In our opinion, the best of the ones there, and the best of the ones that are not there.
If you've sent Dave something interesting, feel free to e-mail us a copy, and we just might post it here in case he doesn't respond.
*****
From: Cartman
Visit time: 14/12/2006 5:24 PM
Dude, do you have sand in your vagina? Is it itchy? Is that why you're so cranky?
*****
From: Rock on!
Visit time: 7/12/2006 1:57 PM
Hey Davey me lad, love the show, don't know where you find all these lunatics .. .... and why do they call you anyway? do you have some sort of special lunatic-attracting sauce, because that would be awesome!!! ... Anyway, me and me mates aborad the good ship Fucked forever would like to wish you and your nutcases all manner of yuletide bliss. May all your first children be masculine children and may you never wake up with your breath smelling of cock!
*****
From: The man with no dick and only one eye
Visit time: 25/11/2006 12:15 AM
Love your music!
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 19/11/2006 1:56 AM
Someone gave me free condoms.
*****
From: Mel
Visit time: 18/11/2006 8:57 PM
Hey, I went to Ireland yesterday.
Irish men have big cocks!
*****
From: Mikey
Visit time: 18/11/2006 1:24 AM
Flipping what?!?! When the hell did you move to Saturday night? And who the hell have I been listening to on Sundays?
*****
From: Great time for fat loss!
Visit time: 27/09/2006 7:16 AM
Do you want to maintain a healthy lifestyle and lose weight but not quite sure how?
Come along to a free seminar at our building at 42 Russell Street, Melbourne, Victoria 3000.
We respect man and believe he is worthy of help.
We respect you and believe you, too, can help.
Find out how Dianetics can make a difference to your life today!
*****
Some SMS messages:
-- SMS: "Cuddle me." Dave writes back: "Only if you keep your pants on."
-- SMS: "Dear Ross, if you play some Rammstein I'll blow my load." Dave writes back: "Get ready then."
*****
From: Sam
Visit time: 27/09/2006 6:06 AM
dear Mr David Callan
I was listening to you the other day
*****
From: Dave Callan
Visit time: 26/09/2006 6:12 AM
Woohoo! I'm Dave Callan. Hahaha! Look at me! I'm Dave Callan. Muahahaha! Your mum says blah blah blah Steph from Tamworth blah blah blah citizenship Chuck Norris blah blah and here's my cock.
*****
From: Gazza
Visit time: 25/09/2006 4:47 PM
Hey Dave, sorry, but I've got a complaint about the show. Every time the "get ready for this Saturday
night" music comes on, I pull down my pants and start fapping, but then nothing happens...
I mean, I can hear your voice on the radio and everything, but you need to follow through with a bit more
than just that. Have you still got my address?
*****
From: Stevie
Visit time: 22/09/2006 5:41 PM
Hey man, I know you feel "groovy" when you lay your guilt trip on me, but I got news for you: keep your laws off my genitals, keep your wowserism out of my life. I don't need it. When I'm with a woman, I'm feeling good, and she's feeling good, and whose business is that? No one's! Apart from ours. So I don't need you to tell me who I can and can't do. I just want to live life like I want to live life. You only get one shot at it, and you've got to get off like a god while you've got a chance. So fuck you, Dr Feel Bad. Freedom, love and no chains on sex. Peace out.
*****
From: Grover
Visit time: 22/09/2006 12:55 PM
I'm GROVER!
Some people think my eyes are too googly and my skin is real funny looking and my arms are too gangly and there are sticks holding them up.
But I'm GROVER!
And I'm me.
I want to bite you on the bum.
*****
From: Maurice
Visit time: 21/09/2006 2:01 PM
Some people call me a space carnie.
Some people call me the gangster of love.
Bring your sweet ass here baby. I've got all the juicy lovin' you need.
*****
From: Carnie singalong
Visit time: 20/09/2006 2:06 PM
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear King-of-the-Carnies-with-the-hot-mum-and-the-flipping-huge-guns.
Happy birthday to you.
Don't forget to ask Dracula's for the free ticket they promised earlier this year.
*****
From: Confidential
Visit time: 17/09/2006 6:53 AM
Dear Mr Callan,
Thank you for expressing interest in our combination gluteus minimization and mammory enhancement service. Please avoid ingesting any legumes 24 hours prior to surgery.
In reply to your query: While we would be happy to provide a package deal on your partner Brokeback Bill's prostate enlargement, we regret to inform you that, in the circumstances, any increase in size may cause balance difficulties.
Faithfully,
Dr J Patel
*****
From: Suzie Q
Visit time: 17/09/2006 3:21 AM
Hey Dave, what's that song?
*****
From: Gazza
Visit time: 16/09/2006 7:01 AM
I've always wondered what it would sound like if your mum was Elvis Presley.
*****
From: Mr Tasmania
Visit time: 12/09/2006 8:14 AM
I was fucking my sister the other day and she says "holy shit you're heavy just like dad". I told her mom said the same thing.
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 3/09/2006 4:56 PM
Sometimes people say I'm Dave Callan.
But I'm not!
*****
From: Jane
Visit time: 30/08/2006 7:15 PM
Dave, you're such a hunk of masculinity, with such proud buttocks.
I'd like to gag you, blindfold you, tie your arms behind your back, kneel you down, and grind your face into my crutch.
Everyone needs to give up control now and then. I know you want to taste my whip.
Call me, slave.
*****
From: Crazy F
Visit time: 18/08/2006 12:46
Dear Mr Calhoun,
Multiple choice question. Which song that hasn't been played for a while needs to be played tomorrow night? Is the answer:
(a) Johnny Cash - cover of NIN's "Hurt".
(b) Dreadful shadows - cover of Tanita Tikaram's "Twist in my sobriety".
(c) Radiohead - "I want none of it".
(d) Sisters of mercy - cover of Stones' "Gimme shelter".
(e) Dave Callan - cover of Barry Manilow's "Mandy".
(f) None of the above.
If you chose "f", you lose.
*****
From: Gary
Visit time: 11/08/2006 12:35
Hello David. When I spoke to you last week, I was only using one hand.
*****
From: An angry drunk Jew
Visit time: 8/08/2006 6:15
Fucking Mel Gibson... Mel Gibson is responsible for all the shitty movies in the world.
Are you Mel Gibson?
*****
From: BB
Visit time: 7/08/2006 2:07
If you play Wolfmother on Saturday, I'll suck your cock.
Bill
*****
From: Gazza
Visit time: 5/08/2006 9:01 AM
Hey dude, I did like you said, and I'm now as bare as a baby's bottom down there! Woohoo! So smooth and clean!
Moderator comment: The next step is to paint it fluoro green and wave it around at raves.
*****
From: Mr Bean
Visit time: 4/08/2006 3:58 PM
After having to endure 2 weeks of shitty rave/techno crap when I was expecting to hear a cleverly witty Dave Callen on a Saturday Night, I decide to give up and just assume the show was cancelled for some stupid reason...
The fact these guestbooks don't look to have been updated in well over a month or two further adds fear to me thinking that Saturday Night with Dave Callen has been axed. Please tell me your just on a holiday and will be back soon. I may have missed something so I have no idea whats going on
All I know is that without Dave Callen being on radio on a Saturday Night... Whats even the point in listening to a radio?
I hope you return soon and bring back a tirade of toilet humour with you.
Mr Bean, on behalf of ZomBEAN
Moderator comment: Dear Mr. Bean,
I have been on holiday. Now I am back and still getting through all these mentalist messages.
Lots of Poops and wee,
David
*****
From: davecarniecallan
Visit time: 05 Aug 2006 6:07:12pm
Subject: Saturday night with Dave Callan (5 August 2006)
How are you Monsieur Bagement on this fine Saturday evening?
*****
From: Big Jugs
Visit time: 1/08/2006 5:31 PM
Dave I know you smoke pot dont try to deny it.
You r so wierd i know you were abused by your parents when you were a child. Why does it always happen to radio presenters? Get lost Elvis boy, Elvis actually lives up my arse so all of you get high on that!!!! Dave your mum fell down the stairs when she was pregnant with you so thats why you like small things, including cocks.
Sincerely, Big Jugs
Moderator comment: Dear Big,
You have one the competition, the one to make me amused and annoyed at the exact same time.
*****
From: Shane W
Visit time: 29/07/2006 5:49
Hi baby. I've been very excited by the SMS messages you've been sending me.
I should be in Melbourne pretty soon. Would love to give you private demo of some tricky bowling.
Feel free to bring a friend or two, but, please, no cameras.
Moderator comment: Is 'tricky bowling' code talk for more rudeness?
If so, darn right about the cameras.
*****
From: Gastric
Visit time: 29/07/2006 4:29 AM
Do carnies drive Camries, or is it just me?
Moderator comment: Dear Gastric,
A surprising number actually do.
Most however can be found shouting on public transport.
*****
From: Plastic Box
Visit time: 25/07/2006 8:35 PM
I'm gonna put a geocache in your backyard so that carnies will walk past your bathroom window while you're having a shower.
Moderator comment: Is 'put a geocache in your backyard' code talk for doing rude things in my bottom?
*****
From: Mr C Norris
Visit time: 25/07/2006 8:05 AM
Excuse me little man. Did you say I was Don Cheadle, Gnarls Barkley, or perhaps Bootsie Collins?
I think you're cruising for a roundhouse to the head.
Moderator comment: Lord Vice Chancellor Norris, I certainly did not mean any disrespect, I merely mentioned that you were more talented and musical than all of these men put together and could probably roundhouse kick them all onto the moon with very little effort your worship.
*****
From: Zebronkey
Visit time: 23/07/2006 12:14 PM
i think u should play exquisite corpse on the radio take 5 secong calls and make a terrifyingly brilliant story. that four seconds woman can supply the title
Moderator comment: I think you should have a weird name and use little or no punctuation
*****
From: Paul
Visit time: 22/07/2006 8:12 PM
Dave, we miss you like crazy. We live in Switzerland and wake up to your crazy show and seriously eclectic musical tastes on Saturday mornings (our time) ... but now we have no hangover cures anymore - you have been replaced by a music show. Now my girlfriend just wants to cuddle - HELP !!!
Moderator comment: I prepared to cuddle you if you are perpared to open up a swiss bank account for me.
*****
From: Vince
Visit time: 21/07/2006 9:18
Hey Johnny boy, could you pick up some canoli on your way to the fruitshop?
Moderator comment: No
*****
From: Boondie
Visit time: 17/07/2006 12:57 PM
hi Dave,
What was that song that was played last saturday night (15th July) at around 830pm?
It was an old song i do believe and i was surprised, but delighted to hear it on triple J.
is there anywhere i can find the playlist for the slot?
Moderator comment: You could check the triple j website for archived playlists.
OR YOU COULD SUCK MY BUTT
SORRY< DIDN"T MEAN TO BE RUDE THERE>
*****
From: J-Dog
Visit time: 7/07/2006 5:52 PM
Greetings David, as the times I review my sonnet climbs ever higher, doubt begins to creep into my mind. Perhaps I am too fastidious, whatever the case, my thoughts are that it is not worthy of 'air time'. I have therefore reached the decision that I shall display it here, in the guestbook.
The hours drift by as I dream of Dave,
For him once a week is surely too few.
When Saturday comes I get what I crave,
Then it is over, it is too soon through.
Oh David, you are surely much too fine
To be besotted by your caller's mums.
How is it Dave that I could make you mine?
What if I told you I was my mum's son?
I want you Dave and I want you right now,
You can ride my chocolate speedway all night.
In my alley you can park your snow plow,
And in my sky you can fly your white kite.
I love you Dave and I think we all do,
My world, my life, is nothing without you.
Moderator comment: Greetings mr Dog.
Do you actually have a chocolate speedway? If so I am very interested in riding it all night. Unless you're being metaphoric about your bottom in which case I may have to pass.
Also, do let me know the measurements of your alley as my snow plow may not fit in it so its best to find out before hand.
*****
From: What the hell?
Visit time: 7/07/2006 12:45 AM
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/strange/news-article.aspx?storyid=59850
Moderator comment: I agree.
*****
From: Chris
Visit time: 7/07/2006 12:38 AM
Hi Dave!
Your show is hillarious! It's one of the few things that consistantly has me chuckling away every week for 3 hours.
Keep it up Home Dawggg
Chris
Moderator comment: Don't make me do my poo poos on you
*****
From: Sammy CC
Visit time: 6/07/2006 3:51
Why hello Mr Strapokopolous. We're not absolutely sure that the following story is about you, but it
would explain why you've been missing.
>A lollipop lady stopped a maniac
>from driving off in a car with two
>children in the back. Jenny Thairs
>spotted the half-naked man getting
>into the vehicle outside a school in
>Woodside, England, and threw her
>lollipop stick in the road, screaming
>for help. Thanks to her the man
>was stopped from driving away.
>Police arrested the man but he
>escaped this time handcuffed and
>completely naked and tried to get
>on a bus, metres from the school
>gates.
Moderator comment: Thanks for telling the world that I disguise myself as a lollipop lady to stop crime.
Now I have to find another flipping disguise.
*****
From: vampires
Visit time: 4/07/2006 10:09
Do you know what would be really cool?!?! if you could have werevampires, like werewolfs they are not in that form all the time, but unlike werewolfs they turn into vampires at night instead of just at fullmoon!! and in the day when they are not vampires they have nothing the same as vampires so they do not need blood and are not killed by sunlight!! Don't you think that would be awsome, if i could i would be a werevampire.
Moderator comment: Yes, you could live a normal day hanging out and sunbathing then all the other vampires would be jealous because you are not only deadly, but tanned.
You could also drink regular things like fantas and not be restricted to blood.
I would be a were carnie, and at 6pm on a Saturday I would suddenly become slightly unusual and say weird things and be somewhat munted.
*****
From: The Cockmonster
Visit time: 3/07/2006 6:15
Hello David. I'm the Cockmonster. Here's a picture of me:
http://www.pud.com/askpud/images/cocksuit.jpg
Your obedient servant,
The Cockmonster
Moderator comment: YUK.
You're gross man. If you're my obedient servant then your new orders are 1. Stop making me sick. 2. wrealise that cocks are only good in moderation.
*****
From: Harry Potter
Visit time: 3/07/2006 7:07
No smoking in Irish pubs? That's horseshit Callan! I've smoked in plenty of Irish pubs.
Why do you lie like that? Why do you like deceiving people?
Moderator comment: Dear Harry,
YOU CAN"T SMOKE IN THEM NOW BITCH. Don't make me get mah Chuck Norris on.
*****
From: Florence
Visit time: 2/07/2006 3:46
Dave, having a smoking section in a pub is like having a peeing section in a pool.
Moderator comment: Yeah, or a poo poos section in your face
*****
From: Wearing black for Australia's shattered dreams
Visit time: 27/06/2006 4:47
Hey Callan, you always bag out sport.
Is it because you're a fat ass?
And are you honestly telling us that you weren't excited over the World Cup?
Moderator comment: I am not a fat ass, my ass is hotness.
I only like three sports:
1. Karateing people in the lungs for an noying me
2. Tiddlywinks
3. Getting my ass kicked by Chuck Norris in the nude
*****
From: roger rogered the rabbit
Visit time: 26/06/2006 8:50
hey dave,
can u stop sending me those pics of u in your underwear?
im trying to work and your distracting me. send them later
thanks love
Moderator comment: You'll look at them now and be thankful bitch
*****
From: Harry Potter
Visit time: 25/06/2006 6:30
I read through the whole Bible. Nowhere does it say that you can't shove plastic up your butt.
So what's your motherfucking problem?
Moderator comment: In one of St. Pauls Letters to the Corinthians it mentions that you can do it but it will cause problems later in life.
*****
From: John Johnson
Visit time: 25/06/2006 1:54
Your mum likes cock rock o'clock.
Moderator comment: Not as much as Chuck Norris
*****
From: steph
Visit time: 24/06/2006 9:48
why is it that only girls wanna marry me?
now thats off my chest dave i have some more emo jokes for you
1. what the difference between punk and emo?
punks will say i fliped your mum deal with it and an emo will say i flippes your mum y hasnt she called me back
2. whats the differece between emo grass and regular grass? emo grass cuts itself
have fun and keep it classy australia
ps me and emma broke up its wasnt me it was her
Moderator comment: I don't know beyotch why do only weirdos want to talk to me?
I bet you end up marrying an emo for making so much fun of them.
*****
From: Mike
Visit time: 24/06/2006 9:25
Dear Dave,
Have you ever considered having children? It'd be quite funny watching you make "Your mum" jokes to your new-born child. It'd be awesome if they were as hairy as you, but the hairy-gene might skip a generation. So to ensure hairy-ness, I reckon you should get it on with a bearded-lady from a freak show. By the way, my mum doesn't have a beard, so don't even think about it.
PS: Oh, I like Lady Ping Pong more than Steph from Tamworth, so I believe it’s:
Lady Ping Pong: 1
Steph from Tamworth: 247
Someone should punch them both in the James Blunt’s for arguing over trivial things.
PPS: Gina says “Hi”, you don’t even know her, but she said “Hi.”
PPPS: Gina likes Lady Ping Pong too. Quick recount.
Lady Ping Pong: 2
Steph from Tamworth: 247.
Gina also commented “Steph is a preppy flipper! And Lady Ping Pong is cute when she's mad.” Don’t have a clue what a “Preppy flipper” is, but Gina is from the USA, damn them and their confusing words.
Moderator comment: Dear Mr. Weasel,
I have considered having childeren, but a swift karate strike from Chuck Norris has seen the end of those plans. Maybe I should have had childeren with him to ensure the hairy gene continued. Imagine the kick ass paddlepop lions we would breed together.
