Hit And Run
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
She was going to be
all that she wanted to be
Tomorrow
And thought of the things
that would give her delight
Tomorrow
But she took not one minute
to stop on her way
Tomorrow
More thought to my future
will give she would say
Tomorrow
The greatest of workers
this gal could have been
Tomorrow
The world would have held her
if ever she'd seen
Tomorrow
But in fact she has died
and faded from view
and all that was left
when her living was through
was a mountain of things
she intended to do
Tomorrow-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
-Buddha
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years, then dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!?!"-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
The other day, we had a bomb scare here in Rio Rancho, NM at the Giant gas station. Of course the bomb squad had to be called out to investigate, which in turn brought the news. In the local paper the next day, they had a picture of a bomb squad member, wearing a shirt that said:
"I am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try and keep up!"-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
CREATION: A SIOUX STORY
The Creator gathered all of Creation and said, "I want to hide something from the humans until they are ready for it. It is the realization that they create their own reality."
The eagle said, "Give it to me, I will take it to the moon."
The Creator said, "No. One day they will go there and find it."
The salmon said, "I will bury it at the bottom of the ocean."
"No. They will go there too."
The buffalo said, "I will bury it on the Great Plains."
The Creator said, "They will cut into the skin of the Earth and find it even there."
Grandmother Mole, who lives in the breast of Mother Earth, and who has no physical eyes but sees with spiritual eyes, said, "Put it inside of them."
And the Creator said, "It is done."-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
DON'T QUIT
BEYOND THE GRAVE
A former friend of mine was married to a great gal; unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and virtuous person.
In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!"
When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother- in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!"
Alas, in the evening while having a well-deserved ice tea, my friend's mother-in-law would pop up from behind the TV and say, "If you don't treat my daughter right when I die, I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!"
I happened to bump into my buddy a month ago, and, while having a soda, I asked him how his mother-in-law was feeling.
He said, "She isn't feeling anything; she died two months ago!"
I quickly asked him if he was worried about her ominous threat.
He said, "Heck, no! I buried her face down; let her dig; I don't care!"
-courtesy of The Motivational Mailer by Gary Barnes and Ramona L. Anderson
d
THE FROG
A lonely frog telephoned The Psychic Hotline and asked what his future holds.
His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."
The frog is thrilled, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?" he croaks.
"No," says the psychic, "In Biology class."-courtesy of The Motivational Mailer by Gary Barnes and Ramona L. Anderson
You're a very special person
Though at times you may feel bad
You are special to your mother
And important to your dad
Your parents may have chided you
And you've never understood -
That they wanted what is best for you
And did it for your good.Because you are so special
They want to see you grow -
Into the kind of person -
That people like to know.
Life isn't always easy
But you have to hold on tight
To the knowledge that you're special
And always do what's right.If you learn to cope with problems
And be careful what you say
If you keep the ten commandments
Then there will come a day -
In the not too distant future
When you'll be very glad
That you were important
To a loving Mom and Dad."-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
CAR-JACKING
An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, screaming at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and she will if required. So get out of the car!
The four men didn't wait around for a second invitation. They got out and ran like mad, while the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and climbed into the driver's seat.
There was a small problem, her key wouldn't fit the ignition. Her car was identical and parked four or five spaces further down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter where four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad, elderly, white woman.
No charges were filed.
-courtesy of The Motivational Mailer by Gary Barnes and Ramona L. Anderson
TAKING CHARGE
ENDURANCE
Contributed By Srikanth
PLANTING A GARDEN
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife."I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter, "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife, "You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug the entire back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter, "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
-courtesy of The Motivational Mailer by Gary Barnes and Ramona L. Anderson
Opportunity...
Often it comes disguised in the form of misfortune, or temporary defeat.-courtesy of The Motivational Mailer by Gary Barnes and Ramona L. Anderson
I'VE DREAMED MANY DREAMS
I've dreamed many dreams that never came true
I've seen them vanish at dawn
But I've realized enough of my dreams, thank God
To make me want to dream onI've prayed many prayers when no answer came
Though I waited patient and long
But answers have come to enough of my prayers
To make me want to keep praying onI've trusted many a friend that failed
And left me to weep alone
But I've found enough of my friends true blue
To make me keep trusting onI've sown many seed that fell by the way
For the birds to feed upon
But I've held enough golden sheaves in my hands
To make me keep sowing onI've drained the cup of disappointment and pain
And gone many days without song
But I've sipped enough nectar from the roses of life
To make me want to live on-courtesy of The Motivational Mailer by Gary Barnes and Ramona L. Anderson
Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you.
-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
Cabbie and the preacher
After a preacher died and went to heaven, he noticed that a New York cab driver had been awarded a higher place than he had. "I don't understand," he complained to Saint Peter. "I devoted my entire life to my congregation."
"Our policy here in Heaven is to reward results," Saint Peter explained. "Now, was your congregation well attuned to you whenever you gave a sermon?"
"Well," the minister had to admit," some in the congregation fell asleep from time to time."
