| Name: |
Kris |
| Online Name: |
krismom |
| Country: |
Canada |
| Province: |
Ontario |
| Age: |
19 |
| Your Birthday: |
05/15/80 |
| Special Talents: |
I'm a great mommy, and good at organizing
(you gotta be with this lifestyle!) |
| Hobbies: |
Working on my webpages, scrapbooking, reading. | >
>
| Where do you work? |
Full-time university student |
| Were you working when you became pregnant?
If yes, doing what? |
I was just finishing up high school. |
| Are you in school? |
Yep! See above! :) |
| If you've graduated, what is your degree? |
Graduating in 2002 |
| How old were you when you had your first
child? |
18 |
| Did you keep? abort? give up for adoption?: |
Kept her! |
| Was it the first time you had sex? |
Nope. |
| Were you and the father a couple? |
Not really at that point, no. But we had
been dating off and on for over a year when I got pregnant. |
| Are you still together? |
No way! |
| If you're not together, is the father involved?
How is he involved? |
He's halfway between being a good dad and
being a deadbeat dad, which sucks because I'd actually rather
he pick one role and stick with it! He lives in town for HALF
the year, and when he's in town, he wants to "be involved"
and thinks he's all that, and gets away from having the rep of
a bad daddy, and everyone thinks he's so great to be "helping
out", but when he doesn't want to be involved, he just takes
off. He wasn't there when she was born and only came to see her
a few times- left me with all the crappy diapers and dealing
with a screaminng, colicky newborn, and then STARTED being involved
when she was 9 months old and getting really cute! Can you tell
I'm bitter??? |
| Were you using protection against pregnancy?
If yes, what kind? |
I was on the pill until 2 weeks before
I got pregnant!!! I got off it because my ex and I got into a
huge fight, and I never wanted to see him again! But then, 2
weeks later, I went over to yell at him (out of town- I was visiting
his university because I was supposed to go there) and he all
apologized and stopped acting like a jerk, but then of course
didn't have any protection handy! So we used the "pull-out"
method- and I stayed in control, making sure he did it. Not a
very smart method to use, I know, but I wasn't very concerned
with becoming pregnant because I'd *just* gotten off the BCP,
and it had screwed up my cycle!!! Anyway, we then bought and
tried to use condoms, but they didn't really work well since
we'd already had sex a couple times (crazy, I know, but I hadn't
seen him in 2 months, and wasn't going to see him again for another
2!!!) so we went back to using the pull-out method, because he'd
proven to me that he had the will power to do it! Well, since
he'd already proven this to me, and was being really good at
pulling out, I mistakenly let go of 100% of the control and "OOPS!"
There's a lesson for you- no matter how good a guy is doing at
pull-out method while under your control, all that fake willpower
vanishes if you relinquish any of that control, girls! YOU have
to be the one enforcing it, because even if you think they're
going to do it, remember that they're ***holes and they just
don't care, and they're too lazy to bother pulling out if you
don't pull off, because they don't have to live up to the consequences!!!
Anyway, the last time we had sex, he didn't pull out like he
promised he would, and I had decided not to take 100% control
of enforcing that so, I got pregnant. But I was very worried
about having had unprotected sex, so I took the morning after
pill. It was during the 72 hour period that you have to take
it in, the doctors told me it would work, and it was probably
around 90-92% effective at the point where I took it, so my daughter
snuck through that 8% margin!!! |
| If not, was it because you were trying
to get pregnant? Please explain: |
Definitely didn't want to get pregnant! |
| Did you know how you would support the
baby? Support yourself? |
No, I was terrified that I wouldn't be
able to support her, or myself, especially when I got kicked
out of the house when I was 4 months pregnant. |
| Were you using protection against STDs? |
No, I had only been with one guy, and he
had only been with me. I'd been using the BCP for almost our
entire relationship. |
| How many children do you have? |
Just 1. |
| What are their names, ages, birthdays? |
Harmony was born Nov. 27th, 1998 |
| Was the pregnancy emotionally difficult? |
Yes, very. Harmony's dad was extremely
wishy-washy. At first he tried to convince me to get an abortion
(he even played little mind games to try to get me to do so!!!)
