it's kind of funny... they way different people look at things... Stacy has stated that we're made for each other... Laimesque predicted that we'd get married and divorced 5 times... i pointed out that i have a philosophical objection to marriage... you remember the last time we almost broke up when you realized what you thought really was... a scared little boy... i was bugged by this... at the time i wondered if it was because i felt the need to correct your error in perception of if i was just pissed off that someone had seen my deep dark secret... for a long time i have wanted to believe the latter. it would be nice to believe that i'm not a sociopath, but y'know, i'm not sure about that anymore. when you said you were at the movies i though "probably with anthony no doubt" and considered asking... but i decided not to... now... this could have been for a variety of reasons... i could have wanted to know but felt that it wasn't my business as you've got your own life... i could have wanted to know but dared not ask as it would have shown that i cared and heven forbid i show tyou that i cared because then you might come back and everything would be okay again... at least for a little while... or perhaps it was because i didn't really care. I expect i would have been a lot more miffed if you had gone to see a movie i was actually interested in seeing...the fact is i'm seeing a cycle of abuse start here where you put up with my ignoring you for so much time and then you give up... and then i apologize and answer all those questions that you never bother to ask until after you've already given up and then a few months later down the road the whole thing happens again... i don't want this... i don't think you want this either. but then again i don't know what you want... i was talking with stacy earlier and i was telling her about my tarot reading and how the martyr card came up in all four of my readings (the guy laying on the ground in a pool of blood with 15 or so swords stuck in him? maybe it was the victim... ) and how the heart with the sword stuck in it also came up several times.... she kept trying to do some psychoanalysis on me telling me i don't have enoug confidence and that a REALLY DO CARE... i started fucking with her and talking about taking LSD... she was alll "drugs are bad" i went on some little triad about how LSD, of itself, is virtually non-toxic and there are more dangers from shithead assholes mixing it with strychnine for some godforsaken reason than fromt he actual LSD and that it would probably be a good idea for me to take 12 grams of so to initiate a good dissociative effect so i could wander around and look in the dark recesses of my past and see what exactly fucked me up... i have a pretty good idea of what it was as that's the first thing that came to mind when the meaning of the Victim was explained to me... PS- it wasn't your suggestion of when you were goin out with the jasons to try and piss me off... the thing is i read so much about how little kids block out traumatic occurances in their lives and i had to be 6 or 7 at the time and if i CAN remeber this shit what sort of fucked up stuff have i blocked out that what i can remember seems tame by comparison... and i really am not going to tell you unless you get my in a really fucked up mood... which i'm not in right now... anyway... so that you may have a nice clean break... i really don't think i love you... i don't know... the fact that i waited for you through the jasons and tried and got you back the first time may seem contradictory but i suspect that there's just as much chance that it was just me trying to prove to myself as to try to prove to you... in the end i think i failed but it's not particularly important at this point... if i do care about you. myself, or anyone for that mattered it's buried deep along with all that other shit my mental-guards finds unsafe to allow me to peruse... so maybe i do, but i don;t know if i do or not and (i s'pose this is evidence that i'm not a total sociopath) i really do think it is unfair to use you as a subject of my little self experiements... i seem to recall having this conversation the last time we broke up... back to my old tricks... of course the reasons for breaking up were virtually the same last time as well so perhaps i'm just a one trick dog... anyway... to make a long story short i'm really not sure how much i care aout you or really if i actually care about you at all... originally i was planning on sending this as e-mail but it occured to me that i haven't updated my page in a while and if you begin with sending me a break-up letter by e-mail (on valentine's day folks) i figure it would be more childish to post it on the internet for all the world to see... after all you did say i was childish right? just trying to give you what you want... and you probably want to be right... and of course i have to get rid of you for being right because no one is allowed to be right except me... if you haven't noticed i'm being sarcastic... it's interesting that all of this is pouring smoothly like some well crafted speech... perhaps i've beeen planning for this day for a while now... you were right that it wasn't much of a surprise... i've already told you this signs i had seen... i'd like to point out that all the signs said that you were pushing me away but why start down the road of recriminations... i'll merrily take all the blame as i'm mildly interested in seeing if i can make myself snap so i can find out what's REALLY bothering me...
though i already know what that is... that i will snap... only to find that i am who i think i am... i have no excuses... and there is nothing behind those imaginary walls.