5th of October 2003
10:23 a.m.
The Israeli Air Force strikes what
Syrian authorities call a Palestinian refugee camp a few kilometers
outside Damascus.
10:35 a.m.
The Israeli government issus a
statement claiming this alleged refugee camp was in fact an Islamic
Jihad training camp.
10:36 a.m.
Damascus releases a statement
expressing the sincere sentiment that the Israeli government is
probably full of many different varieties of excrement, and in
different stages of petrification too.
10:56 a.m.
The Israeli government issues a
statement declaring that they have declined to stoop to the depths of
mudfighting with Syrians and have successfully resisted issuing
retorts for twenty minutes as of time of issuing this release.
Furthermore, they state that they intend to continue ignoring Syria's
puerile attempts at inciting international crisis by potty mouth.
11:03 a.m.
Syrian media responds with statements
to the effect that they are not puerile.
11:15 a.m.
British Prime Minister Tony Blair eats
chocolate-flavored cereal for breakfast and wonders idly when George
will wake up. Britain still does not know how it is expected to react
to this latest conflagration in the middle east.
11:15 a.m.
American President George W. Bush has a
bad dream about himself doing something vague, intelligent, and
rather noble. Continues sleeping after getting that feeling that
'this is just a dream'.
11:30 a.m.
The Israeli Cabinet gathers for an
emergency meeting to draft a response to the unwarranted and illegal
acts of Syrian aggression.
11:34 a.m.
The Syrian parliament, not used to
doing any sort of independent thinking, sits around twiddling thumbs
and composing flamenco tunes on the new guitars they had ordered,
waiting for the president to wake up, eat his chocolate flavored
breakfast cereal, come to terms with the fact that his country has
been attacked, practise guitar a little, and do something.
This goes on for a fairly long time, and we will disregard the Syrian parliament from now on, since they don't really do much and no one listens to them anyhow.
12:01 p.m.
Li Bao Tzu, Chinese Spanish guitar
supplier to the Syrian Parliament, correctly recognises the
developing crisis as a threat to his revenue stream and lodges a
formal complaint with the Chinese trade representative in the United
Nations.
12:33 p.m.
President Asad of Syria calls for a
press conference at three o'clock.
12:34 p.m.
The International Chihuahua Racing
Federation becomes aware of the crisis and begins to issue a series
of press releases which most people would agree make as much sense as
those issued by Israel, Syria, Security Cabinet permanent members,
and some guy called Georgie in Liverpool.
12:38 p.m.
President Mubarak, confused by the
chutzpah Israel displayed in attacking Syria then complaining about
Syrian aggression, takes off to the Red Sea resort of Sharm el
Sheikh. Presidential aides work tirelessly looking for foreign
dignitaries for Mubarak to have summits with there.
12:41 p.m.
Italian Prime Minister Berlusconi is
reported to have telephoned his Israeli counterpart and to have
advised him to “perhaps look in Libya too” for terrorist
camps. Certain media sources allege the response to this to have been
along the lines of “piss off”.
12:50 p.m.
The Chinese Trade Representative to the
United Nations issues calls for an emergency Security Council meeting
to discuss the plight of his country's spanish guitar manufacturers.
The mandolin and banjo industries seem unaffected so far, but
Merril-Lynch reassigns 14 analysts to monitor and advise.
13:41 p.m.
In the first working response to the
Israeli aggression, a Syrian woman is arrested in Tel Aviv on charges
of attempted affixation of low-grade firecrackers to the toilet bowls
of numerous public toilets. Israeli authorities issue public service
announcements exhorting citizens to “watch their arses”.
13:56 p.m.
Simultaneous press releases from the
Israeli Prime Minister and from Islamic Jihad. The first condemns the
escalation in regional tensions and calls for American airstrikes on
firecracker factories in France, southern Germany, and a little cafe
in Copenhagen which plays really boring pop music.
Islamic Jihad claims responsibility for the attempted toilet bowl firecrackering and vows to bloody many more anuses in retaliation for the airstrikes on Syria. It is at this point unclear quite how one makes the transition from suicide bombings to bloodied bottoms. Brhavioral psychologists attached to the National Security Agency are reported to be working on assessments.
14:01 p.m.
In perhaps the first sign or real
escalation of the crisis, Israeli port authorities intercept a
shipment of 4,500 rather nasty chihuahuas. Documents siezed indicate
that final destination is a small refugee camp outside Bethlehem, and
this is taken for incontrovertible proof that these silly little
things are the next thing in the Palestinian struggle to liberate
something from someone.
Incidentally, not many people remember anymore what it was which was going to be liberated, or why. It is all just so much fun.
The European Parliament votes to classify the International Chihuahua Racing Federation as a terrorist organization. Thousands of single and boring midle class ladies will be placed under arrest during the next few days across Europe.
