I was sitting in the corner of the local tavern one day, drinking away my woes and drowning myself in ale bought with money I didn’t have. Life was absolutely wretched; in just the last week my horse contracted meningitis and died, my makeshift hut of a home got blown away when a slight but otherwise pleasant breeze wandered through town, the recent rains rusted my only useable sword, and to top it off I lost all my pecuniary assets to a gypsy midget for a potion that was supposed to give me a longer, sexier, more irresistibly masculine… set of ears, but instead just wound up giving me a bad case of the runs. As I sat there wallowing in my misery, I snatched upon a most profound idea: I would become a thief! I had no other skills, the last job I had as a farmhand was now obsolete after King Steve ordered that all agricultural establishments be burned to a cindery crisp (he has an acute phobia of cattle-stench), and I always thought myself to be a natural filch besides. Newly resolved, I set out to apprentice myself to the first successful thief I could find. To my surprise, though, I found a slender codex staring up at me from beside my mountain of empty mugs. I must have been musing aloud in my half-drunken state, for on its front in large scripture was “The Handy-Dandy Guide on How to Steal from an Angry Monster.” Apparently, one of the real thieves at the pub left it for me. Intrigued, I flipped it open and began to read.

The Handy-Dandy Guide on How to Steal from an Angry Monster

You want to be a thief, do you? Sure, it sounds easy, but it’s a lot more complex than just mugging a kid for his lunch money. That doesn’t make you a thief, just another big stupid hulking bandit. Well, maybe you’re not big and hulking, but you’re a bandit nonetheless, and I could make a pretty good argument for the stupid bit. In any case, you’re not a true thief until you’ve read and applied this Handy-Dandy Guide on How to Steal from an Angry Monster.

First off, there are a few fundamental items you’ll need in order to even begin to think of thieving. The most important tools a thief has are his hands, so check the ends of your wrists and make sure they’re still there. Fingers come in pretty useful too, and if you have opposable thumbs then all the better. Other materials you might want are comfortable clothes that are easy to move around in and don’t make a lot of noise. As a thief you will rely on the element of surprise, and there’s something just a tad indiscreet about picking pockets in something like a huge clanking suit of armor. However, it’s a dangerous world out there, so you’ll be in need of some protection. Therefore, thick softened leather is probably your best bet. Finally, you will carry arms of some sort in case something goes cataclysmically wrong. A small weapon, such as a knife or dagger, is ideal.

After you’ve gathered all your materials and have appropriately suited up, the next step is to go monster scouting. The mobs that carry anything worth stealing are usually the ones that amble around on two legs. They’re intelligent brutes, so they know what sorts of items have any real value. Unfortunately, this means that they also know how to defend their bounty, so keep an eye out for swords, hammers, and magic-casting staves (i.e. “shankin’ tools”). For novice thieves, the best preys are the large angry turtle men, as they are by nature glaucomic and hard of seeing. While you are out on the hunt, watch your potential “benefactor” carefully, and choose it wisely. Try to pick one that you think will go down without too much of a fight if you get caught. Monsters with some sort of physical impediment, like a gimp leg or asthma, would be optimal. The best situation would be for him to be pre-occupied, with the murdering of innocents or the hanging of laundry perhaps, so that his attention is focused on something else.

The target having been sighted, we move on. Take great care not to be seen while sneaking up behind him. Slink behind boulders, dart through the shadows, tiptoe about his general vicinity, do anything to get close to him while still going unnoticed. Most importantly, always make sure his back is toward you at all time. If it is not, give him a wide berth and swing around back of him, or wait for him to turn around. If you are seen, not only are your plans ruined, but chances are you’ll be a savory stew by this time tomorrow.

Now the actual stealage commences. Be absolutely sure not to step on the target’s clothing, heels, tail, or other such things that are often tread upon when someone sneaks up behind someone else. Locate the target’s pocket, satchel, or fanny pack, whichever you most fancy, and carefully open it, making sure that you do not touch the target itself. Lifting bag-flaps is simple, and loosening drawstrings is easy as they are generally tied in dainty bows. Clasps are a smidgen trickier, but a steady hand on its base while the other undoes it will ensure that the monster feels nothing. Velcro and zippers are quite a deal more difficult to manage, but if you’re running around in a leather jerkin with a dagger, then you’re probably of a society whose technology has not yet developed such marvels of pouch closing. Reach inside the now open article of holding and gently lift its contents out. Be cautious not to let anything snag, jingle, or otherwise alarm its owner to your presence.

At this point, there are a couple options available. If the theft has left the monster without a clue that he’s just been robbed, the best thing to do is get the heck out of there. Slither, slink, and steal away much in the same manner as you approached your mark. If you’re feeling particularly sadistic, or you want to kill him for the treats packed inside him like candy in a piñata, you can slay the beast and pillage the corpse for all it’s worth. I hear ogre heads fetch a fair price in some parts. However, if the lift failed, you’ve now got a ticked off gargantuan brute to deal with. (This is where that dagger of yours earns its keep.) Hopefully he’s easy game and goes down before he can call his buddies to help him gore you into bloody oblivion. If for some reason you decided to filch from the monster with a garland of human skulls dangling from his colossal neck, you’d better run for all your puny little legs are worth. (Not puny, you say? Check out the hams on the guy that’s hot for your blood, then tell me if I’m wrong about yours!) As you’re racing away, trying not to soil yourself in fear, you may want to look around for other monsters and take care not to attract any more to yourself. The last thing you need, what with your gambling debts and your girlfriend leaving you for a foul-smelling insurance dealer, is a huge train of angry beasts nipping at your heels while you scream for your mommy.

Once you’re in the safe, take a gander at your bounty. It’s beautiful, it’s delectable, it’s precious, and it’s precisely the sort of thing that collectors of the antique, anomalous, and overall weird are looking for. Coins, spools of thread, fishing lures, gems and jewelry, and other such trinkets are common items to steal from monsters. (Why these things carry spools of thread, I don’t know. Apparently, needlepoint is a favorite pastime of theirs.) Unless you have some use for it, though, head over to the nearest pawnshop and hock it off. Depending on how you play your cards, you could draw a pretty penny for it. And when your friends ask you what you did today, you can proudly proclaim, “Yeah, I stole a friggin’ beast coin.”

Past Rants:

12/22/02 Episode II: Attack of the Bad Dialogue

1/11/03 He Could Only Be Satan's Dentist

5/19/03 Wannabes and Kung-Fu Sellouts

4/09/04 Why Nye?