cache:A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no
one is supposed to know is there.
Design:What you regret not doing later on.
Documentation:Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for
English speaking persons.
Economies of Scale:The notion that bigger is better. In particular,
that if you want a certain amount of computer power, it is much better
to buy one biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of
faith by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected
as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all those
limitations.
Hardware:The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
Information Center:A room staffed by professional computer people whose
job it is to tell you why you cannot have the information you require.
Information Processing:What you call data processing when people are so
disgusted with it they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
Machine-independent program:A program that will not run on any machine.
Meeting:An assembly of computer experts coming together to decide what
person or department not represented in the room must solve the problem.
Minicomputer:A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a
middle-level manager.
Office Automation:The use of computers to improve efficiency in the
office by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee.
On-line:The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
Pascal:A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
Performance:A statement of the speed at which a computer system works.
Or rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored to be
working over in Jersey about a month ago.
Priority:A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often
expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't care
when the work is completed so long as he is treated less badly than
someone else.
Quality control:Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out
of hand and add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
Regression analysis:Mathematical techniques for trying to understand
why things are getting worse.
Strategy:A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until
sometime after those creating it have left the organization.
Systems programmer:A person in sandals who has been in the elevator
with the senior vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone
call you are to receive from you boss. (my favorite!)
How to identify various species of faculty:
Chem Prof: Wears a white lab coat. This may actually be clean
but does not have to be. P-chem profs have a brand new coat that
has never been in the lab; polymer chem profs have strange glop
on their coat, and intro chem profs have acid holes.
Physics Prof: Wears blue jeans and a flannel shirt. May sometimes
forget to wear shirt altogether. If a professor is wearing blue
jeans and suspenders, ten to one he is a physicist. Physics profs
often have German accents, but this is not a distingushing
characteristic. Be wary of psychologists with fake Viennese accents
which can sound similar to the unwary.
Bio Prof: Sometimes wears a lab coat, though usually this is the
sign of a biochemist. Marine biologists walk around in hip boots
for no explainable reason, even in the middle of winter. They
are apt to wear grey slacks and smell like fish, as opposed to
most biologists, who smell strongly of formalin. Microbiology
instructors go around in spotless white coats, refuse to drink
beer on tap, and wipe all their silverware before using it.
Never loan money to a bio prof, no matter how much he asks.
Psych Prof: Psychologists are not real scientists, and can be
easily identified by their screams of protest whenever anyone
questions whether psychology is a science. Psych people have
beady little eyes and don't laugh at jokes about psychology.
If you are not sure whether a person is a scientist or a
comparative religion instructor, he is probably a psychologist.
CS Prof: Most CS profs are from India or Pakistan. You can tell
by the gestures and accents. This is not a bad thing, though many
of the American CS professors tend to pick up Indian accents which
confounds more specific identification. Like mushrooms, CS students
only come out at night, and, if not Indian, tend to take on a
pasty appearance. CS professors do not use computers and therefore
can be easily identified by their comparative good health with
respect to their students. Many CS professors do not even know how
to use computers, and are actually mathematicians or psychologists
in disguise. Avoid these people.
Math Prof: Math profs are like physics professors except without
any practical bent. A math professor will have only books and
pencils in his office, as opposed to the piles of broken equipment
that physicists keep. Mathematicians scorn the use of computers
and calculators and often have difficulty splitting bills in
restaurants. The easy way to identify a mathematician is by the
common use of the phrases "It can be shown that..." and "Is left
as an exercise to the student..."
One night, when his charge was pretty High,
Micro Farad decided to try to get a cute little coil
to let him discharge.
He picked up Milli Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.
They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the Sinewave
and stopped in a magnetic field, by a flowing current.
Micro Farad, attracted by Milli's characteristics,
soon had his resistance at a minimum and his field fully excited.
He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency,
lowered his capacitor and pulled his voltage probe.
He inserted it into her socket, connecting them in parallel
and began to short her shunt.
Fully excited, Milli said "Mho Mho, giv' me mho !"
With his tube operating at maximum peak voltage and her coil
vibrating from the current flow, she soon reached her maximum peak.
The excess flow got her hot and Micro Farad rapidly discharged
and drained off every electron.
They fluxed all night, trying various connection card sockets
until his bar magnet had lost all of his field strength.
Afterwards, Milli Amp tried self induction and damaged her solenoid.
With his batteries fully discharged,
Micro Farad was unable to excite his generator,
so they ended up by reversing polarity
and blowing each other's fuses.
How Long Have You Been Teaching?
1. Do you declare "no cuts" when a shopper squeezes ahead of you in a checkout line?
2. Do you move your dinner partner's glass away from the edge of the table?
3. Do you ask if anyone needs to go to the bathroom as you enter
a theater with a group of friends?
4. Do you hand a tissue to anyone who sneezes?
5. Do you refer to "snack time" as "happy hour"?
6. Do you ask guests if they have remembered their scarves and
mittens as they leave your home?
7. Do you say "I like the way you did that" to the mechanic who
repairs your car?
8. Do you ask "Are you sure you did your best?" to the mechanic
who fails to repair your car?
9. Do you sing the "Alphabet Song" to yourself as you look up a
number in the phone book?
10. Do you say everything twice? I mean, do you repeat everything?
11. Do you fold your spouse's fingers over the coins as you hand
him/her the money at a tollbooth?
12. Do you ask a quiet person at a party if he has something to
share with the group?
If you answered yes to more than two of the above items, you are
hooked on teaching.
If you answered yes to more than half of them, you're probably
beginning to think about retirement.
If you answered yes to more than ten, you'll always be a teacher, retired or not!
Fifty Ways to Hose Your Code
The problem's all inside your code she said to me;
Recursion is easy if you take it logically.
I'm here to help you if you're struggling to learn C,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
She said it's really not my habit to #include,
And I hope my files won't be lost or misconstrued;
But I'll recompile at the risk of getting screwed,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
Just blow up the stack Jack,
Make a bad call Paul,
Just hit the wrong key Lee,
And set your pointers free.
Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just listen to me.
She said it greives me to see you compile again.
I wish there were some hardware that wasn't such a pain.
I said I appreciate that and could you please explain,
About the fifty ways.
She said why don't we both just work on it tonight,
And I'm sure in the morning it'll be working just right.
Then she hosed me and I realized she probably was right,
There must be fifty ways to hose your code.
Just lose the address Les,
Clear the wrong Int Clint,
Traverse the wrong tree Lee,
And set your list free.
Just mess up the bus Gus,
You don't need to recurse much,
You just program in C.
The Perfect Programmer
"No program is that perfect."
They said with a shrug.
"The client is happy..
What's one little bug?"
But he was determined.
The others went home.
He dug out the flow chart
Deserted, alone.
Night passed into morning
The room was cluttered
With memory dumps, microfiche,
"I'm close," he muttered.
Chain smoking, cold coffee,
Logic, deduction.
"I've got it," he cried. "just
change one instruction."
Then change two, then three more
As year followed year.
And strangers would comment.
"Is that guy still here?"
He died at the console
Of hunger and thirst.
Next day he was buried
Face down, nine edge first.
And his wife through her tears.
Accepted his fate.
Said, "He's not really gone,
He's just working late."
DIFFERENT WAYS OF TAKING CARE OF YOUR DISKS
ORIGAMI:
Art of paper folding. In order to obtain a nice and effectiveness result,
put the floppy in the disk drive with strength and without pointing at all
SMOKE:
Of cigarettes or anything that could be burnt. When you are smoking blow
directly to your disk. In that way you will be able to destroy it soon,
and if you are lucky, damage the drive as well.
PIRANHAS:
If you don't have any at home, you can use a stapler, a clip, or simply
write down on the disk label with a hard point pencil or pen.
MAGNETS:
They are wonderful. You can find them in the telephone, in some paper
weights, and stuck on the frige door. If you can't find any, you can
leave the floppies on the printer or on your display for a while, making
sure that they are on.
MAIL:
Put a disk in an envelope and don't write any warning on it; then mail it
to someone, and that's all.
MAGIC TOUCH:
Touch your floppy. As much as you can. If you have marmelade or butter in
your fingers, better. Your floppy will acknowledge it.
DON'T USE ANY ENVELOPE:
Archive them wihtout their envelope, piled under a lot of papers and
manuals (it is better when the manuals are the VAX/VMS OS 1.00 and its new
releases).
DON'T MAKE BACKUPS:
Of course, if you don't have any security copy, you won't have to worry
about how to destroy them once you have lost the original
SUPREME STUPIDITY:
It is the best way of destroying floppies. If you practice it regularly,
you'll find new methods to add to this list.
I got this from Robert Morris, who caught it from a friend, who caught it from a friend ...
NEW VIRUSES:
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people
mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard drive into hundreds of
little units, each of which do practically nothing, but all of which
claim to be the most important part of the computer.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It
warns you of impending hard disk attack---once by LAN. Twice if by C:.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a "virus", but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism".
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of
how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first
see a counselor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before
the whole thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB,
and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you
are getting.
THE MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying
too much for the AT&T virus.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents you system from spawning and child processes
without joining into a binary network.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixy percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of
their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
Real Software Engineers Don't Read Dumps
Real software engineers don't read dumps. They never generate them, and on
the rare occasions that they come across them, they are vaguely amused.
Real software engineers don't comment their code. The identifiers are so
mnemonic they don't have to.
Real software engineers don't write applications programs, they implement
algorithms. If someone has an application that the algorithm might help
with, that's nice. Don't ask them to write the user interface, though.
Real software engineers eat quiche.
If it doesn't have recursive function calls, real software engineers don't
program in it.
Real software engineers don't program in assembler. They become queasy at the
very thought.
Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. This
process doesn't necessarily involve executing anything on a computer, except
perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package.
Real software engineers like C's structured constructs, but they are
suspicious of it because they have heard that it lets you get "close to the
machine."
Real software engineers play tennis. In general, they don't like any sport
that involves getting hot and sweaty and gross when out of range of a shower.
(Thus mountain climbing is Right Out.) They will occasionally wear their
tennis togs to work, but only on very sunny days.
Real software engineers admire PASCAL for its discipline and Spartan purity,
but they find it difficult to actually program in. They don't tell this to
their friends, because they are afraid it means that they are somehow
Unworthy.
Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the job is
described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like using an
undocumented external procedure.
Real software engineers write in languages that have not actually been
implemented for any machine, and for which only the formal spec (in BNF) is
available. This keeps them from having to take any machine dependencies into
account. Machine dependencies make real software engineers very uneasy.
Real software engineers don't write in ADA, because the standards bodies have
not quite decided on a formal spec yet.
Real software engineers like writing their own compilers, preferably in PROLOG
(they also like writing them in unimplemented languages, but it turns out to
be difficult to actually RUN these).
Real software engineers regret the existence of COBOL, FORTRAN and BASIC. PL/I
is getting there, but it is not nearly disciplined enough; far too much built
in function.
Real software engineers aren't too happy about the existence of users, either.
Users always seem to have the wrong idea about what the implementation and
verification of algorithms is all about.
Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and greasy
hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any moment. They have a
great distrust of hardware people, and wish that systems could be virtual at
ALL levels. They would like personal computers (you know no one's going to
trip over something and kill your DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8
megabytes to run their Correctness Verification Aid packages.
Real software engineers think better while playing WFF 'N' PROOF.
Real Computer Scientists Don't Write Code
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
'programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count (and
rarely count accurately; precision is for applications.)
Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are so long
they can't afford the disk space.
Real computer scientists don't write the user interfaces, they merely argue
over what they should look like.
Real computer scientists don't eat quiche. They shun Schezuan food since the
hackers discovered it. Many real computer scientists consider eating an
implementation detail. (Others break down and eat with the hackers, but only
if they can have ice cream for desert.)
If it doesn't have a programming environment complete with interactive
debugger, structure editor and extensive cross module type checking, real
computer scientists won't be seen tinkering with it. They may have to use it
to balance their checkbooks, as their own systems can't.
Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write in
anything less portable than a number two pencil.
Real computer scientists don't debug programs, they dynamically modify them.
This is safer, since no one has invented a way to do anything dynamic to
FORTRAN, COBOL or BASIC.
Real computer scientists like C's structured constructs, but they are
suspicious of it because its compiled. (Only Batch freaks and efficiency
weirdos bother with compilers, they're soooo un-dynamic.)
Real computer scientists play Go. They have nothing against the concept of
mountain climbing, but the actual climbing is an implementation detail best
left to programmers.
Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value, but
they find it difficult to actually program in, as it is much too large to
implement. Most Computer scientists don't notice this because they are still
arguing over what else to add to ADA.
Real computer scientists work from 5 pm to 9 am because that's the only time
they can get the 8 megabytes of main memory they need to edit specs. (Real
work starts around 2 am when enough MIPS are free for their dynamic systems.)
Real computer scientists find it hard to share 3081s when they are doing
'REAL' work.
Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on
future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens
will ever be able to fit on a single planet.
Real computer scientists like planning their own environments to use bit mapped
graphics. Bit mapped graphics is great because no one can afford it, so their
systems can be experimental.
Real computer scientists regret the existence of PL/I, PASCAL and LISP. ADA is
getting there, but it still allows people to make mistakes.
Real computer scientists love the concept of users. Users are always real
impressed by the stuff computer scientists are talking about; it sure sounds
better than the stuff they are being forced to use now.
Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware has
limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are so
poor at I/O.
Real computer scientists love conventions. No one is expected to lug a 3081
attached to a bit map screen to a convention, so no one will ever know how
slow their systems run.
To order WinJokes Volumes I, II, III, IV, or V call (404) 351-1055 or (800) 484-9004 x1055
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
A drinking woman is never a cheap date, but she's usually worth it.
Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
Since the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body...only left-handed people are in their
right minds!
Truth: the most deadly weapon ever discovered by humanity. Capable of destroying entire perceptual
sets, cultures, and realities. Outlawed by all governments everywhere. Possession is normally punishable
by death.
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are unimportant.
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love.
Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
Illness strips away superficiality to reveal reality in etched detail.
Why is it that half the calories is twice the price?
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
It's hard to argue with someone who knows what he's talking about.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding thought.
Man possesses limited intelligence, but alas, unlimited stupidity.
Viruses do to cells what Groucho did to Freedonia.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
I tell you I'm a thief and you call me a liar?
Knowing you, you're probably doing twice as much as is healthy for you.
If it weren't for politicians, who would fashion disorder out of chaos.
My philosophy, like color TV, is all there in black and white.
Politics is nothing more than medicine on a grand scale.
Versatility is no crime, but it is a source of adrenaline.
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise: Where no man has gone before
Grass is nature's way of saying High!
Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
Teamwork is vital! (It gives you someone to blame.)
Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate.
Please disregard the previous fortune cookie.
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the
operating system.
The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
Eschew Obfuscation!
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Do it today, Tomorrow it will be illegal.
In case of fire, yell FIRE!
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Old frogs never die, But they do croak!
Every time I lose weight, It finds me again!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Clones are people two.
Laetrile is the pits.
Got Mole problem? Call Avogadro at 6.02 X 10^23
Neil Armstrong tripped.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code.
There's no future in time travel.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Confucious say too damn much!
Reality does not exist - yet.
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
Satyrs have more faun.
Fauns are never Satyr-sfied!
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Astronauts get missile-toe.
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
If it works, Don't fix it.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
The devil finds work for idle glands.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
Topologists are just plane folks, Pilots are just plane folks, Carpenters are just plane folks, Midwest
farmers are just plain folks, Musicians are just playin' folks, Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks,
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make
a fool of yourself anytime.
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
To order WinJokes Volumes I, II, III, IV, or V call (404) 351-1055 or (800) 484-9004 x1055
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
The answer is 42.
I WANT IT FREE AND I WANT IT YESTERDAY.
Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of statements understood by the
general public.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable cost of errors, or until someone insists
on getting some work done.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Inside every large program is a small one struggling to get out.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone he can blame it on.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
There's never enough time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
Things get worse under pressure.
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the
other ninety percent.
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps to know the answer.
It works better if you plug it in.
In any human endeavour, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, there will be one solution,
simple and obvious, and highly visible to everyone else.
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
He who hesitates is last.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Friction is a drag.
What fools these morals be.
Biology grows on you.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to tell such LIES.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
An elephant is a mouse built to Military specifications.
If it works, Don't fix it.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Gravity brings me down.
When you're up to your hips in alligators,
You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
The difference between dark and hard is ...it stays dark all night.
Are you into casual sex or should I dress up?
It's been so long since I've had sex, I can't remember who gets tied up.
Men come in 3 sizes: SMALL, MEDIUM and OH, MY GOD!
Things work better if you plug them in
To get a loan you must prove you don't need it
To error is human, to blame it on someone else is more human
To regret nothing is the beginning of wisdom
To err is human, to forgive is unusual
When money talks there are few interruptions
Where there's a will, there's inheritance tax
You will never be younger then you are today...& Vise versa
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him.
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
You can lead a horse to water, and if he walks on it patent him
Pity the poor egg: it only gets laid once
Money can't buy happiness but it can certainly rent it for a couple of hours.
The meek shall inherit the Earth after we're done with it.
The knack of flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss. Hitchhikers Guide to the
Galaxy
Love is blind but like is just too freaked out to see straight.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't face drugs.
When guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns. Art Denman
Sex is a disrobic experience
Beam me up, Scotty. There's no intelligent life down here. J.T. Kirk
Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. Albert Einstein
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Don't take life too seriously. You'll never get out of it alive.
Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself.
How much sin can I get away with and still go to heaven?
There is intelligent life on Earth, but I'm just visiting.
Power means not having to respond.
Never kick a man unless he's down.
Everything you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they've been taken out and shot.
To order WinJokes Volumes I, II, III, IV, or V call (404) 351-1055 or (800) 484-9004 x1055
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that you've got it made.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come in?
Everyone needs belief in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
How can I love you if you won't lie down?
I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on.
You can find sympathy between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.
When in charge, ponder. When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.
To err is human. To forgive is unusual.
Only those who attempt the absurd can achieve the impossible.
I'm not going deaf. I'm ignoring you.
I'm the person your mother warned you about.
Love thy enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
God is dead and I want His job.
Work is the curse of the drinking class.
I can tell you're lying. Your lips are moving.
Our parents were never our age.
Nothing was ever accomplished by a reasonable person.
There's nothing more restful than taking orders from fools.
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
In the country of the blind the one eye'd man is king.
He who laughs last has not been told the terrible truth.
It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.
When I'm good, I'm very good. But when I'm bad I'm better. Mae West
I'm really enjoying not talking to you, so let's not talk again real soon, okay?
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide.
You can't fall off the floor.
Death is the greatest kick of all. That's why they save it for last.
Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me. Mae West
I'm not prejudiced. I hate everyone equally.
I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
I used to be lost in the shuffle. Now I just shuffle along with the lost.
Yesterday was the deadline on all complaints.
Work fascinates me. I could sit and watch it for hours.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I worship the ground that awaits you.
The future isn't what it used to be.
I wish you were a beer.
I want to live forever or die in the attempt.
Love means telling you why you're sorry.
Love your enemies. It'll make 'em crazy.
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent.
I'm having a party in my pants. Want to come?
Why be difficult when with a bit of effort you can be impossible?
Perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.
Better dead than mellow.
If I follow you home will you keep me?
A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.
There is no gravity. The Earth sucks.
Bureaucrats do not change the course of the ship of state. They merely adjust the compass.
The difference between meat and fish is that if you beat your fish it dies
It's better to have a gun and not need it than to need a gun and not have it.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word.
Don't think of organ donations as giving up part of yourself to keep a total stranger alive. It's really a total
stranger giving up almost all of themselves to keep part of you alive.
The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your action.
Drink wet cement: Get Stoned.
Kite fliers keep it up longer.
My human experience is just beginning (This one on a little kid's shirt)
If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
An easily understood, workable falsehood is more useful than a complex, incomprehensible truth.
You have a right to your opinions. I just don't want to hear them. (Anon)
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Farmhands Feel Better (ron mcdowell)
Nuke the whales
I'm not cynical. Just experienced.
Ignore alien orders.
I know you think you understood what I said, but what you heard was not what I meant.
I'm not wearing any underwear. Film at 11.
I don't have a drinking problem. I drink, I get drunk, I fall down, No problem.
Save our beaches. Harpoon a fat chick.
It's hard to be humble when you're as great as I am.
I want a meal, not a snack.
Oh shit. You're going to talk to me, aren't you?
Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke.
To order WinJokes Volumes I, II, III, IV, or V call (404) 351-1055 or (800) 484-9004 x1055
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
Kings and Bears often worry their keepers. - Franklin
He's a Fool that makes his Doctor his Heir. - Franklin
Beware of meat twice boil'd, and an old foe reconcil'd. - Franklin
The poor have little, beggars none, the rich too much, enough not one. - Franklin
After 3 days men grow weary, of a wench, a guest, and weather rainy. - Franklin
Men and melons are hard to know. - Franklin
Where there's Marriage without Love, there will be Love without Marriage. - Franklin
Neither a Fortress nor a Maidenhead will hold out long after they begin to parly. - Franklin
An Egg today is better than a Hen tomorrow. - Franklin
He that waits upon Fortune, is never sure of a Dinner. - Franklin
Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public.
Marry your Son when you will, but your Daughter when you can. - Franklin
Approve not of him who commends all you say. - Franklin
Three may keep a Secret, if two of them are dead. - Franklin
Opportunity is the great Baud. - Franklin
Here comes the Orator! with his Flood of Words, and his Drop of Reason. - Franklin
An old young man, will be a young old man. - Franklin
Sal laughs at every thing you say. Why? Because she has fine Teeth. - Franklin
Fish and Visitors stink in 3 days. - Franklin
He that lives upon Hope, dies farting. - Franklin
Let thy maidservant be faithful, strong, and homely. - Franklin
Admiration is the Daughter of Ignorance. - Franklin
She that paints her Face, thinks of her Tail. - Franklin
A countryman between 2 Lawyers, is like a fish between two cats. - Franklin
There are no ugly Loves, nor handsome Prisons. - Franklin
Write with the learned, pronounce with the vulgar. - Franklin
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. - Franklin
Thou can'st not joke an Enemy into a Friend; but thou may'st a Friend into an Enemy. - Franklin
He that falls in love with himself, will have no Rivals. - Franklin
To bear other People's afflictions, every one has Courage enough, and to spare. - Franklin
Learn of the skillful: He that teaches himself, hath a fool for his master. - Franklin
Epitaph on a Scolding Wife by her Husband. Here my poor Bridget's Corps dothe lie, she is at rest - and
so am I. - Franklin
A Plowman on his Legs is higher than a Gentleman on his knees. - Franklin
If your head is wax, don't walk in the Sun. - Franklin
You can bear your own Faults, and why not a Fault in your Wife. - Franklin
The Golden Age never was the present Age. - Franklin
Old Boys have their Playthings as well as young Ones; the Difference is only in the Price. - Franklin
The Proud have Pride - in others. - Franklin
He that is of Opinion Money will do every Thing, may well be suspected of doing every thing for money. -
Franklin
Love your Neighbor; yet don't pull down your Hedge. - Franklin
Love your Enemies for they tell you your faults. - Franklin
Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
To order WinJokes Volumes I, II, III, IV, or V call (404) 351-1055 or (800) 484-9004 x1055
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
It's hard to argue with someone who knows what he's talking about.
Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity.
Reading is sometimes an ingenious device for avoiding thought.
Man possesses limited intelligence, but alas, unlimited stupidity.
Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
Join the Army: travel to exotic distant lands; meet exciting, unusual people and kill them.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm God.
Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
I don't know. I don't care. And it doesn't make any difference.
Those of you who think they know everything are very annoying to those of us who do.
It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools.
If you can't dazzle 'em with brilliance, baffle 'em with bullshit.
If you don't know what you're doing, do it neatly.
Desiderata Found in Old Saint Paul's Church, Baltimore Dated 1692
Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace
there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be
on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their
story.
Avoid loud and agressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy
your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real
possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your
business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not
blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be
cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the
things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden
misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears
are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be
gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the
stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to
you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of
life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and
broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful.
Strive to be happy.
Deteriorata
Go placidly amid the noise and waste and remember what
comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and
passive persons unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your
tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself and heed
well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to
kiss, and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but
that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be
comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment and
despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big
future in computer maintenance.
Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold,
spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself. If you need help, call
the FBI. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with
those persons closest to you - that tomato on your left, for
instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
would scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love, therefore;
it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of
youth, birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan. And let not the sands of
time get in your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good
time, call 555-4321, ask for Ken. Take heart amid the deepening
gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And
reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only
be worse in Milwaukee.
You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be
here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is
laughing behind your back.
Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you conceive
him to be: hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes,
dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to
deteriorate.
HOW TO AVOID COMPUTER DEPRESSION
1. Go do something else for a week, come back, and then read all the new
messages. A major cause of computer depression is calling up every single local
board and checking all the sections for new messages.
2. Find something worthwhile to work on, preferably the program you havn't
worked on in a year or so. Find something new to do to it that will make it
better. Don't let yourself quit until this is done. (Of course, you can take
breaks, but don't work on any other program! It will just get you depressed!)
3. Don't go to get a snack every five minutes. Don't assume the
assembler/compiler will be running for at least, oh, however much time it takes
to watch a TV program, or eat a five course meal.
4. Here's a good time filler that is fun: Go through all of your disks that
havn't been managed in a while, and organize all your programs by type. Get one
blank disk, copy all that will fit of same type programs onto it, put this in a
safe place. Eventually you will have nothing left on some old disks and you can
use those.
5. Dig up all old back issues of FidoNews and cut them apart with your favorite
word processor. Then save each article with a separate name. They make good
downloads if your local area tends to think Fido is a waste of time.
Particularly editorials and funny stories, can raise people's opinion of Fido.
6. Call a long distance board that you have never called before, that has a
good reputation. Not recommended, because it can get you addicted. Try to
download a short, flashy program or text file. This will make it worthwhile.
(I enjoyed dropping by SeaBoard, but bring an unsqueezer.) 1200 baud
recommended.
7. Call an Apple AE line when you know the owner is not there and leech every
funny text file in sight. 1200 baud recommended.
8. Set up a bulletin board disk or disks, just for the fun of it. Stock all
your download areas with favorites from #4.
9. Clean out your hard disk directory.
10. If you are really depressed or heart-broken like Mike Ringer is, crank out
your word processor and tell all. The computer is a very nice friend. It won't
make snide remarks or otherwise put you down. Then stash it in a hidden
directory. Crush all thoughts of uploading it anywhere, people don't really
enjoy hearing your sob stories.
DON'T USE BIG WORDS
In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulations, your
superficial sentimentalities and amicable, philosophical or psychological
observations, beware of platitudinous ponderousity.
Let your conversational communications possess a clarified conciseness,
a compacted comprehensibleness, coalescent consistency, and a
concatenated cogency. Eschew all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity,
jejune babblement, and asinine affectations.
Let your extemporaneous descantings and unpremeditated expatiations
have intelligibility and vivacious vivacity, without rhodomontade or
thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity,
pompous prolixity, psittaceous vacuity, ventriloquial verbosity, and
vaniloquent vapidity.
Shun double entendres,prurient jocosity and pestiferous profanity,
obscurant or apparant.
In other words, talk plainly, briefly, naturally, sensibly,
truthfully, purely. Keep from slang: don't put on airs; say what you
mean; mean what you say; and don't use big words.
TRANSLATION
Asinine : silly
Concatenated: to link together in a series
Descanting: extra part in a song
Double Entendres : expression with two meanings, one not proper.
Eschew: to avoid
Esoteric: understood by only a small select group
Expatiations: to speak more fully
Extemporaneous: without reservation
Jocosity: playfully humorous
Jejune: uninteresting
Obscurant: an opposition to intellectural achievement
Pestiferous: troublesome
Prolixity: boring or lengthy
Prurient: obsessed by erotic thoughts
Psittaceious: ??? (psittacosis is an infectious viral disease)
Rhodomontade: ???
Sedulously: diligent
Thrasonical : boasting or bragging
Vacuity: ??? to waver, emptiness
Vaniloquent: ???
Vapidity : flat, dull or tasteless
Vivacity : full of life
FORECLOSURE LISTINGS - Entire state of NJ available. Investors call...
(New Yorker comment: No, thanks.)
TRAFFIC LIGHT - apparatus that automatically turns red when your car
approaches.
TELEVISION - movies where people don't step on your feet.
MOVIES - television where people don't interrupt with unexpected visits.
TRANSIT COMPANY - group that complains of bad business when all passengers get a seat.
DIVORCE - post-graduate in School of Love.
PLAYBOY - one who shortens the day by lengthening his night.
BACHELOR OF SCIENCE - one who has mastered the science of remaining a bachelor.
PIONEER - early American who was lucky enough to find his way out of the woods.
MAN - a remarkable animal whose head swells when you pat his back.
WOMAN - creature who acts nice to you because she doesn't like
you, or mean, because she does.
PEOPLE - some make things happen, some watch things happen, and
the majority has no idea what's happened.
LOVE - unseen when it comes, but visible when it goes.
SWIMMING POOL - a mob of people with water in it.
SELF-CONTROL - the ability to eat only one peanut.
SALESMAN - man with ability to convince wife she'd look fat in mink.
CANNIBAL - person who likes to see other people stewed.
EGOCENTRIC - a person who believes he is everything you know you are.
FOREIGN FILM - any movie shown in Texas theater that isn't a western.
OPTIMIST - girl who regards a bulge as a curve.
PESSIMIST - man who looks for a pink slip before the money in his
pay envelope.
EPITAPH - a postponed compliment.
IMMIGRATION - the sincerest form of flattery.
MAGAZINE - bunch of printed pages that tell you what's coming in
the next issue.
MIRACLE - something that never happens in our generation.
Technical definitions:
Advanced Technology: It's too complicated for me
Assembly Language: Installation leaflet found inside computer packaging
Delayed: Being re-written
Experience: Obsolescence
Extensive choice: You can order either last year's, this year's, or
next year's.
Fact: This is the way they have done it in the past. Not to beconfused with "This is what is stated in the
manual"
Installed: Sitting in crates in the customer's office
Jargon: What managers talk when they don't know what's going on
Manuals: A form of information available locally, but always out of date.
Modem: An expensive device that simulates the sound of a disconnected phone.
Now available: We reckon we can get it written before they can deliver
your hardware.
Operational: Unpacked from the crates. See "Installed"
Shipped: Moved from the assembly line to the check-out line.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
1) cerebrally challenged : stupid
2) chronologically gifted : old
3) client of the correctional system : prisoner
4) discretionary fragrance : a foreign aromatic substance applied to the body,
such as a perfume or after-shave
5) economically marginalized : poor
6) follicularly challenged : bald
7) hera : female hero
8) himmicane : non-sexist substitute for "hurricane"
9) melanin-impoverished : white
10) member of the mutant albino genetic-recessive global minority : white
11) motivationally dispossessed : lazy
12) non-waged : unemployed
13) person of substance : fat person
14) rectocentrism : the belief that right-handed people, being in the
majority, have the right to dictate the design of the human environment.