Anyway. Preppy flipper makes no sense to me neither but Hi Gina.
I went to America and gosh it was beaut. They like to eat a lot there then set off fireworks to Bruce Springsteen.
*****
From: Those are my nuts smiling at you
Visit time: 24/06/2006 7:29
Hey bungey did you get that text msg from us boys at Chinchilla which featured my testicles on the phone?
LOADS o' love,
My Happy Nuts
Moderator comment: Dear Happy Nuts,
No, thankfully I did not get that.
*****
From: Possible way to make Dave go "wtf??"
Visit time: 24/06/2006 6:42
Presenter: You might know him from Rove Live or Triple J. He's Irish, he's bearded, and he loves your mum. Put your hands together for Mr David Callan.
Audience applauds. Dave walks on stage.
Dave: People always think it's funny when I say "trousers"...
Heckler: Hey Dave, where's Steph from Tamworth?
Dave: Um. I don't know. Probably in Tamworth.
Audience laughs.
Heckler: No she's not. She's sitting over there.
Steph stands up.
Steph: Stay classy Australia.
Dave: Wtf??
Audience: Wtf??
Moderator comment: WTF?
You won. But would you win agains Chuck Norris?
*****
From: Slutty Susan
Visit time: 23/06/2006 2:48
Hey Dave, fuck your awareness walks. I can expand your awareness in much more fun ways.
Lift up the receiver, I'll make you a believer.
Moderator comment: Thanks Lady Ping Pong. Like I don't know your tone of voice by now.
Maybe you'd like to taste some judo?
*****
From: Gustav
Visit time: 23/06/2006 1:08
A word to the wise...
Modest Mouse is like a jackhammer in my brain.
Trousers are a like a jackhammer in my brain.
Moderator comment: A word to the weird...
Jackhammers are like brains in my trousers
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 23/06/2006 12:39
Dave, Fretwell convinced me!
You're so gay that it's starting to turn me on. Any chance you could maybe tone it down a bit? Having a major erection from 6pm - 9pm every Saturday leaves me with a really bad case of blue balls afterwards.
... or you could just, you know, pop by my place after the show and stuff. I just don't want to have to listen to the show with an ice pack, that's all.
Moderator comment: Okay, I'll try to homo it down a bit. IN THE NUDE
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 22/06/2006 1:25
Hi Dave. I just saw you on television, and no, I'm not talking about the Tuff Nuts ad, I'm talking about The Comedy Channel. It was an ad for some program that's going to be on at 9pm on Saturday, so I'm going to record it, and I want you to be on at precisely 9pm.
I'm warning you, if you don't come onto my TV, I'm going to be very, very angry with you, and I will write you a letter telling you how angry I am.
Moderator comment: I don't even know about this. What the hell?
I hope the Comedy Channel didn't film me on that nude picnic I had last week and have turned it into a two hour special cslled 'tuff in the buff' the Dave Callan story.
If they have I will be writing a very angry letter to myself telling myself how angry I am.
*****
From: Brokeback Bill
Visit time: 21/06/2006 5:18
Young man, are you listening to me? There's no need to feel down. There's no need to be unhappy. No man does it all by himself.
Young man, there's a place you can go. You can stay there, and I'm sure you'll find many ways to have a good time.
They have everything for you men to enjoy, you can hang out with all the boys. You can get yourself cleaned, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel.
Moderator comment: If you like adventure
Don't you wait to enter
The recruiting office fast
Don't you hesitate
There is no need to wait
They're signing up new seamen fast
Maybe you are too young
To join up today
But don't you worry 'bout a thing
For I'm sure there will be
Always a good navy
Protecting the land and sea
Oh my goodness.
What am I gonna do in a submarine?
*****
From: L Ron
Visit time: 21/06/2006 6:24
Have you ever felt there's got to be something more to the world?
Well, there is.
The fact is, your thetan has been depressed since the time it was frozen, blown up in a volcano and became a clam.
Our auditing service is normally valued at Us$50,000. But this month only, we're having a special at the low low price of $49.95.
That's right, $49.95.
But wait, there's more.
I'll also throw in a free copy of my latest book.
Plus, you get a free "I love L Ron" t-shirt.
Plus, you get to help in the intergalactic war against the evil emperor Xenu.
Stocks are limited!! Get in fast.
All major credit cards are accepted.
Moderator comment: Thanks Mother Hubbard
*****
From: S Gallagher
Visit time: 20/06/2006 2:01
Hi Dave,
me and me mates got freaked out last week we sent you a SMS and you sent one back!!! what the hell so now
we're going to shit on your lawn
thanks!
Sexy Steve
Moderator comment: Dear Sexy,
I have already shat on your lawn and then pretty flowers grew and I shat on them too.
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 19/06/2006 11:10
I found this Australian Rules card in my packet of Smith's crisps original. It was chrome-covered and you can see a rainbow when you tilt it the right angle against the light. I think it's probably worth more than a normal card, but I guess none of them are worth very much anyway, though maybe it's pretty good value since you'd be happy to pay a dollar for the chips without the card.
HELP! I DON'T WANT TO DIE A VIRGIN!
Moderator comment: I don't want to live as a virgin.
*****
From: Triple M listener
Visit time: 19/06/2006 5:20
I just want to clear up a couple of misconceptions here.
Firstly, you're not going to win the no masturbation competition.
Secondly, you're pro-Chinese.
Thirdly, you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals.
Fourthly, you're not in the Pandaband and your show doesn't always make people dumber.
Fifthly, maybe we can get dressed up in bras and play farty games.
Sixthly, fuck you Callan, I'm not going to jail for you.
Seventhly, please to lend big talent to movie. We pay many US dollar. Very sexy sheep. You make boom boom plenty.
Eighthly, you're not an iguana. Why do you hate plants?
Ninthly, why do old people always listen to classical music and dye their hair blue?
Tenthly, funny things to ejac on would include: the pope's hat, the American constitution, your beard, and Steph.
Moderator comment: Firstly, actually I am.
Secondly, I'm pro some Chinese things like complementary aged care for Pandas and against some Chinese things, like mandatory organ donations for left handed people under five.
Thirdly you're begining to shit me right in the shitter
Fourthly I never said I was and most episodes actually do I can tell you for free
Fifthly, I think I like you again and I've got the bras, lets go
Sixthly just go for a week, I'll bail you out as soon as the nigerian government transfer the fundage you whinging pansy
Seventhly okay then I will
Eigthly do you even know who my father is?
Ninthly because that constitutes a wacky old time to the over 80s
Tenthly, the statue of liberty's face (while abseiling).
*****
From: Grace Cheung
Visit time: 16/06/2006 6:21
Hi Dave,
Could you help me think up a message to write to you that makes you go, 'What the hell?'
Grace
Moderator comment: I think its going to be pretty hard at this stage. Competition in 'what the hell messages' round these parts is pretty fierce.
You could tell me that during full moons you become a were chipmunk and you go around being cute to people instead of nasty like a werewolf. That would make me go 'what the hell' a little bit.
*****
From: Flippin Eh
Visit time: 16/06/2006 12:51
Dear Dave,
I have begun a mission to stop using certain F & C words. I am very pleased to hear you use Flip as this is influcening me in a positive manner.
Can you suggest any other words to help me with my mission.
Continue the wonderful work it's so refreshing to hear a show on the radio that is not a top 30 countdown with cash cash cash to giveaway on a saturday.
Cheers,
Mr. Flip
Moderator comment: Feck (the Irish version of Flip) is quite good. Also useful is 'poppycock and balderdash' instead of saying 'Actually I think you're full of shit', also it has a non-rude 'cock' in it which is rare.
Instead of the 'C' word you can say 'James Blunt' also useful are 'Fandangle' 'shiver me timbers' and 'blessed barnacles'.
Good luck, and cheers Mr. Flip.
*****
From: Mr Hankey
Visit time: 16/06/2006 10:22
"Mr Hankey, the Christmas Poo. He loves me, I love you.
Therefore vicariously he loves you."
Da-ve. Da-ve! Hooowwwdy ho! Gosh, look at y'all. You're all growin' up sho fasht. Come closer. Give me a kiss. Have y'all been brushing behind your teeth? And usin' dental floss? And washin' behind your ears?
Wella shucks, normally I only come out at Christmas because the sun'll dry me up. But, you see, I've been livin' up your butt for some time now, and your intestines are a fragile ecosystem. I love variety, but, golly gosh, lately you been eatin' nothin' but cous cous, tofu, protein bars, and raw vegetables, and it's a-hurtin' my environment!
I'm gettin' real sick. I just wanted to tell you that, one time, when you were sleeping, I put myself in your mouth and had my friend take a picture.
I gotta move on to a new home now. Don't forget to change your sheets once a week! And be careful what you poop, or one day you might find yourself a-ridin' out of town on a waterfall of shit!
Moderator comment: I think I just did you in the toilet. Er... out of my bum, not in your bum er never mind.
*****
From: jane
Visit time: 16/06/2006 8:51
is that Dave Callan?
OMG you have such a sexy voice i want to marry your voice
Moderator comment: My voice's friends and family could be on one side of the church and your ear's friends and family on the other. Then we could have a reception in Bayswater
*****
From: Mysteroius
Visit time: 15/06/2006 11:22
i see, so u do have "tuff nuts" do ya
Moderator comment: Yes. They are tuff but fair.
*****
From: Mrs Crabs
Visit time: 15/06/2006 10:46
Davy, do you remember me from school? I'm sorry I gave you so many detentions. I only did it to spend more time with you. You used to be such a cutie before you grew that fucking beard.
Moderator comment: Aha. Now I know the truth. I'm going to sue Catholicism for what you did.
*****
From: It's flippin' sick!
Visit time: 14/06/2006 3:25
Dave, you've had a bad influence on my cousin James. Now's he's only into the yummy tummies of rummy mummies. He's a big dummy. It's all rather crummy. Some of the mums are gummy.
Love,
Shell, shocked
Moderator comment: Tell James liking older dames is for lames and he should be full of shames engaging in those sorts of games and one day it will all go up in flames.
*****
From: Da Bill from Bommo Code
Visit time: 14/06/2006 3:11
You've always loved me and my nine inch stiff. I can piss on the ship. You always want to say that. As far as I'm concerned you always tell everyone else to say that. I like Sarah from Tamworth. I think you've had a lovechild. I'm the nude rude dude don't you worry. We'll speak to you about Jane and her pregnancy later. I found your sister laying on the beach in Hawaii. I was listening to one of your relatives, a hermaphrodite. No, listen. I wouldn't have a fucking clue how this happened to me. Everyone tells me I sound like you. When I'm not shitting myself I sound like you. I'm carrying a nine inch stiff around at the moment. Someone wants to give me five hundred for it. I bought one off him. The sheila at the bottleo told me I got a problem cos I take me bottle back. If you buy a bottle from the shop it cost $33 for Beam. But if you take it back they'll bill it for you for $26. See I'm not an idiot. You know me Dave. Exactly. You're the one that put me onto this shit, Beam and the discount. I have to blame you for that because I'm an alcoholic now and you're the one that done it, Dave. Don't tell the listeners you don't drink because you're half plastered now. I got em for a discount cos I go there all the time. I've been listening for the last 24 hours and I had to rebuild this dragster speedwell mustang. Haven't finished it yet. Spraying it in two pack. Paint. Two pack. Yeah. Exactly. On the dragster. I've put racing stripes on it to make me look a lot cooler. I've been awake all night trying to work out which colour to do it in. I've done all the chrome work and I'm looking at it thinking pink, hot pink. Exactly, Dave, you know where I'm coming from. It's something that you have to understand that when you stare at that colour code you think Hmmm, maybe hot pink. Women like that. Are you into men, Dave? I'm no infidel, brother. I would like to be working on an SLR. No, Dave, listen. I've had an offer. It's Vietnam. I'm going there to ban cock but if they're going to ban cock I'm going nowhere near them. No way brother. It's Vietnam. You can't do that Dave. You go in public and find something who is a bit out of whack and the first different wave is going to crash that Droolsy. He plays shit that's off Triple M and Coma FM. I'm a loved man. Most people do love me. Dools ripped me off. I've been ringing up. Finally got through. I'm in front of an SLR. Been working on it all day. I sit down with Jim and I think Fuck me, what's this guy doing. And I sit down with Jim and I think Stuff it I'm going to ring him again. And he listens and he says to himself No this dude don't sound right cos he's some stuck up arsehole. And so I ring him later on. And I sit down with Jim again. You're the cause of this Dave. When I sold you that DT250. I'm changing channels with you. Listen, that DT250, I want it back. Well, you would say that on radio. We both know the truth. Doolsy you know where he comes from. He's a Mt Druit lad. In Mt Druit they just do it. And Doolsy was one of the men there. I'm pretty sure he'll change channels with you. I seen you flying round, you and your blonde hair. You're becoming Dools.
Moderator comment: *smiles and slowly backs away*
*****
From: {Xylem}The_Ungrateful_Dead
Visit time: 13/06/2006 4:50
I'm pretty l33t, and I bet I could ownez your butt on BF42. I bet you camp like a n00b.
Moderator comment: I do not camp like a n00b. Shut up. You run around killing pretend army men with a mouse.
And you can't own my butt but you can rent it for a reasonable hourly rate. You get a discount because you're teh sUxX0r
*****
From: Timbo
Visit time: 12/06/2006 2:02
Hey Dave the C, what's the big idea? You totally censored me when I wrote that message about SfT and LPP having a big of girl-on-girl fun.
FYI, not only did LPP agree with me (she WANTED SfT to punch her in the vage and herself suggested a mudfight), not only did she agree, but
SO DID Mrs SfT, who pointed out the fact that catfights are hot and give guys big boners.
The truth will not be silenced you hairy fascist bully!
Moderator comment: I do not censor messages poo pants Timbo. That is why later on in this board there is a guy calling me Gay (yes, with a capital G) no less that twenty or so times.
It will not be a boner inducing mud fight, it will be a violent karate match and thats that.
*****
From: Paper_bag
Visit time: 11/06/2006 6:08
Extract from a review (by James Grieve ) of Peter Singer's latest book ("The ethics of what we eat" I think it's called):
"In a book largely concerned with the horrors of modern food production, one is surprised and pleased to find an entertaining episode on the freegans of Melbourne, a group of people who live, and live well, by scavenging every single thing they eat from the bins behind supermarkets. These bins, which are refilled for them every evening, contain large amounts of perfectly edible food, thrown out before its use-by date. Their philosophy is as much a political protest as it is an ethical choice: more radical than vegans, they refuse to buy anything that they eat, especially meat, but will eat anything from a bin, even meat, since it has already been defined as waste, thereby refusing to be the paying accomplices of a consumer society that thrives on cruelty and over-production."
Regards,
PB
Moderator comment: Dear Monsieur underscore-bag,
I'm not sure everyone would find freeganism ethical. I used to see these people when I worked in a supermarket doing nightfill in Perth over a decade ago.
Lots of them looked drunk.
Some of them had no pants.
Aparently modern ones are not homeless at all but middle class academics making a statement. But what kind of statement involves fishing through used nappies for half a barbecue chicken?
*****
From: e
Visit time: 8/06/2006 4:35
w
Moderator comment: weird
*****
From: ceeman
Visit time: 8/06/2006 12:06
how ya goin david tell your mum to give us a sniff i like her hot pot tell me dave do you think lady piss pot gives good head cause i was told she had no teeth i do no that she used to wait out the front of long bay jail for any of the boys shes a smart girl that piss head she knew that any bloke that was to be getin out would love a head job for 8 bucks that gets her the box goon she loves it lady shit lips not for me when i walked out and seen that head itold her to go get fucked you skanky looking piss head but a tear rolled down its cheek bone so i said here take this 2bucks cause i felt sorry for her then i stated fucking the guts out of her when i was done she softly kissed the end of my cock and gave me all the money she had made lovley girl hey? so dave did you first meet her at the front gates of long bay cause i no you were in there for a while you peta thief i want my tv back to .see ya man child be cool .hey i dont really want to sniff ya maa ok???
Moderator comment: Dear Ceeman,
Some people will be coming soon to take you to where you can't hurt yourself.
*****
From: MOO
Visit time: 5/06/2006 2:13
my dog likes your stylish pantaloons. i am fond of them also.
Moderator comment: they are quite stylish.
I like your splendid breeches, my parrot likes them too.
*****
From: T-bone
Visit time: 5/06/2006 5:26
Hey dude it would flipping suck if your nuts fell off, and then you tried to shove them back, and instead you accidentally shoved them up your butt, and they came out your mouth just as you were giving a potato salad to your mum and she went Eww these nuts taste really salty.
Moderator comment: Thanks T-Bone, no really, thanks very much for that.
You're banned from the ABC and all its subsiduries. Potty mouth.
*****
From: Friar Tuck
Visit time: 4/06/2006 7:25
Hi, are you Dave Callan? I don't think people should try to be anything they're not, so you shouldn't try to be funny, because you're not. You make far too many mum jokes, and I just think you're giving Australia a pretty bad international reputation, and we don't need it right now because of terrorism.
Moderator comment: Dearest Friar,
Humour is a subjective thing. The people who think I am funny and the people who think I am not are both right.
Everyone has a different definitions of 'love' and 'beauty' as well. Everyone likes different music.
I hope you find a show thats right for you.
The Mum jokes by the way are with my tongue firmly in my cheek, its such a high school thing to do.
If I was being serious then that would be a bit embarrassing.
And I'm Irish so you don't need to worry about Australia's reputation!
*****
From: Timbo
Visit time: 3/06/2006 5:13
Hello Dave the C. I know you have to be all peacemaker and politically correct and stuff for the radio, but the fact is that
(a) radio without drama is boring, and for drama you need conflict; and
(b) it's quite hot to watch catfights, and it gives guys big boners.
