Secret Identities

By Zeki Bahamut

~In Tokyo Japan….

Heero: -sips on his coffee- Where is that Wufei? He said that he would bring me some sugar. Damn this bitter coffee… Maybe I should try some tea…. -As he reaches for a cup of tea left on the counter there is a mad giggle in the hallway- -Shrugs as he sips at it, suddenly gleeful-

Heero/Relena: -smoochies air- Hey… where am I? One moment I'm making out with my Heero doll, and now I'm in HeeHee's house! YAY! Hee heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! COME TO MEEEEEEEE!

Shadow in the hallway: You will never escape this torture…. Hehehehehehehheheheheh Beat my game if you can, Perfect Soldier Heero Yuy.

Meanwhile…

Relena/Heero: -looks down at the doll- WHAT THE HELL?!?!?! -Throws it across the room- I was just drinking some tea! How did I end up in a PINK room with FRILLS and me making out with a doll of myself?! GAWD! -Stomps out of the room, slamming the door-

Zechs: Someone's PMSing…

Relena/Heero: -stops in the hall and glares at Zechs- I am a guy, imbecile, and I am NOT PMSing. Ugh! -Stomps down the stairs towards Tallgeese-

Zechs: What makes you think I'm talking about you?! -Turns to a familiar shadow- So Noin….

Relena/Heero: Who does he think he is? Just because he tried to kill me so many times doesn't give him the right to say I'm PMSing. -Tears roll down face- I am NOT… -climbs into the pilot's seat thingy- -looks at clothing- What the Hell?! -Rips the pink dress to ribbons and changes into Zechs' red coat that he just so happened to leave in the Gundam- Ah…. Now… where's that 'on' button…. There it is! -Pushes it-

Gundam: -explodes-

Relena/Heero: MISSION COMPLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETEEEEEEE! -Flies into the atmosphere and lands on BUM BUM BUM…. HEERO'S HOUSE!-

It's a Gundam Guy: It's a GUNDAAAAAAAAAAAAM!

At the Gundam boy's place…

Heero/Relena: -corners Duo- Tell me now. Where is my Hee-chan? I'll make you watch Barney again…

Duo: -shudders- No, no…. Anything but that! I don't know what you're talking about. You are Heero! Have you gone hysterical?!

Heero/Relena: Tell me or else… -is interrupted as a figure falls through the roof- EEK! -Dives for a corner-

Duo: Please, send me home! I don't wanna… heeeeeeeeey… It's Relena! God save me! I promise that I'll never complain about Barney again… -he whimpers as he crawls out of the room-

Relena/Heero: -Coughs as he/she stands- What the Hell… How did I get here? Oh well, now to finish what I started. -Walks out the door and heads for his room to get some fresh clothing-

Heero/Relena: Ouch! The roof hit me. Why didn't Hee-chan save me? I must find my love so I may ask him! -Skips down the hallway and trips over the Mr. Gosh doll- My knee… -bleeds- Why isn't my blood its usual neon pink? Hmm… I must not have had enough cotton candy this morning. -Shrugs and stands, walking down the stairs into the kitchen-

In Heero's room…

Relena/Heero: -Looks into closet- Now… what to wear… -He sees and assortment of green shirts, spandex shorts and tight jeans as well as a set of full black clothing for special occasions- Awe, shit. I feel like killing someone today. I'll wear the black. -He slips into the clothing that consists of a black trenchcoat, tight black Levi's, and a tight black tee shirt- Ah, this fits much more nicely than that coat. Only… hmm… those chest exercises must really be helping; this seems a bit tight… Oh well. I have to go get me a doughnut. -Turns around and is hit in the face with long hair. Heero, however, being colorblind at the moment, thinks that he just needs a haircut- Damn this hair. It seems to grow so long overnight. -pulls out a pair of scissors and cuts it raggedly, not needing a mirror- -shakes his head around, gladly free of those long locks- Now for that doughnut… -exits the house, passing right by Relena, who he thinks is just a reflection of himself in an oddly placed mirror-

In the kitchen….