15) sinistromanualism : the discrimination against, or oppression of, the
left-handed minority by the right-handed majority
16) vehicle-appearance specialist : car washer
17) waitron : a person of either sex who waits on tables
Chronically challenged : old
Street activity index : crime rate
Post-viability outplacement : death
Fiscally challenged institution : bankrupt savings and loan
Indiscriminate multiple life cessations : mass murderer
Uniculture advocate : Nazi
Residentially challenged : homeless
Aesthetically challenged : ugly
Geological correction : earthquake
Data Processing Definitions
Assumed Decimal Point - Located two positions to the right of
a programmer's current salary in estimating his own worth.
Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output.
Checkpoint - The location from which a programmer must forget in order to be successful.
Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.
Counter - A device over which martinis are served.
Disassembler - An unattended five year old child.
Error - What someone else has made when he disagrees with your computer output.
External Storage - A wastebasket.
Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a
state of confusion.
Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to
go to the restroom but cannot leave the computer.
Floating Point - The absolute limit before floating control is lost.
Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the restroom.
Input - Food, whiskey, beer, asprin, etc.
Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise: "Holy Macro".
Memory Dump - Amnesia.
Programmer - A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing
with inanimate objects.
ACCESS TIME- THE TIME BETWEEN THE INSTANT AT WHICH INFORMATION IS CALLED FOR,
AND THE INSTANT AT WHICH MANAGEMENT EXPECTS THE FINAL REPORT.
ASSEMBLER- ONE WHO DROPS HIS CARD DECK.
BREAKPOINT- THE POINT AT WHICH PROGRAMMER INCREMENTS PAST LAST BIT AVAILABLE.
CHECKPOINT- THE LOCATION FROM WHICH A PROGRAMMER DRAWS HIS SALARY.
COUNTER- AN AREA OVER WHICH MARTINI'S ARE SERVED.
CRASH- WHAT A DETACHED (Q.V.) PROGRAMMER WOULD DEARLY LOVE TO DO, FOR AT LEAST
EIGHT HOURS.
DEFAULT- DE LINE WEST OF WHICH DE STATE OF CALIFORNIA WILL FLOAT OFF TO SEA AT
DE NEXT MAJOR QUAKE.
DETACHED- WHAT PROGRAMMER BECOMES AFTER THIRD DAY WITHOUT SLEEP.
DEVICE- MEDIEVAL TORTURE INSTRUMENT SUCH AS THUMBSCREW, IRON MAIDEN.
DISKETTES- A GROUP RECENTLY FORMED FROM OLD MEMBERS OF THE ROCKETTES.
DOCUMENTATION- A MANUAL WHICH TELLS YOU HOW TO USE A PROGRAM, SYSTEM, OR
UTILITY ONE VERSION AGO, AND WHICH IS NOW UNSUPPORTED.
ERROR- WHAT SOMEONE ELSE HAS MADE WHEN THEY DISAGREE WITH YOUR COMPUTER
OUTPUT.
FIXED WORD LENGTH- FOUR LETTER WORD USED BY PROGRAMMERS IN A STATE OF
CONFUSION.
FLOATING CONTROL- CHARACTERISTIC EXHIBITED WHEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM,
BUT CAN'T LEAVE THE COMPUTER.
FLOATING POINT- THE ABSOLUTE LIMIT BEFORE FLOATING CONTROL IS LOST.
HARDWARE- NUTS, BOLTS, AND CIRCUIT BOARDS "LEFT OVER" AFTER REPAIRMAN HAS
REASSEMBLED CPU.
HOST- PERSON WHO INSISTS ON KEEPING VISITING PROGRAMMER UP UNTIL 4 AM WITH
TRIVIA.
I/O DEVICE- NOTE YOU SIGN FOR THE BANK IN/ORDER TO GET LOAN FOR NEW (OLD) CAR.
LIBRARY- AN ORGANIZED COLLECTION OF OBSOLETE MATERIAL.
LOAD- WHAT YOU DUMP AFTER REACHING FLOATING POINT.
LOW ORDER POSITION- THE PROGRAMMER'S LOCATION IN THE CHAIN OF COMMAND.
MAINFRAME- PRIMARY PERSON WHO JUST GOT SET UP FOR THE BLAME OF THE SYSTEM CRASH.
MICROSECOND- AMOUNT OF TIME NEEDED FOR A PROGRAM TO BOMB.
OFF-LINE- UNCHARITABLE REMARKS PROGRAMMER MAKES TO WIFE OR HUSBAND UPON BEING
PHONED AT 9PM TO COME IN BECAUSE SYSTEM JUST CRASHED.
ON-LINE- PROGRAMMER TRYING TO DEAL RATIONALLY ON PHONE WITH MANAGEMENT AT 9PM.
PERIPHERAL- NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON'T...
PRINTOUT- A DOCUMENT TO VERIFY DATA YOU KNOW IS WRONG ANYWAY.
PROGRAMMER- RED EYED MUMBLING MAMMAL, CAPABLE OF COMMUNICATING WITH INANIMATE
OBJECTS.
SOURCE FILE- ONE WHICH WAS "APPROPRIATED" FROM ONE OF THE COMPETITORS.
SWITCH- WHEN MANAGEMENT CHANGES ITS MIND.
TERMINAL- CONDITION OF DETACHED PROGRAMMER THREE DAYS FURTHER ALONG.
I just received the following "signs" of the spread of inklish:
In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If
you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis.
In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.
In a Bucharest hotel lobby: The lift is being fixed for the next
day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.
In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only
when lit up.
In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for
wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one
should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going
alphabetically by national order.
In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front
desk.
In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the
office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.
In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure
is the job of the chambermaid.
In a Japanese hotel: You are invited to take advantage of the
chambermaid.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
monastery: You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian
and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except
Thursday.
In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the
corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant: Our wines leave you nothing
to hope for.
On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid
red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted
duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.
In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend
courteous, efficient self-service.
Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.
In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big
rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.
Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition
of Aets by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These
were executed over the past two years.
In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking
shape since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.
In a Vienna hotel: In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel
porter.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest: It is strictly forbidden
on our black forest camping site that people of different sex, for
instance, men and women, live together in one tent unless they are
married with each other for that purpose.
In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests
of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby
be used for this purpose.
In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the
latest Methodists.
A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water
has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been played.
In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the
afternoon having a good time.
In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven
city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.
Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride
on your own ass?
On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock
to right.
In the window of a Swedish furrier: Fur coats made for ladies from
their own skin.
On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to
work throughout its useful life.
Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.
In a Swiss mountain inn: Special today - no ice cream.
In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner
if dressed as a man.
In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.
In a Copenhagen airline ticket office: We take your bags and send
them in all directions.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room: If this is your first visit
to the USSR, you are welcome to it.
In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have
children in the bar.
At a Budapest zoo: Please do not feed the animals. If you have
any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.
In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases.
In an Acapulco hotel: The manager has personally passed all the
water served here.
In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find
they are best in the long run.
From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air
conditioner: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm
in your room, please control yourself.
From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of
foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at
first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with
vigor.
Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.
Boston Driving Rules
1) The goal of the Boston driver is *not* to arrive first at their
destination. It is to do their part in making the driving experience
as challenging as possible for the other drivers, however much it may
slow their own commute. This is illustrated by those who come to a complete
and total stop, and wait for three clear lanes of traffic, when the turn
they are making feeds into a dedicated lane nobody else can use anyway.
Note that they do not do this unless there is someone waiting behind them.
2) Note the number one classic technique, the "Mass Pullout". When pulling
into traffic on a busy, undivided, two-way, four-to-eight lane street
from a parking lot or stop sign, it is simply not acceptable to wait
for all lanes of traffic to empty in order to make a smooth entry onto
the roadway. This could slow one down as much as 30-40 seconds.
Life-threatening behavior is clearly justified to avoid the delay.
Take it one lane at a time. When the lane directly in front of
you is free, pull into it, perpendicular to traffic, and stop. Repeat
until you have blocked all lanes in both directions. Then, slowly turn
into the direction of choice, re-crossing as many lanes as possible.
Straddle any two lanes of choice and proceed at 20% of the posted speed
limit until you are passed angrily by one of the people you cut off.
Then tailgate them no matter what speed they go, since the incident was
obviously their fault.
3) Massachusetts invented the traffic rotary. Most Boston techniques apply
here, but remember several special rules when negotiating a rotary:
1 - Proceed into the rotary regardless of who may already be in that
lane, pausing first *only* if there is no one in front of you and several people behind you.
2 - Proceed directly to the middlemost lane in preparation for
abruptly crossing the maximum number of lanes when exiting.
3 - If you want to exit the rotary from the inner "fast" lane and are
uncomfortable about doing so, simply stop your car. This will
cause other people to stop and try to pass you, effectively
clearing the lane to your right, allowing you to pull into it at your leisure.
4 - Remember that only *YOU* have the right of way in any rotary.
4) Turn signals are a sign of weakness.
5) Misplace your Mass Turnpike ticket, and don't look for it until you are
stopped at the toll booth. Never carry exact change, it's considered rude.
Never pull into the toll lane you appear to have selected. Always veer two
or three lanes to one side or another at the last minute for no apparent
reason. Once you have reached the toll booth, ask for directions, even
if you're not lost. Repeat them back several times. Do *NOT* follow
the directions you are given.
6) If you are driving a rental car, conceal that fact using
"WBCN-The ROCK of Boston" bumper stickers, lest to be identified as a
"bloody tourist", which would result in a feeding frenzy and your certain annihilation.
Never park at meters. Meters run out and you will get a ticket. Simply double
park next to the empty space, thereby saving not only a parking ticket, but the
meter change as well.
Don't be fooled by the lines on the road. If there is almost enough room for
two cars--move over, it's two lanes.
Never put on your signal in anticipation of a turn. Signals are to be
used to let other drivers know what you have just done. Always wait until
you are well into the turn before signalling.
Never, never look for street signs. If you do find one, it is probably turned around.
When asking for directions, always ask the person to spell out the name of the
street since you will not recognize it from their pronunciation.
Directions such as turn left, turn right, or go straight, are almost always
useless since every intersection in Boston must have at least 5 points,
none of which are left, right or straight.
If you miss your turn, never plan on circling the next block to get back. No two blocks in Boston are
parallel.
If you are a pedestrian size up the traffic flow and find spots where you can
dart in between cars to get across several lanes of traffic. Don't worry
that you are crossing against the light. If any startled driver stops when
you jump out inches from his car, be sure to give him a dirty look because
now he has messed up your traffic pattern.
Put away the street maps--they won't help. Follow your nose and you'll have better luck.
And last of all don't forget--the expression "You can't get there from here" originated in Boston.
Bologna's rule about looking both ways before crossing on a green
light violates the prime directive. A real Boston driver stares
straight ahead and pretends to have glaucoma. A true pro would
really have glaucoma.
Yet Boston is only exciting for American drivers. Paris and Rome
are much more exciting. But very few places can beat Cairo.
When your side of the road is divided into three lanes by two dotted
lines, standard practice in Cairo is for two drivers to straddle each
of the two lines. That gives each driver maximum flexibility in light
traffic (which never occurs). In heavy traffic (the normal case),
that increases the road capacity by allowing 5 cars to drive abreast.
But those who want to perfect their driving technique should go to
India. A friend of mine, Frank Anshen, went to a linguistics conference
in New Delhi and took a taxi from the airport. As in New York City,
Indian taxi drivers are normally Sikhs, who wear a large turban.
As they were driving from the airport, the taxi driver kept his
head turned to the back seat while carrying on a running conversation
with his passenger. Meanwhile, Frank's knuckles were turning white
from gripping the seat and the door handle, as they careened around
winding mountain roads and stormed through villages with cows,
chickens, and people scattering in all directions.
At one point, the driver said "We Sikhs are the best drivers in the world.
"Do you know why," he asked, "we Sikhs are the best drivers in the world?"
"N-n-no," Frank stammered, "Why are Sikhs the best drivers in the world."
"Because," the driver answered, "we Sikhs are not afraid to die!"
WHAT ARE JERSEY DRIVERS MADE OF?
1. On an otherwise clear road with a green traffic light, a Jersey driver will invariable brake at the light.
2. The only thing worse than a Jersey driver operating a motor vehicle in city traffic is...nothing.
3. Jersey drivers find their licenses as prizes in breakfast cereal.
4. Given a bus in a right-lane with two otherwise clear lanes, a Jersey driver will straddle the lanes and
refuse to pass the bus.
5. At a left-hand turn at a red traffic light, a Jersey driver will wait until a line of cars form behind him
before turning on his turn signal.
6. At a left-hand turn at a red traffic light, a Jersey driver will wait until the light turns green before turning
on his turn signal.
7. Given a two-lane road, a Jersey driver will drive in the left-hand lane, perfectly matching the speed of
right-hand lane traffic.
8. On a 2-lane road, you will follow a Jersey driver in the left-hand lane for 10 miles, finally passing on the
right; only to see him move into the right-hand lane immediately after you pass.
9. No matter how long the green light, only 5 Jersey drivers will have an opportunity to pass through an
intersection during the green light.
10. When given a choice of passing to the right or left of a road obstruction, a Jersey driver will halt in
the middle of the road.
11. Jersey drivers form gaper delays at leaves blowing in the wind.
12. Right-hand turns from left-hand lanes (and vice-versa) are state law in New Jersey.
13. Jersey drivers think a 'right turn on red' should be performed with the eyes closed and a rush into
oncoming cross-traffic - really.
14. Jersey drivers are blessed at birth with an instinctive knowledge of how to navigate those two
icebergs of driving: The traffic circle and the jug-handle. The rest of us handle them like the Titanic.
15. Only Jersey drivers know what "Jersey barriers" are. Anyone who drives in NJ knows why they MUST
have them.
I wonder...is this characteristic of Jersey drivers only? Do Massachusetts drivers say this about
Connecticut drivers? Or does everyone say this about California drivers?
Someone who isn't Steven Spielberg presents...
From the NoTalent Broadcasting Company
******************
** **
** E.Z. **
** **
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The Existential-Terrestrial
Conceived, written, and directed by ?????
Dedicated to BoB tECH
-----------------------------------
The alien ship rested on the ground in a wooded area not too far away from
Butte, Montana. A whole bunch of aliens, with short bodies, huge heads and ex-
tendable necks, were busy examining the landscape, speaking to each other in
a weird language. It was almost twilight.
"Man, this planet is totally radical," one of the aliens said.
"GUYS! GUYS!" cried an alien as he rejoined the main party. "I just saw a
really strange monster! It has four arms, four legs, and two heads, and it
makes really weird noises!"
"That's not a monster, you simp!" retorted one of the others. "That's two
Earth humans making love in the grass!"
"Hey guys, clam up and listen!" cried a technician who was busy intercept-
ing radio waves with some weird gadget. They found themselves listening to
"Like a Virgin" by Madonna.
"We use soundwaves like that to kill insects on our home planet," the tech
said. "These guys must have a global insect problem!"
"I think these Earthlings use these sounds for entertainment," replied the
leader, who was busy analyzing soil samples.
"Entertainment?" exclaimed the tech.
"OOO, I PITY DA FOOL!! I PITY DA FOOL!!" the gadget stated saying.
"Me too," said one of the others.
"Well," the leader said, "it's time for us to blast off. Anyone seen the
janitor...?"
-----------------------------------
Eddiot's Diary, 10/29/85, 12:00PM CST
Dear Diary,
I am now staring at an actual creature from outer space. He's walking over to
the Porta-John with a roll of toilet paper and a Playboy magazine featuring
nude pics of Madonna in his hands.
"Eddiot!" my mom cried from the bedroom window. "Are you still down there?"
"Yes, mom," I replied.
"Son, you're gonna catch a cold down there. Or do you still think that the bogey-man is gonna come
back?"
"Er, not exactly...say, Mom, how would you feel about having a pet...?"
Mom let out a heavy sigh. "I TOLD you when you asked for a kid sister, that
was the end of that! Now come to bed, son!"
"OK, Mom!" I then looked at the alien, who was busy staring at the center-
fold. "But I don't know where I'm gonna hide your kitty-litter box, little
guy!"
I coaxed him up the stairs with some Reese's Pieces, which he noisily wolfed
down. "You gotta be quiet or you'll wake my mom. I'm not supposed to have any
guests over without her knowing them - OR the planet they came from, for that
matter!"
Once he was in my room, he started to eat everything. He took a huge bite
out of my "Jaws" movie poster. He then bit the head off my teddybear. After
that, he bit the wings off my model airplanes and slurped down my yo-yo string
as if it were spaghetti. I asked him if I could get him anything like ketchup,
mustard, or Pepto-Bismol. He just looked at me burped.
But now I must go to bed. The alien is staying in my closet. Good night.
-----------------------------------
The search party was busy doing a careful search of the area where the alien
ship was. Radiation detectors, flashlights, radar, and sonar were busy working
feverishly to turn up any clues.
"Hey guys!" one of the searchers cried.
"Did you find their whereabouts?" the radar monitor asked.
"Nope, but I found out that lots of loose change falls out of people's pock-
ets when they sit in the grass!"
----------------------------------
Eddiot's Diary, 10/30/85 3:50PM CST
Mom was checking my temperature, which I faked thanks to a nearby light
bulb. I managed to get it to 100.2 F. The alien was masquerading as a doll,
being caught in the middle when Mom came in.
"You're going to have to stay home from school today, Eddiot. I TOLD you
you'd catch a cold from being outdoors all night!"
"Gosh, what a hardship," I replied.
"Now, you stay in bed while I'm at work. No TV. I don't want your brain to
melt in front of that box." She then looked at the alien. "And get rid of that
doll, son...it's the UGLIEST thing I've ever seen!"
"Sure, Mom." It took all my strength to hold him down so that he didn't
attack her. "Down, boy!" I whispered. "Heel!"
A little while later, I decided to start introducing him to Earth stuff.
So, naturally, I pulled out some Star Wars figures. I showed him a figure of
Darth Vader with his lightsaber. "Know what this is? Take a guess now!"
The alien picked it up and cheerfully ate it. "Yep, right," I replied,
"it's lunch." I then said to myself, "Hoo-boy, what a dummy!"
Well, I knew that I couldn't keep it a secret from the rest of the world,
so I decided to break the news to my brother, Snorkel, and my kid sister,
Kvetchen. So I told them to swear the most excellent promise they ever made
when they got home.
"Eddiot," Kvetchen asked, "are you hiding those magazines under your bed
again?"
"Nope, it's better than that," I said. I then opened the door and unveiled
the alien, sitting in the middle of my room, happily munching the curtains.
"Huh?" asked Kvetchen. "You don't want us to tell Mom you have a garbage
disposal in your room?"
Then he turned around and looked her straight in the eye, and she screamed,
"It's Ronald Reagan!!!!"
We pulled her into the closet until she calmed down, and I explained to her
how he was an alien from the stars, visiting our little planet. "But you should
never tell any grownups, even our mother, that we have him."
"Why?" asked Kvetchen.
"Because they can't see him," I replied. "Only those who haven't reached
puberty can see him."
"You're gonna die for that one, jerk," said Snorkel, curling his fist into
a nice little ball.
"You're full of it," said Kvetchen. she then leaned out of the closet and
yelled, "MOM!!"
"Oh great," I sighed. "OK, Snorkel, get her doll and make it sing Menudo."
"With pleasure," replied Snorkel. He then grabbed Kvetchen's Cabbage Patch
Kid, put a sombrero on it, and started yelling "CHIQUITA BANANA!!" Kvetchen
could never withstand it, so she finally agreed to keep her little mouth shut.
The alien was then trying something out. He pulled some oranges out of a
basket of fruit I brought upstairs to feed him, and casued them to float in
the air, spinning around a floating grapefruit.
"Is he showing us the solar system?" asked Snorkel.
"I don't think so," I said. "I think this is his version of target prac-
tice." That little alien was busy jumping in the air, trying to catch the
oranges in his mouth. He then tripped on a banana and fell head first into
the fruit basket. And he didn't get up until he ate the whole thing, basket
and all.
-----------------------------------
Next morning, Eddiot was at school again, just in time to dissect a bunch
of frogs for biology class. Already the other kids were starting to have fun
with their amphibian subjects. Harvey, the demented Boy Scout, timed how long
he could eat a raw frog. The bones were clean of flesh within 3 minutes, and
Harvey picked his teeth, smiling wickedly. Jimmy, the troublemaker, threw a
frog at the prettiest girl in class, catching her in the back of the head. He
then proceeded to drop his Biology textbook on another frog, just to see how
flat he could make it. Eddiot simply stared at his frog, thinking about his
extraterrestrial friend.
"Gosh, I sure hope the little fella's all right at home," Eddiot thought.
"It could be dangerous...after all, I did leave him all alone with nothing but
daytime soap operas on TV!"
But that wasn't ALL he left the alien with. Right now, he was dressed up
in a pair of house slippers and a cardigan, sitting next to the refridgerator,
exhausting the family's beer supply. The TV was blaring with Italian-made
westerns. The alien then walked over to the counter, poured himself a bowl of
Yuk-O's cereal, and drenched it with beer. He then gobbled up the whole thing
(bowl and all) in one gulp. He then said, "*Hic!* Shet up anudder round, bar
*Hic!*...tender...!"
Back at school, Eddiot was standing next to the teacher's desk, singing,
"Gimme one more f'the *Hic!* road...!" The whole class was watching him, in-
cluding a kid who was wearing a T-shirt that said "E.T. Go Home!"
"Gee," said the teacher, "we don't get very many drunk kids in this class,
Eddiot!"
"Yeah," replied Eddiot, "an' at *Hic!* THESE prices, y'ain't very likely ta
*Hic!* get any more...!"
Back at home, the alien was singing, "Ninety-nine bottles 'a *Hic!* beeeeer
'n th' wall...*Hic!*" while Mr. Rogers was busy talking to a bunch of cheaply
made puppets on TV. The alien then crashed head-on into a door and fell over
backwards. "Hey y'know," he said to himself, "this planet ain't HALF bad...
*Hic!*"
Mr. Rogers then said, "Can you say, "Direct dialing?" Sure. I knew that you
could."
Meanwhile, at school, Eddiot somehow got the idea that the frogs were all
reincarnations of Bambi, and started setting them free. Jimmy got popped in
the head with one, while the class show-off, Reggie, was juggling three frogs.
Harvey was eagerly trying to catch one in his mouth.
"Gosh, what's happening to me?" Eddiot then said to himself. "I have a
sudden urge to put on a pair of house slippers and a cardigan..." He then ran
out of the school building, headed for home.
"EXTERMINATE!! EXTERMINATE!!" the hideous metallic voice cried. The British
timelord, Dr. Who, was busy trying to stop the Daleks (again) in a 2-hour fea-
ture. Meanwhile, the alien was fumbling with the phone, pushing all of the
buttons.
A voice then came out of the reciever. "Herro? Herro? This is operator...
Tokyo. Who you wanna talk to, buster?"
The alien then said, "Must be SOMETHING about this *Hic!* gadget I ain't
figured out yet!"
The TV then displayed an ad for "Ninja" brand burritos.
-----------------------------------
Eddiot's Diary, 10/31/85 8:12PM CST
When I got home from school, the first thing I saw was the alien in one of
those Madonna outfits, right down to what you might call his belly showing.
He looked just awful. And there's only one person whom I suspected of doing
this... "KVETCHEN!!!!" I yelled.
And in walks Kvetchen, holding a bunch of cheap wristbands and necklaces
with the Star of David on them. She never could do anything right, even screw-
ing up. "Doesen't he look pretty?" she said. "Now he can go anywhere so that
no one will stare at him because he's naked."
"He's an alien!" I cried as he started muching the bracelets. "They aren't
going to care if he's naked or not!"
Then the alien looked up at me and said, "Ehhhhhhhddiot?? *Hic!*"
"HE CAN TALK!" I exclaimed.
"He sure can," replied Kvetchen. "He can even say his name...E.Z."
"E.Z.??" I said. "Why did you name him E.Z.??"
"Because he's easy to feed."
I couldn't argue with her there. E.Z. was now walking towards the kitchen
to try and find dessert, so I stopped him short. He then looked at me and
said, "E.Z. phone home."
"Huh?" Snorkel's head popped into my room. "You mean that ugly little spud
can actually TALK?"
"He's NOT ugly!" I retorted. Turning to the alien, I asked, "What was that
you said?"
"E.Z. phone home."
"Just wait until Mom gets the bill for THAT," Snorkel said.
"But E.Z., how do we phone home?" I asked the alien. "We don't even know
what planet you come from!"
"Follow E.Z." The alien then toured through the house, gathering up a whole
mess of strange things: an old shoe, an umbrella, an empty can of beans, a
rubber duckie, a bowling ball, an apple core, a pogo stick, four spoons, three
tires, a chainsaw, and a 50' cord of Christmas lights. He then pulled it all
into the garage.
"You sure you know what you're doing, shorty?" I asked. "I mean, gosh,
there's no way in the world any of this stuff here can even remotely help you
get back to your own world!"
E.Z. then started working on the pile of junk. He raised a huge cloud of
dust that put me in a coughing fit for about five minutes. When it settled,
there was this really weird contraption that was sputtering and smoking. A
voice came out of the can of beans. "This is intergalactic operator number 7.
What planet are you calling? Deposit $3,786,932.76 for the first three min-
utes, puh-lease."
The alien then looked at me and gave me a big smile. If there's anything
I can't stand, it's wiseguy little aliens.
-----------------------------------
Eddiot then pedaled through the streets on Halloween, with E.Z. covered in
a sheet, sitting in the basket. The apparatus for calling other planets was
securely tied to the back.
Two other kids, dressed up as Oinky the Pig and a Klansman, saw Eddiot and
the ghostlike object pedal by.
"Hey!" stammered Oinky. "Is..is that really a g-ghost??"
"Don't be stupid, Maurice," replied the Klansman. "Don't you recognize an
extra-terrrestrial in a sheet when you see one?"
Mom was busy detailing what Eddiot looked like to the cops when he walked
through the door, very tired, very dirty, and with a fever. "Hi, Mom," he
said. "What's for dinner?"
"DINNER?!?" exclaimed Mom as she hugged him. "It's time for breakfast!
Where have you been all night?"
"Would you believe making a phone call?" replied Eddiot.
He then climbed the stairs and crawled into the bathtub. He was obviously
very ill. He barely had the strength to turn on the water.
All of a sudden, Snorkel, Kvetchen, and Mom burst into the bathroom. Snor-
kel was carrying the comatose E.Z. "I found the little alien out in the woods
...near death!"
"Isn't that the little town a few miles down the road?" asked Eddiot.
"No, you dummy," retorted Snorkel, "I mean, he's very sick! He looks terri-
ble!"
As if that weren't enough, a bunch of scientists burst into the bathroom
through the window. They were all clothed in germ-proof suits that made them
look like astronauts. Mom pulled Eddiot out of the tub and ran towards the
living room with Snorkel, Gretchen, and the dying alien, only to be confront-
ed by even more of them. The family was surrounded by all sorts of scien-
tists, doctors, and government agents dressed in the germ-proof suits.
"Listen, there's something wierd going on here, mister!" cried Mom.
"Relax, ma'am, we know," said one of the chief doctors. "Your son has be-
friended an alien being from another planet. We're here to save both of them."
They hooked up both Eddiot and E.Z. to a mess of electronic devices as the
doctors worked feverishly, putting the two inside a huge plastic room. Both
seemed to be slipping.
"Will Eddiot be alright?" Mom asked one of the top doctors. "Poor Eddiot
looks so pale...it's so hard for him to breathe!"
"Listen," the doctor replied, "you'd have trouble too if they stuck you into
a giant baggie!"
Eddiot seemed to be improving for some reason, but the alien's condition
was getting even worse. Then, all of a sudden, a nurse walked up to the doctor
Mom had just spoken to and whispered something in his ear. The doctor's eyes
widened. He then turned to the others.
"O-KAY, folks, let's PACK IT UP," he said. "I just found out this little
freeloader doesen't have any Blue Cross!"
The alien was placed into a sanitary coffin, and Eddiot was allowed to vi-
sit him for the last time. He looked at E.Z.'s face as he hugged the coffin.
"I-I'm sorry, little guy," Eddiot sobbed. "I guess I really blew things,
huh?"
Eddiot then opened the coffin to get a better look at his deceased friend.
"We were friends and I couldn't protect you from them. I did everything I
could, but they found us anyway."
Eddiot then closed the coffin and said, "I...guess that just proves some-
thing basic and fundamental about Earth...you gotta have health insurance."
He then turned away to leave, but then he heard a loud CLICK from the
coffin. Eddiot whirled around...and E.Z. was smiling at him!
"Wait a minute," he exclaimed, "you're NOT dead after all!!" He then ran
up and hugged the alien. "You were kidding them! Gosh, that's swell, little
guy! You really pulled the wool over their eyes, huh?"
Then Eddiot stopped. The house was totally covered inside a plastic bubble.
Government agents were outside, along with members of the Army. Helicopters
and tanks were patrolling the entire area.
"But how are we gonna get you to safety?" he exclaimed.
The alien gave him a disappointed glance and pointed toward the window.
"Loooook, Ehhhhddiot."
All of a sudden, the alien spaceship landed in the middle of everything,
vaporizing all of the helicopters and tanks. Eddiot ran over to it with E.Z.,
but both knew they had to part.
"Come," said the alien.
"Stay," replied Eddiot.
The alien could not. He had a family and friends waiting for him back at
home. He had no choice. He gave a last hug to his Earth-bound friend and
walked towards the ship.
"E.Z.!!" Eddiot cried. "Can you give me one of them spaceships for myself
for Christmas?"
The alien nodded at him and said, "Only if you beeee gooood."
--- THE END ---
eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
The Six Important Men in a Woman's Life
The Doctor--because he says, "Take your clothes off."
The Dentist--becuase he says, "open wide."
The Milkman--because he says, "do you want it in the front or in the back?"
The Hairdresser--because he says, "do you want it teased or blown?"
The Interior Decorator--because he says, "once it's in you'll love it."
The Banker--because he says, "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest."
It isn't easy being a dick...
I have a head I can't think with.
I have an eye I can't see with.
I have to hang around with two nuts all the time.
My closest neighbor is an asshole.
My best friend is a pussy.
My owner beats me.
And now because of AIDS I have to wear a rubber suit and puke all over myself.
Don't LOOK at anything in a physics lab.
Don't TASTE anything in a chemistry lab.
Don't SMELL anything in a biology lab.
Don't TOUCH anything in a medical lab.
and, most importantly,
Don't LISTEN to anything in a philosophy department.
