Alex Trebek: Welcome to Jeopardy! I am Alex Trebek and-
Zell: Heee-ey! You're that dude on the Hooked on Phonics commercial!
Alex: Ah. Yes. Why yes I am. Like I was sayin-
Zell: That piece of junk game didn't work!
Alex: (trying to stay calm) Well Mr. Dincht I didn't make the game so-
Zell: Yeah but it didn't work! You lied! (Beats his fist on the podium)
Alex: (eyebrow twitches) Zell please refrain from hitting the podium! Ahem. (Smiles and turns to the camera. Music starts up again.) I am Alex Trebek. This show is about as exciting as watching cheese mold
(Camera moves to Irvine)
Alex: This is 446-43… huh? (Looks at his papers) Mr. Kinneas, what in the world are all those numbers where your name is supposed to be?
Irvine: It's for all the ladies… my number. Write it down for future reference. (Winks)
Seifer: Cool! You can change the names on the podiums? (Leans over and writes 'chicken-wuss' on Zell's when he isn't looking)
Zell: Hey! (Punches at Seifer and changes it back)
Alex: This is Zell, a cadet in the military group Seed-
Zell: SeeD!
Alex: Boy I am getting tired of your jibba-jabba!
Seifer: Heh heh, chicken-wuss…
Zell: WHAT DID YOU SAY!!!? (Flips Seifer off)
Irvine: Did you just say… jibba-jabba? (Looks at Alex)
(Silence. Someone in the audience coughs)
Alex: A-anyway…
(Camera moves to Seifer)
Alex: This is mister… good God…
(Seifer leans over to see what was written on his podium)
Seifer: Who put my name as FUTT BUCKER!!!?
(Zell laughs and whistles innocently)
(Seifer tackles Zell, and when they're on the ground, Irvine writes 'Loozers' on their podiums.)
Zell: A-A-A-Alex! Seifer stabbed me with the little pointer-mabob that's used to write names! (Whines)
Alex: AUGH! You guys be serious now!
(Everyone stands up and goes to their podium.)
Alex: (sighs) Okay. In the lead with 0 gil, is er- Futt Buc-
Seifer: !!!
Alex: Ah, Seifer. He has been smart and decided to not answer a single question…then we have Zell, with -3,490 gil… and lastly, Irvine with… -186,903,465.23 gil. (Shakes head) All right, these are the Categories.
(Everyone turns to the big TV)
Alex: Rhymes With "Schmalbadia", The Girl Next Door, How Many Licks to the Center of a Marble and… Chest + Nut = ____? Seifer, with you in the lead, you get to start.
Seifer: (concentrates) I'll…take……The Girl Next Door!
Irvine: NOOOOO! I wanted that one! Lemme do it Futt Bucker!
Seifer: What did you call me? (Reaches for his Hyperion)
Alex: THE QUESTION IS…
(Everyone gets quiet again)
Alex: …what is The Girl Next Door?
Seifer: Wait. I thought this was about… the girl who lives next door to me.
Alex: (slaps forehead)
Irvine: (beating his buzzer repeatedly)
Alex: Mr. Kinneas… would you like to take this one…?
Irvine: The Girl Next Door is a dirty magazine!!!
*Bzzzzzzzzzt*
Alex: (winces) ooh, I'm so sorry. It was supposed to be in the form of a question.
Irvine: BUT-!!!
*Bzzzzzzzzzt*
Alex: Your turn Zell!
Zell: Erm… I'll take Rhymes With "Schmalbadia" please
Alex: (clears throat) What… rhymes with the word…… "Schmalbadia"?
Zell: (leans his elbow on the podium) Let's see…Falbadia?
*Bzzzzzzzzzt*
Alex: So sorry, the answer was Galbadia.
Seifer; I can't believe you didn't get that, chicken-wuss! It's so easy!
Zell: Well lemme see YOU do one smarty-pants!
