I usually wasn’t someone who had to learn from her own mistakes. Usually I could watch mistakes that others had made and learned from them without having to personally suffer. I am sure that before this I had offered my two cents worth of unwelcome knowledge that drinking away problems really doesn’t work to countless numbers of people, but for some reason that oh-so true fact had slipped my mind for the last couple of days. I’m also sure that this whole situation could have been handled differently if I took some time to think before acting, but I didn’t, so it wasn’t. Instead I woke up naked next to my fiancé’s best friend. A married man.

The night before both of us were looking for solutions in the bottom of beer cans and after we’d found the empty bottom we went on to the next one searching for the cure. Once we had reached our limits we passed out in each others arms, both of us with a false sense of safety and security, like we had broken contact with our problems. They watched them go down with the sun, to be buried someplace far out of reach. We felt like we’d never be face to face with them ever again.

But up with the sun, our problems returned with a vengeance. They loomed over our heads long before we woke up, waiting like vultures for us to make the slightest move so they could tear us apart. Before my eyes even opened I could feel the tension in the room caused by our looming problems. Reality had also come up with the sun, and like a father whose teenage daughter broke curfew, reality paced the room back and forth waiting for my late arrival.

As soon as my eyes started fluttering I could feel the panic induced by mistakes I had so carelessly made. It grew with the sensation of feeling that slowly made its way into the rest of my body especially the presence of heat on the right side of my body, and the lump under my back.

I awoke tangled in his arms. I tried my hardest to force myself back to sleep, making sure not to open my eyes, but as soon as I felt him move next to me I cracked.

I needed to get out of there.

I made a plan in my head to slip out unnoticed. I toyed with the idea of writing him a note, explaining, but I wasn’t sure exactly what to explain, so I scrapped the idea. Plus, the longer I was in there, the better his chance of waking up. I decided I was going to slide out of the bed, quickly throw on the clothes that were scattered on the floor, and sneak out of the room without him even noticing. I was going to run down the hall to the stairs, then out of the hotel. I was going to keep running, and not turn around. I could somehow make it home, and never have to face him ever again. The actual details of how I would get home were a fuzzy, but I could figure that out later.

Once I was set on my plan I took a deep breath, and pealed my open my eyes only to slam then back shut and feel my stomach drop.

Fuck.

He was already awake. Not only awake, but his eyes were transfixed on my face, probably going over a plan of his own on how to get his arms out from under my back without waking me up.

I breathed heavily for a moment racking my brains from something worth saying, but I couldn’t think of any mindless rambling of slurred words, that regardless of what they actually were that would make this better. They’d fall short anyways. No words that I could throw together could even come close to making this situation dissolve and go away.

What the fuck was I thinking getting myself into this situation? I wasn’t this kind of girl; not even close. Right now I felt more alone than I did before Zac and I had fallen into each others laps. I had friends who were always around, and I could tell my mom anything. But not anymore. I felt so alone in the fact that not one of my friends were there for me, and let me do this, and I would be ashamed if my mom knew even half of what had happened.

What in the hell would make this the right thing? I have no idea how it ever got to this point. Here we were, neither of us wearing a stitch of clothing, yet somehow we were both deeply in disguise, hiding from the new problems that had grown overnight. I looked into his face for awhile trying to figure out a way to wipe the slate clean and start over, but there was no answer at all.

An apology? I’m sorry for sleeping with you? It was an accident? Before I had time to actually to put them together, words were flying from my mouth. I tripped over myself spewing apologies into the space between us. It started off as an apology, and ended with incoherent sobs and sniffles as I hid my face in a pillow.

I didn’t matter what I was saying though, and after I lifted my head I realized after a few minutes that he wasn’t even listening, and had no reaction to my wavering voice. He kept staring through me, only blinking every so often to moisten his dry, dead eyes. I could have been saying anything and he wouldn’t have noticed anyways.

