Supposedly these sentences actually appeared in church bulletins, on marquees, or were announced in church services. Names have been changed *when possible* to protect the embarrassed. Names are all that have been changed.

• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
  
  
• Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."
  
  
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
  
  
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
  
  
• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
  
  
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
  
  
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
  
  
• Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
  
  
• Miss Marilyn Manson sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
  
  
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
  
  
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
  
  
• Carmilla remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Faust's sermons.
  
  
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
  
  
• John Doe and Jane Goodall were married on October 24th in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
  
  
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.
  Music will follow.
  
  
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?"
  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
  
  
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
  
  
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
  
  
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
  
  
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
  
  
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
  
  
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
  
  
• The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
  
  
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
  
  
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
  
  
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
  
  
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
  
  
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
  
  
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
  
  
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."