Have you heard the one about ...
the traffic statistics which show that 90% of all people are caused by accidents?
the man that stole his neighbor's wife, piece by piece?
the man who wouldn't practice birth control, and now they call him 'Papa'?
the modern Cinderella who turns into a motel every night at midnight?
the two angels that got kicked out of heaven for trying to make a prophet?
the drive-in theatre manager who decided if business got any better he
would start showing movies?
the recent survey on cigarettes that found that 90% of the men who tried
Camels still prefer women?
the Sunday School teacher who chased her boyfriend all over the church and
finally caught him by the organ?
the fellow who descended from a long line his mother once heard?
the two queer judges who tried each other?
the shotgun marriage? It was a case of wife or death?
101 EASY WAYS TO SAY NO
I'd love to, but...
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 The President said he might drop in.
5 The man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 It's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 There's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawal.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 My crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 My patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 The grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 My Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more
dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 My plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 It's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 My subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 The last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 None of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 People are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 My yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 My mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange
student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I
can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 There are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I'm drawing "Cubby" for an art scholarship
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 My bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 Writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 You know how we psychos are.
78 My favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 My uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 Having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 My palm reader advised against it.
95 My Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name].
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
101 WAYS TO DODGE THE "NO"
1 I thought you might like some bad company.
2 I've dedicated my life to refusing the magic word.
3 I want to spend more time where my thoughts are.
4 I hate to negate your negative, but "not gonna do it."
5 A little birdie told me "no means maybe."
6 Wanna try a body-meld first?
7 I'm not staying home to work on you.
8 It's my id's night out.
9 It wouldn't be fair to the upholstery, but so what?
10 I'm getting a lack-of-conscience.
11 I didn't catch your drift. Catch my drift?
12 I think you could use some scream therapy.
13 There's something wrong here. Let's find out what it is.
14 Are you really that afraid of a little dynamic cling?
15 Apparently I belong here. Care to wrestle over it?
16 That's a deep subject. Let's get deeper.
17 I was hoping not to see your new dress.
18 The deity of your choice told me to come here.
19 I'm more interested in fits than gloves.
20 Yes, that too turns me on.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 Too excited to leave; try again in the morning.
23 You're quite amusing. Now stop joking.
24 You seem to be missing an important fact. Want me to fill you in?
25 Doors are a foreign concept.
26 But your oven's still on.
27 I'm still trying to adjust my horizontal hold.
28 I would go but I'm too selfless to take the initiative.
29 Sue me in the morning, then.
30 Too late. I'm hooked.
31 I'll not give this up without a going-away present.
32 There's too much karma between us.
33 I don't do requests.
34 I rather like it here. I think I could make you like it more.
35 But your shower cap needs fluffing.
36 I want to help you forget the calendar.
37 I was too busy mentally undressing you. What'd you say?
38 Call my secretary and I'll make note of it tomorrow.
39 I'd like to help you fulfill yourself.
40 I need to study some bio first.
41 I don't want to leave your comfort zone.
42 It's too close to my bedtime.
43 I can give you some really interesting words to look up.
44 My other self believes you.
45 I'm studying to be a popular nuisance.
46 I left my body in your shorts.
47 The last time I tried to leave, you said no.
48 Let's vote on it, huh?
49 Let me update your opinion for you.
50 Your subconscious told me to stay.
51 I would go but we're not one yet.
52 I want to try you on first.
53 Let me demonstrate this breathtaking maneuver.
54 I forgot where you keep your front door, sorry.
55 Nothing elsewhere interests me unto stupidity.
56 I could pretend to agree, but you don't wanna hear it.
57 Your fantasies sent me a telegraph.
58 First let's set off the smoke detectors.
59 I respect you too much not to touch.
60 You still need some animal training.
61 Apparently I lack a good reason to go.
62 You said that last night, too.
63 Oh, is THAT why my name is tattooed on your fingers.
64 I'm too immature for that line of reasoning.
65 I never leave a girl so in need of flustering.
66 You'd have too much guilt later for me to accept that lie.
67 I can make you change your body.
68 No what? I don't dig this self-denial.
69 But you're uncomfortable when I'm not alone with you.
70 You once made me promise to ignore you in things like this.
71 Hmph. Shoulda said that BEFORE you let me in.
72 What? Trying to be more Catholic?
73 But your lips need a good thrashing.
74 Your neighbors won't REALly mind the noise.
75 Perhaps next time I'll listen to ya.
76 I don't like coming and going.
77 Let's get Bohemian.
78 Your sofa looks like a good place to show me "no."
79 I haven't talked you out of clothing yet.
80 One day you'll spank me for this.
81 I thought not. How right you aren't!
82 Watch your tongue. I am.
83 I'm really here to inspect your nocturnal habits.
84 I thought I might push your buttons first.
85 That's Spanish for "no." You like the Spanish tongue?
86 What? you took me seriously? Okay, now pretend I was joking... say Yes.
87 ...thank you, ma'am.
88 I thought I might put you to sleep with an idea first.
89 Heehee. I love it when you say that.
90 You afraid of some kind of wonderful?
91 C'mon, a little fun is good for you.
92 But you missed me, didn't you? lousy aim notwithstanding...
93 The thought of bunnies springs to mind.
94 But I had rather firm, tight plans for us.
95 I believe Nike said it best.
96 I want to see if you snore.
97 I see you like to lie also. Care to lie together?
98 Your eyes tell me yes.
99 I make my home where you're breathing.
100 I'm trying to increase your daily intake.
101 ... well, maybe.
.. Memorable Pieces of Wisdom
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number
of statements understood by the general public.
Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more
unreliable.
Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
.
Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some work done.
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Inside every large program is a small one struggling to get out.
.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it.
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone
he can blame it on.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
There's never enough time to do it right, but always time to do it
over.
.
Things get worse under pressure.
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the
time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps to
know the answer.
It works better if you plug it in.
.
In any human endeavour, once you have exhausted all
possibilities and fail, there will be one solution, simple
and obvious, and highly visible to everyone else.
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping
on to the grand fallacy.
He who hesitates is last.
An engineer is someone who does "list processing" in ForTran.
.
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error.
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
Friction is a drag.
What fools these morals be.
.
Biology grows on you.
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
A man's best friend is his dogma.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right
to tell such LIES.
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
.
An elephant is a mouse built to Military specifications.
If it works, Don't fix it.
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
Gravity brings me down.
When you're up to your hips in alligators,
You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
.
Lake Erie died for your sins.
While money can't buy happiness,
it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
The difference between dark and hard is ...
it stays dark all night.
Are you into casual sex or should I dress up?
It's been so long since I've had sex, I can't remember who gets tied up.
Men come in 3 sizes: SMALL, MEDIUM and "OH, MY GOD!"
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. Jackie Gleason
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. Red Buttons
I have a daughter who goes to SMU. She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more
letter she'd have to remember. Sheckly Greene
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that
nothing can be done. Fred Allen
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout
for sixteen hardened criminals. Ronnie Corbett
They think they can make fuel from horse manure... Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty
miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning. Billie Holliday
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: "I wanna know your name" Mike Binder
Advertising: The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it. Stephen
Leacock
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
Ed Bluestone
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when take him in a car he
sticks his head out the window. Steve Bluestone
Everything is drive-through. In California they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box. Wil
Shriner
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a
moron. George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. Ellen DeGeneris
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. Carol Leifer
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. Sue Kolinsky
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. Roger
Simon
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business. Shelley Berman
You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
Pearl Williams
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and
put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. Billiam Coronel
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. Dave Edison
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? Calvin Trillin
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches. I wish I could. It's like having a little pet for your
face. Anita Wise
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and
bought jewelry. Rita Rudner
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would
you like some fries with that?" Jay Leno
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Johnny Carson
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. Will Rogers
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline. George Lindsey
Never moon a werewolf. Mike Binder
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. George Gobel
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
This life is a test - it is only a test. If it had been an actual life, you would have received further
instructions on where to go and what to do.
The mission to Mars won't be cheap - the cost is currently estimated at $400 billion ... but the benefits are
enormous. For openers, we will earn, as a nation, more than 500 MILLION Frequent Flier miles!
Do you walk to work or carry your lunch?
Is it faster to New York by train?
At your house, on what side does the sun come up? N S E or W?
What is heavier: A ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?
Three men sitting around a campfire telling stories. The conversation
turns to medical miracles:
First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to
work in construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a
bulldozer. Whatever those doctors did, it's really amazing - today
he's a concert pianist.
Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I
ever knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to
hitch a ride one day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn
bone in his body. Somehow they put him back together better than he
was before. Now he's a triathlete and he's planning to try out for
the olympics.
Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a
whole lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave
him a job as a stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one
day and gets locked in. It's dark and he can't find the door. Not
being too bright, he lit a match to try and find his way. The whole
place exploded. All they could find of him was a few fingers and his
eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him back
together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts.
"Hi! Do you know me? Well, many people do. But they don't always realize
how smart I really am. That's why I carry the Mensa Impress Card (tm).
When I was Governer of New Hampshire, battling wits with Michael Dukakis
over nuclear power, everyone thought I was brilliant. But these days,
when it comes to cutting taxes, increasing spending, and balancing the budget
all at the same time, people sometimes question my intellect. They start
confusing me with the Vice President. At those crucial moments, all I have
to do is mention Mensa Impress (tm). It makes pushing a budget as easy
as influence peddling!"
__________________________________________
| |
| |
| M E N S A I M P R E S S |
| |
| ____ |
| / \ |
| 3 1 4 1 5 9 / \||/ \ 2 6 5 3 5 |
| | /oo\ | |
| \ \ \/ / Exp: 1/93 |
| John Sununu \_||_/ IQ: 140 |
|__________________________________________|
The Mensa Impress Card (tm). Don't go to Washington without it.
In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless
there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red
flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians.
It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia.
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person
shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than
fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening
of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of
the returns."
In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that
is over six feet in length.
In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on
the sidewalks when a concert is on.
September 8, 1987
Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington D.C.
Dear Sir:
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells, Iowa, recieved a check for
$1,000.00 from the government for not raising hogs. So I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of
farm not to raise hogs on and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping
with all governmental policies. I would prefer not to raise
razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, then I would
just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in keeping an
accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the
best he ever made on them was $442.00 in 1968, until this year when he
got your check for $1,000.00 for not raising hogs.
If I get $1,000.00 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2,000.00 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first,
holding myself down to about 4,000 hogs not raised, which will mean
about $80,000.00 the first year. Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing. These hogs I will not be raising will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for
not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not
raising wheat and corn not to feed the 4,000 hogs I am not going to
raise?
I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good
time of the year not to raise hogs and grain.
Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so send me
any information on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will be
totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.
Patriotically yours,
Jean Partridge
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute more free
cheese?
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
Haha, come on, put it down, I know it isn't loaded.
Just for a moment ther, I thought these brakes weren't working.
How come your're still alive? Oh my God, I've picked up the wrong glass.
Marjorie, did you think that peanut butter tasted funny?
Don't worry, this loose red wire isn't connected.
Contrary to popular opinion, these particular snakes do not attack
human beings.
What do you mean, this branch won't take my weight?
I know it's foggy, but I know this area like the back of my hand, and
I'm telling you the edge of the cliff is nowhere near here.
By the way, your're not in the will.
Aaaaaaaaaarghhhhhhhhhhhh !
Micro was a real-time operator and dedicated multi-user. His broad-band
protocol made it easy for him to interface with numerous input/output
devices, even if it meant time-sharing.
One evening he arrived home just as the Sun was crashing, and had parked
his Motorola 68040 in the main drive (he had missed the 5100 bus that
morning), when he noticed an elegant piece of liveware admiring the daisy
wheels in his garden. He thought to himself, "She looks user-friendly.
I'll see if she'd like an update tonight."
Mini was her name, and she was delightfully engineered with eyes like
COBOL and a PR1ME mainframe architecture that set Micro's peripherals
networking all over the place.
He browsed over to her casually, admiring the power of her twin, 32-bit
floating point processors and enquired "How are you, Honeywell?" "Yes,
I am well," she responded, batting her optical fibers engagingly and
smoothing her console over her curvilinear functions.
Micro settled for a straight line approximation. "I'm stand-alone
tonight," he said, "How about computing a vector to my base address?
I'll output a byte to eat, and maybe we could get offset later on."
Mini ran a priority process for 2.6 milliseconds then transmitted 8 k,
"I've been dumped myself recently, and a new page is just what I need to
refresh my disks. I'll park my machine cycle in your background and meet
you inside." She walked off, leaving Micro admiring her solenoids and
thinking, "Wow, what a global variable, I wonder if she'd like my
firmware?"
They sat down at the process table to top of form feed of fiche and chips
and a bucket of baudot. Mini was in conversational mode and expanded on
ambiguous arguments while Micro gave the occasional acknowledgements,
although, in reality, he was analyzing the shortest and least critical
path to her entry point. He finally settled on the old
would_you_like_to_see_my_benchmark routine, but Mini was again one step
ahead.
Suddenly she was up and stripping off her parity bits to reveal the full
functionality of her operating system software. "Let's get BASIC, you
RAM," she said. Micro was loaded by this his hardware was in danger of
overflowing its output buffer, a hang-up that Micro had consulted his
analyst about. "Core," was all he could say, as she prepared to log him
off.
Micro soon recovered, however, when Mini went down on the DEC and opened
her divide files to reveal her data set ready. He accessed his fully
packed root device and was just about to start pushing into her CPU
stack, when she attempted an escape sequence.
"No, no!" she cried, "You're not shielded!"
"Reset, Baby," he replied, "I've been debugged."
"But I haven't got my current loop enabled, and I can't support child
processes," she protested.
"Don't run away," he said, "I'll generate an interrupt."
"No, that's too error prone, and I can't abort because of my design
philosophy."
Micro was locked in by this stage, though, and could not be turned off.
But Mini soon stopped his thrashing by introducing a voltage spike into
his main supply, whereupon he fell over with a head crash and went to
sleep.
"Computers!" she thought as she recompiled herself, "All they ever think
of is hex!"
Politicians do it with everyone
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence
Evangelists do it with Him watching
Physicists do it with charm
Mathematicians do it in theory
Bayseians probably do it
Ada programmers do it in packages.
Ada programmers do it by committee.
APL programmers do it backwards.
APL programmers are functional.
Assembler programmers do it one-to-one.
Basic programmers do it all over the place.
C programmers SWITCH often.
C programmers SWITCH and then BREAK it.
C programmers continue it.
C++ programmers do it with their friends, in private.
COBOL programmers do it very slow.
FORTRAN programmers do it with SOAP.
FORTRAN programmers just DO it.
Machine language programmers do it very fast.
PASCAL programmers REPEAT it.
Prolog programmers are a cut above the rest.
beta testers do it looking for mistakes.
data processors do it in batches.
hackers do it all night.
hackers do it with their fingers.
machine coders do it in bytes.
operators really know how to mount it.
programmers do it in higher levels.
dm's do it with dice.
dm's do it any way they feel like.
dm's have better encounters.
dm's do it to you real good.
dm's do it anywhere they damn well please!
dm's do it whether you like it or not.
dm's do it in ways contrary to the laws of physics.
fantasy roleplayers do it all night.
fantasy roleplayers do it all weekend.
fantasy roleplayers do it in a dongeon.
fantasy roleplayers do it in a group.
accountants do it with double entry.
anglers do it with worms.
aerobics instructors do it until it hurts.
astronauts do it in orbit.
astronomers do it under the stars.
astronomers do it with their telescopes.
astronomers do it only at night.
astronomers can't do it with the lights on.
astrophysicists do it with a big bang.
bananas do it in bunches.
bankers do it with interest.
baseball players do it for a lot of money.
chemists do it in an excited state.
civil engineers do it by reenforcing it.
Dan Quayle does it in the dark.
debators do it in their briefs.
deep-sea divers do it under extreme pressure.
divers do it for a score.
divers do it deeper.
EE's do it on an impulse.
electrochemists have greater potential.
entymologists do it with bugs.
the FBI does it under cover.
geologists know how to make the bedrock.
Gerald Ford does it on his face.
hurdlers do it every ten meters.
librarians do it quietly.
long-distance runners do it on a predetermined route.
long jumpers do it with a running start.
magicians do it with mirrors.
malingerers do it as long as they can't get out of it.
mechanics do it on their backs.
Milton Berle does it in his BVDs.
mimes do it without a sound.
mimes don't do it. everyone hates a mime.
molecular biologists do it with hot probes.
mountaineers do it with ropes.
necrophiliacs do it cryptically.
necrophiliacs do it until they are dead tired.
non-smokers do it without puffing!
organists do it with both hands and both feet.
pediatricians do it with children.
photographers do it in the dark.
philosophers do it with their minds.
physics majors do it at the speed of light.
piano students learn on their techers' instruments.
podiatrists do it with someone else's feet.
pole vaulters do it with long flexible instruments.
printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
procrastinators will do it tomorrow.
proctologists do it with a finger up where the sun don't shine.
psychiatrists do it for at least fifty dollars per session.
public speakers do it orally.
republicans do it to poor people.
radio operators do it with frequency.
skeet shooters do it 25 times in 9 different positions.
spectroscopists do it with frequency and intensity.
sprinters do it in less than 10 seconds.
sprinters do it after years of conditioning.
:)p dancers do it with their feet.
theater majors ers die to do it.
Gymnasts do it with grace.
GNU programmers do it for free. And they don't give a damn about look & feel.
Hackers do it absolutely.
Hackers do it all night long.
Hackers do it all night.
Hackers do it at link time.
Hackers do it attached.
Hackers do it automatically.
Hackers do it bug-free.
Hackers do it by the numbers.
Hackers do it concurrently.
Hackers do it conditionally.
Hackers do it detached.
Hackers do it digitally.
Hackers do it discretely.
Hackers do it during downtime.
Hackers do it during PM.
Hackers do it efficiently.
Hackers do it faster.
Hackers do it graphically.
Hackers do it immediately.
Hackers do it in a HRRI.
Hackers do it in batches.
Hackers do it in dumps.
Hackers do it in less space.
Hackers do it in libraries.
Hackers do it in loops.
Hackers do it in parallel.
Hackers do it in stacks.
Hackers do it in the microcode.
Hackers do it in the software.
Hackers do it in trees.
Hackers do it in two states.
Hackers do it in O(n log n).
Hackers do it in SEXTRAN.
Hackers do it indirectly.
Hackers do it interactively.
Hackers do it iteratively.
Hackers do it loaded.
Hackers do it locally (or globally).
Hackers do it randomly.
Hackers do it recursively.
Hackers do it reentrantly.
Hackers do it relocatably.
Hackers do it sequentially.
Hackers do it synchronously.
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters
Hackers do it with bugs.
Hackers do it with computers.
Hackers do it with demons.
Hackers do it with gDRQ=IM9j$*V,-Y9s do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers do it with high priority.
Hackers do it with insertion sorts.
Hackers do it with interrupts.
Hackers do it with key strokes.
Hackers do it with phantoms.
Hackers do it with quick sorts.
Hackers do it with recursive descent.
Hackers do it with side effects.
Hackers do it with simultaneous access.
Hackers do it with slaves.
Hackers do it with their fingers.
Hackers do it with words.
Hackers do it with DDT.
Hackers do it without a net.
Hackers do it without arguments.
Hackers do it without detaching.
Hackers do it without proof of termination.
Hackers do it without protection.
Hackers do it without you even knowing it.
Hackers don't do it--they're hacking all the time.
Hams do it with frequency.
Hardware hackers are a charge.
Hardware hackers do it closely coupled.
Hardware hackers do it electrically.
Hardware hackers do it intermittently.
Hardware hackers do it noisily.
Hardware hackers do it on a bus.
Hardware hackers do it over a wide temperature range.
Hardware hackers do it with bus drivers.
Hardware hackers do it with charge.
Hardware hackers do it with connections.
Hardware hackers do it with emitter-coupled logic.
Hardware hackers do it with female banana plugs.
Hardware hackers do it with male connectors.
Hardware hackers do it with maximum ratings.
Hardware hackers do it with power.
Hardware hackers do it with resistance.
Hardware hackers do it with transceivers.
Hardware hackers do it with uncommon emitters into open collectors.
Hardware hackers do it with AC and DC.
Hawaiians do it volcanicly.
Helicopter Pilots do it while hovering.
Helicopter Pilots do it with autorotation.
Hikers do it naturaly.
Horn players do it French style.
Hunters do it in the bush.
Hunters do it with a bang.
Hurdlers do it every 10 meters.
Politicians do it with everyone
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence
Evangelists do it with Him watching
Physicists do it with charm
Mathematicians do it in theory
Bayseians probably do it
RETIREMENT SCHEDULE
7:00 am - Wake up and laugh at silent alarm clock, which has been turned
off the night before.
7:00 to 7:01 - Brisk calisthenics, lying in bed.
7:01 to 9:00 - Go back to sleep.
9:00 to 10:00 - Breakfast: bourbon, toast, bacon, eggs, coffee
10:00 to 11:00 - Give wife orders of the day and point out her errors
of the day before.
11:00 to 11:15 - Coffee and bourbon break, spent resting on the sofa
11:15 to 12:15 - Front porch rocking chair session. make plans on how
to spend tomorrow in a constructive way.
12:15 to 12:30 - Highball with next-door neighbor.
12:30 to 1:30 - Lunch: beer, beef sandwich, apple pie, and cheese.
1:30 to 1:35 - Read good book to improve mind.
1:35 to 3:00 - Nap on sofa
3:00 to 3:15 - Coffee and bourbon break
3:15 to 4:45 - Back porch rocking chair session to get benefit of afternoon
sun. Review morning's plans for tomorrow; decide tomorrow
is a bad day to start any new projects.
4:45 to 5:00 - Inspect vegetable garden; point out to wife areas where she
should do more hoeing.
5:00 to 8:30 - Cocktail hour.
8:30 to 9:30 - Dinner: wine, sirloin steak, salad, mashed potatoes and gravy,
ice cream.
9:30 to 11:59 - Discuss with wife why world is going to pot; lay out her
schedule for the next day.
11:50 to 12:00 - Write postcard to boss saying how much you miss the old
gang and how you are champing at the bit to get back.
12:00 to 12:01 - Go to bed with second book of the day to improve mind.
12:01 - Throw book out window and fall asleep.
Banana Loaf
------ ----
2 laughing eyes 2 bowing arms
2 well-shaped legs 2 firm milk containers
1 fur-lined mixing bowl 1 banana
Look into laughing eyes, spread well-shaped legs, and slowly squeeze and
massage milk containers until mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently
with middle finger. Add banana and gently work in and out until creamed.
Cover with nuts and garnish with a sigh of relief. Bread is done when banana
is soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and do not lick the bowl.
Warning: If bread rises, leave town!
Dear Sir,
I have just received your letter in regard to the bill that I owe you,
and I am supposed to pay so soon, I will enlighten you.
In 1954 I bought a Saw Mill on credit. In 1956 an Ox Team and Lumber Team,
Two (2) Ponies, a Breach Loading Gun, a Winchester, and a $25 revolver.
Also two (2) fine Razor Back Hogs, all on your damned installment plan.
In 1956 a rail worker knocked up my daughter and I had to pay $98 to keep
the bastard from becoming a relative of mine.
In 1957 my youngest boy had the mumps and they dropped on him. The Doctor
had to casterate him to keep him alive. Later we went fishing and the
boat upset and I lost the biggest Damn CatFish you ever saw. Two of my boys
drowned, neither of them was the casterated one.
In 1958 my wife ran away with a Gigolo and left me with a pair of shitty
twins as a souvenier, then I married the hired girl to cut out expenses.
She had trouble getting her gun off, so I went to the Doctor and he said to
cause some excitement about the time she was ready to come. That night I
took my shot-gun to bed with me, and about the time she was ready to come I
shot the gun out the window. My wife shit in the bed, I ruptured myself,
and shot the best cow I ever had.
In 1959, I decided to try again. I bought a manure spreader, a Farm-All
Tractor, and a Thrashing Machine all on credit. And along came a cyclone
and blew the whole damned works away.
In 1960 my wife caught the "Clap" from a traveling salesman and wiped her
ass on a corn cob that had rat poison on it, and the same dirty bastard
de-nutted my best bull.
Now at the present time, if it costs a nickel to shit I wouldn't be able to
fart, yet you say you can cause me trouble. Trying to get money out of me
would be like trying to poke butter up a Wild-Cat's ass with a hot iron.
BUT MISTER, YOU ARE SURE WELCOME TO TRY.
Magic Johnson has a new book out, "How to Avoid Getting AIDS,"
or something like that.
Yeah.. This suggests several other books by notable failures that
I'd like to see:
Mike Dukakis. . . .The Presidency
Pee Wee Herman. . .Fun at the Theater
Mike Tyson. . . . .How to Find the Woman of Your Dreams
Saddam Hussein. . .Annexing Kuwait
Eleanor H. Norton .Tax Shortcuts
Mario Cuomo . . . .Decisiveness
Dan Quayle. . . . .How to Spelle Rite
Dexter Manley . . .My Life in the NFL
Dexter Manley . . .My Life in the CFL
Jim Fixx. . . . . .Running for Health
Ted Kennedy . . . .Amphibious Vehicles
Winnie Mandela. . .101 Things You Can Do with Used Tires
Marion Barry. . . .Call Me Mister Mayor
John Gotti . . . .Time Management
To: Cabinet Members
From: N. Bonerpart
Subject: Operation Backbacon
Classification: Top Secret
The American economy, in dire need of recovery from the blahs,
necessitates drastic measures. Our foreign policy is also in shambles,
due to our fixation with unpronouncible countries while ignoring our
immediate neighbors. Recent military operations have shown that, indeed,
practice makes perfect. Thus, Operation Backbacon combines economic,
political, and military facets of government in a timely fashion (i.e.
before an election).
In a nutshell, Operation Backbacon is the invasion, conquest,
and annexation of Canada. The economic benefits are thusly; improved access
to timber for our junk mail infrastructure, water for our farmers and
amusement parks, and dramatically improved supply of good beer. The
foreign policy benefits include elimination of a costly and inert embassy.
The military benefits are a full-dress exercise with minimal risk and
acess to vast wilderness areas for our troops to go camping in.
The initial wave of special forces are to be infiltrated across
the borders disguised as hunters, fishermen, and college students buying
cases of Molson's. The first wave is to be executed during the Stanley
Cup playoffs; therefore no resistance is expected. The second wave requires
a variety of MOS's (Military Occupational Specialty). There will be
military police and truckers to orchestrate the seizure and shipping of
beer. Surveyors and groundskeepers will rework the football fields to
American dimensions. Speech therapists will barrage the television and
radio frequencies with lessons on how to pronounce words with "ou" properly.
Packing companies will pipeline back bacon to American pizza distributors.
While there will be a regrettable upheaval in Canuck life, we will
improve several facets of their system. No Canadian will have to pay
VAT (Value Added Tax), except for Brian Mulroney. The monetary system
will convert to American money, so the losses due to all those billions
of Canadian coins in American vending machines will be eliminated. Top
executives in the Canadian brewing industry will be transported down to
Milwaukie and St. Louis, and given dictatorial power over our ailing
beer companies.
The surge in purchases of yellow and red ribbons as well as American
flags, reduction of beer prices, and the ensuing baby boom should
invigorate the economy substantially. While the effects of Operation
Backbacon will wear off after a couple of years, there is no limitation
on similar treatments elsewhere. In fact, Operation Enchilada is in the
preliminary planning stage already.
Sincerely,
N. Bonerpart
State Dept.
--
Seen on a bakery delivery truck:
Cakes 66 cents
Upsidedown cakes 99 cents.
OLD CHINESE PROVERBS
--------------------
1. WOMAN WHO GOES TO MAN'S APT. FOR SNACK, GETS TIT-BIT.
2. MAN WHO LAY WOMAN ON GROUND, GETS PEACE ON EARTH.
3. MAN WHO GETS KICKED IN TESTICLES, LEFT HOLDING THE BAG.
4. MAN WHO KISSES GIRL'S BEHIND, GETS CRACK IN FACE.
5. WOMAN WHO SPEND MUCH TIME ON BEDSPRING, MAY HAVE OFFSPRING.
6. PASSIONATE KISS LIKE SPIDER WEB--LEAD TO UNDOING OF FLY.
7. MAN WHO SUCKS NIPPLES MAKES CLEAN BREAST OF THINGS.
8. MAN WITH HOLES IN POCKETS FEELS COCKY ALL DAY.
9. MAN WHO SNATCH KISSES WHEN YOUNG, KISSES SNATCHES WHEN OLD.
10. MAN WHO FIGHTS WIFE ALL DAY GETS NO PIECE AT NIGHT.
11. HE WHO FISHES IN OTHER MANS WELL OFTEN CATCHES CRABS.
12. HE WHO PLAYS WITH SELF, PULLS BONER.
13. BOY WHO GO TO BED WITH SEX PROBLEM, WAKE UP WITH SOLUTION IN HAND.
14. VIRGINITY LIKE BALLOON--ONE PRICK--ALL GONE.
15. GIRL WHO DOUCHES WITH VINEGAR WALKS AROUND WITH SOUR PUSS.
16. GIRLS SHOULD NOT MARRY BASKETBALL PLAYERS--THEY DRIBBLE BEFORE
THEY SHOOT.
17. MAN WITH ATHLETIC FINGER, MAKE BROAD JUMP.
18. MAN WHO MARRY GIRL WITH NO BUST HAS RIGHT TO FEEL LOW DOWN.
19. GIRL WHO RIDES BICYCLE, PEDDLES ASS ALL OVER TOWN.
20. MAN WHO FARTS IN CHURCH, SITS IN OWN PEW.
21. BABY CONCEIVED IN BACK SEAT OF CAR WITH AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION,
GROW UP TO BE SHIFTLESS BASTARD.
I heard this via my brother from his friend Gerry Dubois of Montreal.
Q. What do you get when you cross a dyslexic agnostic with an insomniac?
A. Someone who lies awake at night wondering whether there is a dog.
Hey, I want to tell you about this woman I met while I was in Mo earlier
this month. This lady had just married a man that was really really rich..
we're talking in the millions. Anyways, he died after a few months so she
remarried again to man that was an actor....really famous guy, but he died
within a few months. So guess what she did...she remarried again. This time
it was to a preacher, but wouldn't you know it, he died within a few months.
So of course she married another man.....this time it was an undertaker.
Now, you may be wondering what the whole point of this story is by now.
Well, the point is that she married 'one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go!!!!!'
A collection of quotes from Professor Ralph Noble, a professor of psychology
at RPI. Specifically, these were taken from his Psychology of Motivation
class, Fall semester 1991.
"As undergraduates, you realize that cleaning is very cost-ineffective, and why
would you bother?"
"If you're salt-deficient, you'll go lick the sweat off your significant
other...there are other physiological drives that will cause the same behavior."
