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 Hockey Playoffs, Round Two Preview (Now with PICTURES!) by Bobo Hoho Owner and Former Third-String Goalie, Virginia Beach Crabcakes |
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 For starters, let's do a FIRST ROUND WRAP-UP Bobo's pick for Philadelphia versus Buffalo was the Sabres in six. Bobo was WRONG. That didn't happen. The reason is simple, but you'd have to understand particle physics, and we at Post-Collegiate Malaise don't have the time to explain quantum theory to every slack-jawed yokel who pops into our web site. You should've gone to college. Suffice to say the puck defied probability at least once and passed through an ostensibly solid surface (mesh) into the space beyond (goal). Interestingly, on several shots, Hasek became a "singularity" (black hole) and sucked the puck into what is known as an "event horizon" (glove). In physicist Stephen Hawking's words, Hasek crushed the puck into "spaghetti." Ultimately Buffalo didn't have the infinite improbability to cause what is known as a "Lorenz Transform" (upset). Second, Washington versus Pittsburgh. Bobo picked Washington in four and was WRONG. Since Pittsburgh citizens couldn't miss their "Wrestlemania!", there was a scheduling conflict. Citizens of the Three Rivers City would rather strangle their grandmothers than miss a chance to paint things on their chests and chant like religious hooligans at men in spandex underwear. Luckily for the Penguins, the NHL caved into the television networks' demands that NHL scoring leader Mick Jagr make it to the Stanley Cup by hook or by crook. The league chose the latter, pleasing the illiterate, drooling citizens of Pittsburgh to no end. If you'd been in that detestable filth bucket, a city where rats are too clean to dwell, on the day of the announcement, you'd have seen many a bouncy Pittsburgher running naked through the streets and screaming curses in celebration, before settling down to their favorite meal, the zoo-keeper's shoe scrapings. Nevertheless, Washington technically won each game after the first. But after coming out ahead each game, with scores averaging 13-1, Capitals coach Ron Wilson graciously forfeited the games out of respect for the many Czech citizens who were lost when Hitler broke his promise to Neville "Appease the Psychopath" Chamberlain in 1939. When pressed about these somewhat random decisions by his teammates, Wilson responded "We owe it to the fair city of the Czechakolostomik Republic to repay them for the debts of our British patriarchs who failed to ensure Czech safety." Clutching an oversized novelty check labeled "Wide World of Sports," Wilson then proceeded to the locker room. This puzzling behavior repeated itself in several games. And so the #2-seeded Capitals were left behind by the Penguins, who chortled with glee all the way back to the hotel. Pittsburgh defenseman Jnjr Rjmsjklrm said it best, in his native tongue: "Krjsh, rjhsnt. ‘Ron Wilson,' trklsh mughrptquo. Rog * lgjk &* 33 + [^] 35." Weaselly Penguins forward Matthew Barnaby was quick to agree. In the match between Toronto and Ottawa, Bobo picked Toronto in four. This was RIGHT except that Toronto won in six. It was Ottawa's more liberal Senators that made the difference, but ultimately syrup industry interests crushed the government resistance as expected. Because government is always in the pockets of the rich and big business. Until the revolution, we mean, at which time we'll give those Maple Leafs what's coming to them. Sundin and Thomas will be the first against the wall. Viva la revolucion! Last in the East but not half-assed in the least, was the match between Florida and New Jersey. Bobo was again RIGHT but had the wrong number of games with his choice of New Jersey in seven. Instead it was New Jersey in four. Bobo gave New Jersey too much credit. He assumed both teams would prefer to spend as much time as possible in Florida and therefore New Jersey would prolong the away games indefinitely. However the Florida team just wanted to remain home and enjoy the weather. Florida managed to outscore New Jersey in own-goals each game. The New Jersey Devils never knew what hit them. Meanwhile, in the west, Bobo picked eighth-seeded San Jose to upset first-seed St. Louis in seven games and he was ABSOLUTELY