So here's a vote for both Steph and the delectable Lady Ping Pong. May you continue to feud, may you find yourselves a mud wrestling ring, and may you eventually make it up with some hot lesbian love.
Moderator comment: A) my show is not propelled by drama. It is fueled by rock and fools.
B) This is theory that can be proven easily.
You're a rudey
*****
From: Carnie
Visit time: 3/06/2006 7:28
i dont smell like cabbage you big silly bear i smell like your mum
Moderator comment: Yes but she in turn smells of cabbage.
*****
From: The Big One
Visit time: 2/06/2006 2:04
Oh flip you win again.
Moderator comment: Flippin yes
*****
From: Sydney Sheila
Visit time: 1/06/2006 4:54
Hey Dave,
When are you coming back to Sydney to entertain us with your ribald humour and cute little arse? The sheilas of Sydney are waiting!
Moderator comment: Okay but you're not allowed touch it
*****
From: P. Knut
Visit time: 31/05/2006 10:51
What makes a mum a good mum?
Oh, and do you realise I'm not wearing any underpants.... ;-)
Moderator comment: 1. Teaching their sons the importance of wearing underpants.
2. Making whoopee with me behind some sort of shed.
*****
From: Grace Cheung
Visit time: 31/05/2006 7:37
My girlfriend had a riding accident, and wants you to lick her to make it better.
*LOL*
Grace
Moderator comment: Dear Grace Cheung,
is your girlfriend a horse?
If so, no.
And if she isn't a horse, no.
Ps. You are a highly rude Cheung.
*****
From: The management
Visit time: 31/05/2006 2:14
Dear valued customer,
We have noticed that you have been avoiding our fine eating establishments. Please be assured that we love
the animals and that our patties are not in fact 100% beef.
We look forward to your continued support, and retain a commitment to your weight reduction.
Moderator comment: Dear management,
As long as you have potatoes I will take no further action.
*****
From: Matt from Gympie
Visit time: 31/05/2006 2:28
Dear Uncie Dave,
I heard you talk about milfs so I did some research and I couldn't find anything but I get the feeling it's pretty rude because I keep finding some porno site about a guy called the milf hunter who has sex with older woman!!! I had to close the screen before my girlfrend saw but i'll go back again later. so is that the right milf, or do you mean something else? I still can't find out what it actually stands for. Do you know what it stands for or maybe it doesn't stand for anything and you're just talking about the porno site?
Your pal,
Matt
Moderator comment: Dear nephew Matt.
I think it stands for Mom I'd like to flip. I don't think I brought it up recently but it is possible and probable that a carnie did.
*****
From: Michelle Brooks
Visit time: 30/05/2006 3:30
Dear Dave,
You said that only carnies deny they're carnies.
So do you deny you're a carnie?
Love,
Shell, shocked
Moderator comment: Damn, you've got me in some sorta carnie checkmate
*****
From: Meg Ryan
Visit time: 30/05/2006 2:34
Dear Dave, I googled you at work tonight, but I got barred by my work's "inappropriate content" filter. So are you an adult film star, or are you into anything dodgy/illegal?
Moderator comment: Its because I'm quite hot most women look up pictures of me for a bit of studly eye candy and it ends up crashing most computers.
*****
From: P. Knut
Visit time: 29/05/2006 10:59
The Peanut walks by night!!!
MU HA HA!!!
Moderator comment: Ah you got me too
*****
From: The Bacon
Visit time: 27/05/2006 7:52
We'd better not see a cash for comment scandal revolving around Triple J and an alleged involvement that one of its presenters sold his soul for endorsment of a particular brand of "Tuff Nuts"!
Moderator comment: Shut up or I'll punch you in the bacon.
*****
From: Mr W
Visit time: 27/05/2006 2:23
Hi Dave, when no one's looking, I like to touch things with my wang. Pretty much every document I've handed in
to anyone, I've touched with my wang first. It's always most difficult when I'm signing credit card receipts.
I think you should try it. You should at least do it with your tax forms, and if you can manage to get away with it, it would be sort of funny if you could do it when you're voting as well.
Catch you in the office later on today! ;)
Yours sincerely,
Triple J worker
Moderator comment: Okay, we need to talk. I like to randomly lick things in the office when nobody is looking. We need to mark our territories somehow. I don't want to lick anything you've wanged and you probably don't want to wang anything I've licked.
*****
From: Perplexed
Visit time: 26/05/2006 10:10
Dear Gandalf, why do you collect hobbits and dwarves and give them weed? What sort of magic do you do with them? Why do you have such a long staff? Why do you look like a derro?
Moderator comment: 1. Because I'm a naughty, naughty wizard.
2. Naughty wizard magic
3. Because I like to stick it up their poopers
4. Because I drink too much and pass out in hobbit gardens with my wang out and a staff up my ass
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 26/05/2006 9:46
My penis, she hurts so much.
Moderator comment: Sorry for biting
*****
From: me
Visit time: 23/05/2006 11:19
hi
Moderator comment: oh hey
*****
From: The ponderer
Visit time: 23/05/2006 2:44
Is Gnarls Barkley Don Cheadle?
Moderator comment: No, but Bootsy Collins is both of them
*****
From: Butterfly
Visit time: 23/05/2006 11:19
Hey sailor, you wanna girlfriend? You wanna get lucky? You wanna party long time? You like to eat egg roll?
Moderator comment: 1) No thanks I'm saving my self for someone special.
2) Soliciting prostitutes is not any form of luck it is merely a very shady aspect of capitalism.
3) Yes actually I do want to party for a considerable amount of time.
4) Yes but I'd prefer some inari.
*****
From: Cleetus Jr
Visit time: 22/05/2006 11:32
Howdy Mr C,
I just had a word with Ma. She reckons you stink to high heaven, but she's awful sore it's so
cold outside, so you can sleep in the old crapper round back unless any decent folk come calling.
You ain't allowed inside the house, and you ain't allowed to be alone with me in case you're tempted
to interfere. And you have to swear solemn you'll stop going through our trash cans.
Ma reckons if you conquer the demon drink and shave your beard and quit with all the cussing and go
to church regular like, you stand a good clean chance of turning out a respectable human being again.
Moderator comment: Say, thats mighty respectable of you folk.
I know I been fierce wayward at times an I appreciate this opportunity.
Problem is Cleetus Sr. finds me asleep in the crapper I fear he may take his belt off an tan my hide.
I don't want nuther whuppin so I'll just mosey fer now.
Say howdy to your Mom.
*****
From: Princess Abbie from Newcastle
Visit time: 22/05/2006 4:03
Now I'm a long time caller, never - well, almost never time listener, but I just so happened to hear that trashbag lady ping pong trash my sister. Now I'm all for a bit of friendy competion, but Steph form Tamworth is clearly the best carnie since sliced bread, and lady ping pong is just jealous that she is not no.1 carnie... Lady Ping Pong is a poo head and if I ever meet her, I'm going to kick her in the James Blunt... P.s Dave Are you going to be my flower girl??? I need to know for the dress maker needs your measurements to make your dress. And My mum misses your deep voice... I think. I haven't really asked her.
Moderator comment: I want to make a video game called 'carnie bash' and its afighting game where you can pick to be any of the people who ring the show and everyone has special moves. Ukelele man smashes his ukelele over peoples heads and you and Steph do a tag team super kick to the James Blunt (cos thats what chicks from Tamworth do).
And yes, I'm going to be your flower girl. Make sure I get a nice fascinator.
*****
From: shannon
Visit time: 21/05/2006 3:55
heya dave umm i watched raw comedey i dont have a clue how to spel it uummm yeh it was good u were on it lolol i love your show that piret man is funny that chikin man was realy strang and are you on an add like voise over add cas like i think its you lolol its like a penut add k lolol
shannonxxoo
Moderator comment: Dear Shazza underscore forty eight,
you're like a penut
*****
From: Hillsong_baby69
Visit time: 21/05/2006 5:56
Hi Dave, what's your religion? I'd just like to let you know that if you're not Christian you're going to hell.
Moderator comment: Flip
*****
From: steph from tamworth
Visit time: 20/05/2006 10:08
i just wanted to say that i was a little harsh toward lady ping pong or what ever the hell her name is but i still wanna kick your ass for saying that i had no soul i have more soul then u ever will i dont need to pretend who i am to get people to like me
ps how many people stuck up for you? one.
and how many stuck up for me? lots
thans guys
keep it classy australia
ps who is number one?.................
ohhh wait ITS ME!!!!!!
Moderator comment: I'm going to organise a karate match between you and Lady Ping Pong.
It will be like a pay per view on cable tv broadcast live from the Tamworth RSL. Russel Crowe will be guest referee and your mum will hold up the round cards.
I'll be in the commentary box with Ukelele Man and there'll be heaps of stars in the front row like Lee Kernahan and keith Urban and Nicole Kidman.
We'll make a documentary about the training with Lady Ping Pong in her posh gym and you running around Tamworth lifting rocks and bench pressing cattle.
*****
From: someone you know extremely not very well maybe a little bit though
Visit time: 20/05/2006 7:45
I've had jumping sores over my shoulders, arms, legs and god knows what else, I've also been playing resident evil 4, which begs the question...
When WILL the insectoid parasites erupt from my sternum? will I be forced to eat my friends brains in a mindless rampage? thoughts?
Moderator comment: Its just puberty man, calm down.
Keep a friend with a shotgun handy though.
*****
From: Mysticweb.org
Visit time: 21/05/2006 5:51
You're not a cop, are you?
Okay, I got some really good shit. These are authentic homegrown astral projection pills. None of that
dodgy Asia crap.
What do you say?
If you're not comfortable doing this alone, I'll stay with you for your first trip.
*****
From: Kermit
Visit time: 20/05/2006 12:29
It's not that easy being green
Having to spend each day the color of the leaves
When I think it could be nicer being red, or yellow or gold
Or something much more colorful like that
Moderator comment: But green's the color of Spring.
And green can be cool and friendly-like.
And green can be big like an ocean, or important like a mountain,
or tall like a tree.
*****
From: Will you take my confession?
Visit time: 20/05/2006 12:09
Father, I feel so wrong. I thought it would be worth it for the money, but it wasn't, and now nothing can take it back. Selling my nuts to a big corporation interferes with God's plan for me. God doesn't want me to be a beyotch for the man. God wants my nuts to go free.
Moderator comment: It is too late my son. You have been castratied by the man. Do you feel tuff now?
*****
From: Wibbey
Visit time: 20/05/2006 2:12
I apologies Mr. brokeback bill! as my mother always use to say: "what ever floats your sailing ship", i can't remember if that was the origional phrase! but you know what im getting at!. I can't say i really understand how some1 could have a sexual realionship with another man on the radio, unless u add abit of lube into the equation :P!!1 talking about lube! im so in LOVE with steph from Tamworth; as narles barkley put so wisely: "i can go on and on and on, "but who cares!". heeey dave! good luck for saturday night! i'll be waiting with my radio on. anyway im off to OWN some n00bs on bf42 :D
Moderator comment: Yeah man you frag dem bitches.
I'll be sure to let Steph know a man who owns nOObs and talks about lube loves her.
*****
From: Karen Shipp
Visit time: 19/05/2006 5:49
To Mr Dave Callan: I've heard that you're available to be rented out for private and discrete events. Could you provide contact details so my people can get in touch with your people?
Moderator comment: Dear Miss Ship,
You are quite correct of course. However I have many stringent guidelines which must be obeyed.
1. No touching below the waist
2. I pint of goji juice heated to 23 degrees celsius
3. I refuse to perform at the same event as Coldplay
4. Nude housecleaning costs extra
*****
From: Message for Dave
Visit time: 19/05/2006 5:18
You're wrong.
*****
From: Brokeback Bill
Visit time: 19/05/2006 1:22
Hey Dave,
I don't agree with what Wibbey wrote below: "Ahh don’t worry! We all love you… In a non-gay sort of way". I think some of us love
you in a gay sort of way.
So what are you doing tonight? I'll pick you up at 8.30pm with the guys. We'll go get some "pizza"?
Your chum,
BB
Moderator comment: Thank you William,
I may be hired by Karen Shipp, but if not, lets go for a "pizza". I'm ordinarily a strictly vego kinda guy, but you may be able to convince me to try some 'meat lovers'
*****
From: Jimmy the stick
Visit time: 18/05/2006 7:23
I astral projected into your mum.
Moderator comment: Aw flip
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 17/05/2006 5:16
You, Hack and Dr Karl are the best things about Triple J at the moment, but whoever decided to completely scrap Net 50 ought to get beaten up by an army of angry carnie midgets led by George Dubya Bush.
It doesn't matter when it's on. Fridays, Saturdays... heck, even Mondays would be fine. Net 50 just needs to come back... or else I'll make hordes of carnies call up and do the weirdest phone calls you'll ever hear!
What does "paper bag" even mean, anyway?!
Moderator comment: I know, I like the internet and the number fifty as much as anybody.
I thionk a paper bag means - item made of paper coloured brown designed to hold things like bottles of alcohol / dodgy newsagent purchases and what the hell is a protozone while we're at it?
*****
From: mitch
Visit time: 16/05/2006 9:01
hey dave,
i did think you were pretty funny but that previous poster reminded me that you replaced the net 50 so it turns out you're a cocksucker.
say, do you make mum jokes cos subconsciously you wish you were still on rove's comedy squad?
"say hi to your mum for me!"
"your mum is a whore!"
freud would have a field day.
Moderator comment: Dear Mitch Pett,
I have never said that anyone's Mum was a whore.
However, I like you because you like songs about Pirates.
Ps. I also like you because your mum is a whore
*****
From: Kermit
Visit time: 16/05/2006 9:47
Ladies and gentlemen, it's the muppet show.
It's time to play the music
It's time to light the lights
t's time to meet the Muppets on the Muppet Show tonight.
It's time to put on makeup
It's time to dress up right
It's time to raise the curtain on the Muppet Show tonight.
Moderator comment: Why do I always come here
I guess I'll never know
Its like a kind of torture to have to do this show
*****
From: Grace Cheung
Visit time: 15/05/2006 12:47
Dear Dave,
Do you ever make 'your mum' jokes with your brothers or sisters or your mum? Is it funny when you do?
Grace
Moderator comment: Yes. And yes, its more funny than usual. Sometimes my mum your mums herself which is great.
*****
From: Dear Henry
Visit time: 15/05/2006 10:50
There's an Irishman in my closet, dear Liza, dear Liza, there's an Irishman in my closet, and he won't flipping go away.
Moderator comment: Well hit him with a shillelagh, dear Henry, dear henry.
Or throw a potato out the door and close it real quick
*****
From: Zen dude
Visit time: 15/05/2006 9:51
Dave, I really need to have sex with Lady Ping Pong. Next time you speak to her, could you ask her to contact me at koan.buddha.master@gmail.com? I promise I'm not a sleaze. Please don't let me down.
Moderator comment: I can't give out addresses in accordance with triple J policy. Then again, bhudhist masters are not supposed to have sex with women who make a living firing ping pong balls out their coochies.
*****
From: Bitchtits
Visit time: 14/05/2006 5:35
Dear Dave, in case you were wondering, let me explain what happened last night. You were looking pretty hot, and I was almost there, when you had to open your motherflipping mouth and spoil it. Who needs to hear some fat voice when they're about to come?
Whatever happened to us? We used to be such good friends.
I've posted a few cameras outside your house in order to keep tabs on you. But don't worry. I'm not gay. I just think it's entertaining to watch a man with a beard jerk off.
Moderator comment: POLICE
*****
From: Hotness
Visit time: 14/05/2006 2:28
http://www.thane.com/products/housewares/qgrill/celebs/fullsize/13.jpg
Moderator comment: ???
Three question marks for you
*****
From: Wibbey
Visit time: 14/05/2006 12:29
Hey Dave
I just read what Tim said bellow! That’s some pretty harsh stuff!! Ahh don’t worry! We all love you… In a non-gay sort of way, tho I think we all love Steph from Tamworth that considerable amount more. Can’t she have her own show? Or at least have her on the air a bit more! Actually just replace that annoying guy who does the poor impersonation of you (it sounds more like a cross between a Wookie and Kermit the frog) with t3h Steph <3. Anyway must dash! Keep up the good work! : P
Moderator comment: Thanks Captain Wibbey.
I'm somewhat jealous of Steph's sucess. Its awkward sometimes I'm staying in the presedential suite of a hotel and Steph will arrive in town and I have to move for her.
Flippin Steph.
*****
From: Bazza
Visit time: 13/05/2006 11:47
I've got news for you Mr C. It's a misconception that girls' genitals are different from guys. My girlfriend showed me hers today, and it looked pretty much the same to me. I just think that advertising and the media spread a lot of false information and unrealistic body images, and you shouldn't just believe everything you see.
Moderator comment: Stop trying to touch me Bazza
*****
From: THE YUM YUMS
Visit time: 13/05/2006 8:27
YUM YUM YUM
IM A GOOBER.
mee moo
Moderator comment: Dear the Yum yums,
thats nice of you to say.
Have a very jaunty day
*****
From: Down with copyright
Visit time: 13/05/2006 6:20
Here's a picture of what you'll look like in 22 years, ya big derro: http://jimmysweblog.net/2004/10/richard-stallman.jpg
Moderator comment: Not if I shampoo and work out beyotch
*****
From: BB
Visit time: 13/05/2006 2:25
Hey David, why don't we blow this joint? We could order a couple of pizzas, get the guys together, stand in a circle and jerk off. Don't worry, we're not gay, it's just a bit of manly fun. You know you want to. Give me a call and we'll make it happen.
