Don't assume I'm talking about sex related issues only... I've been curious about whether or not we actually have anything in common besides birthdate... Astrology would say we should get along damn near perfectly but...
Saying you have almost no limits is a very dangerous statement. Not dangerous in the sense of bodily harm but in the potential power of the phrase. Going one way I could view this as a challenge and try to find what limits you do have... it gives me something to do and hopefully you'd enjoy the activity. That's one of the main reason why I rarely place my own goals before those of others... because most of what I may want to do is just "something to do..." In the few cases where I actually get bored enough or want something enough to apply myself I invariably have achieved whatever it was I was trying to do. the most recent and probably most inocuous example of this would be my snowboarding... I decided to actually try and be good at it. I was able to turn effectively by my second day (or 5th hour) and by the end of the trip (which was only about 4 days worth of actual snow activity) I rarely fell down or anything else unless I wanted to. As a benchmark, the other people on the trip finally managed to get off the ski lift without falling down by the 3rd day. Maybe I have some strange natural snowboarding ability, maybe not. Either way, the apparent situation is that I cannot be denied if I try. Now... it could be that i recognize that this is a dangerous ability and thus automatically have censored my actions or I'm just afraid of failure and thus don't ever really try to do anything or maybe I've discovered that you really don't have to try very hard to get through life... though I must admit I've had an unusually easy life thus far. Maybe I'm trying to fuck up so I can have a few challenges later on? Anyway, one set of behaviours regarding one set of circumstances invariably influences the next and the over all result is that I am a passive observer in life participating usually only to the extent that others ask me to.
On the tape Karla asked me what I wanted from a woman... I jokingly cried "Love and understanding;" while these things might be nice after much thought I've decided that I really don't want anything from a woman... or anyone else. If someone wants to give me something that's fine... If someone wants to ask something of me that's also fine, If i have the ability to give it to them I probably will do so (kind of makes me sound like a sucker with no will power eh? oh well)... the reverse side of this philosophy is that i don't ask for anything i don't need (that is, almost everything) and i don't volunteer anything. I am the self-made victim though i don't bother feeling sorry for myself, i don't think I do anyway.
though occasionally I feel like I've led a sheltered life. not culturally sheltered but sheltering in one sense or another. Sheltered in that i've never really been lacking in anything... sheltered because i've never actually NEEDED to get a job... sheltered in the sense that i don't really know the value of money... I don't think my mom knows the value of a dollar either though we both react differently to this ignorance... I don't spend whatever money i have and thus it accumulates (though my little stash of moo-lah as decreased rapidly recently, it was about $500 a little over a month ago... now it's $200... I bought those magazines yesterday... the sex toys... and probably various other miscellaneous purchases I don't recall at the moment) my mother on the other hand buys all sorts of crap at absurd prices... though this could be attributed to her "new age" outlook... she bought these little squares of epoxy resin that some guy had painted copper for $30 each because he said they had "mysterious healing powers" because they help to "balance the body's energy network" it came with a little booklet of instructions... I probably wouldn't have known it was epoxy except for the fact that the guy didn't wait for it to dry completely so it still reeked... she bought 3 of them...another one of her purchases, this one totalling $60, was this lamp some guy had made for "color therapy". It looked like the guy had built it in his garage (and indeed, he had) using parts he found lying about old garage sales and probably cost about $10 to make... including the $7 floodlight bulb. not to say that my sex toy purchases were any less frivolous but at least the sex toys serve and obvious and real purpose.
You could say i live by the philosophy of "If you really want something, go out and get it" it's just that very rarely do I "really want something." That's another reason why I work slowly when other people are involved. I don't want to be in competition for something If I might only have a sort of whimsical interest while it might be someone else's lifelong dream... because, as I said, I'd probably win.
That's another one of my idiosyncracies, I like a good challenge... which is why I like to test limits... get myself into a battle of wills... If you said you'd do anything except ______ you can be fairly sure eventually I'd try to get you to do whatever it is you swear you'd never do... I might work my way up to it... and I'm not saying I'm sure you'd fold eventually... but you probably would... and I'd be so intent in trying to get you to do the one thing you won't do to the point of ignoring a great many other things that could be done... inversely if you attesst that you have no limits I might test that assertion for a while... agree with it and probably lose interest... it's an incredibly cold philosophy at that level and that is why I try to make sure the other person is at least enjoying themself whilst i test their boundaries...
As for you... I don't know it's possible for two people to really know each other after a lifetime much less after a few months or years but here are my suspicions which will be sort of objectively presented. I think you might have some sort of Electra complex. In case you're not familiar with that term it's the daugher/father version of the Oedipus complex. There just appears to be a certain degree of bitterness as you talk about the way your father has "pretty much ignored [you] for the past 9½ years." And I wonder if you don't turn to me or Nate or others in some desperate attempt to gain love from a male figure in your life... I don't know, it's just the impression that I get from the way you kind of slowly keep moving closer and closer, gradually increasing body contact... kind of timid as if you expect to be pushed away at any moment (or perhaps you expect not to be noticed?) perhaps along the way you've come to view sex as a quick and easy way to get close to someone, maybe gone so far as to equate sex with love... or maybe I'm completely wrong, reading too much into it, and you'd just like to jump people's bones... I don't know... there's so much that I don't know... I'm just warning you that if all you want is to be close to someone, sex is not neccessary (at least not in my case, though it is appreciated)
All this is of course the way I view things... and I may actually be a lot more shallow or emotional than I'd like to think. The only reason I'm telling you all this is primarily because I've wanted to tell someone all this and secondly becuase whatever it is that may be developing between us seems to have the likelyhood of becoming very interesting and I'd like you to have all this information beforehand.