"They've got drive-by shootings in Philadelphia now. Where they park to
reload, I don't know."
On Siamese Fighting Fish: "They're beautiful, they're elegant, they're vicious
as hell...there's a real life lesson here somewhere."
"If I could go through the dorms and shoot people, exam pressures would be put
into perspective."
"As you approach 4.0, study time approaches infinity."
On Oprah Winfrey's income: "$83 million? Oprah and I do basically the same
thing. Stand in front of people and abuse them."
On 'the totally suffering individual' (i.e. no food, no oxygen, no water, no
self-esteem, no safety, no friends, no money, sick and in pain, etc.) "You
can't do this with people, which takes all the fun out of life."
"20 scared-out-of-their-gourds 3 or 4-year olds is an example of what I'd like
to do to some of you who are really getting on my nerves."
"In the spirit of today, when I'm handing out the exams, we're going to further
examine the totally suffering individual."
"No beer? I think that comes under 'sick and in pain.'"
"We're going to talk about sex--you're going to talk about sex, because I can't
remember."
"The only sense I can make out of having kids is it's a good way to become a
grandparent."
"Men stare at those parts of the female anatomy which carry the subcutaneous
fat necessary for childbearing and lactation. This is not news."
"Look at this [dollar bill], for those of you who haven't seen [one] before."
"If money stopped buying things, I'd lose interest in it."
On fear-reduction techniques and how they can be used to make a bad
relationship last: "If I could use these techniques as well as I can explain
them, do you think I'd be here? And if I was here, I'd look a lot more tired
and happy."
"They don't let us beat students anymore, but my fantasy life is my own
business."
"Supposedly, it is possible to score goals [in field hockey]. However, this
rarely happens because hitting people is so positively reinforcing."
"Usually shooting a professor in the head ticks them off, but sometimes they'll
say 'Thank you.'"
"At 100,000 feet up, you're talking serious, _serious_ long underwear and
oxygen."
"I've been in the academic world a long time...I can sleep with my eyes open,
which is an important skill for those of you considering jobs in middle and
upper management."
"I learned to put the [toilet] seat down...it makes you look like a warm,
caring, sensitive human being."
"You bring someone home, say 'Hi, Mom, this is so-and-so,' she immediately
knows everything except which side of the bed he sleeps on."
"She's human...well, she's a lawyer, but reasonably human."
"We're going to assume a few things about reality. One, it exists. That's not
a necessary assumption, but I find it comforting."
"There are a lot of reasons to skydive. It does take your mind off your
problems."
"There was some brilliant work done with rats, which makes it scientific."
"There are two universes: for males, and for females."
"In the US, males are a minority and should be treated and protected as such."
"Most divorces are just a four-year-long date with a little bookkeeping."
"Happily ever after...there are some people who have achieved that, for the
moment."
"Is another way to put this 'All men are crazy?'"
"I may be more of a romantic than some of you, so feel free to throw up if you
have to."
"Let's assume the semester's over, so dying is a bad thing."
"A college professor is someone smart enough to get a Ph.D., but too crazy to
make a living."
"There's a large amount of evidence saying that the man's point of view is
largely irrelevant."
"Sean Connery is the sexiest man alive? Was I on the list?"
"You watch a talk show recently? They're doing one next month on a normal,
happy heterosexual couple, assuming they can find one."
After years in the accounting business, Walter was fed up with
the city. He sold his condo, traded his car in for a pick-up, and
bought a place out in the country. After getting settled in, he
walked into town to get some livestock. When he got to the counter,
he said, "I'd like a donkey and a rooster and a hen."
The guy at the counter said, "Ok, newcomer--I'll go get 'em for you.
But just so's you don't embarrass yourself around here, we call a donkey
an ass, and we call a rooster a cock, and we call a hen a pullett."
Walter grinned sheepishly as the guy went after the animals. When he got back
he had a bird in each hand. He passed them over to Walter and told him
that all he had to do was put them down in the yard--"wherever you put them
down, that's where they'll think home is". He disappeared out back, and
came back with the ass. "Now, you don't need no bridle or anything--the
ass will just follow you around." As Walter left, the guy told him "by the
way, if the ass stops following you, scratch him behind the ears."
Walter was about half way home when the ass stopped dead in his tracks.
Walter stood in the middle of the road, looking at his two chickens and
wondering how to scratch the ass 's ears without putting down one of the birds
and losing it. Luckily before too long his neighbors wife came along.
Walter asked her, "Excuse me, will you hold my cock and pullet while I
scratch my ass?"
BUMPER STICKERS
Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
We're staying together for the sake of the cats.
It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
My karma ran over your dogma.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
This is not an abandoned vehicle.
I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.
It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
Life's too short to dance with ugly women.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time she's going to
leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
I is a university student.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Beer isn't just for breakfast anymore.
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Eschew obfuscation.
Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of
a milk carton.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Is there life before coffee?
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
I Cayman went.
My other wife is beautiful.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
Nuke the unborn baby gay whales for Christ.
Geez if you love Honkus.
I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
There is one in every crowd, and they always find me.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.
Just when you think you've won the rat race, along come
faster rats.
If it's too loud, you're too old.
Wink, I'll do the rest.
The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to one
blade of grass and not fall off the earth.
Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the
value of nothing.
An Indian brave came up to his chief.
"Oh Big Chief, why you give us the names you give."
"Mmmmm. When your cousin was born...I look across and see
deer leaping in field. I name her `DearLeapingInField'.
When your brother was born...I look up and see birds flying
over. I name him birds flying over...Why you ask me this,
TWODOGSFUCKING."
I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation & how she
would have to make cutbacks...
Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without
the ironing lady.
She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the
the gardener.
This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me.
I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it", the doctor asks?
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back.
"That's not so much", says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day"
replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive" says the doctor.
"Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day"
says the man.
"Well, that's definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take
yourself in hand".
"I do", says the man. "Twice a day".
There were 3 guys, an Australian, a German and an Englishman. All guys were
discussing their cars etc.
The German says "I have a jaguar, and i call it 'pussy' cause it purrs like a cat."
The English man says "Well I have a BMW and i call it Concord, cause it
slices the air while it drives."
Then the Australian says "Well i've got a Holden, and i call it clitoris"
The other two guys look at him and ask why he calls his car that
The Aussie replies " Because every cunt has got one !"
A guy walks into a pub with a pig under his arm, and this pig has a
wooden leg. The guy orders a beer for himself, and a dish of water
for the pig. The barman says "No worries mate. Tell me, how did your
pig there get a wooden leg?"
The guy replies, "Look mate, this is a bloody fantastic pig. One day
I was driving home late at night when I fell asleep crashed the car.
The pig jumped out of the back, set my broken leg, found me water, and
kept me warm until help arrived. Bloody fantastic pig this."
And the barman says, "Thats a pretty impressive pig all right, but you
haven't told me how it got its wooden leg."
So the guy says, "Listen to this mate. A few weeks ago I was going
to America for a business trip. Well some idiot opened the plane door
and I was sucked out. I thought that was the end for me, but far above
me I saw the pig jump out of the plane. It swam through the air to me,
strapped on a parachute, landed me in the sea, blew up a rubber raft,
paddled to shore, hailed a taxi, and got me to my meeting with an
hour to spare!"
And the barman says, "Wow! That sure is some pig you have there, but
you still haven't told me how it got its wooden leg."
So the guy says, "Listen mate, if you had a pig this good, would you
eat it all at once?"
This guy had a costume party one night. The theme was
to dress up as an emotion. On the night...
To a woman dressed all in red...
"Your dressed as... Anger, your emotion is anger."
A man painted completely in yellow.
"Your dressed as...Coward...Fear, your dressed as fear."
Then a Jamacan friend, from work, turns up. He is as
naked as the day he was born except for a custard pie placed over
his crutch.
"Dexter...Your dressed as... as...Shit mate, what are you dressed
as?"
"I'm f**king dis custard, mon." (disgusted)
Q. How do Irich men get their wives pregnant ???
A. And you thought the Irish were dumb !!
Q. WHY DO TAMPONS HAVE STRINGS??
A. SO CRABS CAN GO BUNGEE JUMPING!!
Q: What noise does a turkey make in space?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble!
Q: Why did the Hubble cross the road?
A: To take photos of the chicken.
Q: How many astronauts does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Two. One to unscrew it, and another to install a correcting lens.
A sheep grazier has hired some aboriginal farm hands to help him on
the property, one of whom's wife is pregnant... This aboriginal lady
gives birth to a white child so the father approaches the property owner
(who happens to be the only white man) wanting to know what has been going on...
Aboriginal : Ok, so what's the story, my wife just gave birth to a white
boy bossman, whyha do this bossman?
Grazier : I didn't do anything, these things happen, honest they do,
it's just the way nature works, every so often it happens.
Aboriginal : No, no, boss, you been foolin with my wife...
Grazier : Now look here boy, every so often these things happen, look I
got all these white sheep and every so often ya get a black
one, it happens...
Aboriginal : Ok, I'll forget about me boy if you forget about the sheep...
There was an Australian, American and Irish astronaut all bragging to each
other about what achievment they would to do in their careers
The Australian says " I want to be the first Australian to land on the moon"
The American says " I want to be the first Human being to land on Mars! "
The Irish astronaut says " I want to be the first human being to land on the Sun !"
The American and Australian shake their heads and exclaim to the irishman
"You can't land on the sun it's to hot you'll burn up ! "
The Irishman says " Well I'll go at night then ! "
Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A PREGNANT AUSTRALIAN?
A. A DOPE CARRIER.
An Australian woman's car was involved in a motor accident.
A policeman asked what gear she was in.
"Can't you see for yourself? I'm wearing a floral dress with
brown shoes and a matching handbag."
An Australian woman's car was stalled at the traffic lights.
After a while a policeman approached her and asked: "Red,
amber, green, don't any of the colors suit you?"
An Australian farmer was bragging in the pub that he could get
in his Holden in the morning and drive all day without reaching
the boundary of his farm. A New Zealander who could not help
hearing the remark replied: "Interesting mate. We've got cars
like that in New Zealand too"
Q: How do you sink an Australian Submarine?
A: Knock on the hatch!
A notice in an Australian police station:
"Help the Police -- Beat yourself up."
When will the the Australian police force become sucessful?
When it catches more criminals than it employs.
Whats the definition of an australian in a 3 piece suit?
The defendant.
Q: Hear about the Australian String Quartet that is visting
New Zealand at the moment?
A: There are six members.
Q: Why did the first koala fall out of the tree?
A: It was dead!
Q: Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?
A: The first one hit it on the way down.
Q: Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?
A: It thought suicide was in so it jumped!
Q: Why do platypuses (those fury things that live in the water) have
flat beaks?
A: Koalas keep falling on them!
Subject: Ag Science students.
There were these 3 Ag Science students driving along this old farm
road on day when they saw this farm, pulled in and knocked
on the farmers door.
The farmer answered the door and the 3 students introduced themselves and
said, "We were just passing by and saw your field of buttercups and was
wondering if we could go and get us a bucket full of butter"?
The old farmer scratched his head and said, " you boys ain't gonna get no
butter from buttercups but your more than welcome to try".
About an hour later the 3 came back thanked the farmer and drove off with
their bucket full of butter. The farmer once again scratched and shook his
head, mumbled under his breath about, "Them damn uni students" and went on about
his business.
About 3 months later the same 3 students came up to the farm,
knocked on the door and asked the farmer if he remembered them. He
chuckled and asked what he could do for them this time?
Well, one of them said. We were just driving by and happened to see
you now have a field of milkweed and we were wondering if we could go
out and get us a bucket of milk?
Once again the old farmer chuckled, shook his head, scratched it
and sarcastically said, "You boys go on out there and get your milk
from my milkweeds".
Once again, bout an hour later the 3 came back with their bucket
FULL of milk and drove off. This time the farmer was really confused,
but just a little less skeptical.
It was about 3 or 4 months later when the 3 agricultural students
came back and again knocked on the farmers door, this time saying that
they were driving by and saw the field full of PUSSYwillows.
Needless to say the farmer went with them.
What do all the female deer do when the male deer are off with Santa Claus?
Go into town and blow a few bucks!
... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a
programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting
down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That
behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and
never when standing.
Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal
know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though,
know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to
hypothesize: was there a loose with under the carpet, or problems with static
electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible.
An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard:
the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a
touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led
astray by hunting and pecking.
-- from the Programming Pearls column eddited by Jon Bentley in CACM Feb. '85
THESE ARE ACTUAL EXCERPTS FROM STUDENT SCIENCE EXAM PAPERS:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put
the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a
great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous
generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them
perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures
another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often
in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have
more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above
the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered,
then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make
artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat
T.A.F.E C O U R S E S
A U T U M N S E M E S T E R
E V E N I N G C L A S S E S F O R A D U L T S
SOCIAL SCIENCE DIVISION
- Creative Suffering
- Overcoming Peace of Mind
- You and your Birthmark
- Guilt Without Sex
- The Primel Shrug
- Ego Gratification Through Violence
- Moulding Your Child's Behaviour Througgh Guilt and Fear
- Dealing with Post Self-Realization Deppression
- Whine your Way to Alienation
- How to Overcome Self-Doubt through Preetence and Ostentation
BUSINESS AND ADMINISTRATION DIVISION
- Money Can Make You Rich
- Talking Good : How You Can Improve Speeech and Get a Better Job
- "I Made $100.00 in Real Estate"
- Packaging and Selling Your Child (Pareents Guide to the Slave Market)
- How to Profit from Your Own Body
- Career Opportunities in Iraq
- Underachievers Guide to Very Small Bussiness Opportunities
- Filler Phrases for Thesis Writers
- Tax Shelters fot the Indigent
- Looter's Guide to America's Cities
HOME ECONOMICS DIVISION
- How you can Convert Your Family Room iinto a Garage
- How to Cultivate Viruses in Your Refriigerator
- Burglarproof Your Home with Concrete
- Basic Kitchen Taxidermy
- Sinus Drainage at Home
- 101 Other Uses for your Vacuum Cleanerr
- The Repair and Maintenance of Your Virrginity
- What to do with Your Conversation Pit
- How to Convert a Wheelchair into a Dunne Buggy
- Christianity and the Art of TV maintennance
LIFE, HEALTH AND FITNESS DIVISION
- Creative Tooth Decay
- Exercises and Acne
- The Joys of Hypochondria
- High Fiber Sex
- Suicide and Your Health
- Biofeedback and How to Stop
- Skate Your Way to Regularity
- Understanding Nudity
- Tap Dance Your Way to Social Ridicule
- Optional Body Functions
FINE ARTS DIVISION
- Self Actualisation through Macrame
- Needlecraft for Junkies
- Cuticle Craft
- Gifts for the Senile
- Bonsai Your Pet
- Creative Writing with Sticks
- Body Painting for the Elderly
- 100 Ways to Wok Your Dog
- Belly Dancing for the Obese
Two words you don't want to hear in the men's room:
"Nice dick"
Three words you don't want to hear during sex:
"Honey, I'm home"
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Drop Trouser, Sydney 2120.
Dear ___________,
We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and
represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.
Although your general physical appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
Directors feel that your wearing of our product in advertisements does not
portray a positive romantic image for our product. A loose, baggy and
wrinkled condom is not considered romantic.
We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using poly-grip, but even
then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like
to note however that yours is the first we have seen that looked like a
bicycle grip.
We appreciate your interest and would like to thank you for your time. We
will retain your application for possible future consideration. If by
chance we decide there is a market for mini-condoms we will call you.
We send greetings and sympathy for your lady.
Sincerely,
Burly Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.
P.S. Remember our slogans:
Cover your stump before you hump!
Don't be silly, protect your willie!
Never deck her with an unwrapped packer!
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker!
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!
A Tiskit, a taskit, a condom or a casket!
"The Hole In The Bed" by Mr. Completely
"Safety On The Rifle Range" by Miss Fyre
"Holes In The Toilet" by I. P. Stones
"Yellow River" by I. P. Freeley
"Rusty Bedsprings" by I. P. Nightly
"In The Bushes" by I. P. Dailey
"How The Homos Came To Be" by Ben Dover
"The Bear Got Me" by Claude Bawls
"Under The Grandstand" by I. Seymour Butz
"Spots On The Wall" by Pickett & Flickett
"I Dare You" by Hugo Furst
"Tragedy On The Cliff" by Eileen Dover
"Elephant's Dong" by Miles Long
"How To Upkeep Your Yard" by Lon Moore
"Running Milk" by I. Suckatit
"Open Komono" by C. Moore Hayers
"Tracks In The Sand" by Peter Dragon
"The Bride's Big Surprise" by E. Norma Speeder
"Shorter Miniskirts" by Seymour Hiney
"Race To The Outhouse" by Willie Maykit
Illustrated by Betty Doant, foreward by Betty Woant
"Bloody Saddles" by Ontha Ragg
"Stained Ceilings" by I.B. Yakinov, foreward by Jack Knauf
"The Joy Of Self-Abuse" by Dick Pullar, foreward by Jack Goff
"The Art Of The Strip Tease" by Oliver Klosoff
"Sex In The Vatican" by Ho Lee Fuk
"French Athletes" by Jacques Strappe
"Lying To Your Lover" by Faye King
"Why I Like Chevys" by Iona Ford
"Genital Grooming" by Harry Dix
"Women In Jazz" by Bertha D. Blooz
"Father Gets Even" by Amanda B. Reckinwith
"Loving Two Women At The Same Time" by W. Pleasure and W. Funn
"Tax-free Withdrawals" by Robin Banks
"Gay Fashion" by Leo Tard
"Unbelievable" by Frank Lee Stund
"Venereal Disease Symptoms" by Dick Boyles
"Why I Became A Woman" by Mike Hunt
"That Loveable Lush" by Al Koholik
"Pile In The Desert" by Squatten Lee Vitt
"Beer: The Secrets To Success" by Phil R. Upp
"How To Leave Early" by Ken I. Gonow
"How To Make More Room In A Bed" by Sly Dover
"Chinese Vulgarities" by Phuck Yoo
"Programming With Oriental Computers" by C. P. Yoo
"Down The Flag Pole" by Dick Burns
"Highrise Ups and Downs" by L. E. Vader
"Chinese Golfing Techniques" by Ho Lin Wun
"How I Betrayed You, My Buddy" by Scrooge Orwyfe
"Puppet Masters And Their Secrets" by Hal D. Doody
"How Not To Act Around The Physically Impaired" by Ken U. Wock
"How to Lose Weight" by Yudo Neet
"Runner's High" by Ira N. Minnymiles
"Shaving Your Entire Body" by Harry Oliver
"Experimenting With Drugs" by Ike N. Fly
"How To Make Yourself Blind" by Harry Pawms, foreward by B. Churmeet
"Child Psychology" by I. B. Goode
"The Ruined Sheets" by C. Menstains
"The Bulimic's Guide" by Thoreau Upp
"Life On Other Planets" by Edie Foanhoam
"Urinary Tract Infections" by I. Pease Eldom
"Blood On The Hurdles" by I. Hung Lo
"Winter Driving Tips" by I. C. Rhodes
"Home Canning" by Sal Minella
"Is It In Yet?" by Izzy Honor
"Finishing Your Own Furniture" by Lynne C. Doyle
"How To Be A Nursemaid At Home" by Karen Feeding
"Hawaiian Orgy" by Cummoniwannalayya
"The Best Erogenous Zones" by Val Gyna
"Circumcision" by Dick Hertz
"The Pregnant Nun" by Pastor Period
"How I Got High" by Iona Shringe
"So You've Testified Against The Mafia, Now What?" by Yurin Trubble
"How To Hang Drapes" by Kurt N. Rod
"Artificial People" by Frank N. Stein
"Here I Come!" by R. U. Reddy
"Productive Complaining" by Belle E. Akin
"Don't Do It" by Yul B. Sawry
"How Not To Handle Stress" by Sue E. Syde
"Little Women" by Barbie Dahl
"Throwing Money Away" by Phil T. Rich
"Play It Safe" by Justin Case
"The Marlena Dietrich Story" by Ivana Beale Owen
``The Congress that authorized use of force is 95 percent male, 95
percent white and has no acknowledged lesbians. It is hardly a
representative body.''
For those of you who've just spent a week in the closet, here is the war
so far:
* We attacked in the air, with precision bombing raids.
* Iraq has fired about twenty missiles at countries who either
weren't in the war, or were countries that he was calling on to
help him. Most missed. About five hit, destroying one
portaloo and almost injuring the family dog.
* Iraq has taken some prisoners and given them free
hallucinogenics.
* SiliCorp, the major glass manufacturer, has dropped 20 points
on the exchange. The reason is believed to be an imminent
over-supply of glass - several thousand square kilometers, in
fact.
---------------------------------------
MOTOROLA EDGED OUT IN FABRICATION TECHNOLOGY
FOR VLSI (VERY LARGE-SCALE INTEGRATION) CIRCUITS
Austin, TX - Recognition for the greatest expertise in the fabrication
of physically large integrated circuits is generally accorded to
Motorola's Austin-based Solid State Devices group. Although some low
volume and special application integrated circuits by other
manufacturers exhibit larger physical dimensions, Motorola handily beats
all others in the field of "mass produced" chips, having several
standard items which are fabricated on a single, continuous, silicon
crystal base of 420 mils by 420 mils.
Industry talk is that this distinction will be lost within the next few
weeks as the 327th Strategic Bomb Wing of the U.S. Air Force releases
plans to produce a single, continuous silicon crystal measuring 2,200
kilometers by 2,200 kilometers. Refusing to reveal specifics of the
project, Air Force press officer, Major Robert Dugan, did acknowledge
that the crystal would probably be produced using "existing technology"
and that it would be produced at the Air Force's Middle-East Test
Facility (METF).
Motorola spokesmen were unavailable for comment.
---------------------------------------
On the press conferences with the spokesman:
What he said happened:
144 Coalition planes shot down
What really happened:
10 Coalition planes shot down
What he said happened:
Military, industrial and scientific targets attacked in Tel Aviv.
What really happened:
Breakfast nook destroyed, owner out of town.
What he said happened:
Coalition bombing caused minor damage to residential areas of Bagdhad.
What really happened:
Iraqi military infrastructure destroyed.
What he said happened:
Saudi Arabia bathed in blood of traitors.
What really happened:
Trash dumpster damaged, porch light went out (might be unrelated).
What he said happened:
Tel Aviv has become a crematorium.
What really happened:
See "Military, industrial and scientific attacked in Tel Aviv" above...
What he said happened:
Scud missile salvos laid waste to Daharan and Riyadh.
What really happened:
Patriot manufacturer Raytheon's stock goes up 4 5/8ths in one day.
What he said happened:
Frog missiles scored devastating attack on Coalition forces.
What really happened:
Hole made in sand dune.
What he said is happening:
Arabs worldwide are joining Iraq in Holy War
What is really happening:
Arabs worldwide are watching "Holy War" on CNN
---------------------------------------
The night which the fighting broke out in IRAQ....
Right around 9:00 PM (east coast time), just before the president spoke
to the United States, broadcasters were talking, and a TV image of Bush
was being projected behind them.....
The cameras zoomed in on Bush and there he was for the world to
see....He was picking his nose....
The camera people quickly picked up on this, and the screen went black,
until the actual speech started.....
I know it gave me a great feeling of confidence,
The "leader" of the free world, picking his nose and announcing war.....
---------------------------------------
Seen on the wall of Thomas Cook in Bahrain:
Visit Iraq!
Before Iraq visits you!
---------------------------------------
Statement : "We have completed over 10,000 missions last week", he
remarked, his visage suffused with the blush of modest pride.
Fact : Last week, 10,000 flights originated at our air bases. We
have included in this figure refueling flights, civilian flights, all
deviant Delta Airlines flights, pizza deliveries, and the all-important
flights of fancy. We are also, for the moment, including flights made
by our personnel to the "facilities", brought upon by consumption of
spicy Arabic food. In this context, in all fairness, we have not
included the success rate of payloads dropped.
Statement : "We have had an 80% success rate", said the general, with
resolute jaw thrust boldly upward.
Fact : In 80% of the missions we have undertaken, we have dropped our
payloads. In some cases, we have even, with stern resolve, hit
targets. However, we acknowledge that the carpet bombing of the
Tibetan Dalai Lama HQ represented an error in judgment, when one of
our fine airmen mistook altitude for latitude.
Statement : "We have flattened their nucular (sic) capabilities", said
a grim Chief, teeth clenched in an all too common display of grit and
lust.
Fact : We have bombed beyond recognition a factory that resembled the
Three Mile Island plant, with a clear sign in front that read
"Primary Nuclear Manufacturing Unit/Infant Formula Division, Allah be
merciful !".
Statement : "Their communications system has been demolished", the
spokesman continued, "cutting off all contact within their armed
forces". A murmur of admiration filled the room.
Fact : The entire Iraqi 900- and 976- lines have been systematically
disrupted. We have re-wired the perennial favorite, the "Curse The
Satanic West" 900- number to the MTV request line, and are in the
process of dismantling the toll-free lines that were earlier used by
Saddam Hussain to order armaments and chemicals for his war against Iran.
Statement : "The Republican Guards have being decimated", remarked the
Chairman Of The Joint Chiefs Of Staff In Command Of Allied Forces
Worldwide For The Shielding And Subsequent Storming Of The Desert", his
eyes a-twinkle with barely concealed merriment.
Fact : We have impressed deeply upon the Iraqi elite Republican Guard
troops the need to convert to a metric system of measurement.
---------------------------------------
In the wake of news reports concerning "Civilian targets" being bombed -
There is a report that the Iraquii National Library was totally
destroyed by Allied bombings.
Both of Iraq's books were destroyed.
The worst part is, one wasn't even finished being colored in !
---------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Iraqui commander who paid $30,000 for a piece of
sandpaper? He'd been told it was a map of Kuwait!
Did you know that the Iraqis have found two new uses for camels? Food
and transport!
Iraqui soldiers are having to change their socks twice a day because of
the smell of de-feet!
It's been discovered that the Iraqis are not to blame for the oil slicks
in the Gulf after all. Apparently it was caused by the Italian navy
having a swim...
Saddam is also thought to believe that Bush actually likes him a lot
because he heard George was giving him a Cruise for his birthday!
---------------------------------------
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
1300.01 GENERAL
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
harvest attorneys.
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
dealerships.
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
ambulances, or hospitals.
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health
department
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
attorneys.
BAG LIMITS
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
7. Cut-throat 2
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
Ben Dover And C. Howlett Fields Attorneys At Law
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck
defiance.
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those
figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice,
"How much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign
remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this
particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
"How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for (other generic profession) brain?"
"4 dollars an ounce."
"How much for lawyer brain?"
"100 dollars an ounce."
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of
brain?"
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's
father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said
and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there
were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter.
To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the
long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St.
Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided
him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his
desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so
special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for
which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about
193 years old!"
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city
subscribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
more of them."
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it
to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
had solved her legal troubles.
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
money there has been only one answer to that question."
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their
respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their
new Heavenly station.
After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show
them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete
brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, naturally) of a
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least
until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's
getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below
begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a
street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on
the left as the Pope's new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the
pontiff his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's
the deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and
I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?" Pete looks
at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow, this street
is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and
religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your
dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first
(non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the
judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer
of mine."
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to
have him arrested for ?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his
fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the
judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10 minutes and
it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the
jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone
waited.
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent
the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict
yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone
asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to cross
the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we
better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out
some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below
the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's
ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could
you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back "You're
in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says
"That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried
about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front
page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once
and for all.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
you're going to find a lawyer?"
An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can
you get pregnant from anal intercourse?"
"Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?"
At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to
another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to
lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more
plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and
thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. However, sometimes
it very hard to extrapolate our test results to human beings."
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the
country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each
summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's
not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which
happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay
with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living
in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his
Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning
breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries
and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a
male and a female.
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover.
His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he
could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his
shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure
enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while
visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just
had to save his friend.
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his
gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the
other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told
you that the Czech was in the Male?"
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court
when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know
what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything
there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to
be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins:
'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've
treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see
it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin
headache?'
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a
diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.
I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after
the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is
the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal
your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a
kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking
at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you
addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into
stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of
Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of
Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the
patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now.
Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and
the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you
pass the kidney stone?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best Vodka out of his pack; pours some
into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of
the world, nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we
produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw
it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the
bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and
begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the
world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar
and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...".
Saying that, he throws the pack of Havanas through the window. One more
time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws
the Lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and
steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a
right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer
answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me
today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50
[attorneys don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher
hadn't brought the shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would
be unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from
the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
Q:How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb.
A2:You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
A3:Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and
forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of
failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting,
elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the
front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just
inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the
carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of
the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned
agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without
elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any
other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a
counter-clockwise direction,this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light
Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"),
the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing
of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent
with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the
first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of
the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall
occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures
described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note
that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also
being non-negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of
the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized
by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the
party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing
his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they
were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a
controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these
things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St.
Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a
panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy,
correct?" The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15
cents and tell him to go to hell."
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he
means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on
your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own
pockets.
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow.
One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns.
Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator
It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
Legal business card:
Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe Attorneys at Law
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.
Benjamin Franklin.
A gate exists in the abyss to separate heaven and hell. Through
the years of use, the gate finally rusted and fell apart. St.Peter (I
think that's his name) suggests to the devil that the cost of replacing
the gate should be split between heaven and hell, but the devil refuses
to pay.
After hours of argument, they decided to settle in court. Both of
them went back to find a lawyer to help defend their case. St.Peter
looked all over heaven and he couldn't find one.
------The Canonical Collection of Light Bulb Jokes------
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four
to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the
Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1:None of your damn business!
A2:50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three:
One to write the light bulb removal program,
One to write the light bulb insertaion program, and
One to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that
nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One th change the bulb and one not to change it.
Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The
true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how
good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorrilas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb
installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to
dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001,
Multitasking Incadescent Source System Facility, of which
10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left
blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------
consists of sequences of non-blank characters seperated by
blanks".
Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the
first one.
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to
shoot the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual anyway.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on
payment of license fee.
Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get
it done.
Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1:None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2:None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to
do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a
hot tub.
Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Generals/Politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb, and 1,000,000 to rebuild
civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
Q: How many med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from
under him.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!
Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
Q: How many supply-side economists does it take to screw in
a light bulb?
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would
screw itself in.
Q: How many (ethnics) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10: One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
Q: How many strong (ethnics) does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115: One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
Q: How many (ethnic) gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many people does it take to throw away a one Watt bulb?
A: Five: A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven: One to install the new bulb, and six to figure what to do
with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better
it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One-third less than for a regular bulb.
Q: How many Jewish-American Pricesses does it take to screw in a
light bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many economists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and the other to assume the ladder.
