Stupidity-Rage : the joys of London driving
Dispelling the lies
Forget Road-Rage, I get stupidity rage driving around London. Ok, I could have written this rant about 2 years ago, but I thought "lets be fair, and give them a chance". It has not got better... Before launching into the verbal tirade, lets say that for years the New Zealand government/police tried to say that us kiwi's were the worst drivers in the world - you get these public reports, with backing statistics, and some politician saying we should try harder, and more speed cameras/more cops/education programs/etc would be introduced.
CRAP-O-LA!
After experiencing French, Italian, Yank, Chinese (!), and Aussie driving, I have to say that we aren't that bad. All of this rant is gross generalisations, but this is aimed and the driving population as a whole, not individuals. Please see the additional section "English Hand Signal Guide" for my logical interpretations, this is needed as actual use of indicators is pretty rare.
From Westies to Taupaki tractors
During my time at Lockie Computers I spent most of my time on the road, this involved loads of city driving, but also intercity all around the north of the North Island (a line from Stratford - Taupo - Whakatane). I got to experience all types of weather, early and late night habits, and those wonderful times at Christmas when there are stacks of caravans and road works. The state highways at that time were generally one lane each way, so overtaking is a must to get anywhere quickly. Apart from Matamata and SH1 most highways are moderately twisty, actually going 100kph around parts of Tauranga to Whakatane takes some serious cornering G's, not that you would want to go much more than 120kph with the mammoth increase of hidden speed cameras. If you have been to Keri Keri, my best time is less than 2.5 hours (from Takapuna), pretty good for the company stationwagon.
Observations
The first thing you notice when driving in London is Roundabouts, they have them everywhere. Hmmm, actually the first thing you will probably notice is the road-surface. It is so potted and scarred, has numerous roadwork's and traffic-coned holes, this makes some Taupaki gravel roads look like racetracks in comparison. Anyway, some cities have a "Ring road", which is more a series of roundabouts ringing the city with 1-2km between each one. Then you see the painted ones. These a a very low mound with a filled in painted circle, you may drive over them if no-one else is waiting at the any other of the egresses. Then you spot how ridiculously narrow the streets are, as there is usually cars parked on each side often leaving barely room for two cars to get past in opposite directions, trucks or buses often need the whole road. On closer inspection, traffic lights are not pressure sensitive, or seemingly time dependant. Stop at a junction at 3am and you will still wait the full cycle before heading off. They also have the habit of having 3 lanes before an intersection lead into 1, yes one, lane at the other side! This causes great fun as people try to merge, kamakazi shove-in and grid-lock their way through these. Oh, did I mention motorways? I didn't, that is because you don't find any, at least not through the centre of London. You get a few "dual carriageways" radialy leaving the CBD edges, these are 4 lane roads (2 in each way), but they are not very fast moving, nor go straight through the middle. There are also two ring-roads called the North and South Circular roads. The North is almost a motor way in short stretches, usually 4 lanes and up to 6. The South is a pathetic 2 lane road marked with double red lines (it means no parking ever; but nobody notices) that meanders it's drunken way in an arc south of the river. It is vaguely useful as it is vaguely signposted, thus cutting down on the number of times you get lost.
Lost in space
Getting lost as a fact of life. Even born-and-breed Londoners who try to travel to somewhere new in London get lost. There are very few roadsigns, most are small, high up on ancient ivy-covered buildings, and are only on the left hand side of the road. Joining an intersection is fun, because the road you are travelling on will often change its name, and the branches will mostly not be marked. Walking is a little easier then driving as you go much slower, and can always take a tube to get to the general area, at least until your wandering takes you elsewhere.... Carry an A-Z like everyone seems to.
Things that make you go ewww!
