Chad’s
last message to me was when he told me that I could count on that if ever he
fools around again, it would be with me and to stop messaging him because it
upsets his lover. That was four days ago. I message him every night…
…
… …
Was he just being
polite?
Okay… it was clear
to me that what happened between the two of us was just a one-night stand.
Nothing more. It was clear to me even before I went there that that was a
one-night stand. That was actually all I wanted… even after he gave me my
best fucking experience, I knew it was all he was willing to give. It was
all he could give. His heart is with someone else—his lover… it was
clear to me that I was just there for one lone reason. That was to ease his
libido going ballistic…
And really, I should
just stop bothering him and forget…
Forget? It was the
best shag of my life…? We are talking about not thinking of him yet each
time I close my eyes, I get flashbacks of that night…? I believe love is
something you want to do, decide to do—you love someone because you
decided to love someone, contrary to popular belief. One has absolute
control. But with this one, I get flashbacks in the least times I expect and
want them.
Hmmm…?
I really should
stop…
He
wasn’t being polite. I know he liked me, at least, how I was in bed. I
think he was very satisfied with my performance that night… Why else would
he want me to stay that night and the day after? The thing is… he is in
love with his lover… and choosing between his heart and best shag is quite
a no brainer… as much as possible, he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize
his relationship. He would be tempted to fool around but would fight it. But
then, again, sometimes it would be a loosing fight… that would be when he
would call me again…
I’m just to
wait…
Side with the devil
to tempt him… tempt him like he never tempted anyone before…
How long should I
wait…? How long could I wait…?
…
… …
I know! I need to
find someone who could top him! I need to shag with someone who could do
better than him! Someone free and is not infatuated with someone else!
…
… …
That is not a
possibility since, as I argued, the best men are taken!
Argh…!
Do
you believe in fate or destiny—what’s the difference? Funny, I should
ask. Well, I have not resolved that yet in me—if whether I believe or not.
The thing is people tend to believe and invoke the concepts of fate and
destiny when it comes to happy endings.
“We are destined
for each other so we should be together.” Or “Fate has brought us
together, let’s not part again.” They have not made a room for the
possibility that you are destined to love him so much but he was destined to
break your heart or fated to meet and fall in love but would be forever be
apart.
In the Christian
faith, destiny and fate played a very important part. People from the Bible
are really destined for a thing. Mary, our Blessed Mother, was destined to
bear a son whom she would name Jesus. And Jesus Christ was destined to die
in the cross.
My problem with
destiny and fate is that it sort of tells me that it is to happen whether I
like it or not, no matter what I do or do not do. It kind of tell me that no
matter how much I try to live my life right, I am bound to screw and that no
amount of faith and prayer could do otherwise. I’m bound to fail. I’m
bound to screw up. When it’s written in our cosmic blue print that we are
to suffer, there is absolutely nothing we could do about it.
I don’t know…
but I think that is pathetically sad: living a life we have no absolute
control of… we are just like puppets or robots… a set of toys, moving in
a way we are made, program to…
I
should always remind myself of that. Well, I always tend to ask… like this
one with Chad, even with Bj… and the rest… I always tend to ask what is
the reason why I met them. What are the roles they are to play in my life…
try to figure out meaning… I always want to think that it is of something
meaningful… it has to be meaningful…
Fool.