Moderator comment: Only if its done in a tantric way.
*****
From: Brian McGee
Visit time: 12/05/2006 10:05
Okay, I don't like other people smelling my farts. I think it makes them react unfavourably to me. So I've developed this technique, right, where you try to blow air into your fart, to make it disperse more quickly, and at the same time, you try to inhale as much of the fart as possible so that no one else gets any.
So I was feeling pretty farty today, but I gotta tell you dude, blow suck doesn't always work. I was sitting on a plastic chair -- no cushion to inject into -- and I dropped a bomb, and I blew sucked with all my might, but it was like I'd created an invincible toxic cloud. It floated past the guy at the end of the table, and he said something like, "Dear God, what the hell is that?", and then two seconds later some guy at the other side of the room goes, "Fuck, I smell it too".
So what in the name of Callan is up with that shit? How could the fart have formed into a cloud that floated across the room in one piece? How is that possible?
Moderator comment: I don't know man but you've just told the entire internet
*****
From: Anne
Visit time: 10/05/2006 11:50
Dave dude, you make my brother wet himself laughing. Literally. But let's not go there. :) Maybe I'll call up one of these days. Maybe your mum will call up too. Maybe everyone will call everyone up.
Best wishes,
Anne
P.S I'm not a carnie.
Moderator comment: Its not good to go pees if you are not on the potty.
Maybe everyone will.
If you're not a carnie then why
a) do you insist you are not a carnie (carnies do that)
b) does your family do wee on itself
*****
From: tim
Visit time: 10/05/2006 6:24
triple j is awesome,only station i listen to.i work in a restaurant and the only time we turn it off is saturday nite cause of dave the fuckhead.bring back net 50
Moderator comment: Oh no! I feel very bad that I took your favourite show away.
I guess we all do the best job we can wirh the circumstances we are given. At the same time I don't think there's any value in calling people names. Is there something you'd like to recommend I do?
Everybody likes different things in this life. I don't like The Streets, but I wouldn't email Mike Skinner and call him a fuckhead.
Actually, thats mainly because I don't have his email adress.
I hope we can be friends Tim, otherwise I might come into your restaraunt one day by accident and wonder why my food tastes like twelve different people's wee.
*****
From: Last night was spectacular :)
Visit time: 10/05/2006 2:06
I don't know how I could have done it, but I think I left my yellow overalls at your place. I really need them
for work. Could you please post them out to my family restaurant at the corner of High Street and Childs
Road, Epping.
Looking forward to some more next time I'm in Melbourne!
Love,
Ronald
Moderator comment: You've left giant red lipstick marks all over my body you ass-clown.
As least the colonel was discreet. So was the Hamburglar
*****
From: Dr Phil
Visit time: 9/05/2006 9:37
Whenever anyone writes you a message, you always say "You're wrong". But did it ever occur to you that
maybe the only person who's wrong is you? You're the common denominator here.
I'm not saying you have to change your life; only God can do that. I'm just saying you might want to
checkety check yourself before your wreckety wreck yourself.
Moderator comment: You and Oprah should have kids
*****
From: mj
Visit time: 8/05/2006 4:15
hi dave,
you have kept my little sister hooked listening to you every satday night.
Now you've got her saying, "Carnie" around the house and in every part of her sentence.
What ever does this word mean?
*she doesn't even really know herself.
Bless my poor soul, mj
Moderator comment: Its a person with tiny hands that works in a carnival and smells like cabbage.
It is also the slang term for a weirdo that calls up triple J in between 6 and 9pm Sat
*****
From: Matt from Sydney
Visit time: 8/05/2006 8:48
I don't get why people get Steve Wright. The fucker just stands on stage, puts the deadpan on, and delivers two painful hours of disconnected one-liner word plays, none of which are funny, and all of which are predictable.
In contrast, in your routines you've got: smooth segue between jokes, overarching stories that hold people's interest, build ups to the big laugh, and running motifs where you link back to previous jokes.
I know you're going to say that humour is a very subjective thing, but surely some humour is dumber than others.
Your pal,
Matt
Moderator comment: Thanks for being a very nice compliments man.
Steven Wrights delivery is quite effective because he says short simple funny sentances in a very bored looking and sounding way.
The contrast is quite amusing.
I suppose humour is a very subjective thing.
*****
From: The Big One
Visit time: 7/05/2006 2:13
I'm the big one, I'm the big one, I dance, I skip, I hop around, and no one can touch it but me, yeah yeah yeah.
Moderator comment: Stop jumping around I'm trying to touch it
*****
From: Michelle Brooks
Visit time: 7/05/2006 1:45
Dave, you tell someone off for dropping the F bomb, you say to them, "Are you proud now that you've
sworn on national radio, I've got plenty of younger listeners" - and then straight afterwards you play some song that goes "Come on motherfucker, people equals shit" or "I want to fuck you like an animal" or "I'm fuck forever".
It's like you're saying, "You're allowed to hear the word when it's sung, but oh no, you can't hear it when it's spoken. That would be naughty." Isn't there something just a little bit ridiculous here? I think you're making up the "It's the ABC's rules, man".
And who gives a fuck anyway if younger listeners hear. Is it going to damage them? Will it corrupt their innocence or make them morally depraved? It's just a fucking word! Are we living in Victorian fucking England? Are you completely out of your motherfucking mind?
Love,
Shell
Moderator comment: I would prefer it if all the songs had flip in them.
eg. 'Flip you I won't do what you tell me...MOTHERFLIPPER'
or
'I want to flip you like an animal'
But the world of contemporary music is a rude fuckin place.
There was no such rudeness in our Grandfather's day
eg
'You've lost that fuckin feelin'
'Fuckin you is easy cos you're beautiful'
or 'I am the fuckin Walrus'
Thats right Michelle, you never saw 'Parental Advisory Explicit Lyrics' stickers back in those days.
*****
From: Gus
Visit time: 7/05/2006 11:48
Mate, please don't force me to hold off any longer. You don't want to make me poop my pants, do you?
Moderator comment: Well I do, and you know that.
Thats why I've been feeding you almonds and all bran and a variety of other fibre
dense foodstuffs while physically restraining you from going to the poo poo house
*****
From: Please quit it with the mum jokes
Visit time: 7/05/2006 6:04
Dear Dave, we've been listening to your show the past two weeks, and it's almost driven us insane. We've got
enough problems down here in this stinking hole. So please shut the fuck up with the mum jokes. I wish we'd turned
off the radio before we got in the cage. We'll never make that mistake again.
Yours sincerely,
Brant and Todd
*****
From: Message for Lady Ping Pong
Visit time: 7/05/2006 4:12
Hey Lady Ping Pong, I'll be in Maroubra on Friday. Maybe we can get together and play a little tennis. I'll bring some pink lemonade. What do you say?
Moderator comment: I'm sure she'll be into it. As long as its TABLE tennis.
She doesn't even need a paddle
*****
From: rob
Visit time: 7/05/2006 3:04
Hey Dave, you know that stuff that Ukelele Guy made you say? Don't say that shit, dude. Don't go there. I'm serious. Those are the words of the motherflippin' headache sutra. Every time you say them, you're pissing off the stone monkey god.
Moderator comment: I was wondering why my head felt like it was shrinking
*****
From: Debbie
Visit time: 6/05/2006 7:10
Hey, whats cookin' good lookin' haha.
Anyway just wanna say I think you are hilarious and that guy that rings up(the one that trys to talk like you)is classic.
I have also had a thought as to a song you would love, 'Yo Mama' by Butterfingers, it's so you, cmon admit that it's in your cd collection.
I am going to ring you soon, so look out, I might try and crack onto you(I'm not a mama though, sorry to disappoint). Do you think you would still be interested or would I just get my heart broken?lol
Moderator comment: Hello Debbie,
I loved it when you did Dallas. If you ring up I will play that Butterfingers song. Not for you of course, for 'Yo Mama'...
*****
From: John Johnson
Visit time: 6/05/2006 4:51
Look, it doesn't matter if my cock is bigger than yours. You don't need to cry yourself to sleep at night. You don't need to run in shrieking terror from public urinals. You don't need to lock yourself in your room and put "Paint it black" on repeat. So what if mine is bigger? What does it matter in the long run? Who really cares that you have no dick?
Moderator comment: Dear Jonathan Johnson (if that is your real name),
Why is it you say that I have a SMALLER doodle than you then suddenly I have NO DOODLE AT ALL? Could it be that YOU"RE NOT TELLING THE DARN TRUTH?
Now get your hand off it prince of rudeness
*****
From: Not the blowjob queen
Visit time: 5/05/2006 10:09
I am not the blowjob queen. You are not the blowjob queen. He/she/it/x is not the blowjob queen. We are not the blowjob queen.
Moderator comment: You've left yourself wide open for a Mum joke there my friend.
CHECKMOTHERFLIPPINMATE
*****
From: Client #12345
Visit time: 5/05/2006 9:38
Dear Dr Sigmund Callan, you've let a lot of carnies sit on your couch. Can I sit on your couch too? Maybe
you could let me sit a little closer, maybe on your lap, and maybe I could play with your beard.
Cordially,
Brian McGee
Moderator comment: Dear Mr. MgGee,
No
*****
From: Martin
Visit time: 4/05/2006 8:19
I have a dream that one day the station of Triple J, whose governor's lips are presently dripping with the words of interposition and nullification, will be transformed into a situation where little goth boys and goth girls will be able to join hands with little emo boys and emo girls and walk together as sisters and brothers.
Moderator comment: And then a group of bogans driving past will shout 'poofs' out the window and thow empty woodstock cans
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 1/05/2006 10:15
CARNIE OF THE DAY!
Winner: Seagulls spotted early this morning on the way to Central station eating some left-over vomit from the night before.
Runner-up: Guy at Town Hall station who appeared to be able to make really, really good electronic music using his hands and mouth.
Loser(s): The three people (one girl, two guys) on George street outside StarBar who were rolling on their butts and then jumping up and hugging each other.
Moderator comment: They should all get each other as prizes
*****
From: Emos are dumb
Visit time: 30/04/2006 2:03
Dear Dave, emo kids are so stupid. Irishmen, lawyers, dykes, and Jews can take jokes, so why can't emos?
Moderator cmment: Yes, people should always be good humoured. Especially if they are wearing polka dot clothing.
*****
From: Samuel Solomon
Visit time: 30/04/2006 1:15
Dear Mr Callan,
I have just discovered that politicians use money to win elections. I'm afraid that I now have a right to kick the crap out of you and take your VCR player. I apologize for any inconvenience.
Yours sincerely,
Sammy S
Moderator comment: You're a bit full on. And I don't do cassettes man, GET WITH THE NOW
*****
From: Sara O'Whora
Visit time: 30/04/2006 1:00
Hi Mr Callan, just wondering when your next comedy gigs are. Would love to come and check you out.
Moderator comment: Sara O' Whora? What sort of crazy arsed made up Irish name is that?
Uh, I'm doing Federation square, Melbourne Friday 5th of May 5pm, Hi Fi Bar Friday 5th May 11.30pm.
*****
From: Michael
Visit time: 30/04/2006 6:21
Hey Dave, I have to confess that I had my wang out when I gave you a massage last night. I don't think you noticed, but most of the viewing public did, and it caused a bit of controversy.
Moderator comment: Go away Dad
*****
From: Paper_bag
Visit time: 30/04/2006 1:39
Herald Sun -- 29/04/06 -- page 4:
Monkey in parcel
QUARANTINE officers found the remains of a monkey in a parcel bound for Melbourne’s western suburbs this week.
The package, sent from Thailand to Williamstown, was detected at the city’s International Mail Facility at Tullamarine.
Quarantine officer Ken Ryan first noticed the monkey meat inside a 25cm square package during a routine inspection.
An X-ray revealed a torso and inspectors discovered a 12cm, decaying forearm and hand.
Although almost overcome by the smell, inspectors froze the remains and destroyed them yesterday.
-- So, I'm sorry about the delay on your monkey Dave. Will send a replacement soon.
Moderator comment: It better not be a quarantine officer in a monkey costume. That would be so dissapointing.
A monkey dressed as a quarantine officer. That would be awesome
Or your mum dressed as a quarantine officer inspecting my monkey. Thats choice number one please
*****
From: steph from the T
Visit time: 29/04/2006 9:01
im very disapointed at you for playing that mash up just now with the fucking skanks from destinys child i dont think i like you very much now unless you NEVER play that agin EVER or you will die
Moderator comment: Whoa! What the hell happened to us? We used to be great together.
Stepho, can you handle this?
I don't think you can handle this
WOO!
I don't remember you complaining the time i played DOLLY GODAMN PARTON
*****
From: Tom
Visit time: 29/04/2006 11:17
hey buddy, sexy set of stems you got there
Moderator comment: Tom loves chickens. He loves them often
*****
From: The Big One
Visit time: 29/04/2006 5:49
If I could do a shit in your toilet that you couldn't flush away, would you say Gosh yeah I'll make you the head of the ABC and all its subsidiaries?
Moderator comment: You love chickens too.
Sometimes you're lonely and there's just chickens around. Its okay, I won't tell anyone.
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 28/04/2006 2:08
Dangermouse from Gnarls Barkley is in a new movie called Alternative Freedom.
http://alternativefreedom.org/
The movie is about music/movie publishers lobbying US congress for tougher copyright laws at the same time as implementing Digital Restrictions Management (DRM) technology that uses cryptography to control how people can listen to music they have purchased.
For example, music bought from the iTunes Music Store can only be played in the iTunes program and on iPods. If all music is eventually sold through systems using DRM, mashups will cease to exist because people will not be able to mix together the music they have purchased, and the devices/programs that can play music will be limited.
The idea is that big publishers decide which bands become popular, and get a monopoly on the entertainment industry.
Moderator comment: FLIP
I hate being restricted digitally
*****
From: Sammy CC
Visit time: 27/04/2006 3:14
Why hello Mr Strapokopolous. I need a lube change, some sick tyres, and a new paintjob for the race today. Can you make arrangements?
Moderator comment: Sure, just pop your trousers down and hop upon the bed for me
*****
From: Michelle Brooks
Visit time: 26/04/2006 8:57
Hey Dave, how come you know so much about music? Does that mean you're dumb in other ways?
Love,
Shell
Moderator comment: Shut up I know all about Pandas too
*****
From: S Gallagher
Visit time: 25/04/2006 11:59
Hi Dave,
just wanted to say that me and me mates love yur show. we listen every saturday night, and every time you make a mum joke we send you a rude sms, so if you were wondering why you get so many, that's the reasn. are you still doing that radio show thing, because we want to come and see you.
thanks!
Sexy Steve
Moderator comment: Its over now, but it might be played on this very station.
Mum jokes = rude sms makes sense IN YOUR WORLD ONLY POOPY PANTS
*****
From: Carmen
Visit time: 25/04/2006 10:28
Hello. I'm studying blinking Seamus Heaney for year 12 literature and I was wondering - because you're a lovely, dashing, Irish... man, and everything - if you could give me a few informed pointers about Irish culture and that, please.
So, do you dig much? What is peat and what does it do? Do you remember feeling the cool hardness of potatoes in your hands?
Any other relevant information would be met with sincere gratification.
Moderator comment: 1. Do you mean do I dig much in terms of holes or do I dig much in the african american seventies sense of the term? You see you can 'dig' potatoes in two very different types of way.
2. I fuckin love peat (whoa sorry I got excited)Peat forms when plant material, usually in marshy areas, is inhibited from decaying fully by acidic conditions. It is composed mainly of peat moss or sphagnum.
Peat is soft and easily compressed. Under pressure, water in the peat is forced out. Upon drying, peat can be used as a fuel.
Basically I just like the word sphagnum. I also like forcing water out of my peat. Probably cos both of them sound rude.
3. To be sure I do
And now more information about Ireland.
The national drink is the potato daquiri
Our native animals include deer, fairies and leprechauns.
Most things in Ireland are green or very green.
A lot of the people there are drunk or very friendly and its hard to tell which are which.
The Irish people usually spend their time talking or dancing about. There are 5 computers in Ireland. None of them work.
Thank you for your offer of sincere gratification but I'm fine thanks
*****
From: Redfern Rob
Visit time: 25/04/2006 6:38
Hi Dave, we're all struggling in this life together. Send me money.
Moderator comment: I only send people money who use THE MAGIC FLIPPING WORD
*****
From: Don't be so grumpy
Visit time: 25/04/2006 7:11
If you think life is bad...
How would you like to be an egg?
You only get laid once.
You only get eaten once.
It takes 4 minutes to get hard.
Only 2 minutes to get soft.
You share your box with 11 other guys.
But worst of all...
The only chick to ever sit on your face was your mother.
So cheer up...Your life ain't that bad!
Forward this to 10 people, and you'll receive an egg.
Forward this to 20 people, and you'll receive two eggs.
*****
From: Boycott the show
Visit time: 23/04/2006 2:47
TO ALL SATURDAY NIGHT LISTENERS: please boycott the show. Dave Callan is a fascist, animal-hating motherflipper. He pretends to care about animal rights, but he voluntarily consumes eggs and milk. Dave Callan, why do you hate the animals? Don't they have rights too? How would you like it if someone ate your babies and stole the milk from your nippples?
Moderator comment: Don't be a big vegan bully.
*****
From: BB
Visit time: 23/04/2006 1:36
Dave I love you. I know you're probably thinking right now that this is going to turn into some weird sex thing, but it's not. I'm talking about genuine caring love for you. Let me explain. I listen to your show every weekend, and some of the things you say really touch me. You're a very kind and gentle man. And even if you don't accept my love, I will always be here for you. So can I ejaculate in your beard now or do you want to take it up the arse first?
