My Nifty Play

Curtain rises to show a stool with a book on it, and nothing more. A spotlight shines down directly on top of the stool. Spotlight remains stationary for all of the following. A normal-looking human being walks on stage over to a stool, picks up book, and sits down on the floor. S/he opens book to random page and begins to read.

Normal-Looking Person: (Intensly, never lifting eyes from book) ATTENTION: This story, in its entirety, is, for the most part, completely true as best I can remember it, which isn’t saying much since I was high, drunk, and watching anime at the time. Ha ha, just kidding, I don’t drink OR do drugs. And remember, friends don’t let friends watch anime. So, that being said and all, this is a true story, DAWG (Doomed American War Garbonzo-bean), so yes, do enjoy, and have some tea while you’re at it.

NLP closes book with a snap! and sets it back on the stool, then walks off stage just as s/he came it, with absolute care and stability. Same NLP walks in from opposite side of stage, picks up book again, sits on stool this time, and begins to read again.

NLP: (Careful speech, passionate, as if reading poetry) She had the absolute HUGEST breasts I had ever seen in my entire life. Oh my God, I could have reached out and held my hands a good foot away from her heart and managed to have them almost completely in my grasp. How is it possible to have such huge breasts, you may ask? Ah, but you think she is human... (Slams book shut and jumps up off of stool. Throws it onto the ground so that it lands making as much noise as possible.) WELL THINK OUTSIDE THE BOX, YOU CLOSE-MINDED JERK-OFF!!! (Raving, waving arms, pacing a little in and out of light.) She was a gnat, okay? A gnat. Jesus. You know, sometimes we defy the laws of physics and sometimes we don’t, but you ALWAYS have to deal with it. God, why is this so difficult for you? I swear to... shit... what is it? Tuesday? I swear to Vishnu! She was a gnat and her breasts were huge. DEAL WITH IT. (Picks book up and sits back down. Begins reading in the same careful, slow manner.) She was a gnat, and because her breasts were so undeniably huge, she could not fly, therefore she was grounded. (Looks up from book, picks an audience member and engagingly locks eyes with them. Speaks darkly.) As in you-just-wrecked-your-car-against-the-side-of-your-house-while-you-were-drunk-high-and-watching-anime grounded. (Returns to book.) Being as she was a gnat, she lacked any particular purpose in life and, because of this, commited suicide by suffocating herself in her own breasts. Because they were huge. The end. (Shuts books with a slam. Looks off to the side.) I hate this book...

Another Normal-Looking Person, dressed exactly like NLP, speaks from the shadows outside the spotlight.

NLP_2: (Earnest, wondering) Then why do you read it every night before bed?

NLP: (Angry) Because I want to, okay? Because I want to.

NLP_2: Poor gnat...

NLP: (Hops up out of stool, half in and out of light.) Oh my God, if you start that (makes quote-symbols with fingers) sympathize-with-the-gnat crap tonight, I swear to Vishnu this will be the last night you have the tongue to do it with.

NLP_2: (Defensively, yet fake) Hey now, no need for hostility. I just had to get that off my chest, you know?

NLP: Shit, no one cares about you.

NLP_2: (Quietly) You’re just mad ‘cause you’re a jerk and nobody likes you.

NLP: (Kicks stool off to the side) You know, I’ve had enough of your weak-ass bullshit. (Turns to where the voice is coming from)

NLP_2: (Thoughtful) I suppose you’d like to kill me now.

NLP: (Sarcastic, biting) Oh wow, you’re a sharp one, you are.

NLP_2: Actually, I saw this coming so I... came prepared. (A faint, electronic beep is heard.)

NLP: (Accusing) And what was that?

Lights suddenly come on, illuminating entire stage. Another NLP (NLP_3), dressed just like the other two, comes running in from the right of the stage, then slides to a stop next to NLP, grabbing his/her shoulder for support.

NLP_3: They’re done! They’re done! They’re finally done!! (Enraptured, falls to knees crying and panting at the same time.)

NLP: (Yelling) What the hell?!

NLP_2: (Like a stoner) Cookies, man. We made cookies. Jesus...

NLP: (Suspicious) What kind of cookies?

NLP_3: (Cries) Mint-chocolate chip!!

NLP: Oh my God, NO! Mint-chocolate chip’s an ice cream flavor!!

NLP_2: Hey man, sometimes we defy the laws of physics and sometimes we don’t, you know?

NLP: (Screaming) GOD, NO!!! (NLP_2 and NLP_3 turn and walk away as NLP falls to ground, crying pitifully. Wraps arms around knees and sits on floor where stool was. Lights dim until only spotlight is left. NLP whimpers:) I hate that stupid book... I hate that stupid book... (weaker) I hate that stupid book... (weaker) Go away... God, go away...

NLP_3 walks back onto stage and sets a plate next to NLP. It has a single green cookie on it.

NLP_3: (Coldly) Eat it, you’ll feel better.

NLP weakly reaches over, picks up cookie, looks at it hesitantly and then looks up at NLP_3. NLP_3 smiles coldly. NLP takes a bite of it, then sets it back down and stares at the floor.

NLP_3: There’s a good boy. (Ruffles NLP’s hair affectionately.) Finish it up and then get some rest. Good night. (Walks off stage.)

NLP: (In a whisper) Good night... (Begins crying again.)