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give
it a suprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light
bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of
subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity
reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many junkies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who says it's dark?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many U.S. Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 50: One to screw in the bulb and 49 to guard him.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take
to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy
dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist
dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask,
masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak
up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture,
remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-
high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has
driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's
real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck,
drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how
to do it.
Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace
a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around
him.
In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff,
the male staff has created a set of courses for females of
all marital status. The following courses will be offered:
General Education:
GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges
GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")
GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One
GE104: How to Parallel Park
GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity
GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps
GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera
Home Economics:
HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Prematurely
HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely
HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely
HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely
HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How
to Cut Credit Cards in Half")
HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How
Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")
Interpersonal Relationships:
IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation
IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy
Watching Roller Derby
IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)
IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce
IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your
Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")
IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials
(formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator'
is REALLY For!")
Sex Education:
SE101a: How to Say "Yes"
SE101b: How to Say "No" But Mean "Yes"
SE102: Sex - It's Not Just for Breakfast Anymore
SE103: Who Belongs on Top and Why
SE104: Lingerie - The Gift that Keeps On Giving
SE105: Sexual Alternatives for "That Time of the Month"
(formerly titled "Any Old Port in a Storm")
SE106: Foreplay (not a required course, for extra credit only)
QUOTES
It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out next
morning it was someone else. - Rogers
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. - Chekhov
Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms of a
chambermaid as a duchess. - Dr. Johnson
If a man hears much that a woman says, she is not beautiful. - Haskins
A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. - Du Bois
A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house. - Moliere
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the
ideal never goes unpunished. - Goethe
In matrimony, to hesitate is sometimes to be saved. - Butler
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, it
must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. - Nietzsche
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. - Dumas
Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely given them little. - Dr. Johnson
The great question... Which I have not been able to answer...is, "What does a woman want? - Freud
Marriage is like a cage; one sees the birds outside desperate to get in, and
those inside desperate to get out. - Montaigne
For a male and female to live continuously together is... Biologically
speaking, an extremely unnatural condition. - Robert Briffault
Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins
At American weddings, the quality of food is inversely proportional to the
social position of the bride and the groom. - Calvin Trillin
Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the
more interested he is in her. - Agatha Christie
Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus
Love is only the game that is not called on account of darkness. - M. Hirschfield
Men have better time than women; for one thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. - H. L.
Mencken
When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one. - Helen
Rowland
The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman. - S.
T. Coleridge
Life's a bitch, and then you marry one. - Bob Noble
Bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others. - Oscar
Wilde
It destroys one's nerves to be amiable everyday to the same human being. - Benjamin Disraeli
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. - Jackie Mason
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy. - Unknown
I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night.
- Carrie Snow
In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley
Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and
bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes
unpunished. - Goethe
Marriage is mind over matter: if the husband doesn't mind, it doesn't matter...
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower; but for the groom, it's curtains!
A wedding is a funeral where a man smells his own flowers.
The wedding night should be like a good chicken meal - a little bit of breast, a little bit of leg...and a lot
of stuffing !!!
Treat the bride like a new car, go easy for the first 500.
Forecast for Wedding...
Expected development of warm front, with extreme turbulence and moisture in lower regions. Good
possibility of six inches overnight. Sun (son) is expected later on.
Love is a thousand miles long but comes in six inch installments.
Easy on the throttle, steady on the gears, roll her over gently and she'll last for many years.
If you don't want the stork to come, shoot in the air.
Hope your honeymoon is like a train ride through the Khyber Pass, one long hard route.
Don't go on your honeymoon for longer than 5 days, or you will get a Weak End.
Take heed from those who know Tie you nightie to your toes Close your eyes - hold your nose Then see
how it goes...
Don't keep him in the dog house too often or he might give his bone to the woman next door.
Treat him like a flower...grab him by the stalk.
We are curious to know why you both wanted to borrow the black leather boots and bullwhip ?
Please remember that Brandy makes you Randy, Whiskey makes you Frisky, but it's
a good stiff Johnny Walker that makes you Pregnant.
Don't Spring on the Inner-Spring this Spring or there will be an Off-Spring next Spring.
Sorry I cannot be at wedding...please send me a photo of the bride and groom mounted.
Congratulations - rots of ruck - sideways is great.
Confucius say man who sink into woman's arms soon have arms in woman's sink.
Confucius say wife for life is better than wife for strife.
Don't buy your bed from Grace Brothers (Myers); they stand behind everything they sell.
Hope all your Tries are not converted.
A honeymoon should be like a table...four bare legs and no drawers.
I was engaged myself once. To a contortionist. But she broke it off.
Go west young man, get up the Darling as far as you can.
And the story of the man who called his son Vendetta, because he always had it in for him...
The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.
Congratulations and best wishes on this very special day.
Love Bill and Mary Farkin and the whole farkin family.
The groom, upon his engagement, went to his father and said, "I've found a woman
just like mother!" His father replied, "So what do you want from me, sympathy?"
Your TV viewing on your wedding night will be...
Firstly, The Marriage Game,
Followed by, Great Temptation,
The Untouchables,
Mission Impossible,
The Time is Right,
Rawhide and Bonanza.
They were married on the cricket field, that night they were quite wicket, the
bride said with a happy smile, I'm sure this can't be cricket.
A lifetime in snooker my dearest, it's happened to you, so don't forget to chalk
his cue and the first game you play make sure it's at the end of the day.
Two passing ships making matrimonial knots while fouled in each others stern
line, recommended inter between course 69 STOP. Happy voyage, bottoms up.
Congratulations on finding a socket outlet for your plug!
Advice to submariners - if torpedo overheats, load tube, go deep and eject.
May the bluebird of happiness crap all over your wedding cake.
Don't be too liberal at the country party or you'll wind up in Labor.
She offered her honor, he honored her offer, and all night he was on her and off her.
Be sure to tie your nightie to your toes, 'cos you know where the wild goose goes.
Sorry I can't make your wedding, I'm half full under the table.
Congratulations on the termination of your isolation and may I express an
appreciation of your determination to end the desperation and frustration which
has caused you so much consternation in giving you the inspiration to make a
combination to bring an accumulation to the population.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, you're doing it wrong.
A good woman is like a good bar...liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
Spouse, n: Someone who will stand by you through all the trouble you wouldn't
have had if you'd stayed single in the first place.
Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence.
Marriage is a trip between Niagra Falls and Reno.
Marriage is an institution - but who wants to live in one?
Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of person your spouse would have really preferred.
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is
the triumph of hope over experience.
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"
His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."
The boys thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black..."
"It's just to hot to wear clothes today," said Jack as he stepped out of the
shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."
One time, before a friend's wedding reception, we passed out keys (blanks) to
several girls (and even one guy). Before some toasts were made, the best man
said to the guests, "Now that Jim is married, it is probably a good idea to have
any of you girls out there with a key to his apartment to turn it in now." Then
the pre-selected girls (about a dozen of them) slowly walked up and handed in
their keys as they made bedroom-eyes at him and flirted a bit. Then the guy
walked up, turned in the key, and kissed the groom on the cheek while grabbing
his butt. It's probably not original, but it worked pretty well.
"Honey, I have a confession to make," a guy told his bride. "I'm a golf nut.
You'll never see me on weekends during golf season."
"Well, dear," she murmured. "I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker."
"No big deal," replied the groom. "Just keep your head down and your left arm straight."
"I'm fed up with your jealousy," the furious wife told her husband. "Do you
think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall,
blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?"
A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main
Street. "But, officer," the man began, "I can explain" "Just be quiet,"
snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the
chief gets back." "But, officer, I just wanted to say" "And I said to keep
quiet! You're going to jail!" A few hours later the officer looked in on his
prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding.
He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the
fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
Once there was a Millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the
pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that
was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he
announces: "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give
1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full
of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word there
was the sound of a large SPLASH! There was one guy in the pool swimming with
all he could, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally he made it
to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed, he said "My boy that
was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my
end of the bargain, which do you want my daughter or the 1 million dollars? The
guy says "Listen I don't want your money! And I don't want your daughter! I
want the person who pushed me in that WATER!
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a
king-size hangover and asked his wife "What the hell happened?".
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him," said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
What's the difference between inlaws and outlaws? Outlaws are WANTED!
A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death. It also
enquires him whether she should be buried or burnt. He replies, "Don't take
chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."
I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.
Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mother-in-law's.
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With
a low voice he sad to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"
A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he
asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service, they opted
for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to
the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep
his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the
sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I want
the traditional service."
Why does a bride have that certain smile on her face?
Because she knows she's given her last blowjob.
Having spent half the night discussing involvement vs. committment (one of my
favorite topics when I've had a couple of glasses of wine and am feeling
particularly cranky) with my boyfriend, I was quite amused to see the following
saying pop up when I logged in the next morning:
Committment, n.:
Committment can be best illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig
was committed.
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on
the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm
sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his
wife again.
This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?."
Starting next month, Playboy magazine will be adding another centerfold to each
issue. This one will be geared to the married men...it'll be the same picture every month.
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from his
honeymoon a chastened husband. He became aware of the will of the wisp.
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble
on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your
marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had him
arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. She's a women who conks to stupor.
As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang. The husband
picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, "Damn it! How should I
know? Call the weather bureau!" and hung up.
"What was that all about?" wife asked.
"Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear."
Why don't young girls fart? Because they have to grow up and marry an asshole!
Today, when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a cheering
squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a boarder.
There are three kinds of sex in a marriage.
The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll
have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen.
The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids,
so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the
hallway and say "Fuck you."
There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get
divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court.
In the old country, it is custom for women to enter, virginal and sexually
ignorant, into marriages arranged by their parents.
In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was
wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.
When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the brides insistence,
stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried
looking bride came rushing through the door.
"Mother, Mother!" cried the girl, "He says that we should sleep together!"
"Its allright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you."
"Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband, who had already begun to
disrobe. When she saw his hairy chest, she went running back to her mother.
"Mother, Mother, he is taking off his clothes, and he is covered in hair!"
"It's allright girl, men have hair on their bodies, don't let it bother
you... Now, get back their before he starts wondering about you."
When she returns, she finds the man naked for the first time, and sees that
he had part of his right foot amputated. She flees, in fright, back to mom.
"Mother, mother, he only has a foot and a half!"
"Stand back girl," says the mother, "This is a job for a real woman!"
"And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you," said the husband.
"Yes, several," the wife replied.
"Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed."
"I did."
Now-it-can-be-told Dept.: Basketball coach Jim Valvano of North Carolina State,
on his marriage: "I thought her name was Lavini and that she was Italian. It was
Levine and she was Jewish. She thought because of my big nose I was Jewish.
We were married for three years before we knew we had a mixed marriage."
Personal ad in a local paper:
David G. Contact me soon! Bring three rings: Engagement, wedding, and teething. Have news. Debbie.
In the middle of his honeymoon, the young Cajun bridegroom left his bride back
at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His
father asks him, "Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?" The boy
replies, "Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she
want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?" The father says,
"Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin."
The boy says, "Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma
wife." The father says, "So what difference dis make?" To which the son says,
"Well daddy, I jus got to figure if she ain't good nuff for her own family she
shore ain't good enough for ours."
On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the
hotel while the sun is setting. "Honey", she says, "now that we're married, will
you tell me what a penis is?" He almost fell off the chair when he heard her
ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.
"*This*, my love, is a penis." he told her. "Oh", she exclaimed, "it's like a
dick, but only much smaller."
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon
trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still
there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when
they arrive. The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see
what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!"
Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged
in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with
their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them
between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around
his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they rush together and make mad
tumultuous love like crazed weasels.
The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his
eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more
aroused herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right
out and get some grapefruit and Lifesavers!"
A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone
rings. The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.
He says, "She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought."
Divorce is bachelorhood, with strings attached.
Marriage is the sole cause of divorce.
Says Jim after the divorce was finally settled -
"Eh, I didn't care for some of her habits...I mean, she was a slob! Every time I
went to take a piss, she always had dirty dishes laying there in the sink!
Two guys are talking in a bar. The first one says, "My ex-wives were great
housekeepers. The first one kept the house, the second one kept the house..."
How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore...
Alimony : It's the screwing you get, for the screwing you got.
Divorce : When your wife stops screwing you, and her lawyer starts.
Marriage: Why make one man so miserable, when you can make so many, so happy.
An elderly couple, in their 90's appears before the judge, and both are asking for a divorce.
"He gambles, stays out nights, runs around with women. I can't take it anymore," she said.
"She keeps the house a mess, never has time for me, runs around with other men," he said.
"How long has this been going on?", asked the judge.
"About seventy years," they both replied.
"And you waited until now to get a divorce?"
"Well, we were waiting for the children to die."
MURPHY'S LAWS ON SEX
--------------------
1. The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is
to leave her with no hard feelings.
2. Nothing improves with age.
3. No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it,
because it'll never be quite the same again.
4. Sex has no calories.
5. Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount
of trouble.
6. There is no remedy for sex but more sex.
7. Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think
you've got.
8. No sex with anyone in the same office.
9. Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to
get or how long it is going to last.
10. A man in the house is worth two in the street.
11. If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
12. Virginity can be cured.
13. When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops
listening to him.
14. Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
15. The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the
same ones she can't stand years later.
16. Sex is dirty only if it's done right.
17. It is always the wrong time of month.
18. The best way to hold a man is in your arms.
19. When the lights are out, all women are beautiful.
20. Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you
won't either.
21. Sow your wild oats on Saturday night -- Then on Sunday pray for
crop failure.
22. The younger the better.
23. The game of love is never called off on account of darkness.
24. It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that
caused the trouble in the garden.
25. Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly.
27. Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot
of frogs.
28. There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse
than sex. But there is nothing exactly like it.
29. Love your neighbor, but don't get caught.
30. Love is a hole in the heart.
31. If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone
into our space program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on
the moon.
32. Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics.
33. Do it only with the best.
34. Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned
four-letter words to convey its full meaning.
35. One good turn gets most of the blankets.
36. You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine
women.
37. Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
38. It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at
all.
39. Thou shalt not commit adultery.....unless in the mood.
40. Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you.
41. Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song.
42. Never argue with a women when she's tired -- or rested.
43. A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the
women he couldn't.
44. What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the
stick.
45. It is better to be looked over than overlooked.
46. Never say no.
47. A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her.
48. Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.
49. Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone.
50. Never stand between a fire hydrant and a dog.
51. A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride.
52. Love comes in spurts.
53. The world does not revolve on an axis.
54. Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other
eight are unimportant.
55. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
56. Don't do it if you can't keep it up.
57. There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they
fall in love.
58. Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight.
59. Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
60. "This won't hurt, I promise."
Cartoon Law of Physics
----------------------
Cartoon Law I
=============
Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of its
situation.
Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He loiters in
midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to look down. At this
point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per second per second takes over.
Cartoon Law II
==============
Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter
intervenes suddenly.
Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon characters are
so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone pole or an outsize boulder
retards their forward motion absolutely. Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden
termination of motion the stooge's surcease.
Cartoon Law III
===============
Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation conforming to
its perimeter.
Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the speciality of
victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless cowards who are so
eager to escape that they exit directly through the wall of a house, leaving
a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The threat of skunks or matrimony often
catalyzes this reaction.
Cartoon Law IV
==============
The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or
equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to spiral
down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken.
Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it inevitably
unsuccessful.
Cartoon Law V
=============
All principles of gravity are negated by fear.
Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel them
directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an adversary's
signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to the cradle of a
chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. The feet of a character
who is running or the wheels of a speeding auto need never touch the ground,
especially when in flight.
Cartoon Law VI
==============
As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once.
This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a character's
head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of altercation at several places
simultaneously. This effect is common as well among bodies that are spinning
or being throttled. A `wacky' character has the option of self- replication
only at manic high speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity
required.
Cartoon Law VII
===============
Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel
entrances; others cannot.
This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least it is
known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to trick an opponent
will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical space. The painter is
flattened against the wall when he attempts to follow into the painting. This
is ultimately a problem of art, not of science.
Cartoon Law VIII
================
Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent.
Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives might
comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, accordion-
pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be destroyed. After a few
moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, elongate, snap back, or solidify.
Corollary: A cat will assume the shape of its container.
Cartoon Law IX
==============
Everything falls faster than an anvil.
Cartoon Law X
=============
For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance.
This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to the
physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of watching it
happen to a duck instead.
Cartoon Law Amendment A
=======================
A sharp object will always propel a character upward.
When poked (usually in the buttocks) with a sharp object (usually a pin), a
character will defy gravity by shooting straight up, with great velocity.
Cartoon Law Amendment B
=======================
The laws of object permanence are nullified for "cool" characters.
Characters who are intended to be "cool" can make previously nonexistent
objects appear from behind their backs at will. For instance, the Road Runner
can materialize signs to express himself without speaking.
Cartoon Law Amendment C
=======================
Explosive weapons cannot cause fatal injuries.
They merely turn characters temporarily black and smoky.
Cartoon Law Amendment D
=======================
Gravity is transmitted by slow-moving waves of large wavelengths.
Their operation can be wittnessed by observing the behavior of a canine
suspended over a large vertical drop. Its feet will begin to fall first,
causing its legs to stretch. As the wave reaches its torso, that part will
begin to fall, causing the neck to strech. As the head begins to fall,
tension is released and the canine will resume its regular proportions
until such time as it strikes the ground.
Cartoon Law Amendment E
=======================
Dynamite is spontaneously generated in "C-spaces" (spaces in which cartoon
laws hold).
The process is analogous to steady-state theories of the universe which
postulated that the tensions involved in maintianing a space would cause the
creation of hydrogen from nothing. Dynamite quanta are quite large (stick
sized) and unstable (lit). Such quanta are attracted to psychic forces
generated by feelings of distress in "cool" characters (see Amendment B, which
may be a special case of this law), who are able to use said quanta to their
advantage. One may imagine C-spaces where all matter and energy result from
primal masses of dynamite exploding. A big bang indeed.
Wifespeak English
------------------------------------
* You want <=> You want
* We need <=> I want
* It's your decision <=> The correct decision should be obvious by now
* Do what you want <=> You'll pay for this later
* We need to talk <=> I need to complain
* Sure... go ahead <=> I don't want you to.
* I'm hungry <=> (a) Make me something to eat.
(b) Stop what you are doing, scrape together your
last $5, and go drive across town and get me
something to eat. -- I don't care if what you
are doing is important.
* I'm not upset <=> Of course I'm upset,you moron.
* You're ... so manly <=> You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
* You're certainly <=> Is sex all you ever think about?
attentive tonight.
* I'm not emotional! <=> I'm on my period.
And I'm not
overreacting!
* Be romantic, turn <=> I have flabby thighs.
out the lights.
* This kitchen is so <=> I want a new house.
inconvenient
* The car is empty <=> Go fill it up
* The trash is full <=> Take it out
* The dog is barking <=> Go outside in your underware and see what is wrong
* I want new curtains <=> and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
* I need wedding shoes <=> the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
* Hang the picture there<=> NO, I mean hang it there!
* I heard a noise <=> I noticed you were almost asleep.
* Do you love me? <=> I'm going to ask for something expensive.
* How much do you love <=> I did something today you're really not going to
me? like.
------------------------------------
/* in answer to "What's wrong?" */
--Nothing. <=> Everything.
--Everything. <=> My PMS is acting up.
--Nothing, really. <=> It's just that you're such an asshole.
--I don't want to <=> Go away, I'm still building up steam.
talk about it.
------------------------------------
Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors,
customers, or otehr divisions on the left coast.
East Coast West Coast
---------- ----------
absolutely not maybe
yes maybe
action item by Feb 12 for joe Joe's working on the problem
bozo subcontractor
brawl design review
dictator facilitator
do it and do it now can you sign up for this program?
do it right or you're fired I'm confident you'll get it done
fuck off trust me
follow the spec is there a spec?
get out of my office let's get concensus on this one
he's a jerk he's not signed on to our plan
he's a subordinate he's a team player
I'll cover your ass consider me your resource
ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline
oh shit thanks for bringing that to my attention
overdesigned robust
punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the fuck up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
that's totally incompetent let me build on that point
unemployed consulting
over budget on schedule
under budget we haven't started yet
we finished early (no translation available)
we're done how do you feel about that?
what's your problem? I certainly understand your feelings
where's the spec? what's a spec?
where's the schedule? what's the game plan?
your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan
Airplane Law
When the plane you are on is late,
the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Allison's Precept
The best simple-minded test of expertise in a particular area is
the ability to win money in a series of bets on future occurrences
in that area.
Anthony's Law of Force
Don't force it, get a larger hammer.
Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
corner of the workshop.
Corollary to Anthony's Law
On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always
strike your toes.
Army Axiom
Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.
Axiom of the Pipe (Trischmann's Paradox)
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something
to stick in his mouth.
Baker's Law
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it.
Barth's Distinction
There are two types of people: those who divide people into
two types, and those who don't.
Forthoffer's Cynical Summary of Barzun's Laws
1) That which has not yet been taught directly can never
be taught directly.
2) If at first you don't succeed, you will never succeed.
Baxter's First Law
Government intervention in the free market always leads to a
lower national standard of living.
Baxter's Second Law
The adoption of fractional gold reserves in a currency system
always leads to depreciation, devaluation, demonetization and,
ultimately, to complete destruction of that currency.
Baxter's Third Law
In a free market good money always drives bad money out of
circulation.
Becker's Law
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Beifeld's Principle
The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already
in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, and
(3) a better looking and richer male friend.
Blaauw's Law
Established technology tends to persist in spite of new
technology.
Booker's Law
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
Boren's Laws
1) When in doubt, mumble.
2) When in trouble, delegate.
3) When in charge, ponder.
Brien's First Law
At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization,
its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Brook's Law
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Brown's Law of Business Success
Our customer's paperwork is profit. Our own paperwork is loss.
Bucy's Law
Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
Bustlin' Billy's Bogus Beliefs
1) The organization of any program reflects the organization
of the people who develop it.
2) There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist," only a
capitalist.
3) Anything is possible, but nothing is easy.
4) Capitalism can exist in one of only two states --
welfare or warfare.
5) I'd rather go whoring than warring.
6) History proves nothing.
Bye's First Law of Model Railroading
Anytime you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults
is proportional to the number of viewers.
Bye's Second Law of Model Railroading
The desire for modeling a prototype is inversely proportional
to the decline of the prototype.
Cahn's Axiom
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Camp's Law
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
Canada Bill Jones' Motto
It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.
Canada Bill Jones' Supplement
A Smith and Wesson beats four aces.
Cheop's Law
Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.
Chisholm's Law of Human Interaction
Anytime things appear to be going better you have overlooked
something.
Chisholm's Third Law
Proposals, as understood by the proposer, will be judged otherwise by others.
Corollary 1: If you explain so clearly that nobody can
misunderstand, somebody will.
Corollary 2: If you do something which you are sure will meet
with everyone's approval, somebody won't like it.
Corollary 3: Procedures devised to implement the purpose
won't quite work.
Churchill's Commentary on Man
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Clarke's First Law
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that something
is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he states that
something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Clarke's Second Law
The only way to discover the limits of the possible is to go
beyond them into the impossible.
Clarke's Third Law
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
magic.
Clarke's Law of Revolutionary Ideas
Every revolutionary idea - in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever -
evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the
three phrases:
1) "It is completely impossible -- don't waste my time."
2) "It is possible, but it is not worth doing."
3) "I said it was a good idea all along."
Cohen's Law
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on the
facts -- not the facts themselves.
Cole's Law
Thinly sliced cabbage.
Commoner's Three Laws of Ecology
1) No action is without side-effects.
2) Nothing ever goes away.
3) There is no free lunch.
Cook's Law
Much work -- much food, little work -- little food,
no work -- burial at sea.
Cornuelle's Law
Authority tends to assign jobs to those least able to do them.
Crane's Law(Friedman's Reiteration)
There ain't no such thing as a free lunch.
Diogenes' First Dictum
The more heavily a man is supposed to be taxed, the more power
he has to escape being taxed.
Diogenes' Second Dictum
If a taxpayer thinks he can cheat safely, he probably will.
Dow's Law
In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, the
greater the confusion.
Dunne's Law
The territory behind rhetoric is too often mined with equivocation.
Ehrman's Corollary to Ginsberg's Theorem
1) Things will get worse before they get better.
2) Who said things would get better.
Ettorre's Observation
The other line moves faster.
Evan's Law of Politics
When team members are finally in a position to help the team,
it turns out they have quit the team.
Extended Epstein-Heisenberg Principle
In an R & D orbit, only 2 of the existing 3 parameters can be
defined simultaneously. The parameters are: task, time and
resources ($).
Farber's First Law
Give him an inch and he'll screw you.
Farber's Second Law
A hand in the bush is worth two anywhere else.
Farber's Third Law
We're all going down the same road in different directions.
Farber's Fourth Law
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
The Fifth Rule
You have taken yourself too seriously.
Finagle's First Law
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law
No matter what result is anticipated, there will always be
someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe
it happened to his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Corollary 1: No one whom you ask for help will see it.
Corollary 2: Everyone who stops by with unsought advice
will see it immediately.
Finagle's Fourth Law
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
Finagle's Rules
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Experiments should be reproducible. They should all
fail in the same way.
Do not believe in miracles. Rely on them.
First Law of Bicycling
No matter which way you ride it's uphill and against the wind.
First Law of Bridge
It's always the partner's fault.
First Law of Canoeing(Alfred Andrews' Canoeing Postulate)
No matter which direction you start it's always against the
wind coming back.
First Law of Debate
Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference.
First Law of Office Holders
Get re-elected.
Fitz-Gibbon's Law
Creativity varies inversely with the number of cooks involved
with the broth.
Fortis' Three Great Lies of Life
1) Money isn't everything.
2) So nice to see you.
3) I'm only going to put it in a little way.
Fourteenth Corollary of Atwood's General Law of Dynamic Negatives
No books are lost by loaning except those you particularly
wanted to keep.
Franklin's Rule
Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall not be
disappointed.
Gilb's Laws of Unreliability
1) Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.
Corollary: At the source of every error which is blamed on the
computer you will find at least two human errors,
including the error of blaming it on the computer.
2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
Ginsberg's Theorem
1) You can't win.
2) You can't break even.
3) You can't even quit the game.
Golden Rules of Indulgence
Everything in excess!To enjoy the full flavor of life, take
big bites. Moderation is for monks. Yield to temptation; it may
never pass your way again.
Gray's Law of Programming
n+1 trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
time as n trivial tasks.
Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law of Programming
n+1 trivial tasks take twice as long as n trivial tasks.
Gresham's Law
Trivial matters are handled promptly; important matters are never solved.
Whenver possible blame the hardware.
Grosch's Law
Computing power increases as the square of the cost. If you
want to do it twice as cheaply, you have to do it four times
as fast.
Gummidge'e Law
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the
number of statements understood by the general public.
Gumperson's Law
The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to
its desirability.
Hacker's Law of Personnel
Anyone having supervisory responsibility for the completion of a
task will invariably protest that more resources are needed.
Hagerty's Law
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get
rich or famous or both.
Haldane's Law
The Universe is not only queerer than we imagine;
it is queerer than we CAN imagine.
Harper's Magazine's Law
You never find an article until you replace it.
Hartley's First Law
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to
float on his back you've got something.
Hartley's Second Law
Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
Harvard Law
Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
organism will do as it damn well pleases.
Heller's Law
The first myth of management is that it exists.
Hendrickson's Law
If a problem causes many meetings, the meetings eventually become
more important than the problem.
Hoare's Law of Large Programs
Inside every large program is a small program struggling
to get out.
Horner's Five Thumb Postulate
Experience varies directly with equipment ruined.
Howe's Law
Every man has a scheme that will not work.
Hull's Theorem
The combined pull of several patrons is the sum of their
separate pulls multiplied by the number of patrons.
IBM Pollyanna Principle
Machines should work. People should think.
Imhoff's Law
The organization of any bureaucracy is very much like a septic tank
-- the REALLY big chunks always rise to the top.
Iron Law of Distribution
Them what has - gets.
Italian Proverb
She who is silent consents.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Governments
No man's life, liberty or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
Jay's Laws of Leadership
1) Changing things is central to leadership,
and changing them before anyone else is creativeness.
2) To build something that endures, it is of the greatest
importance to have a long tenure in office -- to rule for
many years. You can achieve a quick success in a year or
two, but nearly all of the great tycoons have continued
their building much longer.
Jenkinson's Law
It won't work.
John Cameron's Law
No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered,
take it, because it'll never be quite the same again.
John's Axiom
When your opponent is down, kick him.
John's Collateral Corollary
In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it.
Johnson's Corollary to Heller's Law
Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within your
organization.
Johnson's First Law of Auto Repair
Any tool dropped while repairing an automobile will roll
under the car to the vehicle's exact geographic center.
Johnson-Laird's Law
Toothache tends to start on Saturday night.
Jones' Law
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought
of someone he can blame it on.
Jones' Motto
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Kamin's First Law
All currencies will decrease in value and purchasing power
over the long term, unless they are freely and fully convertable
into gold and that gold is traded freely without restrictions of
any kind.
Kamin's Second Law
Threat of capital controls accelerates marginal capital
outflows.
Kamin's Third Law
Combined total taxation from all levels of government will
always increase (until the government is replaced by war or
revolution).
Kamin's Fourth Law
Government inflation is always worse than statistics indicate;
central bankers are biased toward inflation when the money unit is
non-convertible, and without gold or silver backing.
Kamin's Fifth Law
Purchasing power of currency is always lost far more rapidly
than ever regained. (Those who expect even fluctuations in both
directions play a losing game.)
Kamin's Sixth Law
When attempting to predict and forcast macro-economic moves or
economic legislation by a politician, never be misled by what he
says; instead watch what he does.
Kamin's Seventh Law
Politicians will always inflate when given the opportunity.
Katz's Law
Men and nations will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
Kerr-Martin Law
1) In dealing with their OWN problems, faculty members are the
most extreme conservatives.
2) In dealing with OTHER people's problems, they are the
world's most extreme liberals.
Kirkland's Law
The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to
the attendance.
Kitman's Law
Pure drivel tends to drive off the TV screen ordinary
drivel.
Lani's Principles of Economics
1) Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
2) $100 placed at 7% interest compounded quarterly for 200
years will increase to more than $100,000,000 by which time it
will be worth nothing.
3) In God we trust, all others pay cash.
La Rochefoucauld's Law
It is more shameful to distrust one's friends than to be
deceived by them.
Law of Communications
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area
of misunderstanding.
Law of Computability Applied to Social Science
If at first you don't succeed, transform your data set.
Law of Selective Gravity(The Buttered Side Down Law)
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Law of the Perversity of Nature(Mrs. Murphy's Corollary)
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of
the bread to butter.
Law of Superiority
The first example of superior principle is always inferior
to the developed example of inferior principle.
Laws of Computer Programming
1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2) Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6) The value of a program is proportional to the weight
of its output.
