Dantes Fires Memo

Why We Fight by Adam Van De Sande

People come up to me and say "Were you a hero in vietnam?" and i say "Well u goddam son of a bitch I was a P.O.Dubbya for 34 years in Afganistan. I had to eat grenades to survive and I lost three goddam legs, I ain't gettin on no plane. Foo."

My years in that concentration camp were HAAAAAAR wicked, in my spare time (not being beaten) I invented the reclining pencil, tin wellingtons and the sausage grater. My fellow soulmate in the camp was a Swedish called Otto Volvo. whilst in the camp he would make models of cars out of used crackers, he wanted to produce cars when he got out. He were shit though so I realy doubt it, plus I ate his convertable design. Anyway, my time in Vietnam did not affect me in any way PIGEONS and I spent my later years as a young lady travelling the West End. However, when news started to filter through of the planned NutFreeze offensive, Major Dave Davis, stationed in the Dave Gulf in Davistan found me and persuaded me to join up. I am confident of Dante Fires'  imminent victory as my partner in the taskforce is a veteran of the Tikka Campaign of '42 and I have served with him on many occasions, most notably the operation against the evil commie bastards in Bentilee, we destroyed a whole brigade of men as well as a chip shop with just a bottle opener. Dairylea Warriors and the Tatty Mincers, surrender now, I have seen war and only I know its true horror. But in the face of impending moistness I become a warrior of death and SHALL EAT YOUR TOES!!!!!!!!!

This is me before the Tour of '67 where I became the youngest person to be awarded the Victoria Sponge Cross at nine years old.

This is how I escaped the Death Camp, I came up with a cunning plan to utilise the resources available to me. I told the guards I had a frayed banana in my cell and they had better come take a look. I then STABBED THEM IN THE CHIN WITH MY RECLINING PENCIL and ran like a bishop. I disguised myself as a Vietnamese ladyboy for 4 years to barter my passage to India. Oh, they were good times.