Ever wonder what makes me tick? no? fine then.... be a jerk... but guess what? i'm going to let you know anyway... cuz that's the type of guy i am... :o)

The YZ1...

• ...what is your real name? Derek
• ...what is your last name? geez.... getting a little too personal aren't we?
• ...what is your SSN#? wtf? back off a little would ya....
• ...where do you live? i live in a small "cow town" in illinois... just south of chicago... about half an hour away... if you ever see "the races" on TV and they are driving at one of the tracks in joliet... that is only 5 minutes away from my house...
• ...have you ever seen bigfoot? no... unfortunately... i did see a zombie once though... someone down the street woke the dead... i don't know how but they are evil... pure evil...
• ...what is your family like? my family consists of about 20 people... all gypsies... traveling from town to town trying to con people out of their money... i think they also steal children to work in their tannery...

There is some basic info about me... nothing crazy.... however... this next segment i will update every couple of weeks... it was inspired by a bumper sticker i saw today... it said "how old were you when you lost faith in society?"... i thought it was an interesting question... so i'll answer it... and every couple of weeks i'll answer a different question... each one will be more riveting, thoughtful and important than the last... geez... i'm awfully full of myself today...

July 21, 2001

"How old were you when you lost faith in society?"

I remember it like it was yesterday. In fact it was yesterday. I usually spend my days walking on air whistling "dixie", but some things are just so disturbing that they are forever engrained within your psyche.

I was driving through a small town here in Illinois. A town just a little larger than the one i live in (f.y.i. the town i live in has a welcome sign stating the population being 900!). I wasn't there for fun. I was there for work. I am currently working for a beer distributor, and I spend my days driving from bar to bar, liquor store to liquor store delivering cases of beer. The beer I deliver is Old Style. For those not from the Chicagoland area, Old Style is brewed in Wisconsin. It was once the most popular beer in Chicago. It outsold Bud and Miller 3 to 1. Now the only people that drink it have three teeth in their head and even less years to live. So anywhooooo, I was driving through the small town of Hopkins Park. It was a hot day. Hotter than most. Hot enough to make you sweat at the mere thought of physical activity. Hot enough to make me sweat even more than usual when I spend my down time thinking of a wild menage `a tois involving me, Angelina Jolie and Fionna Apple....... whew.... where was I? Oh yeah. There I am, cruising down the road and I see a young entrepenneur. He had set up a stand on the side of the road. As I approached him I thought to myself, "If it is lemonade I'll buy a glass, choke it down and wake up five hours later after the drugs have worn off and i've been beaten, robbed and raped." But as I got closer I noticed this wasn't your average young businessman trying to earn an extra buck or two in attempts to buy some candy from the dime store. The dime store? I'm not even old enough to remember a dime store let alone make a poor reference to one. GEEZ. O.K.... back to the story... I'm getting closer and the whole picture is getting clearer. The 30 something, shirtless, overweight individual was sitting in a lawn chair, ass nearly hitting the ground (the damn plastic weave that makes up a cheap lawn chair was being tested to it's limits) and he wasn't selling lemonade at all. I squinted as i rolled by and read the sign, "Knifes starting at $3".... Knifes!!! not even "knives" but "knifes"... I almost wanted to circle back and look at the "knifes" he had to offer, but then I thought that anyone who is selling "knifes" is probably not above stabbing me with his display unit and taking the van I was driving. So it was at this exact moment, 2:35 p.m. cst on July 20, 2001 that I lost faith in society. I was 25 years, 10 months, 11 days and 1 hour old. Good Lord!

Do you have a pressing question that you need to know? Want to know how many miles i walk on an average day? Want to know what is the best wine to have with fish? Want my locker combination from high school? (20-2-8) Just drop me a line. I'll answer it.