Moderator comment: arse please
*****
From: Tom
Visit time: 22/04/2006 8:24
Board: Punk's Not Dead (2006)
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View: thread | flat | inline | nest
Subject Posted by Date
EMO = EMOTIVE HARDCORE YOU FOOLS
by - marymorphine (Sun Oct 2 2005 00:45:18) Ignore this User | Report Abuse
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you notice whenever you make fun of these boy bands and call them fake punk rock, some idiot will say THEY ARE NOT PUNK, THEY ARE EMO.
It seems since these Hot Topic followers get crapped on whenever they even utter the words punk, they have turned to Emo, which has become an excuse to support these fake rockers.
Well check this out...
"Emo" is not short for "Emotional." "Emo" does not mean Taking Back Sunday and Dashboard Confessional, despite what MTV has lead you to believe in the last few years. "Emo" is not sidebangs, tight pants, and male vocalists who sing like little girls about their failed relationships. "Emo" is not the use of diluted, meaningless metaphors and similes such as "My arms are like pinecones," and most definitely is not the rampant use of words such as "autumn," "heart," "knife," "bleeding," "leaves," and "razorblade."
I just thought I'd clear that up after all of these "definitions" in which I have encountered an unbelievable amount of people who try to pass off their blatantly false pretenses as fact, and are slowly infecting others with their high-horse, holier-than-thou bull. Because honestly, with your ridiculous definitions, Beethoven, George Gershwin, and Britney Spears are/was "emo bands."
Now, onto the real definition.
In the early 90s there was a movement in the hardcore genre that came to be known as "Emotive Hardcore," spearheaded by Rites Of Spring. Harder-core-than-thou kids, who swore by Dischord Records a la Minor Threat, actually coined the term "Emo" as something of a put-down for the kids who really liked Rites Of Spring, Indian Summer and this new wave of "Emotive" Hardcore bands. That's right, "Emo" was once not something kids called themselves. The field exploded outwards from there - Level-Plane Records has always been the most famous Emo label. Acts like Yaphet Kotto, I Hate Myself, Saetia, Hot Cross, A Day In Black And White, Funeral Diner, I Would Set Myself On Fire For You, You And I, and hosts of others came in the next decade. Most emo bands have since broken up, but there's still the occasional hold-out (again, the majority of Level-Plane Records' roster has been a procession of emo acts). Like most DIY hardcore/punk of the time, a majority found its way onto vinyl and not much else. Some people consider bands like Fugazi, and later Sunny Day Real Estate, a progression of emo, but personally, I don't quite follow that philosophy.
Often, more recently, this gets intertwined with post-hardcore, and understandably so - that's nothing to make an issue of, since well, at least it's close.
Since the late 90s, though, bands have been emerging in the vein of Taking Back Sunday, Dashboard Confessional, and the thousands of their clones. As far as I can tell, some lazy journalist somewhere, writing an article about them, decided "Well, no one knows what emo is anyways, so I'll call these bands "emo" - sounds more appealing than bubblegum pop rock..." and the spiral continued downwards into the current amalgomation of bands MTV has told everyone is "emo."
Somehow, people decided that "emo" meant "emotional," which is obviously bull, as 99% of bands make music to illicit emotion, which would make "emotional" a completely all-encompassing genre from classical to opera to pop to rap.
Moderator comment: I like potatoes
*****
From: Elana
Visit time: 22/04/2006 6:50
hey yeah on the topic of emos in brisbane-they are EVERWHERE. im from melb and when i went there over summer, when it was boiling hot they were everywhere and i just thought that their choice of clothing was so innapropriate. i mean why would you wear black tight jeans and a tight black or striped top in that heat? isanity.i was blown away by their stupidity and their numbers...but i dont have an actual problem with them. i have emo friends and they call themselves emo.
Moderator comment: Excuse me I have to go and do my urine
*****
From: Taste challenge
Visit time: 22/04/2006 12:59
You should drink coke. It has more protein than pepsi.
Moderator comment: Great, I come back from doing my urine and
some 'a-hole' has put product placement on the message board
BANNED from the ABC and all its subsiduaries you are (I don't know why I said that like Yoda)
*****
From: Gus
Visit time: 22/04/2006 12:38
Shit, there used to be all this grass here. They cut all the fucking grass!
Moderator comment: It'll grow back Gus, calm down
*****
From: Steve C
Visit time: 21/04/2006 11:50
Hey Dave, I know we're not real close, but I don't know who else to turn to. I have a gambling problem.
I haven't been winning much lately, and I'm running low on cash. Do you reckon you could be a pal and lend me some dosh, mate? I know I'm gonna win soon.
Moderator comment: The universe provides all you need. Casinos take it away
*****
From: Deep Throat
Visit time: 21/04/2006 11:45
I don't want to alarm you. I can't tell you who I am because I signed a non-disclosure agreement. They're trying to shut me up. Don't ask me why I'm doing this; I have my reasons. All I can tell you is don't eat the fucking pizza.
Moderator comment: Thank you. You have reached me just in time. By the way, I'm concerned that the people in the room with me right now are not who they claim to be. Should I excuse myself and exit the building through the bathroom or have some of the garlic bread?
They really want me to have the garlic bread
*****
From: ben
Visit time: 21/04/2006 3:29
i kno how much u love your mashed trax if i sent u a disc with some trax on it would u listen to it ? where shoud i mail it to if your intrested ! love your work dave. carnies rock !!!!!!!!
Moderator comment: Good Day Benjamin.
You can send it to PO Box 9994 Melbourne 3001. I'd love to hear it.
Enclose pictures of your or somebody elses Mum.
*****
From: Matt
Visit time: 20/04/2006 10:09
When we're about to go to bed, my girlfriend starts doing all this sports commentary / pep-talk pump-up shit. It's supposed to be funny, but it really isn't. Before and during, she'll say crap like, "Go team", "Let's work together as a team", "If we pull together, we can do this", "Drop and give me twenty", "I want you to put in 110%", etc, etc, etc. When she yells out "Yes", it's not like "Yes, yes, god yes" -- it's more like "Yes, I'm celebrating the goal I've scored".
You might think this is just another carnie e-mail, but I really do need your advice. I don't want to confront her about it because she kind of scares me, and every now and then she'll say something that makes me feel good.
But it's hardly ever sex anymore, it's just exercise and technique and performance. I have a good coach, and I'm a talented player, especially when I get my game face on. But professionalizing it just takes a lot of the fun out of it, and I can't break myself out of the must-win mentality.
Moderator comment: Does your mum come out with half time oranges?
SHE DOES WITH ME
*****
From: Elly Billiot
Visit time: 20/04/2006 2:53
Please to have me some get back in the wardrobe for you kind sir yes bitch.
Moderator comment: Okay, you can have your Turkish Delight now. IN THE NUDE
*****
From: Paper_bag
Visit time: 20/04/2006 11:03
Here's a personage throwing a stone at a bird:
http://www.mcs.csuhayward.edu/~malek/Miro9.html
Regards,
PB
Moderator comment: That person has no arms and only one leg/eye. This serves them right for throwing stones at nice birds. Flippin personages.
As Slipknot once said, personages equals shit.
*****
From: Comrade
Visit time: 20/04/2006 9:37
Can anyone honestly say that the system has been good for them? I think it's time for the system to go. The system hurts my cock. Keep up the fight against the system brother!
Moderator comment: Dear Comrade,
Your cock was never made for the system. Your cock is free. All your cock need do is walk throough the door. The cage is open.
Hopefully your cock will not be recaptured and forced to engage in prizefights with other cocks.
It is not nice to be stuck between a cock and a hard place.
*****
From: Ms QT Pie
Visit time: 19/04/2006 4:31
Dave, can you change my nappie? I did a poo poo.
PS. I did rude things to the salami sandwich you bought on Tuesday. Hope you didn't notice.
Moderator comment: I don't eat meat you rudey.
Now stop doing poop in your nappy, you are a big person now you can do your poop poops all by yourself
*****
From: Alfie without a computer
Visit time: 19/04/2006 4:25
Hi Dave, my computer is broken, and I'm so starved for net access I'm drawing pictures of the Microsoft logo and
licking them. I haven't touched a keyboard in weeks, and the shakes are getting pretty bad. I'd kill
everyone in the room for a look into the sweet sweet face of a monitor again.
So, can I come over to your place and use yours?
Moderator comment: No, just get a company like 'windscreens O' Brien' to come over to your house and install windows (real ones) on a wall of your house. Then get a mouse (a real one) and tape an arrow to its head and click on the different windows.
*****
From: Chef
Visit time: 19/04/2006 9:11
How would you like to sodomize my black ass? Well, how about I meet you boys after work and we make love? Come on, children! You're my sexual fantasy. Let's all make sweeet love. I specialize in your asshole. I just like to make love up your butt. I want to stick my balls inside your rectum. I'm gonna make love to your asshole, children!
Moderator comment: You're wrong
*****
From: Mr Corleone
Visit time: 19/04/2006 7:34
I spent all of today eating your mum's hotdog. Me likee verrry much!!! Yummy yum yum yum in the belly.
Moderator comment: You're wrong too
*****
From: Robert Stokes
Visit time: 18/04/2006 10:51
Hi DC, I was with your mum last night and she was a lousy lay. Worst flippin' $5 I ever spent! I think you need to give her some more practice.
Moderator comment: Oh, I think someone needs to go to Punch in the face school to learn a few lessons about my fist.
Or maybe we'll play ice hockey and you wont be allowed to wear a helmet and I'm going to fully whack the puck into your teeth and you'll go hey, this puck tastes a bit funny and I'll go yeah, its one of those special blue urine things from the toilet and you'll fully spew and the guy who owns the iceskating rink will go hey you have to clean that spew off my nice Ice, and you spend the next hour cleaning spew off your rental skates and the ice with a uriney taste in your mouth while I have a nice milkshake and some chips with YOUR MUM at the refreshment kiosk IN THE NUDE
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 16/04/2006 2:32
Dave, PaperBag's girlfriend's new Japanese roommate has REALLY noisy sex. That's hot, right?!
He reckons there may have been multiple orgasms.
I reckon he should share this and call in to the show to let Australia have a bit of a listen, next time. What do you think?
Moderator comment: Sounds rude
*****
From: Brokeback Bill
Visit time: 15/04/2006 3:32
Howdy Dave. You might think you don't like it, but I reckon that's because you haven't had a real man yet. I bet I could convert you.
Moderator comment: Dear William,
I have met a real man. His name was 'your Mum'
*****
From: Elly Billiot
Visit time: 14/04/2006 10:30
Please to have me some turkish delight for you kind sir yes.
Moderator comment: Get back in the wardrobe bitch
*****
Sleepless in Sydney
Visit time: 13/04/2006 8:49
Dear Auntie Dave,
My breath is so bad my girlfriend won't let me put my face near her (though I'm allowed to put other things near her).
I've tried various recommendations (mouth wash, breath mints, breath spray, eatng strong food, you name it), but these seem to have only temporary effects.
How do you manage it?
Yours sincerely,
Sleepless in Sydney
*****
From: Sally Ann
Visit time: 11/04/2006 7:39
Dad, why do you use rude words all the time? You've got a poo poo mouth. Mummy says you make baby Jesus cry.
Moderator comment: Flip
*****
From: Watchmaker watchmaker
Visit time: 11/04/2006 12:46
Hi, I don't know if you remember me. i'm from Parramatta, and yuo warned me to get out of the swimming pool before lightning struck me on the nads? Anyway, just thought i'd let you know that that was good advice, because we recently found a poop in the swiming pool.
Moderator comment: You probably did it.
The thought of being lightninged in the nads can sometimes make poop come out
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 11/04/2006 4:37
I pulled all my armpit hair out. Now I'm just like you.
Moderator comment: What? Hot?
*****
From: Stella
Visit time: 10/04/2006 1:59
Hello Dave. Does it look funny when you beard is wet? I think you'd look like a big fluffy St Bernards.
Moderator comment: A hot one
*****
From: Redfern Rob
Visit time: 9/04/2006 6:26
I've just read that the oil companies are deliberately inflating prices during holiday periods. This is bullshit. Holidays are when people need petrol the most. And the quality sucks now. I wouldn't put that shit in my car! The government said we could get cheaper petrol after we killed everyone in Iraq. What the hell is going on?!
So anyway, can you spare me a dollar?
Moderator comment: Yes, you can have a buck, but you have to drive to my house from Redfern so it may be a bit of a false economy.
Anyway, humans don't need cars. There's nowhere in the world you can't get to if you just walk hard enough.
*****
From: New Zealand Press Association
Visit time: 9/04/2006 5:32
Wairakei Pastoral wants to take 83,000cu m a day from the river to irrigate thousands of hectares of commercial forestry land as it becomes farmland.
That is almost twice the average amount that flows through the Waikato pipeline to Auckland drinking, around 50,000cu m a day.
Moderator comment: Shut up you filthy Kiwi
*****
SMS messages from Saturday 8 April 2006
I know an annoying guy called Dave. He's on the radio. [Talkback topic was annoying people named George.]
I had your baby's eyes, Dave you baby eye.
Your mum does good mashups.
To Dave: there's a strawberry in my guitar and a droodle in my sock. -- Allanah in Caboolture
Allanah from Caboolture, to Dave: Pease pease pease.
Yee ha toe-tapping good wholesome fun. You bring the moonshine, I'll bring the spoons to play on my knee. Yee ha, we'll have a good ol' fashioned hootenanny.
*****
From: Cockmonster
Visit time: 8/04/2006 5:59
Hi Dave, I've got a request. I know it's not a request show, but you sometimes say you'll honour good requests.
We're going to need a language warning on this one, so if you're easily offended tune out now.
I really want to hear you take a dump. I know it's weird, but please just do it.
Moderator comment: Whatever, poopy love man
Help this message board is getting weird
*****
From: Indea
Visit time: 5/04/2006 4:03
Dave.... THE new word is Hootenanny or Hoota-nanny
"a whole lot of hoot and a little bit of nanny" meanting part-tae or party. i'm trying to get it used instead of boring old 'party'.
or in your case lol a "hoota-mummy"
Moderator comment: I'm on your side!
I recently got invited to a party and it was called a 'hootenanny' on the invite. I told them it was not a hootenanny, as for it to officially be one of those it requires three men in beards fiddling (with violins - don't be rude) and that technically their party was in fact a 'shindig'.
*****
From: Mabs
Visit time: 3/04/2006 2:42
Dear Dave,
Have you found that packet of cigarettes that you went out to get yet? The kids are starting to miss you and we are running out of soup.
Moderator comment: Different Dave I think. I do not smoke, except in the looks sense.
*****
From: Mr and Mrs Calhaun
Visit time: 2/04/2006 3:05
Dear astronaut, if I send you $50, could you send me a piece of your beard? I promise I'll send it back after I'm done with it.
Moderator comment: What are you going to do with it? You better not clone me and then the pretend me comes after me thinking I'm the clone and it freaks me out and tries to kill me because it thinks I'm a freak and then I point out it must be the clone becuase it has an Australian accent wheras the original me is Irish and then I say 'Real Dave one, clone nil Boo-yah biatch!' And then the clone cries because its an abomination of nature and I realise that I was somewhat insensitive with my 'Boo-yah' and I invite it on my radio show but it keeps wanting to play 'Coldplay' and the flipping 'Streets' so I have to punch it in the head and kill it to death.
In short, no.
*****
From: Smosh
Visit time: 1/04/2006 9:26
ITS MEE (the friend of lizzle) i am also known as the taco master do u like tacos or burritoes more
Moderator comment: No way to burritoes - I'm no Brokeback Mountaineer. Didn't think I'd crack your code DID YOU DAVINCI!
*****
From: Stew Mcleod
Visit time: 1/04/2006 10:19
Morning!
I'm probably (well make that definitely) going to miss the show tonight since I'm on a new and primitive minesite out in the middle of the WA Goldfields. It would not be the first time, however, since I rarely listen to the radio except while driving in my CD-less car. But when I do - boy am I happy to hear your dulcet tones emanating from my crappy speakers... To the point however: Last Saturday night on the show you played a great track based on the tunes Freedom/Take Your Mama/For No-one. In my wonder, awe and foot-tappity excitement, I completely forgot who the artist was. By jingos it'd be be jolly nice of you to let me know who the crazy DJ is...
Love your work love your work
cheers
stew
Moderator comment: I didn't even do a show the night you missed so IN YOUR FACE GOLDFIELDS. Anyway, its by DJ. Earworm and its called 'no one takes your freedom'.
If you have the 'amazing international information super highweb' at your 'primitive' minesite go to www.djearworm.com for downloads.
By jingos you'll love it.
*****
From: Jacques
Visit time: 29/03/2006 9:24
Bonjour Monsieur Callan, je voudrais un carton de fraises, svp. Où est la station de train?
Moderator comment: Bonjour Jaques.
1. Non. fraises cest ne pas dans saison.
2. Certainment. Continuez tout droit et puis tournez a gauche.
*****
From: Triple J news team
Visit time: 27/03/2006 11:29
This just in. Hairy derro escaped from zoo. Described as having huge beard, looking like the paddle pop lion but hotter, with urine stains on trousers. Do not approach the paddle pop lion. Considered unstable and extremely dangerous.
Moderator comment: HEY. SHUDDUP ass splash
*****
From: Triple J worker
Visit time: 27/03/2006 11:25
Next time you fall asleep at your desk, I'm going to get some.
Moderator comment: RUDE
*****
From: M and L
Visit time: 27/03/2006 9:51
Dear King Bowser Koopa,
We know you've hidden Princess Peach in the secret dungeon. You and the Koopalings will never conquer
the Mushroom Kingdom.