I quickly shut my mouth, feeling like an idiot. No one had ever taught me how to handle a situation like this, so how was I supposed to know? I was quiet for another minute studying his face as he looked past me. I couldn’t help but think that what happened last night had put a fierce end to what could have been an actual relationship. These days it gets harder and harder to find people that I can actually relate to, and with Zac I felt like I could actually count on him to understand. After all, he was the only person who could actually understood what I was going through with Lex. Zac was the safety blanket that I planned on hiding under until I could flee to my home far away from that dark hotel room that stole my future.

Our rash decisions last night had left me in over my head. Thoughts were flying through my brain so fast I couldn’t even begin to put them together. I could feel him slipping farther and farther away from me leaving miles between us, even though I was still lying in his arms. I remembered our small conversation the night before about choices you make when you’re drunk, and I couldn’t help but feel like it was the truth. I did want to kiss him. I did want him. But I didn’t want it this. I didn’t want it to happen this way. I just wanted to find comfort in something, and to feel like I wasn’t alone.

Maybe it was just the fact that we were both brokenhearted and looking for comfort in each other, or maybe there was some sort of attraction hiding secretly for the past month or so. Either way, looking at him now I knew there was no chance of anything to come from this. I already felt like I was loosing him, and I knew the end of our relationship was near. I couldn’t help but think that maybe if things were different and if I hadn’t set aside the fact that I was drunk and making bad choices that things could have worked out differently.

Any chance at a friendship after this was killed by the awkwardness brought on by waking up sober and naked with regrets building by the second. I could feel myself hating him. I hated him for not reacting, and I hated him for being able to hide his emotions unlike me and most of all I hated him for letting me let this happen.

In one swift move I had pulled the comforter of the bed and wrapped it around me as I stood over the bed screaming at him. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what I screamed, but I wanted to evoke some sort of reaction from his stone face. The only reaction he showed though, was that of the cold air hitting his bare skin. He grabbed a sheet that was bunched up at his waist and pulled it up to his chest, tucking it under his arms and closing his eyes.

I clutched the comforter tighter around me and spun myself around away from the bed. I had it tucked under my armpits as I grasped at the excess comforter lying on the ground so I could hike it up and storm away, making my dramatic exit to the bathroom.

I stumbled into the bathroom awkwardly carrying the over abundance of comforter that was wrapped around me, and slammed the door shut. I slammed my back against the door and slid down to the floor, crossing my arms and dropping them onto my knees to hide my face as I cried. It made my stomach hurt thinking of how this had all built up and snapped.

I could feel myself getting sick, so I swallowed hard and tried to control my breathing. My heart was beating in my throat, and I couldn’t keep my hands from shaking. I abandoned my comforter and crawled over to the toilet releasing the weight of my problems into its empty white bowl. After my stomach was emptied of its content I flushed the toilet and stood up to stand face to face with the mirror. My hair was barely being held back in a ponytail, half of it had fallen out of the rubber band and framed my face in a tangled mess. My eye make up was smeared clear across my face in streaks and smudges leaving dark rings around my eyes. My skin was pale and my eyes were red. I looked like a zombie.

I gathered my comforter and threw in into the dry bathtub. I slowly lowered myself into the bathtub and wrapped the comforter around tight around me, leaving little room to move my arms. I curled up into a ball and rested my head against the curved edge of the tub hoping for a miracle to take me away. My tears slid out of my eyes and ran down the slope of the tub until they were swallowed by the comforter.

I wanted so bad to find out that everything that had happened in the last few days was just a dream. There was no way that my life could so easily fall apart at the seams. These things don’t happen to normal people, and that’s who I was. I was a normal person. I swore to myself that I would never be one of “those girls,” yet somehow overnight I had become one of them.

I rolled onto my back and propped my feet on the wall next to the faucet after I pulled the shower curtain shut. With my right foot I slowly pushed the dial toward the small blue strip indicating cold water. The water started falling, soaking the bottom of the blanket. It crept upwards saturating the blanket until I could feel its coldness against my thighs and eventually my stomach. I laid there for what seemed like hours as the cold water soaked into the blanket and filled the tub. I slouched deeper into the tub letting the water circle my face and spill over the edge of the tub and drip quietly onto the cold tan tile floor. I let the water cover my ears, and the faint noise of the bathroom fan and running water hummed relaxingly, muffling everything else out.