but I think I knew right from the beginning that I just couldn't
kill my baby. I'm very pro-choice, and I think that in many cases,
an abortion is the best choice for a woman, especially if she
is extremely young, living in bad circumstances, has addiction
problems, and/or was raped, but I personally didn't feel there
was any option. I knew that if I'd decided to kill that baby,
I would have had to have killed myself after, because I knew
I wouldn't be able to live with myself for the rest of my life
with thinking about that baby and what she would have been like,
etc. Even with adoption, I knew I couldn't do it, because the
same questions would plague me for my entire life, where she
was, what she was doing, what would it have been like to be her
mommy. I knew emotionally, those options would have made me fall
apart psychologically and would have ruined my life. Once I knew
that there was a tiny life living inside of me, and that she
had beaten incredible odds to be there, I knew I was meant to
be her mommy. As for the rest of the pregnancy, I had started
dating a very nice man before I found out I was pregnant, and
when I told him about it, he was ready to be her father, and
live with me, and take care of both of us. Then Harmony's father
came back on the scene, begged me to forgive him for telling
me to get an abortion, made all sorts of promises (that of course
he didn't keep!) and then made me break up with the man that
was going to be Harmony's "pseudo" father to give him
another chance. Looking back, I know why I did give him another
chance. I genuinely believed that he would stop being a jerk,
that he would follow through with all those promises, and I just
was in love with the idea of having a "normal" family.
I thought Harmony's dad and I would get married, and have more
children together eventually, he made me believe all those things
would happen. Then months later, he turned on me again, told
me he didn't even want to be there to see our baby born, that
he didn't want to even admit that he was her father on the birth
certificate, and that he didn't want to come live with me in
January like he promised her would. I was absolutely heartbroken,
and that was all only a couple weeks before I went into labor! |
| Was the pregnancy physically difficult?
i.e. were there any medical problems? |
The pregnancy went ok physically, I guess,
despite all the emotional problems I was having! I had lots of
morning sickness in my first trimester, and some back problems,
and of course all the usual aches and pains! Oh, I did have some
severe abdominal pain though, felt like a knife in my side, I
had to go to the hospital a few times, but they determined it
was probably only because of air bubbles/pockets getting caught
because of having no space... |
| What was/is the most difficult experience
as a young mother? |
Doing it all alone is the worst, and just
not having the resources drives you insane! When you need a break,
there's just no one there!!! All the baby advice books tell you
"When you get stressed out, your baby can sense that, so
you should pass them over to your husband to get them calmed
down" and it's like, well, I don't have a husband and there's
no one around to help me!!! One time I was on the phone with
Harmony's dad and she was like, 2 months old and screaming her
head off, and I was like "Ok, honey, your bottle's coming
ok!!!" trying to be calm, and he was like "Don't talk
all high-pitched! Your making her more upset!" and it's
like "Well, ***hole, maybe if you were here to comfort her
while I was getting a bottle ready, she wouldn't be upset at
all!!!" People just don't understand how tough it is to
be the only one in charge, at all times. Sometimes I'd just like
it if someone was there to play with her while I cooked supper,
or better yet, let ME play with her while THEY cooked supper!
That's what daddies or partners are supposed to be for, but if
they take off on you, you're stuck! |
| Was your family helpful/supportive? |
My parents live in Nepal, but one of my
grandmothers is a very good cook and has us over, so that's good.
One of my aunts was helping while I was pregnant, and a little
while the baby was a newborn, but no, I don't see many people
in my family often. |
| Did you stay at home with your parents? |
Nope, like I said, I got kicked out when
I was 4 months pregnant, only a month after my mother had begged
me to come home (I'd been living with my aunt and uncle) after
she first found out I was pregnant. |
| Did your family help support you? The baby?
Emotionally, financially, or both? |
My dad ended up supporting me a lot, especially
when I was pregnant. I couldn't go on social assistance while
I was pregnant, because they would just count me as though I
was "single"!!! Only $300 for rent meant I would have
ended up in a small bachelor apartment, and of course most leases
are for a year so the baby and I would have been stuck there
for a while after she was born, and then we would have had to
have moved while she was small, so my dad paid the rent for a
2 bedroom until the baby was born and I could get (almost) enough
money to pay the rent, now that there was two of us for the government
to count. |
| Do they support you now? Emotionally, financially,
or both? |
Dad still lends me money when I need it,
I think to make up for the fact that he's so far away. He feels
bad that he lives all the way on the other side of the world,
and can't help me with the things I really need, like babysitting!!! |
| Did/do you need public assistance? How
did/does that make you feel? |
I was on social assistance from the time
the baby was born until I went to university and got a student
loan (so for 9 months) and I hated it. They don't give you enough
money to live on, and it makes you feel like a horrible person,
like you feel guilty for not being able to just do it yourself.
And yet you can't really work, cause you wouldn't be able to
afford child care, and you really wouldn't want to leave them
at child care that young anyway. |
| Was the father's family involved with the
pregnancy? Emotionally, financially, or both? |
His parents have really come a long way.
When I was about 2 months pregnant, his mother made this plan
that she was going to tell me that she was taking me out to lunch,
but she was really going to kidnap me and take me to an abortion
clinic "just to see"! She showed up at our house one
day unannounced, and I had to go inside and pretend to be sick,
because she wouldn't leave. Then when she was a baby, they insisted
that a paternity test be done, even though I knew 100% he was
the father, and he even told them he was the father! But now
they take care of the baby when I'm sick, and take her on a regular
basis too. He lives with them when he is in town, so I guess
it's good they still take her, to keep her in that schedule all
year instead of just every 4 months. |
| Did the father's family help support you?