Moderator comment: Is that so, you nasty Italian plumbing beyotches? We'll see what my Kong cousins Donkey and Diddy have to say about that.
Press 'a' to continue
*****
From: Armin Meiwes
Visit time: 26/03/2006 5:08
As is known from a videotape we made when we met in March 2001 in my home, I amputated Brandes' penis then I and Brandes ate the penis together before Brandes died. Brandes had insisted that I bite his penis off, but this didn't work, so I used at first a knife that turned out to be too blunt, and then a sharper knife to finally slice the penis off. Brandes tried to eat his share of his own penis rare, but couldn't because it was too tough and as he put it, "chewy". I then sautéed the penis in a pan with salt, pepper and garlic.
Moderator comment: HELP I am in some sort of wierd guestbook nightmare
*****
From: Krista & Adam
Visit time: 25/03/2006 11:38
We think you're awesome Dave - but we weren't sure what you liked like... I thought you had olive skin but you're pale as... Adam thought you'd have freckles and some kind of facial hair - he was closer. Lister reckoned you had a black, curly, greasy mullet... he was wrong... yours is reddish. good night, Dave!
Moderator comment: I don't have a mullet you pansies.
I am a shapeshifter from the planet Hypermax. I saw a picture of the paddlepop lion and I thought, yeah, that'll do.
*****
From: Family First Association
Visit time: 25/03/2006 1:22
Dear Sir,
Regarding your use of the word "flip", I just feel pretty sure the typical Australian family who is listening to the radio with their children and they’re exposed to your language are going to be upset. I don’t want my children to hear that word. It’s a shocking word because we’re not familiar with it. I guess they use it all the time in Ireland, but it’s a foreign language here, so I think it’ll have a negative impact rather than positive.
Cordially,
The Family First Association
Moderator comment: Dear Flippin idiots,
Flip or FLIP can refer to:
A somersault.
Flip jump, a jump in figure skating, gymnastics or skateboarding
Flip (slang), a slang word used to refer to Filipinos
Flip (Little Nemo), a character from the cartoon Little Nemo
Fast-Local-Internet-Protocol.
Fluorescence-Loss-In-Photobleaching.
Fluid-Implicit-Particle, an algorithm used in physics to compute the trajectories of particles moving through a field.
Flip (programming language), a very experimental programming language that features an extremely high level of reflection capabilities
R/P FLIP, a research vessel designed to partially capsize in open ocean.
To flip someone off or to flip the bird - to give someone the finger, a rude gesture.
A flip phone, a mobile phone whose screen can be closed to the body of the phone, or opened upward to use it. The earpiece is at the top of the screen.
In finance, to flip is to buy a security to immediately resell it on a rising market.
Now why don't you flip off
*****
From: Slim pop diddy
Visit time: 25/03/2006 6:35
Shit bitch, I heard you did five of your limp dick comedy shows last week. I couldn't believe my fucking ears. You need to get your lazy,
good-for-nothing, crack-smoking, $20 white whore ass back out there, and start earning me some goddamn money. I got three old men
all asking for you. You gonna feel the back of my pimp hand.
And stop eating those motherfucking protein bars. If you want more protein suck more cock.
Moderator comment: Gosh
And the last people thought 'flip' was rude.
I'll thank you to take your potty typing and GET THEE TO A NUNNERY.
Now good day to you sir. I SAID GOOD DAY.
*****
From: Danny
Visit time: 25/03/2006 2:38
Dear Dave, Was that you I saw comming out of the Bundaneen RSL. Hand in hand with Don Cheetal ??? Hey Hey mate whats going on there I ask you ???
Moderator comment: Look, Me and Don CHEEDLE are just good friends
Its perfectly okay for a triple J man and an academy award nominated African American thespian to enjoy a Shannon Noll tribute act on $5 parma night.
*****
From: Gothgirl69
Visit time: 25/03/2006 1:17
I saw this guy in Melbourne the other week. He looked like you so I took some snaps. Is it really you?
http://www.angelfire.com/goth/ladygirl69/
Moderator comment: Flip
[Note 1: Said link links to explicit image. Not for faint-hearted. Attached note instructs Dave to "Rock out with your cock out".]
[Note 2: Dave is away 1 April. This is a reconstruction of what we think happened (courtesy of Mr Protozone):
Producer: Fucking Dave was looking up gross websites while doing the show, again today!
Dave's boss: Damn. Can't he stay away from that shit at least until he gets home?! OI DAVE!
Dave: Yup?
Dave's boss: Don't come in for the next few weeks, you dirty fucker.]
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 25/03/2006 12:52
"Ubuntu" is an ancient African word, meaning "humanity to others". Ubuntu also means "I am what I am because of who we all are".
Moderator comment: That is the best thing anyone has ever left on my or any other message board. You are now the head of the ABC and all its subsiduaries.
*****
From: Derek Callinan
Visit time: 24/03/2006 10:47
Sometimes I play with my wee wee when I listen to Steph.
Moderator comment: You are banned from the ABC and all its subsiduaries.
*****
From: Sk8ergrl13
Visit time: 19/03/2006 2:55
Sk8ergrl13 says: Hi, asl?
Moderator comment: Do you? Do you really?
*****
SMS messages from Saturday 18 March 2006
Thank you for your recent order in our sex shop. You asked for the large red vibrator as featured on our wall display. Please reselect as that is the fire extinguisher.
Dave, remember that sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.
Oh, you want me to comb your chin. -- Love, Monkey from heaven
From: Lady Ping Pong
Hey there sexy Dave it's Lady Ping Pong here. Do you want to found out what's really in a name?
Lady Ping Pong here. Don't fear the sexually unknown. What if I were wearing tweed and red robin roller skates. Maybe you'd
have more fun knitting with my sexually challenged mother. Love, Lady Ping Pong
Hey Dave, can you give me a call when this show's over. I'll show you why I'm your number one. Thanks for playing Goldfrapp. Lots of sick and
twisted love for you. -- Lady Ping Pong. Don't be ashamed to tell everyone, Dave, I love it.
Hey, you might just know me Dave. Would you like me to call the show and give the listeners something to listen to? -- Lady Ping Pong
Dave darling, I know you're waiting. What do I win for calling other than your flesh?
*****
From: davecarniecallan
Date/time: 18 Mar 2006 8:08:02pm
Good evening carnie's of the internet.
From: davecarniecallan
Date/time: 18 Mar 2006 8:23:42pm
Hello Parviz, you carnie you.
From: davecarniecallan
Date/time: 18 Mar 2006 8:48:51pm
Hi paper_bag.
From: davecarniecallan
Date/time: 18 Mar 2006 9:00:51pm
Goodbye you internet carnies.
*****
From: Magoota
Visit time: 17/03/2006 5:15
Dave,i have always wanted to live the high life and become a Carnie but my hands arent small and I dont smell like cabbage. How can I overcome my problems????
Moderator comment: Just become a ninja
*****
The Sunshine Factory (Part 2)
Monday 17 April to Monday 1 May
Hello, you don't look like the sort of person who could be convinced into
seeing a show simply by a blurb. So take this quote instead.
"Two spectacular minds at work...The performances are first
class, going where most comedy doesn't dare to go." The Age
Okay, you're coming. Bring your friends too or just come normally. The guys are funny and they're handsome, but not so handsome that your
girlfriend will want to run off with them. Not that you can run off and join a lighthouse, it doesn't move. Its not like a
travelling wagon of carnival folk.
Don't miss Dave Callan & Sam Simmons in Part Two of the surreal sitcom set in a
lighthouse. Now made for radio with a live sound effects artist, live music and live electrical cable stage left (don't touch).
*****
From: Aussie Andy
Visit time: 16/03/2006 2:05
Gerday Dave, how you doing, ya carnie?!
Just thought I should let you know:
Datu Miguel Bago, a Manobo tribe leader, arrived here to meet Mangyan Enrique Tupas from Oriental Mindoro, Aeta
leader Lito "Tubag" Jugatan from Botolan, Zambales, Jose "Boy" Anoy of the Timuay tribe in Siocon, Zamboanga del Sur, Rugar Bantacan
of the Batarasa village in Palawan and several hundreds more of the Philippines' tribal and mountain peoples.
Moderator comment: Please say hi to them for me. Except Jose "boy" Anoy, he's a right f*%#er that guy.
*****
From: Lizzle
Visit time: 15/03/2006 2:08
Jave! dude Hey!!!!
Saturday nights eh... might just have to ring up =S
Can ya doooo me a BIG Fave and say HELLO SMOSH next time on air as Smosh hasn't been the
happiest fellow ever this past month. Greatly thanked. Lizzle.
P.s Would you like an egg?
Moderator comment: Jizzle! Dude Hey!!!!
Hope Smosh is feeling happier, will say hi to him this week just for you.
Ps. Okay
*****
From: graveyard dave
Date/time: 11 Mar 2006 7:46:08pm
Hello yonkerders.
You lonely carny.
From: davecarniecallan
Date/time: 11 Mar 2006 8:50:18pm
Good evening carnie's of the net.
*****
From: Dave Callan
Visit time: 11/03/2006 1:32
Hey, so when I go to a public toilet to take a dump, I like to leave the door wide open so I can see who's in the bathroom. Am I the only one?
*****
From: Brokeback Bill
Visit time: 11/03/2006 1:29
Me --> 8====B O <-- Dave
*****
From: Myles
Visit time: 9/03/2006 8:00
Has anyone ever called you big bum, Mr Big Bum?
*****
From: Terrorist Tom
Visit time: Sunday, 5 March 2006 2:43:40 AM
Dave, I just got a pack of chips from the vending machine and they are PAST THEIR USE-BY DATE! For this, you can expect my revenge. I am putting a jihad on you, infidel!
You should know that your attempts are futile. I have received a refund, thanks be to Allah.
Moderator's comment: Flip off you terrorist
*****
Visit time: Saturday 4 March 2006
Dear Eleanor Roosevelt, I think your toes are quite pretty and your dress is quite sweet.
*****
From: Barrister Boga Williams Esquire
Visit time: 25/02/2006 5:21
Dear Mr David,
I have investigated the matter. Please be advised that your sexual beliefs pose no difficulty for your claim from the Ivory Coast government.
I shall call you and your humble wife Kathy tonight to confirm the transfer of your inheritance of USD10.5 million dollars.
Your obedient servant,
Barrister Boga
*****
From: Miss Directed
Visit time: 24/02/2006 8:07
your mum says oh, when i come over
Moderator comment: I come over your Mum, when she says oh.
Don't be surprised if this message board gets taken away from me by the ABC after that last piece of Miss Directed inspired shennanigan
*****
From: Barrister Boga Williams Esquire
Visit time: 24/02/2006 5:12
Dear Mr David,
In accordance with laws of Cote D'ivoire (Ivory Coast) I contact you on mutual grounds believing you will have interest in laying claims to inheritance (USD$1.5M) since all efforts to trace relations has proved abortive over three good years now.
Please to expect my call at the appointed time on Saturday.
I shall detail you further information on the progress made so far as per filing application of clams.
My respects to you and your humble wife Kathy.
Your obedient servant,
Barrister Boga
*****
From: Cookie monster
Visit time: 22/02/2006 10:11
Please don't be alarmed. There are no real cookie monsters available. If you would like to make a booking, contact Stan at 9437-3344. That is all.
*****
From: Father Renji
Visit time: 22/02/2006 1:38
The white goose will hatch at dawn.
You have been warned.
*****
From: Robert Stokes
Visit time: 18/02/2006 3:25
"bate rape":
Telling a girl, preferably one who finds you to be a creep/unattractive, that you've masturbated to her. A play-on-words from "date rape".
guy: You were on my mind all night, allison.
girl: You keep bate raping me and your testicles will not be found again.
*****
From: Some Triple J guy (might or might not be Dave)
Visit time: around Saturday 18 February 2006
Saturday Nights at 6pm
Get ready to enter the whacked out world of Dave Callan's Saturday night party starter.
What do carnies do before they go out? Are they still utterly munted? Find out while hearing the latest party anthems, mashups and remixes from your favourite freak magnet, Dave Callan.
You'll hear from resident carnies Pirate Willie, Steph from Tamworth, and the incredible Ukelele Guy among others.
The callers are insane... The music without equal... This is Saturday night on triple j.
[I reckon Triple J's web designer visited us carnies, because the two he/she mentions are the same as the ones on the front page here, and Pirate Willie hasn't been heard from for some time, and you'd probably only know to spell it "Willie" rather than "Willy" if you came here first.]
*****
From: Buffalo Bob
Visit time: 16/02/2006 9:10
Dave sweetie, got your e-mail. I like what you have to offer, and it would be my honour to bang you. Call me.
Bob
*****
From: grace
Visit time: 12/02/2006 3:22
i was listening to you yesterday. i think im in love with naked boy. he chose two awesome songs. including Blue Orchid which is my favourite song ever known to man and which i saw the white stripes play live.
also. you have an incredibly sexy voice.
incredible.
lovelovelovelovelove grace
Moderator comment: Pick one man you floozy
*****
From: special patrol group
Visit time: 11/02/2006 7:15
If you're playing Cliff Richard, you really might as well complete the wrongness with the Biftek/Julie Cruise version of Wired for Sound.
Moderator comment: That sounds AWESOME.
I'm going to find it.
Thanks for patrolling me in a special way with your group.
*****
From: Susan Cooper
Visit time: 11/02/2006 3:48
I’ve almost eliminated everything from my diet to see if what I’m eating is causing our six-week-old baby to be so unsettled. Nothing has helped and I feel like giving up breastfeeding altogether.
I'm worried that it might be the lemons, but this website claims that citrus is essential to a baby's diet: http://www.lemonparty.org/. Can you take a look and give me your vegetarian opinion?
Many thanks,
Susie C
Moderator comment: Good trick.
Now the ABC are going to fire me because of that site being in my history.
Thanks
*****
From: Little red
Visit time: 11/02/2006 1:52
Attention Big Red:
There is no cheese on my burrito. Please to make more sombreros.
Moderator comment: You need to go to making sense school.
*****
From: Silvia
Visit time: 11/02/2006 1:42
Santa baby, I want juicy!!!!!
NOW!!!!
Moderator comment: No juicy. No.
*****
From: Damir
Visit time: 11/02/2006 1:37
I just want you to know, I know about you, Croatia, and the Vatican.
I'm not crazy when I say this. You are the crazy one who gives me hot sausages when it's 40 degrees celsius outside.
I have thought about dropping a nuclear bomb on you.
You can expect my revenge.
Moderator comment: The only one I gave a hot sausage to was your Mum.
The Vatican officially sanctioned it all and will confiscate your bombs because you are a naughty little poop face.
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 9/02/2006 5:49
Hello.
You're not ham, Sam.
Moderator comment: You can't do Taekwondo, Amondo
*****
From: Matt from Gympie
Visit time: 9/02/2006 5:42
Dear Uncie Dave,
You know how you hate requests because you think they're gay and you always make fun of people? Well, I've got
a non-gay or maybe only a bit gay request. I'd love to hear you singing a Britney Spears song because that would be so fucking
funny, I'd piss my pants at that, and because my girlfriend told me that if I can persuade you to do it I might get lucky. Please
please please do this for me.
Your pal,
Matt from Gympie
Moderator comment: Oh baby baby, what am I supposed to do...
*****
From: Peter Smith
Visit time: 30/01/2006 2:30
Hey Dave,
How's it going? Me and me mates have just started a band, and it's based on one of your ideas. We're in Melbourne, and the concept is to play gothic industrial covers of pop music. At the moment we're working on the Beatles and the Monkees. Could you give us a plug?
The band's name is "The Lemon Party". Our website is
http://www.lemonparty.org/
There's a pic there of us singing a song about the Graveyard Shift. We think the lead singer looks like you.
Cheers! Keep up the great work!
Peter Smith
*****
From: Sammy Pandabear
Visit time: 27/01/2006 11:25
Plop.
Your brain just went plop.
You've got poo on your face, Mr Poodaddy bear.
*****
From: Sex Alien
Visit time: 22/01/2006 6:02
This is just hypothetical.
You find out that you are being probed night after night.
What's the best thing to do? (multiple choice)
Is it: (a) Let anger make you its bitch.
Is it: (b) Get munted on drugs and alcohol, watch some porn, and go play the poker machines.
Or is it: (c) Eat more protein bars, meditate, and make yourself the best Dave that you can possibly be.
*****
From: Ronald
Visit time: 22/01/2006 3:05
You know, it doesn't cost much to jerk off in the McDonald's bathrooms.
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 22/01/2006 2:46
Sometimes I think about what you were like when you were a baby.
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 21/01/2006 5:58
Hi Dave, did you ever notice that condoms are really funny shapes? Why don't they make them the same shape as my cock?
*****
From: Robert Stokes
Visit time: 21/01/2006 5:30
Hey Dave, this is something you've gotta do while you're in Sydney.
One of Felicity French's stars is back in business and has even
improved on the service. You will find her under "Danish Melissa"
advertising in the Daily Telegraph. Here's what's in store.
Melissa has a sultry private apartment in the City. She is dammed
hard to get an appointment with. However it is worth it. She is
probably early 30's, tall, slim and blonde with an almost shaved
pussy. Rates are the usual $120 1/2 hour, $150 3/4 hour, $180 hour.
What you get is NOT usual.