Le Chatelier's Law
If some stress is brought to bear on a system in equilibrium,
the equilibrium is displaced in the direction which tends to
undo the effect of the stress.
Les Miserables Metalaw
All laws, whether good, bad, or indifferent, must be
obeyed to the letter.
Long's Notes
1) Always store beer in a dark place.
Lord Falkland's Rule
When it is not necessary to make a decision, it is necessary not
to make a decision.
Lowery's Law
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Malek's Law
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Malinowski's Law
Looking from far above, from our high places of safety in
the developed civilization, it is easy to see all the crudity and
irrelevance of magic.
Dean Martin's Definition of Drunkenness
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
Martin-Berthelot Principle
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item,
the reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate
the greatest amount of hot air.
Match's Maxim
A fool in a high station is like a man on the top of a high mountain:
everything appears small to him and he appears small to everybody.
Matsch's Law
It is better to have a horrible ending than to have horrors
without end.
McClaughry's Codicil on Jone's Motto
To make an enemy, do someone a favor.
McClaughry's Law of Zoning
Where zoning is not needed, it will work perfectly;
where it is desperately needed, it always breaks down.
McGoon's Law
The probability of winning is inversely proportional to
the amount of the wager.
McNaughton's Rule
Any argument worth making within the bureaucracy must be
capable of being expressed in a simple declarative sentence that
is obviously true once stated.
H. L. Mencken's Law
Those who can -- do.
Those who cannot -- teach.
Those who cannot teach -- administrate. (Martin's extension)
Merrill's First Corollary
There are no winners in life; only survivors.
Merrill's Second Corollary
In the highway of life, the average happening is of about as
much true significance as a dead skunk in the middle of the road.
Meskimen's Law
There's never time to do it right, but always time to
do it over.
Michehl's Theorem
Less is more.
Pastore's Comment on Michehl's Theorem
Nothing is ultimate.
Miller's Law
You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it.
Mobil's Maxim
Bad regulation begets worse regulation.
Murphy's First Law
Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law
Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law
In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go
wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to
go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law
If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which
a procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way,
unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Eighth Law
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
Murphy's Ninth Law
Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.
Murphy's Tenth Law
Mother nature is a bitch.
Murphy's Eleventh Law
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because
fools are so ingenious.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics
Things get worse under pressure.
Newton's Little-known Seventh Law
A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
Nienberg's Law
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Ninety-ten Rule of Project Schedules
The first ninety percent of the task takes ten percent
of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
percent.
O'Brien's Principle(The $357.73 Theory)
Auditors always reject any expense account with a bottom line
divisible by 5 or 10.
Oeser's Law
There is a tendency for the person in the most powerful
position in an organization to spend all his time serving
on committees and signing letters.
Ordering Principle
Those supplies necessary for yesterday's experiment must
be ordered no later than tomorrow noon.
Osborn's Law
Variables won't, constants aren't.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Laws
Murphy was an optimist.
Pardo's Postulates
1) Anything good is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
2) The three faithful things in life are money, a dog, and an old woman.
3) Don't care if you're rich or not, as long as you can live
comfortably and have everything you want.
Pareto's Law(The 20/80 Law)
20% of the customers account for 80% of the turnover,
20% of components account for 80% of the cost, and
so forth.
Parker's Rule of Parlimentary Procedure
A motion to adjourn is always in order.
Parker's Law of Political Statements
The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its
credibility and vice versa.
Parkinson's First Law
Work expands to fill the time available for its completion;
the thing to be done swells in perceived importance and
complexity in a direct ratio with the time to be spent in
its completion.
Parkinson's Second Law
Expenditures rise to meet income.
Parkinson's Third Law
If there is a way to delay an important decision the good
bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
Parkinson's Fourth Law
The number of people in any working group tends to increase
regardless of the amount of work to be done.
Parkinson's Law of Delay
Delay is the deadliest form of denial.
Pastore's Truths
1) Even paranoids have enemies.
2) This job is marginally better than daytime TV.
3) On alcohol: four is one more than more than enough.
Peckham's Law
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Peer's Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
Peter Principle
In every hierarchy, whether it be government or business, each
employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence; every post
tends to be filled by an employee incompetent to execute its
duties.
Peter's Corollaries
1) Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
2) Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet
reached their level of incompetence.
3) If at first you don't succeed, try something else.
Peter's Inversion
Internal consistency is valued more highly than efficiency.
Peter's Paradox
Employees in a hierarchy do not really object to incompetence
in their colleagues.
Peter's Placebo
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Peter's Theorem
Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.
Potter's Law
The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely
proportional to the subject's true value.
Pudder's Law
Anything that begins well ends badly.
Anything that begins badly ends worse.
Puritan's Law
Evil is live spelled backwards.
Puritan's Second Law
If it feels good, don't do it.
Q's Law
No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a North Sea
(oil) field, the cost of the remainder of the project remains
the same.
Rangnekar's Modified Rules Concerning Decisions
1) If you must make a decision, delay it.
2) If you can authorize someone else to avoid a decision, do so.
3) If you can form a committee, have them avoid the decision.
4) If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately.
Rayburn's Rule
If you want to get along, go along.
Riddle's Constant
There are coexisting elements in frustration phenomena which
separate expected results from achieved results.
Ross' Law
Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.
Rudin's Law
In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative
courses of action, most people will choose the worst one possible.
Rule of Accuracy
When working toward the solution of a problem it always
helps if you know the answer.
Sam's Axiom
1) Any line, however short, is still too long.
2) Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water
that keeps it green.
Sattinger's Law
It works better if you plug it in.
Segal's Law
A man with one watch knows what time it is;
a man with two watches is never sure.
Sevareid's Law
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Shalit's Law
The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the
quality of the movie.
Shanahan's Law
The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of
people present.
Shaw's Principle
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
Simmon's Law
The desire for racial integration increases with the square
of the distance from the actual event.
Simon's Law
Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.
Skinner's Constant(Flannegan's Finagling Factor)
That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer
you should have gotten.
Sociology's Iron Law of Oligarchy
In every organized activity, no matter the sphere,
a small number will become the oligarchial leaders
and the others will follow.
Spare Parts Principle
The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall
from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the
part and inversely with its importance to the completion of
work underway.
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy
Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
Sturgeon's Law
90 per cent of everything is crud.
Swipple Rule of Order
He who shouts loudest has the floor.
Terman's Law
There is no direct relationship between the quality of
an educational program and its cost.
Terman's Law of Innovation
If you want a track team to win the high jump
you find one person who can jump seven feet,
not seven people who can jump one foot.
Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering
In any calculation, any error which can creep in will.
Thoreau's Law
If you see a man approaching with the obvious intent
of doing you good, run for your life.
Transcription Law
The number of errors made is equal to the number of 'squares'
employed.
Truman's Law
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
Truths of Management
1) Think before you act; it's not your money.
2) All good management is the expression of one great idea.
3) No executive devotes effort to proving himself wrong.
4) Cash in must exceed cash out.
5) Management capability is always less than the
organization actually needs.
6) Either an executive can do his job or he can't.
7) If sophisticated calculations are needed to justify an
action, don't do it.
Truth 5.1 of Management
Organizations always have too many managers.
10) The easiest way of making money is to stop losing it.
Tuccille's First Law of Reality
Industry always moves in to fill an economic vacuum.
Vail's Axiom
In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchial level.
Vique's Law
A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Vonnegut's Corollary
Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugliness goes right to the core.
Weaver's Law
When several reporters share a cab on an assignment, the
reporter in the front seat pays for all.
Weaver's Corollary(Doyle's Corollary)
No matter how many reporters share a cab, and no matter who
pays, each puts the full fare on his own expense account.
Weber-Fechner Law
The least change in stimulus necessary to produce a perceptible
change in response is proportional to the stimulus already existing.
Weiler's Law
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to
do it himself.
Weinberg's Law
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
civilization.
Weinberg's Corollary
An expert is a person who avoids the small errors
while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
White's Chappaquidick Theorem
The sooner and in more detail you announce bad news, the better.
White's Observations of Committee Operation
1) People very rarely think in groups;
they talk together, they exchange information, they adjudicate,
they make compromises.
But they do not think; they do not create.
2) A really new idea affronts current agreement.
White's Statement
Don't lose heart..
Owen's Comment on White's Statement
..they might want to cut it out..
Byrd's Addition to Owen's Comment on White's Statement
..and they want to avoid a lengthy search.
Wiker's Law
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Wolf's Law(An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World)
It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law),
but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you
think if they are not to go wrong.
Worker's Dilemma Law(or Management's Put-Down Law)
1) No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
2) What you don't do is always more important than what
you do do.
Wynne's Law
Negative slack tends to increase.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them
is to use a larger can. (Old worms never die, they just worm their
way into larger cans).
Zymurgy's Law on the Availability of Volunteer Labor
People are always available for work in the past tense.
Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws
When it rains, it pours.
The Night Before Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the shed,
All creatures were stirring, even Old Ed.
The Bodies were hung from the rafters above,
While Eddie was searching for another new love.
He went to Wautoma for a Plainfield deal,
Looking for love and also a meal.
When what to his hungry eyes should appear,
But old Mary Hogan in her new red brassiere.
Her eyes how the twinkled, ever so gay
And her dimples, oh how merry were they.
Her cheeks were like roses when kissed by the sun,
And she let out a scream at the sight of Ed's gun.
Old Ed pulled the trigger and Mary fell dead,
He took his old axe and cut off her head.
He then took his hacksaw and cut her in two,
One-half for hamburger, the other for stew.
And laying a hand aside of her heel,
Up to the rafters went his next meal.
He sprang to his truck to the graveyard he flew,
The hours were short and much work he must do.
He looked for the grave where the fattest one laid,
and started in digging with shovel and spade.
He shoveled, and shoveled and shoveled some more,
'Till finally he reached the old coffin door.
He took out his crowbar and pryed open the box,
He was not only clever, but sly as a fox.
As he picked up the body and cut off her head,
He could tell by the smell that the old girl was dead.
He filled in the grave by the moonlight above,
And once more Old Ed had found a new love.
He let out a yell as he drove out of sight,
If I don't get caught, I'll be back tomorrow night.
T H E N I G H T B E F O R E C H R I S T M A S
---------------------------------------------------
Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house
Were empties and butts left around by some louse.
And the best quart I hid by the chimney with care,
Had been swiped by some bum who'd found it there.
My guests had long since been poured in their beds
To wake in the morning with God - awful heads.
My wife too was cold with her chin in her lap
And me - I was dying for one more nightcap.
When out from the lawn there came such a smell
I sprang to my feet to see what the hell-
Away to the window I tore like a flash
Fell over the table - broke a chair with a crash.
The moon on the breast of the new fallen snow
Made me think of the coal bill and all that I owe.
And what to my wondering eyes should show up-
But eight bloated reindeer - hitched to a beer truck.
With a little old driver who looked like a hick
I saw it was Santa - as tight as a tick.
Like General Grants Tanks - those reindeer they came
And he hiccoughed and belched as he called them by name.
On Schenley - On Seagram, we ain't got all night
You too Haig and Haig - and you Black and White.
Scram up on the roof get the hell off this wall,
Get going you dummies - we've got a long haul.
So up the roof went reindeer and truck
But a tree branch hit Santa before he could duck
And then, in a twinkling I heard from above
A hell of a noise that was no cooing dove.
And I pulled in my head and cocked a sharp ear
Down the chimney he came right smack on his rear.
He was dressed in furs - with no cuffs on his pants
And the way the guy squirmed - I guess he had ants.
His droll little mouth made him look a bit wacky
And the beard on his chin was stained with tobaccy.
He had pints and quarts in the sack on his back
And a breath that would blow a train off the track.
He was chubby and plump and he tried to stand right
But he didn't fool me - he was high as a kite.
He spoke not a word but went straight to his work
And missed half the stocking -- the plastered old jerk!
Then putting five fingers to the end of his nose--
He gave me the bird - and up the chimney he rose.
He sprang for his truck at so fast a pace
He fell over his feet and slid on his face.
But I heard him burp back as he passed out of sight --
Merry Christmas you rum-dumms -- Now really get tight!
A Final Visit From Saint Nicholas
'Twas the night before Christmas and one thing was clear--
that old Yuletide spirit no longer was here
inflation was rising; the crime rate was tripling;
the fuel bills were up, and our mortgage was crippling;
I opened a beer as I watched TV,
where Donny sang "O Holy Night" to Marie;
the kids were in bed, getting sleep like they should;
or else they were stoned, which was almost as good.
While Ma with her ball-point was making a fuss
'bout folks we'd send cards to who'd sent none to us;
"those ingrates," she thundered, and pounded her fist;
"Next year you can bet they'll be crossed off our list!"
When out in the yard came a deafening blare;
'twas our burgler alarm, and I hollered, "Who's there?"
I turned on the searchlight, which lit up the night,
and, armed with my handgun, beheld a strange sight.
Some red-suited clown with a white beard immense
was caught in our eight foot electrified fence;
he called out, "I'm Santa! I bring you no malice!"
Said I, "if you're Santa, I'm Telly Savalas!"
But, lo, as his pressence grew clear to me,
I saw in the glare that it just might be he!
I called off our doberman clawing his sleigh
and, frisking him twice, said, "I think he's ok."
I led him inside where he slumped in a chair,
and he poured out the following tale of dispair;
"On Christmas eves past I was jolly and chuckling,
but now 'neath the pressures, I fear I am buckling."
"You'll note I've arrived with no reindeer this year,
and without them, my sleigh is much harder to steer;
although I would like to continue to use them,
the wildlife officials believe I abuse them."
"To add to my problem, Ralph Nader dropped by
and told me my sleigh was unsafe in the sky;
I now must wear seatbelts, despite my objections,
and bring in the sleigh twice a year for inspections."
"Last April my workers came forth with demands,
and I soon had a general strike on my hands;
I couldn't afford to pay unionized elves,
so the missus and I did the work ourselves."
"And then, later on, came additional trouble--
an avalanche left my fine workshop in rubble;
my Allstate insurance was worthless, because
they had shrewdly slipped in a 'no avalanche' clause."
"And after that came an I.R.S audit;
the government claimed I was out to defraud it;
they finally nailed me for 65 grand,
which I paid through the sale of my house and my land."
"And yet I persist, though it gives me a scare
flying blind through the blanket of smog in the air;
not to mention the hunters who fill me with dread,
taking shots at my sleigh as I pass overhead."
"My torn-up red suit, and these bruises and swellings,
I got fighting muggers in multiple dwellings.
And if you should ask why I'm glowing tonight,
it's from flying too close to a nuclear site."
He rose from his chair and he heaved a great sigh,
and I couldn't help notice a tear in his eye;
"I've tried," he declared, "to reverse each defeat,
but I fear that today I've become obsolete."
He slumped out the door and returned to his sleigh,
and these last words he spoke as he went on his way;
"no longer can I do the job that's required;
if anyone asks, just say, 'Santa's retired!'".
---------------------------------------------------------
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my computer gave to me:
Twelve blown-out circuits,
Eleven damaged diskettes,
Ten disk-drive lockouts,
Nine burnt-out fuses,
Eight worthless printouts,
Seven system resets,
Six I/O spasms,
Five blank cassettes,
Four garbled SAVEs,
Three loose plugs,
Two keyboard bounces,
And a glitch on the video screen.
--
Confucius Say:
Better to close mouth and appear stupid than to
open mouth and remove all doubt.
A FAULT RECOGNIZED IS HALF CORRECTED
A DIAMOND IS JUST A LUMP OF COAL THAT MADE GOOD UNDER PRESSURE
Anybody can be born right-handed. Only the best of us overcome it.
Since the left half of the brain controls the right half of the body,
only us lefties are in our right minds.
A FATHER IS A BANKER PROVIDED BY NATURE.
A FRIEND IN NEED IS A PEST INDEED.
A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET.
A PESSIMIST COMPLAINS ABOUT THE NOISE WHEN OPPORTUNITY KNOCKS.
A BIRD IN HAND IS BETTER THEN ONE OVERHEAD.
A SECOND CLASS EFFORT IS A FIRST CLASS MISTAKE.
A HANGOVER IS THE WRATH OF GRAPES.
A SMALL GOOD DEED IS BETTER THEN THE GRANDEST INTENTION.
A GREAT IDEA NEEDS LANDING GEAR, NOT JUST WINGS.
A CAREER IS A JOB THAT TAKES ABOUT 20 MORE HOURS A WEEK.
A SMILE IS A CURVE THAT CAN SET A LOT OF THINGS STRAIGHT.
AFTER ALL IS SAID AND DONE, USUALLY MORE IS SAID THEN DONE.
AGE ISN'T IMPORTANT UNLESS YOU'RE A CHEESE.
AGE IS A HIGH PRICE TO PAY FOR MATURITY.
ALL THINGS EXCELLENT ARE AS DIFFICULT AS THEY ARE RARE.
ALL PEOPLE SMILE IN THE SAME LANGUAGE.
AN OPTIMIST LAUGHS TO FORGET..A PESSIMIST FORGETS TO LAUGH.
AN EXPERT HAS A GREAT REASON FOR GUESSING WRONG
AN AUTHORITY KNOWS LOTS OF THINGS YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT
ANYTHING THAT CAN GO WRONG WILL
ASTRONAUTS ARE OUT TO LAUNCH
ATHEIST...A MAN WITH NO INVISIBLE MEANS OF SUPPORT
AVOID CRITICISM - SAY, DO AND BE NOTHING
BABIES ARE GOD'S OPINION THAT THE WORLD SHOULD GO ON
BAD LUCK IS BEING RUN OVER BY THE WELCOME WAGON
BE ALERT, AMERICA NEEDS MORE LERTS
BEER BELLIES = GREAT WAIST
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL WOMAN - HERSELF
BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN - A SURPRISED MOTHER-IN-LAW
BEWARE OF DARK ROOMS ... THEY MIGHT BE THE MORGUE
BLAME ST. ANDREAS - IT'S HIS FAULT
BREEDING RABBITS IS A HARE RAISING EXPERIENCE
BUILD SOMETHING FOOLPROOF AND EVERY FOOL WILL USE IT
CAN YOU REMEMBER WHEN THE AIR WAS CLEAN AND SEX WAS DIRTY?
CAN'T UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF FEAR
CAREFUL PLANNING WILL NEVER REPLACE DUMB LUCK
CAREFUL!!...YOU MAY BE THE ONLY BIBLE SOME PEOPLE EVER READ
CARPENTERS ARE JUST PLANE FOLKS
CHICKEN - THE EGG'S WAY OF MAKING MORE EGGS
CLONES ARE PEOPLE TWO
CLUTTERED DESK = CLUTTERED MIND / EMPTY DESK = EMPTY ______?
COLE'S LAW - THINLY SLICED CABBAGE
COMMON SENSE IS INSTINCT, AND ENOUGH OF IT IS GENIUS
COMPASSION IS THE BASIS OF ALL MORALITY
CONFESSION IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL, BUT BAD FOR THE CAREER
COURAGE IS FEAR THAT SAID ITS PRAYERS
CULTIVATE HAPPINESS AND IT BECOMES A HABIT
CUTTING REMARKS DON'T CUT ANY ICE
DANGEROUS EXERCISE - JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS
DIETS ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO ARE THICK AND TIRED OF IT
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOUSE AND A HOME - A FAMILY
DIPLOMACY - THE ART OF LETTING SOMEONE HAVE YOUR WAY
DIPLOMACY IS THE ART OF GIVING OTHERS YOUR WAY
DO UNTO OTHERS AS THOUGH YOU WERE THE OTHER
DO IT TODAY, TOMORROW IT WILL BE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH OR ILLEGAL
DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY UNDO YOU
DO YOUR KNEES BUCKLE, BUT NOT YOUR BELT?
DO YOU ALWAYS HIT THE NAIL RIGHT ON THE THUMB?
DOES YOUR BACK GO OUT MORE THAN YOU DO?
DOING NOTHING MAKES YOU TIRED 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T TAKE A BREAK
DON'T GET DISCOURAGED...NO ONE IS PERFICKT
DON'T BE MAD ABOUT GROWING OLD, SOME AREN'T THAT LUCKY
DON'T WASTE THE WHOLE DAY, LAUGH AT LEAST ONCE
DON'T JUDGE A BOOK BY ITS MOVIE
DON'T LET SCHOOL INTERFERE WITH YOUR EDUCATION
DRILLING FOR OIL IS BORING
DRIVE CAREFULLY, DEATH IS SO PERMANENT
EARLY TO BED - MAKES YOU HEALTHY, WEALTHY AND BORING
EAT YOGURT AND GET CULTURE
EVER JUST SEEM TO NOT BE ABLE TO GET AROUND TO PROCRASTINATING?
EVER THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT THORN BUSHES HAVE ROSES?
EVER WISH YOU HAD A COPY OF TOMORROW'S NEWSPAPER?
EVER STOP TO THINK AND THEN FORGET TO START AGAIN?
EVERY MAN HAS A SCHEME THAT ABSOLUTELY WON'T WORK
EVERY MINUTE YOU ARE ANGRY WASTES 60 HAPPY SECONDS
EVERY TIME I LOSE WEIGHT, IT FINDS ME AGAIN
EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO MY OPINION
EVERYTHING GOES ON SALE ... RIGHT AFTER YOU BUY IT
EVERYTHING GOING GOOD? YOU MUST HAVE OVERLOOKED SOMETHING
EVERYTHING HURTS .. AND WHAT DOESN'T DON'T WORK
EVERYTHING COMING YOUR WAY? YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE!
EXPERIENCE SHOULD BE A GUIDE POST, BUT NOT A HITCHING POST
EXPERT - KNOWS TOMORROW WHY TODAY'S PREDICTION FAILED
EXPERT- An X is an unknown, a spurt is a drip under pressure, so an expert is some unknown drip under
pressure.
EXPERT - ANYONE FROM OUT OF TOWN
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DRN!
FACT - RED LIGHTS ALWAYS LAST LONGER THEN GREEN ONES
FAILURE IS NEVER FATAL AND SUCCESS IS NEVER FINAL
FARMERS ARE JUST PLAIN FOLKS
FEEL GOOD? DON'T WORRY, YOU'LL GET OVER IT
FELLOW WITH CLOSED MIND OFTEN HAS OPEN MOUTH
FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES BUT NEVER FORGET THEIR NAMES
FREEDOM IS DOING WHAT YOU LIKE, HAPPINESS LIKING WHAT YOU DO
FRICTION IS A DRAG
FRIENDS COME AND GO, BUT ENEMIES ACCUMULATE
FRIENDS ARE PEOPLE YOU CAN BE QUIET WITH
GET EVEN...WITH THE PEOPLE THAT HAVE HELPED YOU
GIVE A WOMAN AN INCH AND SHE'LL PARK A CAR IN IT
GOD GIVE US RELATIVES, BUT LET US CHOOSE OUR FRIENDS
GOOD HUMOR IS THE HEALTH OF THE SOUL, SADNESS THE POISON
GRASS IS NATURE'S WAY OF SAYING HIGH
GRAVITY BRINGS YOU DOWN
GREAT BEER BELLIES ARE MADE, NOT BORN
GREAT MINDS DISCUSS IDEAS; SMALL ONES, PEOPLE
HANDLE YOURSELF WITH YOUR HEAD, HANDLE OTHERS WITH YOUR HEART
HAPPINESS IS WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE
HAVE YOU TRIED ON YOUR SMILE TODAY?
HE WHO HESITATES IS LAST
HE WHO KNOWS ALL THE ANSWERS NEVER GETS ASKED THE QUESTIONS
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST IS PROBABLY YOUR BOSS
HE WHO TELLS YOU HOW GREAT HE IS USUALLY ISN'T
HE WHO LAUGHS LAST DIDN'T GET THE JOKE
HOME IS THE NICEST PLACE YOU WILL EVER GO
HOT DOGS ARE BEST WHEN SERVED WITH A BALLGAME
HOW CAN YOU AVOID HURTING SOMEONES FEELINGS WITHOUT BEING A LIAR?
HUMORISTS...THOSE WHO CAN TALK SENSIBLY ABOUT A CONTROVERSY
I WOULDN'T MIND BEING POOR IF I HAD LOTS OF MONEY
IDEALISM INCREASES IN PROPORTION TO THE DISTANCE FROM THE PROBLEM
IF RABBITS FEET ARE SO LUCKY, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE RABBIT?
IF YOU ITCH FOR IT, SCRATCH FOR IT
IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE NO FAULTS, THAT MAKES ONE
IF YOU WANT TO CHEER UP, CHEER UP SOMEONE
IF YOU LOVE LIFE, IT WILL LOVE YOU BACK
IF YOUR FEET SMELL AND YOUR NOSE RUNS, YOU WERE BUILT UPSIDE DOWN
IF AT FIRST YOU DON'T SUCCEED, YOU'LL GET LOTS OF ADVICE
IF YOU SEE AN ONION RING...ANSWER IT
IF YOU'VE GOT PART OF IT, FLAUNT THAT PART
IF NOBODY MEASURES UP, CHECK YOUR YARDSTICK
IF YOU AREN'T GOING ALL THE WAY, WHY GO AT ALL?
IF IT IS TO BE, IT IS UP TO ME
IN CASE OF FIRE....YELL "FIRE"
INTERCHANGEABLE PARTS ... DON'T
IT IS BETTER TO BE WISE THEN TO BE SMART
IT ISN'T THE WHISTLE THAT MOVES THE TRAIN
IT'S HARD TO BE HUMBLE WHEN YOU ARE SO PERFECT
IT'S EASIER TO DO GOOD THEN BE GOOD
IT'S EASY TO SUGGEST THE SOLUTION WHEN YOU DON'T KNOW THE PROBLEM
IT'S HARD TO FLY WITH EAGLES WHEN YOU WORK WITH TURKEYS
IT'S SWEET TO BE REMEMBERED, BUT CHEAPER TO BE FORGOTTEN
ITS HARD TO BE GRACEFUL GETTING OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE
JEALOUSY...ALL THE FUN YOU THINK THEY HAVE
JUDGE PEOPLE BY WHAT THEY ARE, NOT WHERE THEY ARE
KEEP YOUR WORDS SOFT AND SWEET, IN CASE YOU HAVE TO EAT THEM
KINDNESS IS LIKE A BOOMERANG - IT ALWAYS COMES BACK
KNOWLEDGE IS KNOWING THAT YOU DON'T KNOW
LAETRILE IS THE PITS
LAUGHTER LUBE'S LIFES ENGINE
LAUGHTER...THE NO SIDE EFFECT TRANQUILIZER
LAWYERS WORK IN THEIR BRIEFS
LEAKPROOF SEALS ... DO
LIFE IS A HORSE, EITHER YOU RIDE IT OR IT RIDES YOU
LIFE AND LIBERTY ARE SAFE ONLY WHEN CONGRESS IS IN RECESS
LIFE IS ONLY UNDERSTOOD BACKWARD, BUT MUST BE LIVED FORWARD
LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL? LOOK OUT FOR THAT TRAIN
LOAFER - SOMEONE TRYING TO MAKE TWO WEEKENDS MEET
LOAN SOMEONE A SYMPATHETIC EAR
LOSE WEIGHT - EAT STUFF YOU HATE
LOSE WEIGHT - PUT A SCALE IN FRONT OF THE 'FRIG
MAD AT YOUR NEIGHBOR? BUY HIS KID A DRUM!
MAKE THE MOST OF THE BEST AND THE LEAST OF THE WORST
MAKE A LIVING, BUT MAKE ROOM FOR LIFE
MEN HAVE MANY FAULTS, WOMEN ONLY TWO, ALL THEY SAY & ALL THEY DO
MINDS ARE LIKE PARACHUTES..THEY ONLY WORK WHEN THEY'RE OPEN
MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL WEALTH
MONEY IS LIKE A PROMISE, EASIER MADE THEN KEPT
MONEY IS THE ROOT OF ALL EVIL, BUT MAN NEEDS ROOTS
MOST PEOPLE RAISE THEIR VOICE RATHER THEN REINFORCING THEIR POINT
MUSICIANS ARE JUST PLAYIN' FOLKS
NEVER PUT OFF TO TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN AVOID ALTOGETHER
NEVER HIT A MAN WITH GLASSES...USE YOUR FIST
NEVER PLAY LEAPFROG WITH A UNICORN
NEVER LIE UNLESS YOU HAVE AN AWFULLY GOOD MEMORY
NEVER SLAP A CHILD IN THE FACE - THERE ARE PLENTY OF PLACES
NO ONE CAN GET AHEAD OF YOU WHEN THEY'RE KICKING YOU IN THE REAR
NO GOOD DEED GOES UNPUNISHED
NOTHING IS SOMETIMES THE BEST THING TO SAY
NOTHING INCREASES YOUR GOLF SCORE LIKE WITNESSES
NOTHING MAKES A VACATION SEEM BETTER THEN HINDSIGHT
OLD FROGS NEVER DIE...BUT THEY DO CROAK
OLD IS NEEDING A FIRE PERMIT FOR YOUR BIRTHDAY CAKE
OLD AGE NEEDS SO LITTLE, BUT IT NEEDS THAT LITTLE SO MUCH
OLD AGE = YOU + 20 YEARS
ONE LIE OR ONE PEANUT...ONE LEADS TO ANOTHER
ONLY A BALLPLAYER'S ERRORS ARE PUBLISHED EVERY DAY
ONLY ADULTS HAVE TROUBLE WITH CHILD-PROOF BOTTLES
ONLY FOOLS SAY IT CAN'T BE DONE
PART-TIME MUSICIANS ARE SEMICONDUCTORS
PEOPLE WITH NARROW MINDS USUALLY HAVE BROAD TONGUES
PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN STONE HOUSES SHOULDN'T THROW GLASSES
PEOPLE SHOULD BE MEASURED IN FEATS, NOT FEET
PILOTS ARE JUST PLANE FOLKS
PLASTIC PACKAGED FOODS ARE VERY UNCANNY
PLOW A STRAIGHT FURROW AND YOU'RE IN A RUT
POSTMEN NEVER DIE, THEY JUST LOSE THEIR ZIP
POWER DOES NOT CORRUPT FOOLS, BUT FOOLS CORRUPT POWER
PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT, BUT NO ONE'S PERFECT, SO WHY PRACTICE?
PRACTISS MAKES PERFICT
PRAY FOR WHAT YOU WANT BUT WORK FOR WHAT YOU NEED
PRIDE IS WHAT WE HAVE...VANITY IS WHAT OTHERS HAVE
PROCRASTINATION - THE ART OF KEEPING UP WITH YESTERDAY
PRUNES GIVE YOU A RUN FOR YOUR MONEY
PUT YOUR NOSE TO THE GRINDSTONE AND YOU'RE A BLOODY FOOL
RAISE DUCKS FOR A QUACK PROFIT
REAL JOY COMES FROM DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE
REDUCE YOUR I.O.U. TO I.R.S WITH AN I.R.A.