I could feel the water at the edge of my eyes, only leaving a small circle of my face uncovered. My warm tears mixed with the water and I breathed slowly starting to zone out.

“Jovie!”

I jumped at the sound breaking through the relaxing hum, sending water flying out of the tub to splash onto the bathroom floor. I gasped for air struggling to raise myself out of the water and fought to release my arms from the tight grasp of the heavy, wet comforter. I grabbed the shower curtain just enough to poke my head out to see Zac had entered through the bathroom door that I had absentmindedly forgotten to lock.

I sat up, causing a disturbance in the water, spilling more onto the floor and pushed the shower curtain open with the hand I had freed from my freezing comforter. He had put the toilet seat cover down and sat on the toilet across from me dressed in his wrinkled clothes from the night before. He sat crouched over with his elbows resting on his knees, and his hands folded together with his eyes demanding an explanation.

“What are you doing?” he asked loudly over the rushing water.

I took a deep breath and tried to regain my composure after nearly having a heart attack. I shut my eyes and slouched back into the water ignoring his request for an explanation.

He leaned into the shower and turned the dial to stop the water from spilling into the bathtub and then the floor.

“What does it look like I’m doing?” I sneered, reaching my foot back up to the dial to turn the water back on. He turned it right back off, so I went to turn it on again, but he grasped my right foot in his hand and stared at me.

“I don’t know!” I screamed back at him sitting up. “I don’t know!” I repeated, throwing my arms up in defeat. “Does it look like I know what I’m doing?” My voice cracked showing that I was at the edge before I started sobbing.

Zac quickly got off the toilet and knelt down beside the tub next to me soaking his pants with the water that overflowed. He wrapped his arms around me, and pulled me close to his chest, pushing my wet hair back off my face, slowly drawing circles on my back with his other. I resisted at first, trying to pound on his chest and push him away, but he wouldn’t let me. He continued rocking back and forth slowly, rubbing my back rhythmically until I gave up and let him hold me.

All of his clothes were soaked with water, but he didn’t let it bother him. He waited until my breathing had found its normal rhythm before released his hug. He pulled back just enough to look down at me, keeping his arms around my back to keep me from slipping.

“We can fix this,” he assured me looking deep into my eyes.

I wanted to believe him, but I knew I couldn’t. He promised me he would never lie to me again, but he did. I slammed my palms onto his chest and pushed him as far away from me as I could. He fell backwards off his knees and onto his butt. “You promised me!” I screamed, my voice and body both shaking.

He looked up at me in shock. “What did I promise?” He asked shaking his head and climbing back to his knees. He tried to touch my face, but I slapped away his hand.

“You said you’d never lie to me ever again,” I reminded him between my sobs. “And you did. We can’t fix this, Zac. You can’t fix these things. You just,” I inhaled sharply before continuing, “you just can’t.”

“Jovie,” he said so soft I barely heard him as he rubbed his forehead, “please, calm down. Let’s just talk about this. We can fix it.”

“Why would you even wanna fix this? You don’t want me around, fucking look at me!” I yelled pointing at my face, “I’m a fucking wreck, Zac. Your kind of people aren’t supposed to be with people like me. This was all a huge mistake.” I place my hands on the sides of the tub and pushed myself up out of the bathtub, abandoning the comforter. My feet landed on the cold wet floor as I stood up, and Zac followed my actions and stood up too. I reached past him to grab the white towel that was hanging on the rack above the toilet, and quickly wrapped it tight around me. I turned around and headed for the door, only looking back once before turning the doorknob, shaking my head in disbelief as he stood there with confusion written across his face.

“What kind of people are my people?” he asked with hurt in his voice, following me out of the bathroom.

I turned around quickly to stand face to face with him. I could tell he was utterly confused, but something in my just wanted to fight. I wanted to push him away. I didn’t want to drag him down with me. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I rubbed my face with my hands and shook my head. “Never mind, Zac. If you don’t get it, then you just don’t get it.”