You lie down on your front and Melissa startles you by taking a
drink from what looks like a mug of coffee and then dribbling a hot
fluid up and down the back of your legs. Before I looked round I
thought I was getting a golden shower!. This stuff feels like hot
oil, but is some alternative (water soluble) stuff that does the
same job. She then oils herself generously and begins by massaging
your foot and heel with her pussy. Believe me it feels good. She
then continues by licking up the back of your legs moving up to give
your balls and arse a good tonguing. This is followed by a vacuum
suck of your dick (all from behind remember). After this things get
a little blurry for me but the action comes thick and fast. Action
includes Bangkok style massage of your neck back and legs from her
lean, well oiled bum. Lots of frigging. Quick session with a
vibrator and simulated cum. Lots of beautiful natural French -
particularly memorable when she does it with her mouth full of the
hot stuff. Alittle French kissing (more please!). Sucking off
honey from her tits and pussy. 69 - again - simulated cum.
Simulated sex between her legs. Finally she wips on a condom
(un-noticed) and sits on your aching dick for the finale.
Maybe this isn't as good as it gets, but its pretty damn close.
Enjoy!
*****
From: Master Frank-san
Konichiwa Dave-san, I have a beard, and you have a beard. I think we were born in the same year. And I heard from a friend that you're into Japanese stuff, but I bet I know a lot more about Japanese culture than you do.
I used to be Japanese in a former lifetime. Nah, I'm kidding. But I've got a flipping huge hello kitty collection. I've even got a hello kitty bicycle and desk. I think it's very cute.
I live in Brunswick in Melbourne. If you want to, you can come to my place and we can watch anime and my mum makes great sushi. Email me and let me know.
Sayonara,
Frank
*****
From: Robert Stokes
Hi Dave, here's a list of things I'd like to pork.
-- Big Bird.
-- Stuart Little.
-- Garfield.
-- A zombie.
-- Jesus.
*****
From: Sex Alien
Visit time: 15/01/2006
Mr Dave Callan, Sir, I have just listened to your show for the first time, and I am pleased to say that I enjoyed it immensely.
In fact, I enjoyed it so much that I have discussed the issue with my fellow aliens, and we have all agreed to stop probing you night after night.
We hope that this decision pleases you.
Moderator's comment: Click here.
*****
From: Lauren Hilton
Hi Dave,
It's Lauren. I've been thinking about what you said. A great deal of progress has been made over the past decade in increasing the odds of successful sexual reassignment. The procedure is also far less costly than in the 80s.
When you're ready, I'll be here waiting.
Lucious Lauren likes licking little Dave.
Daring Dave is so brave.
*****
From: Caller #2
Visit time: 14/01/2006 5:53
Dear Dave, we've been hiding food around the office for six months now. The cheezel in the potplant is getting a little mouldy, but the malteezer in the elevator only has a couple of white spots on it. The cheezel reminds me of you.
*****
From: Sexy Steve
Please try not to be too mental. I saw you outside my house again last night. Believe it or not, I didn't take out a restraining order to play "hard to get".
If you love something, set it free, Dave, let me be free!
P.S. Stop sending me psychotic emails!
P.P.S. I still love you.
S-s-sexy Steve
*****
From: donkey
Visit time: 10/01/2006 3:49
wats up dave im bored.
any 1 who pissis dave of will get a flippin punch and ppl who ask for requests can shove it up there flippin ass ps can i request a song drunk on election night. ha and if u say no ill tell your boss u have to so ha ha ha.
rightio pps tocumwall is more then a hole then tamworth it is built in a hole but finley is worse.
ppps dave im no but kisser cause that will feal wird for the both of us but u r funny like realy funny.
pppps u play good song to
bye dave.
i no were u work
Moderator comment: Thank you. I have never had a donkey on the guestbook before.
*****
From: Amondo
Dear Dave,
Sometimes when I masturbate I think of God. Why do I think of God when I masturbate?
*****
From: red poodle
Visit time: 10/01/2006 1:25
Here's two more things that suck:
1. When you're taking a crap, and the water splashes back up on you.
2. When you're opening an envelope, and you discover the sender used a lot of spit.
Moderator comment: There's worse things on earth man. Like going on a light house tour and fully banging your head on a low awning. And the black plague.
*****
From: red poodle
Visit time: 10/01/2006 10:54
Greetings astronaut, here is a list of four things that suck:
1. When your girlfriend encases you in blankets, and farts.
2. When you slide into the train seconds before the door closes, then realize it's the wrong train.
3. When you're sitting at your office desk with an erection, and someone makes you stand up to go to a meeting.
4. When you're sitting on the toilet concentrating, and the guy in the cubicle next door tries to start a conversation.
And here's four things that rule:
1. Taking your boots off after skiing.
2. Your girlfriend asking, "How much energy do you have?"
3. Carnies.
4. Your mum.
Moderator comment: 1. What if you're into farty smells?
2. What if you like random train adventures? Or you find yourself in a carraige full of nazi gold bullion?
3. What if its a meeting with people who consider the erection a sign of authority?
4. What if the conversation is about how to avoid that poo splash you hate?
1. What if you have broken your ankle and it hurts to move it and the boot is on really tight?
2. What if she wants you to run to the shops before they close and you can't find your pants and she says don't worry about the pants just go?
3. What if they just want requests all the time?
4. Indeed she does.
*****
From: Joke Masterette
Visit time: 9/01/2006 11:29
Joke no. 1.
Your mummas so fat that when he walked down the street in a yellow raincoat someone yelled out 'tixi'
p.s your mummas not fat , shes hot 2.
Fatty and skinny went to bed, fatty rolled over and skinny was dead
3.
Something to say to at people if they is mean to you'' why strole when you can roll''
4.your mummas so fat that when she went to the beach all the whales stated singing ' we are family'.
5. fatty and skinny were in the shower. fatty did a loud one and skinny went sour.
i know there not funny so dont suggest i go to the mentl place
Moderator comment: ...
*****
From: Jimmy the stick
Visit time: 9/01/2006 9:59
Dave you use the word munted too often. If you use it one more time I'll ban you from the ABC and all its subsidiaries.
Moderator comment: Damn.
*****
From: Robert Stokes
Visit time: 8/01/2006 7:23
Dear David, I think you need to know about the following sexual practices.
1. Philadelphia fakeout. Maneuver by which a man who is performing *%#@!style intercourse pulls out at the brink of *&^@##$% and &*%# on the recipient's *%#$, implying @#%*&#@. Subsequently, when the recipient turns to *#@& the man, said man *&%#@ on their *&@# and/or other unexpected locales.
"Man, I gave this girl the biggest philly fakeout last night. She was so surprised."
2. Peter Pan. When doing a girl doggystyle the penetrator puts his arms on his hips and continues thrusting as usual thus creating the Peter Pan persona. Once the position has been assumed, Peter Pan should start quoting lines from the movie such as "Just think of happy things, and your heart will fly on wings, forever, in Never Never Land!" or "All you need is thrust and a little bit of pixie dust!" or "If i were you, I'd surrender!".
"Leslie told me that her boyfriend started yelling something about Never Never Land during sex last night. I think she got Peter Panned!"
Moderator comment: 1. zero points out of ten
2. Ten points out of ten.
[The first description originally read: "1. Philadelphia fakeout. Maneuver by which a man who is performing doggystyle intercourse pulls out at the brink of ejaculation and spits on the recipient's back, implying ejaculation. Subsequently, when the recipient turns to face the man, said man ejaculates on their face and/or other unexpected locales." It's a quote from Urban Dictionary.]
*****
From: John Johnson
Visit time: 8/01/2006 3:15
I am 58, married and retired. Because of recent good returns within my superannuation fund, I am in excess of my lump-sum reasonable benefit limit (RBL). I wish to establish an income stream, but I’m not sure what effect this will have on my super account. What do you advise?
Moderator comment: Living in the jungle at one with creation.
*****
From: krazy kalamari
Visit time: 5/01/2006 10:37
Dave you need to update this site if you are going to be on Saturday evenings instead of Sunday mornings.
Moderator comment: Good point well made. NOW SHUT UP OR I'LL BOIL YOU UP IN THE NUDE, SEAFOOD DUDE
*****
From: Amelia
Visit time: 6/01/2006 3:39
Hello Dave,
this one is for the people who wanted to know where yeppoon is. i know, everyone is dying to know exactly where yeppoon is. well it is Located 681 km north of Brisbane and 40 km east of Rockhampton. or for those geography nerds 23.08S 150.44E
and for pictures of our beautiful little town visit my beautiful little web page of www.livejournal.com/users/_superbeast_
Now dave i do have a question for you. As a fellow vegematarian i was pondering, do you wear leather or anything made out of animals?
Amelia lord of the greats.
Moderator comment: Its 'vegematariuM' - Sheesh! At least pronounce it more gooder.
I do not wear any of the following:
Leather Chaps - (made from cow)
Whale bone corsets (made from whale)
Banana skin hats (made from bananas)
fraggle socks (made from Fraggles)
I do have a leopard print cowboy hat. But it wasn't made out of a real leopard. It was made out of cats then dyed.
*****
From: a c-t
Visit time: 4/01/2006 11:20
Hey hows it going im confused about some ppl i was chatting to on a interweb blog thingy thing that was actually me coz i was commenting on myself coz i love myself, any way Iv got a new friend called lauren who is also called lauren like my other friends called lauren but my other friend called lauren might actually be a figment of my imagination who is stalking one of my commenters who are actually me so if i am lauren while still being me then lauren might also be me meaning a now am roughly 5 ppl while still being only me! any how i actually came here to tell u to put on some music that is cool like Wolf Mother or somthing!!
Moderator comment: Forget Wolfmother. Go to where some people can help you.
*****
From: capoonicas
Visit time: 4/01/2006 10:54
i was just wondering how many of my milkshakes it would take to bring all the boys to the yard, compared to how many it would take just for you?
Moderator comment: Approximately pie times as many milkshakes. So If I had ten milkshakes with which to bring all the girls to the yard, you would require 31.7 milkshakes to bring the same amount of girls to your yard. I could teach you... but I'd have to charge.
*****
From: Sam Headon
Visit time: 4/01/2006 7:55
DAvid please call me i live in a shit hole and i need someone to whinge to *censored*
Moderator comment: No because you're covered in poo.
*****
From: Matt from Gympie
Visit time: 24/12/2005 12:45
Dear Uncle David, have you ever played GTA?
After you've jacked some wheels and are driving it round the hood, you can listen to different radio stations. And one of the stations gets crazies calling up! I was playing this game yesterday and laughing my freaking nuts off, I nearly pissed my pants. It totally reminded me of the Graveyard Shift!
If you don't get enough at work, I highly recommend you hook up to GTA to heighten your crazies dosage, as well as beat grannies with baseball bats, kill cops and bang hookers. My girlfriend thinks it's fucked up, but I know a lot of girls who like playing it, so maybe I should get a new girlfriend!
Hope you have a very merry Christmas!
*****
From: fred from alaska
Visit time: 23/12/2005 10:06
evening david. it is i, frederick from the alaskian suburbs. did i spell my name right? i could look it up but then that would defeat the purpose of my question.
anyway the point of my soul being here on this here thing here is that i called up last week with my awesome tonsillitis voice and got disconnected and had a small stroke and died. i don't think that the chicky babe that answered the tripular j telephonic device believed that my name was fred, hence the "i don't think you're really fred" statement. bitch. (just joshin i am a decent man)
it's too early in the night to call you up, that's when most of the secret government types tune in.
please excuse my lack of grammar as i have to be quick because i just downloaded my favourite episode of queer as folk with my wicked broadband connection.
the new season of both stargate sg1 and atlantis starts in february.
peace in the middle east, fred from alaska.
ps have yourself a merry little christmas.
pps i didn't include my email SO YOU CAN'T SEND ME THOSE SECRET CRUSH THINGOS. i totally know it was you. i'm connected, sister.
Moderator comment: Dear Frederick from Alaska,
We the government of the entire world are right now SCOURING ALASKA FOR YOU. You will be discovered in time. If only you had not been so foolhardy as to state your country of residence. You have also choosen a very sparsely populated land, so it is only a matter of time before we discover your exact whereabouts.
Then we will put you in a tiny box and make you listen to 'Rouge Traders' songs over and over until you cry as a nasty experiment of the human resolve.
Then we are going to wee right into your broadband connection so that you cannot download any more Richard Dean Anderson programmes.
Then we will laugh and have happy cups of tea while the experiments continue. IN YOUR ALASKAN FACE FRED.
[This might be the first Fred from Alaska message.]
*****
From: Luci
Visit time: 23/12/2005 2:38
I love panda's, they are currently my reason for living. A while back on the show someone called about there panda cult, and something was said about sending invitations. I would much like to join this cult of the panda's so i can fullfill my fantasies and be an official panda lover. The Red shirt with pandas is not enough.
p.s.
Dave.. you are my idol.
Peace.
Moderator comment: Pandas are my idol.
I have heaps of their merch.
I went to China to see some and I got really nervous before I went into the panda area. You know that feeling where you're about to go into like a building where your favourite band is going to play? Thats how I felt.
I hope the cult of pandas people ring back. Maybe they take their cult so seriously they just do nothing but roll around eating all the time.
*****
From: Paper_bag
Visit time: 18/12/2005 4:56
Extracts from review of Joe Nickell’s "Secrets of the Sideshows":
"[F]lip to page 173 and ... have a gander at 'Popeye' Perry, a prepossessing black man in a ruffled tux - popping his eyeballs out of their sockets. Women are especially prone to Mr Perry’s unique charms, as I can attest, having seen his act many times. According to Nickell, Perry once popped out an eyeball, making a woman faint. He waited until she recovered, bent over, then popped out both eyes simultaneously, making her faint again ... When twins do not fully develop, Siamese or otherwise, you get what is known in sideshow slang as a 'one-and-a-half,' where a partially developed body without an upper torso sticks out of the chest or stomach. An East Indian, known simply as Laloo, dressed the half-twin sticking out of his breastbone as a female, even though it possessed a rudimentary penis reportedly capable of erections. If pondering Laloo’s sex life isn’t preoccupying enough, think about Myrtle Corbin, who had two small legs hanging between her own and two vaginas, which bore three children from one, and two from the other ... [F]or secrets closer to the surface you will be more than satisfied to learn from Nickell that Francois Battalia, who ate stones like popcorn, every few weeks 'voided a great quantity of sand.' Or, before you swallow and regurgitate a live mouse, you must first blow smoke in its face as a tranquilizer so it won’t gnaw into your stomach lining."
http://www.nthposition.com/secretsof.php
Moderator comment: I ALWAYS blow smoke in the face of a mouse before I put it anywhere in my body. It would be rude not to. Sometimes I dress my doodle as a lady, even though its clearly a male doodle.
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 15/12/2005 6:11
Salutations.
Was thinking about your beard.
It's hairy.
Looks sweaty and itchy.
Can hide small animals in it.
Can store food for later.
Did you shave it off for Beardovember? Or did parallel universe Dave grow one?
Moderator comment: Things you said that were true.
1. You were thinking about my beard - this is evident from the remainder of your message.
2. Its hairy - also true.
3. Sweaty and itchy - a lie. It is clean fragrant and enjoyable.
4. They have to be very tiny. Sometimes birds perch in it like in a Disney movie.
5. Can store food for later - only tiny amounts. like maybe about three kool fruits.
6. I did not shave it off. Parralell universe Dave did.
*****
From: The pope
Visit time: 14/12/2005 1:55
Bless you for letting that munted guy talk for 10 minutes last Saturday.
Moderator comment: Ten minutes of a drunk guy trying to sell me a car. Top radio that.
*****
From: MaryK
Visit time: 12/12/2005 9:35
Hi Dave,
Love your accent! You should totally get a job as a phone sex operator, because that would be hot.
Moderator comment: I'm too busy washing my car in my bikini
*****
From: Stephan
Visit time: 11/12/2005 4:50
Dave, for the record, are you or are you not Santa Claus?
Moderator comment: I am not allowed to talk about secret things.
Lets just say I've been checking a certain list twice. Thats all.
Don't leave fruitcake out, I hate that shit.
I get enough fruitcake hosting this show.
*****
From: Rob the Troog
Visit time: 11/12/2005 2:36
Dear Mr Dave Callan aka Stroong the Destroyer. I don't actually listen to your show, but I like the cut of your beard. Would you look naked without it?
Moderator comment: No, I would just look clean shaven.
I would look naked without my beard.
*****
From: Matt from Gympie
I have a recurring dream...
*****
From: Amondo
What's an elf?
Are you an elf?
Are you my mum?
Moderator's comment: I think it's...
*****
From: Lauren
Visit time: 24/11/2005 1:41
Hey bro. Only just realised that you actually do a show on Saturday arvos. Or is
that Sundays? Oh flip. Anyway, I have this earth moving question for you to elucidate us
all on: How often do you cut your hair, trim your beard, or do you........never?
Yes, its trivial, yes its stupid, but I'd be happy to talk shit with you anytime.
Moderator comment: I trim my beard every two weeks. I never trim my actual head hair.
*****
From: Elizabeth Flippin'
Visit time: 23/11/2005 11:56
Christmas Gift Shopping List
Steph from Tamworth........a rhinestone g-string or a one way ticket to the destination of her choice
Steph from Tamworth's Mum.......a frontal lobotomy! She turned Dave down! What the flip was she thinking?
Anne-Marie Elizabeth Taylor........a nickname
Caveman..........taxi vouchers to NA and AA meetings
Fred from Alaska......large coloring in books on black holes and invites to parties thrown by Quantam Physicists or a smashing new doonah
Paper Bag.......unlimited sexual favours
Polly Chester.....soundproofing for her apartment
Maddie.......new party shoes
Pirate Willie.......party frock
Protozone........sunscreen
Brandy..........new black whip
Dave......private jet, tardis, personal assistant whose skillbase includes organic vegetable gardening, chefing,
massage therapies and is currently the world authority on time travel.
