(Another dangerous idea to give young children; like running with scissors)
Warning! At the time this was written I had never played the actual FFX and was basically making this all up from what I’d seen and heard from it. Oh, and I have nothing against African American people.
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Setting: Tidus and Wakka stroll down the cobblestone street towards the local Blitz-stadium for a friendly game of blitzball (well as friendly as blitzball can be, maybe there’s no blows to the crotch allowed, anyway…).
Wakka: So Tidus, ready for me to kick your ass?
Tidus: Heh, the day you kick my ass is the day I shave my head and become a monk.
Wakka: Well get your clippers ready.
Tidus: Ah bring it on.
They race faster towards the stadium and finally arrive
Tidus: Ok, I’ll get the scoreboard ready and you activate the aqua sphere.
Wakka: A’ight (like Lauren Hill)
Wakka goes to wherever the switch is to activate the thing that turns on the water pumps and attracts the water molecules to form the sphere. He hits the switch but nothing happens. He tries it several more times, and also punches it and flips it off (arm style like Zell). Needless to say it doesn’t work.
Tidus: Dude, hurry the hell up, I’m tired of waiting!
Wakka: It’s busted you moron! The switch won’t work for some reason.
Wakka walks out to the middle of the stadium to piss and moan with Tidus. All of a sudden everything around them freezes and the prayer child (still don’t know what the hell it is) appears next to them, they’re used to this now.
Tidus:Aw man, what do you want now you little shit?! We’re trying to have a game of blitzball here!
Prayer Child:……. You play by my rules now…..(he says this in a misty sort-of voice)
Wakka: Just shut up and make the aqua sphere work!
The prayer child lowers his head with his eyes closed and disappears
Tidus: Man!! How come when he comes he always says some stupid crap that doesn’t make sense and then just de-materializes?!
Time resumes as normal. Suddenly a low rumbling is heard and Tidus and Wakka look up just in time to see a giant mass of transparent bubble, which seems to contain desert scenery.
Wakka: Ok now I know something’s seriously screwed up.
Tidus: What the hell is it?
All of a sudden they realize the sphere is slowly falling into the stadium
Tidus&Wakka: AHHHHH!!!
They run full speed out of the stadium and stand back and watch what the sphere is going to do to the stadium. They both go into the fetal position and wait for a big collision, but it doesn’t come.
Wakka: You think its safe to go in?
Tidus: I dunno, lets go check it out.
They come back into the stadium to find that the usual area where the water goes is instead a barren desert wasteland
Tidus & Wakka: What the hell?!
Tidus: Ok, where’s that little bastard prayer child, I’m gonna kick his ass!
Wakka: Lets go inside
They walk in silence through the desert looking for some clue to what the heck is going on. Then they see two shadowy figures silhouetted in the distance. Tidus draws his sword while Wakka unsheathes his blitzball. Upon closer inspection the 2 figures are a wild looking young man with spiky blonde hair and gloves with metal knuckles on them, and a brown haired guy with a black leather jacket.
Tidus: (sword ready) Who are you?!
Blonde guy: I’d like to ask you the same question pal!
Black Jacket guy: Zell calm down, My name is Squall Leonheart and this is my comrade Zell Dincht.
Zell: What you trust these guys?
Squall: Well we don’t know what the hell is going on and apparently neither do these guys.
Zell: Psh, whatever man…ah I’m starting to sound like you.
Squall: …..whatever
Tidus and Wakka stare blankly
Tidus: Ok where did you guys come from? Do you live around here?
Zell: Dude, we don’t even know where we are, one minute me and Squall here finally get some hot dogs from the cafeteria and just as I was about to sink my teeth into the….savory…..morsels….we were like sucked into a wormhole or something and we ended up in this place.
Tidus: So is there any way for you to get back to wherever you’re from?
Squall: Again…we don’t know what the hell is going on.
Wakka: hmmmm
Everyone walks around trying to figure out what to do, well except Zell he’s doing that pacing thing and Squall is standing there with his arms folded.; All of a sudden Squall looks up just in time to see a basketball-sized stone hurtling out of the sky towards him
Squall :AAAAAAHHHHH!!
