“Where’s Natalie?” I asked as I stood outside of the venue, hiding from Lex and Zac, indulging in my newest bad habit when Taylor slipped out the same backstage door that I found minutes before. “Doctor told her it would be best if she rested at home until the baby says it time,” he explained, patting his pockets in search of his lighter. “Got a light?” he asked after his was nowhere to be found. I reached into my pocket and pulled out the cheap lighter I bought along with my first pack of cigarettes while we were stopped at a truck stop earlier today, and handed it to Taylor. I’m not sure what it was that told me to take up smoking. Obviously it wasn’t common sense. Maybe it was the overwhelming amount of tension in the van building between my fiancé who drove carelessly not knowing that his fiancée had lost her virginity to his best friend the night before, and the awkwardness of me pretending nothing at all had happened, all the while it was screaming over and over in my head. Or maybe the fact that 2 days ago I walked in on my future husband goin’ at it with his best friends wife. Honestly, either one of those situations alone could send someone ever the edge, and then shove the person in a van for three hours, breathing the recycled air of some she loved, but hated just makes it worse. By the time we made a stop at the truck stop my fingers burned from biting them so far down that they threatened bleeding. The entire ride I spent resting my forehead on the cold glass, staring out the window biting my nails. I didn’t even talk to Annie, despite her persistent efforts to force a conversation. She whispered to me, asking what went down between Lex and I this morning, and after an hour of her talking to a brick wall she huffed loudly, left me alone and fell asleep, curled up in a ball on the seat next to me. Lex drove on turning the radio up louder and louder until it was so loud that it rattled the glass that my forehead rested on. He drummed along with the music as he drove, 100 percent oblivious to my drastically dropping mental status. I thought he would have found it strange the one night I tried to claw out his throat, and the next I took him back, but he didn’t. He probably figures that I am wrapped so tightly around his finger that he could do anything and I would still take him back. He’s a cocky son of a bitch. He always was. I toyed with the idea of breaking his spirits and telling him that I didn’t actually forgive him like he thought I did, but the only reason I seemed so quick to forgive him was because I slept with Zac. I would have liked to see his eyes grow wide, and watch him swallow hard, trying to tell if I was serious or not, but I didn’t want to cause anymore drama, and I wanted to keep my ass covered. Who knows that sort of hell would break out if that news got out. Instead I would keep quiet and allow time for things to go back to normal, before Hanson came in and spun my life out of control. I blew smoke up toward the sky, and flicked the cigarette onto the ground, grinding it into the cement as I pulled out another one. Taylor held the lighter inches away from my face, and lit my cigarette for me before handing the lighter back to me. I nodded and inhaled deeply, shutting my eyes. “When’d you take up this nasty habit”?” he asked scrunching up his nose, showing a small smile. He’d obviously been lectured before. I leaned backward against the building and slid my back against the wall, lowing myself to the ground. I took the cigarette out of my mouth and looked at my watch then up at Taylor, “Oh about 45 minutes ago.” He chuckled and sat down next to me, blowing smoke away from my face. “These things can kill you, you know.” “How long will that take?” I asked, taking another long drag and holding it in for a few seconds. He looked at his watch, much like I’d done moments before, then nodded and announced “You’ve got awhile.” I exhaled and smiled, “Good to know.” “So what made you start?” he asked, holding his cigarette between his index and middle fingers, flicking it with his thumb to shake off the small gray ash forming on the other end. “I thought I’d pick up a productive hobby like learning how to blow smoke rings instead of sitting around being pissed off,” I told him, as I watched the end of his cigarette light up red as he inhaled. He exhaled and asked, “How’s that workin’ for you?” “It’s not,” I sighed. “Oh?” “Yeah. Smoke rings are harder to make than I thought, and I still sit around being pissed off,” I told him, bringing the cigarette back to my lips. “Well, you’ve only been a smoker for 