RESPECT MUST BE EARNED, NOT COMMANDED
ROLL UP YOUR SLEEVES...AND YOU WON'T LOSE YOUR SHIRT
RUBBER BANDS HAVE SNAPPY ENDINGS
SAY NOTHING & THEY THINK YOUR STUPID..TALK & THEY KNOW FOR SURE
SECOND CHANCES AREN'T USUALLY ASSOCIATED WITH FIRST IMPRESSIONS
SHORT CUT ... THE LONGEST DISTANCE BETWEEN TWO POINTS
SILENCE CANNOT BE MISQUOTED
SMILE .. THINGS CAN ALWAYS GET WORSE
SMILE..PEOPLE WILL WONDER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TO
SOLITUDE..A GREAT PLACE TO VISIT, BUT A BAD PLACE TO STAY
SOME OF US QUIT LOOKING FOR WORK WHEN WE FIND A JOB
SOME PEOPLE ARE EDUCATED BEYOND THEIR INTELLIGENCE
SOME PEOPLE BELIEVE ANYTHING IF YOU WHISPER IT
SOME PEOPLE AREN'T HARD OF HEARING, BUT HARD OF LISTENING
SOMETIMES LET THINGS HAPPEN BUT SOMETIMES MAKE THINGS HAPPEN
STALIN'S GRAVE WAS A COMMUNIST PLOT
STEPPING ON PEOPLE'S TOES MESSES UP THEIR SHINE
SUCCESS HAS A THOUSAND FATHERS, BUT FAILURE IS AN ORPHAN
SUCCESS IS NOT PERMANENT, NEITHER IS FAILURE
SURE FIRE DIET, SWALLOWING PRIDE
SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE, IT IS NON-FATTENING
TACT - CHANGING THE SUBJECT WITHOUT CHANGING THE MIND
TAILGATER - ONE WHO MAKES ENDS MEET
TAKE AN ASTRONAUT TO LAUNCH
TALK IS CHEAP UNLESS YOU HIRE A LAWYER
TAX FORMS SHOULD READ "INCOME OWED US" AND "IN COMMODE YOU"
TEACHERS HAVE CLASS
TEAMWORK IS VITAL..IT GIVES YOU SOMEONE TO BLAME
TELL A CHILD HE GOT 1 RIGHT, NOT 99 WRONG
THE LESS YOU HAVE TO DO, THE LESS TIME YOU FIND TO DO IT IN
THE LONGER YOU KEEP YOUR TEMPER THE BETTER IT WILL GET
THE MOST SOLID STONE IS THE LOWEST ONE IN THE FOUNDATION
THE ROOSTER MAY CROW, BUT THE HEN DELIVERS
THE GREATEST ABILITY IS DEPENDABILITY
THE HARDER YOU WORK THE LUCKIER YOU GET
THE WORLD'S FULL OF CACTUS, BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO SIT ON IT
THE GREATEST MAN IN HISTORY WAS THE POOREST
THE GREATEST PLEASURE - DOING WHAT THEY SAID COULDN'T BE DONE
THE LEAST EXPERIENCED FISHERMAN ALWAYS CATCHES THE BIGGEST FISH
THE BEST VACATIONS ARE SPENT NEAR THE BUDGET
THE MORE YOU SAY, THE LESS PEOPLE REMEMBER
THE ONLY SHORT MEETINGS ARE WHEN NO ONE SHOWS UP
THE BEST TIME TO BUY ANYTHING IS LAST YEAR
THE COST OF FEATHERS IS HIGHER, THAT MAKES DOWN UP
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IDEAS AND RESULTS IS A GOOD MANAGER
THERE'S NO FOOL LIKE AN OLD FOOL, 'CAUSE HE'S EXPERIENCED
THERES NEVER TIME TO DO IT RIGHT, ONLY TIME TO DO IT OVER
THINGS WORK BETTER IF YOU PLUG THEM IN
THINKING IS WISE, PLANNING IS BETTER, DOING IS BEST
THOSE WHO DO THE MOST USUALLY DEMAND THE LEAST
THREE CAN KEEP A SECRET, IF TWO OF THEM ARE DEAD
TO GET A LOAN YOU MUST PROVE YOU DON'T NEED IT
TO ERROR IS HUMAN, TO BLAME IT ON SOMEONE ELSE IS MORE HUMAN
TO REGRET NOTHING IS THE BEGINNING OF WISDOM
TO EVERY EXCEPTION THERE IS A RULE
TO ERR IS HUMAN, TO FORGIVE IS UNUSUAL
TO DO NOTHING IS IN EVERY MAN'S POWER
TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST OF YOUR LIFE
TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING CAN BE WONDERFUL
TOO BUZY TO LAUGH? THEN YOU ARE TOO BUZY
UNWRITTEN LAWS CAN NOT BE ERASED
WANNA DO SOMETHING BIG? PICK UP A BOULDER
WANT TO FORGET ALL YOUR TROUBLES? WEAR TIGHT SHOES
WE LEARN FROM HISTORY THAT WE DON'T LEARN FROM HISTORY
WELL DONE IS BETTER THEN WELL SAID
WHAT YOU SEE CAN DEPEND ON WHAT YOU LOOK FOR
WHAT YOU ENJOY IS MUCH MORE IMPORTANT THEN WHAT YOU HAVE
WHAT I OUGHT TO DO, I CAN; IF I CAN, WHY DON'T I?
WHAT YOU ARE, NOT WHAT YOU HAVE, IS WHAT MAKES YOU RICH
WHEN PEOPLE SHARE THEIR FEARS WITH YOU, SHARE YOUR COURAGE BACK
WHEN PEOPLE SHARE THEIR FEARS WITH YOU, SHARE SOME COURAGE
WHEN IN DOUBT, MUMBLE
WHEN YOU KILL TIME YOU MURDER SUCCESS
WHEN ALL IS SAID AND DONE MORE WILL BE SAID THEN DONE
WHEN MONEY TALKS THERE ARE FEW INTERRUPTIONS
WHEN IT COMES TO GIVING, SOME PEOPLE STOP AT NOTHING
WHEN FAITH & HOPE FAIL TRY CHARITY - IT'S LOVE IN ACTION
WHEN TALKING NONSENSE TRY NOT TO BE SERIOUS
WHEN YOU GET WHAT YOU WANT YOU DON'T WANT IT AS MUCH
WHERE THERE'S A WILL, THERE'S INHERITANCE TAX
WHERE IN THE WORLD DOES THE GUY WHO HAS EVERYTHING PUT IT?
WHOEVER ROWS THE BOAT DOESN'T HAVE TIME TO ROCK IT
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS FIND SOMETHING IN THE LAST PLACE YOU LOOK?
WHY DOES BREAD ALWAYS FALL BUTTER SIDE DOWN?
WHY DOES THE OTHER LANE ALWAYS MOVE FASTER?
WHY ARE TODAY'S ROUGH TIMES ALWAYS TOMORROW'S GOOD OLD DAYS?
WHY DOES THE OTHER LINE ALWAYS MOVE FASTER?
WHY ARE CREDITOR'S MEMORIES BETTER THEN DEBTORS?
WHY DO EXPENSES ALWAYS RISE TO MEET INCOME?
WIN WITHOUT BOASTING AND LOSE WITHOUT EXCUSE
WINNERS NEVER QUIT AND QUITTERS NEVER WIN
WISDOM..KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH WHAT YOU KNOW
WISE MEN CHANGE THEIR MINDS, FOOLS NEVER
WRINKLES ARE SURE SIGNS OF WHERE SMILES HAVE BEEN
XEROX...ALL THEY EVER DO IS COPY
YOU WILL NEVER BE YOUNGER THEN YOU ARE TODAY...& VISE VERSA
YOU NEVER "FIND" TIME, BUT YOU CAN ALWAYS "MAKE" IT
YOU CAN ALWAYS FIND WHAT YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR
YOU CAN LEAD A HORSE TO WATER, AND IF HE WALKS ON IT PATENT HIM
YOU ARE WHAT YOU EAT, SO EUELLE GIBBONS WAS A NUT
YOU'LL NEVER GET DIZZY DOING A GOOD TURN
YOU'RE OLD WHEN YOU FORGET HOW TO START YOUR ROCKING CHAIR
YOUTH ISN'T A TIME OF LIFE BUT A STATE OF MIND
Neutrinos are into physicists.
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise: Where no man has gone before
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
This cookie will soon appear as a Bantam paperback.
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
Grass is nature's way of saying High!
Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
Money is the root of all wealth.
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
Happiness is a hard disk.
Teamwork is vital! (It gives you someone to blame.)
Keep America Beautiful.... emigrate.
Please disregard the previous fortune cookie.
If God had been in favor of homosexuality, He never would have created Anita Bryant!
If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister?
I'm all for computer dating, But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its capacity - the rest is overhead for the
operating system.
The bearing of a child takes nine months, no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance.
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.
Eschew Obfuscation!
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
Do it today, Tomorrow it will be illegal.
In case of fire, yell FIRE!
Postmen never die, they just lose their zip.
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
Old frogs never die, But they do croak!
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
Every time I lose weight, It finds me again!
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane.
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Clones are people two.
Microwaves frizz your heir.
Laetrile is the pits.
Got Mole problem? Call Avogadro at 6.02 X 10^23
Neil Armstrong tripped.
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
Heard on Noahs' ark: Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? It's quite uncanny.
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
Polymer physicists are into chains.
On all lasergrams: Don't forget the Zap code.
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
There's no future in time travel.
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
Take an astronaut to launch.
Confucious say too damn much!
Reality does not exist - yet.
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
Small programs are for small minds.
All programmers want arrays!
Satyrs have more faun.
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
Fauns are never Satyr-sfied!
Astronauts get missile-toe.
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
If it works, Don't fix it.
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
To iterate is human; to recurse, divine.
The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go to erase it.
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal, if you don't use your thumbs.
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal, if you are all thumbs.
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros.
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
The devil finds work for idle glands.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
Topologists are just plane folks, Pilots are just plane folks, Carpenters are just plane folks, Midwest
farmers are just plain folks, Musicians are just playin' folks, Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks,
Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can make
a fool of yourself anytime.
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut?
Be alert, America needs more lerts.
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness.
Poverty is the root of all evil.
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
Smile! Things can only get worse.
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
The answer is 42.
RELAX! It's only ONES and ZEROS!
Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write it should be hard to understand.
DISK FULL?
Dave, I have a projected failure on the alpha-echo three five unit within 72 hours...
THE DOCTOR IS ON...
I WANT IT FREE AND I WANT IT YESTERDAY.
Anyone care for a jellybaby?
Travel by TARDIS: It's not necessarily faster, but it is definitely more interesting!
COBOL- Confused Oriental Bean-cOunting Language.
FORTRAN- Formless Translations.
BASIC- Beginner's All-purpose Sloppy Instruction Code.
Bit - The increment by which programmers slowly go mad.
Chaining - A method of attaching programmers to desks to speed up output.
Core Storage - A receptacle for the center section of apples.
Disassembler - An unattended five year old child.
External Storage - A wastebasket.
Fixed Word Length - Four-letter words used by programmers in a state of confusion.
Floating Control - A characteristic exhibited when you have to go to the restroom but cannot leave the
computer.
Flow Chart - A graphic representation of the fastest route to the restroom.
Input - Food, whiskey, beer, aspirin, etc.
Macro - The last half of an expression of surprise: Holy Macro.
Address - Type of attire worn by some female programmers.
Algol - The husband of Polygol, their missing daughter is Polygon.
Altair - A place where computers are sacrificed.
Array - A blast from a CRT.
Backup - Opposite of forward.
Branch - A stick used for beating.
Buffer - A programmer who works in the nude.
Coding - An addictive drug.
Computer- A device designed to speed and automate errors.
Cp/m - Program listing for 'Look in the evening section'.
Cpu - C3po's mother.
Dip - Inventor of a famous switch.
Disk Drive - A motor for a frisbee.
Duplex - Having two apartments.
Forth - One of the top five computer languages.
GiGo - Garbage in garbage out.
Ibm - Computer company: Itty-Bitty Machines Corporation.
IBM - Corporate motto: I've been moved.
IC - Understanding as in 'Oh, IC'.
Initialize - Carving your initials on a floppy disk.
Iterate- A healthy illiterate.
Joystick- A peripheral intended for use only by consenting adults.
Keyboard- Resembling a typewriter, a keyboard is used for entering errors into the computer.
Kilo - What you could have spent your money on if you hadn't bought the computer.
Language- A system of organizing and defining syntax errors.
Math Chip- A piece of a broken abacus.
Megabyte- A nine course dinner.
Memory Map - A sheet of paper showing location of computer store.
Mhz- Acronym for 'Megahurtz', meaning 'a million pains'.
Microfiche - Sardines.
Nanosecond - Mork's stunt man.
Newdos - Acronym for 'Not Exactly What The Dealer Offers To sell you.
Password- The nonsense word taped to the CRT.
That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...
Do you want to see something swell?
Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
Drop 'em.
What do you like for breakfast?
Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me?
Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you
or nudge you?
Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?
Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you?
She: Uh...no....
Irish: Well, do you want some?
Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate
and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
Wanna fuck like bunnies?
Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
the first thing that pops up?
I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
Smile if you want to sleep with me
then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?
Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
---------
I had a friend give a card that on the front:
1 2 3 4
Pick a number
and then on the back of the card it read:
Sex maniacs always pick 3
you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card.
---------
You smell wet. Let's Party.
Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again?
Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
At the office copy machine:
Reproducing eh? Can I help?
Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
-----------
>From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops
Spring 1986.
9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:
---------------------------------
1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
2. "Is that a false nose?"
3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
4. "I'm drunk."
5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
7. "I just threw up."
8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed
like that."
------------
Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel
Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say:
Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
I require a tissue sample. May i sever a little-used portion of your body?
(brandish forceps)
Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation?
(Think about it...)
Hey baby...infect me!
Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?
Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?
Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?
Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.
When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough
you would c*m."
Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k?
What's the matter, don't like pizza?
I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
Let's meet sometime...
I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
---------
The front reads:
+------------------------------------+
|No Phone No Business|
| |
| |
| |
| |
| |
| No Name |
| |
| |
| |
| |
|No Address No Money|
+------------------------------------+
And the back reads:
+------------------------------------+
| I'M A SILENT SEDUCER |
| |
|Any chance to crawl in the sack with|
|you tonight? |
|If so, just keep the card: If not, |
|kindly return it because they are |
|expensive. |
| |
|I'm not as good as I once was. |
|But I'm good once as I ever was! |
| |
|P.S. You don't have to say yes |
| Just Smile!|
+------------------------------------+
-------------
She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
He: Do you have the energy?
What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?
Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!!
"Say mother! Want another?" (if she has children)
Suck my dick or I'll blow your fucking head off. [requires a gun]
No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!]
If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone?
I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing
in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub.
Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.
Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
Bond. James Bond.
Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away.
Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest
assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible
to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time.
Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me
to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone
beat me to it.
Excuse me, do you live around here often?
Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab
home together?
Would you like to see a baby picture of me?
(Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)
Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow?
You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book...
So what's one more??
Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List?
Your place, or mine?
What's your sign?
Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck?
Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize?
You have the ass of a great artist.
FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS:
1: MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO YOU'RE TRYING
TO ATTRACT.
2: PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR HANDS TO THE PROPER
DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS
3: LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT EATING-EAR TO
EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT YOU'RE THIS
BIG!
There's the old classic from the movie Fletch:
(to girl in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just
hit a water buffalo.
Your face or Mine??
Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
Him: I like nothing better.
The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to
a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?". They left
together.
Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?
If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?
When asked for a match:
How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt.
Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out.
Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
Let's take a shower together --you smell.
I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot.
I've got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out.
If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch!
Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess
your weight.
If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
Want to see my stamp collection?
Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't
floppy.
I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
I'd look good on you.
Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you
knew...
At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say,
"Wanna roll?"
Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet?
I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.
Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?" (sure to get responses)
Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
Ya' know, that outfit would look great on my bedroom floor.....
"Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm
sittin' on mah wallet."
Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
I would kill or die to make love to you.
I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your
measurements?
I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.
Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
10. "I'm down here"
9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
at Keebler"
3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
-- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim
Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. eg. after
"accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say
"If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened"
Sex is a killer ... so die happy!
I love every bone in your body - especially mine
"Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here."
"Say, Didn't we go to different high schools at the same time?"
The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar:
"May I push in your stool?"
I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ...
of course, this was all before AIDS)
Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.
Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
I'm a copilot for American Airlines.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill?
Hi! Can I buy you a Car?
NOW, B*TCH!
Fancy a fuck?
My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.
--------------
Lines by women:
-- Please may I rest my head on your shooulder?
-- Do you know how to use this? [a vibraator]
-- How about a night of passion in Doncaaster?
-----------
He: "What was that?"
She: "What was what?"
He: "That sound."
She: "I didn't hear anything."
He: "It was the sound of my heart breaking."
---------
There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure:
Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck?
A: Go away, little fuck.
-----------
How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?
Man: So what do you do for a living?
Woman: Female impersonator.
----------
You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.....
-----------end of list-------------
Female to guy:
Hi, you look like a real wanker.
(pause for effect)
Want a break tonight?
The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a
"wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end they are trying to pick *you* up!!!!
The 9 Types of Boyfriends
Joe Sensitive - "After I wash the dishes, let's cuddle, OK?"
Also known as: Mr. Nice Guy, Family man, Honey, Darling, Soft-boiled Egg,
Snugglepup
Advantages: Well-behaved; irons own shirts
Disadvantages: Irritatingly compassionate, wimpy
Old Man Grumpus - "People are stupid. The world can go to hell. Let's stay
home and watch TV."
Also known as: Grumbles, Sour puss, Stick-in-the-mud, Old Fogey, Slow Mover,
Jerk
Advantages: Stays put; predictable
Disadvantages: Royal pain in the ass
Flinchy - "I--I'm sorry for whatever it was I did."
Also known as: Trembly, Creampuff, Hey you
Advantages: Jumps entertainingly when startled
Disadvantages: Easily spooked; surrenders without a struggle
Bigfoot - "Shut yer trap, I'm thinkin'."
Also known as: Chunk-style, Lummox, Ignoramus, Galoot, the Hulk, Big 'n' Dumb
Advantages: Can tote bales; is easily fooled
Disadvantages: Can break you in half, sweats like a pig
Lazybones - "Zzzzzz"
Also known as: Lucky Dog, Parasite, Bum, Sponge, Snoozebucket, Drug Addict
Advantages: Well rested; easy target
Disadvantages: Unlikely to fulfull your dreams
The Sneak - "Who, me?"
Also known as: Love Pirate, Snake, Rat, Slime, G-D Son of a Bitch
Advantages: May feel pangs of guilt
Disadvantages: May be having time of his life
Ace of Hearts - "After I wash the dishes let's make love like crazed weasels,
OK?"
Also known as: The Sizzler, Handyman, Dreamboat, Casanova, Monster
Advantages: Perpetually aroused
Disadvantages: Perpetually aroused
The Dreamer - "Someday I'm going to be rich and famous. I don't know how,
but--"
Also known as: Struggling artist, Philosopher, Buffoon, Bag of Wind, Fool
Advantages: Tells good stories
Disadvantages: Will turn into "Old Man Grumpus"
Mr. Right - "While the servants wash the dishes, let's make love like crazed
weasels in my new yacht, ok?"
Also known as: Mr. Perfect, Jim Dandy
Advantages: Answer to a woman's prayer
Disadvantages: Hunted to extinction
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy - "Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn't have"
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller - "You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can't you see you're making me miserable??"
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly - "Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite"
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser - "Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don't give me that look."
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball & Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - "I just can't decide. Should I switch my career,
goals, home, and hair color?"
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c'mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control - "I've got an idea. Lez get drunk an' make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S'fun."
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy - "I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at"
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg,
Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars - "I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
about our relationship"
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl - "I am utterly content w/ you just the way you are, my handsome
genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now"
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
Anthropologists do it with culture.
Archeologists do it with mummies.
Archers make better lovers cause they have longer shafts.
Architects do it late.
Astronomers do it all night.
Astronomers do it with even longer tubes.
Bankers do it with interest, but pay for early withdrawl.
Bookworms only read about it.
Boy Scouts do it in the woods.
C++ programmers do it with class.
C++ programmers do it with private members and public objects.
Carpenters do it tongue in groove.
Chemists do it in test tubes.
Chemists do it in the fume hood.
Chess players mate better.
City Planners do it with their eyes shut.
Computer Operators do it upon mounted requests.
Computer Scientists do it on command.
Computer nerds just simulate it.
Computer programmers do it interactively.
Cops do it with cuffs.
Deprogrammers do it with sects.
Divers do it deeper.
Dyslexic Particle Physicists do it with hadrons.
Electricians do it until it Hertz.
Engineers do it with precision. (i.e. the hubble telescope)
Entomologists do it with insects.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Fed-Ex agents will absolutely, positively do it overnight.
Firemen do it wearing rubber.
Firemen do it with a big hose.
Firemen find `em hot, and leave `em wet.
Gyneacologists mostly sniff, watch and finger.
Hypertrichologists do it with intensity.
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
Lawyers do it with extensions in their briefs.
Let a gardener trim your bush today.
Lisp programmers have to stop and collect garbage.
MUDders do it over the InterNet.
Machinists drill often.
Mathematicians can do it forever if they can do one and can do one more.
Mathematicians do it in imaginary planes.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Mathematicians do it over and under the curves.
Mathematicians do it to prove themselves.
Mathematicians do it to their limits.
Metallurgists are screw'n'edge.
Moonies do it within sects.
Multitaskers do it Everywhere: Concurrently.
Nuns do it out of habit.
Philosophers think about doing it.
Photographers do it in the dark.
Physicists do it at two places in the universe at one time.
Physicists do it like Einstein.
Physicists do it with charm.
Physicists do it with large expensive machinery.
Physicists do it with the help of an absolute Bohr (ouch!).
Plasma physicists do it with everything stripped off.
Plasterers to it hard.
Politicians do it with everyone.
Pool cleaners do it wet.
Popes do it in the woods.
Programmers do it all night.
Quantum mechanics do it in leaps.
RISC assembly programmers do it 1073741824 times a second.
Scuba divers do it deeper.
Shakespearean scholars do it... or don't do it, that is the question....
Skydivers go down faster.
Small boat sailors do it by pumping, rocking, and ooching.
(Pumping is when you let the main sheet out, pull it in, let it out in
order to generate artificial wind on the sail.) (Rocking is deliberately
rolling the boat back and forth to increase speed.) (Ooching is "jerking"
your butt toward the bow to increase speed.)
Smalltalk programmers have more methods.
Soccer players do it for kicks.
Sociologists do it with class.
Software designers do it over and over again until they get it right.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians probably do it.
Systems programmers keep it up longer.
Typographers do it with tight kerning.
Usenet news freaks do it with many groups at once.
Vicars do it with amazing grace.
Waitresses serve it hot.
Twelve opening lines never to use when trying to pick up women in a bar:
1. Hello there, beautiful. I hope that's not a sanitary napkin poking out of your purse.
2. Excuse me, are you on the pill?
3. Hi there. Do you swallow?
4. Jeez, these hemmhoroids are killing me. What do you say me and you go for a little stroll?
5. Wow! Are those real?
6. Phew! Are you in the "mood", or did you forget to shower this morning?
7. Ever had sex at the zoo? Really? How about with a human being?
8. Ho-o-o-r-r-k! Jeez, I've had this hair in my throat for over a week now.
9 . Thanks, no beer nuts for me, those sores in my mouth are back again.
10. What do you say we go back to my place and see which one of us has more
zits on our butts!
11. I'm just getting over a rough divorce. I found out she'd been sleeping
with a bisexual Haitian drug addict for the last 3 years...broke my heart.
12. Hey babe, wanna make an easy fifty bucks?
Great Quotes
"Happiness is an inside job." - Anonymous
"What you do comes back to you." - Anonymous
"To be yourself and no one but yourself in world that is trying
its best night and day to make you everyone else, is the hardest
battle any man can fight and never stop fighting."
- e.e. cummings
"The unexamined life is not worth living."
- Socrates
"Every person who has risen above the common level has received
two educations: the first from his teachers; the second, more
personal and important, from himself."
- Gibbon
"Art is a human activity having for its purpos the transmission
to others of the highest and best feelings to which men have ari-
sen."
- Tolstoy
"The monuments of wit survive the monuments of power."
- Bacon
"He who lets the world, or his own portion of it, choose his plan
of life for him has no need of any other faculty than the ape-
like one of imitation. He who chooses his plan for himself em-
ploys all his faculties."
- John Stuart Mill
"If the teachers of mankind are to be cognizant of all that they
ought to know, everything must be free to be written and publish-
ed without restraint."
- John Stuart Mill
.
"Pygmies placed on the shoulders of giants see more than the
giants themselves."
- Lucan
"At any moment, in every situation, you have the power to transform
your life."
- Werner Erhard
"The usefulmess of an opinion is itself matter of opinion- as
disputable, as open to discussion, and requiring discussion as
much as the opinion itself."
- John Stuart Mill
"He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that.
His reasons may be good, and no one may be able to refute them.
But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite
side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no
ground for preferring either opinion."
- John Stuart Mill
"Men are not more zealous for truth than they often are for error,
and a sufficient application of legal or even of social penalties
will generally succeed in stopping the propagation of either."
- John Stuart Mill
"Not to know what happened before one was born is always to be a
child."
- Cicero
"If society lets any considerable number of its members grow up
mere children, incapable of being acted on by rational consider-
ation of distant motives, society has itself to blame for the
consequences."
- John Stuart Mill
"An injustice anywhere, is a threat to justice everywhere."
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"What you do may seem to be insignificant; nevertheless, it is
of the greatest importance that you do it."
- Mahatma Ghandi
"Nothing in education is more astonishing as the amount of ignorance
it accumulates in the form of inert facts."
- Henry Adams
"Truth gains more even by the errors of one who, with due study
and preparation, thinks for himself than by the true opinions of
those who only hold them because they do not suffer themselves to
think."
- John Stuart Mill
"... there is only one liberal study- that which gives a man
his liberty."
- Seneca
"I cannot throw over arguments I formerly accepted merely because
of what has come ... If we can't find better ones, I will not
give way to you, not even if the power of the multitude were far
greater than it now is, to frighten us like children with its
threats of confiscation, bonds, and death."
- Socrates
"You can observe a lot just by watching."
- Yogi Berra
"Everything you give is given to yourself." - ACIM
"The transformation of the world depends upon YOU." - Unknown
"You only get to keep what you give away." - ACIM
"What you focus on expands." - unknown
"The highest form of creativity is the spontaneous cooperation
of free people."
- Albert Einstein
"Seek the truth, and the truth will set you free."
- Jesus Christ
An egotist is a person of low taste-more interested in himself than in me.
-Ambrose Bierce
Trying to squash a rumor is like trying to unring a bell. -Shana Alexander
Few people are successful unless a lot of other people want them to be.
-Charles Brower
Ignorance doesn't kill you-but it makes you sweat a lot. -Haitian Proverb
The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning. -Sandy Cooley
Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing
golf with his boss. -Author unknown
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be
a shortage of fishing poles. -Doug Larson
If you had your life to live over again-you'd need more money.
-Construction Digest
No one ever listened himself out of a job. -Calvin Coolidge
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually
has a son who thinks he's wrong. -Charles Wadsworth
Marriage is like the army. Everybody complains, but you'd be surprised
at how many re-enlist. -Author Unknown
To err is human-and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
-Orben's Current Comedy
A signature always reveals a man's character-and sometimes even his name.
-Evan Esar
You can tell a lot about a man by his door-and sometimes even his name.
I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy.
-Bern Williams
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless
manner, you have learned how to live. -Lin Yutang
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex-but
Congress can. -Cullen Hightower
I am opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the
position. -Mark Twain
Some people march to a different drummer-and some people polka. -Unknown
Those who flee temptation generally leave a forwarding address.
-Lane Olinghouse
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been
times like these. -Paul Harvey
You are better off not knowing how sausages and laws are made. -Unknown
Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even though you wish
they were. -Unknown
In psychology, there is no such thing as an exceptionally interesting
case. At the rate psychologists charge, all their cases are exceptionally
interesting.
English Law prohibits a man from marrying his mother-in-law.
This is our idea of useless legislation. -Anonymous
A ship in harbor is safe - but that is not what ships are for. John A. Shedd
To live only for some future goal is shallow. It is the sides
of the mountain that sustain life, not the top. Robert Pirsig
The right to do something does not mean that doing something is right.
William Safire
It is difficult to be crafty and winsome at the same time, and
few accomplish it after the age of six.
Forsan et haec olim meminisse iuvabit. Vergil - the Aeneid
(Perhaps someday it will be pleasing to remember even these things.)
Treat a child as though he is already the person he is capable of becoming.
Man blames fate for other coincidences but feels personally
responsible for a hole-in-one. HORIZONS
Gentleness is making a point - without making an enemy. OUR DAILY BREAD
Education is learning what we didn't even know we didn't know.
It helps to pause in our pursuit of happiness once in a while and just be
happy. Josh Billings
I'll play it first and tell you what it is later.
MILES DAVIS
I'm hungry! I'm hungry!
for good things to eat
for Sugar Jets, Sugar Jets
(whole toasted wheat)
ADVERTISEMENT
Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.
HASSAN I SABBAH
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
BO DIDDLEY
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the
opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
NIELS BOHR
Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed.
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA ORACLE
The most merciful thing in the world ... is the inability of the human
mind to correlate all its contents.
H P LOVECRAFT
Take what you can use and let the rest go by.
KEN KESEY
Its not the size of the ship, its the size of the waves.
LITTLE RICHARD
I never loved another person the way I loved myself.
MAE WEST
Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
SIGMUND FREUD
When choosing between two evils I always like to take the one
I've never tried before.
MAE WEST
Her life was saved by rock and roll.
LOU REED
It is a rather pleasent experience to be alone in a bank at night.
WILLIE SUTTON
Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs painting.
BILLY ROSE
The rich will do anything for the poor but get off their backs.
KARL MARX
If Karl, instead of writing a lot about capital, had made a lot of
it ... it would have been much better.
KARL MARX'S MOTHER
When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve
it on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality.
AL CAPONE
Anything anybody can say about America is true.
EMMETT GROGAN
Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land
in Los Angeles.
FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT
Use it up ... Wear it out.
Make it do ... Or do without.
US WORLD WAR II MESSAGE
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
TRICIA NIXON
The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this
incredible jailbreak.
WAVY GRAVY
The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun.
BUCKMINSTER FULLER
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
DWIGHT D EISENHOWER
College isnt the place to go for ideas.
HELEN KELLER
Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns
and detective stories.
ARTHUR C CLARKE
Any smoothly functioning technology will have the appearence of magic.