He dives out of the way and all of them go to see what the commotion was
Zell: (looks puzzled) ‘The hell?
Tidus: (picks it up with some difficulty) I…think it’s a…blitzball!
Squall: A what?
Wakka: A blitzball, it’s an underwater sport we play around here. Is it really Tidus? Let me see…
Tidus hands Wakka the “blitzball” which actually turns out to be a blitzball ( Wakka can tell since he uses them all the time)
Tidus: Ok, now this really makes no sense
Zell: ok lets get the hell out of here and try to find a way for us to get back.
Tidus: Good idea.
All of them head out of the stadium but Wakka (in the lead) runs into and invisible barrier in front of the stadium entrance
Wakka: Hey what’s the big idea?!
Then the voice of the prayer child echoes all around them “You cannot hope to win against others until you can defeat yourself”
Tidus : Damn that little bastard! I’ll kick his ass I swear it!!
Zell : What was that?
Wakka: Something called “the prayer child”, we have no idea what the hell it is.
Squall: So what are we supposed to do?
Then all of a sudden very bright lights illuminate the stadium and 4 figures appear on the opposite end of the arena
Tidus: What the?…
The figures advance toward them. On closer inspection Tidus and co. see that all the figures are African American versions of themselves ( a black Squall, Tidus, Wakka, and Zell.)
Zell: Dude, what the f*ck?!
Just as Zell states his confusion everyone (including the black versions) are hurtled into the middle of the desert arena. They wait in confusion when out of nowhere the prayer child appears in a referee uniform
Tidus: There you are!
He advances toward him but is stuck in place. The prayer child summons the stone blitzball and holds it, looking around at everyone*
“Now play…”
He throws the blitzball into the air
Squall: What are we supposed to do?
Tidus and Wakka rush forward to get ready to get the ball/boulder
Tidus: Just bash through our alter-ego’s and get that ball into their goal!
Wakka: You’ll see once the game progresses!
A fierce game of blitzbll begins, and I mean FIERCE. I mean they’re playing with out water for God’s sake! Anyway, at first since Squall and Zell didn’t have any idea how play blitzball, they got blasted by their black counterparts, but after a while they started to get the hang out it. Both Tidus’s and Wakka’s knew what they were doing so they did most of the playing. I’ll let you use your imagination on how gory the game was ‘cause I’m too lazy to describe it, but trust me, it was action packed. I will however describe the last part of it
Tidus has the ball he runs toward the goal, blood and sweat dripping down his face, his ears ringing. He uses his un-broken arm to throw the boulder/ball to Zell. Zell blasts the black Squall out of the way with a fast left hook then passes it to Wakka who passes it back to Tidus who’s right next to the goal and………… HE SCORES!!!
The scene changes immediately and all the players ( except the counter parts, they disintegrated) appear in the middle of the original blitz stadium. Every character from Final Fantasy’s 7, 8, and 10 are there with a whole huge party set up. There’s a huge roar from all the onlookers
All the players: Huh? Wha..happen…, etc
Soon Tidus, Squall, Wakka, and Zell get over their confusion, get washed up, and join the party; all with a little help from Aeris’ white magic
Tidus: (after taking a sip of beer) Ah this is the life, now where’s that prayer child?
Zell: (in conga line) O, I dunno, he left with some chick earlier.
Tidus: hey Wakka lets find that little shit!
Wakka: (arms around several sluty women including Seymour, Wakka’s too drunk to pay attention) Yeah!, uh excuse me ladies hic.
Squall: Count me in.
Zell: K later people, be right back! Yeah lets get that little bitch!
In the end they find the prayer child at the bar. They drag him off of the stool and beat him mercilessly. After bashing the “kid’s” head with a club Zell looks up and says….
Zell: Oh shit, how are we going to get back now?
Squall: Hey my woman’s a sorceress, she can take us back after the party’s over.
Zell: oh yeah! Alright guys lets get back to the pah-tay!
Tidus: Yeah!
So in the end everything turned out all right and everyone’s happy. Especially Tidus cause he finally got to beat the shit out of the prayer child. I hope you learned something from this, because I didn’t
The End