“What are you talking about, Jovie?” he asked as he reached out for my arm, but I pulled it away from him and shook my head.

“Did you forget who you are?” I asked walking away from him and bending over to pick up my jeans. “You’re Zac Hanson, Zac. You’re not, just, just… some guy.” I held my jeans in my hands and looked back at him hoping to see some sign of understanding but all he could do was shake his head. “And I’m just some girl from Ohio who’s got her head on backwards and who’s life is fucking falling apart.”

“Jovie,” he said taking a step toward me.

“Don’t Jovie me,” I yelled. “Its true, Zac, and you know it. I’m a nobody, and all I can do is bring you down. You’re not supposed to be with someone like me. Last night was just a huge mistake.” I crouched over and stepped into my jeans, sliding them up under my towel and buttoned them.

“Listen to me,” he demanded raising his voice just a bit. It took me by surprise, and I stood up straight and looked at him. He sat on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to me to indicate for me to sit, but I shook my head and crossed my arms. I was going to let him talk, but I wasn’t going to sit so he shook his head and mumbled “Fine.”

“Talk. I’m listening,” I told him shifting my weight uncomfortably, and sniffled wiping my eyes.

“We both knew what we were doing last night, Joves.” I shook my head in protest, even though I knew there was some truth in it, but he continued. “Yes we did, Jovie. And I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t really feel something between us. We can work this out.”

My mouth dropped as I stared at him trying to figure out where the hell he was coming from. I couldn’t help but cry harder, confused by where in the world he got that idea from. “Are you kidding me? Zac! This is all happening so fast, what the fuck do you mean ‘feel something between us,’ what’s that supposed to mean?”

“I mean, I know there’s an attraction between us, and this definitely isn’t the worst thing in the world.”

“Uh, yes it is!” I scoffed, turning around to pick up my shirt off the ground. “You’re a fucking married man, I'm fuckin’ engaged, and this all has happened in a whole 3 days? Yeah right this isn’t the worst thing that could happen. You don’t even fucking know me, Zac! And how in the hell are you sitting there telling me there’s an attraction between us so it’s okay that it happened? You’re married!”

“But Jovie, I am not staying married to her!” he yelled back in protest. “You remember how I said all that stuff about how she saw me as Zac not as Zac Hanson? That’s a fucking lie; she just sees me as dollar signs, Jovie, and she couldn’t keep Isaac so she moved onto me! You’re the one who put that fucking thought in my head. You’re the one who brought that to my attention. But you’re different. You don’t see me as Zac Hanson. ”

“But Zac, you are Zac Hanson, and there’s no way around it,” I yelled throwing my shirt back onto the ground, and shook my head trying to collect my thoughts before continuing much softer, “And you love her. You don’t just stop loving someone in 3 days. We’re both just really upset and confused over this whole thing. Neither one of us should be making huge decisions right now.”

He stood up and approached me again, trying to wrap his arms around me, but I again pushed him away, and he held his hands up as if to signal he meant no harm. I shook my head and stepped back, and started pacing the room “Zac, let it go. It wasn’t supposed to happen. None of this was. You don’t even know what you’re saying.”

“Yes I do!” he yelled throwing himself back onto the bed.

I stopped walking and scoffed rolling my eyes, “No. No, you don’t. You’re talking like an idiot. This isn’t reality, Zac. None of this is. We are going to go back to Lex and Kate and work this out like civil people, and go on with our lives.”

“No. I’ve been thinking about this for a long time, Jovie, and I’m not going to take it from her.”

“Then good luck finding someone else, Zac, but I’m not it,” I told him, crossing my arms over my chest.

“Why can’t it be you?” he asked throwing his arms into the air.

“You’re being irrational. Zac Hanson isn’t supposed to be confessing his love to just some no name girl, Zac. That’s not realist. It doesn’t work. We’re totally different people.” I wiped my eyes after gaining control and stopping my tears.

“I’m fuckin’ just like you Jovie. What makes us so different that you can’t get over? Huh?”