Seifer: FINE! How Many Licks to the Center of a Marble, Alex! (Beats his fist on the podium)
Alex: 1,563,448,011,178,904,345,866.3498766666
Seifer: What is how many licks to the center of a marble?
*Ding ding ding*
Alex: That is correct!
Zell: (jaw drops) Whaaaaaaaaaa?
Irvine: This game is messed up!
Zell: I know! I'm gonna go on strike!
Alex: Zell…… you don't work here.
Zell: Okay then, can I get job here as janitor?
(Alex looks off-stage and whispers to his manager)
Alex: Yes.
Zell: I'm going on strike! I refuse to clean up after you!
Seifer: Heh.
Irvine: Why does he get a job? I want one!
Alex: Everyone shut up!
(Everyone shuts up.)
Irvine: My turn my turn!
Alex: Yes… (Clenched teeth) So…
Irvine: I'll take Chest + nut = _____ Mr. Trebek! I'm feelin' lucky tonight!
Alex: (sighs and leans on the podium) You know the question, answer it.
Irvine: Che-
*Bzzzzzzzzzt*
Irvine: HEY!
(Alex drowns out Irvine's ranting and raving with the buzzer)
Alex: Let's go to the Final Jeopardy. The category is, spell the word 'cat.' That's easy enough for you morons, right?
(They all shake their heads)
Alex: You know, cat!
Seifer: ?
Alex: It's small, furry… (Sighs) It goes "meow"…
Irvine: (raises eyebrow) …?
Alex: C-A-T!!!
Zell: Ohh… (Nods)
(Jeopardy music plays)
Alex: Alright Seifer, let's see it.
KAT
Alex: And… what did you wager? (Sighs)
All of the chicken-wuss' gil
Alex: Well. Seeing that Zell has a negative amount of gil… I guess… nothing happens. (Puts a hand on his forehead) Zell… let's see yours.
SEIFER BUCKS FUTTS
(Alex presses his buzzer annoyedly to blank out all of Seifer's loud cussing)
Alex: What did you wager…?
1,987,434 GIL
(A loud flushing sound is heard as Zell's money drops even lower)
Irvine: My turn my turn!
Alex: Let's see it… not like it matters, seeing you're currently losing.
CAT
(Everyone gasps, and a few audience members faint. Alex spits out some coffee he got…somewhere… Seifer cusses in amazement.)
Alex: There is a God!!! What did you wager?
A 10-FOOT LONG BURRITO
(Loud slaps are heard as everyone hits their forehead.)
Alex: (groans) I wanna go home.
(People walk towards the door, and Zell and Seifer walk off stage with Alex. Irvine stays at his podium.)
Irvine: Where the heck is my burrito!? I got the answer right, didn't I?
(All the doors shut, and Irvine is left in the darkness)
Irvine: Hello…?
(The Jeopardy music plays, ends, and a janitor walks past and wipes over Irvine's feet with a mop.)
Rinoa: Irvine! Irvine!
(Irvine opens his eyes, only to see Rinoa, Selphie, Zell, Quistis and Squall standing over him in their pajamas, frowning.)
Selphie: You kept yelling something about Alex Trebek!
Zell: That's sick, even for you, man! I thought you liked women!
Irvine: I do I do!
Quistis: Prove it.
(Irvine smiles wickedly, and looks at the girls)
Rinoa, Selphie & Quistis: Nevermind!
(Everyone walks to the door and leaves.)
Zell (After the door closes): Man… Alex Trebek? You think he'd go for someone like… Squall.
Squall: HEY!
Zell: Sorry man, but it's true. He has seen you in your Pikachu underwear, after all.
Squall: Shut up! I got rid of those!
Everyone: Suuuuuure ya did.
(Irvine rolls over in bed and finds someone sleeping next to him.)
(Only to his horror…it was…)
(…!!!!!…)
Alex: Why, hello Irvine.
...To Be Continued!