Title: Nowhere
Author: Rosemary Klein-Robbins
Email: zeesmom2000@yahoo.com
Sequel: This is another part of the ongoing Beth or Kinsey Series
Pairings: Not really dealing with pairs, per se-but ongoing relationships from previous stories are referenced.
Spoilers: None really-this show is no longer in production-but some references might be obliquely implied.
A/N: This is an unauthorized fan fiction of the show Stargate SG-1-there is no relationship to the show, the producers, MGM or SCifi. There is no monetary exchange for this story. It is a work of fiction written by a fan and aside from this website and anywhere else posted with my permission.
Lyrics to Radio Nowhere-Bruce Springsteen-used without permission.
Summary: Sometimes all roads lead not to Rome but to a place called Nowhere-the twilight zone like existence where reality and fantasy collide to create a place formed of confusion and despair.
The ambulance racing through the warm late May night in Colorado Springs appeared to give lie to Einstein and his theory of relativity. When there is a race of life against death, time is indeed faster than the speed of light.
I was trying to find my way home
But all I heard was a drone
Bouncing off a satellite
Crushing the last lone American night
The driver of the Ford F-150 drove at the same rate as the ambulance he was chasing. The irony of what he was doing wasn't lost on him. If he was an attorney, it would be funny. Fortunately, or maybe unfortunately, he was not. He was, as the name tag on his uniform read, a Colonel in the United States Air Force and the ambulance he was following carried his girlfriend. Whatever plans he had made concerning their relationship, and he had several in mind, would have to wait and he was afraid it might have to wait until he was announced by St. Pete at the pearly gates.
Gayle had come over for their usual evening. Well, as usual as it would be for an end of May evening. Between baseball, basketball and hockey, this evening was the trifecta. Both the NBA playoffs and the Stanley Cup Playoffs vied for his attention with baseball and to a sports nut like himself, this was nirvana. Dinner, the games, sex, the comfortable rhythm of the known was in store for this night.
The dinner and the games went as planned, but as Gayle was getting ready for bed in the bathroom Jack heard a noise that caused the hairs on his arms to stand up. Running to the bathroom he found Gayle on the floor, pale and barely breathing. There were no signs of injury: no blood, no abrasions, no bruises.
It was the look in the eyes of the paramedics that really scared him and the speed with which raced her out of his house and into the ambulance caused him to go cold.
He didn't much like talking on the phone in the car, even with a headset, but talking on the cell phone, at the speed he was driving, not wearing a headset and not caring was the only outward sign of nerves.
"Janet, please don't argue with me! You need to get to the hospital. Something happened to Gayle and the Paramedics do not think it will have a happy outcome."
(Chorus:)
This is Radio Nowhere
Is there anybody alive out there
This is Radio Nowhere
Is there anybody alive out there
I was sitting around a dead dial
Just another lost number in a file
Dancing down a dark hole (some say it’s “Been in some kind of dark cove”)
Just a-searching for a world with some soul
Jack parked his car in the first spot he could find, heedless of a parking restricted sign. Slamming the car door he took off at a dead run for the entrance to the emergency room entrance and stopping only after reaching the sign-in desk. The receptionist had been alerted of the arrival of the victim and Dr. Fraizer had also called to say she was on her way. The receptionist directed him through the automatic doors and his thanks seemed to float behind him as he tore through the doors.
Shock was the only thing that caused him to stop and look at the woman standing outside one of the cubicles.
"Carter?" He saw blue eyes blurred by tears looking up at him.
"It's Evan." She struggled to tell him what happened. "He just died."
Without thinking he drew her into his arms for a quick and very unsatisfying hug. His arms barely felt her slim body before he put her from him. He kept telling himself that a quick hug was ok, acceptable. But what he really wanted was a long hug. One that really let his arms know he was holding her.
"What happened? Do they know?"
She shook her head. Her voice trembled with the tears she was struggling to hold back.
"We were at Joanie's Deli having dinner and then all of sudden Evan complained of a blinding headache and went down. All I could think was he had a stroke." Shaking slightly she continued. "By the time EMS got there, he was not breathing. I started CPR, but even with having an AED to use immediately, there was nothing."
