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The Rally of the Pharaohs: An Analysis of the Driving Habits and Styles Prevalent in Cairo

Many newcomers to this ancient and unique city find themselves initially fascinated in a somewhat morbid manner with techniques employed in driving. This paper was compiled with the express intent of easing the Cairo novice into the driver's seat, mainly through a brief discussion of some of the less orthodox strategies currently in employ in the guise of a list of pointers.

It is the author's hope that this list will also serve as an acceptable refresher for the grizzled veteran; carnage takes practise after all. But onwards.i

1.Appearance is Everything

This does not mean what it initially seems to mean. Appearance here does not refer to the price and condition of the vehicle you commandeer so much as the aura you are personally projecting. There will be someone watching you at that stoplight, and their subsequent method of automotive conduct with you will depend to a great degree upon what they are seeing.

Stopped at the intersection and glancing over at your neighbor, it might seem like a decent and civilised thing to do to smile and wave – this is, unfortunately, more likely to land you wheels-up in a ditch half a kilometer or so past the intersection. The most effective strategy today is beyond doubt an emulation of the behavior associated with chronic substance abuse. Droopy eyelids, a little spittle on the chin and an inability to keep one's head up presents a somewhat intimidating image that should keep you out of that ditch. The more adventurous amongt us will opt for props such as syringes dangling from the rear view mirror or sniffing (but not too hard) at unbranded packets of powdered sugar. Slapping the inside of the elbow is good too.

2.God gave you that klaxon so you could use it

The horn in the car you are driving should not be regarded as a device of occasional utility; it is a medium in and of itself.

Much as Brazilians have football deeply imprinted in their genetic code, so doea the average Egyptian have an innate talent for exploring the potential of the klaxon and devising new uses. Impromptu musical composition cook-offs are conducted all the time; this is gaining acceptance as a means of admittance into the percussion section of the Cairo Symphony Orchestra.

In a country where interent access, though booming, is still something of a rarity, the versatile klaxon has filled a profound need within egyptian society for low-cost broadcasting. While it takes a fair command of colloquial arabic to even begin to understand this rich new method of communication, it is easily distinguishable from the average cacophony by its signature ataccato style. And if the talking horn goes without response, then you can assume two things: that you are the intended recipient of the message, and that the message contains an elaborate commentary on members of your immediate/extended family and/or ancestors.

3.The rate at which your chosen vehicle can accelerate is proportional to the rate of acceleration of its depreciation.

The rate of turnover in automibile possession in Egypt is astronomical; there are good reasons for this. The underlying logic is curious but sound enough; it rests on the basic tenet that a new car, bought today and regardless of model or make, will be worth precisely 2 egyptian pounds in eighteen months. The corollary here is, of course, that the more expensive the car you just bought, the less time it will take for the egyptian street culture to thoroughly leave its mark.

Thus, if you buy yourself a nice new Jaguar today and your neighbor invests in a top loading washing machine and sticks wheels and an arm chair on it and drives it around, chances are that in 18 months you will consider an exchange fair game. An exchange, that is, of a pristine one-seater washing machine for the remains of your precious english luxury vehicle.

The Egyptian street is the great equalizer.

4.Real Men Don't Stick to One Lane

Lanes also are another supporting medium for expressing creative urges. If you are driving something that won't go above 70 kilometers an hour, it is considered standard operating procedure to bob madly from the left-most lane to the right-most one and back again, thereby making the lives of those passing you all the more interesting. It's a rare bonus if you loosen the nuts holding your wheels in place so that they wobble around; good psychological intimidation ploy.

Public bus drivers are the real gurus of lane hogging; these vehicles have mostly been specially adapted to hurtle ahead at frightening speeds in a diagonal fashion, with the rear wheels occupying an entirely different lane from the front set; absolute wizardry.i

5.Traffic lights are amusing existentialist monuments to futility

You are merely contributing to the local culture by running red lights. Don't let the fellow in the police uniform throw you; he is not shouting and flapping his arms out of anger or outrage at your breach of the law. He is merely playing his part in this charming local custom. This will usually also involve squinting at your license plate and scribbling something on a crumpled up piece of paper; no cause for alarm, again, the poor chap is not taking down your license plate number. This is all just for show, to please the crowd who have come to expect such subtle expresions of futility.

It is interesting to note the urban legend of one green traffic cop in 1982 who actually did attempt to fine a driver for running the stoplight. The story goes on to suggest that his dismembered ghost materializes under the driver's seat just as cars pull up to a stop at red ligts, and proceeds to jam the accelerator down.

6.The colloquial arabic term for 'pedestrian' translates literally to 'hood ornament'

No explanation necessary here, really. Vast segments of the population consider it an everyday occurrence to spend a certain part of the day sprawled awkwardly across the bonnet of someone's automobile; it is almost an accepted method of transport.

In conclusion, the average driver in Cairo would do well to take these ruels of thumb to heart when navigating the asphalt jungle. We cannot all drive 400 horsepower 4x4 race cars through the western desert, but we can certainly amuse ourselves with automotive Vlad the Impaler and Marquis de Sade impressions. Bombs away!

Youssef M. Assad - 17th of July 2002

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