Psycho Killer.
© Tim Barker 1999
“Rat, tat, tat.” There was a knock at the door.
“Hello, who’s there ?” Asked a Masked Man.
“It’s me, Esmerelda dear.” Came the reply.
“Enter Esmerelda but leave that bloody cat outside !” The Man instructed.
Esmerelda entered the room. She wore a black, rather pointed, hat, a black cloak draped loosely around her shoulders and long black pointy shoes.
“Where’s your broom stick Witch ?” The Masked Man enquired. It was all the others in the room could do to suppress giggles.
“I haven’t got a broomstick, I can teleport wherever I want to go by casting a secret magic spell.” Esmerelda replied.
“And what spell would that be ?” Asked a rather Shaggy Dog from his place by the fire.
“I’m not so stupid”, Esmerelda declared. “If I told you then it wouldn’t be a secret anymore and everyone would be teleporting !”
“So, you’ve got the monopoly then !” Said Humpty Dumpty from his wall top vantage point.
“Yes and my secret will die with me !” Declared Esmerelda.
“What business do you have in our neck of the woods ?” Enquired the Village Idiot.
“Well, ever since the Shadow was cast over the forest I can’t go out to collect mushrooms without fear of being plucked from the Earth by Him. It’s playing hell with my consultancy. Nobody comes anymore, all I can give them are squashed toads and ragwort !”
The entire room suppressed laughs again.
“Hmmm...it ain’t been doing my dealings much good either. The cow’s milk’s turned sour and the hens ain’t laying. Not to mention the strange shaped vegetables that keep popping up !” Said the Farmer.
The masked man raised a finger to his chin. “Hmmm...what we need is a hero. None of us are up to the job of cleansing the Shadow from our land. Pass me that Yellow Pages Idiot !”
“Hello, Heroes Unlimited ? Yes, we do. You see there’s a Shadow been cast over our land. We need a valiant young man who isn’t afraid of a little sorcery maybe with some powers of his own ? Oh, as soon as possible really. You do ? Fantastic ! When can he start ? Great, the address is Oxley Village, Great Worsthamptonshire, Far North. OK, bye !”
“They’ve got someone ?” Asked the Village Idiot.
“Yes, they have. A young man by the name of Eric. Apparently he’s got Viking in his blood !”
“Oh, oh, better lock up our maidens !” Quipped the Dog.
That night in Oxley the village folk slept soundly for tomorrow they knew that a great Viking would come and vanquish the Shadow that had been plaguing their daily lives and nightly dreams.
The cock crowed, as they usually do, at sunrise signalling the start of a momentous day in the history of the village. No sooner had the folk risen and assembled in the Masked Man’s courtyard (which also served as market place, school playground and sports ground) than the distant sound of galloping hooves could be heard approaching.
The gathered throng grew terribly excited and began shouting and whooping.
Within minutes an old mule hurtled into the square carrying a bespectacled young boy who was trying his hardest to stay in the saddle.
“What news ?” Asked the Masked Man, mistaking the boy for a messenger.
“I have come to rid thee of foul Shadow which besets yonder forest !” Announced the boy. “My name is Eric the Bold. Fear not village folk, by the end of the day you shall all rest easy in your beds safe in the knowledge that evil will never enter your kingdom again !”
“Oh dear.” Suggested the Dog.
“Oh.” Proclaimed the Masked Man. “And what powers do you conceal beneath that boyish exterior ?” He asked, hopefully.
“Well, I have the, err, that is to say...”
“Bugger all.” Suggested Esmerelda.
“Well, that’s not quite true.” Assuaged Eric. “The blood of my Viking forefathers runs deep through my veins, giving me the strength of a thousand conquering armies.” With that he attempted to dismount his mule but trapped his foot in the stirrups and succeeded in landing face-first in a pile of fresh dung.
“He’s got a good nose for quality bull shit.” Suggested the Village Idiot.
Humpty Dumpty helped Eric to his feet ( he was good at that) then wiped the manure from his face with a clean spotted handkerchief. Eric turned to his mule then removed a large shield and heavy sword from its saddle bags.
“Well, he almost looks the part.” Suggested Esmerelda reassuringly.
“In which case”, added the Dog, “we almost have us a hero.”
“Point me in the right direction then go about your daily business. I assure you that by the end of the day your Shadow will be lifted and you will welcome me with wine and song !” Eric announced.
“It’s that way.” Said the Masked Man nonchalantly, pointing towards the forest.
“Then farewell !” Said Eric then proceeded to trot out of the square on his merciless mission.
“At least you don’t have to worry about the Maidens.” Sniggered the Dog.
