I bought a card for him tonight. I wrote inside it at dinner, I cried. I don't know if he'll get it, I don't know if he'll read it if he does. I don't know a lot of things I guess. As a wonderful song for my perpetual mood come on the radio, there is one thing I do know. I know the meaning of being lonley. It's waking up crying at night, after you went to sleep in tears. It's slashes on rainbows, and bright yellow and opium-poppy-orange sunsets alone. It's a hurt little boy's exaggerated pout, and lone dinners and walks in the park, and beatiful fountains, with empty waterspouts. And it always ends with a sigh, I guess all good things do to.
Today, I was running late for work as usual, and the most amazing thing happened. I was trying to figure out the address to send the card that I had just bought, so I called the place where he used to work to ask the zip code. For some reason, the first thing I did was ask for him. They told me he didn;t work there anymore, but told me where he did work. I got the zip code, and called him.
It took so long for anyone to answer the phone, whne I finally did get a person, I asked to speak to him, and they asked me to hold on. I waited on the line for what seemed like an eternity. Then I heard his voice.
This person who I haven't had any contact with in over a year, was on the other end of the phone. All I could do was hold back the tears and ask him how he was. I think he knew who I was immediatly. It was shocking to actually be talking to him. I used to word dumbfounded later in a conversation to him, it didnt make sense then, but I guess it was really ture, because I couldn't think or concentrate on anything but him and the fact that I was really talking to him.
Without a doubt, we are different people right now, but I think we are both looking for the same things. I am hoping to see him in a few days, I don't know how I will handle that. I miss him so much, and yet, I'm so scared of seeing him. sigh....I am going to bed, I have to think. Hopefully, everything will seem clearer in the morning, it's just all so hazy in my mind right now. Good night everyone.
I was looking at some of his baby pictures last night that I had. Sigh, his eyes were beautiful even then. I'm just so afraid you know, that he isnt going to like me like he used to, or that things are going to be so different in our lives that we won't be able to be together. There are so many things going through my mind.
I even dreamt of him. Sigh, I don't know if I can take another let down of the grandure that this one will have, but I guess nothing ventured nothing gained. If I don't try, I can never know what might have been. This is ther person who has singularly affected my life more than anyone else, so I must give it the chance. I have to give myself the chance.....
As I said in an earlier entry, I had made plans to met him on Tuesday, of course, being the person that I am, I couldn't wait that long. Yesterday, memorial day, I got up out of bed and went to Chattanooga where he works. It was funny, he actually ran smack into me, said excuse me and walked on, then did a double take.
I said do you remember me, I think we might have met somewhere before. He blushed, as I remember him doing, so brightly. I guess there's nothing like a true love to go and make a fool of someone just like before. Then an old familiar feeling wrapped its arms around the moment and I said so many times I've tried to call, you'd think it's been a life time, it's been 2 years since I've seen you but now it seems like it's been no time at all.
I guess there's nothing like a real love to give you back the feeling of someone just like before. As we hugged, for just a moment, I forgot that so much time had passed. I waited and talked with him a bit, bought something so I looked like I belonged there, and then asked if he had eaten dinner. We made plans to meet at 6 when he got off work for dinner, before he had to go back to his parents.
We went to a mexican place, he ordered for both of us, knowing what I wanted even after 2 years. We both had fajitas. We were very quiet for the entire meal, which didn't last long, because we did no more than play with out food really. Afterward, he drove me around for a bit, he held my hand and admitted that it felt good to touch me after so long. We drove down to the lake and walked and talked until we came to a little picnic table on the not of a nearby hill away from everyone. He never said he loved me, just that he still had feelings for me, and that he cared, and that he always would. He said, he didn't know what else to do but just tell me what he was feeling. He came there hoping we could talk and would get close again, but that he could never embrace the type of relationship that ours would be. Because he could never live with himself if he dissapointed his parents like that, or walk into a church without feeling guilty. He just kept saying that he still pictured himself in 10 years with a wife and kids in a suburban home, married and happy.
No matter how much I pleaded with him for just a chance to make him happy, he would not consider it. He wouldn't look at me even, until I forced him to look into my eyes, he cried just like me. Right after he said that maybe he had done a better job at getting over me that I had him. But I know hes just hiding how he feels. He still trembled when we touched, just like I did, just like we both used to. I wanted so much to hold him, to feel him close to me, he told me he wanted the same thing, but knew it couldnt happen. He promised me one full day with him, but wouldn't promise me a chance of any kind.
My renewed depression on this matter, and in life in general, is more than I have felt since we were originally seperated in 1998. The thing that hurt the most is that he told me that on his birthday, a year ago, that he got the card that I sent, with my number and address, and he made the decision then that he could not embrace this type of lifestyle. But, as I asked him, I dont need him to embrace the lifestyle, I just want him to embrace me. :-( I dont know what is going to happen, I just dont understand a lof to things here. I know that right now, I am so numb that I can hear or see nothing but music in my head as I walk down the hall at work. I cried myself to sleep last night and woke up crying this morning.
He was supposed to meet me today, to give me that time that he promised wituh me, to say goodbye was the way he put it, goodbye to this phase in his life. Even though, everone but him knows that it is a phase that will never end.
I woke up at 6am to get everything perfect. I spent 3 hours getting things pla nned and ready to spend time with him, and he called at 9, like he was supposed to when he was leaving, but it was to tell me that relatives came into town unexpectedly, and that his mom wasnted him to spend his day of at home with her, and wouldn't let him leave.
So until next week, until he and I have another day off, I will wait, and cry, and suffer through a brand new feeling of not knowing........
It seems that I start so many entries with "it's been a long time..." So I won't say that this time. But it has. The past month has been hell for me, in so many more ways than just one.
The meeting that I was expecting in the last entry, never happened. He left a voicemail for me, telling me no matter how much he loved me that he just couldn't go there in his life right now.
And he didn't, because he knew that if he was alone with me, that the same familiar feelings would find him. I cried for a long time, and have been trying to move on ever since.
So, I'm back to the drawing board, or whatever it is, though I think I threw all my utensils for drawing away, so I just sit hear alone, and still wake up crying at night. But someday, it has to end, one way or the other. ...