“Zac, this just isn’t plausible. I’m going to go home in a few weeks and go back to my real life. I don’t get to live like this all the time. This is the last time, and then I have to grow up and face reality. In a few weeks you’re still going to be Zac Hanson, the drummer of Hanson, making girls fucking cream their pants at the sight of your face, and I'm just gunna be plain old Jovie, and I like being plain old Jovie.”

“But Jovie, we can make it work. We can work things out, hell Kate and I did it for years and our hearts obviously weren’t even really in it.”

“Are you still drunk, or are you just fucking crazy?” I asked putting my hands on my hips.

He glared at me and replied, “Why won’t you just try?”

“I just don’t want to Zac. I’m sorry.” I paused for a moment, trying to ignore the genuine hurt in his eyes. “Because you know what? I can’t just throw away everything I’ve ever known to follow you around the country. I’m not cut out to live your lifestyle. You’re going to go on and do whatever rock stars do, and I'm going to go home and marry a nice guy and have kids. I'm gunna buy a minivan and take my kids to gymnastic and dance classes and martial arts and soccer practices. We’re gunna get a dog and, I don’t know, maybe take pictures of our kids riding it around like a cowboy, and we, and” I sniffed as my nose burned, threatening a fresh set of tears, “we’re gunna send our kids to public school and no one is going to treat them special because of who their dad is, and I might even join the PTO and bring cupcakes in on their birthdays, and for Valentines day and Halloween parties. I don’t want my kids growing up with a ton of money never knowing what it means to work for something. I don’t want my kids to grow up traveling the country and not being able to have real friendships because they’re never home. And I want my parents to be around their grandkids, and they live in Ohio, and yours live in Oklahoma, and that’s not fair to anyone. I don’t want to move away from home, and I don’t want you to do that either!”

“So you don’t want anything to do with me because I’m ‘famous,’ and for no other reason?”

“Yes!” I yelled. I ran my fingers through my hair and openly cried in front of him, not knowing what else to say. I wished I could just drop everything in my life and run away with him. He was right about feeling attracted to him, but I had more to lose than he did. If things didn’t work out for us, he wouldn’t have lost anything, but I would be screwed. I couldn’t even fathom leaving my family and friends behind to take on a life with constant judgment, only to loose him and have to go groveling back to my old, pathetic life. There was no way around it, and it was impossible to even consider it.

“That’s fucked up, Joves,” he said standing up shaking his head.

“Why?”

“Because if I said I didn’t want anything to do with you because you’re ‘normal’ I would get fucking hell for that.”

I stood quietly looking at my hands while I thought of how to could explain this to him better. There was nothing wrong with him, but logic was keeping me from agreeing with him. I’m sure hundreds of girls would have loved to be in my situation, but honestly I wondered how many of those girls have actually thought about what kind of baggage comes along with him. If he was just some guy I met through a friend of a friend, or some guy I met in college I would be attracted to him, but he’s not. There’s a lot of things that I wasn’t prepaid to deal with that came along with a relationship with him, and I just couldn’t handle that right now.

“Zac you’re a great guy, but it just won’t work.”

“Well, this is who I am and I can’t change that, Jovie. When I wake up in the morning, guess what. I’m still going to be Zac Hanson, but I don’t let that get in the way of me living my life the way I want to. I know you want me, Jovie. You don’t just have passionate sex with someone you don’t want. And I don’t know why you can’t, but I feel sorry for you if you can’t do what you want. You’re just taking the easy way out.”

I covered my face, and fell to my knees and cried. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to burn the bridges between us, but I wasn’t ready to cross them either. After a minute he stood up and walked to the door.

He turned the handle, and stopped. He turned around as I looked up at him as he spoke. “I don’t regret it.” He swung the door open and walked out of the room. Just before he slammed it just he poked his head into the room and told me we need to be on the road by noon.

He had gone from begging me to work things out with him, to a cold business man in record time.

I sat on the ground and cried for a few minutes before I decided to call my mom and make arrangements to fly home. Just like that I would effortlessly become part of his past.