15:09 p.m.
Syria mobilises. Russian military
sattelites register the signature outlines of the new locally
produced Al Qaboom catapults deployed along the Israeli front.
Subsequent photo enhancement will show that the payload of preference
seems to be live goats with sharp knives held between clenched teeth.
15:20 p.m.
The American president, now awake and
fully briefed on the developing crisis, tells a New York Times
correspondent in all confidentiality that “this crisis, well,
you see God talks to me, and I talk back at him, so, er I mean Him
and not him. Cocopops? No? Now, foreign policy, where is Dick. That's
his job. I mean Rice. That's his job. Her. Oh you know what I mean.
So God talks to me, and I believe what I believe, which is – I
am sure you won't understand this since God talks to me and not you –
well, that is truly what I believe. What I believe, I mean. You know,
Dad speaks a lot to Dick, and that is a lot like how God talks to me.
Do you see? Are you sure you don't want cocopops? It is not easy
trusting a man who won't have cocopops with you, you know. Crisis
management yes, that's Dick all over. He knows Mexico much better
than I do though. Yes yes, I know Syria isn't in Mexico, but it's not
like it is all that far away, is it.”
15:08 p.m.
Not wanting goats chucked at it, Israel
mobilises. What the IDF lacks in jihad goats and catapult technology,
it makes up for in air superiority, mobility, electronic targeting
systems, limited nuclear deployment capability, and a few other small
things with which one can actually win a war.
15:16 p.m.
British Prime Minister Blair expresses
his “utmost concern regarding the deployment of goats along the
Syrian border with Israel” and recommends that we all “listen
to what President Bush has to say in this matter since God speaks to
him”.
This statement causes the British public to finally revolt against the official government policy of mimicing whatever chimpanzee the Americans happen to have running their show. 34 million people gather for subsequent demonstrations throughout the country, and not a few government officials get pelted with different varieties of foods all in advanced stages of decay.
The government falls not long after this, a new constitution is drawn out, and Arnold Schwarzenegger is elected mayor of Essex, a post which becomes widely regarded as the new de facto alternative to prime minister. Oddly enough, this politically cataclysmic event does nothing to stem the vile tide of teen pop music being produced in the country.
A member of the Royal family farts, and of Great Britain this chronology shall speak no more.
15:18 p.m.
In an emergency Security Council
session the Chinese representative briefs members on the potentially
unforeseen and far-reaching consequenses of this threat to his
country's musical instrument industry. The nuclear option is
obliquely referred to as a resort of last resort, and the subsequent
arguments over whether the phrase “resort of last resort”
is proper English brings the Security Council to a standstill for a
long time.
15:43 p.m.
Utilising a little-known loophole in
the United Nations by-laws and regulations, the United Nations
Council for Litigating Ethiopean Astronomy Nerds passes a motion to
send peace keepers to the Israeli Syrian border. This is the first
time UNCLEAN has done anything of use since it was established in
1949, and the council members go on self-congratulatory binges
involving several varieties of alcohol. The subsequent cost of this
binge is equal to the annual UN member fee paid by Australia, it is
pointed out, and the drunk UNCLEAN passes a motion expressing
gratitude to Australia for the funding.
17:12 p.m.
In a beaureaucratic bungle of some
proportion, the request for 12,000 peace keepers on the Syrian
Israeli border is misinterpreted and acted upon.
7th of October 2003
3:02 p.m.
12,000 goats arrive at the
Syrian-Israeli front in UN vehicles and are exhorted to deploy.
Sadly, in the following 3 months Israeli troops are alleged to have
eaten something between 2,000 and 3,000 UN peace keepers for lunch
and dinner.
4:30 p.m.
“Resort of last resort” is
determined not to be proper English in the Security Council, and the
council adjourns.
4:32 p.m.
The Israeli government notes that the
Syrians are using UN peace keepers as catapult ammunition in certain
isolated cases, and demands an explanation for why the international
body is arming the Syrians.
5:45 p.m.
The United Nations goes on the
defensive and demands amnesty for its peace keepers. At this point,
only UNCLEAN has been briefed on the fact that the peace keepers are
really goats, and they are not saying anything, regrettably if
understandably.
5:49 p.m.
The first shot is fired. The goat,
despite having won amnesty from the United Nations, splatters against
an IDF barracks 3 kilometers behind the front.
All Hell breaks loose, and many domestic and furry animals suffer. This conflict will come to be known as the Thirteen-Second War of 2003, mainly thanks to Israel's demonstration of its nuclear capability. The large hole in the ground which was previously referred to as Syria is converted to an underground parking lot and this is the cause of much rejoicing to motorists in the region.
President Bush is relected for no reason in particular, and announces his candidacy for Mayor of Essex.