* * * * * * * * * *
Eric stood by the forests edge, trying to penetrate the dark interior with his much aided incredible eyesight. The longer he stared the more he imagined something looking back at him but put this down to more a case of an active imagination than any real foreboding presence. He took a firm hold of his shield and held his sword aloft then slowly began entering the harbinger of Evil.
After many uneasy rests and much nimble footwork Eric came to an incredibly dense area of the forest which he deemed to be the exact centre. It was completely dark, instilling a sense of fear which he had never experienced before in his life (apart from the occasion when Nancy Knockit had put her hands down his breeches).
“Hello, is there anybody there ?” He asked, rather shakily.
“ARE YOU BRAVE OR STUPID ?” Boomed a great eerie voice.
“Well, that’s not many options is it ?” Eric returned.
“OBVIOUSLY STUPID ! DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM ?” Asked The Voice.
“No, and I’m not particularly bothered !” Answered Eric.
“I AM HE WHO HAS NO NAME, HE THAT HAS MANY NAMES.” The Voice declared.
“Hello ! My name’s Eric. Now where are you so that I can kill you ?” Ventured Eric.
“I CANNOT BE KILLED BY A MERE MORTAL ! I AM AEONS OLD, FROM A TIME BEFORE YOUR KIND WALKED THE EARTH. I WAS PRESENT WHEN YOUR ANCESTORS WERE BORN. I LURK IN THE SHADOWS AND WAIT FOR THE LIKES OF YOU TO REACH ME THEN I CONSUME YOU. YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME. WHEN I STRIKE YOU DIE !”
“Then try your best, I’m ready. I’ve met your sort before. All bravado and no real substance. Come out and face me Nameless One !”
Eric felt a dread creep through his flesh, felt a fever rise from the depths of his mind and encroach upon his thoughts. He reached back through the centuries and summoned his ancestors whose mighty souls came rushing to his side giving him strength beyond the realms of his mortal shell. A Great battle ensued with Eric’s sanity as it’s trophy. The Evil presence pushed for domination but Eric’s ancestors had encountered his type before in the Netherworld and so were prepared for his tricks and deceptions.
Eric awoke in the same spot he had remembered before fainting but it looked completely different. Light now streamed through the canopy and the sweet noises of forest life greeted his ears. He quickly thanked his ancestors then began to make his way back to the village. He hoped there were some fair maidens.
* * * * * * * * * *
“My Lord, you did it !” Screamed the Farmer upon Eric’s return. “The Shadow has lifted and the hens are laying again. Egg anyone ?”
“How can we ever repay you ?” Asked the Masked Man.
“Do you have any maidens ?” Enquired Eric. “With warm hands ?”
That evening in Oxley there was a huge party. Esmerelda had been to the forest and picked lots of mushrooms which pleased all except the projectionist who was kept up all night creating lots of wonderful patterns on a hastily erected screen. Eric succeeded in finding a more than willing maiden or two (perks of the job) and the Masked Man, Humpty Dumpty, the Farmer, Esmerelda, the Village Idiot and the Shaggy Dog all lived happily ever after except for two pesky kids who insisted on creating havoc in the market place every Tuesday by arguing ferociously and subsequently collapsing.
* * * * * * * * * *
“Well done everyone !” The Doc. announced. “Tom, you were brilliant as Eric and you Sarah as Esmerelda absolutely marvellous. Now I’d like us to discuss our feelings. How did we feel before, during and after playing our roles ? What did you like or dislike about your character and how did you feel about each other ?”
“I thought it was toss.” Tom suggested.
“Why is that Tom ?” Enquired the Doc.
“Well, I mean, what’s the point ? It doesn’t relate to real life does it ? I mean, am I some kind of hero with supernatural powers. I mean, I know I’m in here for being a bit mad but come on, I haven’t lost it completely ! Totally crap.”
“But you seemed to be enjoying yourself Tom. Sarah, how about you ? How did you feel ?” Asked the Doc.
“I enjoyed it. I love picking mushrooms and sharing them with my friends. And, I love being a witch and dressing in black. It was fun. Tom’s just pissed off cause he’s not really a Viking. He’s got no supernatural powers like me. Maybe I can cast a spell on him and cheer him up ?”
“Yeah, right.” Said Tom.
“Anyone else got anything to say ? You’re all rather quiet ! Richard, how did you find Humpty Dumpty ?”
“I need a fag. Can we have a break ?” Asked Richard.
“Oh, very well, off you all go. Thank you very much for taking part. Next week we’ll role play a Science Fiction setting. Be having a think about your characters and be prepared to discuss it afterwards. After all, that’s the whole point.”