Emotionally, financially, or both? |
No, not really. Now they help out by taking
the baby, but they don't really help in other ways. |
| Does the child have a relationship with
the paternal Grandparents? |
Yes, see above two questions... |
| Do you feel accepted by people your age? |
Nope. I think they're immature because
all they care about is themselves, sleeping, eating, and of course
drinking and partying, and they whine about life being sooo hard
when they still live at home and their parents do their freakin'
laundry! |
| Do you feel like you have it harder than
people your own age without children? |
Definitely! I'm in charge of an entire
household, and the life of one very precious person! I have to
take care her, PLUS make sure she is getting all the stimulation,
etc, she needs to grow and be a great kid, and I have to clean
the house, and pay the bills, and deal with all that stuff. Most
of my ex-friends from high school just have no idea! A lot of
them go to university now like me, and some of them drop courses
just because they're "boring" or they "just can't
handle a full course load!" meanwhile, they live at home
and have everything done for them! The only reason they can't
handle a full course load is cause they waste time partying,
etc. I've become really distant from my old friends, because
they just complain about the stupidest things, and it just seems
so self-centered! |
| Are you happy with the decisions you have
made? (Be honest. . .it's ok to feel bad, we all do sometimes) |
Actually the only things I would change
are in relation to Harmony's father, but nothing else. I wish
I'd stayed with the other man that I'd been dating that was willing
to be Harmony's father, and not trusted my ex. As for the pregnancy,
well, I wish I hadn't trusted Harmony's dad to be in charge of
our birth control, because in hindsight, that was a bad choice.
You should never allow guys to be in charge of the birth control,
because they don't care, they can screw it up and get away with
it (case in point!). But I'm not sorry that I didn't get an abortion,
and I'm not sorry I didn't give my baby up for adoption. I think
if I had done either of those things, I would either be a fragile,
distraught, emotionally traumatized shell of my former self,
or I would be dead from having committed suicide from the burden
of it all. I can't understand those women that just go and have
abortion after abortion, that use it as birth control. That stuff
just makes me sick. |
| What are your personal goals? (goals for
yourself as an individual not as a mother) |
I'm going to graduate university in two
years, maybe a little more, with flying colors! :) I intend to
find a partner that isn't going to make false promises, that
isn't going to be afraid of commitment, and that is going to
love me and Harmony and our future children with all their heart.
I plan on having more children, for sure- I would like to have
3 more children, if possible, and won't settle for any less than
1 more child, no matter how I have to make that happen. I'm hoping
that one day in the future, I'll be a successfully business-woman,
working from the home part-time while I raise my four children,
and spend lots of time with them. I want to travel a little eventually,
but that can wait until all the kids are out of the house, and
my partner and I have retired. I want to be finished having all
my children by the time I'm 30, so I think I'll only be 50 when
the last one leaves our "nest", that's plenty of time
for traveling! The way I see it, yes, I did miss out on a lot
of things by having a child early, but I can make up for that
after the kids are grown, because there'll be plenty of time,
we'll have more money, etc! Seems like a good plan to me. :) |
| Have your goals changed since you became
a parent? |
Definitely. I was only planning on *starting*
my family at 25 or 26, when I was finished school, settled into
a job with maternity leave, and married (or with a common-law
partner). Now that I already have one, there's more pressure
to have a second sometime in the near future. I don't want my
first to be like, 10 or 12 when my second is born!!! Ideally,
I'd love to have everything in my life steady and stable and
ready to be pregnant again by 2002, but I know that I'll put
that date off if things aren't right. This time around, I want
to have the resources there- there's no way I'm doing it alone
again, and I would like to have a house, a car, etc! I suspect
my next pregnancy and raising the next little baby will be a
lot easier. |
| Do you feel that reaching your goals will
be more difficult now that your a teen parent? |
It's hard to say, because you don't know,
you know? I suspect I'm in for a more challenging road that I
would have otherwise been, but since there's no way of really
being able to tell that it would have been easier to do it all
without the baby, I'll just deal with each challenge that comes
along as best I can! I've rearranged my goals as a result of
being a young parent, but I think they're still very achievable. |
| What would you tell a (school age) 12-18
year old girl that wanted to get pregnant? |
That WANTED to get pregnant??? I would
tell her to think again!!! Babies may look cute and cuddly, but
in real life, there's a lot more to deal with! In my opinion,
I don't think anyone that age should be planning on having a
baby, that's just ridiculous! Wait until you have a steady partner,
an a stable life. A good job, lots of support, and the maturity
to be a parent. Also, don't be fooled into thinking that babysitting
for a weekend is going to give you enough experience to know
what it would be like to be a parent, even babysitting for a
YEAR wouldn't be the same, because at the end of the day, you
get to give them back. Any baby you see will always be happier
than your baby will be, because babies are always most grumpiest
for their own parents. When you're stuck at home, rocking a screaming
newborn, don't wonder why they're not like that adorably chubby
9 month old you saw at the mall today! I definitely didn't want
to be pregnant at 18, because that is just an enormous undertaking.