Heero/Relena: -turns around and sees a figure move in the shadows- Hmm… could that be Hee-chan? -Looks closer into the shadows- Nope. Not short enough. It must be one of the other boys… I really should be getting home. I need to change clothing and eat breakfast before I… hehehe… continue my reunion with my UFO doll…. -She sneaks out the front door on her way to the mansion by the ocean-

Meanwhile…

Shadow: That was close. I hope she doesn't figure out who it is…

A voice from the closet behind him: I'm not dead yet!

Shadow: Well you soon will be!

Giant Monty Python Foot: -Squishes the guy in the closet (AKA It's a Gundam Guy)-

Shadow: Thanks a lot. -Shoves the 'It's A Gundam Guy' into the wheelbarrow that the doughnut man is pushing-

Doughnut man: Thanks! I can put this in my new batch! -Runs off to the doughnut shop-

Shadow: That takes care of that moron. Whoever sees a Gundam will not live to tell the tale…. -Laughs maniacally as the scene changes-

At the doughnut shop a short while later….

Gackt: -Slides by singing 'Albuquerque' in a pretty Japanese man voice-

Doughnut man: Yeah, Whaddya want??

Relena/Heero: You got any glazed doughnuts?

Doughnut man: Nah, we're outta glazed doughnuts.

Relena/Heero: Well, you got any jelly doughnuts?

Doughnut man: No, we're outta jelly doughnuts.

Relena/Heero: You got any Bavarian Cream-filled doughnuts?

Doughnut man: No, we're outta Bavarian Cream-filled doughnuts.

Relena/Heero: You got any cinnamonimuminum rolls?

Doughnut man: No, we're outta… what did you call them?

Relena/Heero: Cinnamonimuminum?

Doughnut man: Yeah, that.

Relena/Heero: You got any apple fritters?

Doughnut man: No, we're outta apple fritters!

Relena/Heero: You got any Spare Mobile Suit parts?

Doughnut man: ….Wait a minute. I'll go check.

Relena/Heero: -sits in silence waiting for the doughnut guy to come back-

Doughnut man: No, we're outta Spare Mobile Suit Parts!

Relena/Heero: Well in that case, in that case what DO you have?

Doughnut man: All I got right now is one box of a dozen starving half-crazed chibis.

Relena/Heero: All right I'll take that. -Takes box- -runs out door and shoves a bomb into the box, throwing it across the street hoping it does not go off too soon-

Tifa: Heeeeeeeeeey… what do you think you're doing Lady?

Relena/Heero: Lady? What do you mean by that….?

Box of chibis: -Explodes-

Tifa guts: -squish squish-

Relena/Heero: Well, shit. -Walks off to Relena's house to strangle Zechs-

At Relena's mansion….

Heero/Relena: -Skips up the stairs, tripping on her strangely large feet-

Gackt: -slides by singing 'Trip Like I Do' in a pretty Japanese man voice-

Heero/Relena: -Finally makes it upstairs and runs lop-sided into Zech's room- BROTHER! -Latch-

Zechs: -Looks down at the person in Heero's body- What do you think you are doing?

Heero/Relena: No time! I gotta go! -Lets go and runs into her room to change into some fresh clothes-

Relena's Hell hole…

Heero/Relena: Now now…. What to wear… hmmm… -Stares into a closet full of bright pink and clashing outfits- Ah! There it is! -Grabs a yellow skirt with pink polka-dots and a lime green shirt, now a bit loose fitting around the chest- -Puts it on and then reaches for a striped red and white berate- I'm ready now! -Runs out of the pink frilly room filled with hearts and teddy bears and plenty of UFO dolls. (Mostly of Heero in hideous outfits) He/she trips down the stairs and grabs a piece of toast, (which is NOT Heero for he is a Twinkie :D ) shoving it down his/her throat before returning upstairs clumsily to continue… whatever he/she was doing before the body switch-