Gathering herself, she looked at the man standing in front of her and it suddenly dawned on her that he wasn't here for her. "Jack?"
"The same thing happened to Gayle. They are working on her now." He knew that he would not be able to be in the room while they worked on her, but his anxiety translated itself to her.
(Chorus) The pounding music filled the room. The inhabitants bobbed and bounced and hopped and skipped in time to the beat and the directions of the Jazzercise instructor at the front of the room. Women of all ages, in various types of exercise dress, laughed while they sweated to the music. Beth Greene barely noticed the man in the Air Force fatigues furiously trying to get her attention. It wasn't until one of the class managers came up to her, tapped her on the shoulder and pointed that she noticed it was Siler. She raised her hand to let him know she saw him and was on her way to him. Breathing hard and using her towel to wipe the sweat from her face she went out into the entry way. "Siler?" She took in the stricken look on his face and wondered if it was her parents or children or...Jon. "Dr. Greene, there has been an emergency and Dr. Fraizer wants you to come to the hospital." Seeing her pale, he quickly let her know that it wasn't her family or Colonel O'Neill, but that they needed her services. "Let me get my bag and change. I'll meet you outside." She headed to get her bag, but he told her they would provide her with a set of scrubs when she got to the hospital. Looking at her black high-top cross-trainers and what passed for her workout clothes, Beth wondered at the reaction her friends and colleagues would have when they saw her. She noticed that Siler had a slight grin on his face. He was watching her looking at her attire. She gave him a look and then said. "Siler, you do understand that I have a set of scalpels and that I know how to use them?" Siler grinned back at her and assisted her into the car. As the car raced through the late May night Beth wondered what was so urgent that they would have her come as she was to the hospital. Nothing could have been that serious? Could it? Little did she know that things were that serious. Jack stayed with Sam outside of Evan's bedside and prayed very hard for Gayle. It seemed to be such an odd coincidence that they would be here at the same time and that both "significant others" suffered the same medical emergency. With her hair still damp from the hurried shower she took in Janet's office, Beth went into nurse's station of the ER and pulled Gayle's chart. When she got to the results of the blood work her eyes widened, then she squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again. What she saw on the chart was not a result of contact lenses that had passed their expiration date. "Not possible," she kept repeating to herself. "This is not possible." A female hand on her shoulder caused her to look at its owner and she turned to find Janet nodding and saying that she felt that way too. "Here..." Janet said and handed her Evan's chart. Beth looked at his lab results and they were similar to Gayle's. "How is this possible?" Janet shook her head. "I have called for an Hematologist to come and look at the results." "Is this what caused Evan to die?" "I don't know. But it is kind of a strange coincidence that Gayle and Evan have this condition and that they both were stricken almost at the same time. It just boggles my mind." Beth took another look at the results and shook her head. "I'm looking at what appears to be normal red and white cells?
I just wanna hear some rhythm
I just wanna hear some rhythm
I just wanna hear some rhythm
I just wanna hear some rhythm
I want a thousand guitars
I want pounding drums
I want a million different voices
Speaking in tongues
Beth's gold eyes glowed for a second. "J.R. what are you not telling me?"
In response Janet just spread her hands.
"Janet Ruth Fraizer. What are you trying to tell me, by not telling me?"
Her friend still wouldn't answer her question. Beth rapidly turned the information around in her head. She suddenly lifted her head and looked at Janet, her eyes wide.
"Oh no...no no..." Her eyes flew to the door to the waiting area. "Please tell me that you don't think that...." She blew out a breath and ran a hand threw her hair. "Oh Jon is going to be so pissed."
"That is probably going to be one of the mildest reactions he will have."
"How is Sam?" Beth turned to the double doors leading to the waiting room. "She isn't here by herself is she?"
"No, the Colonel is with her." Janet emphasized the word Colonel to warn Beth about where she was and that Jon couldn't be more than Colonel O'Neill to Sam, even at a time like this.
"Do you want to tell them?"
Janet's brown eyes had a weary look to them. "Not really, but I know it is best that I talk to them." Sighing, she also told Beth that Gayle was not going to last much longer.
"Maybe I should mention it to Jack when it is all over. At least he can say goodbye to her without any lingering bad feelings."