RIGHT! He would like to take this time to laugh at anyone who doubted him. Ha, ha, ha!! Hahahahahahahahaha! As for Detroit versus Los Angeles, Bobo was absolutely WRONG! Actually, he was secretly right. Obviously no team was going to forfeit after three games, no matter what was happening to the economy of Kazakhstan. Bobo made this prediction because his word is SO reliable in the hockey betting underworld that his estimates change the odds. Consequently what was a 99% chance of a Detroit victory in the eyes of gamblers suddenly became a 99% chance of Los Angeles victory, which of course was completely absurd all along. The result? Bobo made a cool six million dollars--although he is now in hiding until his bookie cools off--and has recently completed the acquisition of his former team, the Virginia Beach Crabcakes. Go ‘Cakes! In the Stars versus the Oilers, Dallas won because Edmonton did not get the benefit of the dead hockey-playing samurai that was predicted. So Bobo was quite WRONG, but kudos to Doug Weight nevertheless, who played his heart out in the series. He was an extremely valuable asset to Bobo's team when acquired in the NHL 2000 PC edition. Bobo's digital EA Blades had no trouble taking home Lord Stanley's Cup in a perfect 16-game smash in which Weight centered the second line. According to LW #72 Jake Blues, "Ten-Ton was a reliable asset. Sure, we would have won the cup without him, but still, what I guess I'm trying to say is that he really made a difference for his linemates, Genghis Khan and Homer Simpson." Somewhere in computer-land, Dougie's name adorns a Stanley Cup. Or at least it did, until Bobo had to remove the game and all its records to make room for a growing collection of clown pornography. And now, the obligatory picture of series-winner Brett "Spicoli" Hull.
Lastly, in the battle of Colorado versus Phoenix, Bobo was again ABSOLUTELY RIGHT: Colorado in five. There's nothing more to say about that. Final results: Bobo was exactly 50% on the whole, not counting the LA thing of which Bobo is quite ashamed (except that he is now rolling around on a huge pile of money with many beautiful women). Bobo intends to do better in the future and is really gunning for one-hundred percent this time, not like those easily-bribed ESPN thugs, Melrose, Engblom, and Clement. And now, on with the new picks. PITTSBURGH v. PHILADELPHIA
Philadelphia is a much better team, but that's not important right now. Here's what is: there are at least 5 billion people in the world who have never seen a hockey match, either live or on television. The NHL has been wildly unsuccessful at changing this, but according to the Commish, Gary Bettman, "this will be the year. As God is my witness, I'll have everyone from Keokuk to Timbuktu watching hockey. Then I'll crush the NBA, drive it before me, and hear the lamentations of their women!" Cryptic, cryptic words, from a cryptic, cryptic man. But here's Bobo's interpretation: most of those non-fans of hockey can name maybe one player in the NHL, Buckomir Ragr, good old #68 on the Penguins roster. As we saw in Washington's defeat, the NHL will take any opportunity to shift venues or apply other tomfoolery, shenanigans, and chicanery, in order to get this guy into the Stanley Cup Finals, because they're convinced that it'll get some guy with a satellite dish in outer Mongolia to buy truckloads of Budweiser. Kudos to Bettman for this astute maneuvering. (But the reason nobody watches hockey is because it makes no sense anywhere that frozen lakes aren't common, and it costs a lot of equipment money to play, and it's stupid with only two people, so basketball, football and baseball will always rule until we spread urban sprawl into the Canadian wastelands, and really, we'd rather not bother.) The point is, the NHL is going to let Pittsburgh advance no matter what. Expect a lot of suspicious calls at key moments. Keep an eye out for linesmen holding hockey sticks. Look for referees getting involved in Pittsburgh plays. Bobo's inside scoop: Pittsburgh in 5, with at least one goal by Referee #55, Paul Stewart. Philly will take one game because the NHL wants to make it look real... just like WCW! TORONTO v. NEW JERSEY
This is a battle of USA versus the last surviving team in Canada, so to pick sides we need to compare the countries quid pro quo.