Meanwhile…

Relena/Heero: -Creeps into the mansion, looking around awed- Wow… I wish I had enough money to… no I don't. If I did I could just borrow some from Quatre… -Looks about the ground floor, not quite remembering how he even got out of this place, or into it for that matter… -Where the hell am I? I should've brought that map that Duo used to jack some of Zechs' underwear that one time… Why did he do that anyway… -Sneaks about, opening a door that he was guessing to be the door to the elevator- -Gasps- OH MY GOD! -Eyes widen as he sees a room filled with lit candles, incense, his toe-nail clippings some of his moss green hair and a few of his dirty socks- What does she DO in here?! Does she worship me of something?! -Imagines Relena bowing at the altar, singing some hymns that remind him a bit of Banshee cries- I don't think I want to know. -As he turns a bit of crimson catches his eye, he examined closer- A blood sacrifice… all right, I'm leaving. -Walks out the door-

Meanwhile….

Shadow: -Jumps on a trampoline, flipping in the air- Teehee! Man, Kefka, can you tightrope walk too?

Kefka: I sure can! Want me to demonstrate? -Is shot by a cannon and is blasted into the atmosphere-

Shadow: Well that takes care of the rest of my competition…. -Giggles boyishly-

Cannon: -Malfunctions ant blows Shadow into the atmosphere into… BUM BUM BUUUUUUUM! Zechs' room!-

Back at the mansion…

Relena/Heero: -Finishes crawling up the last of the stairs- My -pant- God -Pant- how does Zechs -Pant- handle this -Pant- -Drags self into the nearest room, finding himself face to face with Relena in his body!-

Heero/Relena: -Glances up from the UFO doll, seeing herself on the floor- -Turns back to the Doll- -DOUBLE TAKE!- -Drops the doll- EEEEEEEEEEEEEK! Hee-chan! Help me! My shadow has found a way to attack me!

Relena/Heero: -Yells and stands up quickly- THE HELL! What is my clone doing here! I thought the Professors had it stored away until they found out a way to keep me immortal! Wait… your shadow? Please tell me… erm… Me, what do I look like to you?

Heero/Relena: Me with short hair dressed in black. -Pouts glancing at the sheared hair-

Relena/Heero: That doesn't help…

-A screech is heard from a few feet away-

Relena/Heero: What in the name of Wing Zero was that? -Dashes into the room next door with the girl trapped in his body following-

Zechs: NOIN! Save me! -Cowers in corner looking at the shifting pile of rubble that was once the ceiling-

Noin: Calm down… -Turns to the rubble- you, uh… whatever you are! Come out of there right now!

Shadow: Kinda hard when there is all this stuff on top of you. -Throws the stuff off of him revealing a figure in full back, and an oddly shaped head under a ski mask-

Relena/Heero: So it was Gumby all along!

Noin: -Pulls off the ski mask to reveal that the person just had oddly shaped hair, jutting out in front of his eye-

Heero/Relena: Trowa! I knew that I forgot to ask someone about my Hee-chan. -Strokes chin-

Zechs: EEK! A clown! Save me Noin! -Shudders-

Noin: It's all right. -Covers his eyes and whispers into his ear-

Relena/Heero: Trowa, so you were the one who switched Relena and my bodies!

Heero/Relena: I still say it was the Turtles from the Black Lagoon.

Relena/Heero: I would kill you if I didn't want my body back. Trowa! Tell me how to get my body back!

Trowa: -Laughs maniacally- That's the whole beauty! You can't!

Relena/Heero: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Heero: -Jerks awake- NOOOOOOOOOOOO! -Looks around and sighs- That was an odd dream…

Wufei: In the name of Nataku, we're out of sugar!

Heero: Oh shit… not this again…

The End…. Or is it?