Ok, that's the (lack of) infrastructure, what are people like? In general people seem to have very bad width-perception of their cars, surprising considering how narrow the roads are. Indicator use is poor, mostly non-existent on motorways. These two factors may contribute to the sometimes shocking lane control witnessed, but may be a separate class entirely. Ignoring Right-of-Way rules is fairly common, especially on roundabouts (indicating seems to confuse them, which can often be of help) I love taking the letter of the law, and daring them to hit me. A large proportion of Londoners also display the "just one more car" mentality. They will often zoom up right-hand turn only lanes expecting to be able to pull in (and thereby gain that very valuable one car ahead). Average speeds in a 30mph zone are 35-40. Motorways, which are 70mph, have three types of users, those going 60-70mph, people going 80-90mph, and those going much faster. As the numerous trucks like to overtake each other on hills, on e is often forced into the second group to maintain a reasonable speed. The third group is comparatively rare, but highly aggressive, and generally fall into the specialised RCB group below.
Specific vehicle profiles:
 | You get loads of motorcycles. They seem to think it is their right to get in front of traffic. This involves heading into the oncoming lane, squeezing between the middle of slow moving traffic, and piling up at the front of lights. This last is particularly annoying as the way they squeeze up leaving themselves diagonal across your front fender, so you cannot get off when the lights change until the extract themselves into clear space - you will always cop a filthy look if you are too close to them, rev you engine, beat them at the lights, or don't leave space when they are heading towards you in your lane. |
| Black cabs, They own the road. This is obvious, Fares/people wait on the side waiting to pay them. If they wish to to do a U-turn right in front of you, it is their right. After all the road is merely a means of transporting Fares to their destination, this was the purpose of its construction. Double parking, especially at corners, is mandatory. |
| White Van Man (white company vehicles). No, they own the road. the road is seen as a means of delivering goods or services around London, any other vehicle is an obstacle to be speeded past, cut up, or avoided. Traffic indicators would only let you block them, so are usually used as a faint to cover their real manoeuvre. |
| RCB (rich car bastard). They own the motorways. Look, time is money, so speeding is allowed. Red lights are ignored, and you are an obstacle. Most often encountered on motorways as a silver or grey blur. Thankfully they seem much better behaved in cities, excepting the above. |
| MDSR (Mum Doing the School Run). They should just keep their hazard lights on permanently. Typified by a Range Rover driving, observationally challenged, middle aged woman, but could be anything displaying the following. Unaware of other road users - random stopping/starting. "Double parks", often when there is actually a gap to double park in, but will pull up, block a lane, and let the sprogs jump in and out instead. I once had a MDSR double parked on a blind corner, carrying a baby and a heavy bag, open the road-side door (taking up more space) and proceeded to slowly load the aforementioned as I came around said corner at 30mph... Why not use the pavement side? Too far to walk? nope just ignorance that anything else might be on her road. |
| Buses. Might makes right. They are bigger so make room. they love travelling in packs (fewer people to pick up that way), and will always try to jam themselves into a tight corner which they cant get around (usually blocked by a double parked taxi or MDSR). If you ever travel on one you will quickly notice that they try to amuse themselves by braking as hard as possible, wiggling side to side to overbalance people standing up/moving down isles, and by pissing off traffic. |
Open fire.... All weapons! Dispatch War-Rocket Ajax to bring back his body.
Yep, if guns were legalised in the UK I'm sure you would either see running road-rage gun battles (4 people killed without guns while I've been here), or L.A. style courtesy - be nice or die!
Now I'm not sure if it's just the different culture, but the English can still shock me with some incompetent manoeuvre - usually some pushy, poorly perceived gap they think they can force their way through. This will lead to a amazing number of gridlocks; when traffic is heavy, they get annoyed waiting, try to (slowly) run a red and cause another gridlock perpetuating the problem.
Best bet, use public transport if it's operating*, otherwise slap a "I'm a Johnny Foreigner" sticker on your car and drive like a blind spastic (no slur on non-fitting spastics intended). Enjoy...
* trains, the tube and buses only run when no major soccer event is on. This assumes the equipment is not broken, which is another "feature" of London public transport. Get used to excuses of "leaves on the track", "the wrong sort of rain", signal failures, gusting winds, and my all-time favourite; a crisp packet (empty) as a derailment danger.
