| The Royle Family Quotes Page |
| Jim: Those foreign holidays are a swizz. Them bloody travel agents are ripping every bugger off and mugs like him fall for it. There's nowt you can do abroad that you can't do here Barbara: (sarcastically) How about having a good time? Jim: Good time my arse. They spend half the time on the bloody khazi having the wild shites! |
| Jim: Right, where's me newspaper? I'm off to the khazi to try for a baby of me own! |
| Denise: Dad! Your flies are open Jim: Ah, the cage may be open but the beast is asleep Barbara: Beast my arse! |
| Jim: (about Richard Branson) You can't get as rich as he is without being as tight as a camel's arse in a sandstorm, can you? He wouldn't give you the steam off his piss, that fella! |
| Norma: (heading for the toilet) I'd like to take "The People" and "The News of The World" and, ooh, what's that free paper you get? I like looking at that Jim: Bloody hell Norma, how constipated are you? You've got half of Fleet Street under that arm! |
| Twiggy: (having just arrived for lunch) Don't worry about me Barb, I'll eat any old shite! |
| Barbara: There's too much swearing in this house. That'll be you Jim, you taught them that! Jim: My arse I did! |
| Norma: I don't mind so long as I'm back for Heartbeat. Ooh, I'm not missing that, I might as well be dead! Jim: You've been raising our hopes with that one for the last 15 years Norm |
| Barbara: How's your diet going Cheryl? Cheryl: Yeah, really good thanks Barbera. I lost four pounds Barbara: Oooh! That's good Cheryl: But I put two back on.....then another two.....I've not gained any! Barbara: Well, it's steady. Stick to it! |
| Barbara: (talking about Cheryl) She's just joined Weight-Watchers Jim: Weight-Watchers? A room full of fat arsed women being told not to shovel food into their gobs? |
| Jim: (reading the phone bill) Ninety-eight quid? It's good to talk my arse! |
| Jim: (reading one item on the phone bill) Two pound fifty! Good job she's cured her stutter! |
| Jim: (talking about the intelligence of 'Family Fortune's contestants) That Les Dennis is no better! If you put his brain in a bloody hazelnut they'd still rattle |
| Mary: That's a nice camera that Barbara Barb: Yeah, we got it from Argos.....what did we get that for Jim? Jim: For taking bloody photographs |
| Denise: (crying) I'm not getting married next Saturday! Jim: Good, that's a good few bob saved, lets get back to bed Barbara: Jim! |
| Denise: What time are we going down The Feathers? Jim: Soon as you're ready! Cheryl: I'll just nip home and make myself beautiful Jim: You're only coming for last orders then? |
| Barbara: Well, I don't care what anyone is.....whether they're gay, straight or Australian |
| Barbara: (looking in mirror) Do you know, I am looking my age! Just these last few months it's crept up on me. Mind you, it could be worse. At least I've still got my schoolgirl figure Jim: I must clean that mirror |
| Jim: (talking to Dave about Barbara's menopause) The trouble with me lad, is that I'm too bloody easy going! She walks all over me. I mean that day she works in the bakery, it can be half seven, quarter to eight before my tea is ready. But I don't say anything, I just get on with it! |
| Jim: .....and he's still got ginger bollocks Barbara: Ooh, that reminds me - I've got some oranges if somebody wants one Jim: How does your mind work? |
| (all talking about Anthony's new girlfriend) Norma: Who's Emma? Jim: I think you know her; Emma Royd Norma: Who's Emma Royd? Jim: Well, she lives up your back-passage |
| (Jim and Barbara are watching Changing Rooms) Jim: I don't believe it! Look at old nancy boy tie-dying the neighbours bloody curtains. I'm glad we don't pay our bloody television license |
| Mary: Our Cheryl was a tiny baby.....weighed just 6 pounds Jim: Who did?!! Cheryl?!!! Barbara: YES! |
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