You have to grow up so fast, and sacrifice so much. You have
plenty of time in your life to get pregnant!!! A whole 30 years
ahead of you in fact and baby-having time! So why not wait until
your life is more ready, even if you think that you are? |
| How do you think being a Young Mother has
changed you? |
I've always been very mature for my age,
even as a child, but being a mother has made me grown up sooo
fast!Now that I'm in university, I can't stand all those "kids"
that waste their time going out drinking and just sitting around
partying and stuff, even though I know that if I'd gone to university
without getting pregnant, I might be doing the same! It makes
you think quicker, be more on your toes, but it also makes you
much more exhausted at the end of the day! Mothers are very good
at "running on empty" I definitely know that one for
sure- I "run on empty" on a regular basis, without
any time to recharge in between. And my circumstances have made
me a much more angry, bitter person, not so much because of being
a mother, just because of the crappy way in which I've been treated
by her father. He's emotionally traumatized me, and continued
to play mind games, and be an absolute jerk, and my relationship
with my daughter suffers as a consequence. |
| How do you think society looks upon teen
pregnancy? |
Ugh, don't ever get me started! I hate
the fact that society thinks that teen mothers are teen mothers
because they've been promiscuous, or because they weren't safe!
My kid was a "morning after baby" (baby conceived despite
taking the morning after pill) and her father was the only person
I'd slept with ever! I know other women that have gotten pregnant
despite being on the birth control pill, or despite using condoms,
and women that got pregnant while with their "fiance"
that left them, or common-law husband, or even their husband
that left them and divorced them! Yes, some girls do get pregnant
from sleeping around and regularly not having safe sex. But there
are also many of us who didn't want to get pregnant in the first
place, that chance just caught. Unless you're going to try to
go around telling every 13,14, even up to 25! year old not to
have sex at all (which I think would be a useful thing to say
if society weren't totally pushing sex at us every 5 seconds
through media and sub-culture!) |
| Why do you think there are so many teen
parents? |
I think that telling ALL teens not to have
sex until they're married is unrealistic, especially now that
many people aren't getting married until they are 25 or even
older!!! Society and media just wont shut up about sex, and then
of course our bodies are telling us we're biologically ready
for sex (even if we're not emotionally ready for a baby!) So
if you can't tell teens not to have sex at all, you can at least
tell them to have safe sex right? Well, even so, many schools
don't teach safe sex, or don't teach it properly, namely, many
schools in the religious school boards that don't talk to kids
about sex at ALL. And then even the kids who want to practice
safe sex, often can't because they're afraid of being caught
by their parents (believe it or not, there are parents out there
who find their daughter's birth control pills, throw them in
the garbage can after yelling at her, and then wonder why she's
pregnant the next month!). And then, moving up the ladder, even
the teens who practice safe sex often fall into that % margin
that exists for all types of birth control and end up getting
pregnant anyway!!! I think the BEST solution to this would be
teaching your children that waiting to get married to have sex
is the BEST option, but that if they can't, then birth control
is an absolute must. Parents should also provide access to birth
control, educate about the most effective kinds, and the importance
of always always using it and they should also teach teens ways
to deal with their sexual frustration (maybe if parents were
less squeamish about masturbation, and mutual masturbation between
couples, a lot of teens could refrain from intercourse!) My opinion
may be "out there" to some people, but seriously, think
about it! And also maybe turn off those televisions where almost
every single act of unprotected intercourse goes without consequences!!! |
| List 5 Pro's to being a teen Mother? |
1)Your first kid will be out of the house
while you're still in your 30s! 2)You can be more fun with your
kids, more silly, get down there and play with them like they
need! 3)You wont ever have to adjust your married life (or adult
lifestyle, or house or furniture!) to having children in the
house. 4)Your kids will have younger, more energetic grandparents!
5)When you find a partner, you will quickly weed out the ones
that would turn out to be bad parents! |
| List 5 Con's to being a teen Mother?: |
1)There's no one around to help you! 2)Your
kid's dad often takes off, and they have a weird relationship
with them. 3)You often don't have a house, or a car, which makes
things a lot more difficult! And not having a backyard sucks...
4)Society looks down on you, and labels you unfairly. 5)You don't
have any time!!! :( |
| What do you expect to get out of being
a member of Young Mothers?: |
I don't know, but it was neat to be able
to express my views here! :) |
| Today's Date: |
4/8/2000 |