Moderator comment: Flippin good work. Except its Ann Marie Elizabeth Trone. All my stalkers
have to have 'Elizabeth' in their name. Its kind of a rule.
I have a feeling Steph from Tamworth's location of choice would be a star-spangled rodeo.
Protozone should get a small gold statue of a coles myer employee aswell. I don't know why. It would just
be dissapointing to only get sunblock.
[Elizabeth, sorry if I misled you on Anne-Marie's name. Thanks for the Christmas present, and I think you deserve a trip to Melbourne to meet Dave and watch the universe end.]
*****
From: Rossco
Visit time: 20/11/2005 2:11
Hey Dave,
Just heard you mention those of us listening in the US. Well that includes me as i am in Utah right now listening online. Keep
up the top work buddy
Moderator comment: Are you in salt lake city? Do you have multiple wives? Or multiple mums?
Then I could go 'your MumS are'. That would rule.
*****
From: Maddie from Yeppoon
Visit time: 20/11/2005 3:07
Hey dave maddie ere my good chap
im sad to see youre doing shows in the afternoon with a producer so i dont call because im to scared. Will you
be my adopted father dave? i need one. i went and hippy all danced at a folk festival tonight and got bitten by ants,it was grout.
well dave i must leave to go to another website, i hope to see you soon back on the early sunday morining shift. see you then :)
Moderator comment: I will only agree to be someone's father if I can dress up in black and have laser sword battles with them.
Do not be scared of the producer, you are fully a part of the GY legacy.
The shows are not the same without a small taste of Yeppoon.
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 19/11/2005 6:18
Dave, sometimes when I wipe my butt, I have a look at what I've wiped off. What do you call that?
Moderator comment: Why don't you smell it and lick it you idiot. I am going to fully Aikido you in the leg, as long as you're not covered in your own shit.
*****
From: The King of Durka Durka
Visit time: 19/11/2005 3:57
Here's that site you wanted.
The Extender is easy to apply, painless in usage and cannot be seen beneath loose fitting trousers. The Extender increases both penis length and girth. It is the only proven and documented method to enlarge your penis without surgery or even seeing a doctor.
Say goodbye to your insecurities. Get it now and get bigger!
Moderator comment: Does the Queen of Durka Durka know about this?
And are you saying that the Durka Durkese are a bunch of tiny penised peoples? Thats the subtext I'm reading your royal highness.
Any ways, good luck with the doodle.
Love Dave, king of cock.
Oh, thats king of cock - not in a gay way, just my wanger is big and nice. Oh, not that I think wangers are nice, I mean mine is, but I don't want to kiss it or anything. If I did though, I could, I wouldn't need one of your products to do so.
Okay. Hope thats cleared up everything.
*****
From: Fred
Visit time: 19/11/2005 2:01
Drink to me only with thine eyes
And I will pledge with mine.
Or leave a kiss within the cup
And I'll not look for wine.
Love,
Fred
Moderator comment: The thirst that from the soul doth rise
Doth ask a drink divine;
But might I of Jove's nectar sup,
I would not change for thine.
Love,
Dave
Ps, are you a man Fred or a woman Fred. I just want to know if I should reverse out of gaytown or not
*****
From: pat egan
Visit time: 18/11/2005 10:36
Dave, What are the carnis. Are they carnivores or are they carnival workers? I don't get to listen to
the graveyard shift (too pissed) only hear about them on J and the Dr.breakfast radio.Love your work
in the morning.
Pat
Moderator comment: They are carnival workers, but I would not be surprised if they exclusively eat meat.
*****
From: Jack
Visit time: 18/11/2005 6:30
Hi Dave,
I finished uni exams on Wednesday and got incredibly drunk. For some reason i
wrote you a message on here and i think i gave you my mum's phone number.
Could I ask you not to publish her number on your
site (although you are welcome to it for your own personal use)
thanks
Moderator comment: Drunkeness. It makes everything seem like a good idea. Like hooking your
mum up with random radio men. Or leaving your Mum's number in a place where computer literate carnies can get it.
You big Dumbo. (ps. Me and your Mum are very happy)
*****
From: Jack and Steph from Brisbane
Visit time: 16/11/2005 11:39
Hey Dave,
Me and my girlfriend lie riveted to your show ever time you penetrate the airwaves, in eager anticipation of what will come next.
Are you a soccer enthusiast? did you wet yourself when the situation pronounced itself of Australia qualifying for the world cup.
Anyway, my mum is unsatisfied and waiting for your call. her mobile number is 0418799061. Her phone is set to vibrate. Go for it.
Jack and Steph
Moderator comment: I DO NOT LIKE SOCCER. If you ever mention soccer to me again I will make eat a big poo pie containing the poo of at least three animals.
From: Vegematarian
Visit time: 16/11/2005 12:39
Hello David.
My poo poo is green.
Is your poo poo green as well?
Moderator comment: OH GOD
You want to know what colour my poo poo is? Well you will know because I'm going to do a piece RIGHT IN YOUR EYE
*****
From: Becky
Visit time: 15/11/2005 11:50
I'm sorry for swearing at you before Dave. Bit I admite, having you swear back made me hot.
I love my mummy, Yessiree!
She is very good to me!
Her hugs and kisses are oh so sweet,
I think my Mummy is really neat.
Oh, oh, oh, who wouldn't know,
Oh, oh, oh, who wouldn't know,
That I love my mummy and she loves me,
That's the way it's supposed to be!
Moderator comment: Thanks for the poem nutbar.
Now write one about me, this isn't a godamn message board for your Mum (sweet though she is)
*****
From: Paper_bag
Visit time: 15/11/2005 12:33
Hey Dave, I've just started a Graveyard Shift fanpage at http://www.oocities.org/yourmumisacarnie/.
Among other things, I've posted some biographical information for you, and will post soundbites from the show. Have a look and
let me know if you object to any of the content.
Moderator comment: You're pretty much the president of my life.
*****
From: bubbaloo simpolax
Visit time: 14/11/2005 7:47
dave, why is it that we always seem to aim for the left over pieces of feaces in the toilet when we take a piss. is this just me?
Moderator comment: Okay, you're pretty much banned from triple j 'bubbaloo simpolax' if that is your real name.
*****
From: Granny flipper
Visit time: 13/11/2005 3:29
Dave, I have a problem. I often see these really hot babes in the street, and then then turn around and I realize they're 70 years old. The little guy goes soft straight away. What should I do?
Moderator comment: SHUT UP or I'll hurt you right in the face.
*****
From: Richard Adams
Visit time: 13/11/2005 3:24
My mates take Es almost every time they go out, sometimes speed and coke as well, and have been doing so almost 10 yrs. Most have families, all have jobs, and none of their use or abuse of drugs has caused any problems except for one of our mates who is in jail for murder.
Moderator comment: The funny thing about es and other drugs is that you are
paying money and BRAIN CELLS MORE IMPORTANTLY to fool yourself into THINKING you're a) hot b) having a
good time while you're actually talking to some lame guy who turns aout to be an apprentice butcher from Bendigo.
As an alternative I suggest Astral Projection, going for a nice awareness walk in the park, remembering your
dreams (they are quite trippy) and working out with free weights.
All of this will make you feel good.
F*#kin drugs. You do know the problem, right? There are no positive role models in music who are clean. Phil Collins
should take heroin, then it wouldn't be cool.
*****
From: Markus Landvogt
Visit time: 13/11/2005 1:44
My grilfriend is annoyed at me because I keep calling her "Dave" in bed.
Moderator comment: I keep calling her by your Mum's name.
From: The King of Durka Durka
Visit time: 12/11/2005 4:42
Dear Friend,
As you probably know, I am the King of Durka Durka. The Swiss government and
other European country are trying to freeze my assets.
For this reason kindly furnish us your contact information, that is your
bank account, personal telephone and fax number for confidential purpose.
Good luck and God bless,
The King of Durka Durka
Moderator comment: Oh hello King Durkha Durkha, it would be an honour for me to festoon you
with my bank account. Can I please have access to your Royal Godamn treasury and it better be
full of godamn diamonds not those fake cubic zirconias, I can tell the difference, also, are there any single
yummy Durkha Durkhese princesses for me to get into a marraige with.
Love Dave
*****
From: Amondo
Visit time: 12/11/2005 2:45
Dave, I put $2 into the vending machine to buy some Nobby's porky bits for $1.70, but it won't give me any change. Why are you doing this to me?
Moderator comment: Shut up and eat shit Amondo
*****
From: Capoonicas
Visit time: 11/11/2005 4:32
yes
Moderator comment: no
*****
From: krazy_kalamari
Visit time: 11/11/2005 2:30
Hello Dave,
Do you remember me?
I am krazy kalamari from the Triple J music forum. Last time I phoned, you said that I sounded like Stephen Hawking.
How are you?
I enjoy listening to your program each weekend. You are my favourite comedian.
I am going to be doing a playlist for both Declan and Chris and your Sunday arvo show.
Keep up the great work.
Moderator comment: Hello
Yes
I remember. You do
Thanks. Thank you.
Good idea.
I will.
*****
From: Jimmy
Visit time: 9/11/2005 10:50
Hey Dave, I've got a joke for you (your mum's a joke):
Why couldn't the anarchist draw a straight line?
Because he didn't have a ruler.
(Oh Noes!!! it's 9/11!)
Moderator comment: Okay no more jokes or I'll punch you until you're all lopsided.
*****
From: Becky
Visit time: 9/11/2005 8:24
Dave, I've noticed that you told me to do some macrame instead of watching porn.
Do you realise how many painful, disturbing memories you just brought up then?
When I was in yr 6, I was in an opportunity class, for 'gifted student'. Do you want to know what Mrs
Ashton made us do. Macrame a pot plant hanger. With this ugly black rope shit. God it was painful.
She also made up learn the Kilngon language from Star Trek. And she yelled at me for throwing my museli bar to the brids. Old cunt.
Moderator comment: Thats it, you're banned from the abc and all of its subsiduaries for that. Now wash your mouth out potty fuck.
Aw now you've got me swearing. Why didn't you call her a c*#t in Klingon?
*****
From: Capoonicas
Visit time: 9/11/2005 2:24
Dear Dave, I was just wondering why you never call me? i seem to be the only one in this relationship putting in, no pun intended, i think maybe it is time we started seeing other people. it's not me dave its you. these things just happen, lets move on and remember the happy times.
Moderator comment: Could it be because YOU'RE MENTAL AND I DON'T KNOW YOU
*****
From: Becky
Visit time: 7/11/2005 1:02
Dave, I'm a young university student. Some nights, when I should be doing work, I don't. I look at porn. Is it weird for a young lady such as myself to look at porn..on a regular basis? It makes me hot.
Moderator comment: Why can't you just macrame a duck like a normal teenager.
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 6/11/2005 1:13
What happened to the Sunday night Graveyard Shift? How can you call it "The Graveyard Shift" if it's in the day time?
Oh yeah, the suns up, birds are chirping and having sex... SCARY STUFF!!
Come back, please. I'm not coming to work next week unless you're on at the same time.
Moderator comment: Did you get fired?
[Note: A sound file of Dave's response to this is available.]
*****
From: Fez
Visit time: 6/11/2005 3:24
Afternoon bearded warrior
It appears that your supposed 'graveyard' shift is on during the day, at first i seemed to think that i
napped 8hrs longer than i expected. Am i in the flippin twilight zone or has it just been a long day studying the venom arts at yooni.
Out
Moderator comment: What the hell is the venom arts? Is that a type of kung fu?
You're going to need it because I'm going to use my fist of the north wind strike on your solar plexus. Then when you're trying to regain your breath I'll pull your pants down and run away and leave you standing there heavy breathing with your pants down and the police will come and arrest you for being a weirdo.
*****
From: Edward
Visit time: 27/10/2005 6:51
Grrr, Callan trod on my mothers foot in a comedy club in Perth, I've half a mind to serve him a knuckle super
Moderator comment: Come on then. People called Edward are easy to beat. Do you mean Knuckle SUPPER? Because I have a whole asian smorgasboard breakfast of kung fu moves for your sorry ass. *rips off shirt in one fluid motion*
*****
From: Protozone
Visit time: 26/10/2005 9:41
Dave, you totally cut off that dude with the boat story. I know this because he later called back, declared that he was the guy
with the boat story, and you said "You've got eight seconds".
He replied "actually, now it would be five".
You said "No, three", and then cut him off.
He was one of the best carnies ever. I loved the way he got all pissed off at you for not paying proper attention to his
going-nowhere, imaginary story. He will be missed.
Moderator comment: Oh yeah, he was lame. His shitty little story had no substance.
Maybe you should marry him if you love him so much. And then you can both wear bras or something.
*****
From: Gillis the retired emo kid
Visit time: 24/10/2005 7:35
hey due thanks for letting me defend emo and all if i ring u this saterday night and get thro can i play u the bands latest demo witch only featers my self never trust emo kids to get the day of skool evan if thay proims that there parents will let them have the day off so yeah the songs about reading books flowers and walking in the park
Moderator comment: Lay off the pot.
*****
From: Strongbad
Visit time: 23/10/2005 3:20
TROGDOOOORRR!!!!
Trogdor was a man,
or maybe he was a dragon man!
Or maybe he was just a dragon,
but he was still Trugdor!!!!
Burininating the country side,
burninating the peasents.
Burninating all the people,
burninating cottages!!!!
Cottages!!!!!
And Trogdor comes in the night!!!!
Moderator Comment: Your Mum comes in the night.
*****
From: Justin
Visit time: 16/10/2005 11:57
Hi Dave, I work for A newsagency in Noosa on the sunny coast and while drivin obviously listen to the graveyard shift, Just wanted to say Thanks Dave for a flippin hilarious few hours while Im working and to a big part of your callers too, weed out the ones that suck and you have some pretty funny individuals ringing up and make my job on a sunday worthwhile. You rock Dave thanks again
Moderator comment: The ones who suck are really persistent and make me put them on air and then they have flip all to say and it makes me so mad I want to punch a cow in the face.
*****
From: Ben from Bendigo
Visit time: 24/08/2005 7:27
Hi Dave. Just wanted to let you know I love listening to your show. I am a poor writing student who is forced to work the graveyard shift at a
service station every second weekend (otherwise I would starve considering the pittance Centrelink gives me). So listening to your
show is essential.
I enjoy your taste in music (apart from that David Bowie shite from Labrynth) and amusing repartee with the various cretins that phone
you up. Keep up the good work mate.
Ben C
Moderator comment: Dance Magic Dance is one of the best songs ever written. Don't make me come down to your servo
and throw all the pies on the floor and stamp on them so they burst out of the packets and push your face in it like a naughty
doggie. Then I'll squirt the sauces in your underpants and you'll have to sit there the entire shift being MR.
Saucy pants pie face.
PS. I don't mean this to sound sexual. If you get exited by the idea I'm not doing it.
*****
From: TRIPOD
Visit time: 14/08/2005 8:42
i dont have anytihng to say so bugger off
Moderator comment: Oh great. You have nothing to say so I have to bugger off? How in the hell does that work?
I really want to slap your mouth hard right on the top lip and then sqeeze a teabag in your eye and you feel all stingy when you try and open your eye and it sucks being you for a while then your eyes stop being blurry and you can focus just in time to see me closing in for a giant running nut punch.
*****
From: Mal
Visit time: 14/08/2005 4:15
Dude,
Hows it going? I'm listening from Scotland on the nett...about to go out and do some serious drinking. Anyway, youve got to get the jakey
dude back on the phone with the story...the dude who is dead...I have never laughd so much in my life...I'm talking about tears streaming
down my face. Is he banjcaxed or what! Fantastic...but I need to know what happens!
Hey, can you say hello to the boys in 71 Station road, Indooropilly in Brisbane from Scottish Mal.
All the best,
Mal
Moderator comment: Banjaxed! Thats the best expression for drunk ever, with New Zealands 'munted' coming a close second.
*****
From: DAs Pixx
Visit time: 14/08/2005 3:36
if you were to make sex with a processed meat to save the life of the woman you love what meat would it be? and we don't have that you can choose ham because we belive it taken from pig and just smoked.
Moderator comment: Huh? I think you're the one that has 'just smoked'.
*****
From: col
Visit time: 14/08/2005 1:59
hi dave sometimes it must be hard in your job how do u manage to stay calm .when I grew up in the shire(actually we were lucky and we were over the hacking,still in the shire) before it became yuppy territory it was the sticks all the shire was the sticks and people were proud of the shire but today its sad may as well call it melrose place or something.please dont cheapen the shire anymore than it has done to itself they aren't carnies of the week , cant even think of a 'title' for them,anyway, enjoy your evening dave good luck with the real carnies
Moderator comment: I like they way only your first and last sentances made sense. That was like one great big 'what the hell are you talkin about' sandwich.
*****
From: tommyboy
Visit time: 7/08/2005 5:58
when are you going to have the graveyard shift on streaming audio?
Moderator comment: When you defeat me in battle in the nude.
*****
From: jess
Visit time: 7/08/2005 1:17
dearest david callin.
you make "your mum" jokes.
they are hott.
i drew a picture of a shoe.
thanks,
jess
xoxo
Moderator comment: Your mums a shoe
*****
From: stephanie from tamworth
Visit time: 10/04/2005 4:50
good morning dave i think your the koolest ever to the guy/s this morning that said orange should be taken off the map. orange cany
possibly be as bad as tamworth man its shit here ok yes we have the country music festival but do you think that you could put up
whith fucking bogans for 2 weeks i dont think so hmm i win tamworth is shitter then orange love stepho ps dave keanu reeves is
ugly pps dave your hott
Courtesy of "Dee & Laura"