ARTHUR C CLARKE
Stay out of the road, if you want to grow old.
PINK FLOYD
Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be
when I grow up.
PETER DRUCKER
How can you be two places at once when you're not anywhere at all?
FIRESIGN THEATER
We are what we pretend to be.
KURT VONNEGUT, JR
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
OSCAR WILDE
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong -
but that's the way to bet.
DAMON RUNYON
I could prove God statistically.
GEORGE GALLUP
My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior
spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive
with our frail and feeble mind.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Real wealth can only increase.
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
Anyone can hate. It costs to love.
JOHN WILLIAMSON
In the province of the mind, what one believes to be true either is true
or becomes true.
JOHN LILLY
Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space.
GRAFFITI
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Nobody can be exactly like me. Even I have trouble doing it.
TALLULAH BANKHEAD
A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
GEORGE WALD
Dont lose
Your head
To gain a minute
You need your head
Your brains are in it.
BURMA SHAVE
It was always thus; and even if 'twere not, 'twould inevitably have been
always thus.
DEAN LATTIMER
Burnt Sienna. Thats the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas.
KEN WEAVER
We dont know who discovered water, but we are certain it wasn't a fish.
JOHN CULKIN
Try to be the best of what you are, even if what you are is no good.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Please dont ask me what the score is, Im not even sure what the game is.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
I don't have any solution, but I certainly admire the problem.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
Maybe I'm lucky to be going so slowly, because I may be going in the
wrong direction.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task
completely overwhelm me.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you
hit the target.
ASHLEIGH BRILLIANT
America is the only country that went from barbarism to decadence
without civilization in between.
OSCAR WILDE
If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would
presumably flunk it.
STANLEY GARN
The world looks as if it has been left in the custody of trolls.
FATHER ROBERT F CAPON
If we make peaceful revolution impossible, we make violent revolution
inevitiable.
JOHN F KENNEDY
"Contrariwise", continued Tweedledee, "If it was so, it might be; and if
it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic."
LEWIS CARROLL
It takes a long time to understand nothing.
EDWARD DAHLBERG
To know the world one must construct it.
CESARE PAVESE
Eeny Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak.
BULLWINKLE MOOSE
The mistake you make is in trying to figure it out.
TENESSEE WILLIAMS
An object never serves the same function as its image- or its name.
RENE MAGRITTE
He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder.
M C ESCHER
Law of Computability Applied to Social Sciences:
If at first you don't suceed, transform your data set.
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
CALVIN COOLIDGE
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
PAUL ERLICH
If A equals success, then the formula is:
A= X + Y + Z
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.
ALBERT EINSTEIN
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are
you won't either.
JOSEPH FISCHER
Fourth Law of Thermodymanics:
If the probability of success is not almost one, then it is
damn near zero.
DAVID ELLIS
Froud's Law:
A transistor protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the
fuse by blowing first.
Fullers Law of Cosmic Irreversibility:
1 Pot T == 1 Pot P
1 Pot P != 1 Pot T
R BUCKMINSTER FULLER
The meek shall inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.
J PAUL GETTY
Give a small boy a hammer and he will find that everything he
encounters needs pounding.
ABRAHAM KAPLAN
The fault lies not with our technologies but with our systems.
ROGER LEVIAN
Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there
is some ordinance under which you can be booked.
ROBERT D SPRECHT (RAND CORP)
Thoreau's Law:
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent of
doing you good, you should run for your life.
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
GERALD WEINBERG
Zimmerman's Law of Complaints:
Nobody notices when things go right.
Real knowledge is to know the extent of ones ignorance.
CONFUCIUS
Whoso diggeth a pit shall fall therein.
BOOK OF PROVERBS
It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
MARK TWAIN
The unnatural, that too is natural.
GOETHE
I used to be indecisive; now Im not sure.
GRAFFITI
I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it.
SAMUEL GOLDWYN
He hasn't one redeeming vice.
OSCAR WILDE
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
GRAFFITI
(To Walter Cronkite):
"Well Walter, I believe that the Good Lord gave us a finite number
of heartbeats and I'm damned if I'm going to use up mine running
up and down a street"
- Neil Armstrong -
" 'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability"
- George Bernard Shaw -
"Birth, Copulation, and Death. That's all the facts when you
come to brass tacks"
T. S. Elliot -
"Make no little plans. They have no Magic to stir Men's blood."
D. B. Hudson -
"Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more '
user-friendly'.... Their best approach, so far, has been to take
all the old brochures, and stamp the words, 'user-friendly' on the cover."
Bill Gates,Pres.,Microsoft,Inc. -
Eight Things your computer won't do:
1) It won't save you money
2) It won't make your organization run right
3) It won't solve every problem
4) It won't run itself
5) It won't always be right
6) It won't meet all its own needs
7) It won't protect itself
8) It won't become obsolete
J. Makower -
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful,we can organize them into a committee...
that will do them in.
Civilization Law #1:
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations
one can do without thinking about them.
Ketterling's Law:
Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence.
"Whenever 'A' attempts by law to impose his moral standards
upon 'B', 'A' is most likely a scoundrel"
H. L. Mencken -
"Money, not morality, is the principle commerce of civilized nations"
- Thomas Jefferson -
"We must all hang together, or we will surely all hang separately"
- Benjamin Franklin -
"Where a new invention promises to be useful, it ought to be tried"
- Thomas Jefferson -
"Assuming that either the left wing or the right wing gained
control of the country, it would probably fly around in circles"
- Pat Paulsen -
"An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself"
- Camus -
The Swartzberg Test:
The validity of a science is its ability to predict.
"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
striving of the human race"
- Alfred North Whitehead -
"What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick!"
- Bill Kirchenbaum, comedian -
"To err is human, to compute divine. Trust your computer but
not its programmer"
- Morris Kingston -
"I've seen many politicians paralyzed in the legs as myself, but
I've seen more of them who were paralyzed in the head"
- George Wallace -
"You don't have to explain something you never said"
- Calvin Coolidge -
"A little caution outflanks a large cavalry"
- Bismarck -
"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money"
- Everett Dirksen -
"The personal computer market is about the same size as the
total potato chip market. Next year it will be about half the
size of the pet food market and is fast approaching the total
worldwide sales of pantyhose"
- James Finke,Pres.,Commodore Int'l Ltd.(1982) -
"I like a man who grins when he fights."
- Winston Churchill -
"There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true."
- Winston Churchill -
"Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most times he
will pick himself up and carry on..."
- Winston Churchill -
"God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday,
and Friday, and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday,
Thursday, and Saturday."
- William Bragg -
"That man is richest whose pleasures are cheapest"
- Thoreau -
After all is said and done, a lot more has been said than done.
Any given program, when running correctly, is obsolete.
Tell a man that there are 300 billion stars in the universe,
and he'll believe you.... Tell him that a bench has wet paint
upon it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.
"Discovery consists in seeing what everyone else has seen and
thinking what no one else has thought."
- Albert Szent-Gyorgi -
I really hate this damn machine,
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does just what I want,
But only what I tell it.
"Fantasy, abandoned by reason, produces impossible monsters;
united with it, she is the mother of the arts and the origin of marvels"
- Goya -
"Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon
the wall instead of using it"
- Gordon R. Dickson -
"Civilization is a movement, not a condition; it is a voyage, not a harbor."
- Toynbee -
"We have met the enemy and he is us"
- Walt Kelly (in POGO) -
"If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
- Bert Lantz -
"The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a neccessity."
- Oscar Wilde -
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire -
Ode to Turbulent Flow:
Big whirls have little whirls
Which feed on their velocity,
And little whirls have lesser whirls
And so on, to viscosity.
"There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them"
- Heisenberg -
"It takes all sorts of in & out-door schooling
to get adapted to my kind of fooling"
- R. Frost -
"Confound these ancestors.... They've stolen our best ideas!"
- Ben Jonson -
A Short Guide to Comparitive Religions
Taoism Shit happens!
Confucianism Confucias say, " Shit Happens"
Calvinism Shit happens because you don't work hard enough.
Buddhism If shit happens, It really isn't shit.
Seventh Day Adventist No shit on Saturdays.
Zen What is the sound of shit happening?
Hedonism There's nothing like a good shit happening.
Hinduism This shit happened before.
Mormon This shit is going to happen again.
Islam If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
Moonies Only happy shit really happens.
Stoicism This shit is good for me.
Protestantism Let the shit happen to someone else.
Catholicism Shit happens because you are BAD.
Hare Krishna Shit happens rama rama.
Judaism Why does this shit always happen yo US?
Zoroastrianism Shit happens half the time.
Christian Science Shit is in your mind.
Atheism Sheeit.
Existentialism What is shit anyway?
Rastafarianism Let's smoke this shit.
Witchcraft Mix this shit together and it will happen.
Fatalism Oh shit, it's going to happen!
Scientology All this happens to be shit.
ACTUAL ANNOUNCEMENTS TAKEN FROM CHURCH BULLETINS
1. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North
ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
2. Tuesday at 4:00 P.M. there will be an ice cream social. All
ladies giving milk, please come early.
3. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson
will sing, "Put me in My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
4. Thursday at 5:00 P.M. there will be a meeting of the Little
Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see
the minister in his study.
5. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Smith to come
forward and lay an egg on the altar.
6. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of
the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation
will join in.
7. On Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the
expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something
on the new carpet, please come forward and get a piece of paper
at the end of the service.
8. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind
and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
Fu Manchu and his daughter, Cherry Blossom, were on a tour of New England,
accompanied by a young man. The trio visited a pair of water slides on a
mountainside and took several rides. When the three went down a chute together,
Cherry Blossom and her boyfriend were decorous, but when it was just the
two of them, they embraced each other passionately.
"Cherry Blossom," the young man said, "I really like it whe your father
isn't with us and you hug and kiss me!"
"Yes," she replied, "but I can only do that when the Fu is on the other chute."
A trainee was assigned to guard the entrance to a bivouac site, and
told to use the challenge "Victor" and listen for the password, "Romeo" to allow entry.
The trainee had been on watch only a short time when an officer from
another company approached. "Halt" commanded the guard. "Victor."
The officer didn't know the response, but he did know trainees. "No
private," he said. "That's my part, I say that."
The trainee, having been corrected a million times, assumed he had made
another mistake. The officer then said, "Victor." The trainee responded,
"Romeo," and, having heard both words, permitted the officer to pass.
A man who was involved in a serious motorcycle accident was unable to
speak when he first regained counsciousness. Wishing to know how long he
had been unconscious, he took a piece of paper and a pencil from the bedstand
and, after writing "Date?" on it, gave it to his nurse. She handed it back
to him - after she had written the word "Married" on it.
I tried a Plutonic mixed-sex living together relationship once. It turned
out to be a really Mickey Mouse arrangement.
The following appeared in the Wednesday (24-Jun) New York Times, in the
Metropolitan Diary, a weekly column of "human interest" stories sent in
by readers:
A small sign was taped to a building on West 120th Street near
Amsterdam Avenue, and Ellen Shaw of Scotch Plains, N.J., noticed
it as she passed by. It was a discreet advertiesement for a
nearby stand run by three young entrepreneurs - two boys and a
girl - who were selling iced tea, cola and cookies.
Ms. Shaw ordered tea and offered the youngsters a suggestion:
"You may want to make a bigger sign," she said. "That one is
really not to noticeable."
"I know," said one of the boys, gesturing toward one of his
partners, "but that's as big as his computer makes them."
He paused, thought for a moment, and slapped his forehead. "Hey,
I've got it!" he exclaimed. "Maybe we could DRAW a bigger sign!"
The tea, incidentally, was herbal.
[I was just listening to a radio program where an excerpt of some book was
being read. The author was making some ludicrous statements about the influence
of colors on human beings.]
"Tests with blind-folded subjects demonstrate that color affects the unconscious."
Several recently deceased people were standing in front of the
pearly gates awaiting admission to heaven. St. Peter announced that
a final short quiz was necessary prior to entering to be sure that
the people learned at least a little about religion before they died.
St. Peter asked a man what Easter meant to him.
"Easter," replied the man, "is a very important holiday. You bake a
turkey, have the family over for dinner and give thanks for the good
things that you have in life."
"No, no, no," said St. Peter and he sent the man to purgatory. He
then asked another man what Easter was.
"Easter," answered the second man, "is a wonderful time of the year
when you decorate a tree, sing carols and exchange gifts!"
"No, no, no" exclaimed St. Peter in desperation. "Doesn't anyone
here know what Easter is?"
"You," said St. Peter, pointing to a third man, "can you tell me
what Easter is?"
"Certainly I can" the third man answered pointedly. "Easter is when
the Lord Jesus Christ is buried in a cave and after three days he
arises up out of the cave."
"Finally," exclaimed St. Peter, "Here is a man who truely
understands what Easter is."
"Yes," said the third man, "and if Jesus sees his shadow and jumps
back into the cave we have 6 more weeks of winter...
The Pope sent an urgent telegram to all cardinals, saying "Drop
everything, come to Rome immediately!"
When they all arrived he addressed their assembly, saying,
"I've got some good news and some bad news. First, the
good news: God called me on the phone, said the world will end
next month and we'd better be ready!
There was immediate screaming and confusion. Someone shouted
"If THAT'S the good news, what can the bad news be?"
"He was calling from Salt Lake City."
One day, these two carrots were driving down the interstate in this big black
Trans Am (no 'S' on the side). At one point, they took an exit ramp much too
fast, and the car rolled several times and was totaled.
An ambulance took the two carrots to the local hospital. One carrot got
off with just cuts and bruises, but the other carrot was in the operating
room for hours. The first carrot remained in the waiting room, pacing and
biting his nails.
Finally the chief surgeon emerged from the operating room, pulling off his
mak and rubber gloves. The carrot who was waiting ran up to him frantically.
Shaking the doctor by the lapels, the carrot said, "Doc! Doc! You gotta
tell me! Is my friend going to be okay?"
Pulling himself loose from the carrot, the doctor replied, "Well, I've got
some good news and some bad news. The good news is, your friend will live.
The bad news is . . .
. . . he'll be a vegetable for the rest of his life!" (ACK PHHHHHHTT!!!)
A New York tailor, devout Jew all his days, tries very hard to bring
up his children in the faith. One day, his youngest son comes to him
and announces that he is becoming a Roman Catholic. The tailor ponders
his misfortunes, trying to understand why such a thing should happen to
him. In desolation, he seeks out his rabbi and confides in him.
"Rabbi," laments the tailor, "I do not understand. I have a son, a
good Jewish boy, brought up in the faith. We observed, we attended,
we did everything for the boy, and yet he decides to become a Catholic.
How can this thing be?"
"My friend," says the rabbi, "you WOULDN'T believe, but I must tell you.
I, too, have a son, a good Jewish boy, brought up here in the synagogue
in the faith. Yet, he also became a Catholic. Who is to know? The
Almighty has his reasons. All we can do is pray to Him for answers."
With that, the two of them set forth in devout prayer.
Suddenly, the lights dim, the walls shake, and God's voice fills the
room. "Let me tell you two, you WOULDN'T believe, but I had a son,
a good Jewish boy..."
A guy was jumping up and down on a manhole cover saying "78. 78. 78. 78.".
A passer-by noticed this odd behavior and asked why the person was jumping
up and down on a manhole cover saying "78. 78. 78. 78.". The person replied
"I'm keeping the alligators away". The passer-by retorted "There's not an
alligator in a hundred miles of here!". "See" said the jumper.
I read the other day of a Tennessee town called Cosby.
I think I'll move there and start a business selling brewing supplies to moonshiners.
"Cosby Stills and Mash," that's what I'll call it.
We have to be careful not to put Descartes before the horse.
The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff
in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl
laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you
got a sense of humor?"
"I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday."
A woman's three sons went to Texas to raise beef cattle, sheep, and
hogs. They had no idea what to name their ranch so they wrote home to mother
for suggestions. Name it Focus, she replied. Puzzled, they called for an
explanation. Mom said Focus - where the sons raise meet.
"Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves
on a rainy Sunday afternoon." Susan Ertz
Jones and Doodah went fishing one Saturday afternoon.
All of a sudden a terrible storm came up and in the midst of the
storm the boat tipped over and Doodah drown.
Jones was completely devestated. This was his best friend, how in
the world would he break the news to Mrs. Doodah?
Jones went back to the Doodah home and announced that he had returned
from the trip. Mrs. Doodah was quick to notice that her husband was
not with Jones. She asked where Doodah was.
Jones replied; "We went fishing and guess who drown-
Doo-dah, Doo-dah"
(Sing this reply to the music of Camptown Races)
A Dutch guy is standing by an outside wall of his house and is
diligently scraping off the paint. His neighbor spots him
and with natual Dutch curiostity asks "Hey, you're moving?"
[This is a multiple-independently-targeted joke insert your own characters.]
Ronald Reagan, Billy Graham and Alexander Haig were on their way to a
secret summit meeting when Air Force One crashed and they were all
killed.
Next thing they know, Billy and Alex find themselves sitting on the
curb of a street paved with gold bricks. Ron is not with them. Their
surroundings fit the standard description of Heaven except that,
chained to each one's leg is an INCREDIBLY ugly woman.
Haig says, "Somebody has screwed up; we're going to see the head man!"
They go to God's office and complain loudly. God's secretary says,
"God is too busy to be bothered with you guys. Go tell it to St.
Peter; he's the dean of admissions."
They find and confront St. Peter. He tells them, "Well, it's like
this You turkeys just barely made it in here, and for your penance
you must spend eternity with an ugly woman chained to your leg."
Billy Graham says, "Hey, look, I'm a minister; I know a lot of
influential people up here. Can't we make some kind of deal?"
St. Peter says, "If you don't like it, you can go straight to Hell!"
"Oh. Okay."
Back out on the street, Billy and Alex spot Ronald Reagan. Chained to
Ronnie's leg is Bo Derek. They grab Ron and say, "Hey, man, what IS
this??"
"Well, it's like this Bo Derek just barely made it in here..."
This is a true story .. really it is .....
A friend of my mother's went to Ohare Airport to pick up her
son who was returning from school. Well, she got to the airport
early, and having skipped lunch she was hungry so she stopped
at one of those snack bars in the airport near the gates. She
bought a package of 4 cookies and a cup of coffee. She walked
over to one of those "stand-up" tables and opened the cookies.
Well, she took out a cookie and started eating it. As she did
this a man who was also at the table took one of the cookies and
began eating it. Well, she gave this man an awful stare (kind
of like "well who do you think you are ") and continued eating
her first cookie and drinking her coffee. Then she took another
cookie (after all she didn't was this strange man eating *all*
of them and she did skip her lunch). Well, as she finished her
cookie the man at the table gingerly took the last cookie and
broke it in half leaving half of it on the wrapper. At this
point (remember, no words have been exchanged between the two
of them) the woman decides to get out of there before this strange
man does something else. So she goes to the gate where her son
is supposed to be coming in. She opened her purse to check the
schedule and what did she find ...... her package of cookies ...
she had put her cookies in her purse and unknowingly was eating
the man's cookies !!!!! HOW EMBARRASSING
The governor of Texas was showing the president of Mexico
around his huge cattle ranch one day.
Not to be outdone, the president said, "I have a dirt road
that goes around my ranch. I drove it one time,
and it took me 4 days to go around it".
The Texas governor thought a minute (as he chewed on
a piece of hay), and replied, "I had a car like that once.".
The little daughter of a WASP family attends the fourth grade. One day
the teacher gives an assignment to the class, she says:
"I want all of you write a very short paragraph about the poorest
family you have seen". The daughter of the WASP family panics, as she has never
talked nor seen anyone outside of her well-to-do neighborhood.
So she writes:
" Last summer I have seen a poor family. They were so poor, so poor that, their
maids were poor, their gardeners were poor and their chauffeurs were poor."
A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental hospital,
he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his car, looks
outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he was riding
was near the mental hospital. In short he realizes that there is no awailable
cheap labor to change the flat tire.
The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks up the car, removes the tire, puts
the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to get the spare tire, trips over
the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby storm sewer. There he is,
a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap labor, helpless. Suddenly
he hears someone yelling "Hey you! ", looks and finds that there is someone
inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars). The patient behind the bars
says " I have been watching you for a while and saw the terrible thing happened
to you, I think I can help", "How ?" asks the WASP, "Easy " says the loonie,
"take one nut from each of the other three wheels and put it on the fourth
wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the nearest gas station"
"You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and continues,
"why did they locked you in ? "
"They put me in because I am a loonie" the guy tells the WASP and continues
"not because I am stupid".
At some point in time, a bad spell of wet weather came over a Southern
state, flooding most of many counties. Since the water was about six feet
deep outside (and inside) their house, one family spent its time sitting on the
porch roof, watching the wreckage float by. The son happened to notice a nice
straw hat as it went downstream. "My," he thought, "I'll bet the person who
lost that hat is sorry now!"
After the hat had floated out of sight around the corner of the house,
the boy kept watching the river. Suddenly, much to his surprise, here comes the
hat, floating upstream, against the current! This was obviously very strange,
so the lad kept his eye on it. It floated upstream and around the other corner
of the house... and came floating back down again. After a while, it came back
upstream yet again, rounding the corner of the house.
Finally, the boy could stand it no longer and pointed out the hat to his
mother, asking her whatever could cause such a sight. His mother replied,
"Oh, that's just your grandfather. He said come Hell or high water,
he was going to mow the lawn today."
There are these two country farmers. One is milking this cow,
the other is bulling the shoot.
While the one farmer is milking, a fly zooms into the cows ear.
The cow starts jumping around, shaking its head and mooing.
Jed tries to steady the cow, but suddenly, it settles down.
Jed looks down, and behold, the fly is in the milk pail.
Jed asks Jethro "Golly, how'd that fly get down there so fast?"
Jethro replies.... "IN ONE EAR AND OUT THE UDDER!"
Did you hear about the father who had two sons, one was terribly
pessimistic, and the other equally optimistic? Well, one Christmas he
decided to cure each one, so he went out and bought the fanciest, most
exciting train set for the pessimistic boy, and, for the optimist, he
got a Christmas stocking and filled it with horse manure.
Christmas morning came, and after the boys had opened their gifts, the
dad asked each what Santa Claus had brought him.
"Well," said the pessimist, "I got a train set, but I'll probably cut
myself putting the track together, and it's got an electric
transformer, so I'll probably electrocute myself, and, besides, the
whole thing will probably break in a week."
The dad was pretty disappointed that his plan hadn't worked completely,
but figured he may still have cured the optimistic boy. "What about
you, son, what did you get?"
The boy was jumping with anticipation: "Oh, I got a pony, only I
haven't found it yet!"
Why can't a bicycle stand up by itself?
Because it's too(two) tired.
Toni was a communist and very unhappy in capitalist Austria. He wanted
to go over the border to Russia, where everything was supposed to be
better. His friend Josef was interested too. However, they'd also
heard a few stories of repressions and shortages, so they didn't know
what to do.
"Look," said Toni, "I've got an idea. I'll go over first. If
everything's great, I'll write back a letter with blue ink. If things
really are awful, and everything's censored, I'll write back a letter
with green ink."
Toni went over the border. After several months Josef got the
following letter, written in blue ink:
Dear Josef,
Everything is just terrific. I'm doing very well. I've got a
beautiful large apartment, and there's lots to eat and drink. Prices
are really low and you can get whatever you want. The only thing I
haven't been able to find is green ink.
Just after the end of World War 2, it was decided that the borders between
Poland and Russia should be redrawn. A surveyor was out one day looking
over the proposed border when he noticed a little house right smack dab on
the line. Well he was unsure as to which country the house belonged to, so
he decided to let the occupants choose which country they wanted to be a part
of. He knocked on the door and an old man answered.
"Well, old man. I'm here to tell you that you have a choice of country. Which
is it, do you want to be part of Poland or Russia?"
The man thought for a moment and said decisively, "Poland!"
The surveyor was taken aback by the old man's vehemence and said, "Why did you
choose Poland."
The old man countered with, "Well, if I have to go through just one more of
these Russian winters...."
A scientist is trying to determine how much each of a frog's
legs contribute to the frog's ability to jump. He places a frog
on a calibrated screen and claps his hands.
"Frog , Jump!," he yells.
The frog leaps into the air. The scientist notes where he lands
in his book - with 4 legs frog jumps 20 inches. He then removes
one leg and repeats the test.
"Frog , Jump!," he yells as he claps his hands.
The frog once again leaps into the air. Once more the scientist
notes the results in his book - with 3 legs frog jumps 15 inches.
The experiment is repeated until all of the frogs legs have been
removed. The scientist places the frog on the test stand one last
time.
"Frog , Jump!," he yells and claps.
There is no response.
"Frog , Jump!," he yells louder.
Again there is no response. After several more tries at prompting
the frog, the scientist gives up with a sigh. He notes in his
book - with no legs frog is deaf.
The following Manly-men Commandments were written so as to remove
any ambiguity that could arise in regard to the treatment of one's
spouse/fiance/girlfriend. It is hoped that all men obey these sacred
laws, for any breach of these written rules will be considered a sin
against womanhood and may result in the loss of privileges such as Monday
Night Football with the guys or hitting the ball with your neighbor, Ted.
The Manly-Men Ten Commandments
I. Thou shall obey thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend at all times.
II. Thou shall shower thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend with gifts daily.
III. Thou shall unconditionally love thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend with
all of thy heart and mind.
IV. Thou shall listen to thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend at all times and
NEVER question the decision of thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend.
V. Thou shall love thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend('s) mother with all
thy heart and mind and respect her as thy would as thine own.
VI. Thou shall cater to thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend('s) every whim.
VII. Thou shall spend every waking moment thinking of thy
spouse/fiance/girlfriend and call her at work/home at least once a
day just to "say hello."
VIII.Thou shall dedicate thy entire life, limb and savings account/IRA/CD
to thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend.
IX. Thou shall not cross, argue with, criticize, debate with, anger,
embarrass in public or ignore thy spouse/fiance/girlfriend at ANY time.
X. Thou shall perfect thy mind-reading skills so as to prevent ANY
shred of misunderstanding that can occur in everyday life.
Follow these, and be manly.
Here are answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...
There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to
an article in last April's issue of Sassy magazine.
The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode
into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly,
which is to say dishonestly. For example:
1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course
is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a
warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are
and what a lucky guy I am to have met you."
Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy
was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:
a - Baseball
b - Football
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.
According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came
from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg.
"If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."
The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For
those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear.
Wrong answers include:
a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?
3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to
confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave
the room. Wrong answers include:
a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance
policy.
4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could
be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard thay you almost
cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case,
the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:
a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.
5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the
event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I
would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza
truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot,
as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:
"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask
such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of couse not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" said the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"Alright," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly."And would you let her wear my old clothes?
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me
and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let
her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She is left-handed."
THE RULES
1. The female always makes the rules.
2. No male can possibly know all the rules.
3. The rules are subject to change at any time without notification.
4. If the female suspects the male knows all the rules, she MUST
immediately change some or all of the rules.
5. The female is never wrong.
6. If the female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding
which was a direct result of something the male did or said.
7. If rule 6 applies, the male must apologize immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without written consent from the Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him
to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must under no circumstances let the Male know whether
or not she wants.
13. Any attempt to document these rules could result in bodily harm.
14. If the Female has PMS, all rules are null and void.
THE REAL RULES
1. THE MALE ALWAYS MAKES THE RULES.
2. Dammit, it is not cold in here. It's warm. Get a blanket.
3. If you don't like it, that's not my problem.
4. THE MAN IS NEVER WRONG.
5. You got a problem with that? I don't care.
6. If it appears that the man is wrong, it is always a direct result
of something the woman said or did wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the female must apologize immediately for causing
the misunderstanding and go get the man a beer and sit down, I can't
see the game.
8. THE MAN IS NEVER LATE.
9. If he is late, it's because a certain person with very cold feet
kept him up all night by stealing the covers.
10. The female must limit her goodbyes to 30 minutes each, or 15 minutes
each at a very large family gathering with people she sees every week.
11. THE MAN BALANCES THE CHECKBOOK.
12. The female must under no circumstances be allowed near all those
numbers so as to eliminate confusion.
13. WHERE DID YOU LEARN TO DRIVE LIKE THAT? AND I HAPPEN TO LIKE TO USE
THE REMOTE ALL THE TIME. THAT'S WHAT IT'S THERE FOR.
Occasionally in life, it's handy to be able to get out of awkward social
situations. In such events, it behooves you to know these..........
MORE THAN FIFTY WAYS TO GET RID OF BLIND DATES
(and other social catastrophes)
1. At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as
to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
waiter, who reaches for it.
2. Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the
restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
3. Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
4. Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their
reactions.
5. Repeat every third third word you say say.
6. Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for
your high school yearbook.
7. Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
8. Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
9. Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know
what they are talking about.
10. Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
11. Order a bucket of lard.
12. Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well
in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
13. Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are
female.
14. Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
15. Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date
begins talking about themselves.
16. Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
17. When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live
food.
18. Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from
their plate than they do.
19. Drool.
20. Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and
spray crumbs.
21. Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed
in front of you.
22. Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head
waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different
part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date
finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the hell took you so
long in the restroom?!?"
23. Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to
you.
24. Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their
plates.
25. Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep
bringing the subject up.
26. Ask your date how much money they have with them.
27. Order for your date. Order something nasty.
28. Communicate in mime the entire evening.
29. Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the
windows, where you have a good view of all exits,
and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
30. Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
31. Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
32. Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and
pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e
anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
33. Hold a debate. Take both sides.
34. Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
35. Auction your date off for silverware.
36. Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
37. Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings
your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the
waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter
returns with another potato for you, have the first one back
up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
38. Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
39. Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on
tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words
around.
40. Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
41. Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber
language, or just nonsense).
42. Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to
the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one
of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
43. If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the
menu. Take one bite.
44. Bring 20 or so candles you, and during the meal get up
and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
45. Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking
them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a
lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
46. Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
47. Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order
coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage
of the free refills.
48. Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In
a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on
the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
49. Accuse your date of espionage.
50. Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
51. Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
52. Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to
pay the bill.
53. Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
54. Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
55. Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Chemical Analysis of Woman
Element: Woman
Symbol: Wo
Discoverer: Adam
At. Weight: Accepted at 118, but is known to vary from 100 to 160
Occurances: Surplus quantities in all urban areas
Chemical Properties
1. Possesses great affinity for gold, silver, platinum, and
precious stones.
2. Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances.
3. May explode spontaneously if left alone with male.
Special Qualities
1. Surface usually covered in painted film
2. Boils at nothing and freezes without reason
3. Melts if given proper treatment
4. Bitter if used incorrectly
5. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore
Uses
1. Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars
2. Most powerful money-reducing agent
3. Can be great aid to relaxations
Tests
1. Pure specimen turns rosy tint when discovered in natural state
2. Turns green if placed beside a better specimen
Caution
1. Highly dangerous, except in experienced hands
2. Illegal to possess more than one.