"But Janet..." Beth stopped her friend. "Maybe if she has answers, it might be better they say goodbye honestly. Only Gayle can tell him why an alien was sent to..." Beth couldn't finish it. Jon didn't need to hear that the woman he was involved with was sent to entrap him, but then again, he would need the truth to help him deal with the anger and the pain of her loss.
"Let's just wait until we get the hematology report and then we can decide. In the meantime, just go out there and give what comfort you can to them."
Beth nodded, put the charts back and headed to the waiting room.
Jack's long association with Beth alerted him to her troubled state of mind. He lifted a brow when she came into the room and didn't see anything in her eyes that changed his mind.
"What's wrong?" His voice was smooth, but the sharp tones lingered behind his words.
She shook her head as she sat next to Sam and put her arm around her friend.
"We don't know, Jon." Beth tried to keep her voice neutral. Jon O'Neill could be many things, but stupid was really not one of them. The Village Idiot that he allowed people to see hid a very sharp mind. She knew she had to be careful with her words and her tone. "Janet is waiting for one more report to come back." That was true.
"Uh huh." Jack's reply showed his skepticism. "May I see her?"
"In a bit," Beth answered and then murmured something to Sam. The blond hair swung slightly in denial.
"Honestly Beth, I don't know if he has family or not. I called over to Area 51 and spoke with your brother. Aaron seemed to think that Evan was orphaned at a fairly young age and lived with a foster family." She paused for a moment. "I just don't know."
Beth nodded and made a mental note to call her brother.
"Jon? Does Gayle have any family?"
Jack shook his head. "She lived with her Grandmother from her teens on. Her grandmother died about 15 years ago."
"So there is no family to make any arrangements?"
Again a shake of the head.
"OK. So I will go and contact the Chaplain." Beth got up and headed for the door and suddenly turned. "Did Evan belong to any Church or Spiritual group?"
Sam closed her eyes and answered that he just recently started going to Church with her.
"Maybe you might want to call your Minister. Maybe there is something he can do."
Sam nodded and Beth then gave Jack one final look before leaving the waiting room.
(Chorus)
I was driving through the misty rain
Just a-searching for a mystery train
Bopping through the wild blue
Trying to make a connection with you
Janet threw down the report in disgust. What they had speculated was true. There were too many items to ignore. Neither Gayle nor Evan were human and their blood work had confirmed it. Their blood work was normal. And that, she knew, was the problem. There was nothing in their lab work that showed why their bodies were breaking down as if there was an abnormality. If any of her patients had results this good, she would be dancing a jig, not shaking her head and fearing for the worst. Doctor Warner sat in with Janet and Beth Greene.
"Aplastic Anemia?" Janet looked up at Dr. Warner.
Janet could not believe what she was seeing. Their bodies were breaking down as though they'd had this blood disorder for some time. Their systems were shutting down like they were in the end stages of that disease. Perfectly healthy people do not develop Aplastic Anemia symptoms overnight, at least not at the stage they were presenting at the time of admission.
"Bill, this just isn't possible. Not with these results." Janet read through the results again and handed them to Bill Warren and Beth Greene.
"The tech in hematology and Dr. Graves-Steven...even he didn't understand this."
"We're missing something Janet," Bill Warner added. "Something important."
"Maybe so, but I don't think we are going to get any more information. Dr. Stanton will, of course, perform the autopsy on Evan and Gayle, but I don't know if we will find something we would recognize."
"Janet..." Beth looked up from the results. "Do you think that Sam's father might be able to help us makes heads or tails of this?"
Janet's brow furrowed in thought. "That might be possible. The Tok'ra are light years ahead of us, that is something we probably need to look into."
"She doesn't have very long does she?" Beth asked. Warner shook his head in reply.
"Is she lucid enough to talk to anyone?" Janet asked.
"Lucid? I don't really know how much. But she keeps asking for Colonel O'Neill."
"Maybe we should let him see her. He needs to know the truth, but I don't know if we should tell him before he sees her or let her tell him. I think she wants to." Beth stated, hesitantly. She knew Jon was torn as far as Gayle was concerned. She sensed that for some reason he felt as if he "owed" her his love and loyalty, well if not his love, then certainly his loyalty. She wondered how Gayle's confession would affect him.
