From the Editor's Desk...
& Letters To The Editor:
Califa's Glorious Past!
For full well fifteen years, Springheel Jack
has been the scourge of all citizens who honor the upright and true. Bunco artist, masher, steeplejack and all around sewer, much of the mayhem which has disturbed the City's tranquility in recent years can be laid at the sparkly red boots of this most unpleasant outlaw. A list of his disastrous accomplishments is too long to recite here, but suffice to say that the roster of his crimes is long and horrifying. No insult has been too low for this racker. From ear chewing to graft, gin-running to rat baiting, Springheel Jack has dipped his snake-tipped toe into every tributary of Iniquity which can be found in this City. Nay, not just dipped, but flung himself into the viscous currents of Vice with the avid enthusiasm of a first class swimmer.
For too long has the City put up with Jack and his wretched gang, who never met a crime they couldn't take to, who never saw a law they couldn't break. Their lawlessness and depravity make a mockery of Califa's righteousness and can be tolerated no longer. The City Militia is responsible for the peace and tranquility of this city, and the City Militia has proven so ineffective that Springheel Jack's antics, previously somewhat confined to the notorious Shells south of the Slot, are now grown bold enough to invade the very foundation of the City's wealth and stability-The Califa Banc and Trust.
Dastardly crimes call for drastic action and in this case nothing but martial law will do. This paper, and all concerned citizens, call upon the Warlord to cede local authority on the matter of Springheel Jack and His Bouncers to General Juliet Buchanan Fyrdraaca. Jack must be jacked and Buck Fyrdraaca is just the one to plant his potatoes once and for all. She put paid to Treachery and Sedition in 853 and she'll put paid to this rotter and his minions today. Give her a stick and she'll shake it and then we shall see how high Jack can leap. The continuing safety of this City and its citizens require nothing less.
I must take issue with Sieur Warren Nutri's Glorious History of Califa which this newspaper has been publishing serially lo these last few weeks. When, as a young nip, I left my drawers strewn about the parlor, my father was wont to ask: "Were you born in a barn?" I pose a similar question of Sieur Nutri: "Did you do your research in a bar?"
His naming of Buck Fyrdraaca as the gallant hero who guarded Lord Therion's life during his flight from the Vicereine's prison in 836 is completely erroneous. This feat of bravery belongs to C.S.R. Brakespeare ov Hadraada who, despite later depredations and a bad end, still deserves the credit for standing firm in the face of utmost darkness, and who was awarded the Warlord's Hammer in result. Sieur Nutri's brevity had no wit in it all, for concisely he forgot the efforts of Nyana Hansgen Keegan in assisting the Warlady's entry into Califa, and (rest of letter cut for length) Signed, Valdemar Cosgrove
Dear Editor:
I was present at the duel between Colonel Nyana Keegan and Major Wittie Melacton in 834 as described in Sieur Warren Nutri's "Glorious History of Califa, Part II," and I must protest his characterization of Colonel Keegan as drunk. She was not drunk, indeed, her aim was steady as a rock and the end result of the combat would have been different had she not generously deloped when Major Melacton's first shot went wide. Sieur Nutri would be wise to consider both sides of his sources in the future and refrain from describing stories that dozens can assure are patently untrue.
Captain Elizara Honeychurch, AOC, Ret.
825: Florian Abenfarax de la Carcaza and his most Puissant Armada set Conquer'ng Foot upon Califa's Shore, Liberating it from the Tyranny of the Pontifexa Hağraağa thus Ushering A Period of Glory and Justice Never Before Seen in This Revolving World.
Forty Years Ago:
830: Duke Banastre Hağraağa surrenders all Claims to the City and State of Califa and Swears Eternal Fealty and Love to the Most Fantastic Warlord, Florian Abenfarax de la Carcaza, thus making the Warlord's Victory True in All Ways.
Thirty-Five Years Ago:
833: Lord Therion makes his Miraculous Escape from the Apotheosis of Azatlan and assumes his Rightful Position as the Hierophant of Califa to the Joy and Acclaim of All True Republicans. Califa's joy is wavered but not halted by the Retaliatory Annexation of All Its Southern Environs by the Vicereine of Azatlan.
Twenty-Seven Years Ago:
841: The Traitor Adept, Julien Brakespeare, makes a Silent Assault upon Califa's Proud Sovereignty and Open Rebellion of the Northern Quadrant Commences much to the Republic's Disgust and Dismay.
Twenty Years Ago:
848: General Duke Banastre Hağraağa assumes command of the Army of Califa upon the Hideous and Horrific Loss of the Warlord's Mighty Left Leg at the Battle of Mariposa, which is Mourned by All in Suitable Lamentable Style.
Sixteen Years Ago:
852: The Most Gallant and Reckless General Duke Banastre Hağraağa cut down in the Very Flower of His Prowess by An Ignorant Enemy Hiding Behind The Face of a Friend at the Battle of Modoc. General Cyrenacia Brakespeare assumes the Command Baton of the Army of Califa under the assign General Hağraağa Secunda.
Fifteen Years Ago:
853: Settlement of Peace Terms between Azatlan and Califa in Califa's Favor after the Apotheosis of General Hağraağa Secunda for the Dreadful Crime of Untenable War Against All Humanity.
Ten Years Ago:
858: Sacred and Joyous Re-Marriage of the Infanta Pantea Abenfarax ov Eixemenic and the Hierophant Lord Asa Therion, followed quickly by the Celebratory Birth of their First Child Broxy de Abenfarax ov Therion.
Five Years Ago:
863: The Warlord Stubs his Big Toe on a Soubrette on the Way back from the Potty at Four Am in the Morning Much to His Chagrin and Loud Pain.
Index