45 minutes. I’d give it some time,” he laughed. “First you gotta pack it,” he said, flicking away his old cigarette then reached into his pocket and pulling out his pack, and pounded the box against his other hand a few times before sliding one out and tossing the box on the ground between us. I got out my lighter and handed it to him. He lit the end, and took in a few drags, “The first ones aren’t good for smoke rings,” he said without taking the cigarette out of his mouth, letting it bounce between his lips as he talked. Then he inhaled again and held the smoke in his mouth and formed his mouth into the shape of an O. I must admit he looked silly doing this, but as soon as he puffed out smoke, and it came out in a floating ring I decided not to laugh. “Voila!” he said, handing me the cigarette. “Just try to hold the smoke in the back of your throat for a second before you push it out, and you’ve just got to keep your tongue down and out of the way, and don’t puff out too much.” I sucked inward, pulling in too much smoke which caused me to cough. Taylor laughed and patted my knee, “Easy there, Joves.” I tried again, this time inhaling less smoke, and tried to form my lips the same way that he had. I puffed out the smoke, and I thought I did it the same way that Taylor did, but the effect was much different. Instead of the graceful smoke ring, I spit out a ball of smoke, directly into Taylor’s face. “I’m so sorry!” I laughed as Taylor coughed, not expecting to be hit in the face with a cloud of smoke. Luckily, he wasn’t as uptight as I thought he was, and he laughed too. I guess I never really took the time to get to know Taylor, and just wrote him off as a diva, but now sitting out back sharing a cigarette with him, I saw him in a new light. “It’s okay, you’ll get it eventually,” he assured me when I handed the cigarette back to him. We sat next to each other, passing the cigarette back and forth until it was dead. “I bet she’s upset,” I said, pulling at a stray thread hanging off the bottom of my jeans once the cigarette was gone. “Natalie?” he asked. “Duh,” I smile. “Yeah, she’s mad I couldn’t stay with her and the kids, but mom and dad and Kate are gunna help her out. It sucks, but we can’s just cancel the rest of the tour.” “Well why did you schedule a tour around the due date?” I asked. “She’s not due until the end of September, and we’ll be done by then, but the doctor said it was too stressful for her.” I nodded, “bummer.” “Tell me about it,” he said sliding out another cigarette. “But it is kinda nice touring without the girls and kids with us. Can’t tell you the last time we got to do that.” “So Kate stayed in Okalahoma too?” I asked, holding my lighter up to his cigarette. “Mhmm,” he nodded, pulling his cigarette away from his lips and coughing. “Do your parents know what happened?” I asked, putting it back into my pocket. “For her sake I hope not,” he huffed, then offered me a hit. I shook my head and put my hands up, “I think I’ve hit my limit for today.” “Suit yourself,” he shrugged, then after a minute he spoke again, “You know, you can always tag along on the bus with us if you don’t want to be stuck with Lex,” he said nodding in the direction of the tour bus. “It’s okay,” I said, watching him blow out more smoke. It was starting to get dark, and the way the dim cigarette lit up his face gave me chills. “Taylor, we got-“ Both of our heads shot up when Zac opened the backstage door, poked his head out, and started speaking, although as soon as his eyes landed on me he stopped mid sentence. “I know, I know,” Taylor said, handing me his cigarette, and stood up. He dusted off his pants and extended his hands to me. I smiled politely and shook my head, then looked away, “I think I’m gunna stay out here a little longer.” “The offer stands,” Taylor said as he walked back into the venue, passing Zac who lingered in the doorway. “You know, those things’ll kill you,” Zac warned without any warmth in his tone. “I know,” I said flicking it to the ground, glancing back in his direction. “As long as you know,” he replied turning to go back inside. “Zac!” I said quickly before he had completely disappeared inside. He stopped and turned around to looked back at me. “I’m sorry.” “Yeah,” he muttered, hanging his head before he disappeared into the venue. I felt sick to my stomach seeing his reaction. I didn’t think that I had that much of an effect on him, but that was just stupid old me. I had to drag him down with me. What a perfect end to a perfectly sickening week. |
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