"Well I think we need to all go talk to Major Carter and Colonel O'Neill," Warner said.
The other two nodded in agreement.
The silence that greeted the three doctors after their bombshell was, as they say, deafening.
"You knew this when you came to see us?" Jack's cold accusatory tone was directed at Beth. It caused him some satisfaction to see her flinch at his tone.
"We had to be sure, Colonel," Dr. Warner told him. "We guessed, but weren't sure."
Jack vaguely heard him, but his eyes were on his friend. His betrayal, he knew, was not by her, but the woman that wormed his way into his life and his heart, but he needed to lash out.
"Why? Why did you keep it from me, Beth?"
Beth looked away from him and towards Janet.
"Don't look at her!" He said harshly. "Look at me. Look at me and tell me why you felt it necessary to lie."
His harsh tones caused her golden eyes to tear up and she balled her hands into fists. Taking a few calm breaths she looked into his hard and angry eyes.
"And what would have done then, Jon? Rush to her and demand answers?"
Sam immediately stood up and walked towards him. She started to put out her hand to touch his shoulder, but stopped before she made contact.
"Sir," she said, her voice quiet, "they're right, you know."
He swung his eyes towards hers but said nothing and turned back to the three doctors.
"Jon..." Beth began tentatively, only to be interrupted by Janet.
"You can be a rude bastard you know that, Jack?" Janet's temper was flaring. "We did what we felt was best. You might not like it, but that was our decision to make."
Jack looked at Janet, still with murder in his eyes, but said nothing.
"She wants to talk to you. She wants to see you. And the only way we will get any answers is if you pull back on the attitude and go to her."
"And say what?" The anguish in his voice was now more noticeable.
"Whatever it is you feel you have to or need to say," Janet answered.
Brown eyes met brown. "It's a shock, I know this. But one thing about Gayle was...is...true," Janet said softly. "She loves you. No matter what you might think or feel about why she and Evan were here. Gayle loved you."
Jack knew, on some level, that Janet was right. Gayle loved him. He could see it in her eyes, hear it in her voice and see how she came alive whenever he was around. He also carried a fair amount of guilt too. He didn't love her back, well, maybe not as much as he felt she needed and deserved. His heart had always been sectioned off. Charlie, Sara, Beth...other sections that he parceled out. Sections that he didn't dare acknowledge not to himself or to others. People might suspect and speculate...but not know for sure.
Jack realized they were all looking at him and he nodded. "OK, I will go and see her. And Janet..." He cleared his throat. "...I will be gentle."
Jack walked from the waiting room to the ER cubicle where Gayle had been laying on a hospital bed. He had found her cubicle empty when he got there and then was told that she had been transferred to the ICU.
Gayle had been intermittently conscious when Jack went into see her. She would smile when saw him and it appeared to him as if she had perked up a little, but then she would lapse back into unconsciousness. Visitation was limited to 15 minutes each hour for the ICU and it was during that waiting time that Beth found Jack. He was sitting on one of the chairs, one of his legs was drawn up onto the seat and he had his arms wrapped around that knee with his head down.
The room's lights were dimmed and she guessed that since he was alone, he wanted it that way. Hiding in the dark...something they were both pretty good at when they were distressed and wanted to be left alone.
"Jon?" Her voice, which was toned in a low whisper, seemed to carry in the room as if she had shouted his name.
He looked up at her, his eyes dark and still. She knew that he was anything but "still". That was not a word anyone would have used to describe him under any circumstances.
"What do you want?" Jack's voice was flat. There was no real emotion in his question to her, it was just delivered.
"How is Gayle?"
"Don't you already know?" The edge in his tone was there now.
"Clinically I know how she is, Jon." Beth went over the seat next to him, but did not reach out to touch him. She could feel the "don't touch" vibration as clearly as if said the word.
He sat up suddenly, both feet now on the floor. "So who is asking now. Dr. Elizabeth Greene-Morgan or Beth?"
Beth didn't answer him. It was pointless to talk to him when he got like that.
Jack snorted and said in a scoffing tone, "The one time when it should have been my friend Beth that spoke to me, I got the good Doctor."