"Exactly," said Saint Peter, "and when people rode in this man's taxi, they not only stayed awake, but they even prayed."
-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
Hillary and Chelsea are sitting around the table having a mother/daughter talk. Hillary asks Chelsea, "You have been going to college for awhile now. Have you had sex yet?" Chelsea blushes & says, "Well... Not according to Dad."
-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
A married couple came home late from a party. As the wife was getting ready to go to bed, the husband walked into the bedroom with a glass of water and an aspirin tablet. The wife asked him, "What's this?"
"Oh, just an aspirin for your headache."
"What do you mean headache? I don't have a headache!"
"Aha!" the husband declared triumphantly, "Gotcha!"-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
A door of a saloon opened abruptly in Abilene, Texas, on a hot summer afternoon and a cowboy came running out, took a fast and high running jump, and landed right in the gutter.
"What's going on, boy? Did they kick you out or are you a crazy Aggie'?" queried a man standing closeby.
"Neither," replied the Cowboy bitterly, "but I sure would like to get my hands on the son of a gun who moved my horse."
-courtesy of Daily Bits by Sherrie Abruscato
SELF-KNOWLEDGE
Self-searching is the means by which we bring new vision, action, and grace to bear upon the dark and negative side of our natures. With it comes the development of that kind of humility that makes it possible for us to receive God's help... We find that bit by bit we can discard the old life - the one that did not work - for a new life that can and does work under conditions whatever.
"As Bill Sees It", courtesy of The Motivational Mailer by Gary Barnes and Ramona L. Anderson
GOD WILL SAVE ME
A guy is in his house when horrendous rains start falling. The water begins to rise, and before long it becomes a major flood. The roads are covered in water making driving impossible. After awhile, a boat comes along.
A rescue worker in the boat yells, "Come on! We're here to save you! Get in the boat!"
The guy in the house responds, "No! I've got faith that God will save me!"
After an unsuccessful rescue attempt, the boat leaves. The water continues to rise, and the guy is forced up to the second floor of his home.
The county sheriff's boat comes along, and the sheriff yells, "Come on! You are going to drown if you don't get in the boat."
From his second floor window the guy says, "No! I'll be okay! I have faith God will save me." The boat moves on.
The house, except for a small part on the roof, is submerged in water. The guy is on the roof as a helicopter hovers overhead.
The pilot shouts out, "This is your last chance! Climb up the ladder to safety! If you don't come now you're going to drown!"
The guy hollers, "No, thanks! God is going to save me!"
The pilot shrugs his shoulders and flies away.
The house is covered, and the guy is swept away by the flood waters. He ascends to the Pearly Gates, where God is waiting for his arrival.
He asks God, "What happened? I have been devoted to you and had absolute faith that you would save me. Why did you let me down?"
God answers back, "What more do you want? I sent you two boats and a helicopter!"=courtesy of The Motivational Mailer, by publisher Gary Barnes and editor Ramona L. Anderson.
MAKING A COMMITMENT
KISS SOMEONE BEFORE YOU GO
The subway train sways back and forth, its wheels screeching more fiendishly than ever against the tracks. Outside the window the freezing cold of winter rules and the dreary bay looks like a yawning abyss as the train rumbles across it. The carriage is filled with frozen self-centered, bored passengers. Good morning!
Suddenly a little boy pushes his way in between discourteous grown-up legs - the kind that only grudgingly make room for you. While his father stays by the door, the boy sits next to the window, surrounded by unfriendly, morning-weary adults. What a brave child, I think. As the train enters a tunnel, something totally unexpected and peculiar happens. The little boy slides down from his seat and puts his hand on my knee. For a moment, I think that he wants to go past me and return to his father, so I shift a bit. But instead of moving on, the boy leans forward and stretches his head up towards me. He wants to tell me something, I think. Kids! I bend down to listen to what he has to say. Wrong again! He kisses me softly on the cheek.
Then he returns to his seat, leans back and cheerfully starts looking out of the window. But I'm shocked. What happened? A kid kissing unknown grown-ups on the train? To my amazement, the kid proceeds to kiss all my neighbors.
Nervous and bewildered, we look questioningly at his father, "He's so happy to be alive," the father says. "He's been very sick."
The train stops and father and son get down and disappear into the crowd. The doors close. On my cheek I can still feel the child's kiss - a kiss that has triggered some soul-searching. How many grown-ups go around kissing each other from the sheer joy of being alive? How many even give much thought to the privilege of living? What would happen if we all just started being ourselves?
The little boy had given us a sweet but serious slap in the face: Don't let yourself die before your heart stops!Source:
By Dag Retsö
From Dagens Nyheter
Reader's Digest Feb'99CONTRIBUTED BY JA'FARI M. VASI
AHEAD
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head!
The father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.
Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay, as the boy takes another drink. Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild, but the bartender is clearly disapproving.
The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant, "Take another drink!"
The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left, then the right, through the front door, and into the street, where a truck runs him over and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief.
The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head."=courtesy of The Motivational Mailer, by publisher Gary Barnes and editor Ramona L. Anderson.
DRINKING FROM THE SAUCER