• 1915- the first abondoned model t's are found strewn across the nation's landscape. even though they are an incredible eyesore, poor homeless families inhabit them and call them their own
• 1916- the first impounding of the abondoned model t's takes place. many people are now finding themselves without house or home, so one brilliant man... i think it was dale earnhardt... decided to fix up the engines in those cars and race away from the towtrucks.
• 1936- after two decades of running, the "car families" decided to get together and put all their "homes" in one centralized area. the first trailer park was born.
• 1938- to fund their lifestyle, the car people began running moonshine to the northern states during prohibition. they had to build bigger and faster engines to outrun the "g men".
• 1947- the great war, the depression and prohibition are long over. the need for tons of "runners" is no longer. economic boom takes place. the car people ditch the cars and buy large box like homes and settle down.
• 1948- the great tornado epidemic of '48 takes place. tornadoes are rampant and they seem to target these new box like homes. so the new box dwellers build big powerful cars to tow their boxes behind them. outrunning the tornadoes, all the while their boxes are trailing behind them. a wise man, i think it was dale earnhardt, decides to call these boxes "trailers". a new era is born.
• 1952- the tornadoes have calmed down and the world is at peace. the trailer families become restless. they long for their days of racing... racing from tow trucks, the cops and tornadoes. so they decide to race each other, on foot. but because of their incredible smoking of lucky strikes and clogged arteries from the cholesterol in raccoon meat many drop dead on their runs.
• 1958- after six years of their foot races and many deaths, a great man, i think it was dale earnhardt, suggests that they race their super powered cars that they use for towing their "trailers". NASCAR is born.
• 1960- corporations think it would be funny and cute to advertise on these racing cars, but unfortunately the people that are in their main advertising brackets could give two shits about nascar. so they decided to pass. nascar continues.
• 1961- the corporations that make car products decide to advertise on racing cars. their main advertising targets do give two shits about nascar. STP strikes gold.
• 1975- another person that could give two shits about nascar was born. that person... me!
• 1976- the sexual revolution finally reaches nascar, 7 years too late. the first girl lifts her top at a race. the world of racing is thrown into a frenzy as one of the drivers is distracted and causes a 30 car pile up.
• 1985- nascar's popularity is increasing. people with GED's are now drawn to the races.
• 1990- the southern states finally recognize that the civil war ended almost 130 years ago and they finally open the doors of nascar to the northern contingent.
• 2001- now nascar is the fastest growing spectator sport in america. sport? that's a stretch. i'll take squash anyday. thank you very much.

• 10- incorporate feng shui to allign your bed and dinner table to increase financial success.
• 9- fix the door hinges so when COPS shows up they don't have to kick in your rusted door.
• 8- hang ferns.
• 7- turn that spare bedroom into a den. it's a good place to read your issues of swank in peace.
• 6- get rid of the dead animals piling up under your trailer. that's probably where the smell is coming from.
• 5- clean the glass and polish the frame around your autographed picture of the Dukes with General Lee.
• 4- buy a doorbell that plays "ring of fire". beats a damn cow bell.
• 3- wash and iron your confederate flag. no one likes a wrinkled symbol of racism.
• 2- put copies of "war and peace" and "paradise lost" under the short legs of your coffee table. makes you look more edumacated.
• 1- start hiding your drugs somewhere other than behind your black velvet painting of elvis. the king would frown upon such activity.

"10 out of 10 dentists agree, condoms are a very effective way to prevent the perpetuation of stupidity."