"That's not fair, Jon." Beth tried to keep her temper in check. She expected him to be upset, but that unfairly angry struck a nerve. "I have a job to do. Your friend Beth couldn't possibly have answered your questions."
"Really?" Jack stood up and stood in front of her. "Why is that?"
Beth gave him a push against his chest with both hands. He moved back without resistance.
"Because, as you well know, sometimes there are situations that call for a difference."
"Really? You think that the good doctor would war with the friend in answering me honestly."
"Oh piss off, Jon!" Beth stood right up to him; they were toe to toe. "Why don't you remember that feeling the next time Colonel Jack O'Neill makes an appearance in a similar situation?"
Beth then stormed off.
Tears gathered in her eyes as she headed to the locker she was sharing with Janet that evening.
Grabbing her workout bag, Beth headed out to the parking lot. Sgt. Siler had made sure her car was delivered to the hospital and she was glad she didn't have to beg a ride or call a cab. There was only one place she could go right now to sort out her own feelings.
Janet called Jack in the next time his visit could start and told him straight out that she didn't think that there would be any more.
"Try and talk to her Jack. Remember that she loves you and that you also had...have feelings for her as well," Janet told him. "We backed off on the pain medication so you two could talk. She is aware she is going to die soon and asked that we stopped the pain medication long enough to talk to you."
Jack nodded as Janet patted him on the arm before she walked off.
He walked into the room and listened as the machines silently did their work. He was amazed that with all that equipment she would still be able to fight to talk to him.
Sitting on the worn chair next to her bed, he took her hand, careful not to dislodge the IV.
Gayle made a sudden move and opened her eyes; they were clear and brown. It surprised him to see that.
"You came." Her voice was strained, as if it was taking every last ounce of her energy to speak. And in reality it was.
"Well ,of course I did," Jack answered, picking up her hand and kissing the knuckles.
She smiled sadly, sighed and coughed.
"Do you want some water?" Jack asked her.
She shook her head slowly. "No, but we need to talk."
Jack kept hold of her hand as she haltingly started to talk to him about what had happened and why.
The lights of the Recreation area of the SGC were dimmed.
The tall man walking down the hallway towards the aerobics room made his way with sure footing. He had been there before, and the semi-darkness didn't bother him.
He heard the pounding rhythm of Springsteen's Radio Nowhere and immediately knew where Beth was. It was usual for her to take out her stress, anger and sadness with physical activity and she loved to dance. So it was no surprise when at the hospital, he asked where she went and they told her the SGC. He knew immediately where she was headed. Of course, at this time of the night - or early morning - it would be the only place to go.
The music became louder and more distinct as he reached the rec room and stood by the door looking into the window as she did her routine, also in a dimmed room. He knew she was crying as she did it. Her steps were sure but her energy was wasn't quite there. All of a sudden she lost her footing and went down and he saw that she was crying in earnest when that happened.
He opened the door, quickly ran to her side and pulled her into his arms. He felt her shake as she snuggled into them and asked him to not leave her again.
"Never," he replied and tightened his hold. As his eyes, one blue, one brown, closed in a silent prayer, he also sighed in relief. No, Ben told himself, he wasn't going to let her go again. She was as much his life, as he was hers and whatever happened from now on, they would deal with it together.
The hospital was quiet this early in the morning and Jack barely moved from the hospital bed. This would be the last of his 15 minute visits. Her breathing had become more irregular - Cheyne Stoking is what Janet had told him. That and she had lapsed into a coma.
The last conversation they had after she explained everything to him, tore into his soul.
"Did you love me, even just a little?" she asked him right before lapsing into the coma.
He took some comfort in knowing she heard his response. Her smile was still there.
"More than just a little." He bent over and had kissed her forehead and smiled back at her.
Suddenly the alarms went off and a sea of hospital staff raced in and pushed him out of the room.
He watched as they turned off the alarms, started to disconnect the equipment and then lovingly and carefully pulled the sheet up over her head.
He wiped the tears from his eyes as he spent one last minute looking at her body and swore that Kinsey and his ilk would pay for this.
(Chorus)
I just wanna hear some rhythm
I just wanna hear some rhythm
I just wanna hear your rhythm
I just wanna hear your rhythm