That about covers all the bases. If Toronto has any hope it is because they invented the game. But the US has appropriated hockey and turned it [United States of] American. New Jersey is too violent and uncivilized NOT to win. Once Canada lose, they get go hear bitchy "Morrissette" and have "books." New Jersey crush good. Bobo call game: New Jersey takes series in 6. SAN JOSE v. DALLAS
Let us begin with the straightforward presumption that Wayne Gretzky, #99, holds both the highest number of goals and assists, and also held the highest jersey number (probably ever, since it's officially retired). Let us then continue with the absurd-to-all-but-Bobo presumption that there is a correlation between jersey numbers and goal scoring. The result in a comparison here is that Dallas has a total of 619 over 28 players (on the roster) for an average of 22.11 jersey units per player. San Jose comes amazingly close despite a five-player shortage: 505 over 23 players averages 21.96 jersey units per player. Using the Gretzky-Related Analytical Statistical Absurdity (GRASA) this is still fairly unconclusive. The answer is still in the jerseys: a one-by-one comparison of players with matching jersey numbers (18) pairs off San Jose's Mike "Screech" Ricci against the Stars' Joel "La Bouche" Bouchard. Look at these two:
Ricci (left) is clearly a good bet for "the ugliest man in hockey award." The picture doesn't even reveal his total lack of teeth! Meanwhile, Bouchard is a dead ringer for actor-cum-jailbird Robert Downey. Who's tougher? No contest. Ricci ain't winning any beauty contests and he has nothing to lose if you punch him in the face. Bouchard just wants to get back to his daily heroin shoot and probably won't even be awake during the game. Likewise, compare San Jose's Tony "Clamato" Granato (left) against Dallas' Guy "Illegetimi Carborundum" Carbonneau, the number 21s.
Granato has a similar nose structure to Ricci: twisted in funny directions. You'd think they both went to an LSD-addled plastic surgeon and ordered the works! Meanwhile Guy Carbonneau looks no more threatening than Ward Cleaver or someone's goofy dad in middle school. Other comparisons are about the same. Dallas is a pretty good team and might take three games thanks to their higher GRASA but San Jose is much uglier and that goes a long way in hockey. Bobo's inside math: Once again, the Sharks in 7. DETROIT v. COLORADO
The Avalanche and the Red Wings have quite a rivalry, which might result in hockey's greatest achievement: the old stick in the eye. Colorado has been greatly bolstered by several deadline acquisitions such as defenseman Ray "Robert" Bourque. Detroit, however, has at least his equal in Chris "Honey Nut" Chelios. The Avs have the Lady Byng Trophy favorite, Joe "Smell My" Sakic, but Detroit has Lord Dirk Diggler Award favorite, Slava Knobov. The key to choosing the victor here is in team ownership. Detroit's ownership hasn't changed hands for a while, but Colorado has just been purchased by Stan Kreonke, heir to Wal-Mart. Now, Wal-Mart is a highly successful business with a million outlets from Point Barrow to Dusseldorf, and it is even beginning to take over the U.S. mint (you can only get the new Sacagawea dollar at Wal-Mart). However, Wal-Mart's only market advantage is a large selection; it offers cheesy products at exorbitant prices. The company has a history of watering down its offerings, stripping the CD and book racks of anything close to being offensive, and generally choosing only Made-in-the-USA products even though overseas products are far superior. Under the new ownership, Colorado's wide selection of offensive players will crumble, the team will get weak, and foreign players such as Peter Forsberg will be cast out like lepers. Ultimately the team will pay a lot of money for a bunch of second-rate "stars" like Tampa Bay goalie Fozgo Zolgowitz. Kreonke's fascist leanings will take effect immediately. Bobo's psychic hotline: Detroit in 6.
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